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BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005

The Fooles Troupe 20 Apr 05 - 08:36 PM
Georgiansilver 20 Apr 05 - 06:02 PM
GUEST,Uncle DaveO 20 Apr 05 - 12:54 PM
Jim Dixon 20 Apr 05 - 11:54 AM
GUEST,Uncle DaveO 20 Apr 05 - 11:52 AM
Den 20 Apr 05 - 10:23 AM
Georgiansilver 20 Apr 05 - 09:44 AM
GUEST 20 Apr 05 - 06:12 AM
Den 19 Apr 05 - 10:29 AM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Apr 05 - 09:43 AM
Wilfried Schaum 19 Apr 05 - 02:37 AM
wlisk 18 Apr 05 - 10:48 PM
The Fooles Troupe 18 Apr 05 - 09:53 PM
John Hardly 16 Apr 05 - 12:01 PM
GUEST,Mappa Mundi 16 Apr 05 - 11:42 AM
GUEST,bfdk 15 Apr 05 - 05:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Apr 05 - 11:49 AM
Den 15 Apr 05 - 11:43 AM
Peace 15 Apr 05 - 10:49 AM
JennyO 15 Apr 05 - 10:32 AM
GUEST,CrazyEddie 15 Apr 05 - 10:15 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Apr 05 - 06:13 AM
The Walrus 15 Apr 05 - 05:00 AM
GUEST,Fossil away from home 15 Apr 05 - 04:24 AM
Bob the Postman 14 Apr 05 - 07:01 PM
Jim Dixon 14 Apr 05 - 06:15 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Apr 05 - 01:47 PM
GUEST,JennyO 14 Apr 05 - 09:55 AM
The Fooles Troupe 14 Apr 05 - 05:21 AM
The Fooles Troupe 11 Apr 05 - 07:19 PM
Jim Dixon 11 Apr 05 - 02:20 PM
The Fooles Troupe 11 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM
The Fooles Troupe 11 Apr 05 - 09:20 AM
The Fooles Troupe 11 Apr 05 - 09:13 AM
GUEST 10 Apr 05 - 05:54 PM
The Fooles Troupe 09 Apr 05 - 09:15 PM
Peace 09 Apr 05 - 05:27 PM
wlisk 09 Apr 05 - 05:25 PM
The Fooles Troupe 09 Apr 05 - 06:55 AM
heric 09 Apr 05 - 01:08 AM
GUEST,Elfcall 08 Apr 05 - 07:40 AM
Georgiansilver 08 Apr 05 - 03:12 AM
Peace 07 Apr 05 - 11:27 PM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Apr 05 - 07:50 PM
Wilfried Schaum 07 Apr 05 - 02:23 PM
Roger the Skiffler 07 Apr 05 - 09:36 AM
The Fooles Troupe 05 Apr 05 - 06:39 PM
Swave N. Deboner 05 Apr 05 - 02:32 PM
MudGuard 05 Apr 05 - 01:57 PM
Uncle_DaveO 05 Apr 05 - 01:17 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 08:36 PM

Jim,

the chicken coop joke relies on the sound of the word 'coupe' - a type of 2 door car - it is not pronounced 'coupey', but 'coop' - the term may have fallen out of modern marketing favour.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 06:02 PM

O.K Den...here it is.
      
       RECOGNITION.

Saint Peter wanted a whole day off,
From his work at the pearly gates.
To go and play a game of golf,
With some of his heavenly mates.

"Jesus" he said "Your dad told me,
I could have a day of rest.
If someone would stand in for me,
Could you? It's not a test."

"Of course" said Jesus, "willingly,
But who would I keep out?
Best write a list for me St Pete,
In case there's any doubt."

The following morning Jesus stood,
At the pearly gates for Pete.
Sent some away and let some in,
The list was near complete.

Then Jesus saw an aged man,
With long grey hair and beard.
Someone He thought he recognised,
The feeling was quite wierd.

