BS: Anti Lawyer jokes

Subject: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: JulieF
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 04:38 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Having been slightly disappointed with the response to my anti- true love thread I am now looking for anti-lawyer jokes for my friend. So fire away please.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 04:43 AM

True story:

Friend was buying house in built up area - tarmac and concrete - no streams no grass. Weeks went by, and he asked the lawyer what was the delay. The reply was that there was ggod news and bad news - good news - the lawyer had obtained fishing rights. Bad news - grazing rights were proving very difficult.

My friend said that he would waive grazing rights. Lawyer relieved; deal done.

Stu

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,ragdall
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:41 AM

This site is dedicated to lawyer jokes:
http://www.lawyer-jokes.us/
Is that the sort of thing that you are looking for?

rags

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:57 AM

I don't find one damned thing funny about lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: JulieF
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:06 AM

Brucie

Neither does my friend at the momment - that's the whole point.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:59 AM

Hang all the lawyers.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Weasel Books
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 07:03 AM

This is not really an anti-lawyer joke, but had to go into their office to drop off a final payment for something (basicaly legal theft, due to a screwey system they & the banks here have, much too long to go into) and in their office there is a very large and conspicuous oil-painting of a barrister bringing some poor soul, with armed guards behind, to be condemmed in front of what appears to be Judge Jeffries!
Very discomfitting you may well imagine!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 08:46 AM

A drunk stands up in a bar and yells our, "All lawyers are assholes."

On the othe side of the room, another drunk stands up and yells, "Hey, I resent that!."

The first drunk yells back, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The other guy answers, "No....I'm an asshole."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 08:47 AM

Why do lawyers wear neckties?


To keep the foreskin from creeping up over their faces.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 08:49 AM

This is true. There are two guys who hang around the courthouse in New Haven, CT telling these kinds of jokes. (D'ya think they got screwed somewhere along the way?) Well, you can guess what has happened....a lawyer overheard them and has filed a defamation suit against them. Perfect!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Bill the Collie
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM

My auntie Laura jokes all the time

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: jacqui.c
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:19 AM

You've got Hitler, Attila the Hun and a lawyer all in one room. You've got a gun with two bullets. What do you do?




















Shoot the lawyer twice.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:39 AM

What do you have if you have 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A good start!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Charley Noble
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:44 AM

Here's another new verse to a traditional drinking song:

The next came in was an attorney,
Who'd returned from an arduous journey,
Who'd returned from an arduous journey,
For to join in the jovial crew;
He'd traveled the whole wide world around,
He'd searched through cities, he'd searched
through towns,
There was no justice to be found -
When Jones' Ale was new, me boys!
When Jones' Ale was new!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 12:04 PM

God phoned down to Hell to check up on things.

G: How's it going, Satan?

S: Excellent.

G: Excellent? That can't be right.

S: Since you sent that plumber it's just great down here. He's fixed the radiators so we can control the heat; he rigged up an air conditioner so we can cool off; he got the pump going in the ventilation shaft so we've got sweet air again, and he unblocked the drainage so all the toilets are working.

G: A plumber? I would never send a plumber. A plumber is the LAST person I'd send. It has to be an administrative cock-up. You have to return him.

S: No way.

G: Then I'll sue.

S: Oh yeah? Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?

biddum! chuuuuuurrrrr...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnomad
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:21 PM

Guest, Mrr

A good start, but you need more sand too (or an incoming tide) 8~)

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:43 PM

Okay, why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and Washington, D.C. all the lawyers?





















New Jersey won the coin flip and got to pick first...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:12 PM

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny.....
            .
             .
                .
                  .
                   .
                      . AND NOBODY ELSE THINKS THEY'RE JOKES.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Pauline L
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:13 PM

Definition of a lawyer: someone who gets what's coming to you.

Q: A lawyer was thrown overboard in water full of man eating sharks, but he swam to shore safely. How? A: Professional courtesy.

God and the Devil were having a dispute about the boundary between Heaven and Hell. The Devil said, "I'll have my chief counsel draft a legal agreement and send it to you in 30 days. You have 30 days in which to respond." God received the document, and 30 days later, he sent the Devil a message. "Sorry. I can not reply within 30 days. I am unable to locate an atterney."

