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BS: Broken heart

GUEST,regular catter 14 Feb 05 - 08:08 AM
John O'L 14 Feb 05 - 08:18 AM
Ethan's Granny 14 Feb 05 - 08:20 AM
GUEST,been there too 14 Feb 05 - 08:32 AM
GUEST,regular catter 14 Feb 05 - 08:41 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 08:44 AM
gnu 14 Feb 05 - 08:46 AM
gnu 14 Feb 05 - 08:52 AM
GUEST,regular catter 14 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM
gnu 14 Feb 05 - 09:19 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 09:22 AM
Jeri 14 Feb 05 - 09:24 AM
GUEST,me too 14 Feb 05 - 09:29 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 09:33 AM
GUEST,regular catter 14 Feb 05 - 09:59 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 10:06 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 10:31 AM
Kim C 14 Feb 05 - 10:37 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 10:51 AM
GUEST,donuel 14 Feb 05 - 10:58 AM
SINSULL 14 Feb 05 - 11:15 AM
GUEST,donuel 14 Feb 05 - 11:22 AM
GUEST,regular catter 14 Feb 05 - 11:23 AM
GUEST,donuel 14 Feb 05 - 11:24 AM
GUEST,regular catter 14 Feb 05 - 11:26 AM
pdq 14 Feb 05 - 11:28 AM
SINSULL 14 Feb 05 - 11:30 AM
Amos 14 Feb 05 - 11:45 AM
GUEST 14 Feb 05 - 11:56 AM
Amos 14 Feb 05 - 12:04 PM
M.Ted 14 Feb 05 - 01:08 PM
MBSLynne 14 Feb 05 - 02:41 PM
GUEST,Another T-shirt wearer 14 Feb 05 - 03:20 PM
GUEST,Another T-shirt wearer 14 Feb 05 - 05:18 PM
Once Famous 14 Feb 05 - 05:27 PM
Bobert 14 Feb 05 - 06:31 PM
kendall 14 Feb 05 - 08:25 PM
dianavan 14 Feb 05 - 08:52 PM
Davetnova 15 Feb 05 - 04:04 AM
Kaleea 15 Feb 05 - 04:15 AM
GUEST,Partridge 15 Feb 05 - 11:36 AM
Liz the Squeak 15 Feb 05 - 05:16 PM
gnu 15 Feb 05 - 05:20 PM
skipy 15 Feb 05 - 05:41 PM
GUEST,regular catter 16 Feb 05 - 03:03 AM
Ethan's Granny 16 Feb 05 - 03:15 AM
open mike 16 Feb 05 - 03:43 AM
GUEST,Another one in the boat 16 Feb 05 - 03:53 AM
GUEST,regular catter 16 Feb 05 - 04:01 AM
GUEST,Layah 16 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM
GUEST,Another Regular Catter 16 Feb 05 - 09:24 AM
GUEST,old-timer 16 Feb 05 - 10:52 AM
mg 16 Feb 05 - 01:59 PM
GUEST,Insight 16 Feb 05 - 02:02 PM
Layah 16 Feb 05 - 02:13 PM
GUEST,yet another one with the t shirt 16 Feb 05 - 02:28 PM
GUEST,regular catter 16 Feb 05 - 02:32 PM
GUEST 16 Feb 05 - 02:49 PM
GUEST,Insight 16 Feb 05 - 02:49 PM
open mike 16 Feb 05 - 02:55 PM
GUEST,Wise Arse. 16 Feb 05 - 02:59 PM
John MacKenzie 16 Feb 05 - 03:13 PM
GUEST,Insight 16 Feb 05 - 03:16 PM
GUEST,another regular 16 Feb 05 - 03:20 PM
GUEST 16 Feb 05 - 03:36 PM
gnu 16 Feb 05 - 04:12 PM
Sorcha 16 Feb 05 - 04:16 PM
GUEST,Whiner 16 Feb 05 - 04:18 PM
Once Famous 16 Feb 05 - 04:21 PM
Layah 16 Feb 05 - 04:23 PM
gnu 16 Feb 05 - 04:24 PM
GUEST,Whiner 16 Feb 05 - 04:27 PM
*Laura* 16 Feb 05 - 04:31 PM
GUEST,guest 3.36 16 Feb 05 - 04:31 PM
GUEST,Whiner 16 Feb 05 - 04:33 PM
Teresa 16 Feb 05 - 04:48 PM
Bunnahabhain 16 Feb 05 - 05:36 PM
Hollowfox 16 Feb 05 - 06:24 PM
hilda fish 16 Feb 05 - 10:19 PM
open mike 17 Feb 05 - 12:05 AM
GUEST,regular catter 17 Feb 05 - 02:29 PM
MuddleC 20 Feb 05 - 01:38 PM
GUEST 20 Feb 05 - 02:01 PM
Maryrrf 20 Feb 05 - 05:06 PM
GUEST,regular catter 20 Feb 05 - 05:33 PM
John O'L 20 Feb 05 - 05:54 PM
GUEST,regular catter 20 Feb 05 - 06:00 PM
GUEST,Mr Red 21 Feb 05 - 06:15 AM
GUEST,regular catter 21 Feb 05 - 02:29 PM
GUEST,regular catter 21 Feb 05 - 02:33 PM
mg 21 Feb 05 - 03:32 PM
Layah 21 Feb 05 - 04:15 PM
GUEST,regular catter 22 Feb 05 - 12:12 PM
Amos 22 Feb 05 - 12:25 PM
GUEST,on the deck of the Mary Celeste 10 Nov 05 - 12:21 PM

