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BS. If God didn't want...

Les in Chorlton 21 Nov 04 - 04:44 AM
Dave Hanson 21 Nov 04 - 06:07 AM
Amos 21 Nov 04 - 07:39 AM
MBSLynne 21 Nov 04 - 10:32 AM
Rapparee 21 Nov 04 - 11:04 AM
pdq 21 Nov 04 - 11:08 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 21 Nov 04 - 11:10 AM
jimmyt 21 Nov 04 - 11:53 AM
Dead Horse 21 Nov 04 - 01:22 PM
Chris Green 21 Nov 04 - 01:38 PM
Mudlark 21 Nov 04 - 02:28 PM
GUEST,skipy 21 Nov 04 - 04:59 PM
Raedwulf 21 Nov 04 - 05:39 PM
Bill D 21 Nov 04 - 07:35 PM
GUEST,AKgrown 21 Nov 04 - 07:44 PM
frogprince 21 Nov 04 - 09:03 PM
Gurney 22 Nov 04 - 03:55 AM
Georgiansilver 22 Nov 04 - 04:05 AM
Dave Hanson 22 Nov 04 - 04:58 AM
freda underhill 22 Nov 04 - 05:46 AM
MBSLynne 22 Nov 04 - 07:20 AM
Fossil 22 Nov 04 - 01:01 PM
Chris Green 22 Nov 04 - 01:13 PM
Les in Chorlton 22 Nov 04 - 03:24 PM
Raedwulf 22 Nov 04 - 04:07 PM
Les in Chorlton 23 Nov 04 - 12:53 PM
Dave the Gnome 23 Nov 04 - 05:33 PM
frogprince 23 Nov 04 - 07:39 PM
Amos 23 Nov 04 - 09:24 PM
Bill D 23 Nov 04 - 10:25 PM
Dave the Gnome 24 Nov 04 - 05:18 AM
Dave the Gnome 24 Nov 04 - 06:17 AM
Tracey Dragonsfriend 24 Nov 04 - 08:45 AM
Bill D 24 Nov 04 - 09:51 AM
Schantieman 24 Nov 04 - 10:58 AM
Tannywheeler 24 Nov 04 - 10:58 AM
fat B****rd 24 Nov 04 - 11:03 AM
GUEST 24 Nov 04 - 12:42 PM
Dave the Gnome 24 Nov 04 - 12:47 PM
Liz the Squeak 24 Nov 04 - 07:45 PM
frogprince 24 Nov 04 - 07:57 PM
Liz the Squeak 25 Nov 04 - 04:33 AM
GUEST 25 Nov 04 - 04:38 AM
GUEST,Mingulay 25 Nov 04 - 07:24 AM
Janice in NJ 25 Nov 04 - 02:38 PM
Raedwulf 25 Nov 04 - 03:00 PM
Les in Chorlton 25 Nov 04 - 03:05 PM
Dave the Gnome 25 Nov 04 - 03:43 PM
MBSLynne 26 Nov 04 - 03:06 AM
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Subject: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 04:44 AM

This has grown (groan?)out of the vegi thread.

Look if god didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them taste so good ? (eric the red)

People make these up all the time. I guess some are funnier than others. Anybody have any funny ones?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 06:07 AM

If god wanted people to play banjo's why did he give us good taste ?

eric


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 07:39 AM

If God hadn't wanted us to sing all the time, he wouldn't have given us hearts, would he?
And if he'd wanted us to fly he would have given us wings, instead of airplanes.

A


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: MBSLynne
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 10:32 AM

(About a nudist beach) If God had meant us to go around naked we'd have been BORN without clothes on.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:04 AM

...the world run by fools and idiots, why did He make so many of them?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: pdq
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:08 AM

"If God wanted you to play the piano, He'd have given you 88 fingers!"


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:10 AM

If God didn't want war, why did he make Bush & Blair?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: jimmyt
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:53 AM

If God didn't want us to eat animals, why are they made of MEAT?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dead Horse
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 01:22 PM

If God had wanted women drivers, He wouldn't have invented kitchens!


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Chris Green
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 01:38 PM

If God had wanted jokes to be witty, he wouldn't have invented misogyny!


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Mudlark
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 02:28 PM

If God didn't want me to play guitar without a pick he would have given me stronger fingernails.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 04:59 PM

If god wanted us to work night shifts he would have given little lights on our foreheads.
Skipy


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Raedwulf
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 05:39 PM

Alternatively,

Billboards from God



And it came to pass that God visited the earth.

