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BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity

catspaw49 14 Dec 04 - 08:16 PM
GUEST,marks 14 Dec 04 - 08:34 PM
frogprince 14 Dec 04 - 08:37 PM
Jeri 14 Dec 04 - 08:38 PM
CarolC 14 Dec 04 - 08:43 PM
Amos 14 Dec 04 - 08:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 14 Dec 04 - 08:53 PM
wysiwyg 15 Dec 04 - 04:37 AM
Gervase 15 Dec 04 - 04:54 AM
GUEST,Mingulay 15 Dec 04 - 05:16 AM
Blissfully Ignorant 15 Dec 04 - 05:18 AM
Gervase 15 Dec 04 - 05:41 AM
Morticia 15 Dec 04 - 05:57 AM
GUEST,Mingulay 15 Dec 04 - 06:36 AM
Pied Piper 15 Dec 04 - 10:05 AM
SINSULL 15 Dec 04 - 12:30 PM
Peace 15 Dec 04 - 12:33 PM
Tannywheeler 15 Dec 04 - 12:51 PM
Little Hawk 15 Dec 04 - 01:28 PM
Peace 15 Dec 04 - 02:01 PM
Georgiansilver 15 Dec 04 - 03:05 PM
catspaw49 15 Dec 04 - 03:50 PM
Liz the Squeak 15 Dec 04 - 04:23 PM
SINSULL 15 Dec 04 - 04:33 PM
Liz the Squeak 15 Dec 04 - 04:35 PM
Peace 15 Dec 04 - 04:42 PM
SINSULL 15 Dec 04 - 05:05 PM
GUEST,amergin 15 Dec 04 - 05:19 PM
Little Hawk 15 Dec 04 - 11:31 PM
YorkshireYankee 16 Dec 04 - 12:21 AM
Seamus Kennedy 16 Dec 04 - 12:33 AM
GUEST,Mingulay 16 Dec 04 - 04:23 AM
catspaw49 16 Dec 04 - 07:12 AM
Amos 16 Dec 04 - 08:18 AM
Roger the Skiffler 16 Dec 04 - 09:41 AM
Donuel 16 Dec 04 - 10:26 AM
Seamus Kennedy 16 Dec 04 - 10:37 AM
Pete Jennings 16 Dec 04 - 11:11 AM
GUEST,Mingulay 16 Dec 04 - 11:16 AM
SINSULL 16 Dec 04 - 11:28 AM
YorkshireYankee 16 Dec 04 - 01:12 PM
GUEST,amergin 16 Dec 04 - 01:16 PM
harpgirl 16 Dec 04 - 01:28 PM
catspaw49 16 Dec 04 - 01:37 PM
CarolC 16 Dec 04 - 01:51 PM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 04 - 01:58 PM
catspaw49 16 Dec 04 - 02:04 PM
Georgiansilver 16 Dec 04 - 02:18 PM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 04 - 02:30 PM
Blissfully Ignorant 16 Dec 04 - 03:07 PM
Liz the Squeak 16 Dec 04 - 07:39 PM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 04 - 07:41 PM
CarolC 16 Dec 04 - 08:15 PM
catspaw49 16 Dec 04 - 08:25 PM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 04 - 08:59 PM
GUEST,name withheld 16 Dec 04 - 09:05 PM
Peace 16 Dec 04 - 09:08 PM
Little Hawk 16 Dec 04 - 09:13 PM
SINSULL 16 Dec 04 - 09:57 PM
Amos 16 Dec 04 - 10:11 PM
catspaw49 16 Dec 04 - 10:50 PM
harpgirl 16 Dec 04 - 11:08 PM
Amos 16 Dec 04 - 11:47 PM
CarolC 16 Dec 04 - 11:48 PM
SINSULL 17 Dec 04 - 12:00 AM
Amos 17 Dec 04 - 12:12 AM
Liz the Squeak 17 Dec 04 - 03:52 AM
CarolC 17 Dec 04 - 01:11 PM
Liz the Squeak 17 Dec 04 - 05:49 PM
catspaw49 18 Dec 04 - 01:03 AM
Little Hawk 18 Dec 04 - 01:05 AM
Amos 18 Dec 04 - 10:46 AM
wysiwyg 18 Dec 04 - 10:55 AM
SINSULL 18 Dec 04 - 11:00 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 18 Dec 04 - 08:34 PM

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Subject: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:16 PM

From my earliest memories come tales of people, great people, who have been given that one, bright and shining moment of true clarity and vision. An instant where all else in the brain is blotted out and only a small voice comes piercing through accomapnied by the sound of synapses thundering as a bolt of lightning.

