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ADD: Satirical recitations by Les Barker

DigiTrad:
BELLE'S BONNIE BOGIE
CUTTY WREN
EVERYTHING GLOWS
GLORIOUS ICE
GOD MOVES OVER THE WATER
HARD CHEESE OF OLD ENGLAND
I DON'T LIKE MY BOOMERANG
ROSEVILLE FAIR (Banjo Parody)
TRAINS OF WATERLOO
VAN GOGH


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Joe Offer 14 Feb 03 - 11:30 AM
Jim Dixon 20 Jan 05 - 01:02 AM
Jim Dixon 20 Jan 05 - 01:05 AM
Wolfgang 20 Jan 05 - 08:10 AM
Leadfingers 20 Jan 05 - 10:13 AM
Jim Dixon 20 Jan 05 - 11:15 AM
Gurney 21 Jan 05 - 01:37 AM
Teresa 21 Jan 05 - 01:52 AM
Liz the Squeak 21 Jan 05 - 03:09 AM
Teresa 21 Jan 05 - 02:51 PM
GUEST,feazo 06 Jul 16 - 09:04 PM
Joe Offer 23 Aug 21 - 05:07 PM
Joe Offer 19 Sep 22 - 07:30 PM
MoorleyMan 19 Sep 22 - 07:46 PM
BobL 20 Sep 22 - 02:47 AM
GeoffLawes 20 Sep 22 - 04:30 AM
Joe Offer 20 Jan 23 - 10:00 PM
Joe Offer 20 Jan 23 - 10:17 PM
Joe Offer 20 Jan 23 - 10:19 PM
Joe Offer 20 Jan 23 - 10:23 PM
Joe Offer 20 Jan 23 - 10:25 PM
Joe Offer 20 Jan 23 - 10:31 PM
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Subject: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Joe Offer
Date: 14 Feb 03 - 11:30 AM

I'm going to use this thread as an index of Les Barker songs posted at Mudcat, but not included in the crosslinks above. If you post links below, I'll include them in this list and delete your post.

Les Barker songs and Poems


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE CIVILISED WORLD (Les Barker)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 01:02 AM

Transcribed from the sound file at
http://www.mrsackroyd.com/thecivilisedworld.mp3

THE CIVILISED WORLD
Les Barker

How goes the war on terror, George? Is al-Qaeda under control?
Does the world know peace, freedom and justice? I think I'd say no, on the whole.

In the days after 9/11, the goodwill of the world was yours.
I might have opened a dialogue. I might have pondered the cause.

I might have considered the issues, asked what the solutions might be.
Beatin' the crap out of everybody never occurred to me.

But justice had to be done. George, who made that attack?
I think most of 'em were Saudis. Let's invade Iraq!

They showed no respect for the United Nations. They had only contempt for that forum.
You can't keep ignoring the UN like they did. We showed 'em how to ignore 'em!

But now Iraq's turned against us. I suppose it's what you'd expect.
Beatin' the crap out of everybody tends to have that effect.

There were links with al-Qaeda, you said. Iraq, not a chance, we said, never!
But thanks to your tactical awareness, George, you might just have pushed 'em together.

Remember the day the war ended? George, it just seems to drag on.
But we're goin' to liberate these people if we have to kill every last one.

How shall we win hearts and minds? Don't tell me, George. I think I know.
Beatin' the crap out everybody! I think we should give that a go.

Bomb the hospital, shoot the ambulance driver, knock the neighbourhood flat!
It's a good job they aren't real people. You can't treat real people like that.

Why not stop selling arms around the world, change the whole scheme of world trade,
Take a fresh look at Israel and Palestine? It's not what you want, I'm afraid.

We could build a new world based on justice, do things according to law.
Beatin' the crap out of everybody, it hasn't solved problems before.

How goes the war on terror, George? It's a war, George, can anyone win?
The world needs peace, freedom and justice. It's a long road, but why not begin?


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Subject: Lyr Add: AN ODD KIND OF ULTIMATUM (Les Barker)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 01:05 AM

Transcribed from the sound file at
http://www.mrsackroyd.com/bushmp.mp3

AN ODD KIND OF ULTIMATUM
Les Barker

I said in my dossier you have arms. I've not said where they are, but I know.
At no time have I ever given proof. The mere fact I have said it proves it's so.

The onus of proof lies with you. Show me the arms you have not got.
The ones that your dossier says you haven't. We need to know precisely where they're not.

The inspectors haven't found the ones you have, the ones we know you have, they think perhaps.
We don't know where they are or if you have them, but Tony Blair and I are honest chaps.

Show me all those arms of mass destruction. You may have noticed mine are on display.
It's an evil man who hides even the ones he hasn't got, so get them out, or I'll blow you away.

Perhaps one day we'll find you were unarmed, that the arms you don't possess, you don't possess.
That's just the kind of dirty trick you'd pull, and you've an awful lot of oil, but I digress.

Show me your bubonic plague. Get out the anthrax as well.
Remember, you got them from me, so I know you're guilty as hell.

To own such armaments as mine is forbidden. All those things you don't have, I have more.
Show me where what you've not got's been hidden, or in the name of peace, I'm going to go to war.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Wolfgang
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 08:10 AM

Thanks for the two songs. Les Barker is a brilliant songwriter. I personally prefer his parodies to his serious songs, but his serious songs are already very good.

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Leadfingers
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 10:13 AM

Strictly speaking they are NOT songs , but performance poetry , though a lot of Les's stuff is based on songs . The Mrs Ackroyd Band
Does sing Les' stuff , but Les himself only 'Talks' his poems ! And does a damn fine job of it too !!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 11:15 AM

OK, I'll 'fess up. The "Lyr Add" prefix was just to get this thread into the music section, and avoid attracting the people who are only interested in "BS." I'm not interested in starting an argument about the political implications of the poems, which I'm sure would have happened if this were in the BS section.

Anyway, I think we've had threads about recitations in the music section before. Why not? Recitations are also (sometimes) a form of folklore, and folk musicians sometimes perform them.

I hope others will post poems here.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Gurney
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 01:37 AM

Reading them cold, like that, doesn't do them the justice that they deserve. Les is the funniest performer I've ever seen, and if you've seen one of his performances, you'll be going to his next one. Oddly enough, not too many people seem to do his stuff, in my case because I feel he's the definitive performer of his poems.
Those up top there look like serious poems, and so they are, but everyone listening will have smiles on their faces. But they will remember them. Do try to see him.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Teresa
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 01:52 AM

I think the satire came through in the transcription quite nicely, although I have heard his recordings, so I can imagine him reciting them.