This one is true. The Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington DC sells cards, pens, T shirts, and sweatshirts with quotes from Shakespeare on them. My favorite is "First thing we'll do, we'll kill all the lawyers." The staff there says that items with this quote sell the fastest of any they carry, and it's hard to keep them in stock.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 12:31 AM

What can a goose do that a duck can't do, and a lawyer should do?














Shove his bill up his ass!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: darkriver
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 03:48 AM

The devil materializes in front of a lawyer, working late in his office.

"Here's the deal," quoth Satan. "I can get you a full partnership and that corner office you've always wanted.

"In addition, your new secretary will be a fantastic secretary AND also stacked, fun-loving, and amoral.

"Finally, you'll live to be 103 years old, everyone will love you, and Harvard Law will endow a chair in your name.

"All I ask for in return is that your soul, plus the souls of your wife and all your children, burn in hell forever.

"So whaddaya say? We have a deal?"

The lawyer rubs his jaw.

"What's the catch?" he asks.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 10:36 AM

So this older lawyer and a younger lawyer were sitting at a bar eyeing some attractive young women. "Let's run over and screw some of them", says the younger one. And the older one replies," Out of what?"


or



The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that a rooster clucks defiance.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 12:02 PM

There's no difference between a lawyer and a rooster.

They are both cocks.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 01:17 PM

Dick's joke about the older and younger lawyers at the bar has to be an offspring of this old farm joke. You have the old bull and the young bull appraising a herd of cows below in the pasture. Says the young bull "Let's run down and screw some of them." Says the old bull "Let's walk down and screw them all!"

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 01:20 PM

Know what's more expensive than a good lawyer?
Not having one!



The man was accused of murder, and was facing a death penalty. Being a businessman to the bone, he called several attorneys and got bids for his defense. Finally, he called the woman who was supposed to be the best defense attorney in the country. She quoted him a figure, and he replied, "WHAT!! Why, your competitor quoted me a price that was half of yours!! Why in the world should I pay what you want?!?!"

"Well," she responded, "take his offer. Why, you won't even have to pay the bill."

"What do you mean, 'I won't even have to pay the bill'?"

"Your heirs will," she answered.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 01:32 PM

Charley-
You got it. It's not nearly as funny if you haven't heard the older joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 11:04 AM

What's different between a dog dead in the middle of the road and a lawyer dead in the middle of the road?















There are skid marks in front of the dog

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 10:21 PM

LOL! What a great thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,LdayJean
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 11:29 PM

I should start by saying that 1 great grandfather, both my grandfathers, my father were lawyers, as is my sister. Then there was great uncle William B. McFall, great great uncle Harry, and Cousin Miriam Romaine.

I heard this joke from my sister.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance.




(And a lawyer....de clients)

I should mention that all the attorneys in my family were honest men except for my sister, cousin Miriam, and great great uncle Harry.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 13 Feb 05 - 01:31 PM

My goodness. Has Mudcat had a return of a sense of humor? I put a lawyer joke in a thread a couple of years ago and I thought Mudchick or whatever his name is was gonna have a bird. Times change....

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Nick
Date: 13 Feb 05 - 02:30 PM

Do old urban legends count?

Lawyer Story

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

+++++++++++++

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $100."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $100.

The blonde politely takes the $100 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:45 AM

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


















How many can you afford?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:14 AM

Do lawyers have to take ethics courses as part of their education? Serious question here.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:18 AM

It's NOT a joke, FYI.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:19 AM

Of course. How would they know how to get around the laws regarding ethics if they didn't.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:29 AM

how do you tell a lawyer is lying?





His lips are moving.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:58 AM

Do they have to pass the ethics courss?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 01:37 PM

Can we do plumbers now please?

Or bank managers, are there any honest and decent ones of those?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bert
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 02:43 PM

How about Pharmacists.

I KNOW that they have classes in going slow at Pharmacy school.
It takes them half an hour to serve three customers and then you'd damn well better check your prescription to make sure they got it right.

