BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Mar 05 - 08:39 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Well the First Joke Thread for 2005 has been idle for a while and getting lengthy to load, so we'll start number 2.... intentionally....

~~~~~
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.

I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 12:41 AM

A guy who worked in an office in Manhatten was complaining to a fellow worker that every morning when he drove to work he always ran into a traffic jam in the Holland Tunnel. The co-worker says, "Hey, so do I. Let's come to work together and take turns driving."

"Great", says the first guy.

But it didn't work out. They both got carpool tunnel syndrome.

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 10:54 AM

"A Priest and a Boy"

A priest is walking down the street one day when
he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the doorbell
is just out of his reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 10:55 AM

"Big Swindle"

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack
of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people
swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and
checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's
paper.

The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's
the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out,
"Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 13 Mar 05 - 05:56 PM

A Chinese Meal


A couple decide to go for a meal after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special ' Chicken Surprise ' .

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....



!
V




!
V



'I've brought you the Peking duck'




[Got coat, running for door]

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 14 Mar 05 - 10:10 AM

=54098/


"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"

A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far -
$500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the first ever Million
dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you
will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its
own nest? Is it........

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush.

"Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis
just to be sure."

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home
in Brooklyn." (ringing)

Carol (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin here from Who
Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she
is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help
to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's
and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible
answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds
to answer - fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Carol, which of the following birds does not
build its own nest?

Is it:

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

Carol: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo.

Barbara: "You think?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Carol." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on
for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Carol's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said
C-Cuckoo... you're right! - You have just won ONE
MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been
a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please
put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her
down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they
are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Carol
and asks "Tell me Carol, How did you know that it was
the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Carol: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo
lives in a clock."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 14 Mar 05 - 11:14 PM

The Pope and a Cardinal die, and go up to Heaven. They're both talking excitedly about how they're about to meet God directly.
St Peter, at the gate tells them they can go in to meet God, and since they were so good on earth, they can have a private meeting, one at a time, a rare honour.
The Pope lets the Cardinal go in first, and he comes out again, a few minutes later. He asks how he saw God, and the Cardinal replies " She's black, for a start..."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 09:39 AM

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Manitoulin Island, Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do on Manitoulin Island?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do ya drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 10:32 AM

Dateline: 1/15/05


Little Rock, Ar. - The US Department of Treasury along with the Department of Weights and Measures are investigating claims that the US quarter which honors the state of Arkansas is apparently jamming soda and snack machines all across the United States. Government officials are currently conducting tests to see if they are weighted improperly and their results are due out by the end of the month. One Arkansas Senator was quoted as saying, "I jest don't understand? We used a fresh piece of duct tape while putting togther the two dimes and a nickel!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 05:03 PM

The Honorary Degree"

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a
small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million
dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition.
I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We
can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe
her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of
Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to
another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the
million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the
school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the
president related the deal and the condition. All of the
board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest
trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary
degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the
money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a
disgrace to us?"

"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an
honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an
ENTIRE horse."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 12:47 PM

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years   
old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge   
rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get   
over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.   

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear   
quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and   
the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"   

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.   

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.   

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"   
So they wiggled up close to each other.   

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the   
photographer.   

YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"   

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"   

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 12:55 PM

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo all sitting in a pub.

Sleeping Beauty says, " I must be the most beautiful woman in the land."

Tom Thumb says, "I must be the smallest person in the land."

Quasimodo says, "I must be the ugliest person in the land."

They decide to achieve fame and go the office of the Guinness Book of Records.

Sleeping Beauty walks out smiling and says, "I'm in hooray."

Tom Thumb walks out smiling and says, "I'm in too hooray."

Quasimodo walks out and says, " Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles????"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 01:32 PM

An old man was sitting on his porch when he noticed a boy walking down the street with a roll of duct tape.

He asked the boy,"Son, where you going with that duct tape?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!" the boy replied.

The old man said, "Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy grinned and said, "Just you wait and see!"

Later that day the old man spotted the boy walking back down the street followed by ten ducks attached to a piece of duct tape.

The next day, the man saw the boy walking with some chicken wire.

The old man said, " Son, where you going with that chicken wire?"

The boy replied, "Gonna go catch me some chickens."

The old man said, "Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy grinned and said, "Just you wait and see!"

Later that day the old man spotted the boy walking down the street dragging twenty chickens in a piece of chicken wire.

The next day the old man saw the boy walking down the street with a weed in his hand.

The old man said, "Boy, what you got in your hand today?"

The boy looked up and said, "Pussy Willow".

The old man said, "Wait for me, I'm going to go grab my hat."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Metchosin
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 03:41 PM

A penguin takes his car into a garage for repair. The mechanic tell him it might be awhile before he can figure out what's wrong with it, so the penguin decides to go across the street for an ice cream cone.

When he gets the cone he realizes penguins don't have any hands and he dumps the ice cream all over himself by accident.

So he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: gnu
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 04:41 PM

This is a visual.... you gotta act out the last part... Fellah from Kent County in TO, on last bit of money, decides to have one last good time. He spies a hooker and they go back in alley. She makes a few offers but he can't afford. She asks how much $ he has. $15. For that you get a "penguin". He shrugs, gives her the $15. She drops, pulls his pants down, starts blowing him. He starts to make "imminent noises" and she gets up and walks away.... this is where you act out the last part, which is walking like a penguin (ie, your pants around your ankles) sayin, "WAIT!!! WAIT!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 06:51 PM

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the
Irishman says, "Aye, this is a great bar, but where I come from, back
in Dublin, there's a BETTER one. At McDougall's, you buy a drink, you
buy another drink, and McDougall himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a great place. Then the Italian
says, "Yeah, that's a great bar, but where I come from, there's a
BETTER one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinnie's. At
Vinnie's,
you buy a drink, Vinnie buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink,
Vinnie buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy
says, "YOU THINK THAT'S GREAT???? Where I come from,
there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you
your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your
third
drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No", replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 08:46 PM

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.
