BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 07:41 AM

Third Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 01:03 AM

LOLOL Dave - love it!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Troll
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 10:13 PM

Slogan on a T-shirt:

                   EMBRACE YOUR INNER OGRE

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: bobad
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 09:58 PM

Popular Singers
Inspired by
Fats Domino and
Chubby Checker.

BY DAN GUTERMAN

- - - -

Lard-Ass Backgammon

Heavyset Trivial Pursuit

Paunchy Stratego

Morbidly Obese Battleship

Could Lose A Few Scrabble

Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippo

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 07:26 PM

Shouldn't this have been posted in a 'TECH: thread' Dave?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 05:22 PM

"Girlfriend Software"

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a
virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for
a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than
the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never
liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running
on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did
not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic
pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: HuwG
Date: 28 May 05 - 11:10 PM

A man decides to replace the stereo system in his car. The salesman says, "Rather than just replace the system with the same model, would you be interested in our latest voice-activated hands-off intelligent model ?"

"How does that work ?"

"Let me give you a test drive in our demonstration car." The two get into the demo car and set off. The salesman says "OK. Radio on, BBC Radio 2". The radio turns itself on, and the car is filled with the sounds of golden oldie rock.

"Latest traffic reports, this area". The radio searches the local bands for a while, and then switches to a traffic report from a nearby radio station.

"Classical". The radio switches to BBC Radio 3 which is broadcasting something heavy by Bach. "No, too heavy. Something lighter". The radio switches to Classic FM, which is doing a Vivaldi concerto.

"You see", says the salesman. "This radio is intelligent enough to process and recognise any request, based on your mood and on availiable material". Just then, a child chases a football into the middle of the road ahead of them. The salesman slams on the brakes and screeches to a halt.

"F***ing children !", he says.

The radio starts playing something by Michael Jackson.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 May 05 - 07:21 PM

"Warning"

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is when you stop for a red light a
young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends
to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this!

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 22 May 05 - 04:21 PM

Uncle Dave,
People who are willing to do what it takes to get elected into public office, are morally unfit to hold such office."
       Unknown

It was Plato, in the Republic.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: frogprince
Date: 21 May 05 - 06:44 PM

"The police are not here to create disorder; the police are here
to preserve disorder" Mayor Richard Daley of Chicago, 1968.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 05 - 04:02 PM

Mudguard:

I guess I could claim it's so good that it ought to be repeated, but the fact is that I had it in my collection of jokes waiting to be sent to my regular daily joke e-mail distribution, and I completely forgot that I had posted it to Mudcat. Sorry.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 20 May 05 - 10:20 PM

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
BUSH

       "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
BUSH

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 20 May 05 - 06:28 PM

Dave, are you going to repeat this every four weeks? (look at your post from 25 Apr) ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 May 05 - 05:58 PM

"People who are willing to do what it takes to get elected into public office, are morally unfit to hold such office."
       Unknown

       "Power is not alluring to pure minds."
       Thomas Jefferson

       "Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
       Bill Clinton, before the Monica scandal

       "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
       Hillary Clinton

       "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
       Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

       "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
       Dan Quayle

       "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
       Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and ex-mayor of Philadelphia

       "I've always thought that under-populated countries in Africa are vastly under-polluted."
       Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

       "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
       Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

       "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
       David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

       "It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
       Dan Quayle

       "Solutions are not the answer."
       Richard Nixon

       "The internet is a great way to get on the net."
       Bob Dole

       "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
       Dan Quayle

       "You can't just let nature run wild."
       Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor

       "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
       Dan Quayle

       "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
       Dan Quayle


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 05 - 09:11 PM

Truth is stranger than fiction Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 18 May 05 - 05:39 PM

To be serious in a joke thread for a quick moment.....

The piece by Foolestroupe is so near the truth as I know it.

Last year I was fortunate enough to dance at the World Folkloriade in Hungary. Clearly the organising committee had thought of worldwide dietary conventions, and the dozens of venues we were at had all been told too and decided that chicken was as neutral as it could be.

So each day for lunch we got chicken. And for evening meal (at a different venue) we also got chicken. It usually came with rice - or noodles. Vegetarians got just rice, or noodles.