And He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years.

And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, self-contradictory ad campaign of His own...


I never said, "Thou shalt not think."
-God

Okay, you've got multiplying down. Now let's try replenishing for a while.
-God

I don't care who started it. Just stop it.
-God

If you seek to know my ways, read a damn science book.
-God

You'd better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you're all grounded.
-God

Six days? Yeah, right. I'm a scientist, not a magician.
-God

If I wanted you to have seven kids, I would have given you a bigger planet.
-God

You're not tracking those bloody footprints in here.
-God

E=mc². Yeah, that's one of mine.
-God

You can have another kid when you learn to take care of the first one.
-God

The dinosaurs didn't believe in you either.
-God

Excuse me? Where do you see my name on the front of the Bible?
-God

Only six thousand years old? Oh, that's a good one.
-God

Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up?
-God

I love Marilyn Manson, too. Maybe more than I love you.
-God

Here's a clue-if they say they're doing it in my name, they're lying.
-God

I'm flattered you liked my book so much. Now why don't you read something new?
-God

I'm concerned about children's education. I favor lower child-to-parent ratios.
-God

I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it.
-God

Want to know how old the earth is? Ask the earth, not the Bible.
-God

If you don't clean this place up, you won't get another millennium.
-God

I don't blame video games when my children start shooting each other.
-God

I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang.
-God

If you didn't hear it straight from my lips, take it with a grain of salt.
-God

All this will someday be your children's.
-God

There is no such thing as killing in my name.
-God

Stop smirking, America. I'm talking to you, too.
-God


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 07:35 PM

thanks, God...we needed those.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: GUEST,AKgrown
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 07:44 PM

...us to be the same and think the same he wouldn't have made us so different.

AKswimmer


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 09:03 PM

Darn it MSBLynn, you put that one in before I got on tonight. That was supposed to be my line. :)


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 03:55 AM

to communicate with me, why did he put the voices in my head?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:05 AM

If God didn't want me to believe in Him then he wouldn't treat me so good!
Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:58 AM

If God really wanted us to believe in him he would appear on Friday Night With Jonathon Ross.

eric


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 05:46 AM

if God wanted me to be quiet, she wouldnt have goven me a mouth..


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: MBSLynne
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:20 AM

Brilliant Raedwulf!!


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Fossil
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 01:01 PM

...us to fly, he would've given us roots.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Chris Green
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 01:13 PM

Surely If God didn't want us DYE he wouldn't have given us roots?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 03:24 PM

Raedwulf,

absolutly priceless. If I never post another thread and write another sentence I will die happy with the knowledge your post has brought and that mu thread ii its own little way made a place for such wisdom.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Raedwulf
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 04:07 PM

I take no credit. Someone inflicted it on me, I pass it on. I don't see why the rest of you shouldn't suffer (the aching sides from laughing too much, etc) too! ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 12:53 PM

Some say she is alive and well and working on a far less ambitous project.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 05:33 PM

Heard by yours truly from a rather bigoted bloke in the pub -

"I know Jesus is white skinned and blonde haired - I have seen his photograph!"

I still think he was serious!

BTW Raedwulf - Why is your God so against big families? Me and Mrs G have 5 kids, not for religious reason but because we both wanted a big family. Don't you think we get fed of of questions about catholicism and broken TVs? Don't get me wrong - I'm not against anyone poking a bit of fun at my expense but isn't saying large families have to be religious stereotyping a bit? Do you think people mught be offended if I said anything about black drug dealers or jewish money lenders? How come ordinary people with big families seem to be fair game?

Just a thought...

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:39 PM

...Guys to catch a peek, he would have given women at least 3 hands...


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Amos
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 09:24 PM

...the country driven into the ground, he wouldn't have put the asshoole on top.


A


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 10:25 PM

well...the thread was a sort of humerous one, DtG...but since you asked...

" How come ordinary people with big families seem to be fair game?"

well...I dunno about 'fair game', but this world is getting to the point where having a big family "just because you want to" can no longer be defended. Granted, changing the habits of thousands of years will be hard, but there are just too many people!
The world population is over 6 billion, and ¼ or more of them are in poverty and hungry and lacking space and a decent life. The earth passed the amount it could support 'indefinitely' about 1950...