The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into
the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for
the first time.

Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind
the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a
change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the
front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the
beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing
to me all these years."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Troll
Date: 16 Mar 05 - 11:26 PM

Two coowboys are geing chased by indians.

They decide to try to lose them by dodging into a canyon, but that doesn't work because soon the canyon dead-ends.

Then the drums begin.

One cowboy calls to the other one,"My God! This is terrible."

From behind a rock comes a voice.

"Hey! He's not our regular drummer!"

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Mar 05 - 08:48 AM

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY

THE BEST IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.

"She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Mar 05 - 08:06 AM

An old soldier reports to St. Petr, at the Pearly Gates. Immediately he is transferred to hell.
"Since you are such an old soldier having done honourable service you are entitled to choose your special kind of hell" the devil says. "We have the politicians' hell, the media hell, Hollywood hell, sports hell and so on", and he describes all sorts of cruel tortures a damned soul might be submitted to in the different departments.
"And maybe you'd like the Army Hell. Here you will be thrown to a red hot gridiron, basted with boiling oil, and lit up with a match."
The soldier decides to join his squaddies in the army hell. He is led before a big door through which he heard a big noise. When entering he saw a wide hall crossed by a long bar beleaguered by all kinds of soldiers in every nation's uniforms, singing and drinking to the devil's health. Immediately he is offered a beer
"Where am I here?"
"In the Army Hell."
"But I thought I'd be thrown upon a red hot gridiron, basted with boiling oil, and lit up with a match?"
"Oh man, you're in the Army Hell! Gridirons are with reservation, matches are bottleneck, and when both are available at the same time, the gridirons are away for maintenance!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 18 Mar 05 - 08:49 AM

A little boy comes into a hardware shop and asks for a packet of detergent. "What do you want it for?" asks the proprietor. "To wash my budgerigar" says the boy. "That won't do it any good" says the proprietor; but the boy buys it anyway.

A few days later, in comes the same little boy. "How is the budgie?" asks the proprietor. "Dead" says the boy. "What did I tell you?" says the proprietor. "It wasn't the detergent that did it" says the boy. "It was the wringer."

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Politics is a can of worms, and the president is the picture on the label. :||

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Mar 05 - 04:54 PM

"The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style"

QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.

Management comment: Elaborate!

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and
four of them are feet.

Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them
are feet and one is a tail.

Comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail
per unit-mouse.

Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and
one tail assembly per body.

Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four
legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the
end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!

Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this
policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misappropriation of scarce appendage assets.

Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to
a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse
structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse
sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental
in nature.

Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!


FINAL REVISION
APPROVED BY
MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 05 - 04:21 PM

"Fraud Warning?!?"

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
         THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the
Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time
every year. Their letter claims that you owe
them money, which they will take and use to pay
for the operation of essential functions of the
United States government. This is untrue! The
money the IRS collects is used to fund various
other corporations which depend on subsidies
to stay in business.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit
called the Social Security Administration, who
claim to take money from your regular
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In
truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the
same misguided corporate welfare the IRS
helps mastermind.

These scam artists have milked honest,
hard working Americans out of billions of
dollars. Don't be among them!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Mar 05 - 05:19 PM

The farmer is showing a potential buyer around his farm. He first shows him the cow sheds in which the cows are being milked and whilst unbeknown to him, the potential buyer is a ventriloquist..the buyer asks a cow.."How are you treated here and do you like living on this farm"?....Then answers by throwing his voice..."It is great here, we get well looked after and such lovely surroundings"....The farmer is bemused by this and takes the potential buyer to the chicken sheds where the ventriloquist asks the chicken..."Do you like living here and are you treated well"?...and throws his voice again in reply..."It is wonderful here, we are so well fed and life is first class"
The ventriloquist then sees a building at the bottom end of the farm and asks the farmer to take him there.....the farmer says.."You don't want to go there"!...."I do says the ventriloquist..If I am to buy your farm I want to see every inch of it and meet all the animals"
The farmer then says..."Well it's the piggery...and if they say I have been doing strange things to them they are liars"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Gurney
Date: 21 Mar 05 - 04:40 AM

Copied and pasted this straight off an EMail. sorry if it's a duplicate. Gurney.


"A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated either masculine or feminine.
House, for instance, is feminine: La maison. Pencil, however, is masculine: Le crayon.
A student asked, "What gender is a computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male & female and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The men`s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender because-
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.


The woman`s group however concluded that computers should be masculine because;-
1. In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can`t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 21 Mar 05 - 06:26 AM

There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter "Dat's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" C21 "You're right, mon ami!" says Henri. So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques. "Jacques!! Jacques!! Que ce qui se passe?" (Jacques!! What is happening??) With his dying breath Jacques calls out... "Ugh, run mon ami, run! Dat's not a Bacon Tree!" "Dat's......" "Dat's.......