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Subject: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:08 AM

For reasons that will become obvious, I'm posting un named. I found out this morning that the person I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate, has been seeing someone behind my back. I am shattered. It all started innocently enough, chatting online, exchanging PM's, being helpful to this other person who is going through a marriage break up. Its turned into more than that and they have met. I don't know what to do, I just feel cold, upset and stunned.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: John O'L
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:18 AM

Nothing you can do friend.
Be patient, be civil, be available.
If they come back they come back, and if not, they were never really there anyway
Nothing destroys love faster than jealousy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Ethan's Granny
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:20 AM

Oh sweetheart I sympathise and understand. I was in exactly the same boat as you. I'd got to know someone online, we wrote, phoned, met - not often as we lived miles apart - but for 2 years I thought he was falling in love as deeply as me. I was wrong. It turned out that he was looking for long-distance fun, not committment. He was a cheating bastard and that's what he'd made me because I'm married and was prepared to give everything up for him. I too felt cold, upset and stunned, just like you, and sitting here now at my desk at work, I crying as I do every day because I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe him when he said I was beautiful and that he loved me. I'm going to click "submit" now before I come to my senses, but you and I are not alone. Happy St Valentine's Day - it will get better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,been there too
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:32 AM

I know this story only too well...and it hurts, even now, but the pain eases eventually and the sense of hurt and betrayal get slightly less and eventually you will learn to trust again. Take yourself away from the situation if you can and look after yourself, keep warm, eat regularly, do nice things for yourself, even if you don't feel like it. Do not indulge in revenge, its not worth it


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:41 AM

thank you....I am arranging to go to my folks for a few days. I am young enough to make a fresh start, he isn't...it all mirrors how we first met, I was having probelms with my folks and just after a breakup too. So very hurt and vulnerable at the time. He was in a long distance relationship with someone, not serious, he said and he starte courting me online and with late night phone calls and it was wonderful.
Guest been there too... I don't want revenge I just want to walk away before I get hurt even more


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:44 AM

Well.... Mudcat isn't always good clean fun. Sounds like someone was hunting, here-- for a new "wounded bird" among the pigeons. This has happened at Mudcat before, in various forms. Lesson for us all, isn't it?

Another Regular Catter


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:46 AM

"I don't know what to do, I just feel cold, upset and stunned." CALMLY, confront this person, say what I just quoted and and ask for an explanation of what is going on and what his/her intentions are. The sooner you you do this, the better. Whatever way things work out, the sooner, the better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:52 AM

Never walk away. DON'T leave the marital home, if it is such, even common law co-habitation. DON'T change the locks. DON'T stop communication. DON'T get a lawyer. If any of this is to happen, follow a calm, slow and steady course. Not knowing the details, if you feel you must do any of the above for personal safety reasons, that's a different story and you should do whatever is necessary to protect yourself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM

no its not a dangerous situaton, we are living together but not for much longer, I don't want to be here and its easier for me to pack up and move on and start again. He wants us to remain friends, how can I be freindly to smeone who has broken my heart? I don't understand, we'd even talked about getting married such was the strength of our commitment. I am stunned


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:19 AM

Oh... he's made his intentions known and they don't include you. My sympathies. The sooner you start again, the better. Take off and never look back. As for remaining friends, bullshit. Never speak to him or of him again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:22 AM

They say that when something like this ends, what you need to do is grieve-- not the loss of the person he IS, but the loss of the person you THOUGHT he was. THEN the anger will have a healthy context to kick in.