Now compare that with bank tellers who serve thre customers a minute and NEVER make mistakes.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 02:52 PM

Banks got lotsa lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,steve baughman, esq.
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:29 PM

The problem with lawyer jokes is that they instill in the public a belief that the legal profession is evil. In fact, the only thing standing between your freedom and John Ashcroft's tyranny is defense lawyers. Why do we think auto manufacturers try so hard to make their cars safe? Cos they love the public safety? No, because they'll get their asses sued off by the plaintiff's bar if they skimp on safety. Examples abound.

Lawyer jokes subtly serve the interests of the police, the insurance industry and corporations. Enjoy the jokes, but recognize their pernicious effects.

Respectfully yours,
steve baughman
attorney at law

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bert
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:30 PM

Well said Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Pauline L
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:36 PM

Gnu, thanks for the laughs. I laughed harder at your post than at any of the others. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 12:28 AM

Father and son are walking through a cemetary. Son sees an epitaph, "Here lies John Smith, Attorny at Law and an Honest Man."

Son turns to father and asks, "What does that mean, pop?"

Father turns back to son and replies, "I don't know, son, there must be two guys down there."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 12:35 AM

Steve, you're right concerning defense lawyers. It has usually been lawyers who've taken the 'giant' corporations to court for things they've done wrong. Nader's Raiders did wonders for the improved safety of automobiles. Of course, big companies can out-spend individuals, and maybe that's where the flaw in the system really is. The ACLU has proved its worth, and the driving force there is lawyers. Hat's off to you, but that ain't gonna stop the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: jacqui.c
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 12:16 PM

As with everything in life there are good lawyers and bad lawyers. I saw quite a few of the latter when working as an injury claims negotiator - believe me, some of those guys wouldn't have been able to spell ethical, let alone behave in that way.

By the same token there are mother-in-law jokes, Blonde jokes, jokes about banjo players and various national stereotypes. Where do we draw the line at the type of person you can poke fun at? I think that we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves and take with a large pinch of salt the jokes made about our own particular type.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 02:40 PM

Steve and Bert,

You're right in all the things you say lawyers do. You can't, however, ignore the other side of the coin. It's lawyers who have created the litigious "blame somebody" mentality that has run insurance rates to astronomical levels. It's lawyers who have made it difficult or impossible for schools to take kids on field trips (parents are afraid to have the little darlings in their cars) and companies charging their customers the millions they have to spend protecting themselves from frivolous lawsuits.

We had a case here in Windsor in which a young German man, living illegally in Canada because he had overstayed his visa by months, went to the birthday party of a coworker at the pizza place where he worked. The party, which started late at night after the pizza joint closed, was held in a city park beside the Detroit River. The "victim" proceeded to get roaring drunk and obnoxious, then walked out on a small pier, climbed up on the railing, ignored the No Diving sign and dived into the shallow water. He hit bottom, broke his neck and wound up a quadraplegic. One of the most high-profile lawyers in Canada took his case to court claiming his coworkers were negligent for not stopping him and the city was negligent for not erecting better barriers.

I — and I'd venture a lot of other people — will have a lot more respect for your profession when you guys rein in the jerks who file that kind of lawsuit. And need I mention the stupid woman who put a cup of coffee in her lap and then sued McDonald's because it was hot?

I spent years covering courts for newspaper and I knew a lot of lawyers. Like any other profession, there are some great people and there are lots of sleazy shits. I think a little better policing by the bar assocations might go a long way toward improving lawers' public image.

cheers,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnu
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 04:34 PM

Steve... c'mon man. A joke is a joke. Nobody really believes the "evil" you speak of. Except when you use words like "pernicious". Just cause you can afford a fancy dickshonary, or one a them theeosoreasses.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 07:28 PM

Er - DDW - I think you will find that the fault there is that of the court, or juries, or, where there is a legal aid system, the legal aid system.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 08:04 PM

The point about the Maccas coffee is that despite having been advised that it was too hot and possibly dangerous if it was spilt, they insisted on serving it at that temperature in insulated cups at the drive by.