"Dat's......... a.... Ham bush!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Mar 05 - 03:47 PM

Copied from http://paulapeterson.com/Humor.html

HEAVY THINKER

Hi, everybody. My name is Bill W., and I'm a heavy thinker. It started out innocently enough, I suppose. I began to think socially at parties now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me. After a while, I couldn't control myself and I began thinking all the time. I even began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and work don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

Some of my co-workers began to notice the look of deep concentration on my face, and how they'd always see me with my nose buried in a philosophy book. I'd disappear during lunch and head down to the public park, where I'd read a few chapters of Aristotle, or sometimes I'd just sit there and stare off into the distance, lost inside my thinking. It was soon pretty clear to everyone around me that my thinking had gotten out of control. Now I was thinking most of the day, every day.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What exactly are we doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening, after thinking nearly all day at work, I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She left and spent that night at her mother's.

Before long, I had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, after I knew I couldn't hide it any longer, the boss called me into his office.

He said, "Bill W., I like you, and it hurts me to say this. But your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, we'll have to let you go. We just can't run a business here if our employees are thinking. Sooner or later, someone is going to get hurt. Get some professional help." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early that day after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking." she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, it's not that serious."

"It IS serious," she said, with her lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as some of those college professors, and college professors don't make any money! If you don't stop thinking, we won't be able to make ends meet!"

"That's faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and then she began to cry. She'd had enough, and so had I.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, listening to a National Public Radio station on the way. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ... but they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that God was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at those glass doors, whimpering for some Plato or Socrates, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering heavy thinker.

I never miss a T-A meeting. At each meeting, we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's Revenge." Then we share experiences about how we've avoided thinking since last meeting.

I got my old job back, and things are a lot better at home. My wife and I don't ever talk about those horrible days when I was thinking all the time. Life just seems ... easier, somehow, now that I've stopped thinking....

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Big Mick
Date: 26 Mar 05 - 03:04 PM

I thought this was cute as hell.

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Severn
Date: 26 Mar 05 - 07:13 PM

Q.Who catered The Last Supper?
A. Judas' Carryout.


"Pontius Pilate, You've crossed me for the last time!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 29 Mar 05 - 10:13 AM

"Strange"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked
the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone,
"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would
be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone
and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Sooz (via the back door)
Date: 29 Mar 05 - 10:55 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: curmudgeon
Date: 29 Mar 05 - 08:49 PM

Jeri and I have been vying at work to perpetrate this one on our musical colleagues. I suggested that she post ithere, but since she hasn't ...

A C, an Eb, and a G, having actively participated in a lively session, had worked up a great thirst, and thus went looking for a pub. They walked in, sat down, and ordered whisky. The barkeep placed three glasses on the bar and opened the bottle, but suddenly stopped. "Sorry lads, but we don't serve minors here."
















But the Eb, being a thoughtful chap, chose to get up and go, leaving the C and G an open fifth.

Thanks Kath -- Tom

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Splott Man
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 05:45 AM

Then the G left

so the C had a tonic

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 05:56 AM

"A"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 07:50 AM

"A" = the article, I guess. Cf. "an Eb", "a G ".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Inukshuk
Date: 30 Mar 05 - 08:56 PM

What an excellent musical Joke (C,Eb,G). Too bad most of my musician friends won't get it. I'm going to keep telling it anyway, just to show off.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 04:00 AM

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean."

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the £500 joining fee."

The receptionist said, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."

To which Bob replied, "Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 04:56 AM

Forwarded to me.....

At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?"

"Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor and innocently ran with it. "Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!"

My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to explain why.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 06:51 AM

The 25 commandments..


> 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall
> out.
>
> 2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't
> do it very often.
>
> 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any
> more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
>
> 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
> stupidity.
>
> 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the
> one you've never tried before.
>
> 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
> glance.
>
> 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
> that life is serious.
>
> 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
>
> 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
> government program.
>
> 10. If you look like your passport picture, you
> probably need the trip.
>
> 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
> of cheques.
>
> 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your
> other parts feel so good.
>
> 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
>
> 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal
> with it.
>
> 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the
> dishes.
>
> 16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
>
> 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
> narrowness of the waist change places.
>
> 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
> coming.
>
> 19. Rubbish is something you've kept for years and
> throw away three weeks before you need it.
>
> 20. There is always one more imbecile than you
> counted on.
>
> 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
> to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
>
> 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move
> the ends.
>
> 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
>
> 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
> contrast to the real world.
>
> 25. It ain't the jeans that make your bum look fat
>

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 31 Mar 05 - 09:06 AM

A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late ... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing. So I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well, your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but ... never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?"

Yep," said the Dad, "and cheap ones too."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 10:56 PM

NEW WORDS FOR 2005 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:


BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps allover everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing the boss' butt rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichol show
or the Bachelor is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of
an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's
brain, could not be located).

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that is exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm,
or any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and
disgust (this often leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).

And lest we forget:

ANAL GLAUCOMA: Used as an excuse for not showing up for work. Translation
"I just couldn't see my a** coming in to work today."

Bill

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Deda
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 09:17 PM

Nominated as the best short joke of the year....

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 01:17 PM

Warning! New Scam!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is when you stop for a red light a
young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends
to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this!

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 01:57 PM

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

Then a TEST FARM is an office filled with ???

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 02:32 PM

Anybody who's heard any Little Johnny jokes knows well enough to expect something vulgar. Here are a couple (sorry if they've appeared in other joke threads).

Little Johnny's in school one day, and the teacher says, "OK, class, today we're going to learn a new word. The word is 'URINATE.' Now, who can tell us a story that has 'URINATE' in it?"

