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BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
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Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:05 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'The First Joke is that I'm ahead of the rest of you! Prev thread |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:39 AM Could you gibe me a lift? Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Dave Hanson Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:45 AM A reporter asked Noel Coward to " say something amusing " He replied " Australia " eric |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Flash Company Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:56 AM He also said 'I come to Bury St Edmunds, not to praise him!' FC |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 31 Dec 04 - 10:13 AM "Some Really Good Questions" 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?' 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice?" How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? 10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" 11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving! 16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Dharmabum Date: 31 Dec 04 - 03:02 PM An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce." About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound." D.B |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 31 Dec 04 - 05:50 PM 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? layer thickness, light reflection within the bubbles and so on ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bobert Date: 31 Dec 04 - 05:55 PM Why did Bush cross the road? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 31 Dec 04 - 06:43 PM Because the Americans elected him again (joke intended)? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 01 Jan 05 - 06:48 PM I went to a seafood disco on New Years Eve and pulled a mussel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Peace Date: 02 Jan 05 - 01:11 PM You are so fulla beans. Stayed home an pulled a muscle is more like it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,wings Date: 02 Jan 05 - 04:21 PM Ah...humans, so entertaining. "Man is the only creature where if you tell them that there are billions of stars in the sky he will believe you, but if you tell him a bench is wet with paint, he has to touch it to be sure." Unknown |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Jan 05 - 04:23 PM GUEST, Wings: I don't know for sure, but that sure sounds like Mark Twain's style! Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Jan 05 - 05:59 PM "His & Hers New Year's Resolutions & Goals" The Basic Difference: His (Y) / Hers (X) X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend) X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing X: Get organized/clean house Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother) X: Buy new Daily Planner Y: Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture X: Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance Y: Score with tall, long-legged Blonde in Finance X: Read More / Less TV Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!! X: Watch quality TV with positive messages Y: When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER X: Plan budget / Save more money Y: Only three nights at topless bar per week |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 02 Jan 05 - 07:40 PM --Knock, knock. --Who's there? --Control Freak. Now you say, "Control Freak who?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 02 Jan 05 - 08:17 PM A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint. Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says he is parched and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Daaaaaaaaaaamn...How much water did you drink?!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Jan 05 - 07:41 PM "A letter to the Tide Company" Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives came by yesterday, they told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... (Signed) A Relieved Menopausal Wife |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 03 Jan 05 - 07:59 PM A fellow who worked for the Post Office had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God." He thought, "Oh boy, I'd better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all his coworkers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the widow. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: tarheel Date: 03 Jan 05 - 11:49 PM old timer explaining his feelings about his age! i feel like a new born baby!!!! no teeth,no hair and i think i just peed in my britches! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Shanghaiceltic Date: 04 Jan 05 - 12:45 AM John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:44 AM A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:46 AM A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its little nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:57 AM Why did the Chicken cross the road? JOHN KERRY The chicken intentionally mislead us into letting it cross the road. I actually did vote for the chicken to cross the road, before I voted against it. The chicken should have given the UN more time to inspect the other side of the road before pre-emptively crossing it. I will make sure that the chicken does not have to bear the full burden of this unwarranted road crossing alone by enlisting the help of other chickens like France and Germany. GEORGE W BUSH It does not matter why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either for us, or against us. Evildoer chickens will be hunted down on both sides of the road and anyone found harboring these chickens would be plucked. DAN RATHER An undisclosed but reliable capon has given me unverifiable documents that prove that the chicken got preferential treatment and was allowed to cross the road to avoid crossing the highway, and that the chicken went AWOL and did not satisfactorily complete its road crossing. While I don't know which side of the road these documents came from and agree they are probably chicken scratch, I still believe the information in them is true and you should trust me because I'm Dan Rather and you're not. HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been given access to the other side of the road. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on this side of the road has been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV crushed it. PAT BUCHANAN To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to do it. I'll bet some chicken-hugging liberal out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome and wants taxpayers to foot the bill. MARTHA STEWART No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability. CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity and attraction to poultry. BILL GATES I have just witnessed eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. The answer depends on your definition of chicken. HILLARY CLINTON Even though I am the smartest woman in the world and know all there is to know about everything, I do not know anything about any chicken including the one allegedly found in my residence. AL GORE I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Nick Date: 04 Jan 05 - 10:09 AM "We call our grandfather Spiderman" "Is he very active and agile then?" "No, it's because he can't get out of the bath" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 05 - 04:06 PM So, Jerry, how's your music career going? Great, it's on the skids. You're happy about that? You bet! This time last month, it was down the toilet. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 05 - 04:38 PM A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he notices a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" --------------------------------------------------------- A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!" "My gosh, doctor! What are you going to do?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door." ------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 05 - 05:24 PM for brucie: "The farmer finally made it big and decided to build a fine new house on the old family homestead. When the architect was plotting out the building site, the farmer told him, "Now, I don't want you disturbing that tree over there." "Really?" asked the architect, "Why not?" The farmer smiled shyly, "Well, because it was right under that there tree that I had my first experience with sex." "How sentimental," said the architect. "And don't disturb that tree over there, either," the farmer went on. "Really?" asked the architect again. "Why not?" "Because that's where her mother stood watching us." "She watched?" cried the incredulous architect. "What did her mother say?" "Baaaaaa!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Peace Date: 05 Jan 05 - 05:27 PM LOL Never heard it told so well, Bill. Good on yer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 05 - 06:37 PM It's a crazy world.... Quote from Chris Rock: "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy n the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 05 - 06:56 PM Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Biskit Date: 05 Jan 05 - 08:17 PM Bubba and BillyjoeBob were down to the fishin' cabin drinkin' beer, Bubba leans over and says hey BillyjoeBob, If'n I was to sneak over to your house when you was outta town and make love to your wife and she got pregnant, when she had that young'n would thet make us kin? BillyjoeBob thinks about it for a little bit and says; no Bubba,..but it'd dang sure make us even.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 05 - 08:35 PM Modern Housewife's Poem: I don't wanna do the dishes, I don't wanna do the wash, I sprinkled clothes a week ago And now my iron is lost! I don't wanna clean the pots, I don't wanna rattle pans, I wanna read my e-mail, And chat with all my friends! The table needs some dusting and the floor could sure be mopped, But I know if I get started There'll be no place to stop. The closets are so full Things are falling off the shelves, I wish for cleaning fairies And magic laundry elves! They could sprinkle fairy dust And twitch their little nose, And the windows would be sparkling And I'd have no dirty clothes. I don't know what I'm saying, My head is in the sky, I must cook that meat that's graying And bake that apple pie! My husband needs a flea bath, The dogs need some attention Oh, the other way around I mean! My brain is in suspension! I am running round in circles, I am getting nothing done, I keep thinking of the internet, I'm missing all the fun! I know I'm not addicted Though I hear that all the time. But I guess this stuff will have to wait, 'Cause today I'll be ONLINE! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:17 AM 25 SIGNS THAT, SADLY, YOU'VE GROWN UP: > 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer"pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25.You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:20 AM An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady answers, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 06 Jan 05 - 01:08 AM I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. So what do I feed it? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:29 PM This ugly lady (and she was UGLY) went to see her physician (who was Chinese) to determine why she was so ugly and if there was anything she could do about it. The doctor said,"Undress, get down on froor, crawl to door, turn around and crawl back." Puzzled, but willing to try anything, she complied. When she had crawled back, the doctor said, "You dress now. I know what probrem is. Afraid nothing can be done for you. You have Zachary disease." "What on earth is THAT?!" she asked. The doctor said, simply, "Face rook zachary rike ass! Ha-ha-Ha-Ha!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: JennyO Date: 06 Jan 05 - 09:04 PM An oldie but a goodie! A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says - "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that s.h.i.t." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: belter Date: 07 Jan 05 - 05:46 PM An Engineer is waring a knit kneck tie. He pulls on the tie and says "Poisson's ratio" If you don't get it, Poisson's ratio n is the ratio of transverse contraction strain to longitudinal extension strain in the direction of stretching force. Tensile deformation is considered positive and compressive deformation is considered negative. The definition of Poisson's ratio contains a minus sign so that normal materials have a positive ratio. n = - etrans / elongitudinal If you still don't get it, your normal. Otherwise your a geek. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: freda underhill Date: 07 Jan 05 - 09:33 PM A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that s.h.i.t." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 07 Jan 05 - 11:44 PM QUOTE An Engineer is waring a knit kneck tie. He pulls on the tie and says "Poisson's ratio" UNQUOTE Now I'm worried.