I like Leon rosselson and Roy bailey, too. I love the _Band of Hope_ CD Roy did with john Kirkpatrick and others in the 90s. everything sounds traditional, and the lyrics are very politically powerful.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 03:09 AM

Les is working on a follow up to 'Guide Cats for the Blind' - it's called 'Missing Persians' but I'm not entirely sure what charity it's in aid of, although one does spring to mind.

LTS


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Teresa
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 02:51 PM

LOL! Oh, dear. I wish kitties made good guides, but that, alas, is not one of their talents.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: GUEST,feazo
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 09:04 PM

Les does do some of his pieces with his friend Kieth Donelly who plays the guitar and sings some of the words. I think they tour as Me and My Idiot Friend or something.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: Joe Offer
Date: 23 Aug 21 - 05:07 PM

Interesting collection: http://www.storynsong.com/leslyrics.html


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Subject: ADD: Cosmo, the fairly accurate knife thrower
From: Joe Offer
Date: 19 Sep 22 - 07:30 PM

COSMO, THE FAIRLY ACCURATE
KNIFE-THROWER
by
Les Barker


Roll up, roll up... cried the Ringmaster
See the man on the flying trapeze
The one we've just fitted with elastic
That's him, over there... in the trees.

'Where's Cosmo, the fairly accurate knife thrower?'
The girl with the baby said
Her name was Lucille, they knew Cosmo'd know her
She still had a knife in her head.

'He's back there in the procession.' said the Ringmaster
Pointing to an old, half timbered Morris
It's Cosmo, the fairly accurate knife thrower
And his lovely assistant, Doris.

Lucille stormed up to him in anger
Gave him the baby, he didn't resist
Shamed by the memory of the night she conceived
He'd aimed for her sister... and missed.

Little did she know that the child Cosmo gained
On that morning's Morris Traveller ride
Would become the world famous stunt man
'Evil Shameevil' and his Yammershitty 1- 2- 5

He grew up a child of the circus
Rode the Big Dipper, The Dodgems, The Ghost Train
With 'Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
And his lovely assistant, Elaine.

Once upon a time, they kept marine mammals
But everyone was agin' it
And now the pool stands empty
There isn't any porpoise in it.

Evil set the animals free
'Cos that's what he knew they would wish
You can't keep animals in cages, these days
And it never worked that well with the fish.

And soon he was the star of the circus
The Morris Traveller still travelling on
With 'Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
And his lovely assistant, Yvonne.

Poor Cosmo was on the decline
He was hitting the 'Boddingtons' Loopy Juice
And in one afternoon... hit two lovely assistants
Fourpassers by and a migrating Canada Goose.

But his circus was making a fortune
And the audiences willingly paid it
To see Evil leap over thirty 'National Front' members
And cheered when he never quite made it.

And before he got out of the ring
The next act would kill two or three
It was 'Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
And his lovely assistant, Marie.

And the climax of Evil's career
Was announced with fanfare and fuss
He'd leap over 42 motor bikes
In a corporation, double decker bus.

It was on the 1- 8- 9 to stockport
That Evil set out after his dream
Drove at Seventy five miles an hour down Wellington Road North
Towards the 'Little Sisters of the Poor' formation motor bike team.

Some say the big lady on the back seat stood up
But they found a puncture in the front wheel
And a knife enscribed,
'To Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower'
From his lovely assistant, Lucille.

https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Cosmo_the_Knife.htm


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: MoorleyMan
Date: 19 Sep 22 - 07:46 PM

Only just discovered this thread.
Les B deserves more recognition for his serious, politically sharp and environmentally conscious writings.
In response to Gurney's post of 2005 above - >> not too many people seem to do his stuff .... because I feel he's the definitive performer of his poems << - yes, he is of course, but other folks are starting to realise how acute Les's observations are - I even perform some of them myself, but you really need to hear Pelagie Crofton, a regular performer of Les's work on the Mudcat Worldwide Singarounds. She does a brilliant job...


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: BobL
Date: 20 Sep 22 - 02:47 AM

I have asked for "Detritus" as one of the readings at my funeral...


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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Satirical recitations by Les Barker
From: GeoffLawes
Date: 20 Sep 22 - 04:30 AM

Les Barker from Wikipedia     https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Barker
Many Les Barker recitations on YouTube    https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Les+Barker+all+tracks


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Subject: ADD: Les Barker songs and Poems
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:00 PM

I'm going to use this message an index of Les Barker songs posted at Mudcat, but not included in the crosslinks above. If you post links below, I'll include them in this list and delete your post.

Les Barker songs and Poems


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Subject: ADD: Cosmo, The Prince of Denmark (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:17 PM

COSMO, PRINCE OF DENMARK
by
Les Barker


The guard, high on the battlements
Of royal Elsinore
Saw the ghost of one departed,
The king of days before;
A knife deep in his chest,
His face with pain was wracked;
'This dagger was my son's,' he cried;
'I was helping him with his act.'

Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
Hamlet's younger brother,
Killed Rosencrantz and Guildenstren,
His uncle and his mother.
It was the evil, cunning, Claudius
Who ended the king's life
When he said to little Cosmo,
'Merry Christmas; here's a knife.'

Cosmo tried out slings and arrows,
And Hamlet bore the scars
Before he made an outrageous fortune
Out of his cigars.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark,
With practised flick of practised wrist,
Took arms against a sea of troubles
And missed.

It was curtains for Polonius;
He came crashing to the ground
With a knife straight through the arras;
Serves him right for turning round.
Cosmo killed Laertes' father
But his sister went to ground;
She jumped into the river
And he missed her... but she drowned.

Then they stood beside the grave,
Horatio and the kid;
'Alas poor Yorick; I knew him, Horatio;'
'Yes, he looks as if you did.'
And there are characters in other plays
That Cosmo did to death;
Remember poor King Duncan?
Bet you thought it was Macbeth;

It was Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
He got out his knife and fork
And sliced up Francis Bacon
And half the House of York.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
Not the best of men at darts;
The reason English kings
Often come in several parts.

Again in Julius Caesar,
Don't heed his dying call;
Though he said 'Et tu Brute?'
It wasn't him at all.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark
Practising at home
Aimed at Copenhagen
But the knife came down in Rome.