Perhaps the first ones came from the bible stories my grandpa read to me of Moses and the Burning Bush or Paul on the road to Damascus. Later they came from reading the lives of people like Curie or Pasteur and even later the great minds of this century.

Leo Szilard literally saw the splitting of the atom as he walked along the street observing people moving between lights and intersections. He had that one moment when all was made clear and although others would have come to it eventually, Szilard saw it in a vision with that one bright and shining moment of true clarity. Or Richard Feynman, another great physicist, began his Nobel Prize winning work in quantum mechanics after observing a plate thrown frisbee-like across a room. One bright and shining moment that changed history and science forever. I always figured that each of us was entitled to one in a lifetime at least...even if we didn't understand it or put it to use. I had never had one, until last night............

Something woke me at about 4 AM and as I came awake, I felt it again. I struggled to get to my feet and as I did, again I felt the pain. I realized that the pain came from what felt like a gas cramp of unbelievable proportion. The next time it hit I was doubled over in complete anguish. And it was there in the midst of that searing, white hot pain, that my moment finally came to me. The thoughts that had been in my mind were blocked completely by the pain and instead I heard that sharp and piercing voice of crystalline clarity and it spoke the truth as I had never heard the truth spoken before. It spoke not of religion or science or of things undiscovered and yet it's truth was the equal of those that were spoken to Szilard or Feynman. Struggling to stand, the shrill bell-like voice spoke not to Moses or Paul, but to me!

If you don't get to the bathroom in ten seconds you're going to shit yourself.

I guess that our moments of truth are somehow tied to our station in life or something. Although it wasn't earth shattering or history changing, it was, at least, a moment of complete truth and clarity of vision. But I have to admit, I was hoping for something more.............On the plus side, I did make it to the head!

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,marks
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:34 PM

Inspirational! Thanks so much for sharing!


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: frogprince
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:37 PM

'spaw, yer pitiful. (LOL).


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Jeri
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:38 PM

Classic. So glad the realization wasn't "If you're not in the bathroom already..." I think it's possible you get to have more than one bright, shining moment. Let's hope so. As bright, shining moments go, this one's pretty lame. (Wasn't this whole thing in A movie about King Art? Something about, "For one bright, shining moment, there WAS a place known as... Crapalot!")


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:43 PM

Oh, man. You're in far better shape than me then, Spaw. I had one of those moments a few evenings ago. Only the voice said, "get to the bathroom now before you barf all over the kitchen floor". But did I listen? Noooo....

Fortunately, mid-barf, JtS ran and got the trash can so I only had to clean up about half of my barf off the floor.

;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Amos
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:47 PM

Spaw,

I stand bemused, in the presence of a Master. Nonplussed, yet somehow impressed. Clearly, this is a subtlety of wit I have never before had to fathom.

Thanks, man.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:53 PM

Yeah, buddy. Them epiphanies is sumfin' else, ain't they? That's "epiphany", not "Epiphone". Diff'rent things.

Now, havin' an epiphany about shit is not as uncommon as you might think. And havin' an Epiphone that is shit ain't real uncommon either.

Now, speakin' of epiphanies, I had a dream th' other night. I had a coin that had George W. Bush's head on both sides, but every time I flipped it, it came up tails. Wonder what that means? Gotta be somethin' like th' sound of one hand clappin' or the lyrics to "The Camptown Races".

Oh, the Camptown ladies sing this song,
Doo-dah, doo-dah


Try not t' think about it too hard, ya hear?


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 04:37 AM

I knew it. There IS a God and He DOES speak to Spaw. And he hears Him, evidently!

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Gervase
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 04:54 AM

That's two soaked keyboards in the space of a month. Listen, pal, any more of that malarkey and you're going to have to open an account with the f***ing Apple Store to replace them.
Otherwise I could stop taking sugar in coffee, so the resultant mess isn't quite so sticky. Or I could train Pete (The Cat That Looks Like Hitler) to piss on the keys once a week to flush 'em out.
Either way, 'Spaw, this place is for the solemn and earnest discussion of Folk and Blues (save for the the wittering of the lunatics who crawled out of the Hull Asylum), and should be treated with due reverence and respect. I don't expect to click and a thread and be made to laugh!