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: JennyO Date: 08 Jan 05 - 12:11 PM Freda, you read Billy's Merry Muse newsletter too.... (have a look at my post two above yours) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 08 Jan 05 - 12:47 PM (This didn't happen to me; I just received it in e-mail) Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die... My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge (the balance had originally been $0.00 and now was somewhere around $60.00). I placed the following phone call to CitiBank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections" CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" CitiBank:"...excuse me?..." Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?" CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" CitiBank: ".....(stammer).... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her nephew." (followed by lawyer info given) CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." (fax number exchanged) (after they get the fax) CitiBank: "Our system just isn't set up for death" Me: "Oh." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help." Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose... I don't really think she will care...." CitiBank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help." (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given) CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "Yep. What do you do with dead people on your planet? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Mrrzy Date: 08 Jan 05 - 09:11 PM LOL! I can believe it! So, who's gonna walk into the bar first? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: HuwG Date: 11 Jan 05 - 02:31 AM An english tourist is driving around Scotland. He is lost, and stops the car at the first pub he sees and walks in. He says to the publican, "I say, Jock ! What's the quickest way to get to Edinburgh ?" The landlord pauses in the act of cleaning a glass and says, "Are you driving or walking ?" "I'm driving, of course !" "Aye, well that's the quickest way, right enough." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Folkiedave Date: 11 Jan 05 - 05:29 PM Knock Knock Joke in French. Frappe frappe. Qui est la? Lors Lors Qui? Oui, c'est vrai! Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Jan 05 - 09:15 PM A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Paranoid Android Date: 13 Jan 05 - 12:09 PM (I probably picked this one up from Mudcat) Father Murphy, a missionary, was the only white man within a thousand miles of Ambungu when the chief's daughter gave birth to a white baby. The medicine man accused Father Murphy of misbehavior but was told "Don't jump to conclusions, it's simply a genetic abberation". When the medicine man failed to understand this Father Murphy took him up the hill and pointed towards a herd of sheep below saying, "Look at all of those white sheep and theres a single black one in the middle". The medicine man replied "You don't mention the sheep to anybody and I won't mention the baby". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 13 Jan 05 - 12:33 PM This isnt really a joke but a funy thought I had. I have had alot of deaf friends in my life and they like my hearing friends often use me as a sounding board when they are ticked off at somebody. So if my hearing friends are bitching my ears off does that mean that my deaf friends are bitching my eyes off? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Jan 05 - 01:36 PM Folkiedave, explique, s'il te plait! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Tannywheeler Date: 14 Jan 05 - 12:56 PM Fooles darlin', if God ever asks me what some of my favorite things in life have been, crossing paths with you will be on the list. If he asks me about complaints, it'll be that I didn't do it sooner. Let's get with the French Lesson and see if we can explain Dave's joke into the ground. This is such a fun thread -- and I don't even need cheering up. Tw |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Folkiedave Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:10 PM Translation/Explanation for Mrrzy........ Knock knock, Who's there? Lors Lors Qui? This follows the usual pattern of knock knock jokes but when pronounced in French is supposed to sound like "Lost key". Oui c'est vrai. Translated this means "Yes that's correct", and thus provides an explanation for the knocking on the door in line one. My favourite knock knock joke is Knock knock - Who's there? Biggish - Biggish who? Not thanks I've already given. Best regards, Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:24 PM Thanks for the explanation, Dave. I was baffled, too. Turns out it's not really a French joke but a bilingual one. That last joke depends on people knowing what The Big Issue is, and I'm afraid most people in North America won't. My favorite joke of this genre (sort of) and the only other 3-line one I know: "Knock" "Who's there?" "Opportunity" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:25 PM Lors Qui? This follows the usual pattern of knock knock jokes but when pronounced in French is supposed to sound like "Lost key". You need quite a lot of imagination to transform the French pronounced "Lors Qui" to the English pronounced "Lost key". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: frogprince Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:40 PM A nearby chuch has a little old sign in the Sunday School area; kitchy thing of letters in glitter glued on dark tagboard. "FEAR KNOCKED; FAITH ANSWERED; NO ONE WAS HOME" Now I can see where the first two phrases form a gentle little "spiritual" thought. But what the heck does the "no one was home" imply? I kinda wonder if it implies a bit of cynacism on the part of whoever made up the sign; was he really thinking, "I'll see what people will buy, without really thinking, if it sounds vaguely religious"? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: DMcG Date: 14 Jan 05 - 03:00 PM You need quite a lot of imagination to transform the French pronounced "Lors Qui" to the English pronounced "Lost key". Not really - you just need a French accent as bad as mine. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Folkiedave Date: 14 Jan 05 - 04:36 PM Or mine!! Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Georgiansilver Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:07 PM Lady Margaretta Smith decided to go on an African Safari but refused flatly to leave her pet poodle behind. Whilst in the wildest area of Africa, the poodle started chasing butterflies and promptly got lost. The poodle spotted (excuse the pun) a leopard coming towards it and decided not to run but to try a bluff. It pretended it was eating some bones which lay on the ground and just as the leopard was within hearing distance said " That leopard was delicious but I am still hungry so I had better find another".......the leopard slunk quietly away. A monkey who had witnessed the whole proceedings, followed the leopard for about a mile and told it the truth of what had happened. The monkey climbed onto the leopards back and they set off towards the spot where they had seen the poodle. The poodle spotted them coming and again turned away, pretending to eat the bones...but just as the leopard and the monkey came within earshot..the poodle said "Where is that flaming monkey I sent to find me another leopard"????? Best wishes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 15 Jan 05 - 06:16 PM Georgiansilver, I told almost the same joke on the 2nd of Jan. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 15 Jan 05 - 06:35 PM The secret of my success Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge." "Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained. "Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Jan 05 - 07:18 PM Subject: INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2005 For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace 2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW! 9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 17 Jan 05 - 03:12 AM 10. after the merger of Microsoft and MacDonalds, the old BigMac will be replaced by a MicroMac ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Amos Date: 17 Jan 05 - 09:43 AM Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. ============================================================================ Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ============================================================================ "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ============================================================================ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!" ============================================================================ O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." ============================================================================ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ============================================================================ A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ============================================================================ There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ============================================================================ Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." ============================================================================ A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ============================================================================ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ============================================================================ One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ============================================================================ AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST: ============================================================================ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land." ============================================================================ While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Sooz Date: 17 Jan 05 - 12:37 PM A teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A wisemouth at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and says sweetly "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your OTHER hand." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:16 AM P: Doctor, Doctor! I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home"! D: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. P: Is it common? D: It's not unusual... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Unc Date: 19 Jan 05 - 01:36 PM |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO Date: 19 Jan 05 - 01:37 PM I don't git it. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 19 Jan 05 - 02:37 PM Uncle Dave, "It's not unusual" is another song by Tom Jones |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: sue exhull Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:48 PM Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 p. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butchers shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't you worry, just follow me." He went into the Pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey. Shamus said, "Now you've really lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in ? We don't have any money!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" and they downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth". The Barman noticed them , went berserk and through the both of them out. They continued this, Pub after Pub, getting more and more drunk and all for free. At the tenth Pub, Shamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. Me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third Pub." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Georgiansilver Date: 19 Jan 05 - 05:01 PM 69 |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 19 Jan 05 - 05:41 PM The Fooles are well known for their subtlety, Uncle DaveO .... They always ASS-U-ME that their audience are extremely well educated.... :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 19 Jan 05 - 08:55 PM A few days after 82 year old Morris had his latest physical, his physician saw him strolling down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Must be his daughter", thought the doc. "I'll just say hello and maybe get an introduction...." Up he spoke, "You look like you're really doing alright today, Morris." "Yep," Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: `Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." "I never said that," the doctor corrected him. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 20 Jan 05 - 08:47 AM The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "Your son seems to be causing you to constantly stay far too upset and worried all the time. I'm going to prescribe some tranquilizers and I want you to take them regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes" the mother answered. "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?" she replied. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 21 Jan 05 - 07:07 AM P: Doctor, Doctor! An Alsatian bit me on the finger! D: Which one? P: I don't know! All Alsatians look the same to me! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Jan 05 - 09:49 PM Darwin Awards 2004 Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are: Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.) Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.) Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized. Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.) Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.) Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 22 Jan 05 - 08:49 AM The guy jumping thru the window was on Myth Busters the other week here.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Doctor, Doctor! I have a cricket ball stuck up my behind! D: How's that? P: Don't you start! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 22 Jan 05 - 12:11 PM Q. What do you call two thousand mockingbirds in the metric system? (Answer will be given after a suitable interval.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Jan 05 - 04:42 PM "Third Wish" A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 22 Jan 05 - 06:26 PM (A suitable interval having expired...) A. Two kilomockingbirds! (of course!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Peace Date: 22 Jan 05 - 06:31 PM Jim, Jim, Jim, |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 23 Jan 05 - 01:16 PM And 1,000,000,000,000 microphones equals... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 23 Jan 05 - 01:51 PM 1 megaphone. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Amos Date: 24 Jan 05 - 12:10 PM One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to think about something. It's called the Three Tests." "Three Tests?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to think what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary ...". "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?". The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "There is still the third test - the test of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 24 Jan 05 - 04:41 PM In the medical school the professor lectures about mongoloids and their handicaps: Sure they are of a very limited intellectual and mental state they are not useless throughout. Fortunately they are quite able to perform simple manual labours, e.g.? ..." Voice in the background: "Surgeons?" (No harm intended. My life was saved by surgeons of the US Medical Corps) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 26 Jan 05 - 12:33 PM Why does a rooster wear it's underware on it's head ? To cover up his pecker. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO Date: 27 Jan 05 - 09:48 AM "Dinner With the Baby Sitter" Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!" ------- "Little Johnny After Church" After a church service, Little Johnny told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had." ------- "Grandma's Visit" Little Johnny's grandmother dropped by Johnny's house for the first. When she rang the door bell, three year old Little Johnny answered the door. Johnny's Grandmother said to Little Johnny, "Hi there, you must be Johnny. I'm your grandmother on your daddy's side." Johnny answered, "Wow, did you pick the wrong side?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Jan 05 - 12:24 PM Subject: The Year 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Jan 05 - 09:40 PM A cowgirl, who is visiting Arkansas from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but want to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: susu Date: 27 Jan 05 - 09:49 PM Why don't Baptist's believe in premarital sex?...... It leads to dancing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 28 Jan 05 - 06:49 AM Not exactly a joke, not exactly folk, but has to do with music and it made me laugh: We are the Champignons ;-) (flash plugin needed) or if you like it more classical: La donna mobile (also needs flash plugin) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 28 Jan 05 - 09:38 AM That's the cruel truth! I always suspected a man trying to play the tin whistle has a queer taste in musics. Nevertheless: I laughed a lot. Thank you, MudGuard, for the funny links. By the way - end of June this year my home town's German-Irish Society will perform a workshop for tin whistle. An Irish teacher will be flown in. It will be on a Saturday, about € 40,-. If you wish to participate there with me you are kindly invited to stay in my house (free town tour added). Wilfried |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Naemanson Date: 29 Jan 05 - 03:11 AM Chicken and road comment: In Guam there are chickens all over the place so you frequently see them crossing the road, sometimes at a dead run to avoid the oncoming cars. During my daughter's recent visit we got great fun out of exclaiming "Why DOES the chicken cross the road?" Of course, every once in a while you see one that didn't make it... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Raggytash Date: 29 Jan 05 - 04:03 AM And the joke is? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 29 Jan 05 - 04:10 AM I always suspected a man trying to play the tin whistle has a queer taste in musics. [...] my home town's German-Irish Society will perform a workshop for tin whistle. [...] If you wish to participate there with me So Wilfried, you admit to having a queer taste in musics ;-) Thanks for the invitation, will think about it ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 29 Jan 05 - 07:38 AM MudGuard - Yes, Your Honour, guilty ... Next one about chickens crossing the road: When there were more than 100 automobiles in Frankfurt/Main, such kind of cars weren't still known in the remote mountains of my home country. Once a tourist in an automobile drove through a small village and ran over a chicken just crossing the road. He stopped and carried the avine corpse to the farm where he had seen the chicken come out. "Sorry, dear man," he told the farmer, "I just ran over your chicken and I want to pay for it." "That isn't our chicken" the peasant answered. "But I saw it just coming out of your farm, and I want to pay for it!" "No, it can't be one of our chickens. Such flat chickens we don't have over here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 29 Jan 05 - 10:39 AM "The Atheist" A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: catlova Date: 31 Jan 05 - 06:49 AM What will happen when the Giant Pandas take over the world? Global pandemonium. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Naemanson Date: 31 Jan 05 - 07:03 AM The chicken/road coment wasn't intended to be a joke. It was just a comment and a great deal of fun out of an old joke. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Leadfingers Date: 31 Jan 05 - 08:49 AM Why did the Pervert cross the road ? He coudnt get his prick out of the chicken ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 31 Jan 05 - 10:01 AM A traveling salesman happened by a farm, and saw some children playing in the front yard. He asked the oldest-looking one where his Papa was, and the boy answered, Out back, see, there he goes now. And the salesman looks over to see a man run up to a sheep and screw it. Startled, the salesman asked the boy, doesn't your Mother mind? And the boy answered... ...Naaaaaaaaaaaah! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Mooh Date: 31 Jan 05 - 03:30 PM Hello, this isn't Mooh but his daughter Sal, have fun with this: The Evil Overlord List Highlights: 1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." 12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. 74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. Cheers! ~Sally Limones |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 02 Feb 05 - 02:26 PM And it's a music one! Three notes walk into a bar, a C, an E-flat and a G. The bartender looks up and says he doesn't serve minors. So the E-flat leaves, and the C and G have a fifth between them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: saulgoldie Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:44 PM All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Feb 05 - 04:21 PM "Stop Sign" A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bert Date: 02 Feb 05 - 08:04 PM Talking of bumpy landings. After a particularly bad one at DFW the pilot announced. "We are required to do a landing like that every so often to test our landing gear" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: freda underhill Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:05 AM A woman receives a fax from her husband: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed as I shall be home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michel my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:55 AM A little brain teaser for you today: A father and his son were in a horrible car accident. The father went to a hospital and his son went to another hospital 50 miles away. When it came time to operate on the man's son the surgeon said, "I cannot operate on this man because he is my son." How is this possible? / \ / \ / \ / \ scroll down to see the answer / \ / \ / \ / \ ...The surgeon is his mother. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:33 AM Wow Dave ...... that's truly erudite and yes I am being facetious |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: sue exhull Date: 04 Feb 05 - 05:52 PM Whats the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating the taxman? When you get caught the taxman still wants to screw you |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 05 Feb 05 - 02:52 AM Bubba and Earl decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize: a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and pasta. Bubba won 6th prize: a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize. Earl smiled and said, "Just great! Me and Earline love spaghetti! And Buford, our hound, polishes off the leftovers ever' time. Say, Bubba, How's that there toilet brush workin' out for you?" "I don't like it so good," replied Bubba "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 05 Feb 05 - 07:27 PM Russian Joke: In event of nuclear war, please collect your shroud and gather at the cemetery. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Feb 05 - 10:22 AM "Going to School" Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school." "But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the Principal." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: wysiwyg Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:12 PM SNAKES, SNAKES, SNAKES: Tired of that boring worship service? Give your "Children's Moment" an extra boost by introducing them to Mark 16:18 "...They will pick up snakes with their hands..." These 12" squirmers look like rattlesnakes, but are actually Hognose Vipers with false rattles applied with surgical glue . Completely harmless! Only YOU will know the difference! One Dozen Snakes only $39.95. Guaranteed LIVE and WIGGLY! Snakes-R-Us A.R.T.S. (Alternative Religious Theater Supply, Inc.) Box 1287 Knoxville, TN 1-800-SERPENT Visa and MasterCard accepted |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: wysiwyg Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:17 PM FOR SALE: The Olyhay Iblebay — Rare 18th Century Pig Latin Bible Edition. $35. S-89. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bert Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:40 PM Hey WYSYLUV, did you ever hear that CD of Gregorian Chants in Pig Latin? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: wysiwyg Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM I don't think it would be kosher. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: wysiwyg Date: 08 Feb 05 - 12:09 AM FOR SALE: St. Lucy's eyebrows. Kept for hundreds of years in a silver case. This is the REAL THING. Just the right gift for that relic hunter on your shopping list. Only three left! HURRY! A-1936 |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Feb 05 - 09:15 AM "How To Pay Your Tax Bill" Dear IRS, Enclosed is my 2004 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Susu's Hubby Date: 08 Feb 05 - 10:29 AM For Sale: One french WWII military rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 08 Feb 05 - 11:41 AM This was emailed to me today, and I was going to post it but I see it was already posted in March, 2003: New element discovered: Governmentium. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Susu's Hubby Date: 08 Feb 05 - 06:17 PM The was a man who was building his own house. He was a perfectionist and figured eveything out to the last penny and piece of material. He let nothing go to waste. One day, he called the bricklayer and told him that he needed only 999 bricks to complete his house. The bricklayer told him that the bricks only came in bundles of 1000. The man became irate and demanded that only 999 bricks be delivered to his home. The bricklayer agreed to send only 999 bricks. Once the phone was hung up, the bricklayer told his guys to go ahead and deliver the bundle of 1000. Upon delivery, the home owner became so irate that he picked up one brick and threw it as high as he could into the air. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Susu's Hubby Date: 08 Feb 05 - 06:51 PM In an old folks home, an old man and an old woman would sit together in the TV room. The old lady would put her hand in the old man's lap and hold his pecker. This went on for a few weeks until one night the old man didn't show up. Fearing the worst, the old lady went to look for the old man. She found him in the next building sitting with another old lady in the TV room, and she too, was holding his pecker. The old lady was shocked and stammered, "What does she have that I don't?" The old man winked, smiled and then replied, "Parkinson's!