Little Johnny is the only kid with a hand in the air. Knowing his propensity to be nasty, the teacher says, "Surely more of you are familiar with that word." Still no more hands are in the air, so she says, "All right, Johnny, tell us your story."

Grinning from ear to ear, Little Johnny chimes right in, "Me and my family went to the beach last weekend. This drop-dead gorgeous babe walked by, and right in front of my mom, my dad says to her, 'Yer an 8. If you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10.'"

The next day after school, Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench with a bag full of candy bars, happily stuffing his face. There's an old man sitting next to him who can't help notice. Finally, the old man says, "Son, you need to slow down with the candy. It's not good for you. If you keep on eating as much as that, you'll get fat, get pimples, and it'll eventually kill you."

Little Johnny glares at him and says, "My grandpa lived to be 110 years old."

The old man asks, "So, did HE eat that much candy?"

Little Johnny says, "No. He just knew when to mind his own f--kin' business."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Apr 05 - 06:39 PM

Is that why Aussies continue to refer to Our Loyal Prime Minister John Howard as Little Johnny?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 09:36 AM

(I hope this isn't one that's been posted before)
>>Today's Joke
>>
>>The Stella Awards
>>
>>It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
>>The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
>>hot
>>coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
>>inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
>>lawsuits in the United States.
>>
>>Here are this year's winners:
>>
>>5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000
>>by
>>a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
>>was
>>running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
>>understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
>>little
>>toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
>>
>>5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
>>medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
>>Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
>>car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
>>
>>5th Place (tie):
>>Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just
>>finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
>>door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
>>couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
>>garage
>>locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
>>found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case
>>of
>>Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
>>insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
>>agreed to the tune of $500,000.
>>
>>4th Place:
>>Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
>>expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
>>beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
>>was
>>less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
>>little
>>provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into
>>the
>>yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
>>
>>3rd Place:
>>A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
>>Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
>>coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
>>thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
>>
>>2nd Place:
>>Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night
>>club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
>>floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton
>>was
>>trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the
>>$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
>>
>>1st Place:
>>This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
>>Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
>>home.
>>On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the
>>freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
>>seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the
>>RV
>>left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
>>Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual
>>that
>>she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new
>>motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
>>this
>>suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

(and I hope they all failed on appeal)

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 02:23 PM

A true one, but more on the sick, morbid, macabre side:

Some 2 hours ago I stood at one of my favourite bars.
Enter a local undertaker, shaking the hand of a friend and exclaiming:
"Oh my God, your hand is as cold as the Pope's!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 07:50 PM

"No Arguing With Logic"

My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing
and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD - "If you don't
pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't
you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What
were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...
Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower
cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 11:27 PM

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them."

The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 03:12 AM

Uncle DaveO....
My dad taught me about time travel...he often used to say:-
"If you don't stop that, I'll knock you into the middle of next week"!
Best wishes. Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Elfcall
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 07:40 AM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.



Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.



"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."



The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."



"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: heric
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 01:08 AM

A short story:






A guy asked a girl to marry him and she said no and he lived happily ever after.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 06:55 AM

OK - not a joke - but really the best place to put this I thought.

It's no joke: Even animals `laugh'
Expert says dogs pant and rats chirp to express mirth
By Robert Roy Britt
Senior writer

Updated: 5:01 p.m. ET March 31, 2005


Studies by various groups suggest monkeys, dogs and even rats love a good laugh. People, meanwhile, have been laughing since before they could talk.

"Indeed, neural circuits for laughter exist in very ancient regions of the brain, and ancestral forms of play and laughter existed in other animals eons before we humans came along with our 'ha-ha-has' and verbal repartee," says Jaak Panksepp, a neuroscientist at Bowling Green State University.

When chimps play and chase each other, they pant in a manner that is strikingly like human laughter, Panksepp writes in Friday's issue of the journal Science. Dogs have a similar response.

Rats chirp while they play, again in a way that resembles our giggles. Panksepp found in a previous study that when rats are playfully tickled, they chirp and bond socially with their human tickler. And they seem to like it, seeking to be tickled more. Apparently joyful rats also preferred to hang out with other chirpers.

The first laugh
Laughter in humans starts young, another clue that it's a deep-seated brain function.

"Young children, whose semantic sense of humor is marginal, laugh and shriek abundantly in the midst of their other rough-and-tumble activities," Panksepp notes.

Importantly, various recent studies on the topic suggest that laughter in animals typically involves similar play chasing. It could be that verbal jokes tickle ancient, playful circuits in our brains.

More study is needed to figure out whether animals are really laughing. The results could explain why humans like to joke around. And Panksepp speculates it might even lead to the development of treatments for laughter's dark side: depression.

Meanwhile, there's the question of what's so darn funny in the animal world.

"Although no one has investigated the possibility of rat humor, if it exists, it is likely to be heavily laced with slapstick," Panksepp figures. "Even if adult rodents have no well-developed cognitive sense of humor, young rats have a marvelous sense of fun."

Science has traditionally deemed animals incapable of joy and woe.

Panksepp's response: "Although some still regard laughter as a uniquely human trait, honed in the Pleistocene, the joke's on them."

© 2005 LiveScience.com.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 05:25 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. "Hi,
there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few drinks she turned around, faced him, looked
him straight in the eye. "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time,
anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter
to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just
flat-ass love it."

"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 05:27 PM

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Apr 05 - 09:15 PM

The ABC's of ex-girlfriends...

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit she was only after your money and couldn't have given a shit about you.


B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do workout. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!


C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.


D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?