Now more jokes please...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 08:06 PM

I wholeheartedly disagree, Richard.

While juries have awarded ridiculous damage claims in many lawsuits (most of which are reduced either on the judge or on appeal), the blame has to rest with the lawyers who take such obvious cases of "injury by misadventure" and try to lay the blame on others, strictly to make money, to try to make new law and for the publicity a really bizarre case always generates.

The case I cited was a non-jury trial and the suit was thrown out by the judge. I lay the blame directly at the feet of the lawyer who filed and argued the case. If he hadn't been a greedy egomaniac, he would have told the jerk "tough shit" and refused to waste his and everyone else's time and money. The law is clear on the fact that drunkenness is not a mitigating factor in any number of crimes (on the premise that no one made the accused drink to start with). So why, then, should a drunk who exercised VERY bad judgment be allowed to argue in a civil case that someone else is responsible for what happened to him?

How you can blame the legal aid system, I don't know. I think legal aid is a necessity for people who can't afford to defend themselves in criminal matters or who have legitimate claims against other parties. It's at the mercy of the lawyers who file the suits because it's not in a position to judge whether it's justified until AFTER the trial and court's ruling.

I stand by my claim that greedy and/or unscrupulous lawyers have severely curtailed everyone's quality of life by fostering such a litigious society just so they can line their pockets, either directly or thru the publicity a sensational trial generates.

cheers,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 08:15 PM

Foolestroupe, correct me if I'm wrong, but my recollection is that the woman put the cup between her legs. How damned stupid does somebody have to be before a reasonable person can say "it's not her fault"? Coffee is SUPPOSED to be hot. And most intelligent people won't put it between their legs in moving cars.

Sorry, I think she should have been given a tube of salve for the burn and told to get over it.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I think people should take a little responsibility for themselves.

cheers,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 08:51 PM

1: Who hasn't spilled hot coffee on themself, either unavoidably or in a moment of stupidity?
2: When you spill hot coffee on yourself, you generally get discomfort or a very minor burn.
3: McDonalds had been warned repeatedly about coffee so hot it was a serious hazard.
4: The lady may have done something stupid, but the #@%^& coffee was so hot she had to have major skin grafts.

There are a lot of extreme examples of large awards to people who didn't deserve a red cent for taking up the courts time; it's too bad that this case is constantly cited as a prime example.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 09:33 PM

Here is a link to an older Lawyer jokes thread.

The UK view of lawyers is not that they are distinguished by being grasping and unscrupulous, but that the bewigged section of the legal profession i.e. barristers and judges, are stuffy, exclusive, assured of an easy living for life and drawn almost exclusively from a privileged and almost hereditary caste. This view may have held true almost until the end of the 1980's, when various Royal Commissions pointed out the rather narrow range of backgrounds of top barristers and judges.

As far as humour goes, their perceived prejudice in favour of "the old school tie" led to such memorable skits as Peter Cook's sketch, "Entirely a matter for you", which featured in the 1978 Amnesty International revue, "The Secret Policeman's Ball".

As regards their lifelong tenure and career in the Old Bailey and other courts, one need read no further than John Mortimer's "Rumpole" books. (Mortimer himself is a Q.C. or Queen's Counsel. This honour on the one hand recognises him as one of the most highly skilled advocates. On the other, the process by which it is granted is itself a matter of approval by the stuffier or more conservative senior members of the bar.)


My own lawyer jokes come from far lower down the legal pecking order. A man accused of some petty crime is being questioned at a Police Station. His solicitor (or "brief") is present.

Police Officer Well, Fatty my son, it appears that you are well in the frame for this one. An eye-witness saw a suspect leaving the scene of the crime. The description of him is quote, fat, greasy, slovenly and unshaven. Anything to say to that ?

Solicitor I would point out that my client is smartly dressed, well turned-out, clean shaven and of average build. Or at least he will be, by the time this goes before a jury.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bert
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 11:36 PM

ddw, it isn't the lawyers that are the problem it is their clients. Lawyers rarely sue anyone alone. The almost always have a client with a real or imagined grievance.