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Susu's Hubby Date: 08 Feb 05 - 07:03 PM On a long flight from Miami to San Francisco, a lady sat with her poodle right beside her. Right behind her sat a huge fat guy just continuously puffing on a huge, smelly cigar. The lady turned to the man and politely asked, "Sir, would you mind putting out your cigar? You're bothering my dog and me." The fat man replied, "I bought and paid for my ticket and I'm going to smoke my cigar." About thirty minutes later the lady turned and said, "Sir, I demand that you put out your cigar. You're making both my dog and me very ill." The fat man smiled and said, "Listen lady...I told you that I bought and paid for my ticket and I'll smoke as long as I want to." Thirty more minutes passed and the lady suddenly gets up, grabs the cigar, opens a window and tosses the cigar out then returns to her seat. After the man gets out of his seat, he leans over, picks up the dog, opens his window and throws the dog out. The lady freaks out and presses her face against the window. To her amazement, she sees her poodle standing on the wing of the plane. Do you know what he had in his mouth? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > .......the brick. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: breezy Date: 09 Feb 05 - 06:22 PM yes I laughed thank you all for the time and effort. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:40 AM BEWARE! Here are the winnners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning label of the year: 1st prize Do not use for personal hygiene - on a toilet brush 2nd prize This product moves when used - from a child's scooter Previous winners have included: * Remove child before folding - on a baby's buggy * Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally - on a digital thermometer * Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating - on an electric hand blender * Harmful if swallowed - on a three-pronged brass fishing lure. * Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device - on a bag of air used as a packing material * Do not use as a ladder - on a 30cm tall CD rack * Never iron clothes while they are being worn - on a household iron * Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire - on a smoke detector * Do not eat toner - on a laser printer cartridge * And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards - Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. New Scientist's Feedback regularly publishes absurd product warnings, and other funny real-life tales. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 10 Feb 05 - 03:44 AM Two little old ladies are at a very long church service. After a while, one whispers to the other, "My backside has fallen asleep." Her friend responds, "Yes, I know. I've heard it snore three times now." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 10 Feb 05 - 02:41 PM Susu's Hubby: Forgive my ignorance. I don't get it. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: jonm Date: 10 Feb 05 - 02:55 PM Uncle DaveO, it's that little "d" in the topic listing. If you read the last ten or so posts in chronological order, you may find out. Confused me too. Not difficult. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Naemanson Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:16 PM Received in an email from a friend. What my mother taught me 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19 My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: HuwG Date: 11 Feb 05 - 10:40 AM A true version of Uncle DaveO'spost to this thread on How to pay your Tax Bill. In the 1960's and 1970's my father worked for a time at Yorkshire Impreial Metals, a steelworks and foundry in Leeds (West Yorkshire, UK). The firm maintained a transport depot in the nearby town of Brighouse. The state and availability of the toilets and other other conveniences at the Brighouse depot were the subject of endless correspondence between Yorkshire Imperial's management, the local authority, the Transport and General Workers' Union, the Public Health Inspectorate and several other parties. This correspondence filled several box binders which were known collectively as "The Brighouse Sh*thouse File" The two letters at the top of the latest box file (and which must surely have been a spoof or an April Fool by somebody read: "Dear Sir In view of the present deadlock in discussions between all parties, we have decided to close the conveniences until further notice. To this end, please find enclosed: One Yale padlock; One hasp (brass); Four screws (brass); Two keys;" The reply read: "Dear Sir I regret to inform you that I am unable to comply with the instructions in your last letter. In your next correspondence, please include: One door, 7'1" x 3'4"; Two sets hinges (including fastening plates and necessary screws)." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Feb 05 - 02:44 AM Elementary bible school tests Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling capitalisation and punctuation has been left in 1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off. 2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears. 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. 4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah. 6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles. 7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the commandments. 9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol. 12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Feb 05 - 05:15 PM "Why Men Can't Win" If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob. If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful. If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious. If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM "I always carry some spirits, purely for the treatment of snake bite. I also keep a snake handy." W.C. Fields |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:27 AM Repairing a small church a joiner is hammering along with the pews when he hits his thumb. He is swearing loudly: "Goddam-heaven-cross-bloody-sacrament-confound-it!" The parson admonishes him: "Dear son, must you swear so blasphemously in The Lord's own house? Can't you say like any decent godfearing Christian: SHIT?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Feb 05 - 06:13 PM "Golf Injury" On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly." The doctor then began listing orders: "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well." The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: LuteMonkey Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:03 PM Three partially deaf Englishmen are on a drive one Sunday. One says, "Is This Wembley?" The other, "It's Thursday." The third, "Me too. Let's stop for a pint." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Donuel Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:15 PM personal anecdote: the Blue hand When my back bothered me I would place my hand in the small of my back for support and comfort. Gradually my hand turned a pale blue. After a nice hot shower it would turn a deep blue. I had no discomfort but still I was concerned. I went to the doctor for chronic migraines. I had to yell to get a specialist referral since the doctor's HMO would subtract bonus points for each he made referral. In the office he noticed my blue hand and suddenly I had cardiac referrals up the wazoo tests, questions, everything but relief from migraine pain. It is not politically correct to treat debilitating pain. At home I discovered the etiology of the blue hand syndrome It was from an Indonesian shirt I got at K mart. Now that I knew I had great sport rubbing it on my face and both hands. People from India seemed to take the most notice. In true Brahman fashion I would ask various clerks if it was cold despite the fact it was August. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Donuel Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:13 PM http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/heros.jpg |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 15 Feb 05 - 01:38 PM A little boy is selling kittens from a box. George W. Bush walks by and the little boy says, Hey mister, wanna buy a kitten? They're Republicans! GW is so tickled by this that the following week when he's in that same neighborhood with some of the House representatives, he says, Check this kid out. Just then the little boy says, Hey mister, wanna buy a kitten? They're Democrats! GW is confused and asks, well, last time didn't you say they were Republicans? Sure, said the little boy, but in the meantime, they've opened their eyes! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Feb 05 - 11:46 AM "The Year's Best Actual Headlines Of 2004" (With a conservative reader's comments) Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!] Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ['nuff said!] |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: JennyO Date: 16 Feb 05 - 09:21 PM A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down...... 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy..... Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Naemanson Date: 16 Feb 05 - 11:32 PM A minister decides the church needs to be painted so he goes to the paint store only to realize the church maintenance fund will not allow him to buy enough paint. So he buys what he can and waters it down to make it cover the whole building. Just as he finishes the job a tremendous rainstorm hits the building and all the new paint is washed away. As he stands there watching the paint run down the walls and on to the street he hears a deep voice from the heavens that says, Repaint, and thin no more! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 17 Feb 05 - 12:24 AM A little old lady was running up and down the halls at the nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and yell, "Supersex!" She bumped into an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping up her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!" He answered, "I'll take the soup." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO Date: 17 Feb 05 - 10:00 AM "Fidel in Heaven" Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 18 Feb 05 - 01:15 AM An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution... "By the way, you don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table, and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her she was wasting too much time and should try carrying several things at once." "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Sleepless Dad Date: 24 Feb 05 - 09:29 AM A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: freda underhill Date: 25 Feb 05 - 05:44 AM June 20, 2004 Poker With Dick Cheney Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM. The Editors: We'll take three cards. Dick Cheney: Give me one. Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars. TE: Fifty bucks. DC: I'm in. Show 'em. TE: Two pair, sevens and fives. DC: Not good enough. TE: What do you have? DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up. TE: Can you show us your cards? DC: Sure. One of them's a six. TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played. Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house. Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book. TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot. Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black? Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE**** *****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT***** The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ... TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is? DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed. TE: We aren't sure ... DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush. Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair. TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush. Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans. MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE**** *****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT***** A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ... TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing. Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot. Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight. Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker. TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight". Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world. Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding? Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do. MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE**** *****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT***** Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ... Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats. William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse? Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this. Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear? Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight". DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected. George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you. Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings. DC: My deal. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 17 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM For the benefit of continuity here is Second Joke Thread for 2005 |
