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Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs

Singing Salmon 30 Nov 04 - 06:41 AM
GUEST,Mingulay 30 Nov 04 - 06:59 AM
freda underhill 30 Nov 04 - 06:59 AM
Flash Company 30 Nov 04 - 07:16 AM
Crystal 30 Nov 04 - 07:20 AM
Splott Man 30 Nov 04 - 07:36 AM
GUEST,Elfcall 30 Nov 04 - 08:13 AM
GUEST,Carol 30 Nov 04 - 08:31 AM
mandotim 30 Nov 04 - 09:05 AM
late 'n short 2 30 Nov 04 - 12:05 PM
GUEST 30 Nov 04 - 12:18 PM
Nigel Parsons 30 Nov 04 - 12:34 PM
PennyBlack 30 Nov 04 - 12:49 PM
PennyBlack 30 Nov 04 - 12:52 PM
Leadfingers 30 Nov 04 - 12:54 PM
Acme 30 Nov 04 - 12:57 PM
PoppaGator 30 Nov 04 - 12:59 PM
Juan P-B 30 Nov 04 - 01:01 PM
PennyBlack 30 Nov 04 - 01:04 PM
GUEST,Art Thieme 30 Nov 04 - 01:30 PM
GUEST,Toenails John 30 Nov 04 - 01:38 PM
Little Robyn 30 Nov 04 - 01:46 PM
Bob Bolton 30 Nov 04 - 10:04 PM
LadyJean 30 Nov 04 - 11:09 PM
dick greenhaus 01 Dec 04 - 12:05 AM
GUEST,Art Thieme 01 Dec 04 - 12:31 AM
Bob Bolton 01 Dec 04 - 02:32 AM
Snuffy 01 Dec 04 - 08:34 AM
Cluin 01 Dec 04 - 09:12 AM
Splott Man 01 Dec 04 - 11:20 AM
Arkie 01 Dec 04 - 03:10 PM
Tattie Bogle 01 Dec 04 - 03:14 PM
GUEST,Smokey 01 Dec 04 - 03:53 PM
Kaleea 01 Dec 04 - 09:35 PM
GUEST,Stephen 01 Dec 04 - 10:27 PM
Ron Davies 02 Dec 04 - 06:54 AM
Ron Davies 02 Dec 04 - 09:19 AM
JWB 02 Dec 04 - 12:40 PM
PoppaGator 03 Dec 04 - 05:57 PM
Joe_F 03 Dec 04 - 09:36 PM
LadyJean 04 Dec 04 - 01:42 AM
Songbird 04 Dec 04 - 01:31 PM
Gaucho 05 Dec 04 - 04:40 AM
PennyBlack 05 Dec 04 - 12:27 PM
Terry Allan Hall 05 Dec 04 - 04:07 PM
JJ 06 Dec 04 - 09:32 AM
Mark Ross 06 Dec 04 - 10:41 AM
Compton 06 Dec 04 - 11:21 AM
Bob Bolton 06 Dec 04 - 06:01 PM
PennyBlack 06 Dec 04 - 07:32 PM
PennyBlack 06 Dec 04 - 07:41 PM
catspaw49 06 Dec 04 - 07:58 PM
PennyBlack 06 Dec 04 - 08:08 PM
Bob Bolton 06 Dec 04 - 09:45 PM
PennyBlack 07 Dec 04 - 05:01 AM
Bob Bolton 07 Dec 04 - 06:21 AM
The Fooles Troupe 07 Dec 04 - 07:12 AM
LadyJean 08 Dec 04 - 12:11 AM
Cluin 08 Dec 04 - 01:18 AM
The Fooles Troupe 08 Dec 04 - 06:58 AM
GUEST,donna 09 Dec 04 - 01:41 PM
John in Brisbane 09 Dec 04 - 08:04 PM
Bob Bolton 09 Dec 04 - 09:42 PM
Bob Bolton 12 Dec 04 - 09:48 PM
GUEST 13 Dec 04 - 12:28 AM
Wolfgang 13 Dec 04 - 07:00 AM
The Fooles Troupe 13 Dec 04 - 07:51 AM
GUEST,Me 22 Dec 04 - 10:52 AM
Georgiansilver 22 Dec 04 - 04:57 PM
Jim Dixon 23 Dec 04 - 12:54 AM
John M. 23 Dec 04 - 05:42 PM
Big Jim from Jackson 23 Dec 04 - 09:30 PM
Bob Bolton 23 Dec 04 - 11:12 PM
GUEST,3 wise women lyrics 25 Dec 07 - 07:34 PM
GUEST,Grandma got run over by a reindeer 25 Dec 07 - 07:37 PM
GUEST,Grandma got run over by a reindeer 25 Dec 07 - 07:38 PM
The Unicorn Man 26 Dec 07 - 12:53 PM
recording 26 Dec 07 - 03:14 PM
GUEST,isaiah 22 Feb 08 - 08:49 AM
BrooklynJay 22 Nov 17 - 02:01 AM
Acorn4 22 Nov 17 - 04:17 AM
FreddyHeadey 22 Nov 17 - 05:01 AM
Jim Carroll 22 Nov 17 - 07:14 AM
Peter the Squeezer 22 Nov 17 - 02:25 PM
Tattie Bogle 22 Nov 17 - 09:33 PM
reggie miles 23 Nov 17 - 01:19 AM
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Subject: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Singing Salmon
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 06:41 AM

I need to find some funny christmas songs to sing! they have to be easy to learn, and preferably to a well known tune as i am running out of time, Nothing to vulgar as i am a sweet and innocent wee lass but needs to entertain a group of Morris Men! can you help?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 06:59 AM

Sid Kipper's Arrest these Merry Gentlemen comes to mind (it's in here somewhere). Morris men and sweet and innocent wee lassies? What is the world coming to.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 06:59 AM

I havent got anything useful like songs for you, singing salmon, but welcome to Mudcat!

best wishes

freda


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Flash Company
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 07:16 AM

Sidney Carter's song 'There are no lights on our Christmas Tree' probably qualifies. Search in Digitrad under Christmas tree and you'll find it!
As freda said, welcome to the madhouse (Ooops, I mean Mudcat!0

FC


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Crystal
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 07:20 AM

Well I was going to suggest "walking round in womens underwear" But that is not a song for the innocent (although most the morris dancers I know like it!). The Drunken 12 days of Christmas is a good-un. Practically anything by Sid Kipper is good if you are looking for humour although I can't remember any specifically christmassy ones.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Splott Man
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 07:36 AM

you could always dedicate a song to

Mayor Daisby
Marion Bright
Anne Mayall
Yer Chris
Mrs B White

Think about it


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Elfcall
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 08:13 AM

Sid K has many classic Christmas songs - 'We will rob you' springs to mind as a favourite.

Elfcall


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Subject: Lyr Add: PLEASE, DADDY (DON'T GET DRUNK THIS...)
From: GUEST,Carol
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 08:31 AM

Country and Western type song!!
Please daddy don't get drunk this christmas
I don't want to see my momma cry x 2

Just last year when I was only 7
Now I'm 8 as you can plainly see
You came home at a quarter past eleven
And fell down underneath the Christmas tree
Chorus

Mamma tunrned her face towards the window
She said you'd better go upstairs my dear
Then you went and hollered Merry Christmas
And then was when I saw my momma cry
Chorus

So awful that it's funny!!!