I would suspect that the "commitment" was never there, and was part of keeping you content in the situation while he hunted his next wounded bird.

This is a time to take a good hard look at how he took you in-- the best indicator of a person's future behavior is their past behavior. He followed his pattern, and has little incentive to change it now or in the future-- there are always people who want to feel taken care of, who are easy prey for this sort. YOU, on the other hand, CAN change your pattern and if you are going to do that, this hurt is a good incentive. Thus a person who has been victimized becomes a non-victim.

Another Regular Catter


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Jeri
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:24 AM

Some people are just users who like controlling others. You can never be sure who anybody is on the internet, can you? Sometimes they affect personas for no other reason than to suck you in.

It shouldn't be too difficult to walk away, once you understand what a small, self-centered, manipulative wanker the person is.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,me too
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:29 AM

I'm yet another who's been there and worn out the tee shirt etc. You just have to ride the storm difficult as this is. You will, however, find out who your true friends are and that they are priceless, even ones that you might never imagine to be that way.

I can't say who I am, obviously, as the folk scene is small and my ex is still out there, but my thoughts are with you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:33 AM

Shit happens. Adjust.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:59 AM

all good advice even guest at 09.33! I will adjust, I'm young enough and will eventually be wise enough and won't get mixed up with internet relationships for sure. At the moment its still raw and painful and my pride has been hurt too and I feel so stupid and hurt that he wasn't the person I thought he was and yes that is who I'm grieving for. It is three years out of my life. Thank you for the advice and letting me ramble on, I have had loads of postive experiences here on the 'cat. I can't say I wasn't warned about his person, I just didn't want to believe it


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:06 AM

GRC-- You are NOT stupid. People like that study up on all the ways to get around your good sense. You will have a much better bullshit detector now. And by raising the issue, even without naming names, you have acted responsibly; someone may have a better chance of avoiding this.

As for the guy-- you will be found out eventually by the person you are taking up with now. Why not be a class act and let her go before you break her heart, too?

Another Regular Catter


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:31 AM

GRC - from the sound of your posts, you are going to be just fine. Your heart may be a bit bruised, but you definitely are talking from a position of dignity. Good on ya.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Kim C
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:37 AM

This person is leaving your life to make room for the better situation that's waiting just down the road for you. Heartbreak really does suck - but it does get better. Go easy on yourself and take it one day at a time.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:51 AM

The internet is ripe for a sociological study, if it hasn't been done already, i.e. how many marriages/serious relationships have broken up due to Instant Messenger, chat rooms, etc. ...and how many relationships/marriages have resulted from same? How many individuals who've left their significant others for someone they met on-line have had success in the ensuing relationship, or did it turn out badly?


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,donuel
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:58 AM

imho internet "romance" has to be virtually the stupidest and most dangerous thing since identity theft.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: SINSULL
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:15 AM

As in the 3-D world, when it works it is wonderful and when it doesn't it isn't. There are a number of couples here on Mudcat who met via Cyberspace and are very happy together. Given that 50+% of ALL marriages end in divorce why expect better results from the internet? Or worse for that matter?

This unnamed 'Catter will grieve, learn from the experience and move on hopefully. Meantime, she has my sympathy. Keeping in mind that that he too may be a frequent poster here, I hope that they choose to remain anonymous. Many here have gone through breakups and divorces. It can be made intolerable when friends and acquaintances start taking sides.

Good luck to both of you.
SINS


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,donuel
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:22 AM

heart pic
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SPAIN_BUILDING_FIRE?SITE=VANOV&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:23 AM

well spotted SINS, this is why i'm not naming names, its not my intention to get into slanging matches, I want to walk away with my head held high and soome pride intact. As for the insistance thatwe remain friends......it was always my humble opinion that friends don't hurt you. I'm not the first, won't be the last either I expect! such is life both in cyberspace and in 3D


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,donuel
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:24 AM

times like this I need an edit function.

my intended pic http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/heart.jpg


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:26 AM

but this is a very lonely time although i'm not hte only one who has been in this position
thanks for letting me talk this through


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: pdq
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:28 AM

This sounds like a perfect time to start writing Country songs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: SINSULL
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:30 AM

I have to agree, I have never understood the "friends" thing. When children are involved it is important to maintain a relationship. That I understand. But the very first quality I look for in a friendship is honesty. How can you keep someone as a friend when they have deceived you about the single most important thing in your life?