"Come to take your place"? he asked
The old man He thought He knew.
"I'm searching for my son" said the man,
"My search has been long and true"

"What did you do on earth old man"
Asked Jesus with due haste.
"A brilliant carpenter" he said,
"I furnished many a place".

Jesus looked at the man again,
Who he really thought he knew.
"How would you know this son"? he asked,
As He sought another clue.

"That's really easy" the old man said,
You'll know him if you meet.
He's the only one I've ever seen,
with holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus became excited now,
As any person can.
"Father"? Jesus asked him,
"Pinnocio"? asked the man!.

Best wishes, Mike.
P.S...I write joke poetry as a hobby.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 12:54 PM

"Under The Sea..."

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project
on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or
write about their experiences. Teachers got together
to compare the results and put together some of the
comments that were funny and some that were sad.
Here are some of them. The kids were all aged
between 5 and 8 years. . . . . .

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you
don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth,
just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any
more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of
its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes
back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade
winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the
wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen
age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother
is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps
shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves
under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.
(Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold,
and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the
summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and
watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend.
It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it
has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship,
and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go
down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off
when she was going very fast. She says she won't
do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie
age 7)

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 11:54 AM

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

(Yeah, I don't think it's very funny either, but one of my coworkers sure laughed when she got it in an email.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 11:52 AM

The prison inmate said confidentially to his school-teacher mother when she visited him, "I've promised that female guard over there that I'll marry her if she helps me escape."

"Oh, no!" said mom. "You can't do that!"

"Why not?" says the convict.

"You'd be using a proposition to end a sentence with!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 10:23 AM

Mike, why don't you post your poem.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 09:44 AM

Den, that's from one of my poems...written many years ago.
Best wishes, Mike.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 06:12 AM

wefwesh


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 19 Apr 05 - 10:29 AM

Jesus is walking around the Gardens of heaven. Taking in the beautiful vistas and the sounds of the song birds twittering in the trees. He rounds a corner and sees an old man standing by himself gazing forlornly at the ground. Jesus approaches the old man and says, "I couldn't help but notice that you look very sad, what ever can be the matter". "This is Heaven," he continued, "the place of great joy, where we have everything we could possibly need or want". "Thats true", said the old man, "but I have searched everywhere for the thing that I most want and I finally came here and I still can't find him, my only son." "Who are you," asks Jesus. "Oh I'm just a poor simple carpenter," replies the old man. "My father was a carpenter," say Jesus,"and what does your son look like," he continued. "Well", said the old man, "hes not hard to spot, he has holes in his hands and in his feet". "Suddenly Jesus is taken aback, Father", he Says. The old man looks at Jesus and asks, "Pinocchio"?


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Apr 05 - 09:43 AM

"Ceremony"

Ken and Meg had finished their breakfast at the retirement
home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Meg, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't do them like they used to.
For instance, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little
humor to the occasion."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 19 Apr 05 - 02:37 AM

Foolestroupe -
(you're gonna love this) indeed!
(You're singing it, aren't you?) how the hell did you know?
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! wrong, me dear - I laughed out loud!

One of the best published here, so musical, and so folky. Go on.

Wilfried


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Apr 05 - 10:48 PM

Sven and Ole got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said
the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot
let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a
few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck one Norge asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?"

"Yaaah, I tink ve're pretty close to vhere ve crashed last year."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Apr 05 - 09:53 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "

Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) (a masterpiece) (wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: John Hardly
Date: 16 Apr 05 - 12:01 PM

Joe, after months of being "on the wagon" ...ok, it was just days, but it was days of dogged determination -- on the part of his wife...

...succombs to the tempting siren of whiskey that beaconed him from the nearby tavern door.

So Joe drinks until he get sick -- literally all down the front of his shirt.

"Oh shit", says Joe, "My wife is gonna KILL me!"