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN (Rivers)
From: mandotim
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 09:05 AM

Try this (from Bob Rivers);
The restroom door said gentleman so I just walked inside,
I took two steps and realized I've been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said gentleman it must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace and smacked me with her bag,
I could tell, this wouldn't be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said gentleman and I'd would like to find,
The crummy little CREEP who had the nerve to switch the signs.
'Cause I got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind,
Now I can't, sit with comfort and joy.
Boy oh boy.
Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

I don't have to tell you the tune, do I?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: late 'n short 2
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:05 PM

Guest Carol:

Funny how the same song can bring different reactions from people. I sang John Denver's "Please Daddy..." about 20 years ago just in front of a group of friends and I thought I knew them pretty well. About the time I got to the second verse a woman in the group left the room in tears and my wife went to check on her. Seems like that's what her Christmases as a kid were really like. The original version is pretty up-tempo...and that's the way I did it...but if you slow it down it can take on a whole different meaning.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:18 PM

How about this one from the Alternative Chistmas CD "Bah Humbug"
Im the man tha slits the turkeys throat at Christmas


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:34 PM

The Goons, "I'm walking backwards for Christmas"


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Subject: Lyr Add: SAM'S CHRISTMAS (Richard Grothusen)
From: PennyBlack
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:49 PM

From our CD Christmas card..... (makes more sense in the UK!)P.B. (if you want the tune I can post a MP3 to our music host..

Sam's Christmas(Richard Grothusen,)

Sam's mother was widowed, his father was dead,
They were poor as two people could be.
One room was their home and it's floor was their bed,
They were both dressed in rags, they were seldom well fed.
As Christmas came round, and the icy winds blew,
Their plight was a pity to see.
The gas was cut off, electricity too,
Then a brainwave told Sammy what he had to do, --- he wrote.

Dear Father Christmas, I trust you're quite well,
But I'm sorry I can't say the same.
My Mummy and I haven't eaten for weeks
We've no money at all to our name.
I don't want a train set, or even a bike,
Though I'm asking for something it's true.
Just a few pounds to lighten our Christmas we'd like,
Not much, just a fiver will do.

The letter was posted and later that day,
In the hands of a sorter was grasped.
His colleagues were silent, as they heard him say,
The words of the letter that in his hands lay.
One Post Office worker then slowly commenced
To collect in a hat which was passed,
To each of his workmates, who spared no expense
In collecting the sum of Four Pounds Fifty Pence.

They sent it to Sammy, enclosing a note,
Someone signed it F. Christmas. Esquire,
It bought them a turkey, a cracker or two,
And enough coal to light a small fire.
Sam wrote back to Santa, Your letter arrived,
With the Five Pounds we're pleased as can be.
But those robbing sods at the Post Office
Opened it up, and pinched Fifty p.


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA.
From: PennyBlack
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:52 PM

or maybe?

CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA.

Spoken
Forget your snow and reindeer and all that there malarky
'Cause down here Father Christmas wears a pair of shorts.... KHAKI

Chorus.
Christmas in Australia, is Christmas in paradise,
Christmas in Australia is basically, 'Bloody Nice',
Bruce goes steady with Sheila, and Sheila goes steady with Bruce,
And if you don't have a Christmas suntan, you're a 'Pommie' and you ain't no use


It's ninety in the shade at Christmas, the sun's a blazing 'phew',
So grab a tube of Foster's and a slice of cold kangaroo.
Bruce is waxing his surf board, and waxing his Shiela too,
It's a great Australian Christmas, ya-hoo.

Chorus.

It was a lovely sunny Christmas, we had a party on the beach,
Sang Australian carols, you should have heard us screech.
Our 'Silent Night' was a burst of light and the likes are heard only seldom,
Of 'Once In Royal Bruce's City', in a little town called Melbourne.

Chorus.

Bruce and Sheila disappeared round the far side of the truck,
They were gone for quite some time, we shouted, "Are you stuck?"
Then I had a bright idea, said, "I know what I'll do,
I'll play 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' on Bruce's didgeridoo.

Chorus.

As the afternoon wore on everyone got paralytic,
A drunken brawl developed from a friendly game of cricket.
Rolph Harris turned up finally to distract us from our combat,
By painting a lovely picture of Rudolf the Red Nosed Wombat.

Chorus.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Leadfingers
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:54 PM

Tom Lehrer's Christmas Carol has been a favorite of mine for YEARS !!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Acme
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:57 PM

I grew up listening to Stan Freberg's "Green Christmas" (it's a novelty song and probably would do well with the sound effects) and Stan Boreson's collection of silly christmas songs. I'll see if I can find that tape around here to give you some of the names. They're fractured versions of traditional non-religious songs, in a Norwegian accent. "I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas" and "Yingle Bells," for example. "Ragnar the Flat-nosed Reindeer," and "All I Want for Christmas is my Upper Plate." More will occur to me once I hit "Submit Message."

SRS


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PoppaGator
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 12:59 PM

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" was a big C&W hit some years ago, and still gets played to death every year -- in the US anyway. Over there in Britain, if it's less well-known, it might still have some novelty value.


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Subject: Lyr Add: BRUNO
From: Juan P-B
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 01:01 PM

This one doesn't 'scan' exactly like the original but I wrote it a coupla years ago after a few Guinnii (?) Hope it's of some use

BRUNO

Everyone's heard of Rudolph. The reindeer with the shiny nose
And Cupid and Dancer also and all the othersI suppose
But nobody's heard of Bruno! The reindeer no one talks about
His is a sad old story. I'll tell you how it came about.

One cold and icy Christmas Eve, Bruno he was placed
One place behind Rudolph and they set off at a pace.

It happened just over Margate, They were flying through the dark
When something shot right across them. Santa had to pull up sharp
With a screech of reindeer hoof-tracks like polystyrene on a dustbin lid
Bruno the brown-nosed reindeer couldn't stop as quick as Rudolph did.


Bruno the brown-nosed reindeer was a sorry sight to see
Covered in reindeer doo-dah - No one shouted out with glee
All of the other reindeers turned their noses up at such a sight
Bruno the brown-nosed reindeer covered in reindeer ????.

Poop !!!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PennyBlack
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 01:04 PM

Juan P-B

No mention of Olive?

the other reindeer that used to laugh and call him names...

PB


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 01:30 PM

Henry Lawson's poem Santa Claus In The Bush just begs to get a good tune.

How about The Cherry Tree Carol. It always seemed humorous to me. It showed Joseph as the human being he must've been.

Also: Allen Sherman's:

God rest ye Jerry Mendelbaum let nothing you dismay,
Dis May has been a rotten month, so what more can I say,
Let's hope next May is better and good things will come your way,
And you won't have a feeling of dis May---Next May!

Art Thieme


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE JAILHOUSE
From: GUEST,Toenails John
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 01:38 PM

Try this one for size!
No idea of the original air to it


'Twas Christmas Day in the jailhouse, and as night slowly fell,
A prisoner sat and shivered in his lonely little cell.
He'd only the cold to remind him of the festive time of year,
As he raised a hand to brush away the memories, and a tear.

Then, through a tiny hole in the wall that he hadn't seen before,
He heard the sound of a soft "Hello," from the man in the cell next door.
"Oh, who are you? Is it really true? Can I hear a human voice?
Oh, now is the time to be happy! Now is the time to rejoice!

