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BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005

Deda 04 Apr 05 - 09:17 PM
wlisk 03 Apr 05 - 10:56 PM
Wesley S 31 Mar 05 - 09:06 AM
freda underhill 31 Mar 05 - 06:51 AM
The Fooles Troupe 31 Mar 05 - 04:56 AM
GUEST 31 Mar 05 - 04:00 AM
Inukshuk 30 Mar 05 - 08:56 PM
Wilfried Schaum 30 Mar 05 - 07:50 AM
Georgiansilver 30 Mar 05 - 05:56 AM
Splott Man 30 Mar 05 - 05:45 AM
curmudgeon 29 Mar 05 - 08:49 PM
GUEST,Sooz (via the back door) 29 Mar 05 - 10:55 AM
GUEST,Uncle DaveO 29 Mar 05 - 10:13 AM
Severn 26 Mar 05 - 07:13 PM
Big Mick 26 Mar 05 - 03:04 PM
Jim Dixon 22 Mar 05 - 03:47 PM
freda underhill 21 Mar 05 - 06:26 AM
Gurney 21 Mar 05 - 04:40 AM
Georgiansilver 19 Mar 05 - 05:19 PM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Mar 05 - 04:21 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Mar 05 - 04:54 PM
GUEST,Joe_F 18 Mar 05 - 08:49 AM
Wilfried Schaum 18 Mar 05 - 08:06 AM
The Fooles Troupe 17 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM
Troll 16 Mar 05 - 11:26 PM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Mar 05 - 08:46 PM
wlisk 16 Mar 05 - 06:51 PM
gnu 16 Mar 05 - 04:41 PM
Metchosin 16 Mar 05 - 03:41 PM
Susu's Hubby 16 Mar 05 - 01:32 PM
GUEST 16 Mar 05 - 12:55 PM
wlisk 16 Mar 05 - 12:47 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Mar 05 - 05:03 PM
Susu's Hubby 15 Mar 05 - 10:32 AM
Roger the Skiffler 15 Mar 05 - 09:39 AM
Bunnahabhain 14 Mar 05 - 11:14 PM
GUEST,Uncle DaveO 14 Mar 05 - 10:10 AM
The Walrus 13 Mar 05 - 05:56 PM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Mar 05 - 10:55 AM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Mar 05 - 10:54 AM
Bev and Jerry 13 Mar 05 - 12:41 AM
The Fooles Troupe 12 Mar 05 - 08:39 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Deda
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 09:17 PM

Nominated as the best short joke of the year....

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 10:56 PM

NEW WORDS FOR 2005 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:


BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps allover everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing the boss' butt rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichol show
or the Bachelor is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of
an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's
brain, could not be located).

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that is exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm,
or any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and
disgust (this often leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).

And lest we forget:

ANAL GLAUCOMA: Used as an excuse for not showing up for work. Translation
"I just couldn't see my a** coming in to work today."

Bill


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 09:06 AM

A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late ... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing. So I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well, your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but ... never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?"

Yep," said the Dad, "and cheap ones too."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 06:51 AM

The 25 commandments..


> 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall
> out.
>
> 2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't
> do it very often.
>
> 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any
> more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
>
> 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
> stupidity.
>
> 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the
> one you've never tried before.
>
> 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
> glance.
>
> 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
> that life is serious.
>
> 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
>
> 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
> government program.
>
> 10. If you look like your passport picture, you
> probably need the trip.
>
> 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
> of cheques.
>
> 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your
> other parts feel so good.
>
> 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
>
> 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal
> with it.
>
> 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the
> dishes.
>
> 16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
>
> 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
> narrowness of the waist change places.
>
> 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
> coming.
>
> 19. Rubbish is something you've kept for years and
> throw away three weeks before you need it.
>
> 20. There is always one more imbecile than you
> counted on.
>
> 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
> to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
>
> 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move
> the ends.
>
> 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
>
> 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
> contrast to the real world.
>
> 25. It ain't the jeans that make your bum look fat
>


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 04:56 AM

Forwarded to me.....

At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?"

"Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor and innocently ran with it. "Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!"

My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to explain why.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 04:00 AM

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean."

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the £500 joining fee."

The receptionist said, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."

To which Bob replied, "Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Inukshuk
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 08:56 PM

What an excellent musical Joke (C,Eb,G). Too bad most of my musician friends won't get it. I'm going to keep telling it anyway, just to show off.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 07:50 AM

"A" = the article, I guess. Cf. "an Eb", "a G ".


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 05:56 AM

"A"?