It was Cosmo, Prince of Denmark
Who sent him to the grave,
And the Latin 'Et tu Brute'
Just means 'Where's my aftershave?'
Oberon, Titania;
They all went for the chop;
It was unfortunate for Bottom;
Cosmo went for double top.

But soft, what knife through yonder window breaks?
Poor Juliet, cried, intense;
'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?'
'I'm impaled against this fence.'
Cosmo looked at all the carnage,
And, remorseful for the dead,
He attempted suicide
And killed King Richard's horse instead.

And in a land beyond Tintagel
Lies a lake shrouded in mists,
Where a hand holds up a sword
And a voice cries, 'Who threw this?'

https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Cosmo_Prince_of_Denmark.htm


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Subject: ADD: Dachshunds with Erections... (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:19 PM

DACHSHUNDS WITH ERECTIONS
CAN'T CLIMB STAIRS
by
Les Barker


Each night she's on the balcony
He loves her from afar
His soft, sad eyes are hypnotised
She shines down like a star.
His heart will break forever
His kind can't have affairs
For Dachshunds with erections...
Can't climb stairs.
His home's a humble bungalow
And her's a penthouse flat
He cannot go where she can go
And that, they say. is that.
He never can be near her
Although she knows he cares
For Dachshunds with erections...
Can't climb stairs.

You want to win a woman?
Just be cool... be aloof
The dog who doesn't hit the stairs
Can make it to the roof.
The dog who doesn't care
Will be the dog who wins the day
You'll never get to heaven...
With your chopper in the way.

The spirit soars, the body falls
And heavy lies the heart
That cries out with the pain of love
Be still my broken part.
How painful is the passion
And painful the repairs
For Dachshunds with erections
Can't climb stairs.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Dascunds_with_erections.htm


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Subject: ADD: Deck of Cards (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:23 PM

THE DECK OF CARDS
by
Les Barker


During the North African campaign of the 7 years Franco-Prussian
War of the Spanish Succession, a bunch of soldier boys had been
on a long hike and found themselves in Macclesfield.
The next day being Sunday, they went into a church. One of the
Franco Prussians saw one of the soldier boys take out a deck of
cards, and said: 'Soldier; put away those cards."
The next day, the soldier was taken before the Provost Marshal.
The Marshal spoke to the Franco Prussian, saying "Frank, why
have you brought this man before me?
"For playing cards in church, Sir.
"What have you to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, sir," said the soldier.
"I hope so; for if not, I shall punish you more than any man was
ever punished."
The soldier replied, "Well sir, when I see the ace, I think of
what they call frozen water in Cheltenham.
When I see the two, I think of the two stomachs of half a cow.
And when I see the three, I think of the number of horsemen of
the apocalypse when Pestilence is having a day off to run in
the 2.45 at Ascot.
And when I look at the four, I think of the number of legs on
part of a centipede.
When I see the five, I think of the number of trotters on a pig,
and a spare one we've got in the fridge.
When I look at the six, I think of the number of votes Norway
have got in the entire history of the Eurovision Song Contest.
When I look at the seven, I think of the Ten Commandments.
When I see the eight, I think of the number of trotters on a pig,
cos I've just ate 'em.
When I think of the nine, I think of the number of trotters there
would be on three horses if they were all pigs and had a leg
missing.
When I look at the ten, I think of the number of Lords a-leaping
some swine left on the doorstep after Christmas.
And when I see the Jack, I think of the number of trotters on a
pig if it's left overnight in a car park in Brixton.
When I see the Queen, I think perhaps I'm in the wrong bus queue.
And when I see the king, I think: What's Elvis doing working in
Tesco?
And when I see the four suits, it reminds me how many suits I'd
have in the wardrobe if I had another four, and a wardrobe.
When I add up the number of cards, it comes to fifty-two, the
number of weeks in the last half of last year and the first half
of this year.
There are twelve picture cards, the number of eyebrows on six
armadillos.
When I add up the spots, it comes to three hundred and sixty
five, and I am reminded of a small bottle of Thousand Island
dressing.
So you see, my deck of cards serves me as both a bauble and an
Armagnac.
And folks, this story's true; I know; I read it in the Sun.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Deck_of_CardsLB.htm

Original Deck of Cards (click)


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Subject: ADD: Rise and Fall of Ghengis Ackroyd (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:25 PM

THE RISE AND FALL
OF
GHENGIS ACKROYD
by
Les Barker

It were a wild wet night in Mossley
And the wind howled down from the moors;
Sheep huddled in their sleeping bags,
And shepherds wore woolly underwear indoors.
Down from the hills with the wind and the rain
They came and pillaged and destroyed;
And looted and raped and wrote
nasty things about Princess Anne on walls;
It were the terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.

He sat astride his horse, wild and indomitable
Like Michael Foot is;
He lived on wine and wealth and women
And pickled eggs and tripe butties.
His men drank horse liniment and Domestos
And pints of Dukham's and Courage,
then rode out into the void;
They got a 53 at Belle Vue and took their horses upstairs,
Did the terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.

And the driver called upstairs
"There'll be no rape and pillage on my 53 bus."
And he showed them the appropriate regulations:
"No rape or pillage or setting fire to nuns."
and he made quite a fuss,
So they got off and let his tyres down;
They're nasty when they're annoyed.
And then they laid seige to the UCP tripe works,
Did the terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.

For twenty years they besieged it,
All to no avail,
Then they built a wooden cow
And hid inside its tail.
The foolish tripe workers took it inside
And were wooden horse of Troyed
By a thousand savages and four udders;
The terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.

They put a wheel on each corner of the building,
Stuck a steering wheel on the roof with strong glue;
They poured petrol down the chimney
And drove off up the M62.
They left behind in Levenshulme
Two hundred tripe workers, unemployed;
Their tripe works was now in Cleckheaton
With the terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.

But the men of Levenshulme were bent on revenge,
For life without tripe is no fun;
So they got on their bikes and pedalled to Cleckheaton
Behind their great Irish leader, Attila O'Hun.
Attila rode a two litre brass bedstead
with an outboard motor and twin carbs;
And he swore by Almighty Selwyn Lloyd
He'd get back the tripe works
From the terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.

They joined in battle at Brighouse
And tripe workers died under a hail of
high explosive Yorkshire pudding,
It seemed all was lost
Then all of a sudding
They were face to face, Attila and his great foe.
It was a fight to the death that neither could avoid;
For two years they stood toe to toe,
Attila O'Hun and Ghengis Ackroyd.