Though a cold stone wall divides us, we can surely offer praise!
In fellowship I greet you on this happiest of days!"
"It may be a time to be happy," said the voice, "at least, for you.
I'm due to be hanged tomorrow, which can alter your point of view.

Still, it has its compensations," the voice from nowhere said.
"I can have what I like for my very last meal - I've ordered a damn good spread.
It's turkey and chips for tea tonight, and Brussels sprouts and peas,
And cranberry sauce and gravy... I can have just what I please!

And Christmas pudding, with holly on, and a bottle of Beaujolais,
And biscuits and cheese and cocoa, and nothing at all to pay.
It's almost worthwhile being hanged, for such a splendid treat,
And I'm going to pull a cracker, before I start to eat..."

And though the two were divided by the cold stone prison wall,
For a moment the world was happy, and peace reigned over all.
"And what have you got for tea tonight?" the man who was condemned said.
"Oh, only a mug of cold water, and a little piece of bread."

"But now is the time for fellowship! It doesn't seem right to me,
That you get bread and water, and I get a slap-up tea.
So, pass me your piece of bread, my friend, and I'll tell you what I'll do -
I'll make you a turkey butty, with cranberry sauce on, too."

So, he did what the voice had told him, as people often will.
And he waited for his sandwich... He's probably waiting still.
So, don't you listen to voices that come through a hole in the wall.
Though it's not a feast, dry bread, at least, is better than bugger-all


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE POACHER'S CHRISTMAS (Kipper Family)
From: Little Robyn
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 01:46 PM

My favourite is the Poacher's Christmas, also from the Kipper Family.
On the 13th day of Christmas my dog and I got caught with
12 stags a-rutting
11 salmon smoking
10 hares receding
9 breeding rabbits (all with dirty habits)
8 stoned crows
7 pleasant pheasants
6 bootiful turkeys
5 poached eggs
4 bald coots
3 lame ducks
2 moor hens
And a partridge in an old sack!

Robyn


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 10:04 PM

G'day Art Thieme,

"Henry Lawson's poem Santa Claus In The Bush just begs to get a good tune" ...

OK ... OK ... ! After your previous remark, to the same effect, in another thread I looked through the file copies of Mulga Wire ... but couldn't find the prize-winning setting I mentioned.

If I can't track it down in publication, I'll see if I have the submitted cassette (it was years ago) filed away - and chisel the dots down on the rough stone.

(Some time ... maybe when the Antipodean weather stops trying for record high temperatures. We had the highest October [mid Spring] temperature ever recorded in Sydney, last month {38º C = ~ 100.4º F] ... and yesterday was threatened to be the highest November [last day of Spring] temperature ever recorded (42º C = ~ 108º F] ... but a cool sea breeze saved coastal Sydney - if not the inland suburbs!

Regards,

Bob (definitely no air-con ... !)


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: LadyJean
Date: 30 Nov 04 - 11:09 PM

Sung:"Yingle bellski, yingle bellski yingle all the wayski"
Spoken "What are you doing?"
Spoken "I'm Russian the season."

Three kings of orient are
One of them lighted a big black cigar
It was loaded it exploded,
Two kings of orient are.

Two Kings of orient are
One of them lighted a bigh black cigar
It was loaded. It exploded.
One king of Orient are.

One king of orient are.
He lighted a big black cigar
It was loaded. It exploded.
Silent night.

I fear I do not know all the words to "Deck us all with Boston Charlie" But I'm sure several mudcatters do.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 12:05 AM

Two CDs that have been mentioned: "Bah! Humbug!" and "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen" are both funny and available at CAMSCO.
BTW, "No Lights on Our Christmas Tree" is by Cyril Tawney, not Sydney Carter. Cyril sings it on "Bah! Humbug!"


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 12:31 AM

Bob,

Good to hear from you. I'd forgotten you'd mentioned the possible tune for Lawson's poem. I keep trying to picture a Paddy Melon as a little kangaroo of sorts and not a juicy cultivated plant for eating--probably at breakfast.---The image is stuck in me brain though. Cutting it in half and removing the seeds.---

I was just listening to Backblock's Musicians last week.

All the best and a grand Christmas to you and yours,

Art


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 02:32 AM

G'dat Art,

Actually, the paddy melon (the vegetative sort) is decidedly un-edible ... and dangerous. One of the great old dance musicians (button accordion) from rural Forbes, Dave Mathias, was essentially blinded as a child by the caustic juice of a (thrown ... ? by other kids ... ?) paddy melon splashed into his eyes.

Regard(les)s,

Bob


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Snuffy
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 08:34 AM

Gaudy Tree, translated from the Latin


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Subject: Lyr Add: BALLAD OF SCALY OTIS, THE CHRISTMAS RAT
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 09:12 AM

This looks like a good book.

Then there's "Scaly Otis, the Christmas Rat", a poem I found on the Web several years ago, then altered it a bit and set it to music. (You can find the original version by Googling "Scaly Otis") It's been a favourite with the kids around here since then. Gave my little niece a nightmare once.

THE BALLAD OF SCALY OTIS, THE CHRISTMAS RAT
originally 1996 by David Moll, altered by Rick Deevey the same year

Christmas Eve is coming soon; a joyous time for all.
Purfle every windowpane and decorate the hall.
A time for joy and brotherhood, for woollen gloves and hat,
A time for Scaly Otis, Santa's Christmas rat.
Santa visits children sweet, to bring whate'er they please,
But Otis bites the naughty ones, and gives them a disease.
Bad children quiver in their beds, a-babbling with fear,
For they know who comes a-calling at this special time of year.

See little Becky Carpenter, with dimple in her chin.
Although her face is angel-sweet, her soul is black with sin.
In June she found a robin's nest and smashed it with a stick.
Tonight she'll learn that judgment comes and judgment comes right quick.
He'll scamper up the waterspout, his ghastly snout a-twitchin'.
He'll sneak inside and skulk around, and soon he'll find the kitchen.
He'll frolic in the garbage can until he's had his fill,
And then he'll scoot to Becky's room, his whiskers slick with swill.

Becky hears the pitter-pat of paws grotesque and wee.
Becky pulls the covers back and bravely looks to see.
He looks as though he's inside out. He smells like pesticide.
There's scores of running sores upon his loathsome scabby hide.
He scuttles like a hermit crab. There's larvae in his head.
He's bloated with the Gawd-knows-what. Some people say he's dead.
Then Scaly Otis bunches up, and leaps into the air.
Becky tries to shield herself, but he's already there.

Becky wails and thrashes 'round, her tiny feet a-drumming.
Across the hall her parents smile. They know she's had it coming.
And on that Christmas morning, there's peace within their home
As Becky lurches down the hall, her dimples flecked with foam.
They gather 'round the table for the splendid glowing feast
Though Becky won't be eating. She's not hungry in the least.
They'll raise a toast to Otis, where'er he may have gone:
"To spare the rat's to spoil the child. God bless us?every one!"


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Splott Man
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 11:20 AM

Jogging Along With Me Reindeer by John Kirkpatrick.