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:16 AM

I can't see what everyone's laughing about. This sort of thing is not funny. As is so happens I can see exactly where 'Spaw is coming from on this most serious subject. It is easy to mock those so afflicted by sudden and uncontrolable movements.

JUST WAIT 'TIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:18 AM

Think yourself lucky...you've got a wet keyboard, whereas i've got a wet seat... effin hilarious! :)

Bart Simpson can clap with one hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Gervase
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:41 AM

It has, oh God, it has...
Some years back I had the Godawful job of looking after the first edition of an evening paper - as in finding stuff to fill pages one and three before it went to press at the absurdly early time of 7.30 am (yes, I did say evening paper, I know). That meant being in the newsroom by 5.30 in the morning, which is not so much a time as a state of mind.
Being young and foolish, I thought it was possible to continue with the riotous life of a libertine while looking after the sparrowfat edition of the paper. Poor fule! All too often I would roister and roger until the wee hours and then, with a groan, realise that I had to be at work in a couple of hours. Many's the time I arrived in the office without actually having passed 'bed' and collected 200 winks.
Anyway, invevitably such abuse took its toll.
One morning I was pondering the Middle East (before realising that the moronic editor would probably prefer a showbiz story on the front) when the sins of the night before began to foment.
Shifting uncomfortably, I prayed the moment would pass. But no, the pressure became more insistent - building up just as deadline loomed. Sod it, I thought, I'll ease springs with a small fart. That can't do any harm...
What followed was mercifully silent, but horribly damp. To them as has done it, the feeling is unmistakeable and hugely uncomfortable.
Remember that this was at an hour when most of the world was still abed. The newsroom was as quiet as a monastery scriptorium, with bleary hacks and subs puttering away on their keyboards. I turned to my nearest colleague and asked, in as low as whisper as possible: "Patrick - any idea what time Marks and Sparks opens?"
It was an innocent enought question. I could have been hankering after one of their overpriced prawn sarnies, or wanting to do some very early Christmas shopping.
But Patrick, the canny swine, fixed me straight in the eye and simply said: "You've just shat yourself, haven't you?"
It was so bluntly put that there could be no denial. I mumbled rather than make an admission, blushing furiously through the sweat. At which an evil grin crossed his face and he stood up. Clearing his throat, he addressed the toiling masses. "Ahem - ladies and gentlemen. Honesty compels me to inform you all that our esteemed colleague has just shat himself and is now sitting very uncomfortably waiting for M&S to open to replace his shattered underpants." Every head in the large, open-plan office swivelled round to look, as Patrick sat down and continued rewriting some agency copy.
The utter bastard.
Crimson with embarrassment, I skulked off, crab-like, to the bathroom where I 'freshened up' as best I could. But what to do with the by now highly offensive underpants - which were actually long-johns, it being winter. Their state was not pleasant, and their bulk meant that there was no way I could simply flush them down the khazi. They would have to be binned - but where? Leaving a package like that would surely contravene the Geneva Convention.
Then inspiration struck. On the floor above us was the newsroom of a tabloid daily newspaper; a bilious, right-wing spewer of the most appalling prejudice and bilge. Clutching a plastic bag, I crept up the stairs and into the as-yet empty office. Under the newsdesk was a small filing drawer for expenses forms and the like. Opening the drawer I stuffed the whole stinking package down and to the back among the paperwork. Then, feeling considerably lighter and cleaner, I left with a spring in my step to await the opening of Marks and Sparks.
It's an ill wind...


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:57 AM

thanks so much, Gervase and Spaw.....I have now inadvertantly announced to the entire office that my earnest peering at my computer screen is clearly nothing to do with work....work being notoriously unfunny


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 06:36 AM

It's amazing what you learn on here is it not? I never before knew that badly drawn cartoon characters could catch antisocial diseases such as hand clap. Is there an effective treatment for this?


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Pied Piper
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 10:05 AM

Wonderful
PP

PS While I'm here a quote I read on the chiff and fipple web site.

"If I have seen less far than others, it is because I've had giants standing on my shoulders"


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 12:30 PM

Oh God! I am laughing so hard it hurts. Thank you, guys!