An observation not a criticism.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Amos
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:45 AM

I have a theory that this sort of heart break is part of our cultural learning curve coming to terms with living with what we have invented.

No-one in pre-Internet years would dream of believing they were in love with someone they hadn't met, but even so, deception, or misplaced confidence occurred often enough.

It is tricky stuff accelerating the whole deal with always-on, broadband communications.

And we need to learn that even though it is possible to put our faith in the "tone" that comes across between the lines, it may be wiser not to.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:56 AM

...wasn't it during the Victorian era that some marriages were arranged based solely on the exchange of letters? Instant messages and chatrooms are the modern day version of that, it seems.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Amos
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 12:04 PM

Good point, Guest. Perhaps "plus c'est la meme chose".


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: M.Ted
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 01:08 PM

It isn't the internet--there have always been people out there who specialize in "finding you" when you need a shoulder to cry on--they know that when you are hurt you are looking inward,
at yourself, and not outward, at them--because they can't deal with any kind of scrutiny--

At lot of times, the real reason that they "leave" is because you were close to finding out that they weren't really the wonderful person that had been pretending to be--

Don't blame yourself, because, in order to survive, these folks have learned how to put on a convincing act--

I've been through this, in fact, I remember a certain Valentine's Day, many years ago, when my wife at the time handed me a card with pictures of cockroaches on it that said, "Have a Great Valentine's Day" and told me she would take a raincheck on dinner--


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: MBSLynne
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 02:41 PM

You may all be being a little unfair on "Regular Catter's" ex-other half. He may have started this in all innocence, not with the intention of hurting anyone, and found it grew way past what he expected.

I feel for you Regular Catter, and I don't mean to sound as though I don't, but sometimes these things happen without our volition and when they do, there isn't a lot that can be done about it....we can't prevent our feelings after all. You must have had good times over the last three years though...remember that and the time hasn't been wasted. When you meet and fall for someone else, you'll be so glad you didn't stay with this one

Love Lynne


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Another T-shirt wearer
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 03:20 PM

Regular Catter - my heart goes out to you. Under similar circumstances a few years ago, I had that same awful cold feeling, as if time and life itself had frozen solid. It seemed to me that the day it happened would go on forever - the longest day of my life. It's hell. But however hellish, it told me all I needed to know about the man in question. No second chances - if he can do that once, he can (and will) surely do it again. Trust goes out the door forever. As others have said, the mourning is not for the man he actually is, but the man you thought he was and the past, present and future you thought you had. Give yourself time to mourn all that and remember, like the solstice, there is only one 'longest day', then the cycle of seasons starts its motion again. It helped me a lot, in the darkest time, to make a positive study of the way a shrub outside my window changed little by little each day. Sounds crazy, perhaps, but it helped me no end.

Do you know the song "Somewhere along the road, someone waits for me" ? There ARE some lovely, genuine, honest people around in this world, male and female, and somewhere along the road you have already met some and will continue to meet them. Like, in the end, attracts like. The more you are with these like-minded people, the more you will come to recognize those who are and those who are not. It took me 37 years and many T-shirts before I met the lovely man in my life, but we recognized each other instantly for who we were, and although we sometimes say "Why didn't we meet when we were younger ?", we are just so glad that we are with each other now. Keep on walking along that road, won't you ?


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Subject: Lyr Add: SOMEWHERE ALONG THE ROAD (Rick Kemp)
From: GUEST,Another T-shirt wearer
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 05:18 PM

Somewhere Along the Road ( Lyrics and melody by Rick Kemp)

Somewhere along the road, someone waits for me
Beyond the present storms that blow, waiting patiently,
No secrets held in an open heart,
A spirit that soars over mountains,
Somewhere along the road, someone waits for me.

Somewhere a guiding light always shows the way
To those who lose their way at night, searching for the day,
A day away from happiness,
Tomorrow will bring a new sunrise,
Somewhere along the road, someone waits for me.

Sometimes when winds are still, unexpectedly
Perhaps beyond this silent hill, a voice will come to me,
Raise your eyes to see my world,
Raise your voice and sing out,
Somewhere along the road, someone waits for me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Once Famous
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 05:27 PM

Keep your real life and your Internet life separate.

works for me.



Martin Gibson
Regular catter


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Bobert
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 06:31 PM

Well, sniff, I reckon by now most of us have the tee-shirt but I'm know this doesn't make things any easier. Sorry to read that you are going thru this.