Best regards,

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: UncleToad
Date: 18 May 05 - 03:24 PM

A really rumpled smelly lipstick stained drunk man holding a newspaper sits down beside a priest on a park bench...after much newspaper crackling and shuffling the drunk leans over and asks the priest what causes arthritis.
"It is caused by drinking too much cheap liquor, running around all hours of the night and by consorting with cheap floozy women," was the priest's reply.
"Oh my," said the drunk.
Feeling he had been a little harsh to the lost soul the priest asked him, "And are you suffering much?"
The drunk smiled, "Not me Father...says here the Pope has arthritis."

"Oh my," says UncleToad...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 05 - 02:33 AM

Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken

GENEVA—After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Jerome Maliszewski, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." Attendees at the combination summit and potluck dinner labeled it a qualified success, regretting the altercation that broke out between factions with differing views on skewer length.

For more News In Brief, visit theonion.com

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 15 May 05 - 04:02 PM

Hubby is sat up in bed reading the newspaper just before turning the lights out and his wife comes into the bedroom stark naked.

She pulls on brow and says "Look at the wrinkles".

Then she pulls under her eyes and says "Look at the bags".

Then she points to her breasts and says "Look how they droop".

She looks at the back of her legs and says "See, I have cellulite!"

She looks at hubby still reading the paper and says:

"Can't you see anything nice about me"?

"Your eyesight's good! he replies.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Fidjit
Date: 15 May 05 - 02:48 PM

At a dinner party a man burped. The host then said, "How dare you before my wife". "Sorry", said the man. "I didn't know it was herturn".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,brucie
Date: 14 May 05 - 05:42 PM

The DNA research is coming along . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,brucie
Date: 14 May 05 - 05:29 PM

'A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.' (Anon.)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 05 - 10:41 PM

Mudguard, that is wonderful!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 May 05 - 08:10 PM

The truth about Ireland (found on the web ...):

IRELAND

Ireland is a country in West Europe. It is on an island that is divided into two parts. The south is Ireland, the north is Northern Ireland. It is a bit like Korea, but without so many Koreans and without atomic weapons. In the East of the island is the capitol Dublin (also called Baile Atha Cliusai), in the South is Cork, in the West are the Cliffs of Mohair and in the North are British soldiers.

Some people think that Ireland used to be Atlantis, but they are wrong: Atlantis was a very advanced and civilised country with a high culture admired by the Greeks, but Ireland was populated by the Celts instead. Even so the Celts were not the first people living in Ireland - before them there lived the Leprechauns, the Fenians and Dana. The Celts sent them all underground and then decided to become Christians. This had to do with Saint Patrick, who brought the shamrock to Ireland but banned snakes and smoking. Other famous Irish saints who helped to save civilisation were St. Columba who civilised Scotland and St. Oliver Plunkett who gave head for his faith. St. Kilian was so good at making Christians out of the Franks that they even made him and some friends martyrs.

Apart from saints the Irish also had heroes. They are hard to keep track of as they were changing their names quite often. Satan called himself Cuchullain when he died, tied to a raven in the General Post Office. This name means "dog" and a lot of heroes also took names from nature, like Bono Fox and The Hedge. Other Irish heroes were Finn Mac Cool, Manannan Mac Lir and Ceol Agus Craic.

All this came to a terrible end when Oliver Cromwell went to Ireland. He was an English Hitler, but with warts instead of a moustache. After killing the King of England he wanted to have Ireland as well and came with many soldiers. He threw the Irish out and told them to go "To Hell or to Connecticut". This is why there are so many Irishmen in America! Those who could not afford to go to America went elsewhere or ate only potatoes in protest. Then the potatoes were all poisoned by the Englishmen so that the Irishmen still in Ireland starved to death or went to America.

