BS: I am The Chair!

Subject: BS: I am The Chair!
From: GUEST,The Chair
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:26 PM

I am the chair that refused to talk to Neil Diamond back in 1971. I refused because he was such a pretentious, self-absorbed putz! I could see he was in one of those dark moods again, all morose and wrapped up in self-pity, and I wasn't in a mood to encourage it. "I am!" he cried. To one one there. Except me, the Chair. Neil was actually sitting on me at the time, strumming his guitar fretfully, between scribbling down more angst-ridden lyrics. "I am!" he cried again. I, the Chair, maintained my stony silence. "And I am lost!" Neil went on. "And...and I don't even know why!"

"God, that's good..." he muttered, scribbling it down in his little book. "This is gonna make me millions. Bored housewives all across America can relate to this one!"

I could see Neil was getting excited. Good. Maybe he'd get up off me and go out or something. One can always hope.

No such luck. He spent another hour polishing the lyrics, and he made a point of focusing on the fact that he couldn't get a word out of ME. I refused to be moved or manipulated. I never said a thing to Neil. I was onto his little game.

Well, that was many years ago. I have been sat upon by hundreds of people since, good bad and indifferent, some even more annoying than Neil, but I have not compromised my right to be what I am. A chair.

A chair that speaks when he's bloody well ready to and not a moment sooner!

Now you know. After all these years, The Chair has spoken.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Jeri
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:32 PM

Did William Shatner record it? It's right up his alley.

Listen - just between you and me, I think you did the right thing. Imagine what the song would have been like if you'd answered him...

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: GUEST,The Chair
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:38 PM

I've heard of this Shatner character. I hope to God HE never sits on me, because I might not survive that experience with my sanity or basic structure intact!

You make an interesting point, Jeri. Perhaps I was wise not to give Neil a piece of my mind at the time. It might just have made things worse.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: GUEST,Spock
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:47 PM

Though I have never performed a mind-meld on an inanimate object, perhaps it might be an especially fascinating exercise in the interests of science. One Leonard Nimmoy has attempted to disprove my existence, but I know I am as real as this chair, and my words are every bit as important. So if we were to share a mental communion ...

Live long and prosper,
Spock

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Bobert
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:20 PM

If this is a Shatner thread then so be it and I will have once again stepped into it... well not exactly it but....

Nevermind...

As I was reading this i was thinking less about Neil Diamond, who I have this image of as a man who has always been in control, but one of his contemporaries, Dion...

Back in '96 I was in Brooklyn satying with a guy who oned a recording studio. I was there with my late wife, who was related to this guy with the studio, and he and his wife werre gracious enough to put us up while I while I got down a couple songs...

...but I remember picking up this book whcih Dion that Dion had written and signed and dated to this guy. Dion had been in the same srudio just a month earlier and the book was about Dion's life and, well, sniff.... It reminded me of the vulnerabilities that are found in the opening post in this thread...

Nevermind...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Once Famous
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:25 PM

Mr. Chair

As many times as you have claimed to have been sat in, have you ever comprehended how many people have pummelled a ripe one directly in to you?

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: number 6
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:31 PM

HuH ?

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:34 PM

I would like to hear William Shatner sing Neil Diamond's chair song.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Jim Tailor
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:42 PM

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king and then became one? Well, except for the names and a few other changes you could talk about me. The story's the same one.

Dave Barry called. He wants to talk about copyright infringement.

Nice writing (bruce?)

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:43 PM

I myself would like to hear the chair sing William Shatner's Neil Diamond song.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Jim Tailor
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:45 PM

Dave Barry's take.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:55 PM

"I Am I Said" is so perfect for William Shatner that I simply can't fathom why he has not covered it yet.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:02 PM

Just think about it though. All those opportunities for dramatic pauses...

I am...

.

.

I said...

.

.

tonoonethere...

.

.

And no one...

.

heard...

.

.

noteventhe...

.

.

.

CHAIR.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:07 PM

God, YES! It just resonates Shatner, from beginning to end.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Teresa
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:15 PM

Darn, I wish I were the same gender and could imitate him! It would be so much fun! LOL!

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:27 PM

I AM... I SAID

Written by Neil Diamond

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
I you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

1971 Prophet Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Now just hear it done by Shatner...

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:38 PM

What I've never understood is why, if LA wasn't home and he couldn't go back to his home in NY, he didn't split the difference and move to, oh, say, South Dakota? Or Kansas? I'm certain you can find chairs in both places.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:47 PM

But not chairs that listen!

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Teresa
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:57 PM

That article by Dave barry was funny. The winner of the "bad song contest" was "McArthur Park". Well, when I heard it as a little kid, I thought it was cool that grownups made up songs that didn't make sense, because that was what I did all the time. :) I actually heard an interview on the radio with the guy who wrote it (I don't remember his name) and he said he was basically doing a lot of free-association things with it ... of course; no surprises there. So in an odd way, I liked it.

The same way I'd like Shatner doing "I Am, I Said". :)

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:59 PM

I also like McArthur Park. It's fun to listen to. Soooo dramatic.

Shatner oughta do both of 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:12 PM

Well, really, can you imagine a chair that could hear? Where would you want the ears to be?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:13 PM

I don't know, Teresa. Being not the same gender and imitating him might be even more amusing than being the same gender and imitating him. If you try it, let us know how it goes, ok?