3 Wise Women by Stanley Accrington is hilarious.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Arkie
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 03:10 PM

Merry Christmas From the Family, Robert Earl Keen's, account of a family gathering, John Williamson's "Christmas Photo", and Simani'a "Ooh Christmas Tree" are lighthearted glimpses of the holiday season and good for a few laughs. They would not be all that easy to learn. "Ooh Christmas Tree" reminds me of my own tromps through the woods to find the perfect tree, back in the days when I had a woods.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 03:14 PM

Sid Kipper's "Death or Glory Wassail" is also in the DT - OK if you know the tine to the Wassail carol


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Smokey
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 03:53 PM

Post Chernobyl lyrics to "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" 1999 by
Smokey Dymny:

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it you would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer looked so wasted and so lame
They seemed to be unable to join in any reindeer games

Then one day some scientists came with their fancy stuff
They looked all over Finland, and they began to tut, tut, tut

Now we know why old Rudolph had a very shiny nose
The lichen he loved eating, was poisoned by a nuclear dose.
Now all those nuclear scientists shouted loud and danced with glee
They're sure that radiation, will do a job on you and me!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Kaleea
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 09:35 PM

Uff da!


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE CHIMNEY SONG
From: GUEST,Stephen
Date: 01 Dec 04 - 10:27 PM

Another from the twisted mind of Bob Rivers, THE CHIMNEY SONG, sung to a cute tune by a little girl with an adorable voice:

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night
But he never came, and it don't seem right
That there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
And we don't know what we're going to do,
'Cause there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace;
Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace
That there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll been waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says he's already here,
And he's stuck up in the chimney
And he doesn't say a word,
And he'll be there every Christmas.
And we'll have him every Christmas


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Ron Davies
Date: 02 Dec 04 - 06:54 AM

Some ideas--some I think already mentioned, some not.


If you can do "Santa Baby", that's always been well received at Christmas parties my group has sung at.

If the Morris men want to join in, you could try "Sound, Sound Your Instruments of Joy."

As mentioned above, anything from "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen"

Depending on how old they are they might well enjoy:

"We 3 Beatles of Liverpool are
One in a taxi, one in a car
One on a scooter, blowing his hooter
Following Ringo Starr"

"Mrs. Fogarty's Christmas Cake" has been a huge hit.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer can be sung to any number of tunes, including "Sherburne" and "Methinks I See An Heavenly Host of Angels on the Wing"

I also have a tape of Catmas Carols (carols with bad puns on cats), if you'd like any of those texts, and another one on a cow theme, (though I can't find the second one right now).

Another one I think I got from Mudcat

ABCDEFGHIJKMN
OPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L, No L No L, No L
This is an aphabet without any L


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Ron Davies
Date: 02 Dec 04 - 09:19 AM

Actually, of course "Sound Sound" is not a funny song---but it is fun to do.



Also, among the tunes that can be sung to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" is " Amazing Grace". So, of course, the opposite is also true.

In fact Rudolph can be sung to any song of the same meter. That can also be fun.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: JWB
Date: 02 Dec 04 - 12:40 PM

I've got a piece of sheet music at home with the song "All I Want for Christmas is a Concertina" on it. That could work for a Morris side. It's not a familiar tune, tho, so you would have to do some extra work.

Since we've heard from OZ in this thread, I'll mention Kevin "Bloody" Wilson's lovely "Hey Santa Claus, You C__t, Where's My F____ing Bike?"

Joy of the Season,

Jerry


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PoppaGator
Date: 03 Dec 04 - 05:57 PM

Anyone interested in funny/silly/outrageous/bad Christmas recordings might be interested in two annual extravaganzas broadcast by WWOZ in New Orleans.

On Friday 12/17 (two weeks from today) Bill & Julie's Horrendous Holiday Music Party will air from 11am to 2pm US Central Standard Time. That's noon-3 Eastern, 10-1 Mountain, 9-noon Pacific, and for our friends in the Greenwich Mean Time zone, 5-8 am [sorry!]. You Aussies are on your own to figure out what time it will be there -- think it might be a different day ;^).

Missy Bowen, another of the regular DJs who has a Friday evening show (10-midnight), also teams with a friend for an annual program of bad/humorous holiday music. She is anticipating some kind of scheduling problem and is not sure what date and time they will do it this year, but it might be that same Friday 12/17. Missy's partner-in-crime on this project, "The Doctor," is also an 'OZ volunteer DJ, so it could happen in one of his time slots rather than hers. If it does air during Missy's assigned timeslot, 10pm-midnight CST translates to 4-7 pm in the British Isles -- a much more civilized hour than Bill & Julie!

I've really enjoyed these programs in past years -- lots of funny stuff, more or less in the tradition of Dr. Demento.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Dec 04 - 09:36 PM

Hark! The herald angels sing,
Glory to the newborn Thing,
Who, because of radiation,
Will be cared for by the nation.

-- E. Gorey (I think)


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: LadyJean
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 01:42 AM

Rudolf the Red nosed Cowboy
Had a very shiney gun
And if you ever saw it.
You would turn around and run.
All of the other cowboys,
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolf
Join in any poker games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve,
the sherriff came to say.
Rudolf with your gun so bright.
Will you kill my wife tonight.
Then all the cowboys loved him,
and they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolf the red nosed cowboy,
You'll be hanging from a tree"

There used to be a children's show called "Ricky and Copper". Their gimmick was that a group of kids would come on the show, on their birthdays, and Ricky, the pretty lady host would have each of them sing a song and tell a joke. A little girl sang that one, and it has stayed with me all these years.
An eidetic memory is a mixed blessing.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Songbird
Date: 04 Dec 04 - 01:31 PM

To PennyBlack


any chance of getting the MP3 for Sam's Christmas?
Where would it be posted?
Thanks


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Gaucho
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 04:40 AM

refresh


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PennyBlack
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 12:27 PM

songbird:- et al

Go here and click on the Music Link - take your pick


PB


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Subject: Lyr Add: JIM-BOB THE RED-NECK REINDEER
From: Terry Allan Hall
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 04:07 PM

Here's a couple of "Texas Christmas Carols" that my daughter and I came up with:

JIM-BOB THE RED-NECK REINDEER

Jim-Bob the Redneck Reindeer
Has a piss-poor attitude
Just stood around scratching his cojones
And acting in a manner rude

Jim-Bob, he liked his Lone Star
He liked to honkey-tonk from dusk 'til dawn
He liked to line-dance to the "Cotton-Eyed Joe"
Then hurl his gut on Santa's lawn

Then one dusty Christmas Eve
Rudolph came to say:
"Jim-Bob, you're just Cow-town Trash!"
So Jim-Bob knocked him on his heiney

And now all the other reindeers
Are afraid they'll get what Ridolph got!
That why Jim-Bob the Red-neck Reindeer
Is the toughest buck of Santa's lot!

Then one dusty Christmas Eve
Miss Comet was heard to say:
"Jim-Bob, if I'm a good rein-doe
Won't you please just rock my world?

And now all the other rein-does
Want what Miss Comet had
And now JIm-Bob the redneck reindeer
Is a lot of little reindeer's Dad!

*****************************************************************
Santa Claus Is Copping a 'Tude

You better get wise, you better get hip
And don't go givin' your Mama no lip
'Cause Santa Claus is coping a 'tude!