If there's anything positive to say it would be that you are not ried up with someone who isn't your soul mate. That's okay 'cause I just have this feeling that we all do have a soul mate, someone to grow old with, someone to validate our lives and life is too short to get bogged down with someone who isn't that person.

Plus, with the age difference, heck, you now don't have to look forward to pushing this imposter around ina wheel chair while yer still very much in life's game.

But, again, I'm real sorry...sniff...

Bobert


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: kendall
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:25 PM

There is an old sailor's saying that also fits relationships:

"If you have never been aground, you have never been to sea."


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: dianavan
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:52 PM

..or

You can't have an open heart until your heart has been broken.

I have recently read that the term "broken heart" has been proven to actually be a medical condition. The grieving process actually effects your physical heart. I don't have the details, so google it.

Remeber that all things pass in time.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Davetnova
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 04:04 AM

It hurts, in time it won't. Forget being friends with him but remember your friends, they're there for you, you are not alone.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Kaleea
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 04:15 AM

internet "loves" can spawn a few million Bluegrass & cryin' in the beer songs. Write 'em, sing 'em, & then write a happier chapter in your life. Best wishes!


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Partridge
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 11:36 AM

I have had my own experience of betrayal and it shook me to my very soul. Time and friends help. I don't know if I know you even if I dont and you need someone trustworthy and empathetic to talk to, please e-mail me on the address below.
pat@l5net.net

hoping you feel better very soon

Pat x


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 05:16 PM

Dianavan.... been there, done that, got the cardiac appointment next month to prove it. All my recent heart troubles can be traced back to one particular week where all kinds of sh^t hit the fan.

Regular Catter... I'm sorry for you, this sounds a very familiar story.... Are you absolutely sure this has progressed further than just 'helping' someone? Make sure of the truth before you make an irreconcilable decision.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 05:20 PM

MG, RC ??? 05:27PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: skipy
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 05:41 PM

I've stayed out of this one! 21 years ago with my life at an all time low after two divorces for adultary - both times I was the innocent party! I felt that there was no future and nowhere to go, desperatley hurt, badly wounded, in trouble with my employers (the RAF). Depressed beyond belief, close to "ending it all"! I met someone, all these years on she is my soul mate, we have two fine sons to be proud of & I realise that I had to go though all that shit to get to where I am now.
Trust me there is future out there - I know.
Chin up, Skipy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:03 AM

you are all so kind..all advice is worth reading, even to prove to myself I'm not the only one to wear the t shirt. Still cold and shocked and yes, Liz, I do know its progressed further than "helping" Lets just say the visit to the family I thought he was on a few weeks ago was actually to this woman. I feel sorry for this new woman who is more vulnerable than I was at the time we first met. I spoke to her last night, she thought we were no longer an item, at least thats what he'd told her, I was only staying with him because I'd not be able to afford a place of my own. Its all such a mess.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Ethan's Granny
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:15 AM

So he's lying to her already? That's not a good start, is it? Let's hope he ends up as unhappy as he's made you. Chin up, sweetie.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: open mike
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:43 AM

"after two divorces for adultary - both times I was the innocent party!"
isn't it possible that if onoe partner does not COMMIT adultry, they might have been involved in (allowing) the choice in some way...not always being there for their partner, etc. as Greg Brown says "if you don't get it at home, you're gonna go looking...."
that is not always the case, but "innocence" and "guilt" are not always
in black and white..there are many shades of grey/gray/


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Another one in the boat
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:53 AM

The hardest thing about any thing like this is the breakdown of trust. It takes a lot for most people to really really trust someone, and when that is broken, it can never be fixed. Once someone has been shown up as a lying piece of sh*t, then they are always a lying piece of sh*t, no matter what.

There are two sides to every story though. Get the truth before you get the scissers out.

I bet if you named the man, everyone would leap to his defence and say 'what a lovely man he is, he couldnt do that to you'. And I bet he'd swear up and down that it had never happened before and he'd be wrong. There are some men who are like that, preying on the vulnerable under pretence of 'helping' and they never change. If this other woman thinks that she will stop him doing it, then she is in for a nasty shock in a few months or years. As soon as she stops 'needing' him, he'll be off looking for another victim and it'll start all over again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:01 AM

very true...but I won't name names, i don't want to turn this into an online slanging match, suffice to say we are all catters! we are all grown ups! but i have since found out from friends that this has been his MO through out his life, they had hoped i was the last in a long line of "needy" women. like someone said earlier, it takes a lot to trust and when thats gone............