It is no wonder that the Irish rebelled mightily at this. The first big rebel tried to export the French Revolution to Ireland but was not very successful - his name was Wolfe Tones and he became a folk singer instead, recording the best song in the world as the BBC found out. Wolfe Tones was a Unified Irishman and his successor was Robert Emmet who had a green uniform (Wolfe Tones's was blue because it was from a French designer, but himself was Irish) and managed to free parts of Dublin from the English. But the English did not like this and hanged him. So he was also not very successful. After Emmet some Irishmen joined Napoleon in conquering Europe but he went to Russia instead of throwing the English out of Ireland - so they were not successful either. Then most Irishmen fought against the Confederation in America freeing the slaves and then tried to free the Canadians from the English. They were not successful. In the First World War a lot of Irishmen fought for the English against the Germans. Those who did not want this got guns from the Germans and fought against the English. As this took part in Dublin it was called the "Eastern Rebellion". The rebels liberated a post office and a biscuit factory, so they had enough stamps and enough to eat. But the English had bigger, better and more guns and the Irish had to give up. As they were then all shot to death, they also were not very successful. Except for de Valera because he was American and Countess Mascara who was a woman. Then the First World War ended and England had enough of the Irish who were always revolting. So Michael Collins, the "Thick Fellow", sold Ulster to the King of England and became a Free State for this. He was the first really successful Irish rebel. So the Irish shot him.

After all those rebellions Ireland decided to be neutral in future. This means that in a war you do not pick a side until you know who is winning. In the Second World War the Irish were very careful and even told the German embassy that they were sorry the hear of Hitler's death, just in case the Germans made a sudden comeback. In the Gulf War against Terror the Irish were so neutral they even allowed the Americans to refill their planes on the way to Iraq. They would have allowed the same to the Iroquois but they did not fly to the USA.

The Irish have a lot of trouble with the English because of Northern Ireland. In Ireland most people are Catholics. "Catholic" means something like "all over" or "everywhere", the Catholics want the Irish to have power everywhere in Ireland. They show this by wearing green. They are also called "Publicans". On the other side are the "Royalists" who want Ulster to keep the English Queen. As they are constantly protesting against the Publicans they are also known as "Protestants". They wear orange most of the time, except when playing Holland in the football. There are also some Pressed Aryans, they wear paisley patterns and do not dance.

Among these groups there is a lot of fighting, so they have their own armies. The Catholics have the Irish Publican Army, while the Protestants have the Glasgow Rangers. There are also an Irish and an English army. So it is very complicated to find out who is fighting who. Especially as the soldiers themselves sometimes do not know who they just shot dead. In this case politicians have to take over and explain the term "collateral damage". This is a bit like "friendly fire", you are dead, but it is OK, as nobody really meant to kill you.

In Ireland sport is very popular. But it is also confusing. When Irish people play proper football, they call it soccer. The most popular teams are Manchester United, Fai Muppets and Celtic Glasgow. The last are also known as the "Celtic Tigers" because they wear green-striped shirts. Publicans love them because they beat the Glasgow Rangers.

But if the Irish are talking about Football, they mean their own version which allows the ball to be carried in the hands, gives points for missing the goal and yellow cards only when you kill another player (or speak English on the playing field). Hurling is very similar, but players are allowed to use Irish baseball bats as weapons. If players are wearing skirts, hurling is called camogie. There is also handball, but this is similar to squash. The Irish are not very successful at international sports except when they are sitting on a horse or there is a chance to beat the English up without penalty, as in rugby.

It is similar with driving, Jordan is an Irish team in Formula One. Most problems with driving come from the fact that the Irish actually drive on the wrong side of the road. This is not as complicated as it sounds because their cars are built the wrong way round as well. So in traffic everything that is left in Germany is right in Ireland and everything that is right is wrong. This also makes it a bit more complicated when Irish people are giving directions. So a lot of tourists get lost when they drive in Ireland, especially on the famous Ring of Kerrygold.

Tourists are a big income in Ireland and are made welcome a hundred thousand times. The Irish like strangers very much and invite them into their houses. This is because they like to get news and stories from foreign countries and like to be guestgivers. Then they sit around the turf fire, sing songs and drink Guiness or Whiskey, which is like Scotch, only Irish. Guiness is the national drink and black, it was invented by Martin McGuinness and tastes a bit like beer.

Irish music is very nice and many Germans listen it. Older people hear the "Dubliners" (which are also a book) and "U2" (which are also a plane). Younger people like more Westlife and Samantha Mumba (who also was in the Time Machine, but she is not a typical Irish girl). Also famous are "Riverdance" which won the Eurovision contest and Michael Flatfoot who left "Riverdance" and became the Lord of the Dance. He has a big house, but his girlfriend left him. Other people with big houses in Ireland are Enya (who made the music for the 11.9.), Jeremy Irons (who was the "Lion King") and the American ambassador (who has the house where the English were in before, this is in the Fenian Park in Dublin).