He's making a list, he's checkin' it twice
He don't give a rat's ass if you're naughty or nice
'Cause Santa Claus is coppin' a 'tude

Ol' Rudolph, he got stupid
He got up in Santa's face
Now Santa's big white freezer
Is Rudolph's final resting place

You better get wise, you better get hip
And don't go givin' your Mama no lip
'Cause Santa Claus is coping a 'tude!

He's making a list, he's checkin' it twice
He don't give a rat's ass if you're naughty or nice
'Cause Santa Claus is coppin' a 'tude

Santa's three days out of Prozak!
He's jonesin' Xanax, too!
If Santa don't his fix right quick
We'll all get sacks of "poo"

You better get wise, you better get hip
And don't go givin' your Mama no lip
'Cause Santa Claus is coping a 'tude!

He's making a list, he's checkin' it twice
He don't give a rat's ass if you're naughty or nice
'Cause Santa Claus is coppin' a 'tude

Don't try to shuck and jive him
He's hip to all your tricks!
He's got better spies than Ashcroft
And he's had enough of your shit!

You better get wise, you better get hip
And don't go givin' your Mama no lip
'Cause Santa Claus is coping a 'tude!

He's making a list, he's checkin' it twice
He don't give a rat's ass if you're naughty or nice
'Cause Santa Claus is coppin' a 'tude


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: JJ
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:32 AM

Ricky and Copper? Is it a Pittsburgher you are then, LadyJean?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Mark Ross
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 10:41 AM

To the tune of JINGLE BELLS;

Walking down the aisle, with an empty pocketbook,
I can't afford to buy, so I'll just have to look,
Bells on registers ring, making me uptight,
I guess I'll have to go and rob a liquor store tonight!

Chorus;
Stick 'em up, stick 'em up, Christmas should be free,
I can't beat inflation, but inflation won't beat me!

Mark Ross


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Compton
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 11:21 AM

Nobady yet,(It appears) has mentioned...old favourites(??)"Does Santa Claus Sleep with His Whiskers Over or Under the Sheet?"...and "When Santa Got Stuck Up the Chimney"!!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 06:01 PM

G'day PennyBlack,

I followed your link .. and on to the MP3 link ... and was confronted with a comprehensive and detailed "Sign-up" page for all sorts of things I don't want - while being flakked by intrusive pop-ups (with no turn-off Xs) ... so I think I'll take the safe path ... and stick with the tune I wrote (channelling whiney Cockney music hall ... )!

Regard(les)s,

Bob Bolton


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PennyBlack
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 07:32 PM

and stick with the tune I wrote (channelling whiney Cockney music hall ... )! ?

If you are refering to the song mp3 requested by Songbird - as long as all copyright is observed feel free.

PB


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PennyBlack
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 07:41 PM

SoundClick

Press Play to listen - No membership required - MP3 download for members only - no charge and a great selection of music given not stolen from musicians throughout the world.

PB


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 07:58 PM

Geeziz............Just out of curiosity, did any of you actually think to look at back threads HERE AT MUDCAT????? Did you suppose that this thread topic was a new and novel idea???? Ya' know, there is a tremendous amount of knowledge and just plain fun on these threads over the years and it's all free for the takin'.....just take a few minutes and do a search or two!!!! AND did you consider that there just might be a few in the DT as well????

Here's a couple of old threads with quite a few on them:

Here's one with 146 posts
Here's 34 more posts


Spaw


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PennyBlack
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 08:08 PM

You mean Christmas Parody isn't new Spaw?

;-)

PB


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:45 PM

Errrr ... G'day Spaw,

Well ... I certainly am aware of lots of entertaining matter in past years' threads on this general topic ... but a new batch is always worth perusing!

PennyBlack:

Thanks for the direct "Play" link ... it was my initial intent to hear what the tune already in existence was like - and, probably, to use that at my friends' Christmas Party (having sent off the words, among a selection for their requirement that all party guests "sing for their suppers".

Whilst no link was forthcomng ... a tune just formed in my mind (drawing heavily on Cockney Music Hall traditions) ... but the eventual appearance of your link suggested I check out your tune. I just tried the new 'listen' link, but I suspect I'm blocked on this work site - anything with the dreaded ~.mp3 suffix locks up. (and the 'pop-up' flak is unabated!)

I might get through at home, tonight ... but my tune has been energetically taking up 'squatters' rights'!

Anyway, it's only for some light relief at the aforementioned friends' party ... and they'll need it ... They're throwing their Christmas Party (combined with 13-year old daughter's Birthday Party ... ) the day after they return from 3 months working in Thailand!

Regards,

Bob Bolton


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: PennyBlack
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 05:01 AM

Bob - no problem,

We changed the tune and some of the word as written by Dick (a good friend and enetrtainer for nearly 40 years) as he plays it with a uke and in the style of George Formby (not the grill maker!)which isn't quite us!

The song was uploaded the day after requested, as a favour and we used the Soudclick site as it's our main host for mp3 (handy for directing Festival organisers and potential bookers and saves sending CDs out!)

I was surprised you had problems with the site, the only "Pop-ups" I've come across there, are those fellow artist enlist to promote new songs etc. and the joining process as a "Listener" only requires a name, password and country of origin (not really intrusive and much the same as Mudcat) to join as a full member with a dedicated page and uplinks for your own MP3s band details is a little more work but a good thing as the site is a great place to peddle your music and band info.

Hope the party goes well - have a Good Christmas and a better New Year

PB


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 06:21 AM

OK: PennyBlack -

I got in to the 'listen' section, no problems, at home ... and the strong protection on my ISP immediately started flagging blocked "pop-ups".

Your tune probably stills displays a bit of its parentage with a 'Formby-style uke player ... far cheerier than my tune (although, they do sound pretty similar in structure ... only really differing in treatment!).

I started on the sign-up ... then decided NO ... that's more than I lay out - I'll live without.

Regards,

Bob


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Subject: Lyr Arr: A CHARISMA SCARE ROLL
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 07:12 AM

A CHARISMA SCARE ROLL

Go dressed team marriage end dull meant
Lit north ink cutest May
Forge eases cry star say fiord
West boor non crisp mistake,
Two safe assault form say tons spar
Win whee wore gonifs tray;
Owe, tide ink's off come fort enjoy, come fort enjoy,
Owe tye eye dink's off come fort enjoy.


An Udder Charisma Scare Roll

Oak gum ball if facefull, choy fall ant dry infant;
Gum ball ease it is sins off heavy nabob.
Gum band a door imp, barn off kinky faint shells.
Oak omelet acid Durham, oak omelet acid Durham,
Oak gum lettuce at Durhammm, cry, I still hoard.


And a harp pine weir two ewe hall.

Robin


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: LadyJean
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 12:11 AM

Yes JJ, born at Allegheny General Hospital on the Historic North Side, spent the first four years of my life in East Liberty, the next 19 in Squirrel Hill, the next four in Point Breeze, and the last 21 in Shadyside. I'm now living in Swissvale, and, true Pittsburgher that I am, it feels like exile. (Though I can't say I miss the gang fights.)
I am Pittsburgh Born, Pittsburgh bred, and when I die it will be from all those Original hotdogs I ate as a child. (From the original Original, on Station Street.)
Go Steelers!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Cluin
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 01:18 AM

Heard a funny one tonight: I Farted on Santa's Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me)


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 06:58 AM

FYI:

Customers who bought this title also bought:

More Twisted Christmas ~ Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio
Chipmunks Roasting on an Open ~ Bob Rivers
Twisted Christmas ~ Bob Rivers Comedy Corp
Christmas Comedy 1 ~ American Comedy Network
I Am Santa Claus ~ Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio
Dr. Demento Presents: Greatest Christmas Novelty CD ~ Various Artists
All Night Long / Merry Christmas From the Family [CD-SINGLE] ~ Montgomery Gentry/Charlie Daniels
The Best of Twisted Tunes, Vol. 2 ~ Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,donna
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 01:41 PM

Can someone tell me where I can find the Druken Twelve Days of Christmas or who sang it? Thanks!