Then Attila drew his black pudding
And slew Ghengis Ackroyd where he stood;
So perished the evil ruler of the
Mohammedan Empire of Dewsbury,
So was spilt the Ackroyd blood.
The men of Levenshulme took their factory back,
Once more they were employed,
And the western world no longer stood in fear
Of the terrible horde of Ghengis Ackroyd.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Ghengis_Ackroyd.htm


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Subject: ADD: Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, eh (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:31 PM

Thread #1654   Message #4107481
Posted By: Joe Offer
25-May-21 - 01:36 AM
Thread Name: Origins: The Raggle-Taggle Gypsy
Subject: RE: Origins: The Raggle-Taggle Gypsy

I got an interesting Canadian (???) Les Barker parody in an email from Elizabeth Block.

THE WRAGGLE TAGGLE GYPSIES, EH
(Les Barker)

here were three gypsies came to her door
A block from Bloor in Toron-ti-eh
And they said, Fair maid, would you run away,
Would you go with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh?

Well, she went along
All the way down Yonge,
Sang a song at the offices of VIA
And from there did go
Through Ontar-i-o
On the train with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh.

Well, her husband rode from Etobicoke*
Where he works with a guy from Mississau-gi-eh
And he soon did know the scenar-i-o,
She did go with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh.

Come saddle me my milk-white steed
And bridle me my pony, oh,
I'll find my bride and ask her why
She did go with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh.

It's a long, long ride through the countryside
Of Ontar-i-o and Manito-bi-eh
Out to Edmonton, where he found she had gone
Further on with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh.

By now she'd be out in B.C.,
By the sea out in British Colum-bi-eh,
Some say she may have reached Swartz Bay
All the way with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh.

Well, he went then to Tsawassen
Where he took the ferry very quickly, eh,
And there he learned she had just returned
To Toronto with the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh.

"What, home again! Well, sod that then!
I'm taking to the road out Cowichan Bay way,
I'm over her, and Nanaimo, sir,
I prefer to the Wraggle Taggle Gypsies, Eh!

By Les Barker
Transcribed from memory by Elizabeth Block.
*Etobicoke has a silent K


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Subject: ADD: King Harold Was a Ventriloquist (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:36 PM

KING HAROLD WAS A VENTRILOQUIST
by
Les Barker

King Harold was a ventriloquist,
Not many people know
He used to work with animals,
He put on quite a show.
People came in thousands
To see his tour de force
To see the great King Harold...
On his hawk with his hand up his horse.

He could talk while drinking water,
He could talk while smoking a cig
But he had to keep his day job,
'Cos he didn't get many gigs.
He went to fight the Danes,
At Stamford Bridge near York
But he kept his hand in on the way...
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.

Well, they beat the Danes quite easy,
They gracefully gave in
But they wouldn't shake his hand,
'Cos they knew where it had been.
And Harold was impressive
At the head of his victorious force
"Hello, I'm Mr Ed." he said...
On his hawk with his hand up his horse.

He got a gig in Yorkshire
At a club in Battley
But he found 'The Miners Welfare'
Didn't want a royal Sooty.
They didn't like ventriloquists
And said so with brute force
And ejected poor old Harold...
On his hawk with his head up his horse.

He gratefully went south again
For he'd heard that Norman had landed
"Let's make haste for Hastings!" he cried,
Working his horse left handed.
His army marched past him in splendour
And the leader saluted the lads
And in doing so suffered concussion...
From the horse on his hand on his head.

Soon they got to Hastings
And the two armies got to grips
Harold was winning 3-1 at half time
And all without moving his lips.
"Who's in charge over there?" asked William,
"It's not Harold I've not seen him talk."
And he glared at the king of the English...
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.

"I'm being beaten by a parrot...
Somebody shoot the bird!"
And amid the tumult of battle,
Only one of his archers heard.
It was Cosmo, the fairly accurate archer,
He heard his master shout
He aimed an arrow at the hawk...
He was only a foot or so out!

It was one in the eye for Harold,
He immediately fell down dead
For though Cosmo had aimed at the parrot,
He'd hit Long John Silver instead.
William the Conqueror was furious,
Cosmo's life was imperilled
He'd made a spectacle of himself...
And a monocle of Harold.

And though William conquered the country,
It's of Harold people talk
Ventriloquist, King of England,
On his horse with his hand up his hawk.
It was a sight to frighten the foreign,
An English fighting force
With Harold at the head of his army...
On his hawk... with his hand... up his horse.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Harold_Ventriloquist.htm


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Subject: ADD: Reg, the Lonely Glow Worm (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:38 PM

REG. THE LONELY GLOW WORM
by
Les Barker


Reg was a lonely glow worm,
All alone in the big city night;
Lady glow worms didn't like him,
Never really thought him too bright.
She was just a red glow in the gutter,
Alone, perhaps lonely like him;
His heart simply melted like butter;
Her light made all others seem dim.

But tonight he would not be requited;
Her warm love could never be Reg's
For he was a lonely glow worm
And she was a Benson and Hedges.

He asked did she come here often,
Asked if she fancied a drink;
She might perhaps like a light ale;
No reply; not a nod; not a wink.

She was just a red glow in the gutter,
Smouldering; sultry; aloof.
Not one single word did she utter,
And Reg never guessed at the truth.

His heart was aflame with desire,
But her fire was a pyre; it was Reg's;
For he was a lonely glow worm
And she was a Benson and Hedges.

He desperately wanted to know her,
There in the big city night;
And there, like a moth to the flame,
Reg was drawn to the light.

She was just a red glow in the gutter,
A beacon of love in the mist;
She lay where some smoker had put her
And Reg could no longer resist.

He burned more than his fingers that evening;
Now he carries a torch with scorched edges,
For he was a lonely glow worm
And she was a Benson and Hedges.

He fell like a fool for a cigarette,
For passion can have strange effects
And his contact lenses were missing,
And a tortoise had trod on his specs.

She was just a red glow in the gutter,
Unmoved by wit, wisdom or wealth,
Sat a firefly on fire and a-flutter
And seriously damaged his health.