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Layah
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM

open mike I disagree that you can claim the victim in a case of adultery can be partially guilty. Even if there are problems at home, even if both people are not handling the situation well, that isn't an excuse to commit adultery. There are plenty of other options. What your saying is kind of like claiming that by wearing skimpy clothing a women was asking to be raped, so it's her fault. If someone makes me mad and I hurt someone or break something, the fault is entirely mine, despite the fact that they made me mad. Same thing goes here, if my spouse isn't giving me what I want, finding it somewhere else is still entirely my own doing and my own responsibilty.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Another Regular Catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 09:24 AM

GRC, how very strange (but hopefully educational) this must be for the other lady. I feel for her-- vulnerable to start off, and now caught up in this through no fault of her own, and not much she can say about it here while this thread is running. You are probably the only person she can talk to! It's hell for these men when the various affected ladies find a way to compare notes! Ooops! :~)

Another Regular Catter


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,old-timer
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 10:52 AM

I am a retired professor. Several times when I was teaching, I would observe good students with lots of potential suddenly began failing. When I called them in for a conference, it was almost always something like you are experiencing, regular catter. About the only thing I knew how to do was listen and be supportive, and that seemed to be the best approach. Mudcatters are doing that with you know, and I am sure it will help - if not immediately, at least soon.

There was one other thing I used to do. That was recommend a little paperback book with the unlikely title of "Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?" It is not about the situation they were going through, but there were some things there that have always stuck with me, and also did with them. One of the best was ( and I might be paraphrasing somewhat)

"You can never appreciate the view from a mountaintop unless you have walked through the valley to get there."

Worth remembering.

My best to you -


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: mg
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 01:59 PM

Here are my suggestions to hopefully head something like this off in the future.
1. If you want to get married and be his forever you have to let it be known soon on in the relationship. Otherwise if he is taking you for a ride you are a willing rider (this is not referring to abusive situations, just misunderstood ones).
2. Don't move in with him (her) unless you are married. That will prevent a whole lot of misunderstandings.
3. Give him/her a time line and stick to it.
4. Don't assume that there are plenty of others to choose from because sometimes there aren't. But you will still be better off alone than with a loser and/or creep. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Insight
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:02 PM

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but
What a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive.
If the cap fits, wear it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Layah
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:13 PM

GUEST,Insight missed two of my favorite aphorisms:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
and
Out of sight, out of mind.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,yet another one with the t shirt
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:28 PM

oh I remember this only too well, how it hurt, what an idiot I felt for getting taken in by what were ultimately lies by someone i thought i could trust. RC I know what you are going through now and well remember the pain involved, but eventually I got over it and moved on, took a while but it was worth it......to get away from an ace manipulator. You will get there too and be a better person for it..honest


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:32 PM

thanks agin for all the good advice and yes strangely i feel very sorry for the "other" woman, I have a feeling we might both be walking away from him,I know I am and from what she said she is considering it too!!!!!!
am feeling slightly less cold


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:49 PM

So many people had the same experience, trusting someone who turned out to be lying to them all along. I haven't had that experience, and I hope to avoid it, but I also have a tendency to trust people. Those who have been through it, how would you recommend avoiding it? Is there any way to tell before you get hurt?


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Insight
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:49 PM

Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: open mike
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:55 PM

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder,
what a difference a little tin makes..


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Wise Arse.
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 02:59 PM

Abstinence makes the hand go fondle.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:13 PM

Well I drove away the real love of my life, and it makes me feel like shit when I remember what a fool I was. If your soon-to-be ex suffers in the same way as I have for the last 20 odd years, [although it does get easier] then he made his own bed, as they say.
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Insight
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:16 PM

Plain words spelled out clear:
All here have been deceived, I fear !


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,another regular
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:20 PM

I found it so hard to let go when the bastard messed with my head and my heart. The trouble was, although I wanted to, I didn't want to. I just had to stick it out until after all those times of thinking I was over him, then seeing him and everything changing, I finally reached a point where I was relieved. I knew it was 'the time' because this time I wasn't sad about what I had lost, or thought I'd lost, and I wasn't even the slightest bit disappointed at being over him.
Then I started to think about what he'd done to me, and once you get through that initial confusion and hurt - it really does start to get better.
Hang in there!