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Peace
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 12:33 PM

I just had one of those moments about a few people who have stuck a figurative knife in my back. However, on the bright side, I felt like Caesar for a moment there--just before my heart quit.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 12:51 PM

Ming, my dear, remember that true education is a great value for one's whole life, to be absorbed and cherished. Isn't that why we all spend so much time at this Cafe?    Tw


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 01:28 PM

Oh...my...GAWD. Spaw, I wonder? Was this your chosen seduction technique on the naive maidens you once romanced in your bygone youth? A deeply moving (no pun intended), highly poetic, impassioned and idealistic, wellnigh visionary intro....followed by a gross and primitive concluding act?

(shudder)

Nice intro, though. If you raised horses and wrote sci-fi novels, I bet they'd be almost as good as William Shatner's.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Peace
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 02:01 PM

Spaw's OK--in fact, he's excellent, but no one compares to Shatner. Stop 'setting the bar' above the abilities of mortals, LH.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 03:05 PM

Funny but I had one of those moments when you realise you have to do something immediate.
In a discotheque, my mate asked a girl...a beautiful girl to dance.
Within seconds someone..a male attacked him with a punch in the face and a kick when he was down....I saw red and attacked his attacker with a hail of punches.....His attacker fell unconscious on the dance floor..........I was a Police Officer at the time and I traded on the fact over the next two years....that I...had duffed up a professional boxer. All the kids recognised me as the Cop who had done (anonymous the boxer)
I had an undeserved respect, as Mr Anonymous had not seen me coming just as my friend had not seen him.
The fact was...I knew what I had to do at that moment!
Life has some funny twists and turns eh??
Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 03:50 PM

GERVASE!!! You SOB....Okay man.....you got even!! Absolutely cracked me up! Reminded me of a similar story told by an old friend....and I won't tell it here because when not told in the first person, the "Funny Factor" drops by at least 50%.

   BTW.....Since Sinsull is getting a good laugh out of this, don't you think it very likely she too has a moment to share?

What about it Sins?

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 04:23 PM

You utter bastard Gervase.....


I have not only a damp keyboard, but a damp face, a runny nose, a possible coronary and more likely, a damp seat.......


And I too, have a cat that looks like Hitler.

Did they ever find the bag?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 04:33 PM

Yes - but the last time I shared it, my nephew Chris' friend from India recoiled in horror. So I guess I'll keep it to myself. Suffice to say though - it happened in the front seat of a new car in rush hour traffic. I will say no more.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 04:35 PM

You know.. I feel considerably less guilty about the round of applause at Towersey that year now......

And grateful that you did indeed make it in time, despite sitting round the door of my tent saying 'I really need to take a sh*t!' for 30 mins beforehand.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Peace
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 04:42 PM

When is a practical joke not funny?

Went with a friend to visit someone I'll call Roy. He lived in an apartment in Montreal. We rang the bell and his voice came over the intercom. I put my jacket over my mouth and said, "Montreal Police Department. We have a warrant. Open the door please." When we got to the third floor, we knocked on his door. His jaw dropped when he saw it was us. In the background we could hear the sound of his toilet cistern refilling. He was speechless. We were sad. I still have the odd thought about Roy. And his toilet.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:05 PM

Did you replenish his stash?
SINS, still laughing


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:19 PM

Come on, Sins....do tell.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:31 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! I bet Shane can relate to this thread bigtime.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 12:21 AM

These touching reminiscences remind me of the following Steve Goodman story...

"Steve was asked to provide musical entertainment on part of Edmund Muskie's 1972 presidential campaign. At a stop in Florida while Muskie was giving his stump speech, the combination of chemotherapy and a Mexican dinner the night before sent Goodman rushing to the bathroom on the campaign train. As he wrote in "The City Of New Orleans" this train also had a sign in the lavatory asking passengers to please refrain from flushing the toilet while the train is in the station. Fearful of the embarrassment of leaving this, and thinking it would empty onto the side of the track, Goodman pulled the chain and returned to his seat.