Ed, his drinking partner says, "naaaw, man, here's what you do" and he takes out a $50 bill and stuffs it in Joes shirt pocket. Then Ed says, "When your wife asks you about this tomorrow you tell her that some drunk passed you on the sidewalk and got sick all over you. Then he gave you this $50 to cover cleaning and any other inconvenience to you".

"That just might do the trick", says Joe, and he heads for home and bed.

In the morning, sure enough he's awakened by the angry shouts from his wife. She's reading him the riot act for going out drinking again. "YOU PROMISED!!!" she wailed. But then she notes the money in the pocket and says, "So what's this money?"

Joe, pleased at the prospect that this deception seems to be going well, contains himself sufficiently to spin the lie, "Some drunk passed me on the sidewalk last evening and barfed all over me. Drunk as he was, he was at least gentlemanly enough to give me $50 for having barfed on my shirt."

His wife seems somewhat satisfied but puzzled. "But there's $100 in your pocket. What's the other $50 for?" she asks.

Says Joe, "......oh, that. Well, he shit in my pants too."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mappa Mundi
Date: 16 Apr 05 - 11:42 AM

She was only the perfumiers daughter - but Max facter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,bfdk
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 05:54 PM

Three couples were staying in the same hotel somewhere in the British Isles, one American couple, one English and one Danish. In the morning they ended up seated at the same table for breakfast.

Says the American man to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, Honey".

Says the Englishman to his wife: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar".

The Danish bloke thought long and hard, then he uttered: "Will ye pass me the bacon, ye big, fat sow!"..

Bente, Denmark ;-))


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 11:49 AM

She was only the optometrist's daughter, but she sure made a spectacle of herself!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 11:43 AM

She was only the sergeant's daughter but she was full of the officer's mess.

She was only the Grave diggers daughter but she'd lie under any old sod.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 10:49 AM

She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 10:32 AM

She was only the bookmaker's daughter, but she came home at ten to one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 10:15 AM

She was only the dentist's daughter, but she knew the drill!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 06:13 AM

She was only the pilots daughter but she had a fur lined cockpit!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 05:00 AM

She was only the fishmongers daughter
But she lay on the slab and said 'Fillet'


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Fossil away from home
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 04:24 AM

She was only the admiral's daughter, but she gave a good naval display...


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 07:01 PM

She was Shostacovitch's daughter but she certainly was composed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 06:15 PM

She was only a rancher's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 01:47 PM

A "new"--to me, at least--take on an old theme:

"Only Daughter"

She was only a creditor's daughter, but she
allowed no advances.

She was only a taxi driver's daughter, but you auto
meter..

She was only a plumber's daughter, but she had
good connections.

She was only a surgeon's daughter, but oh, what
a cut-up.

She was only a photographer's daughter, but she
was well developed.

She was only the village belle, so I gave her a ring.

She was only a golfer's daughter, but her form was
perfect.

She was only the milkman's daughter, but she was
the cream of the crop.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 09:55 AM

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 05:21 AM

Why do elephants drink?


























To forget.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 07:19 PM

Chongo will be pleased!


We're all Bozos on this bus!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 02:20 PM

Hey, I just discovered a way to make an old, boring joke funny again. Put something about a banana in it!

Q. Who was that lady eating a banana I saw you with last night?
A. That was no lady, and the banana had nothing to do with it. That was my wife.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road eating a banana?
A. The banana had nothing to do with it. It was to get to the other side.

Q. Why do firemen wear red suspenders and eat bananas?
A. The bananas have nothing to do with it. It's to hold their pants up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.


This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - what is it with the bananas?

Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it, replies our friend. I'm just a bad conductor.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 09:20 AM

IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe.The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

* The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 09:13 AM

A Form Leter.
~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Idiot,

You have been given this citation for being a true MORON because you:

[ ] selfishly,
[ ] foolishly,
[ ] dangerously, and/or
[ ] rudely
[ ] failed to signal to change lanes.
[ ] cut people off.
[ ] tailgated.
[ ] crossed the gore.
[ ] left lane bombed.
[ ] right lane bombed.
[ ] drove slow in the fast lane.
[ ] drove fast in the slow lane.
[ ] don't understand "slow traffic keep right."
[ ] don't understand "left lane passing only."
[ ] parked in a handicapped spot without displaying authorization.
[ ] parked like an $@#%!$!!
[ ] created a new parking spot where none exists.
[ ] turned right on red when traffic was approaching.
[ ] created gridlock.
[ ] rubbernecked.
[ ] threw garbage out the window.
[ ] ______________________________.


You are an idiot because you:

[ ] weren't paying attention.
[ ] were driving while using a cell phone.
[ ] are just an idiot.
[ ] ______________________________.


To remedy this problem, please

[ ] walk.
[ ] take public transportation.
[ ] just stay home.
[ ] get a clue.
[ ] get a life.
[ ] stop breathing.
[ ] short pier/long drive.
[ ] take driving lessons.
[ ] learn how to read (signs, drivers manual, etc.)
[ ] ____________________________.


To ensure your public disgrace

[ ] a photo of your car
[ ] a photo of you
[ ] your license plate number
[ ] a full description of your car
[ ] a full description of you
[ ] ____________________________.

will be submitted for publication (or prosecution) to
the following organization _______________________________________________


Sincerely, The person who
[ ] you cut off.
[ ] you tailgated.
[ ] you generally annoyed.
[ ] keyed your car.
[ ] is going to slash your tires if you do this again.
[ ] you needlessly wasted the time of.
[ ] ___________________________.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 05:54 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 09:15 PM

The ABC's of ex-girlfriends...

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit she was only after your money and couldn't have given a shit about you.


B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do workout. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!


C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.


D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?


E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains one verything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.


F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.


G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.


H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.


I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.


J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.


K stands for Kill.


L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.


L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.


M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.


N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?


O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.


P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.


Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.


R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.


S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.


T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.


U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.


V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.


W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.


X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.


Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.


Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"


. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 05:27 PM

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 05:25 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. "Hi,
there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few drinks she turned around, faced him, looked
him straight in the eye. "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time,
anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter
to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just
flat-ass love it."

"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 06:55 AM

OK - not a joke - but really the best place to put this I thought.

It's no joke: Even animals `laugh'
Expert says dogs pant and rats chirp to express mirth
By Robert Roy Britt
Senior writer

Updated: 5:01 p.m. ET March 31, 2005


Studies by various groups suggest monkeys, dogs and even rats love a good laugh. People, meanwhile, have been laughing since before they could talk.

"Indeed, neural circuits for laughter exist in very ancient regions of the brain, and ancestral forms of play and laughter existed in other animals eons before we humans came along with our 'ha-ha-has' and verbal repartee," says Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist at Bowling Green State University.

When chimps play and chase each other, they pant in a manner that is strikingly like human laughter, Panksepp writes in Friday's issue of the journal Science. Dogs have a similar response.

Rats chirp while they play, again in a way that resembles our giggles. Panksepp found in a previous study that when rats are playfully tickled, they chirp and bond socially with their human tickler. And they seem to like it, seeking to be tickled more. Apparently joyful rats also preferred to hang out with other chirpers.

The first laugh
Laughter in humans starts young, another clue that it's a deep-seated brain function.

"Young children, whose semantic sense of humor is marginal, laugh and shriek abundantly in the midst of their other rough-and-tumble activities," Panksepp notes.

Importantly, various recent studies on the topic suggest that laughter in animals typically involves similar play chasing. It could be that verbal jokes tickle ancient, playful circuits in our brains.

More study is needed to figure out whether animals are really laughing. The results could explain why humans like to joke around. And Panksepp speculates it might even lead to the development of treatments for laughter's dark side: depression.

Meanwhile, there's the question of what's so darn funny in the animal world.