If you want to make holidays in Ireland, you can lend a gipsy caravan with a horse and lots of colours. This is the traditional Irish way of holiday and you will meet many travellers in caravans as well. They are all camping on green fields together, have campfires, games and are welcome everywhere. You can get to Ireland cheap if you fly with Ryanair. But they only have a small service because they are a "no thrills" airline. If you want more thrills, Cunni Lingus is the way to go.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 05 - 05:47 PM

"Living in Michigan"

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another
fellow took a seat beside him. The new guy was
an absolute wreck....pale, hands shaking, biting
his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.

"Oh man.... I've been transferred to Michigan," the
other guy answered, "there's crazy people in
Michigan....and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."

"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Michigan
all my life and it is not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and
it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking
for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been
worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK,
I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Chuck, "Oh, I'm nothing special. I'm a
tail gunner on a bread truck in Dearborn."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 05 - 07:29 PM

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1.      Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2.      You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3.      The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4.      Your husband is sudden ly agreeing to everything you say.
5.      You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6.      Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7.      Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8.      You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super
Plus.
9.      You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10.    The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10.    Cats' facial expressions.
9.       The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8.       Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7.       Fat clothes.
6.       Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5.       The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4.       Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3.       Eyelash curlers.
2.       The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1.    OTHER WOMEN

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 May 05 - 06:46 PM

No! No! No!
It's

Thou shalt have no other Presidental Candidatwe before me.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 12 May 05 - 10:48 AM

This morning the House Judiciary Committee issued the Eleventh Commandment...


Thou Shalt Not Showeth Thy Rod To Thy Staff...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 05 - 10:42 AM

"City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam"

Name:_______________________________
Gang:___________________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses
6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by
shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt
before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to
Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram.
What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for
each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so
Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20%
more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and
$100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many
Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000
for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of
prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch
that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a
tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27
girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the
gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50
per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child.
If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more
children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail
was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and
returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping
bail?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 12 May 05 - 09:57 AM

What do Michael Jackson and Caviar have in common?













They both come on little crackers...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 11 May 05 - 10:35 PM

Subject: dressing a child


Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one !!!!



Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her

kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and

him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.



Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the

wrong feet."



She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling

the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool

as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right

feet.



He then announced, "These aren't my boots."



She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream "Why

didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again, she struggled to

help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's

boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."



Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up

the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet

again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 11 May 05 - 09:36 PM

used this in a thread that a lot of folks will not be reading...so:



A woman touring a town in Israel when spotted a small store with dozens of interesting watches and clocks in the window. She stepped inside and said to the proprietor, "You have such an interesting display in your window. Do you sell timepieces?"

"No, I don't," said the storkeeper.

"Well, then you must repair them," exclaimed the woman.

"No, I don't repair them either," said the man.

"Well, what do you do?" asked the woman.

The man pointed to a little sign in the corner of the window that said "Mohel" and replied, "I perform circumcisions!"

"But you have watches and clocks in your window!" exclaimed the woman.

The man replied, "So what should I put in the window?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,blondie
Date: 11 May 05 - 07:29 PM

I resent that piece of stereotypical literature( Big words for a blonde eh?)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 May 05 - 06:08 PM

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an inn where there was a mirror which will grant you a wish if you tell the truth or swallow you up if you tell a lie....The brunette stands in front of the mirror and says.."I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world"....and is immediately swallowed up by the mirror. The redhead does the same and is also swallowed up.....The blonde stands in front of the mirror and says " I think" and is immediately swallowed up by the mirror.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Paranoid Android
Date: 06 May 05 - 09:57 PM

Irishman goes to live in London and meets beautiful girl whom he dates for over six months without making and sexual advances. On his birthday she decides to take matters in hand so she cooks him a gourmet meal and then invites him to her bedroom. She removes her clothing and is wearing only a crotchless panties and lying spreadeagled on the bed she says, "How would you like to get your tongue in there for dessert?". "Oh, jasus NO", he replied, "Look at what it did to your knickers".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 06 May 05 - 08:43 AM