"Only on this train, the toilet disposed of waste by shooting it out the back in a high pressure mist. Seconds later, Muskie's campaign manager burst into the car screaming. 'People are being covered with shit out there!' To which Goodman replied, Hey man, he's your candidate!' "

-by Nancy Goodman Tenney, condensed from the accompanying book to No Big Surprise


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 12:33 AM

In October this year, I was at Baltimore International Airport getting ready to fly to Seattle for a visit with some friends and then a jaunt up to Vancouver to see my brother.
I'd bought some sneakers with no metal content, eyelets or shank, so I could walk through the metal-detector without removing my footwear.
I placed all my metal objects in the plastic container provided and set it on the conveyor to go through the X-ray machine.
I walked though the metal detector with nary a beep, but the TSA employee pulled me aside and said "We're going to have to wand you sir."
I said, "But there's no metal in my sneakers, the machine didn't beep."
He said, "But we're going to do it anyway."
I never lose my good humor in such situations (because it usually makes things worse with those guys and gals), so I said "Please go right ahead," with a pleasant smile.
"Please extend your arms out to the sides, sir." I did so, and he went over my arms and torso with the magic metal-detecting wand.
" Sit in this chair, please, sir."
I did so.
"Please extend your right leg, sir."
I did so, and he went over my leg with the wand. It beeped and chirped like a canary on speed.
"Do you have a metal knee, sir?"
"No."
Any metal pins or screws in your leg?"
"No."
"Please extend your other leg, sir."
I did so. Once again he went over the leg with the magic wand. Once again, beeping and chirping like an aviary at sunrise.
"Do you have a metal knee in THIS leg, sir?"
"No."
"Any metal pins or screws in THIS leg?"
"No."
He was scratching his head, befuddled, when a supervisor who had witnessed the whole exchange, came over and tapped him on the shoulder.
"John," he said, "it's the CHAIR leg."

Seamus


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 04:23 AM

It's threads like this that make me glad I come to this Cafe. Not always for the scintillating wit and repartee or even the bottomless pit of musical knowledge.

No, for me it has to be the fact that the toilets are VERY CLOSE BY and well maintained.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 07:12 AM

LMAO......Ohmygawd Seamus, that one is great although I don't think people like John ever have any moments of clarity! But I tell you what John does have........He has a soul mate living here in Ohio. I'm recycling this tale I told a few years ago because I really think we should try to play matchmaker and fix these two up with a date! See if you don't agree...........

We stopped at a Ponderosa for supper. I asked the teenage girl behind the counter for some cream for my coffee. This turned out to be a stupid question. I had looked in the stainless bin thingy and all there was left was the ice to cool the little creamer containers. She stared down at the empty bin like it had just been deposited there by aliens. Since she wasn't moving, I thought I should elaborate.....a real mistake.

I said, "You know, that bin there with the ice.....It holds the milk.......The ice keeps it cool.........It's empty....." She stares at me as though I am the alien and still doesn't move. Okay, I keep trying. "You know, cream? Milk? To put in my coffee. The milk goes in the bin there and I get some to put into my coffee???" Suddenly it seems to dawn on her and she says she'll be right back. I turned to Karen, who's a bit incredulous herself, and I make disparaging comments about the girl.

Karen is chastising me for being a curmudgeon when Miss Ditz returns with an open pint of milk. I'm thinking, "Okay, so they're out of creamer," and reach to take the carton from her when...........have you got it figured out?................yeah, that's right,....she pours the carton of milk into the bin with the half-melted ice! There is a 2 second pause before Karen and I look at each other and then are convulsed in laughter. It's so bad that it takes a minute or so for me to say, "Can I see the manager for a minute?" Manager arrives and I, choking with laughter, try my best to tell the tale. He finally looks down and sees the bin, full of watery, icey, milk and stares at Miss Ditz..........Then back at the bin........Then again at Miss Ditz.........Then back at the bin.........And after his own "pregnant pause," starts laughing himself. Nice fella'.......gave us a 25% discount saying the laugh was worth it.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:18 AM

I guess they must specialize in these stunts in Spaw's area, and no-one has figgered out it is his own reality-distortion field makes 'em happen!! That was too good!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:41 AM

What Gervase omitted, was that the right-wing tabloid used his "contribution" in their next editorial...

RtS
(Great stories, guys!)


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:26 AM

Seamus, you should write a book on
How to Fool Airport Security

Another time a tin foil wrapped cheese wheel caused so much commotion at the US air checkpoint I put it loosely to song.

to the hymn of 'What a friend we have in Jesus'


What a friend we have in cheeses
Chedder munster and Guryere
But what a hassle tis to carry
past security at US Air.