And yes coffee is supposed to be hot, but we've all spilled coffee on ourselves at one time or another without having to have to resort to plastic surgery. If you too had been severely burned by something that should be cool enough to drink then perhaps you might have a different perspective.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: JulieF
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:11 AM

Come now get back to the jokes. This is the most successful thread I've ever started.   

The reason I launched the thread was to get jokes for a friend who's view of lawyers may not be completely unbiased at the moment. And its fair to say its a stage that quite a lot of people may have been through. One of my best friends was a lawyer but she had to retire as she got too emotionally involved.

If you want to have a go at something else. Have a go at me.   Middle aged scottish computer analyst folk singer.   The must be some humour in there somewhere.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:56 AM

Naaaah! Not funny at all. Too common these days, especially here...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 05:14 AM

Going to the stupid woman who burnt herself with hot coffee. SHE KNEW IT WAS HOT! She should know not to drink coffe whilst driving. and certainly not to put a cup of Hot liquid between her legs whilst driving .Her own Stupid Fault1

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 05:17 AM

The only reason car manufacturers make cars "safe" is so the can sell more. Who would buy a car know to be dangeroues. So it all comes down to MONEY AND GREED . Same goes with Lawyers all they want is their big fat fee.It does not matter to them if their client is guilty.This is NOT JUSTICE it is just GREED.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: MudGuard
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 05:18 AM

There's a man travelling in a hot air balloon. It gets foggy, his GPS runs out of battery, he gets lost. When the fog finally lifts, he sees a great plane with just one single person on it.
He lowers the balloon almost to the ground and when within calling distance, calls to the man:
"My GPS has run out of battery, can you please tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground answers:
"You are in the basket of a hot air balloon, about 10 feet off the ground!"

The man in the balloon:
"You F***ing bastard! Because of you I won't find the way home!"
And after a short pause he adds:
"You must be a mathematician!"

The man on the ground:
"Yes, you are right. How did you know?"

Man in Balloon:
"Your answer was absolutely correct - and absolutely useless!"

Mathematician:
"And you must be a lawyer!"

Man in Balloon:
"Yes - how do you know?"

Mathematician:
"You got lost because you did not bring enough batteries for your GPS. You asked me a question which I correctly answered - and then suddenly you blame me that you are lost!"

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Midchuck
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 10:57 AM

No need to hang all the lawyers. I'm very well hung already...

(Have to quit this quick. My nose is growing fast and I won't be able to get near enough to the screen to read what I'm typing much longer.)

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Elfcall
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 11:18 AM

I love anti lawyer jokes - however I do work for a law centre in one of the poorest London Boroughs where our solicitors give their advice completely free of charge and are not paid the salaries that they could earn in the City- Some lawyers do have a social conscience - not many but some !

A barrister is cross examining

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Elfcall

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 11:43 AM

cartoon from way back (think 200 years at least)

two farmers one tugging a cow's tail, the other the ring through it's nose. The lawyer is sitting at the milking stool.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 12:01 PM

Noddy - she wasn't driving, she was sitting in the parking lot. She steadied the cup between her legs and when it spilled, it caused such burns as to require over 8 surgeries. This is not your parents' hot coffee, which would have been merely inconvenient. This was actually, really, dangerous. Not that she wasn't an idiot, but the penalty for spilling coffee is supposed to be a dry-cleaner's bill, not 8 major surgeries to rebuild her twat which was completely cooked, not slightly burned.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 12:50 PM

If excessive damages were not awarded, clients would not wish lawyers to pursue silly claims, and lawyers would have to charge the clients for doing so, so silly claims would only be pursued by the rich.

Alternatively, if legal aid were not awarded for pursuing silly claims, then lawyers would have to charge the clients for doing so, so silly claims would only be pursued by the rich.

Lawyers are not supposed to advise clients "it is not just to pursue your claim" but "it is/is not probably cost effective to pursue your claim".

Plenty lawyers take "pro bono" cases, for no or little fee, because they think it is their duty to do so.