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Splott Man
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 05:45 AM

Then the G left

so the C had a tonic


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: curmudgeon
Date: 29 Mar 05 - 08:49 PM

Jeri and I have been vying at work to perpetrate this one on our musical colleagues. I suggested that she post ithere, but since she hasn't ...

A C, an Eb, and a G, having actively participated in a lively session, had worked up a great thirst, and thus went looking for a pub. They walked in, sat down, and ordered whisky. The barkeep placed three glasses on the bar and opened the bottle, but suddenly stopped. "Sorry lads, but we don't serve minors here."
















But the Eb, being a thoughtful chap, chose to get up and go, leaving the C and G an open fifth.

Thanks Kath -- Tom


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Sooz (via the back door)
Date: 29 Mar 05 - 10:55 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 29 Mar 05 - 10:13 AM

"Strange"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked
the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone,
"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would
be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone
and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Severn
Date: 26 Mar 05 - 07:13 PM

Q.Who catered The Last Supper?
A. Judas' Carryout.


"Pontius Pilate, You've crossed me for the last time!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Big Mick
Date: 26 Mar 05 - 03:04 PM

I thought this was cute as hell.

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Mar 05 - 03:47 PM

Copied from http://paulapeterson.com/Humor.html

HEAVY THINKER

Hi, everybody. My name is Bill W., and I'm a heavy thinker. It started out innocently enough, I suppose. I began to think socially at parties now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me. After a while, I couldn't control myself and I began thinking all the time. I even began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and work don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

Some of my co-workers began to notice the look of deep concentration on my face, and how they'd always see me with my nose buried in a philosophy book. I'd disappear during lunch and head down to the public park, where I'd read a few chapters of Aristotle, or sometimes I'd just sit there and stare off into the distance, lost inside my thinking. It was soon pretty clear to everyone around me that my thinking had gotten out of control. Now I was thinking most of the day, every day.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What exactly are we doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening, after thinking nearly all day at work, I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She left and spent that night at her mother's.

Before long, I had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, after I knew I couldn't hide it any longer, the boss called me into his office.

He said, "Bill W., I like you, and it hurts me to say this. But your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, we'll have to let you go. We just can't run a business here if our employees are thinking. Sooner or later, someone is going to get hurt. Get some professional help." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early that day after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking." she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, it's not that serious."

"It IS serious," she said, with her lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as some of those college professors, and college professors don't make any money! If you don't stop thinking, we won't be able to make ends meet!"

"That's faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and then she began to cry. She'd had enough, and so had I.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, listening to a National Public Radio station on the way. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ... but they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that God was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at those glass doors, whimpering for some Plato or Socrates, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering heavy thinker.

I never miss a T-A meeting. At each meeting, we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's Revenge." Then we share experiences about how we've avoided thinking since last meeting.

I got my old job back, and things are a lot better at home. My wife and I don't ever talk about those horrible days when I was thinking all the time. Life just seems ... easier, somehow, now that I've stopped thinking....


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 21 Mar 05 - 06:26 AM

There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter "Dat's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" C21 "You're right, mon ami!" says Henri. So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques. "Jacques!! Jacques!! Que ce qui se passe?" (Jacques!! What is happening??) With his dying breath Jacques calls out... "Ugh, run mon ami, run! Dat's not a Bacon Tree!" "Dat's......" "Dat's.......







"Dat's......... a.... Ham bush!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Gurney
Date: 21 Mar 05 - 04:40 AM

Copied and pasted this straight off an EMail. sorry if it's a duplicate. Gurney.


"A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated either masculine or feminine.
House, for instance, is feminine: La maison. Pencil, however, is masculine: Le crayon.
A student asked, "What gender is a computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male & female and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The men`s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender because-
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.


The woman`s group however concluded that computers should be masculine because;-
1. In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can`t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Mar 05 - 05:19 PM

The farmer is showing a potential buyer around his farm. He first shows him the cow sheds in which the cows are being milked and whilst unbeknown to him, the potential buyer is a ventriloquist..the buyer asks a cow.."How are you treated here and do you like living on this farm"?....Then answers by throwing his voice..."It is great here, we get well looked after and such lovely surroundings"....The farmer is bemused by this and takes the potential buyer to the chicken sheds where the ventriloquist asks the chicken..."Do you like living here and are you treated well"?...and throws his voice again in reply..."It is wonderful here, we are so well fed and life is first class"
The ventriloquist then sees a building at the bottom end of the farm and asks the farmer to take him there.....the farmer says.."You don't want to go there"!...."I do says the ventriloquist..If I am to buy your farm I want to see every inch of it and meet all the animals"
The farmer then says..."Well it's the piggery...and if they say I have been doing strange things to them they are liars"!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 05 - 04:21 PM

"Fraud Warning?!?"