All she left was a small pile of charcoal;
Remember those embers are Reg's,
For he was a lonely glow worm
And she was a Benson and Hedges.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Reg_The_Glow_Worm.htm


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Subject: ADD: Sparky's Magic Contraceptive (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:40 PM

SPARKY'S MAGIC CONTRACEPTIVE
by
Les Barker


The Albert Hall was packed;
There were thousands locked outside.
The pianist played his best;
They stamped; they cheered; they cried.
'Well done, Sparky ' said his dad,
'They liked you quite a lot',
And his mother smiled with quiet pride;
'Sparky, lad... shit-hot. '
The audience didn't want to go;
They stood and cried for more
As Sparky made his triumphal way
Through the fans at the stage door.
And he smiled through his secret agony;
Only seven and he wore a truss;
A martyr to his music
And putting his piano on the bus.
He leaned on his Steinway at the bus stop,
Nonchalant, like pianists do,
When a girl's voice shouted across the street.
Ey!... my mate fancies you'.
Sparky was a sucker for the subtle approach
And they cuddled and kissed for a while,
But when it came to the important bit
All he could raise was a smile.
He said if only he was up to it
He'd love her with exceptional vigour,
She said, 'It needs more than energy, lad;
Bugger off till it gets bigger.'
He walked the streets all that night
With tears in his eyes and his mind.
He walked on through the rain until he heard
A voice calling him from behind;
'Sparky, Sparky; ' He looked back,
And there by a half eaten crust
Lay a cast aside contraceptive
And the fruits of Friday night's lust.
'Sparky, Sparky;' it said again
To the tragic, crying figure
'I am your magic contraceptive
And can make your small willy, bigger'.
It certainly did the trick
For Doris and Mary and Kath
And Agnes and best of all
For playing at submarines in the bath
His willy now stood five foot two,
And, dressed, with glasses on,
Stood up behind a piano
It looked like Elton John.
Pianists marvelled at the size of his talent
The secret they tried to find.
Ray Charles tried a bit too hard
And consequently went blind.
Then, at a concert at the Hollywood Bowl.
With the audience crying for more,
Sparky's fast-growing willy
Lifted his piano up off the floor.
He played Liszt and Rachmaninov
On his concert grand overhead
Till a gust of wind caught him unawares,
Underneath, unconscious and dead.
You can read the inscription on his grave:
And though it may sound silly
They didn't bother with a headstone;
They just chipped away at the end of his willy. (circumscription).
It says; 'Sparky played, and laughed a lot,
And may I say, not in a shy way,
That through it all, when there was doubt
He played a tune and stuck it out
And lifted Stein ways.


https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Sparkys_Contraceptive.htm


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Subject: ADD: Waste Not, Want Not (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:41 PM

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT
( Featuring Albert Ramsbottom )
by
Les Barker


There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun.
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom,
Went there with Albert, their son.

With Albert... and some trepidation,
They made their way up to the zoo.
And went to the 'ead keeper, sayin',
'Can you find Albert summat to do?

D'ya think 'e could muck out the elephants?
Or remove a sharp thorn from a paw?
'Ow about feedin' the lions?
'E can do that... 'e's done it before!'

'Right!... 'e can feed the animals,
And Albert, as thou's a beginner.
You can start off feedin' fodder t' finches,
Feed 'em this fodder for dinner.'

So of toddled Albert with fodder,
But 'Orrors'... when young lad got there.
Every last finch 'ad expired,
On the floor with their feet in the air!

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told 'im 'is tale of woe.
'Feed them to lion' said keeper,
'Waste not - want not, y'know!'

And when tha's done that, try monkeys,
Give 'em a box of these.
Pointing at a box of bananas,
Labelled, 'For Chimpanzes'

Young Albert picked up the bananas,
'E were plannin' a chimpanze feast.
But found every ape in the ape-house,
'Ad chimpanze diseases... deceaced!

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told 'im 'is tale of woe.
'Feed them to lion' said keeper,
'Waste not - want not, y'know!'

And the go and see to the bees,
'Urry on down to the 'ive.
See that they swallow this pollen...
That is, if there's any alive!

By gum, 'twere a bundle bereavement,
What fatalities... two 'undred plus.
'Death, where is thy sting?... and vice versa,
Poor Albert, 'e missed the last bus.

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told 'im 'is tale of woe.
'Feed them to lion' said keeper,
'Waste not - want not, y'know!

Mash the bees up in yon bucket,
Yon lion 'e aught t' be pleased.
It's a meal 'e don't get very often...
Finch, chimps and mushy bees!'



https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Waste_Not_Want_Not.htm


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Subject: ADD: Leezie Lindsay (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:52 PM

Thread #31514   Message #3475283
Posted By: Peter the Squeezer
03-Feb-13 - 11:20 AM
Thread Name: Lyr Req: Leezie Lindsay (from The Corries)
Subject: Lyr Add: LIZZIE LINDSAY(?) (Les Barker)

How about this version from Les Barker?

LIZZIE LINDSAY
(Les Barker)

Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay?
Will ye gang to the High Street wi' me?
Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay
And we'll have some beefburgers for tea.

I won't go to the High Street with you sir
For I'm proud of my Scots history;
Of the pipes and the glens and the mountains;
It's a clan chief or nothing for me.

Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay?
Will ye gang to the High Street wi' me?
Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay
And we'll have some beefburgers for tea.

I know that you want a true Scotsman,
A chieftain of highest degree;
My name is Lord Ronald MacDonald;
Hoots mon; ye ken; will that dee?

Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay?
Will ye gang to the High Street wi' me?
Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay
And we'll have some beefburgers for tea.

My aunt was wi' Bonnie Prince Chairlie;
They say that she could have been Queen,
For her name was Flora MacDonald;
She invented the soft margarine.

Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay?
Will ye gang to the High Street wi' me?
Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay
And we'll have some beefburgers for tea.

Come wear my red and white tartan;
My kinfolk all come from Glencoe,
For my name is Lord Ronald MacDonald;
I'll have two Campbellburgers to go.

Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay?
Will ye gang to the High Street wi' me?
Will ye gang to the High Street, Lizzie Lindsay
And we'll have some beefburgers for tea.

Speed, bonnie boat, like a bird on the wind;
Onward, the sailors cry;
Carry the lad that's born to be king
And bring back a burger and fries.

Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back a burger and fries, and fries.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back a burger and fries.

Amazing grease
There's half a pound
Of beef to retch like me
Once I was lost
But now I've found
Two carrots and a pea.

Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back your carrots and peas, and peas.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back your carrots and peas.

Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low,
Through the streets in my kilt I'll go
All the lassies say hello;
Ronald where's your burgers?