And, re MacDonalds, the US law of contributory negligence must differ substantially from the UK law on the same topic.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:04 PM

Oddly, talking of McDonalds; the European Court of Human Rights has just found that the "McLibel Two" were deprived of their rights by the UK legal system, as it relates to the laws of defamation.

Click here for the Guardian story

In essence, two protesters handed out leaflets which McDonalds claimed were libellous. McDonalds issued a press release which the two protesters in turn claimed libelled them. So, they went to court, but rather obviously, a multinational corporation versus two unemployed laymen is a rather unequal contest.

Legal aid is not available in defamation cases in Britain. Supposedly this is to prevent it being too easy to launch frivolous lawsuits, but obviously it allows the rich and greedy to bully the poor and honest in the courts.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:28 PM

Firm names : Dooey Screwem and Howe. Pluckem Fuckem and Chuckem.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 06:51 PM

Actual firm name - Argue and Phibbs

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 07:12 PM

Bert, I understand your argument, but in the larger picture I think it was the rise of "ambulance chasing" lawyers and lawyers' advertising that put the idea in people's heads. Every time I see a TV ad for Sam Bernstein's Detroit-area law practise I just about puke. What they basically say is "No matter what's happened to you, Sam will get you every dime to which you're entitled." You think constant broadcast of that isn't going to raise the "somebody's fault" mentality in the general population? And then there will always be some sleazy lawyer who will tell anybody he has a claim just to get billable hours. If those sleazeballs would stop, so would the frivolous lawsuits.

cheers,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: mack/misophist
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 12:02 AM

In Re: Silly Lawsuits

Let's not forget the pre trial judges who, in the ad limine protions, have the power to toss such suits out. But usually don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: LadyJean
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 12:41 AM

J.R. Weldin's a local stationers had a 19 year old gray cat, named Smokey, who spent most of his time sitting by the cash register, resting up between naps.
One day a woman claimed he'd scratched her wrist, and it had left a scar, which required plastic surgery. She sued the store.
Smokey became a cause celebre. He got a write up in people magazine, and the store doubled their business.
The case came to trial, and the judge threw it out of court.
Smokey's defense fund, to which I was a contributor, went to a local animal charity. He enjoyed celebrity status for the remainder of his fuzzy life, which wasn't long. I was scratched by his successor, a tabby named Phineas Fogge. But I was liable. I was tickling his tummy.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 01:20 AM

I wonder how long this thread would have got to if it had been entitled, "Pro Lawyer Jokes".

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 08:29 PM

Dunno, Brucie. After that as a first joke, I don't think anybody would have tried to top it.

cheers,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 08:44 PM

I understand from friends that people sue much less often in Canada because there is no contingency. I don't know if this is true or not, but it sure does reek of common sense to me. Oh silly me...common sense has no place in a court of law - I speak from first hand experience.

I remember seeing a story some years ago about a ladder manufacturer who was being sued out of business. A guy placed the feet of the ladder in manure and it slipped when he climbed it. His claim was there was no lable on the ladder telling him NOT to put the feet in manure. Taking a page from Lazlo Toth, maybe I will sue Mr. Bubble for mental cruelty because I have been going crazy since I bought the product trying to figure out just how to use it - it says on the box, "Keep Dry."

dw

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnu
Date: 18 Feb 05 - 02:39 PM

In Canada it's getting to be pretty much the same as in the US. My buddy is being sued to the tune of $120,000 after his son hit a car with a three wheeler ATV. Complete fabrication on the part of the plaintiff, a passenger in the car, as to the injuries and resulting suffering, loss of income, etc. The defense has her caught in over a dozen lies, including video tape of her at activities which go way beyond what she has atteseted to NOT being able to do as a result of the accident. Not the first time she's been involved in trying to dupe an insurance company either. Apparently, she will get about a third of the amount, just to shut her up. Sad, but true.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: jacqui.c
Date: 18 Feb 05 - 06:24 PM

England and Wales now have contigency fees for injury litigation, as well as allowing solicitors to advertise. This, in my experience, has increased the number of claims, particularly in motor cases. However, there are rules on the amount that can be claimed in legal fees, although these rules do encourage solicitors to try and inflate the value of any given claim, in order to increase their fees.