O what peace we often forfeit
O what needless pain we bear
All because we carried cheeses
on board a flight of US Air.

We were fondled and then X-rayed
Because of troubles in the air
The screener had trememdous courage
to plunge their hands in underwear.

Did we seem a fiend unfaithful
who would bomb without a care
Jesus is our cheese a weakness
in security at US Air.


Are we weak from ol bin Laden
cumbered with a load of care.
The guards ran to seek some refuge
from tin wrapped cheese we had to share.


Do the guards despise, forsake you?
at air ports everywhere
They are armed and may likely shoot you
if they find some cheese in there.


By the time this made the papers
the story was in total error,
with thanks, praise and endless worship
for security at US Air.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:37 AM

Spaw, we oughtta get those two together! How would you like a pup out of THAT litter?
Donuel - funny song, man! Did you know that Kraft is opening a plant in Israel?
They're callng it Cheeses of Nazareth.
TheOBSMOTC in my story was mine, when I realized that these McDonalds' rejects are supposed to be protecting us from the bad guys.
Sometimes, I'd like to be like Gervase and put a loaded set of underwear in my carry-on at security just to see what the reaction would be.
Gervase, wanna help?

Seamus


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:11 AM

I walked into the office one winter's morning wrapped up in overcoat, scarf and gloves. Colleague asks "are you cold?". "No" says I. She frowned and said "then why are you wearing...oh, what a dummy!".


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:16 AM

Just thinking what a thread for William SHATner. But then of course he did have a nasty attack of the Klingons!

Seamus, I'm sure that if Gervase can't help with your project there are plenty of others willing to help. The only problem I can foresee is gathering all the offending garments in one place for the big ( )hit. Almost amounts to biological warfare. Will Fedex play ball on shipping, and what is the description of goods and customs value?


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:28 AM

Did something close to it Seamus.
I used to cover Canada as part of my sales territory and it involved a lot of one night trips to Toronto and Montreal. A Customs Agent at the airport was suspicious about my frequent short trips and went through everything in my purse and overnight bag. I had stated on the Customs Form that I hadn't purchased anything in Canada to take back into the US.
So he rummages through my things and finds a small bag - I had bought a birthday card and mailed it from Canada. In the bag were my dirty undies. "AHHA!" he shouts. "I thought you said you didn't buy anything? What's in this bag?" "My soiled undies" I replied and he quickly put it all back in and sent me through.
Bet he washed his hands afterwards.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 01:12 PM

Love it, Sinsull – smugglers take note: the best place to hide your drugs/contraband is in a bag of dirty undies. (And if they're anything like Gervase's undies, surely even the poor sniffer dogs won't pick up the smell of the drugs?)


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 01:16 PM

No, but they may get the dogs more excited....


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: harpgirl
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 01:28 PM

well,well....Mr, Shriveled Buckeyes...I see the depression is over and the mania is firmly re-established! I hope it lasts all winter. We need it around here...But those s**t jokes are getting old, pal...have you got anything better?


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 01:37 PM

The shit jokes are old? Aw geeziz, what a bummer..............And I was about to jump on the Beethoven's Birthday thread and discuss his last movement.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 01:51 PM

Ha! I knew I made the right decision when I put that Beethoven thread below the BS line.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 01:58 PM

Shatner actually HAS a wonderful tale, not about shitting himself, but about being shat ON by an elephant! In Africa. Right outside his tent in the middle of the night. No kidding. If I get a lot of free time I will transcribe it here. That's IF....


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 02:04 PM

Make it a big IF please.............I fear any thoughts that such a tale would create such as........ How were they able to extricate Shatner from the elephant crap? How could they tell the difference?

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 02:18 PM

"Cling-ons" on the starboard bow!


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 02:30 PM

He extricated himself, Spaw! No one else (his wife included) would come near him. His wife also laughed very loud and long, which was a bit insensitive don't you think, considering his predicament...