Published in "Al Satians to Crewe"


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Subject: ADD: Ilkley d'Amour (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 10:58 PM

Thread #63858   Message #1671854
Posted By: Snuffy
18-Feb-06 - 08:45 AM
Thread Name: Ilkley moor - other songs about it?
Subject: Lyr Add: ILKLEY D'AMOUR (Les Barker)

ILKLEY D'AMOUR


(Les Barker)

Ilkley d'amour, le 'ill where the Yorkshiremen go.
Ilkley d'amour et j'ai been there with mon chapeau.


Wheer hast tha' been since the day that I je t'ai vu.
J'ai been to court Mary Jane, chacun à son goût.

Ilkley d'amour, le 'ill where the Yorkshiremen go.
Ilkley d'amour et j'ai been there with mon chapeau.


Sacré bleu, vous will catch thy dee-ath tha knows
Vous allez snuff it si vous allez sans chapeau
Ooh 't worms'll ate thee, les ducks mange les worms for their tea
Et nous mange les ducks, so nous will have eaten thee

Ilkley d'amour, le 'ill where the Yorkshiremen go.
Ilkley d'amour et j'ai been there with mon chapeau.


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Subject: ADD: Where Do You Go to, My Doris (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:01 PM

Thread #88424   Message #1658523
Posted By: Bainbo
31-Jan-06 - 06:35 PM
Thread Name: 'Where do you go to my Lovely' - Discuss
Subject: Lyr Add: WHERE DO YOU GO TO MY DORIS (Les Barker)

Where do you go to, my Doris, by Les Barker, some time in the 70s.
He turned it round to be about inverted snobbery, and how everybody was desperately trying to prove working-class roots.

The references are to Manchester, and other places in North West England.
Eddie Waring - TV rugby football commentator; St Michael - brand name of Marks and Spencer clothes shops; Jimmy Frizzell - manager of Oldham Athletic football club; Colin Bell - Manchester City footballer; Domestos - household bleach. Bramhall - posh area. Oldham - not posh.

You'll have to work out the rest yourself. And you know the saddest part? This isn't copy-and-paste. I've just typed it all out. From memory.

***

Well, you talk just like Eddie Waring, and you dance like Yogi Bear.
Your clothes are all made by St Michael, and there's dandruff and bugs in your hair,
Yes there are, oh aye, itchy coo

You live in a council penthouse, off the boulevard, Newton Heath,
Where you play your Rolling Stones records by the light of Cliff Richard's teeth,
Yes you do, oh aye, itchy coo

But where do you go to, my Doris, when you get on a train?
Are you seeing a smoothy in Salford, or a dirty old man in Dean Lane?

I've seen both your qualifications, you got at Oldham Tech -
Needlework and marine boiler maintenance, and your O-levels come up to your neck.
Yes they do, oh aye, itchycoo

When you go on summer vacation you're found on Blackpool sands,
In your carefully designed topless swimsuit, you look just like one of the lads,
Yes you do, oh aye, itchy coo

And when the snow falls you're found in Widnes, with the others of the jet set.
You sip your Domestos and soda, and down it in one for a bet,
Yes you do, oh aye, itchy coo

But where do you go to, my Doris, when you get on a bus?
Are you seeing a playboy in Failsworth? Is it all over for us?

Your name it is heard in high places - you know Jimmy Frizzell.
He bought you a tortoise for Christmas, and you race it against Colin Bell
And it wins, yes it does, itchy coo

They say that when you get married, it'll be to a millionaire.
You'd better move out of Oldham - won't meet many round there,
No you won't, will you 'eck, itchy coo

But where do you go to, my Doris, when you drive off in your car?
Are you having an an affair with a golfer who thinks half-past-ten's about par?

I remember the back streets of Bramhall, two children playing a game
Each with inverted ambition to shake off a middle-class name
Yes they did, oh aye, itchy coo

So look into my eyes, darling Doris, and remember who you are -
You think you're a working-class scrubber, bt you've got a stockbroker papa,
Yes you have, oh aye, itchy coo

I know where you go to, my Doris, when you go anywhere at all.
You're not having fish suppers in Oldham, but muffins and tea in Bramhall.


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Subject: ADD: Willie and Nancy (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:03 PM

Here's another Les Barker parody, beautifully sung by Leslie Davies on "Oranges and Lemmings", and occasionally sung by me - this is from memory, and the recorded version is different from the version in "Reign of Terrier", so don't accept these words as gospel...

WILLIE AND NANCY
(Les Barker)

Farewell, my dearest Roger, you're not the man for me,
For you see my name is Nancy, and our love can never be;
No Henry, George or Julian; complete must be the ban
For if your name is Nancy, then Willie is your man.

Adieu, my dearest Roger, for wed we'll never be,
For I must have my Willie - there's no Roger-ing for me -
But, wait a moment, Roger, I just read the wedding clause
That says after we get married, he'll be off to fight the wars.

Stay awhile, dear Roger, wait for me in the shed,
For he's driving to High Germany the day that we get wed...
Well, this is a turn-up, and it dissipates my fears,
He'll give me half a wedding ring, then he'll bugger off for years!


He'll be off to fight the Prussians, he'll ask me to be true;
You must be joking, Willie - I've got better things to do!
He'll expect me to be faithful - what reward does virtue bring?
A Willie with no arms and legs - and only half a ring!

Stay awhile, dear Roger, we'll not bid adieu,
For my Willie's not returning until verse thirty-two.
There'll be no-one waiting when he walks through the door
For we're now in verse five - and there's only one more.


He'll sit down by the fireside, he'll wait for his tea;
He'll be waiting for a long time if he cares to wait for me!
So bring along your fiddle, play a tune and make it Loonnnnggg -
I've been Nanci-mancipated, after centuries of song!

Les Barker, as sung by Leslie Davies and misremembered by ML...


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Subject: ADD: Reinstalling Windows (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:07 PM

Thread #72567   Message #1251378
Posted By: GUEST
19-Aug-04 - 06:09 PM
Thread Name: Tech: Re-Installing Windows
Subject: Lyr Add: REINSTALLING WINDOWS (Les Barker)

Author: Les Barker
http://www.compulink.co.uk/~ackroyd/


(Tune of "When I'm Cleaning Windows")

I bought a new computer,
It cost two thousand pound;
But every time I switch it on
I keeps on falling down.