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:21 PM

Dave Barry definitely gets an honorary Mudcat membership!

If you didn't already do it, go back up-page and click on Jim Tailor's "Dave Barry's Take" link.

I would crawl to Miami and lick the man's shoes if it would help my writing be half that funny.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Teresa
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:31 PM

LOL! Hmmm, interesting idea. Meanwhile, there's always this ;)

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: robomatic
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:42 PM

The miracles of the modern age.
Nowe we got a chair with internet access . . .

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: GUEST,the spatula
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 12:26 AM

My friend the chair,

Don't feel bad. I was never even mentioned in the song. Of course, according to a rhyming dictionary, there are no rhymes for me. [sniff] Perhaps the song should be in Finnish? Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Jim Tailor
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 06:27 AM

Aw, c'mon now, Bee-dubya-ell! No need to crawl. My guess is that you're a better writer than Dave Barry is guitar player!



You're back early. Date with Mary Richards didn't go well?

No. Seems we're not going to make it after all.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 11:43 AM

Spatula rhymes with "flatula".

Everybody knows what a flatula is.

There once was a Rubbermaid spatula
Who married a bean-eating flatula
Whose personal habits
He learned from some rabbits
While coping with life as a bachela...

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 11:52 AM

LOL! Lovely. We need more limericks.

I just went to that link above and watched the entire video of the Shatner rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man" in the early 70's. Un-fecking be-LEEV-able! Bill was beside himself when he did that one. No, really, you've GOT to see it...

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Teresa
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 12:41 PM

LOL! CarolC!

Indeed, Bill the shatner was in throes of ... er, well, you can call it ecstasy. :)

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 01:21 PM

The title of this thread reminds me of a Broadway reviewer's brief but pointed critique.

"Saw 'I Am a Camera' last night. No Leica."

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 04:09 PM

It turns out that the chair really WAS listening to Neil Diamond, but didn't own up to it at the time. Neil was unaware that he had the chair's full attention. It seems kind of sad when you think about it...

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Jim Tailor
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 05:39 PM

Y'know what I wish? Do you care? *smile*

I wish that this kind of post wasn't categorized as "BS". It is music -- it's based on a pretty okay sense of music trivia. Yeah, i't probably derivative (I bet most people my age have read Dave Barry's take) yet still idiosyncratic in its point of view (it's just as likely whoever "the Chair" is never read Barry).

Anyway, this kind of music-based (as opposed to "spatula-based") BS I find to be VERY entertaining (not that "spatula-based" humor isn't) and if I thought this kind of stuff would appear "above the line" I'd fix my preferences so that my mudcat wouldn't get "below the line".

Y'know, above the line is dryer than it needs to be. I love music based BS and humor and creative writing -- like that old chain story about a travelling guitar would be above the line BS but the chain story about being lost in the Himalayas (help me out here -- there was a chain story about that some time back wasn't there?) would be below the line BS.

just bitchin.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 10:38 PM

+There used to be a series of articles in Readers Digest. i am John's tongue. I am john s kidneys

then there was I am a rock - which I learned.

Luckily John never did anything that would have outraged or entertained middle America with his tongue - at least he never let on.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Ron Davies
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 11:40 PM

Actually Mr. Chair, it might be too bad you didn't give Neil a piece of your mind. Then he would have had at least a fragment of a mind, which might have improved his musical output. Or maybe not. Maybe to achieve what he achieved he was better off without. Just a thought.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Teresa
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 11:54 PM

Ok, thread creep, Jim but one of my favorite musical BS threads, if you will is the following: Time machine May Offer New Evidence

Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: LadyJean
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 11:56 PM

Hey Chair!
My back hurts from hauling one of your relatives up the stairs today. It had twice as many legs as I do. But it wouldn't climb the stairs.

A yam! I cried. A yam! said I.

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Feb 05 - 03:44 PM

Perhaps ALL the furniture is listening to us ALL the time. A scary thought. This could advance the whole approach to investigating crime. What if one could get the Couch to talk? What tales could the Queen Size Bed in Condoleeza Rice's penthouse tell? What would Bill Clinton's settee reveal in a candid interview????

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: Don Firth
Date: 05 Feb 05 - 03:53 PM

Of course furniture talks. Haven't you ever received a memo that starts out, "From the desk of. . . ?"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: JennyO
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 09:51 AM

I've chaired a few meetings. Does that count? They even called me Madame Chair.

Then there was that movie "The Bedsitting Room" where people turned into all sorts of things. Lord Fortnum turned into a bedsitting room, and somebody else turned into a wardrobe. Anything's possible :-)

Subject: RE: BS: I am The Chair!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 11:50 AM

First Neil sang about wanting to be A Solitary Man. Well, that solitude must have gotten to him and he started talking to the furniture and complaining that it didn't answer. Clearly, the solitude affected him in a bad way. I would suggest he move to somewhere remote, not South Dakota as mentioned above, but somewhere Canadian, like Ellsemere Island, and he can shout "I am" to his hearts content, and if he starts to imagine that inanimate objects are hearing him, fine. If he becomes dangerous, the chances that he'll meet anyone are pretty slim.