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Subject: Lyr Add: DOT LIDDLE FUR CAP
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 08:04 PM

POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS ALERT

Iwas given a copy of this poem in 1970 and I've just dug it out of my archives. Bob Bolton may know of this because Corryong was moderately close to the site(s) of the Snowy Mountain Scheme and employed a huge variety of European migrant workers. Whether this has any connection to the parody of Dutch? English I don't really know. Given the manual telephone exchange number at that time I'd suggest that this was printed prior to 1968.

START

Season's Greetings

THE CORRYONG HOTEL - MOTEL

Tel. 4.                                             Towong Road, Corryong, V.

         "DOT LIDDLE FUR CAP"

Der night next vas Christmas, der night it was shtill
Der stockings ver hung by der chimney to fill
Noddings vas sturring at all in der town
For fear dot St. Nicholas vas not kom haroun.

Der children ver dried und gone to der bet
Und mudder in night gown und I go ahead
Vas scarching around in der trunk for der toys
Ve krept around kviet not to make any noise.

Now mudder vas carrying all der toys in her gown
Showink her person from der vaist down.
Ven as we kum near de crib uf our boy,
Our youngest and sveetest, our pride and our choy,

His eyes vide open as he pecked from his cot
Und seed everytink dot his mudder has got
But he didn't efen notice der toys in her lap,
He chust asked "fur who is dot liddle fur cap?"

Und mudder said "Hush," und she laughted with delight -
"I tink I giff dot to your Fadder tonight."


         Merry Christmas and a
            Happy New Year

END

Regards, John


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 09:42 PM

G'day John,

I was indeed living in the next township northwest of Corryong ... in 1967 ... the SMA (Snowy Mountains Authority) camp at Jindabyne. However I didn't hang around the Corryong Motel (I drove through every working day, heading to Albury-Wodonga to do site business ... and spend most Saturday evenings doing a bit of photographic work at Albert Mildren's darkroom - then off to the Nariel Creek Band's 50/50 Dance at the Memorial Hall) ... and I never came across this nugget.

I would have to say that it looks much more like "stage parody" German than any real German (or Dutch) patois. The appearance of some many German-speaking migrants at the 1949 start of the Snowy Mts Scheme certainly challenged Australians still settling back into civilian life after WW II ... but most of the genuine alarm had subsided by the 1960s ... and most of the newer labourers on the SMA projects seemed to be Croatians or Czechs (good fun for young and old after payday drinking sprees!).

We should also remember that the Nariel Creek Band I mentioned above was, then, led by Kon(rad) Klippel III - direct descendant of the Konrad Klippel who took up land in the area in 1857 ... and who was in demand for dance music from his Flutina (ancestral form of melodeon) ... until the night he drowned - crossing a river on the way to an outlying dance. (The Flutina survived ... and is still in the family!)

The general good humour (and downright sexiness of the last lines) suggests a far longer acquaintance than just the past two decades ... and I would address inquiries to the Klippels, or their close relatives the Simpsons, who still run the Band ... and the rightly famed Nariel Creek Folk Festival ... though I have to think of who is too much of a good Lutheran to answer this one!

Regards,

Bob


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 09:48 PM

G'day aagin John,

I was hoping to meet a friend up from Corryong this weekend ... but the Concertina Gathering in Lithgow seems to have withered under the strain of other committments ... especially Rural Fire Service rosters of those multitalented Lithgow lads who play concertinas ... brass band ... local orchestra ... and put out fires!

I've lost touch with the locals I knew in Corryong, before I left the Snowy Scheme, late in 1967. I'll try to pick up some of those contacts ... but it will have to be remotely, so I can't promise much enlightenment on the roigins and authorship of something used as a promotional card by a business ... some 40 years back!

Regards,

Bob


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 12:28 AM

Well, Alan Sherman had a bunch of them, like "Sam And Roz Are Comin' To Town," but I won't post them here till I check out the Christmas Parody threads. They may be posted there.


One of my favorite silly Christmas songs is "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas." I think the lyrics are posted in the Elephants and Hippos thread.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Wolfgang
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 07:00 AM

No, I didn't make it and I don't know who did for it was sent to me
by mail by someone who got it by mail by someone who... perhaps it's better if the author never is found. Anyway, those with a good knowledge of German and English may smile about this macaronic song.

Wolfgang

When the snow falls wunderbar
And the children happy are,
When the Glatteis on the street,
And we all a Glühwein need,
Then you know, es ist soweit:
She is here, the Weihnachtszeit

Every Parkhaus ist besetzt,
Weil die people fahren jetzt
All to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,
Kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt.
Shopping hirnverbrannte things
And the Christmasglocke rings.

Mother in the kitchen bakes
Schoko-, Nuss- and Mandelkeks
Daddy in the Nebenraum
Schmücks a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum
He is hanging auf the balls,
Then he from the Leiter falls...

Finally the Kinderlein
To the Zimmer kommen rein
And es sings the family
Schauerlich: "Oh, Christmastree!"
And the jeder in the house
Is packing die Geschenke aus.

Mama finds unter the Tanne
Eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,
Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,
Everybody does frohlocken.
President speaks in TV,
All around is Harmonie,

Bis mother in the kitchen runs:
Im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.

And so comes die Feuerwehr
With Tatü, tata daher,
And they bring a long, long Schlauch
An a long, long Leiter auch.
And they schrei - "Wasser marsch!",
Christmas is - now im - A....

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Hear the music, see the lights,
Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,

Merry Christmas allerseits...


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Subject: Lyr Add: MR SANTA CLAUS (D M Goldstein)
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 07:51 AM

"Mr Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein, 1987
(to the tune of "Mr Bojangles")

I met a man named Santa, and he'd pose with you,
In a red suit.
Silver hair, a red jacket, a long white beard,
and big black boots.
He'd fly so high, oh, he'd fly so high,
and then he'd "Ho ho ho!"

I met him in a Sears in Alaska, he was
down and out.
He looked to me to be the eyes of age,
as he spoke right out.
He talked of elves, yeah, he talked of elves,
smiled, "Ho ho ho"'ed and stepped.

(Chorus:)
Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. "Nick."

He made toys for the girls and boys at County Fairs,
throughout the South,
He spoke in tears of eight reindeer, how they and him
just flew about.
Now they've all retired, oh, they've all retired,
They stay home Christmas Eve.

He said "They'd prance at every chance when they would land
on roofs like planes,
But most 'the time they'd sit around pole and play
Those reindeer games."
He shook his head, and as he shook his head
I thought I heard a "Ho ho ho!"

(repeat Chorus and end.)