I used to think it was my friend
Now it drives me round the bend;
You'd be surprised the time
I spend Reinstalling Windows.

I switch it on; what is this?
Something wrong with config.sys;
This isn't my idea of bliss,
Reinstalling Windows.

I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files,
I want to share my anger 'cos
It drives me bloomin' wild.

Load disk four, oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done;
Every day now everyone's
Reinstalling Windows.

Load disk ten; it will say
All you do is plug and play
Why do I spend every day
Reinstalling Windows?

It can't find my printer
It can't locate my mouse;
The other day it told me that
They were in some other house.

Still unplugged, still unplayed,
E-mailed God in search of aid
He's far too busy I'm afraid
Reinstalling Windows.

Up at dawn for one more try;
Does it work? Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
Reinstalling Windows.

It doesn't like my modem and
Detests all CD-ROMs;
let's see if the setup wizard
Recognizes bombs.

I used to like a drink or three;
No time now, don't call for me;
I'm going to spend eternity
Reinstalling Windows.


Thread #36122   Message #498118
Posted By: JudeL
04-Jul-01 - 06:19 AM
Thread Name: BS: Bill Gates' Sense of Humour
Subject: Lyr Add: REINSTALLING WINDOWS (Les Barker)

I think Les Barker summed it up rather well:

REINSTALLING WINDOWS by LES BARKER

I've bought a computer;
It cost a thousand pound;
Every time I switch it on
It keeps on falling down.

I used to think it was my friend
Now it drives me round the bend;
You'd be surprised the time I spend
Reinstalling Windows.

I switch it on; What is this?
Something wrong with config.sys;
This isn't my idea of bliss,
Reinstalling Windows.

I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files,
Iwant to share my anger 'cos
It drives me bloomin' wild.

My songs, they say, can be sublime;
I've conquered cadence, mastered rhyme;
Nowadays I spend my time
Reinstalling Windows.

Reinstall; Oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done;
Everyday now everyone's
Reinstalling windows.

Watch the screen ; watch it say
All you do is plug and play
How do I spend every day?
Reinstalling Windows.

It can't find my printer and
It can't find my mouse;
The other day it told me they
were in some other house.

Still unplugged , still unplayed,
Emailed God in search of aid
He's far too busy I'm afraid,
Reinstalling Windows.

Up at dawn for one more try;
Does it work? Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
Reinstalling Windows.

I used to like a drink or three;
No time now; Don't call for me;
I'm going to spend eternity
Reinstalling Windows.

It doesn't like my Modem and
Detests all CD-Roms;
Let's see if the set up wizard
Recognises bombs.

I used to think it was my friend;
Now it drives me round the bend;
You'd be surprised the time I spend
Reinstalling Windows.

(Repeat the last three verses)

cheers Jude


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Subject: ADD: C Sharp Shuffle (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:16 PM

Thread #63589   Message #1035164
Posted By: Wolfgang
14-Oct-03 - 03:38 AM
Thread Name: 100 Years since Cecil Sharp heard 'Seeds of Love'
Subject: Lyr Add: C SHARP SHUFFLE (Les Barker)

C SHARP SHUFFLE

(LES BARKER)

Take your partners for the C Sharp Shuffle
for old C Sharp was a person of note
honour your partners, one pace forward,
everybody raise one arm and vote.
One pace forward, two steps backward,
three steps sideways behind the scences;
those on the right don't move from London;
everybody else go to Milton Keynes.
Those in the front hand in resignations;
now who takes the helm of the sinking boat?
Next in line hand in nominations;
everybody raise one arm and vote....

Wolfgang


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Subject: ADD: Custard Creams (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:18 PM

Thread #2903   Message #967300
Posted By: Bernard
16-Jun-03 - 08:06 PM
Thread Name: Origins: John o' Dreams (Bill Caddick)
Subject: DTADD: Custard Creams (Les Barker)

CUSTARD CREAMS
(Les Barker)

Those midnight snacks bring what you always dread.
Crumbs in your blanket and your feather bed.
Crumbs without number
Keep you from slumber;
Yield up the night time to old custard creams.
Yield up the night time to old custard creams.

The late night sandwich and the ginger nut
Stick in your shoulder, lie underfoot.
Huntley and Palmer
There is no armour
Yield up the darkness to old custard creams
Yield up the darkness to old custard creams.

Barm cakes and biscuits, whole loaves of bread
Mate on your mattress, breed in your bed
One million croutons
All on one futon
And down your duvet there's old custard creams
And down your duvet there's old custard creams.

I think I know now why my mother said
That gentlemen don't take tarts to bed
And when you're restive
Blame the digestive
You'll find no comfort with old custard creams
You'll find no comfort with old custard creams.


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Subject: ADD: The Maid of Melrose Town (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:22 PM

Thread #57774   Message #910572
Posted By: Dead Horse
15-Mar-03 - 07:06 AM
Thread Name: Lyr Req: Broken Token Songs
Subject: ADD: The Maid of Melrose Town (Les Barker)

My own personal favourite, which encapsulates the theme perfectly.

THE MAID OF MELROSE TOWN (by Sir Les Barker)(What! Not knighted yet?)

There is a maid in Melrose town, and she must grieve full sore
For her bold and handsome Willie, says that he must go to war.
He has taken the king's shilling, and he has to go to Spain
And it's "Oh I am unwilling, for it looks a bit like rain.

And it's "Oh my dearest William, must ye gang awa' to Spain?"
"Let this wardrobe be our love token. Let us split it all in twain.
"On the day those halves unite, then so too shall we, my love;"
And she gave him half a wardrobe, and the poor sod staggered off

Willie's gone to be a soldier, Willie's gone for quite a while
With a wardrobe on his shoulder, down the M6 at Carlisle;
Laden down with half a wardrobe, all through England. France and Spain,
Where he found the war had finished, so he set off home again.

And he marched back into Melrose, and he took his token out,
But his fair, his dearest maiden, told him war had broken out.
"Brave Willie, you must go" she said, and blew the sweetest kiss,
And she handed him his token, saying 'don't go without this.

So he marched to Barcelona, where he found he'd been misled
For this war was in Sweden, and his true love hadn't said.
Poor brave Willie knew his duty, and he set off straight away,
But when he got to Stockholm, it had finished yesterday.

Willie met them Swedish girls, and how poor Willie was enraged,
For when a man's got half a wardrobe, you can tell that he's engaged.
So he had an idea that his half he'd maybe swap
And he went into Ikea, changed his bottom for a top.

