BS: Political Jokes

Subject: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST,maggiethecat
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 04:25 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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I didn't see a thread like this, and thought it might be a good one for now until the US elections. Please join in. Both (all) sides are welcome. (PS-I don't live in Washington State, but have some angel-like friends who do.)



Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people."

"Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait til you see the idiots I put there."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST,Leadfingers
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 04:51 PM

If they weren't the Bloody Government I would say the best Political Joke is New Labour

If they werent the opposition I would say the next best Political Joke is The Conservative Party .

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 04:53 PM

President bush - that's a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 05:00 PM

Sinsull, Bush should be in a seperate thread titled the worst political jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 05:49 PM

Johnny Howard!

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Dharmabum
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 08:21 PM

George Bush & Dick Cheney are having lunch in a D.C. restaurant.
The waitress approaches their table to take their order.
Dick puts down his menu & says "I'll have the garden salad & coffee".
George,after studying the menu for a few minutes,says,"I'll have the quickie".
The waitress snaps back"I'm sick & tired of you politicians coming in here,expecting sexual favors!"& storms off,threatening to file a sexual harassment suit.
Dick leans across the table & whispers to George;
"George,I believe that's pronounced quiche".

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Peace
Date: 16 Aug 04 - 10:45 PM

"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls." — Craig Kilborn

"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 11:27 AM

Someone put a gun to my head and said- "Who are you voting for- Bush, Kerry, or Nader"?   I thought about it and said "Shoot Me"

Unfortunately, that joke works in just about any election in just about any country.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: JennyO
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 12:55 PM

Robin, you beat me to it with bonsai johnny. Good thing I read threads before posting.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Neighmond
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 03:44 AM

Q. How do we know whan the Bush/Cheney machine is telling us a lie?

A. Their mouthes are moving!



Irag wants a constitution. Cheney said "Hell, George, offer them ours, we aren't using it!"



Bush was visiting a nursing home to collect elderly votes. While heading back to the rec room he heard a sharp-tongued woman speaking her mind: "That damnded Bush, I wished he was right here where I could tell the S O B just what I think of him and his crooked crew!"
Well! He stopped mid-stride and confronted the mouthy old biddy: "Do you know who I am?" he demanded.
The elder one looked at him closely, and shook her head: "I'm new here too, honey, but don't you worry a bit-just go down to that lady at the desk and she can tell you!

Ugh.

Chaz

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 03:33 PM

Runour has it that Dubbya consulted the statues of past presidents - looking for advice on his popularity.

And the advice on where to get the answers where......

Grant       Go to the Army

Washngton    Go to the people

Lincoln      Go to the theatre.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 08:12 PM

I think the Bush's actual order was
Washington, Lincoln, Grant...

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Amos
Date: 26 Aug 04 - 09:43 AM

>   REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE
>
>   New York, NY
>
>   6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
>
>   6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
>
>   6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd
> Amendment)
>
>   6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
>
>   6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really
> Necessary?"
>
>   7:30 PM Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
>
>   7:35 PM Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
>
>   7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
>
>   8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
>
>   8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
>
>   8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
>
>   8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
>
>   8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
>
>   9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
>
>   9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
>
>   9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
>
>   9:30 PM break for secret meetings
>
>   10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
>
>   10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
>
>   10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk
> Macho Even
> When You Feel Squishy Inside
>
>   10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
>
>   10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity
> Belt
>
>   10:45 PM GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi
> Rice
>
>   10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"
>
>   10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
>
>   11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
>
>   11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
>
>   11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
>
>   11:35 PM Blame Clinton
>
>   11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
>
>   11:41 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
>
>   11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
>
>   12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary
> Overlord

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Aug 04 - 11:05 AM

we don't need jokes...transcripts will do fine.

Q This question is for President Bush. Mr. President, can you give us a definition for tribal sovereignty?

A (Actual transcript!) "Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q Can you provide us with another insightful quote from Mr. Bush?

A Sure: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 04:22 PM

How to Start Each Day with a Positive Outlook:

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "George W. Bush."

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 05:31 PM

Tony Blair dies and goes to heaven. Wandering around the place he comes across the Room of Lifetimers - a room full of clocks with names under them of every living person. However, he notices that some of them periodically skip forward five minutes. He asks the bloke on the desk "So, why's that happening then?" The bloke on the desk says "Well, you see, every time you tell a lie, we take five minutes off your life." Tony looks around - "Yep, there's Jack Straw, Geoffrey Robinson, Peter Mandelson, George Dubya..... hang on, where's Alastair Campbell's?" The bloke replies " Look at the ceiling. We use it as a fan!"

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 05:39 PM

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National Guard.

The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard.

The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.'

Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.

President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.

Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair.

The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 05:41 PM

Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected. —Jay Leno, on reports that the election may be delayed in the event of a terrorist attack

One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again. —David Letterman

Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.

Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'

Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 05:55 PM

President Bush gave a speech at the United Nations. I don't want to say it was a hostile crowd, but they had Bush stand behind a screen made of chicken wire.

Saddam Hussein is depressed but defiant and still claims that he's the Constitutionally elected president of his country. So basically, he's the Iraqi Al Gore.

President Bush spoke to the United Nations. The bad news, the nations are united against us!

We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.

The President opened by declaring a victory in the 'War on Rather.

Bush pointed to positive signs in Iraq, like how the economy is taking off, thanks to a booming car bomb business.

What happened to John Edwards? You know, I thought you weren't supposed to go into your secret location until after you're vice president!

Bush and Kerry are still arguing over the details of the debates. Here's what I'd like to see: Can they get the orchestra from the Emmy Awards for the debates? So when a candidate starts going on and on ... just play that song until they shut up.

A Bush administration official told Congress yesterday that the war in Iraq could cost 60 billion dollars. Yeah, President Bush said he plans to pay for it with a video series called, 'Prison Guards Gone Wild.'

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 06:01 PM

I think I've posted this elsewhere, but sod it, here it is again 'cos it made me laugh.

GOOD NEWS - if caught Osama bin Laden faces the ultimate penalty.

BAD NEWS - David Beckham's taking it!

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 06:41 PM

RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

- I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

- I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

- I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

- With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

- I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

- I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

- I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

- I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

- I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

- I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

- I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

- I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

- I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a U.S. President.

- I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

- My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

- My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

- I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

- I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

- I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

- I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

- I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

- I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

- I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

- I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

- I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

- I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

- I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

- I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

- I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

- I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

- I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

- I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

- In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

- I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

- I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

- I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

-All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

- All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

- All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-president, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004!

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 07:16 PM

Bush has two demands in order to debate Kerry. He wants Regis Philbin to be host, and he wants three lifelines.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 03:56 PM

See this article: Rules of Engagement for the presidential debates (from a column written by Christopher Buckley in the 04-Oct-2004 issue of The New Yorker).

The actual document being parodied can be viewed here: Memorandum of Understanding (at the Washington Post web site)

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 04:48 PM

monica lewinski will not be voting for the democrats this year she said they left a bad taste in her mouth

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Peace
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 06:16 PM

LOL