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:07 PM

Come on, if you were standing in a field and your significant other suddenly found himself in the middle of an elephant turd... well, i'd laugh anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 07:39 PM

Laugh? I'd be feeding the elephant with prunes and beans!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 07:41 PM

The elephant shat directly on top of the Great Man's head! In the dark. I don't know if the elephant knew he was even there, but it scored a direct hit.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:15 PM

Was Shatner sleeping? If not, why didn't he get out from under the elephant's ass before it shit on him?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:25 PM

No Carol, I have a feeling that Billy-Boy was 3 sheets in the wind and had stuck his head up an elephant's ass all on his own. The rest of this was made up as a cover story to keep him from appearing to be a complete idiot.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:59 PM

Okay, people. You wanted it, you got it (sigh). At the risk of suffering carpal tunnel syndrome, I will type most of it out for you...

Ahem.

Several years back Mr Shatner and his wife and daughters and their husbands went on a trip to Botswana, to see the African veldt and photograph the wild animals. So far so good.

They flew by bush place to the vast open plain near the Okavongo River. They camped in the place where vast migrating herds of wildlife gather...and where they attract many carnivores...hence...

****************

"Please listen," our guides intoned, "this is a dangerous place!" We all smiled, raised our eyebrows, and nudged each other's ribs. "All day long we will be at your sides, and we will keep you from doing anything that might get you into trouble. But at night you're on your own. Once we set up camp for the evening you must stay inside your hut. If you do go outside...you might not make it back in. You might be a midnight snack for a lion, or a pack of hyenas, and if you do go outside and get into trouble...well, don't come calling for me. I'm not the crazy one, you are."

Suddenly the giggles and bravado weren't so prevalent. Ashen stares and open mouths took their place. As you might imagine, that evening, we all retired to our huts, closing the windows and doors quickly and securely, before jumping into bed and remaining as still and silent as possible.

Mabe half an hour later, Nerine and I were still vainly trying to sleep and not get eaten, when a foul, vaguely organic odor wafted our way.

"Eeeeew, take a Tums will you, please?" asked Nerine, who was currently poking at me, half-asleep.

"What? Huh? No, it's not..."

I heard a loud, half-snorting, half-grumbling sound.

"Hey, c'mon...you're snoring again, honey. Quit it," came the sleepily annoyed stage whisper.

"Uhhhh...that wasn't me."

"Well then stop making that stupid noise trying to scare me."

At that point a loud noise that can best be approximated with the spelling "BLEEEEEAHHHHHARRRRK!" literally shook the walls of the tent.

"BILL, quit it, right now. It's not funny!"

Y'see, normally, I would've taken a moment to assure Nerine that it wasn't me shaking the tent with my bleating. Normally, I would've reminded her to remain calm and silent. However, both of these options are a bit difficult to pull off when you can clearly make out the shape of an elephant's head as it presses lightly at the side of your tent.

I think the brave and heroic comment I made was something along the lines of "Uhrrrrghle...ummmmm...oh boy."

"Shoo him!" said the pillow next to me.

"Shoo him? Perhaps I could get him to fetch the paper while he's at it."

"Should we run?"

"NO! The guides said to stay put!"

"Yeah, but do you 'stay put' if an elephant's about to sit on you?"

"Good point."

Gingerly, I made my way to the window, and lifted a flap. One square foot of elephant covered it entirely. I moved down the side of the tent to the next window, opened it and was greeted by another square foot of elephant. I moved to the door now...unzipped it very slowly, very quietly, stuck my head outside, squinted into the darkness, and realized that I was currently standing between the elephant's hind legs.

My eyes widened. I opened my mouth to yell, but caught myself...just in time to hear the elephant bleat again...and crap on my head. I kid you not. Have you ever tried to remain "still and quiet" while an enormous pachyderm evacuated its bowels on your head? I'm guessing "no". Let me tell you, it ain't easy.

Imagine twenty gallons of mashed potatoes falling on your head at one time. Imagine the single stinkiest baby diaper you've ever encountered. Multiply that by three or four and you've got the idea. Imagine that as you stand there, horrified, the elephant sighs, lifts its head, and dances away, pausing just long enough to take one backward glance, and (I swear) laugh at the direct hit.

"Do you want to borrow a magazine?" I yelled.

Now imagine you're Nerine, still in bed, watching your hunky studly husband turn from the doorway, covered head to toe in Dumbo poop. You laugh, heartily, until it suddenly dawns on you that neither of us can leave this tent before sunrise, and the only running water is at the other side of the camp. I don't think I've ever watched a woman's broad smile turn into a look of utter horror quite that quickly.