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
         THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the
Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time
every year. Their letter claims that you owe
them money, which they will take and use to pay
for the operation of essential functions of the
United States government. This is untrue! The
money the IRS collects is used to fund various
other corporations which depend on subsidies
to stay in business.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit
called the Social Security Administration, who
claim to take money from your regular
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In
truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the
same misguided corporate welfare the IRS
helps mastermind.

These scam artists have milked honest,
hard working Americans out of billions of
dollars. Don't be among them!


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Mar 05 - 04:54 PM

"The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style"

QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.

Management comment: Elaborate!

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and
four of them are feet.

Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them
are feet and one is a tail.

Comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail
per unit-mouse.

Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and
one tail assembly per body.

Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four
legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the
end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!

Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this
policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misappropriation of scarce appendage assets.

Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to
a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse
structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse
sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental
in nature.

Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!


FINAL REVISION
APPROVED BY
MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 18 Mar 05 - 08:49 AM

A little boy comes into a hardware shop and asks for a packet of detergent. "What do you want it for?" asks the proprietor. "To wash my budgerigar" says the boy. "That won't do it any good" says the proprietor; but the boy buys it anyway.

A few days later, in comes the same little boy. "How is the budgie?" asks the proprietor. "Dead" says the boy. "What did I tell you?" says the proprietor. "It wasn't the detergent that did it" says the boy. "It was the wringer."

--- Joe Fineman    joe_f@verizon.net

||: Politics is a can of worms, and the president is the picture on the label. :||


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Mar 05 - 08:06 AM

An old soldier reports to St. Petr, at the Pearly Gates. Immediately he is transferred to hell.
"Since you are such an old soldier having done honourable service you are entitled to choose your special kind of hell" the devil says. "We have the politicians' hell, the media hell, Hollywood hell, sports hell and so on", and he describes all sorts of cruel tortures a damned soul might be submitted to in the different departments.
"And maybe you'd like the Army Hell. Here you will be thrown to a red hot gridiron, basted with boiling oil, and lit up with a match."
The soldier decides to join his squaddies in the army hell. He is led before a big door through which he heard a big noise. When entering he saw a wide hall crossed by a long bar beleaguered by all kinds of soldiers in every nation's uniforms, singing and drinking to the devil's health. Immediately he is offered a beer
"Where am I here?"
"In the Army Hell."
"But I thought I'd be thrown upon a red hot gridiron, basted with boiling oil, and lit up with a match?"
"Oh man, you're in the Army Hell! Gridirons are with reservation, matches are bottleneck, and when both are available at the same time, the gridirons are away for maintenance!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY

THE BEST IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.

"She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Troll
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 11:26 PM

Two coowboys are geing chased by indians.

They decide to try to lose them by dodging into a canyon, but that doesn't work because soon the canyon dead-ends.

Then the drums begin.

One cowboy calls to the other one,"My God! This is terrible."

From behind a rock comes a voice.

"Hey! He's not our regular drummer!"

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 08:46 PM

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.
The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into
the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for
the first time.

Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind
the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a
change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the
front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the
beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing
to me all these years."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 06:51 PM

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the
Irishman says, "Aye, this is a great bar, but where I come from, back
in Dublin, there's a BETTER one. At McDougall's, you buy a drink, you
buy another drink, and McDougall himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a great place. Then the Italian
says, "Yeah, that's a great bar, but where I come from, there's a
BETTER one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinnie's. At
Vinnie's,
you buy a drink, Vinnie buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink,
Vinnie buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy
says, "YOU THINK THAT'S GREAT???? Where I come from,
there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you
your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your
third
drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No", replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: gnu
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 04:41 PM

This is a visual.... you gotta act out the last part... Fellah from Kent County in TO, on last bit of money, decides to have one last good time. He spies a hooker and they go back in alley. She makes a few offers but he can't afford. She asks how much $ he has. $15. For that you get a "penguin". He shrugs, gives her the $15. She drops, pulls his pants down, starts blowing him. He starts to make "imminent noises" and she gets up and walks away.... this is where you act out the last part, which is walking like a penguin (ie, your pants around your ankles) sayin, "WAIT!!! WAIT!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Metchosin
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 03:41 PM

A penguin takes his car into a garage for repair. The mechanic tell him it might be awhile before he can figure out what's wrong with it, so the penguin decides to go across the street for an ice cream cone.

When he gets the cone he realizes penguins don't have any hands and he dumps the ice cream all over himself by accident.