E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains one verything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.


F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.


G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.


H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.


I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.


J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.


K stands for Kill.


L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.


L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.


M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.


N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?


O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.


P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.


Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.


R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.


S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.


T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.


U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.


V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.


W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.


X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.


Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.


Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"


. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 05:54 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 09:13 AM

A Form Leter.
~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Idiot,

You have been given this citation for being a true MORON because you:

[ ] selfishly,
[ ] foolishly,
[ ] dangerously, and/or
[ ] rudely
[ ] failed to signal to change lanes.
[ ] cut people off.
[ ] tailgated.
[ ] crossed the gore.
[ ] left lane bombed.
[ ] right lane bombed.
[ ] drove slow in the fast lane.
[ ] drove fast in the slow lane.
[ ] don't understand "slow traffic keep right."
[ ] don't understand "left lane passing only."
[ ] parked in a handicapped spot without displaying authorization.
[ ] parked like an $@#%!$!!
[ ] created a new parking spot where none exists.
[ ] turned right on red when traffic was approaching.
[ ] created gridlock.
[ ] rubbernecked.
[ ] threw garbage out the window.
[ ] ______________________________.


You are an idiot because you:

[ ] weren't paying attention.
[ ] were driving while using a cell phone.
[ ] are just an idiot.
[ ] ______________________________.


To remedy this problem, please

[ ] walk.
[ ] take public transportation.
[ ] just stay home.
[ ] get a clue.
[ ] get a life.
[ ] stop breathing.
[ ] short pier/long drive.
[ ] take driving lessons.
[ ] learn how to read (signs, drivers manual, etc.)
[ ] ____________________________.


To ensure your public disgrace

[ ] a photo of your car
[ ] a photo of you
[ ] your license plate number
[ ] a full description of your car
[ ] a full description of you
[ ] ____________________________.

will be submitted for publication (or prosecution) to
the following organization _______________________________________________


Sincerely, The person who
[ ] you cut off.
[ ] you tailgated.
[ ] you generally annoyed.
[ ] keyed your car.
[ ] is going to slash your tires if you do this again.
[ ] you needlessly wasted the time of.
[ ] ___________________________.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 09:20 AM

IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe.The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

* The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.


This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - what is it with the bananas?

Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it, replies our friend. I'm just a bad conductor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 02:20 PM

Hey, I just discovered a way to make an old, boring joke funny again. Put something about a banana in it!

Q. Who was that lady eating a banana I saw you with last night?
A. That was no lady, and the banana had nothing to do with it. That was my wife.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road eating a banana?
A. The banana had nothing to do with it. It was to get to the other side.

Q. Why do firemen wear red suspenders and eat bananas?
A. The bananas have nothing to do with it. It's to hold their pants up.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Apr 05 - 07:19 PM

Chongo will be pleased!


We're all Bozos on this bus!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 05:21 AM

Why do elephants drink?


























To forget.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 09:55 AM

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 01:47 PM

A "new"--to me, at least--take on an old theme:

"Only Daughter"

She was only a creditor's daughter, but she
allowed no advances.

She was only a taxi driver's daughter, but you auto
meter..

She was only a plumber's daughter, but she had
good connections.

She was only a surgeon's daughter, but oh, what
a cut-up.

She was only a photographer's daughter, but she
was well developed.

She was only the village belle, so I gave her a ring.

She was only a golfer's daughter, but her form was
perfect.

She was only the milkman's daughter, but she was
the cream of the crop.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 06:15 PM

She was only a rancher's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 14 Apr 05 - 07:01 PM

She was Shostacovitch's daughter but she certainly was composed.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Fossil away from home
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 04:24 AM

She was only the admiral's daughter, but she gave a good naval display...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 05:00 AM

She was only the fishmongers daughter
But she lay on the slab and said 'Fillet'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 06:13 AM

She was only the pilots daughter but she had a fur lined cockpit!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 10:15 AM

She was only the dentist's daughter, but she knew the drill!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 10:32 AM

She was only the bookmaker's daughter, but she came home at ten to one.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 10:49 AM

She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 11:43 AM

She was only the sergeant's daughter but she was full of the officer's mess.

She was only the Grave diggers daughter but she'd lie under any old sod.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 11:49 AM

She was only the optometrist's daughter, but she sure made a spectacle of herself!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,bfdk
Date: 15 Apr 05 - 05:54 PM

Three couples were staying in the same hotel somewhere in the British Isles, one American couple, one English and one Danish. In the morning they ended up seated at the same table for breakfast.

Says the American man to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, Honey".

Says the Englishman to his wife: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar".

The Danish bloke thought long and hard, then he uttered: "Will ye pass me the bacon, ye big, fat sow!"..

Bente, Denmark ;-))

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mappa Mundi
Date: 16 Apr 05 - 11:42 AM

She was only the perfumiers daughter - but Max facter.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: John Hardly
Date: 16 Apr 05 - 12:01 PM

Joe, after months of being "on the wagon" ...ok, it was just days, but it was days of dogged determination -- on the part of his wife...

...succombs to the tempting siren of whiskey that beaconed him from the nearby tavern door.

So Joe drinks until he get sick -- literally all down the front of his shirt.

"Oh shit", says Joe, "My wife is gonna KILL me!"