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Me
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 10:52 AM

Joy to the world
the teacher's dead
we barbecuded her head
what happended to the body
we flushed it down the potty
a round and a round
a rounnnndddddddddddd and arrouuuunnnnnnnnnnd!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 04:57 PM

.Woke up Christmas morning,
My poor old wife was dead.
Reindeer had been down the chimney,
and stamped on her head.


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Subject: Lyr Add: HERE WE COME A-CONQUERING
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 12:54 AM

Minnesota Public Radio sponsored a parody-writing contest. This one didn't win, but I like it better than the official winner:

HERE WE COME A-CONQUERING
Words, Ben Tri of Burnsville, MN. Tune, Here We Come A-Wassailing

Here we come a-conquering among the mudjadeen;
We're clueless of your culture so try not to be mean!

CHORUS: De-moc-ra-cy come to you,
And to you a ballot too;
Allah bless you and send you a government next year.
Allah send you a government next year.

We're not an occupation that stays forevermore;
But we're America's children, who've fought you once before. CHORUS

Good cleric and good Muslim, please duck our friendly fire,
Pray think of the poor children and help us in this trial. CHORUS

God bless the Shiite in his house, likewise the Sunni too!
And all the little children that 'round the table go. CHORUS


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Subject: Lyr Add: DER NITE B-4 XMAS
From: John M.
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 05:42 PM

Here is the Night Before Christmas parody which dates to 1947 and is found in the underground book Folk Poems & Ballads pg 56:
DER NITE B-4 XMAS

Der next nite vas Christmas, der nite it vas shtill.
Der stockings ve hung by der chimney to fill.
Nodding vas shtirring at all in der house,
For fear dat St. Nicholas vas nix kum heraus.
Der children var tired und gone to der bed,
Und mudder in her nightgown, and I on ahead
Vas searching around in der kloset for toys.
Ve crept around kviet not to raise any noise.
Now mudder vas carrying all de toys in her gown,
Showing her person from der vaist on down.
Ven ve come near der crib of our poy,
Our youngest und sveetest, our pride und our choy.
He opened his eyes vide as he peeked from his cot,
Und den he seen everyting his mudder has got.
But he didn't even notice der toys in her lap,
He chust asked, "Fer who is that little fur cap?"
Und mudder, she said, "Hush," und she laugh mid delight,
"I tink I give dot to your fadder tonight!"


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 09:30 PM

On of the funniest song for Christmas time is a little ditty composed by Bob Gibson and Tom Paxton. It's called "A Box of Candy and a Piece of Fruit". The one "naughty" word in it could be cleaned up. It is recorded by Bob on one of his albums---can't remember the title.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 11:12 PM

G'day John Mehlberg,

Thanks for your scholarly researched ... at least I know that I don't have to beat around my old friends, in Corryong, from 36 years back, to trace the parody posted by John in Brisbane, back on 09 Dec 04 - 08:04 PM. I see there is a fair degree of difference ... either from a diffent source ... or poorly remembered. As I told John in Brisbane, there were old-established 'Germanic' settlers ... from at least as far back as the mid 1850s goldrushes ... in the Upper Murray Valley area - so I felt it unlikely that it related to the influx of German-speaking workers on the Snowy Mts Hydro schemes.

I would guess the poem on the card (which was from an hotel-motel in a small country town, at the foot of the Snowy Mts, in the Australian state of Victoria) was just a standard text left set by the local (well ... probably 120-odd kilometres away, or ~75 miles, back then, in Wodonga) printer ... to drop in whatever business name was paying for a "saucy" Christmas card/promotional card. We were only just getting used to motels, at that time, and they had definite overtones of illicit liaisons!

Regards,

Bob


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Subject: Lyr Add: THREE WISE WOMEN (Stanley Accrington)
From: GUEST,3 wise women lyrics
Date: 25 Dec 07 - 07:34 PM

THREE WISE WOMEN
Stanley Accrington

Three wise women went to the stable, the stable, the stable,
Three wise women went to the stable
To see the baby king.

They got lost and asked for directions.
"Oh, you mean that bright star there!"

They still got there two weeks before the wise men,
To see the baby king.

When they got there they helped with the delivery,
Sent Joseph to boil some water.

When the baby was born they all crowded round him,
Told the angels to keep the noise down.

Then one wise woman said "Isn't he like his father?"
Mary gave her a strange look.

Then two wise women started cleaning out the stable,
The third one made a casserole.

Then three shepherds came to see the baby,
The women told them to take their shoes off first.

Now the three wise women didn't bring gold, frankincense and myrrh,
Their presents were far more useful.

The first wise women brought a Bob the Builder romper suit,
To fit size nought to six months.

The second wise woman brought a packet of disposables,
And those nappy sacks that smell faintly of Holmans.

The third wise woman brought a Winnie the Pooh mobile,
And a tape of Cilla Black singing lullabies.

Then the three wise women said goodbye to Mary and Joseph,
Went back to where they had come from.

Then the first wise woman said "Did you see her sandals?"
They just didn't go with that robe she wore.

The second wise woman said "You'd have thought they'd have cleaned the stable
out!
The smell, not to mention hygiene!"

Then the third wise woman said "You know that Joseph's not in work?!
How do they afford that donkey?"

Then the three wise women met the wise men going the other way,
Who stopped them to ask for directions.

The three wise women shrugged and just carried on their way,
Muttering about the usefulness of myrrh.

Three wise women went to the stable,
To see the baby king.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Date: 25 Dec 07 - 07:37 PM


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Subject: Lyr Add: GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
From: GUEST,Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Date: 25 Dec 07 - 07:38 PM

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much eggnog.
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,
and she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas mornin,'
at the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa.
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(Send them back)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table.
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Sing it Grandpa)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: The Unicorn Man
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 12:53 PM

"Oh Hell Oh Hell. I do not feel well
Sitting in this police station cell
Why do people make a fuss
And call the police when
I am sick in their front garden."   

To the tune of Noel Noel.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: recording
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 03:14 PM

I am looking for funny lyrics for christmas songs. It will be produced and compensation will be fairly distributed. If interested please contact me at:

newlinerecoding@yahoo.com

Serious inquiries only.......


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: GUEST,isaiah
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 08:49 AM

wheres my fucking bike


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Subject: Lyr Add: WALKIN' 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR
From: BrooklynJay
Date: 22 Nov 17 - 02:01 AM

Time to dust off a classic (well, at least IMHO) with some additional lyrics I added to bring the song up to date:

WALKIN' 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR

Words by Bob Rivers, additional words by Jay Pearlman
(Tune: Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things the wife is missin',
Didn't ask her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes, her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store there's a teddy,
Little straps like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Norman,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, man!
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade and join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Yesterday I bought a pair of bloomers,
1930's style, you can't go wrong.
This should put an end to all the rumors
That I'm too overweight to wear a thong!

Then we'll all tell the saga,
Of how we dressed like Lady Gaga.
Straight, bi, or gay, we're just born this way,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Little lacy, racy underwear!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: Acorn4
Date: 22 Nov 17 - 04:17 AM

Black Friday


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Funny Christmas songs
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 22 Nov 17 - 05:01 AM

Also check, some funny Christmas songs in a related thread
New and Different Christmas songs
/mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=158835


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Subject: Lyr Add: SCARLET RAYGUNS
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Nov 17 - 07:14 AM

John Connolly's song always impressed me as among the best
Jim Carroll

SCARLET RAYGUNS
(Send Us A Postcard John Conolly CD)

I peeped in to say Goodnight and I heard my child in prayer,
Send for me a Scarlet Raygun that will burn off Daddy's hair.
Oh dear Santa, if you've got 'em send me bullets and a shell.
Last night Daddy smacked my bottom, send a hand- grenade as well.