Quite often it is cheaper for an insurance company to pay off a claimant, even if they suspect that the claim may be false to some degree, because of the cost of defence. It is not unknown for a case to be taken into court with what is thought to be a water tight defence only to have the claim agreed for the plaintiff on what appear to be very spurious grounds - this happened to me when I was handling these sort of claims. It really sticks in the craw to pay out on that type of claim but the economics of the court system make it inevitable that it happens.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,steve baughman
Date: 27 May 05 - 11:22 PM

Let us all keep in mind that before someone can win big dollars in a lawsuit they must persuade a jury of the reasonableness of their claim. (Unless the case settles, and few defendants in their right minds will pay big $$$ out on ridiculous claims.) Before that the lawyer bringing the case has to get through demurers, summary judgement motions, motions for non-suit and, if you bring a frivolous case and lose, client AND lawyer can be sued for malicious prosecution. Losers also pay court costs in many U.S. states.

The McDonald's case is a fine example of public ignorance. Sorry it pervades Mudcat. That case involved wilful disregard of a dangerous condition. Mc had been warned that people who bought coffee at their drive-thrus were being burned. They were advised to lower their coffee temperature substantially. They refused because hot coffee meant bigger bucks for the corporation.

The jury (12 people selected by BOTH sides) was so pissed that it ordered Mc to pay TWO DAYS COFFEE REVENUE as punitive damages, a very reasonable decision.

The mainstream press did not report the details. Only the legal press was responsible in covering this case. We all now are doomed to spend the rest of our lives hearing about the McDonald's Coffee Case as a prime example of an out of control legal system. Nonsense. The 12 jurors who know more about the case than any of us ever will felt they were doing the right thing. I'd bet that most informed people would agree. Sadly, we're in the minority.

Steve Baughman
(yes, yes, yes, . . . attorney at law)

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: heric
Date: 27 May 05 - 11:33 PM

A lawyer I know took Viagra and got taller.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: jacqui.c
Date: 28 May 05 - 12:15 PM

In most of the UK these cases are heard by a magistrate or judge, not a jury. (The system is different in Scotland)

If a claimant loses his case nowadays the costs are generally met by insurance and I have never heard of anyone there being sued for malicious prosecution. Legal insurers generally insist that a case must be winable before they will agree to carry the cost, but, at the end of the day, the verdict is rendered by one man on the bench and, based on some of the decisions made, they ain't infallible. If the claimant has been badly injured, or can be seen to be vulnerable, or, in one case I was involved in, is an attractive young woman, they have more of a chance of success with the right judge. Cases that seem to be ridiculous on all the evidence have resulted in big payouts to the claimant.

In Scotland the jury system makes it worse - you're looking at twelve people who have no real idea of the workings of the law and who quite often go, in civil cases on the 'there but for the grace of god' principle.

I have had personal experience of solicitors who are quite aware that their clients are bending the truth, to say the least and who still ramrod through the system because they work on the premise that insurers will likely pay out rather than risk the cost of a court case.

Back to the jokes - we were driving past a building today and Kendall told me he owns part of it. When I asked about that he told me it's his lawyer's office. Quite!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 May 05 - 01:48 PM

Jacqui.c said:

Quite often it is cheaper for an insurance company to pay off a claimant, even if they suspect that the claim may be false to some degree, because of the cost of defence.

And it's worse than it appears in what you said.

The insurance company doesn't worry about what they pay out in nuisance value. Why? Because the poor insurance customer is now, with the paid claim in his file, "a poorer risk", so the company raises his premiums!
Not only that! That paid nuisance claim (along with the rest of its ilk) goes into the statistics from which the underwriters compute everybody's insurance rates! The company may actually make money by paying a bad claim!

Conversely, if they deny the claim and get sued, they have big attorneys' fees to pay. Oooh, watch out! The insurance lawyers may defeat the lawuit, and that's bad too! Why? Because now the company is out its costs, but doesn't get the advantages detailed in the preceding paragraph!

Dave Oesterreich