Ed, his drinking partner says, "naaaw, man, here's what you do" and he takes out a $50 bill and stuffs it in Joes shirt pocket. Then Ed says, "When your wife asks you about this tomorrow you tell her that some drunk passed you on the sidewalk and got sick all over you. Then he gave you this $50 to cover cleaning and any other inconvenience to you".

"That just might do the trick", says Joe, and he heads for home and bed.

In the morning, sure enough he's awakened by the angry shouts from his wife. She's reading him the riot act for going out drinking again. "YOU PROMISED!!!" she wailed. But then she notes the money in the pocket and says, "So what's this money?"

Joe, pleased at the prospect that this deception seems to be going well, contains himself sufficiently to spin the lie, "Some drunk passed me on the sidewalk last evening and barfed all over me. Drunk as he was, he was at least gentlemanly enough to give me $50 for having barfed on my shirt."

His wife seems somewhat satisfied but puzzled. "But there's $100 in your pocket. What's the other $50 for?" she asks.

Says Joe, "......oh, that. Well, he shit in my pants too."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Apr 05 - 09:53 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "

Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) (a masterpiece) (wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Apr 05 - 10:48 PM

Sven and Ole got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said
the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot
let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a
few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck one Norge asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?"

"Yaaah, I tink ve're pretty close to vhere ve crashed last year."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 19 Apr 05 - 02:37 AM

Foolestroupe -
(you're gonna love this) indeed!
(You're singing it, aren't you?) how the hell did you know?
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! wrong, me dear - I laughed out loud!

One of the best published here, so musical, and so folky. Go on.

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Apr 05 - 09:43 AM

"Ceremony"

Ken and Meg had finished their breakfast at the retirement
home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Meg, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't do them like they used to.
For instance, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little
humor to the occasion."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 19 Apr 05 - 10:29 AM

Jesus is walking around the Gardens of heaven. Taking in the beautiful vistas and the sounds of the song birds twittering in the trees. He rounds a corner and sees an old man standing by himself gazing forlornly at the ground. Jesus approaches the old man and says, "I couldn't help but notice that you look very sad, what ever can be the matter". "This is Heaven," he continued, "the place of great joy, where we have everything we could possibly need or want". "Thats true", said the old man, "but I have searched everywhere for the thing that I most want and I finally came here and I still can't find him, my only son." "Who are you," asks Jesus. "Oh I'm just a poor simple carpenter," replies the old man. "My father was a carpenter," say Jesus,"and what does your son look like," he continued. "Well", said the old man, "hes not hard to spot, he has holes in his hands and in his feet". "Suddenly Jesus is taken aback, Father", he Says. The old man looks at Jesus and asks, "Pinocchio"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 06:12 AM

wefwesh

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 09:44 AM

Den, that's from one of my poems...written many years ago.
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 10:23 AM

Mike, why don't you post your poem.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 11:52 AM

The prison inmate said confidentially to his school-teacher mother when she visited him, "I've promised that female guard over there that I'll marry her if she helps me escape."

"Oh, no!" said mom. "You can't do that!"

"Why not?" says the convict.

"You'd be using a proposition to end a sentence with!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 11:54 AM

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

(Yeah, I don't think it's very funny either, but one of my coworkers sure laughed when she got it in an email.)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 12:54 PM

"Under The Sea..."

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project
on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or
write about their experiences. Teachers got together
to compare the results and put together some of the
comments that were funny and some that were sad.
Here are some of them. The kids were all aged
between 5 and 8 years. . . . . .

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you
don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth,
just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any
more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of
its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes
back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade
winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the
wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen
age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother
is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps
shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves
under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.
(Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold,
and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the
summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and
watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend.
It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it
has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship,
and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go
down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off
when she was going very fast. She says she won't
do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie
age 7)

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 06:02 PM

O.K Den...here it is.
      
       RECOGNITION.

Saint Peter wanted a whole day off,
From his work at the pearly gates.
To go and play a game of golf,
With some of his heavenly mates.

"Jesus" he said "Your dad told me,
I could have a day of rest.
If someone would stand in for me,
Could you? It's not a test."

"Of course" said Jesus, "willingly,
But who would I keep out?
Best write a list for me St Pete,
In case there's any doubt."

The following morning Jesus stood,
At the pearly gates for Pete.
Sent some away and let some in,
The list was near complete.

Then Jesus saw an aged man,
With long grey hair and beard.
Someone He thought he recognised,
The feeling was quite wierd.

"Come to take your place"? he asked
The old man He thought He knew.
"I'm searching for my son" said the man,
"My search has been long and true"

"What did you do on earth old man"
Asked Jesus with due haste.
"A brilliant carpenter" he said,
"I furnished many a place".

Jesus looked at the man again,
Who he really thought he knew.
"How would you know this son"? he asked,
As He sought another clue.

"That's really easy" the old man said,
You'll know him if you meet.
He's the only one I've ever seen,
with holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus became excited now,
As any person can.
"Father"? Jesus asked him,
"Pinnocio"? asked the man!.

Best wishes, Mike.