So he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 01:32 PM

An old man was sitting on his porch when he noticed a boy walking down the street with a roll of duct tape.

He asked the boy,"Son, where you going with that duct tape?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!" the boy replied.

The old man said, "Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy grinned and said, "Just you wait and see!"

Later that day the old man spotted the boy walking back down the street followed by ten ducks attached to a piece of duct tape.

The next day, the man saw the boy walking with some chicken wire.

The old man said, " Son, where you going with that chicken wire?"

The boy replied, "Gonna go catch me some chickens."

The old man said, "Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy grinned and said, "Just you wait and see!"

Later that day the old man spotted the boy walking down the street dragging twenty chickens in a piece of chicken wire.

The next day the old man saw the boy walking down the street with a weed in his hand.

The old man said, "Boy, what you got in your hand today?"

The boy looked up and said, "Pussy Willow".

The old man said, "Wait for me, I'm going to go grab my hat."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 12:55 PM

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo all sitting in a pub.

Sleeping Beauty says, " I must be the most beautiful woman in the land."

Tom Thumb says, "I must be the smallest person in the land."

Quasimodo says, "I must be the ugliest person in the land."

They decide to achieve fame and go the office of the Guinness Book of Records.

Sleeping Beauty walks out smiling and says, "I'm in hooray."

Tom Thumb walks out smiling and says, "I'm in too hooray."

Quasimodo walks out and says, " Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles????"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 12:47 PM

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years   
old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge   
rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get   
over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.   

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear   
quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and   
the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"   

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.   

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.   

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"   
So they wiggled up close to each other.   

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the   
photographer.   

YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"   

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"   

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 05:03 PM

The Honorary Degree"

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a
small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million
dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition.
I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We
can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe
her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of
Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to
another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the
million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the
school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the
president related the deal and the condition. All of the
board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest
trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary
degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the
money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a
disgrace to us?"

"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an
honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an
ENTIRE horse."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 10:32 AM

Dateline: 1/15/05


Little Rock, Ar. - The US Department of Treasury along with the Department of Weights and Measures are investigating claims that the US quarter which honors the state of Arkansas is apparently jamming soda and snack machines all across the United States. Government officials are currently conducting tests to see if they are weighted improperly and their results are due out by the end of the month. One Arkansas Senator was quoted as saying, "I jest don't understand? We used a fresh piece of duct tape while putting togther the two dimes and a nickel!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 09:39 AM

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Manitoulin Island, Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do on Manitoulin Island?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do ya drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."


RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 14 Mar 05 - 11:14 PM

The Pope and a Cardinal die, and go up to Heaven. They're both talking excitedly about how they're about to meet God directly.
St Peter, at the gate tells them they can go in to meet God, and since they were so good on earth, they can have a private meeting, one at a time, a rare honour.
The Pope lets the Cardinal go in first, and he comes out again, a few minutes later. He asks how he saw God, and the Cardinal replies " She's black, for a start..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 14 Mar 05 - 10:10 AM

=54098/


"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"

A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far -
$500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the first ever Million
dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you
will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its
own nest? Is it........

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush.

"Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis
just to be sure."

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home
in Brooklyn." (ringing)

Carol (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin here from Who
Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she
is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help
to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's
and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible
answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds
to answer - fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Carol, which of the following birds does not
build its own nest?

Is it:

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

Carol: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo.

Barbara: "You think?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Carol." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on
for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Carol's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said
C-Cuckoo... you're right! - You have just won ONE
MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been
a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please
put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her
down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they
are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Carol
and asks "Tell me Carol, How did you know that it was
the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Carol: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo
lives in a clock."


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 05:56 PM

A Chinese Meal


A couple decide to go for a meal after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special ' Chicken Surprise ' .

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....



!
V




!
V



'I've brought you the Peking duck'




[Got coat, running for door]


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 10:55 AM

"Big Swindle"

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack
of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people
swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and
checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's
paper.

The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's
the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out,
"Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 10:54 AM

"A Priest and a Boy"

A priest is walking down the street one day when
he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the doorbell
is just out of his reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 12:41 AM

A guy who worked in an office in Manhatten was complaining to a fellow worker that every morning when he drove to work he always ran into a traffic jam in the Holland Tunnel. The co-worker says, "Hey, so do I. Let's come to work together and take turns driving."

"Great", says the first guy.

But it didn't work out. They both got carpool tunnel syndrome.

Bev and Jerry


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Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 05 - 08:39 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Well the First Joke Thread for 2005 has been idle for a while and getting lengthy to load, so we'll start number 2.... intentionally....

~~~~~
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.

I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"


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