******************


And there you have it. All quoted verbatim from William Shatner's book, "Get A Life". Sheesh. I am all Shatnered out now for the evening.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: GUEST,name withheld
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:05 PM

I'm a Mudcatter (almost said a regular Mudcatter) and embarrassed--but this hits too damn close to home. For medical reasons, the only way I'm at all regular is if every other day now I must use an artificial means of starting the flow. It can take 1 to 4 hours--and when it starts, I better be ready and near a commode. So giggle away good people.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Peace
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:08 PM

Nothin' to giggle about there, NW. I hope it isn't making your life miserable.

I hope too that you have a great holiday season.

Bruce M


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:13 PM

That would certainly not be pleasant, to say the least.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:57 PM

That Shatner story reminds me of a video on the animal channel. Some poor guy is doing his daily chores among the elephants - bathing, hosing, feeding. Somehow, just as he gets behind this huge elephant, it sits. You have to see the footage to believe it, He became a human suppository and it takes several people to extract him - embarrassed but unharmed.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:11 PM

There was a documented story not so long ago about a keeper who died curing his elephant of constipation. He fed her pills and such that didn't take and he kept on doing so until they all took effect at once as he was passing behind her, and the resultant avalanche of stored-up dung just drowned the fellow completely.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:50 PM

Amos, I believe we have finally come back full circle. I think the guy you described probably had his one bright and shining moment of true clarity amidst that shitstorm, realizing that even an elephant can be given to much milk of magnesia. Not that it did him any good of course, but I feel confident he died wrapped in the warmth of both the elephant crap and the mantle of truth.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: harpgirl
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:08 PM

I'm changing your name to Spew...look what you propigated, you old fart...


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:47 PM

Wow, Spaw!! I never looked at the mantle of truth in quite that way before!! Thanks!!


ROTFLMAO!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:48 PM

It takes a long time to get the smell of elephant shit out of your clothes.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 12:00 AM

How do you know that , Carol?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 12:12 AM

That was before we exported tomato juice, I am sure.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 03:52 AM

Nope... still doesn't beat Gervase... probably because I don't know that many elephants personally.

But I'd like to shake the trunk of the one that shat on Shatner....


LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 01:11 PM

When I was a zookeeper, I hitched a ride with some fellow keepers who neglected to tell me that the back part of the truck where I was going to be riding had just been relieved of a big load of elephant shit until after I'd gotten in and the truck was already moving. They nearly bust a gut laughing. Elephant keepers don't have much of a social life. Except with other elephant keepers maybe. Of course, my clothes perpetually stunk of fox and bobcat shit back then, so I didn't have much of a social life either (except with other zookeepers).


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 05:49 PM

Is there any other load of elephant shit other than big?

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 01:03 AM

Yeah Liz, I think it also comes in "Huge," Monstrous," and "Oh My GAWD."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 01:05 AM

Elephant shit is never inconsequential.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 10:46 AM

Well said, grasshopper.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 10:55 AM

Maybe the elephant thinks he only farted and ends up telling a story a little like Gervase's.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 11:00 AM

A happy childhood memory: Mom and Dad took us to the circus. The opening act was elephants and clowns. The clowns were tumbling onto the heads of the elephants, over their backs, and down their tails. You guessed it! One poor clown tumbled onto, across and over...into about 300 pounds of elephant droppings, slid a few feet, jumped up and gayly ran for the exit holding his nose.

Another happy memory: at the zoo, some teenagers were teasing a female elephant by pretending to have something for her to eat and then when she came over backing away with the treat. Amid their glee they failed to notice a large bull coming up behind with a huge turd in his trunk. He flung it at the bars, it splattered into a shower of shit and the tormentors were covered in elephant dung while the bull trumpeted a victory call. I love elephants.

Of course a similar fate befell my Aunt Pat who ran out of peanuts and decided to give a ripe banana to a willing elephant. The elephant was not pleased, removed the nasty slop with her trunk and flung it at the bars. There stood Aunt Pat covered in partially masticated banana.

Now of course there are signs everywhere "Don't feed the elephants".


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Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 08:34 PM

Primates are often accused of pitching turds at people. I ain't sayin' it's never happened, I am just sayin' that it's a cultural stereotype that I am sick of hearin' about. If you got locked up in a cage and ogled at day after day by local rubes and yahoos, you might do something similar.

- Chongo


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