And he marched back into Melrose, thinking soon he would be free
For we cannot make a wardrobe, and she'll think it isn't me.
But alas, his sweetest true love, had been making other friends
And she had been to Ikea, and had cunningly changed ends.

There is a maid in Melrose town, on her face the widest grin,
For her bold and handsome Willie, has returned from where he's been.
Who the hell are you? she says; I don't think you're my love;
If your half don't fit on my half, well then, you can just sod off

I'll go with that, said Willie, for the boy had used his wits,
And he took his half a wardrobe, and then.. bloody hell, it fits!
There is a wife in Melrose town; some say that they are fools,
For she didn't want to marry; Nor did he; but rules are rules.
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Subject: ADD: Quasimodo (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:29 PM

Thread #16108   Message #148441
Posted By: Stewie
12-Dec-99 - 04:50 AM
Thread Name: Mudcat Open Mike
Subject: Lyr Add: QUASIMODO (Les Barker)

I'll do a poem from the pen of the inimitable Les Barker. For the joy that's in it:

QUASIMODO

An unlucky man that Quasimodo
The local people said;
He used to be six foot three
But a bell fell on his head
Pigeons used to.crap on his hat:
Quasimado was born to lose;
He'd look up, open-mouthed, in dismay
And his pigeons all flew round.in twos.
Poor ole Quasimodo;
His back was giving him hell
And his sinuses were playing up;
It was a sinus he wasn't too well.

He staggered through the churchyard,
Haggard, halt and tired;
Quasimodo suffers on
Though his sick note has expired.
He bought a new car one summer;
He was unfortunate to tell the truth; For, within an hour, the interior light had been damaged by a rhino
And a sperm whale fell on the roof.
He used to lose on swings and roundabouts,
Dodgems, ghost trains, water chutes, caterpillar and carousel;
He'd get chewing gum out of contraceptive machines
(And vice versa)
And his sinuses weren't very well.

He'd try to toll the bells
Before he went to lunch
But he couldn't reach the bellrope
So he had to play a hunch;
Then he'd go up to the belfry,
Where the air is clear and calm,
With a flask and some panadol butties:
The lunchpack of Notre Dame.
But where Quasimodo was really unlucky
Was with the mademoiselles;
They always wanted nasal sex
And his sinuses weren't very well.

He once fell out of a helicopter
Cos the lady loved Milk Tray.
They had a box marked 'For the sick' outside the cathedral
And he filled it everyday.
One day an actress arrived at the door
And asked if the bishop was in;
He'd asked her to call round at teatime
For some bread, wine and cardinal sin.
Quasimodo, immediately smitten,
Tried to chat up the mademoiselle;
He'd have used his magnificent diction
But his sinuses weren't very well.
Though he knew she'd not want a cripple,
Still he lived in hopes;
He was only a lowly bellringer
But he'd love to have shown her the ropes.

She retired to the bishop's quarters;
Quasimodo was in tears on his knees,
When the girl's anguished voice cried 'Rape!'
And Quasimodo, rushing in, said 'yes please.'
The bishop caught him with a mitre in the midriff,
Which mitre been why he fell;
The bishop shook him till the paracetamols rattled
And his sinuses weren't very well.
'Let's fight a duel in the belfry,
lt's a matter of honour, you know'.
And the bishop had to agree because
He'd been on her a minute ago.
The two men stood, back to hunch:
It was bats at fifteen paces;
At the fourth pace the bishop fell out of the window
Cos belfries are very small places.

Quasimodo walked proud from the belfry
With the lady at his side;
They kissed in mutual adoration
And she caught sinusitis and died.
In no time at all, about a fortnight or so,
The law arrived on the scene
With a genial, 'Bonsoir, tout le monde,
Je suis Dixon de Notre Dame Green.'
He said, 'Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour,'
And, in French, 'Quest-ce que c'est?
I am informed that you are brokenhearted
And I've come to make a cardiac arrest
Quasimodo was put in la nick
And he died that night in his cell;
His will to live had been taken away
And his sinuses weren't very well.

Author: Les Barker.


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Subject: ADD: Wild Major (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:31 PM

Thread #7782   Message #54932
Posted By: Wolfgang
20-Jan-99 - 03:27 PM
Thread Name: Alternative words for the Wild Rover??
Subject: Lyr Add: WILD MAJOR (Les Barker)

Here's a parody by Les Barker:

WILD MAJOR

I've been John Major for many a year;
Don't know where I'm going and talk through my rear;
I have my advisors; there's Kenneth and Chris;
I know my own mind, but not where it is.

CHO: No yes maybe
No yes maybe no what?
I think I'm John Major
Or maybe I'm not.

Not at this moment; not in this form;
Maybe in the future; you'd better ask Norm.
In the fullness of time; when I judge it right;
I might if I have to; but no, not tonight. CHO.

The leaders of Europe sit in conference;
The others have armchairs; I have the fence.
Delors is dismayed at the way I demur;
They all understand me; I always say "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." CHO.

I get quite upset when they say that I'm grey;
I've got half a mind... but then that's what they say
I will not be pushed you won't shake my resolve;
I know the way forward-, I'm going to revolve. CHO.

Wolfgang


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Subject: ADD: The Turn of the Road (Les Barker)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 23 - 11:36 PM

Thread #4408   Message #25367
Posted By: Barbara
07-Apr-98 - 12:27 PM
Thread Name: Lyr Req: Turn of the Road (from June Tabor)
Subject: ADD: The Turn of the Road (Les Barker)

Here's the words; I'm working on the tune; got the MIDI file, and downloaded program, so...soon...
Barb

THE TURN OF THE ROAD
(Les Barker)

Will you walk with me beyond the road's turning,
Where day takes the valley that leads into night?
Love, will you walk with me all through my journey,
Or only till the light?

Believe me, I need you. Don't think of leaving.
This evening, your love lights the way to the dawn.
Don't leave me here now. You've got me believing
Tomorrow I'll wake newborn.

If you love me as I love you,
Who cares how dark the night may appear?
If you love me as I love you,
I will know no fear.

The signs on the road are just there to mislead you.
At times I've misread them though I was so wise.
The turn of the road, my love, that's where I need you.
Tears always blind my eyes.

[Repeat first verse.]

Love, will you hold me through all my life's evenings?
Love, will you take the road right to the end?
I've never had someone I can believe in,
Forever, my lover, my friend.


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