P.S...I write joke poetry as a hobby.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Apr 05 - 08:36 PM

Jim,

the chicken coop joke relies on the sound of the word 'coupe' - a type of 2 door car - it is not pronounced 'coupey', but 'coop' - the term may have fallen out of modern marketing favour.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 05 - 05:32 PM

"Escape"

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in
the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were
very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 05 - 11:32 PM

When Mitch Wyman's Charleston, S.C., home was
burgled, one of the things the thief took was his guitar. It was the
same one that had been stolen in a burglary at the Wyman home four
years before, and "still had the evidence tag" from that case, says
Wyman's wife, Theresa. The suspect's name had a familiar ring to it
too: Richard Wayne Cook, 44, who was convicted for the first burglary,
was arrested at the music store where he allegedly tried to sell the
stolen guitar. It was the same store that helped Wyman get it back the
first time. "This guy is a moron," Theresa said. Mitch agreed, noting
"It's to the point to where we're going to have to get a burglar alarm
for one person." (Charleston Post and Courier)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Apr 05 - 04:04 AM

The pirate was being interviewed by local radio! He was asked how he had lost his leg and said it had become trapped between two ships in the midst of an attack. He was also asked how he got his hook instead of his right hand and said he had lost his arm the same way on another raid. He was asked why he had the patch over his eye and he said he had looked up and a bird had done one straight into his eye. The interviewer suggested that bird poo cannot cause one to lose an eye...and our pirate said "But I had only got my hook the day before"
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:10 AM

-day Mate,

Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night, the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb as he divided up the loaves.

As the years went by, the kids would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases. Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread.

Finally, one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed, "I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 04:42 PM

The Nature of Politics

"People who are willing to do what it takes to get elected into public office, are morally unfit to hold such office."
Unknown

"Power is not alluring to pure minds."
Thomas Jefferson

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
Bill Clinton, before the Monica scandal

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
Dan Quayle

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and ex-mayor of Philadelphia

"I've always thought that under-populated countries in Africa are vastly under-polluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle

"Solutions are not the answer."
Richard Nixon

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
Bob Dole

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
Dan Quayle

"You can't just let nature run wild."
Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
Dan Quayle

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
Dan Quayle

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,georgiansilver
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 04:52 PM

So this guy goes into a bar and sees a man with a matchbox....and he asks,,whats in it?....The man says...."Oh I have a spider in here" and he says "O.K show me your spider".....to which the man orders the spider out of his prison.......The spider steps out!......The man orders it to walk along the bar...which it does....He orders it to "Halt" which it does and he then pulls off all its legs......and puts it back in the matchbox. O.K says the questioner...so what's so good about that?....You'll see said the spiders owner.....He then ordered the spider out of the box....the spider of course cannot move......he orders it again to come out of the box...still no action.....The questioner says....."So what do you think this means"?....The owner says...."Well...if you pull its legs off it goes deaf"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 07:50 AM

Some things you'll never hear a redneck say:

"I'll take Shakespeare for $500, Alex."

"Checkmate"

"When they go on sale I'll get some smaller tires for my truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Leadfingers
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 08:14 AM

This IS a joke !! Where's Ted ?? 100 th post

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 06:13 PM

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".



Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 03:17 AM

DEATH BED CONFESSION


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Every thing's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" " I know, sweetheart," whispered
Becky, "just relax and let the poison work."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 11:30 AM

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Bainbo
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 11:41 AM

What did Henry the Eighth have in common with Attila the Hun?

Same middle name.


(Substiture Kermit the Frog, Catherine the Great, etc as the mood takes you)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Leadfingers
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 12:42 PM

A keen amateur Rugby player asked his Parish Priest if they played Rugby in Heaven . The Priest said he would check . Next time they met the priest said He'd checked with God , and there was good AND bad news ! The good news was that they did , and the bad news was that he was first reserve at next weeks game !

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 04:19 PM

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. "While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 06 May 05 - 08:43 AM

So the husbands decide to let their wives have a girls' night out. The two women drive off to town, have a great time, and are driving home when they realize they really have to pee. So they pull over by a graveyard, and the driver squats, has a pee, wipes herself with her panties and throws them away into the bushes. Ugh, says the passenger, that was gross. So she squats, has a pee, takes a card from one of the graves to wipe herself, and off they go home.
The next day the husbands are talking, and one says, we better not let the women go out alone anymore. Why not? Well, mine came back with no panties on! That's nothing, said the other, mine came back with a note stuck to her butt that said We will never forget you!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Paranoid Android
Date: 06 May 05 - 09:57 PM

Irishman goes to live in London and meets beautiful girl whom he dates for over six months without making and sexual advances. On his birthday she decides to take matters in hand so she cooks him a gourmet meal and then invites him to her bedroom. She removes her clothing and is wearing only a crotchless panties and lying spreadeagled on the bed she says, "How would you like to get your tongue in there for dessert?". "Oh, jasus NO", he replied, "Look at what it did to your knickers".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 May 05 - 06:08 PM

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an inn where there was a mirror which will grant you a wish if you tell the truth or swallow you up if you tell a lie....The brunette stands in front of the mirror and says.."I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world"....and is immediately swallowed up by the mirror. The redhead does the same and is also swallowed up.....The blonde stands in front of the mirror and says " I think" and is immediately swallowed up by the mirror.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,blondie
Date: 11 May 05 - 07:29 PM

I resent that piece of stereotypical literature( Big words for a blonde eh?)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 11 May 05 - 09:36 PM

used this in a thread that a lot of folks will not be reading...so:



A woman touring a town in Israel when spotted a small store with dozens of interesting watches and clocks in the window. She stepped inside and said to the proprietor, "You have such an interesting display in your window. Do you sell timepieces?"

"No, I don't," said the storkeeper.

"Well, then you must repair them," exclaimed the woman.

"No, I don't repair them either," said the man.

"Well, what do you do?" asked the woman.

The man pointed to a little sign in the corner of the window that said "Mohel" and replied, "I perform circumcisions!"

"But you have watches and clocks in your window!" exclaimed the woman.