I've seen the toys upon the telly, Tommy Gun and Action Man,
Lower gently down my chimney something nuclear if you can.
Battleships and radar scanners, missile, bomb and limpet mine,
Grandma says I've got no manners, she can be the next in line.

Send some crackers trimmed with holly for Uncle Fred on Boxing Night,
He's the one who's ever so jolly, fill 'em up with dynamite.
My walking, talking robot Teddy, he can fire a lethal ray,
Got my practice target ready, pussy scratched me yesterday.

I don't want a plastic soldier, I don't want one made of wood,
Now that I'm a little older I want one that bleeds real blood.
Send for me a "Johnny Seven", that's a gun that can't go wrong,
I'll send Grandad off to heaven, he's been waiting far too long.

I peeped in to say Goodnight and as I heard my child in prayer,
I put away his Christmas presents, gold and frankincense and myrrh.
Christmas is a time for loving not to play that killing game,
I built myself a fallout shelter, wouldn't you have done the same


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Subject: Lyr Add: MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU SUCKERS
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 22 Nov 17 - 02:25 PM

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU SUCKERS
Paddy Roberts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMu-lioGLfQ


Merry Christmas you suckers,
You miserable men,
That old festive season is with you again,
You?ll be spending your money on cartloads of junk,
And from here to new year you?ll be drunk as a skunk.

Merry Christmas you suckers,
It?s perfectly clear,
That you fall for it all a bit sooner each year,
If it goes on like this you will find pretty soon,
That you?re singing ?White Christmas? as early as June.

This Christmas card racket,
Will cost you a packet,
Each season it seems to expand,
The cards are so clever,
Though nothing whatever,
To do with the subject in hand

You?ll be taking the kids round to multiple stores,
To be frightened to death by some old Santa Claus,
Then its parties with spirits and vino and beer,
Merry Christmas you suckers,
And a happy new year.

Merry Christmas you suckers,
You bleary-eyed lot,
You?ll never get rid of that headache you?ve got,
But I hope you feel splendid you certainly should,
With your stomachs distended with turkey and pud.?

Merry Christmas you suckers,
Jump into your cars,
Roar off to your neighbours,
To sink a few jars,
Though your vision is double just keep smiling through,
There are others in trouble a lot worse than you.

Beyond any question acute indigestion,
Will plague you and make you unwell,
You won?t take the warning,
You?ll wake up each morning,
Undoubtedly feeling like hell,

But stick to it suckers,
Go swallow a pill,
For this is the season of peace and goodwill,
While we patiently wait for that nuclear blast?
Merry Christmas you suckers, it may be your last.


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Subject: Lyr Add: AUNTIE JULIA
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 22 Nov 17 - 09:33 PM

I suspect there are plenty of these songs lurking about on other such past threads, but here's one I sang last Christmas after a lot of "Should I, shouldn't I?" (RIP Lennie!)


AUNTIE JULIA                
(Parody of Leonard Cohen?s Hallelujah, sung by Jez Lowe, by Mike Daniels Scott)

It's Christmas day the family who came to dinner stayed for tea
And my digestive system feels peculiar.
We've pulled the crackers, read the jokes, then on her fourteenth rum and coke,
Granny said, "Let's all sing Hallelujah".
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelu-u-u-u-u-jah.

I've heard it sung so many times, that litany of dodgy rhymes,
It's even sung by Natalie Imbruglia.
We get up to verse nine or ten, then you suggest we start again,
But I'm afraid I had to overrule yah.
Overrule yah, overrule yah, overrule ya, overru-u-u-u-u-ule yah.

The gift I gave you was quite nice, but you had got the same thing twice,
I've still got the receipt, I'll post it to yah.
At Christmas we must show we care, and that's the reason I must wear
This cardy knitted by your Auntie Julia.
Auntie Julia, Auntie Julia, Auntie Julia, Auntie Ju-u-u-u-u-ulia.

When Leonard heard my Christmas song, it didn't take him very long,
To figure out that this was Hallelujah,
He 'phoned his lawyer straight away, said "Get a letter off today,
Tell him Mr. Cohen's gonna sue yah".
Gonna sue yah, gonna sue yah, gonna sue yah, gonna sue-u-u-u-u-ue yah

Pine needles dropping off the tree, whilst I am absentmindedly,
Beginning to peel my thirty-first satsuma.
At Christmas I get overwrought, but even so I never thought,
That I would wind up singing Hallelujah.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelu-u-u-u-u-u-jah.


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Subject: Lyr Add: ME AND SANTA WE'VE GOT AN UNDERSTANDIN'
From: reggie miles
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 01:19 AM

Me & Santa We've Got An Understandin

This one came to me a few years ago and I've enjoyed sharing it during the holidaze. I've often found myself so busy during the season that I had little time actually enjoy it as others did. I guess that's what sparked this one into being. Click on the above link to see a music video that I created with it, featuring some sweet vintage Santa images. Or paste the following into your browser... https://youtu.be/nWZCWi56_1g

Me and Santa, We've Got An Understandin'
By Reggie Miles © 2008 All rights reserved

Me and Santa we've got an understandin'

While he's workin' in his toy shop, all year long
I'll be hangin' round here, just a singin' this song
Can havin' this much fun really be so wrong?
Yep, me and Santa we've got an understandin'

As he packs up his sleigh, full of all sorts of toys
For all those good little girls and boys
I'll be strummin' my guitar 'n' makin' some noise
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Santa understands I'm too busy to lend a hand
Each year as Christmas time draws near
So, he and the elves will have to fill those toy shelves themselves
Besides, I think that I'm allergic to reindeer

Then on Christmas Eve, late at night
When Santa and his reindeer take to the sky in flight
I'll be safe on the ground, hopin' everything goes alright
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

And while he's surfing the clouds on his midnight ride
With my warm cup of cocoa I'll stay inside
And sit by the fire and rock and glide
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Santa understands I'm too busy to lend a hand
Each year as Christmas time draws near
He knows I'm all thumbs when it comes to tyin' ribbon bows
And besides, I think that I'm allergic to reindeer (Ah-choo!)

While he's out there freezin' off his big behind
Slippin' on every icy roof line
I'll be chuggin' mugs of eggnog and feelin' real fine
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

When he's slidin' along on the snow and ice
Makin' his list and checkin' it twice
I'll be tryin' to remember if I was more naughty or nice
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Santa understands that makin' sleigh ride flight plans
Just gets me all weak in the knees
He knows, I'm no good with heights and untanglin' Christmas lights
And reindeer make me sneeze (Ahchoo!)

And as he streaks through the heavens, his cheeks all rosy red
I'll be nestled all toasty tucked away in my bed
With visions of sugar plum fairies dancin' round my head
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

As he's stuffin' his big belly down all those chimney flues
And scarfin' up his milk and cookie dues
I'll be pickin' and singin' these ol' Yuletide blues
Cuz me and Santa we've got an understandin'

Me and Santa we've got an understandin'


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