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 03:36 PM

If the rotter was named it would lessen the chance of it happening again. It is misguided loyalty that succumbed you to this situation. It will be ignorance that will claim his next victim. If women stuck together more and thought of each other first, a lot less broken hearts would be the result? Sounds like you are still putting his feelings before other women.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:12 PM

Open Mike said, "..."if you don't get it at home, you're gonna go looking...." that is not always the case, but "innocence" and "guilt" are not always in black and white..there are many shades of grey/gray/."

NObody has a right to "go looking", no matter what the circumstances are. You have a right to end the relationship and THEN go looking.

Guest said, "If the rotter was named it would lessen the chance of it happening again."

I believe pre-emptive punishment for the possibility of future transgressions is against common law and against common sense. Not to mention libel and slander.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Sorcha
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:16 PM

Guest at 3:36, you don't understand women very well if you think that would work. Every new woman in a man's life thinks she will be the one to change him, he won't do it to her, etc. Besides, RC was warned. Did she listen? No.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Whiner
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:18 PM

I have had my heart broken. Now I want the world to see me as a victim. I will tell my story. I am a professional victim. Get a life.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Once Famous
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:21 PM

Yay!

Let's put this on Maury Povich!


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Layah
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:23 PM

The most a warning like that from an ex girlfriend would do would make me a tiny bit more cautious. Who are you more likely to trust, the guy's possibly angry vengeful ex, or him, who you know and like?

Whiner, have you not ever had something bad happen to you? Sounds to me like regular catter actually got something useful out of this thread, but even if she didn't it's such a comfort just to tell people, and for them to say, aw that's sad. If it's going to make them feel better, and it's not going to make anyone else feel worse why shouldn't a person complain a bit?


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:24 PM

Sorcha said, "Every new woman in a man's life thinks she will be the one to change him,..." Hehehehe. Ain't it the truth ? When will women realize we just ain't gonna change? And when are men going to realize that women are just gonna change?


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Whiner
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:27 PM

Yes I have. And it was not all her fault or all my fault. I dislike this one sided garbage from people.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: *Laura*
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:31 PM

Well sometimes one person is more to blame than another person and in that situation people get hurt!
Maybe you deal with your problems by not talking to anyone - but like Layah says - if it makes someone feel better to talk about it, and doesn't hurt anyone else - then what's the problem?
If you don't want to hear about someones broken heart then don't read a thread entitled 'broken heart'


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,guest 3.36
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:31 PM

Ok sorry, didnt know she had been warned. In that case I dont see the point of a 'woe is me thread'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Whiner
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:33 PM

YES SIR LAYLAH.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Teresa
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 04:48 PM

I've learned that on the Internet and in person, it's a good idea to know as much about the person as possible before you get emotionallly attached. Know about their living situation, their typical day, their everyday life. Don't simply say sweet nothings without putting your feet on the ground. I learned it the hard way, and it still hurts. Of course, this doesn't guarantee not getting hurt, but it decreases the chances.

Hang in there GRC. It does get better.

Teresa


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 05:36 PM

Having been on both sides of it, time, and talking about it are the only non-destructive things to do. It does get better, but how long it takes can vary...
And knowing more about the person first is the best way to avoid it in the first place.

Bunnahabhain.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Hollowfox
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 06:24 PM

I'm another one, RMC.
Here's a little bit of advice I'd like to throw in the pot: Remember that you're under stress from this, and that means that your reaction time will be slowed, your decision making skills may be slowed as well, your attention span may shorten noticibly, and even (scariest for me) your reading level might go down a bit due to the attention thing, I think. So be more careful when you drive, don't make hasty decisions (including large scale impulse buying), write yourself notes so you don't forget things you need or want to do. I know you know that it's a good idea to drink alone. Do what you must, then do what you can, but don't push yourself. Sleep is good. And though some may disagree, I got the advice to avoid Country & Western music, even if you like it, as the subject matter can be 'way too depressing. If nothing else, turn on the classical music station on the radio (even if you don't care for the genre), as it's usually instrumental and less likely to bum you out.
While it's probably better to be discreet here on the 'Net with his identity, don't cover for him in the real world. You don't have to malign him, and I'd advise against it as bad tactics. Just let friends know what's going on in your life. some friends will fade away, but you will find true friends that you can talk to, who will be glad at those small triumphs that get you back to being you.
And I think I'll lihgt a !@#$-reduction candle for you in a couple of hours when I get home from work.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: hilda fish
Date: 16 Feb 05 - 10:19 PM