"Although no one has investigated the possibility of rat humor, if it exists, it is likely to be heavily laced with slapstick," Panksepp figures. "Even if adult rodents have no well-developed cognitive sense of humor, young rats have a marvelous sense of fun."

Science has traditionally deemed animals incapable of joy and woe.

Panksepp's response: "Although some still regard laughter as a uniquely human trait, honed in the Pleistocene, the joke's on them."

© 2005 LiveScience.com.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: heric
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 01:08 AM

A short story:






A guy asked a girl to marry him and she said no and he lived happily ever after.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Elfcall
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 07:40 AM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.



Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.



"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."



The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."



"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 03:12 AM

Uncle DaveO....
My dad taught me about time travel...he often used to say:-
"If you don't stop that, I'll knock you into the middle of next week"!
Best wishes. Mike.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 11:27 PM

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them."

The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 07:50 PM

"No Arguing With Logic"

My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing
and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD - "If you don't
pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't
you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What
were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...
Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower
cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 02:23 PM

A true one, but more on the sick, morbid, macabre side:

Some 2 hours ago I stood at one of my favourite bars.
Enter a local undertaker, shaking the hand of a friend and exclaiming:
"Oh my God, your hand is as cold as the Pope's!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 09:36 AM

(I hope this isn't one that's been posted before)
>>Today's Joke
>>
>>The Stella Awards
>>
>>It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
>>The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
>>hot
>>coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
>>inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
>>lawsuits in the United States.
>>
>>Here are this year's winners:
>>
>>5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000
>>by
>>a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
>>was
>>running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
>>understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
>>little
>>toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
>>
>>5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
>>medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
>>Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
>>car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
>>
>>5th Place (tie):
>>Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just
>>finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
>>door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
>>couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
>>garage
>>locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
>>found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case
>>of
>>Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
>>insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
>>agreed to the tune of $500,000.
>>
>>4th Place:
>>Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
>>expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
>>beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
>>was
>>less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
>>little
>>provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into
>>the
>>yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
>>
>>3rd Place:
>>A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
>>Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
>>coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
>>thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
>>
>>2nd Place:
>>Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night
>>club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
>>floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton
>>was
>>trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the
>>$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
>>
>>1st Place:
>>This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
>>Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
>>home.
>>On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the
>>freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
>>seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the
>>RV
>>left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
>>Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual
>>that
>>she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new
>>motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
>>this
>>suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

(and I hope they all failed on appeal)

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 06:39 PM

Is that why Aussies continue to refer to Our Loyal Prime Minister John Howard as Little Johnny?


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 02:32 PM

Anybody who's heard any Little Johnny jokes knows well enough to expect something vulgar. Here are a couple (sorry if they've appeared in other joke threads).

Little Johnny's in school one day, and the teacher says, "OK, class, today we're going to learn a new word. The word is 'URINATE.' Now, who can tell us a story that has 'URINATE' in it?"

Little Johnny is the only kid with a hand in the air. Knowing his propensity to be nasty, the teacher says, "Surely more of you are familiar with that word." Still no more hands are in the air, so she says, "All right, Johnny, tell us your story."

Grinning from ear to ear, Little Johnny chimes right in, "Me and my family went to the beach last weekend. This drop-dead gorgeous babe walked by, and right in front of my mom, my dad says to her, 'Yer an 8. If you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10.'"

The next day after school, Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench with a bag full of candy bars, happily stuffing his face. There's an old man sitting next to him who can't help notice. Finally, the old man says, "Son, you need to slow down with the candy. It's not good for you. If you keep on eating as much as that, you'll get fat, get pimples, and it'll eventually kill you."

Little Johnny glares at him and says, "My grandpa lived to be 110 years old."

The old man asks, "So, did HE eat that much candy?"

Little Johnny says, "No. He just knew when to mind his own f--kin' business."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 01:57 PM

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

Then a TEST FARM is an office filled with ???


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 01:17 PM

Warning! New Scam!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is when you stop for a red light a
young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends
to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this!

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...


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