BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)

Subject: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Ted from Australia
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:12 PM

To The Citizens of The United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'
and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Lo! ok up
"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer
show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to earn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such
as"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event c! alled
the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though most of you are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps".
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.   

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


Thank you for your cooperation.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: artbrooks
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:39 PM

Interesting...but it would have been just as good to put the link to one of the 796 web sites where this currently resides.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:41 PM

What's wrong with Utah?

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: pdq
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:52 PM

Utah voted 71.09% for George W.Bush and 26.38% for Kerry. That is a 44.71% margin of victory. Country-wide was 3%.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:53 PM

It's run by the Mormons. Don't ask.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:54 PM

Ah...

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: pdq
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:07 PM

Utah is the locus of concentration for people who have seen Bigfoot. Also for people who have been abducted by UFOs.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:09 PM

No wonder they voted for Bush then...Republican anal probes, see.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:13 PM

Ah, i'm forgetting. They don't like that sort of thing, do they?

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: pdq
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:29 PM

I think the term you are looking for is anal-retentive. Very "Utah".

Here are some examples:

"You might be anal-retentive if...


                           ...you alphabetize your spices.

                           ...you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or gramatically correct.

                            ...you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme"

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:49 PM

Nah, it's anal probes. When the aliens abduct you, they stick a probe up your arse. Or so i've heard...

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: pdq
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:09 PM

Actually, I think what happens to people who are abducted by UFOs is they tend to write books. Don't know for sure . I live in the neighboring sate of Nevada. We are justly sceptical of people from Utah.

To continue...

"You might be anal-retentive...

                                  ...if you fold your dirty clothes

                                  ...if you sort a pound of "mixed nuts" into its seven component types before serving them to your Christmas guests

                                    ...if you vacuum-out the fireplace after each use"

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: artbrooks
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:37 PM

Utah is a nice place, with a lot of beautiful country and many intelligent people. The state does have a Mormon majority, but a good many of them are what are called "Jack" (meaning unobservant) Mormons. What it doesn't have is an very active Democratic party.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: GUEST,Bobert
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:39 PM

Heck you can have my gun but don't mess with my football, gol dangit, 'er we're gonna have to put another Waterlou on you... Ahhhh, make that Yorktown... No matter... Mess wid the football an' yer gonna have a fight on yer hands... agin...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 10:03 PM

You tell 'em, Bobert. Them limeys ain't a-gittin' mah guns! No sir! Too gol-danged many injuns out where I live -- and I ain't a-talkin' about Bannocks, Shoshones, Utes, Paiutes, Apaches, Navahos, Blackfoot, Crows, Sioux, Arikari, Nez Perce, er the rest of 'em, either. They's right nice folks.

Nosir! I'm a talkin' 'bout...Redcoats! Yessir! We had us a guy race through the town on a horse yellin' "The British are comin'!" jist the other day. Cain't never tell when them lobsterbacks'll try ta take Idaho back fer the Hudson's Bay Company, and when they do we're ready fer 'em!

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Midchuck
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 10:12 PM

I might take offense at all of it except paragraph 12, which is, sadly, perfectly correct.

IMO.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Pogo
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 10:19 PM

LOL

*drawls* Us'uns in the South speak the Queen's English...ain't that enough to satisfy yawl?

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Once Famous
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 10:30 PM

Ted from Australia, please tell us what it is like to fornicate with a koala.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: PoppaGator
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 03:34 AM

I believe there are far more UFO abductees per capita among my neighbors in Mississippi than in Utah.

Why is it that the aliens never seem to abduct city folk or college graduates? Perhaps rednecks somehow make for better probing; there's no accounting for advanced nonhuman taste, I suppose...

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 03:37 AM

Ted from Australia,
                   I like the cut of your jib sir!

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 03:52 AM

What's an unobservant Mormon? Is that a euphamism for visually impaired? Does he need a large print Bible?

Re abductees, there's a TV ad running in the UK at the moment where a swamp dwelling redneck is rejected by aliens in favour of a container load of Grolsch lager.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 04:08 AM

And why the hell wouldn't someone write a book if they were abducted by a UFO, pdq?

It's certainly more interesting than a lot of other subjects people appear moved to write on... :-)

It is an urban myth that only rednecks get abducted. It sounds good, so people say it. It's not even vaguely true. Matter of fact, it's probably a deliberate story planted by the same government people who make it their business to ridicule anyone whom they want to shut up about such matters. Ridicule is their standard method of attack.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 09:17 AM

The only effective way to reclaim the USA is one girlfreind ( or boyfriend, if that's your preferance ) at a time. It may not make for as exciting television as reigeme change by force, but it is rather more fun...

Of course, as I'm meeting Americans in Edinburgh, they are in the 25% who actually hold a passport, and 2.15% who've heard of the outside world, and therefore, on average don't exist.....

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 09:54 AM

It's a conundrum all right...

I would rather see the North American Indians reclaim the USA than the British.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: mack/misophist
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 10:13 AM

re Mormons

Observant (orthodox?) Mormons are required to do a lot of special things*. Some people want to be Mormon without going to the extra trouble. They're called Jack Mormons.

*Shun coffee, keep a year's supply of food, tithe, wear special underwear, etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: DougR
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 01:56 PM

Ted: you fail to note that a majority of the voters selected Bush. The minority does not rule in the U. S.   I was under the impression that your country operated the same way.

The election is over, though, and it's time to get on to other things.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 02:07 PM

Oh, ha! ha! You are so naive, Doug. A majority! LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: artbrooks
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 03:47 PM

Is there a popular election for PM in Australia? I somehow thought that it worked the same way as in the UK, where the head of the party (and there are several more than 2) which wins the largest number of seats (and this is not necessarily the majority party) is the PM. Being an ignorant Yank, I expect that I've omitted several steps.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 05:09 PM

In Canada also one votes not for the PM (unless one is in his own personal riding), but for the local party member (or independent) of one's choice. The party leader of the party with the most seats becomes the PM. An embarrassing situation could arise if he lost his own riding, but his party still won the election...I don't think it has ever happened, because they always make sure to run in a riding where they won't lose.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 05:16 PM

Er - Gibson, check the claws on a koala, then try raping one. It might improve you.

Kangaroos are more technically interesting, but can also be very dangerous.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: DougR
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 07:02 PM

Little Hawk: word hasn't reach you yet that Bush won the election by a comfortable margin? Maybe the newspaper publishers in Canada are still hoping. Write a letter to them and tell them this election is over and Bush won. I'd appreciate it.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:09 PM

"...the 796 web sites where this currently resides."?

I've just checked with Google, and the current total appears to be 31,800.

Still it's pretty funny. Any idea where it originated from? This is a kind of 21st century folklore, really.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 03:45 PM

Up to 32,100 now.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 04:02 PM

It made the email (or is that e-mail?) rounds in 2000, after the last election and made more sense then.

Subject: RE: BS: Reclaim the USA (except Utah)
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 06:18 PM

It's also on the thread 'just a laugh'.

I'm doing the job by stealth - I married an American and am doing all I can to bring the colonials back into the fold.