So the husbands decide to let their wives have a girls' night out. The two women drive off to town, have a great time, and are driving home when they realize they really have to pee. So they pull over by a graveyard, and the driver squats, has a pee, wipes herself with her panties and throws them away into the bushes. Ugh, says the passenger, that was gross. So she squats, has a pee, takes a card from one of the graves to wipe herself, and off they go home.
The next day the husbands are talking, and one says, we better not let the women go out alone anymore. Why not? Well, mine came back with no panties on! That's nothing, said the other, mine came back with a note stuck to her butt that said We will never forget you!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 04:19 PM

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. "While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Leadfingers
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 12:42 PM

A keen amateur Rugby player asked his Parish Priest if they played Rugby in Heaven . The Priest said he would check . Next time they met the priest said He'd checked with God , and there was good AND bad news ! The good news was that they did , and the bad news was that he was first reserve at next weeks game !

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Bainbo
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 11:41 AM

What did Henry the Eighth have in common with Attila the Hun?

Same middle name.


(Substiture Kermit the Frog, Catherine the Great, etc as the mood takes you)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 11:30 AM

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 03:17 AM

DEATH BED CONFESSION


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Every thing's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" " I know, sweetheart," whispered
Becky, "just relax and let the poison work."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 06:13 PM

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".



Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Leadfingers
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 08:14 AM

This IS a joke !! Where's Ted ?? 100 th post

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 07:50 AM

Some things you'll never hear a redneck say:

"I'll take Shakespeare for $500, Alex."

"Checkmate"

"When they go on sale I'll get some smaller tires for my truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,georgiansilver
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 04:52 PM

So this guy goes into a bar and sees a man with a matchbox....and he asks,,whats in it?....The man says...."Oh I have a spider in here" and he says "O.K show me your spider".....to which the man orders the spider out of his prison.......The spider steps out!......The man orders it to walk along the bar...which it does....He orders it to "Halt" which it does and he then pulls off all its legs......and puts it back in the matchbox. O.K says the questioner...so what's so good about that?....You'll see said the spiders owner.....He then ordered the spider out of the box....the spider of course cannot move......he orders it again to come out of the box...still no action.....The questioner says....."So what do you think this means"?....The owner says...."Well...if you pull its legs off it goes deaf"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 04:42 PM

The Nature of Politics

"People who are willing to do what it takes to get elected into public office, are morally unfit to hold such office."
Unknown

"Power is not alluring to pure minds."
Thomas Jefferson

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
Bill Clinton, before the Monica scandal

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
Dan Quayle

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and ex-mayor of Philadelphia

"I've always thought that under-populated countries in Africa are vastly under-polluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle

"Solutions are not the answer."
Richard Nixon

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
Bob Dole

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
Dan Quayle

"You can't just let nature run wild."
Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
Dan Quayle

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
Dan Quayle

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:10 AM

-day Mate,

Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night, the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb as he divided up the loaves.

As the years went by, the kids would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases. Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread.

Finally, one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed, "I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Apr 05 - 04:04 AM

The pirate was being interviewed by local radio! He was asked how he had lost his leg and said it had become trapped between two ships in the midst of an attack. He was also asked how he got his hook instead of his right hand and said he had lost his arm the same way on another raid. He was asked why he had the patch over his eye and he said he had looked up and a bird had done one straight into his eye. The interviewer suggested that bird poo cannot cause one to lose an eye...and our pirate said "But I had only got my hook the day before"
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 05 - 11:32 PM

When Mitch Wyman's Charleston, S.C., home was
burgled, one of the things the thief took was his guitar. It was the
same one that had been stolen in a burglary at the Wyman home four
years before, and "still had the evidence tag" from that case, says
Wyman's wife, Theresa. The suspect's name had a familiar ring to it
too: Richard Wayne Cook, 44, who was convicted for the first burglary,
was arrested at the music store where he allegedly tried to sell the
stolen guitar. It was the same store that helped Wyman get it back the
first time. "This guy is a moron," Theresa said. Mitch agreed, noting
"It's to the point to where we're going to have to get a burglar alarm
for one person." (Charleston Post and Courier)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 05 - 05:32 PM

"Escape"

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in
the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were
very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.