Emmy Lou Harris sings "the hardest thing is knowing you'll survive". It's true. I am constantly reminded of .................. This Too Will Pass ..................... which I tell myself at times of total devastation. It's in your hands


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: open mike
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 12:05 AM

when i was going thru tough times
and facing many changes i found
help in this book...When Things
Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
A friend told me that there was
a copy of that book floating
around her gorup of friends
passed on to another..and
it wqs given when anyone
was in need of support,
advice, help, etc.
Main advice...
Breathe!
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/bookstore1.php


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 17 Feb 05 - 02:29 PM

it wasn't my intention to whine, just give out a warning to be careful in these situations and it does help in some small way to know I'm not the only one this has happened to because atthe time it seems like you are the only person in the world to be taken in by this crap (for that is what it was) Pride and good manners prevent me from naming names, i'm not here for a slanging match, those who know, know


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: MuddleC
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 01:38 PM

suffering from a broken heart actually shows that you at least have one
If you think that you bolloxed it all up, just take a look at our so-called celebs and see how they mess up bigtime, even with their money and fame
Good luck along that road


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 02:01 PM

Onward and upward girl.The world is now your oyster. Hope you are feeling better.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Maryrrf
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 05:06 PM

This is kind of OT but addressed to John "Giok" - Have you seen this person you missed out on so long ago recently? I ask this because not too long ago I ran into somebody I had a giant crush on but he didn't return my feelings. I used to sometimes think "what if". When I saw him and actually talked to him after more than 20 years (just by accident, I wasn't looking for him or anything) I was really glad I didn't end up with him (not that the one I did end up was better - just different and oh well we won't go there). The old flame actually asked me out on a date but I was not in the least interested.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 05:33 PM

not that OT Mary.....after a weekend spent with my family I'm feeling more able to cope. Bumped into an old flame too which was really nice and very good for the bashed self esteem! Am certainly too vulnerable to jump into something new, so i won't but it was really nice to be made feel like 'm sometin special. Am now on point of arranging the practical, give notice, to move my stuff back home and i believe they had crisis talks this weekened which he keeps trying to tell me about....but i don't care


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: John O'L
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 05:54 PM

This is the first time I've checked this thread since the start, and you sound (well, read) so much more positive already.

Good work. Well done. Good luck.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 06:00 PM

thanks John.. I feel a lot more positive, still get a bit hurt too, can't get over this in a week but I cannot be with someone i just can't trust! I think the act of making descisions and having to be practical helps and this thread has been really really helpful


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 06:15 AM

When I first met Joy I was still trying to help a former girlfriend by phone. She encouraged and trusted me. But I guess being open was a bit of a clue to my motivation.

There you have it - honesty. Nothing to hide. But it goes both ways - or fails if it doesn't.

I would recommend something to fill the mindspace now created - the void left behind. For some it is another (or series of) SO, for some it is a change of hairstyle/wardrobe, for some it is songwriting. AND a combination of such crowds-out the nostalgia/loss.

Have you tried Mudchat?


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 02:29 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 02:33 PM

good advice Mr red, having something to fill the void, mine will be taken up with the practicalities of the split at the moment, a good female friend has offered me a room at her place in the interim, so thats another hurdle over with, didn't relish staying here while I worked my notice. We are studiously avoiding one another now, seems to be working


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: mg
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 03:32 PM

I highly recommend travel..gets you out of the places you shared as a couple..meet new people..read train schedules...dodge traffic coming at you from the other way....I think it helps to retrain your brain patterns from moping about the other person, although it doesn't sound like you are moping... mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Layah
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 04:15 PM

I've found doing a bunch of other things can help me pretend I'm not moping about someone, but that isn't quite the same as actually not moping. As far as I can tell I can't get over someone until I just magically get over them, and it tends to happen rather suddenly and take much longer than I expect. I do find pretending not to be depressed is the next best thing to actually not being depressed though.


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,regular catter
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 12:12 PM

I find being busy helps me not to mope and I think really its a relief now, it all coming out into the open, I had an idea that something was wrong but didn't know what......all in all it will be a relief to move on I think...............


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: Amos
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 12:25 PM

The best remedy is to start taking actions and making things happen from your own center, and drop the effort to get other people to save you or provide you with the right feelings. Once you start doing that you discover your own authorship more and the tumult of the past confusion can be given over tot he past. Until you take action you will be glued in to past time.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Broken heart
From: GUEST,on the deck of the Mary Celeste
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 12:21 PM

regular mudcatter, how are things now if you don't mind me asking?


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