It all means that if you have 5-6 or more, someone has to have none to compensate. The Chinese have been trying, but don't have much success in rural areas because of a 'tradition' of large families. Now the Chinese economy is becoming a real drain on the rest of the world as all those people try to raise their living standards.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 05:18 AM

The world population is over 6 billion, and ¼ or more of them are in poverty and hungry and lacking space and a decent life

Propaganda I'm afraid, Bill. The world is producing enough food to keep a population of over 10bn at last count with the capacity to increase that by at least 50% with no real effort. Acording to the American department of agriculture 263,013,699 pounds of food is wasted each day. Is this a world figure? No - Sorry - Just the US!!! How about water? over 70% of the world is water and it is the truest recyclable resource we have. None of it is ever used. It just goes round in circles. Space? About 90% of the earth's people live on 10% of the land. Additionally, about 90% of the people live north of the equator.

So, what we have is no shortage at all. Just imbalance. But the powers that be would have you believe otherwise of course. As to the 'past the ammount it could support indefinately'. It has never been able to support any ammount of people indefinately. Do you think the world is eternal?

As you said though the thread is supposed to be a humourous one so I do not really like getting too deep. All I was pointing out was that stereotypical humour is not allowed in certain cases and was asking why it seems to be ignored in this case. You have answered the point very neatly. It seems to be allowed because all of us with big families REALLY are evil people with nothing better to do than procreate and use up our precious resources! I feel a lot happier knowing that;-)

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 06:17 AM

Oh - Just thought of a couple btw.

If God didn't want us to disagree he wouldn't have invented the Mudcat!

If God didn't want all the worlds resources to be used why did he invent Americans?

:D


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Tracey Dragonsfriend
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 08:45 AM

You might like this one : God clarifies "Don't Kill" rule


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 09:51 AM

ok, Dave...I have answers, but I'll save 'em for another thread after this crazy couple of weeks in the crafts business...

onward!


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Schantieman
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 10:58 AM

If God had intended us to have showers our armpits would face upwards.

Steve


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 10:58 AM

There's always the old sarcastic comment: "If God had wanted people to vote, He'd have given us candidates."

Right now I say: If God didn't want us to be delirious with joy He wouldn't have invented grandchildren.   Tw


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: fat B****rd
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 11:03 AM

..me to covet my neighbours ass.....why is it so shapely ??


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 12:42 PM

ok, Dave...I have answers

Wish I did, Bill! I guess anyone with answers to the crisis of diminishing resources should be a world class leader. Get out there and do it:-)

You have my vote...

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 12:47 PM

Whoops - that was me sans biscuit if you hadn't guessed (Guest?)

If god didn't want us to loose cokkies he'd have given our 'puters biscuit barrels...

:D


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 07:45 PM

If God had wanted me to get more out of life, He'd've made the script easier to understand.

If God didn't want me to be fat, why did he make chocolate so nice?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: frogprince
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 07:57 PM

...us to call it a p***y, he wouldn't have made it soft, warm, and fuzzy with a little pink nose...


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:33 AM

Ah, but did you ever pet a p***y when it didn't want to be petted? They have teeth and claws as well.....

(That mental image should screw up a few impressionable minds, bruaahahahhhahaa!!)

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:38 AM

If god didn't want me to sleep around he wouldn't have made so damn Handsome. Yeah that's right ladies, loving is for shoving, getting down is what I'm all about, yeah!


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:24 AM

Thank you LtS I have just now recovered from a deep and sudden swoon. The mental imagery was amazing, scary but amazing. I'm now sending off for a Hannibal Lecter style face mask with only the eyes and mouth free. I'll beat that damned p***y yet.

The Olympic diving squad beckons!


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Janice in NJ
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 02:38 PM

If Goddess didn't want us to be lesbians why did she make womyn smell, feel and taste so good?


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Raedwulf
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 03:00 PM

To distract men from sport, so the race might ultimately procreate?

(I speak as one who is capable of concentrating on important things, don't ask & I won't have to answer! ;-) )


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 03:05 PM

I know this is drift but I started the thread (based on an idea from eric the red) and it seems in the general spirit.

I bloke went to the doctor. He said I think I am a lesbian.

The doctor asked him why. He said all this good looking blokes are about but I still fancy women.


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 03:43 PM

I think I'm an anorxic lesbian

I fancy women and every time I look in a mirror I see a fat bloke...

:D


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Subject: RE: BS. If God didn't want...
From: MBSLynne
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 03:06 AM

If God didn't want us to over-populate, why did he make sex so much fun?


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