The man replied, "So what should I put in the window?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 11 May 05 - 10:35 PM

Subject: dressing a child


Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one !!!!



Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her

kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and

him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.



Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the

wrong feet."



She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling

the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool

as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right

feet.



He then announced, "These aren't my boots."



She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream "Why

didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again, she struggled to

help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's

boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."



Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up

the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet

again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 12 May 05 - 09:57 AM

What do Michael Jackson and Caviar have in common?













They both come on little crackers...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 05 - 10:42 AM

"City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam"

Name:_______________________________
Gang:___________________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses
6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by
shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt
before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to
Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram.
What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for
each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so
Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20%
more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and
$100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many
Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000
for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of
prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch
that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a
tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27
girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the
gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50
per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child.
If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more
children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail
was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and
returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping
bail?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 12 May 05 - 10:48 AM

This morning the House Judiciary Committee issued the Eleventh Commandment...


Thou Shalt Not Showeth Thy Rod To Thy Staff...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 May 05 - 06:46 PM

No! No! No!
It's

Thou shalt have no other Presidental Candidatwe before me.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 05 - 07:29 PM

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1.      Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2.      You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3.      The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4.      Your husband is sudden ly agreeing to everything you say.
5.      You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6.      Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7.      Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8.      You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super
Plus.
9.      You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10.    The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10.    Cats' facial expressions.
9.       The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8.       Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7.       Fat clothes.
6.       Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5.       The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4.       Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3.       Eyelash curlers.
2.       The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1.    OTHER WOMEN

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 05 - 05:47 PM

"Living in Michigan"

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another
fellow took a seat beside him. The new guy was
an absolute wreck....pale, hands shaking, biting
his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.

"Oh man.... I've been transferred to Michigan," the
other guy answered, "there's crazy people in
Michigan....and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."

"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Michigan
all my life and it is not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and
it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking
for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been
worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK,
I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Chuck, "Oh, I'm nothing special. I'm a
tail gunner on a bread truck in Dearborn."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 May 05 - 08:10 PM

The truth about Ireland (found on the web ...):

IRELAND

Ireland is a country in West Europe. It is on an island that is divided into two parts. The south is Ireland, the north is Northern Ireland. It is a bit like Korea, but without so many Koreans and without atomic weapons. In the East of the island is the capitol Dublin (also called Baile Atha Cliusai), in the South is Cork, in the West are the Cliffs of Mohair and in the North are British soldiers.

Some people think that Ireland used to be Atlantis, but they are wrong: Atlantis was a very advanced and civilised country with a high culture admired by the Greeks, but Ireland was populated by the Celts instead. Even so the Celts were not the first people living in Ireland - before them there lived the Leprechauns, the Fenians and Dana. The Celts sent them all underground and then decided to become Christians. This had to do with Saint Patrick, who brought the shamrock to Ireland but banned snakes and smoking. Other famous Irish saints who helped to save civilisation were St. Columba who civilised Scotland and St. Oliver Plunkett who gave head for his faith. St. Kilian was so good at making Christians out of the Franks that they even made him and some friends martyrs.

Apart from saints the Irish also had heroes. They are hard to keep track of as they were changing their names quite often. Satan called himself Cuchullain when he died, tied to a raven in the General Post Office. This name means "dog" and a lot of heroes also took names from nature, like Bono Fox and The Hedge. Other Irish heroes were Finn Mac Cool, Manannan Mac Lir and Ceol Agus Craic.

All this came to a terrible end when Oliver Cromwell went to Ireland. He was an English Hitler, but with warts instead of a moustache. After killing the King of England he wanted to have Ireland as well and came with many soldiers. He threw the Irish out and told them to go "To Hell or to Connecticut". This is why there are so many Irishmen in America! Those who could not afford to go to America went elsewhere or ate only potatoes in protest. Then the potatoes were all poisoned by the Englishmen so that the Irishmen still in Ireland starved to death or went to America.

It is no wonder that the Irish rebelled mightily at this. The first big rebel tried to export the French Revolution to Ireland but was not very successful - his name was Wolfe Tones and he became a folk singer instead, recording the best song in the world as the BBC found out. Wolfe Tones was a Unified Irishman and his successor was Robert Emmet who had a green uniform (Wolfe Tones's was blue because it was from a French designer, but himself was Irish) and managed to free parts of Dublin from the English. But the English did not like this and hanged him. So he was also not very successful. After Emmet some Irishmen joined Napoleon in conquering Europe but he went to Russia instead of throwing the English out of Ireland - so they were not successful either. Then most Irishmen fought against the Confederation in America freeing the slaves and then tried to free the Canadians from the English. They were not successful. In the First World War a lot of Irishmen fought for the English against the Germans. Those who did not want this got guns from the Germans and fought against the English. As this took part in Dublin it was called the "Eastern Rebellion". The rebels liberated a post office and a biscuit factory, so they had enough stamps and enough to eat. But the English had bigger, better and more guns and the Irish had to give up. As they were then all shot to death, they also were not very successful. Except for de Valera because he was American and Countess Mascara who was a woman. Then the First World War ended and England had enough of the Irish who were always revolting. So Michael Collins, the "Thick Fellow", sold Ulster to the King of England and became a Free State for this. He was the first really successful Irish rebel. So the Irish shot him.

After all those rebellions Ireland decided to be neutral in future. This means that in a war you do not pick a side until you know who is winning. In the Second World War the Irish were very careful and even told the German embassy that they were sorry the hear of Hitler's death, just in case the Germans made a sudden comeback. In the Gulf War against Terror the Irish were so neutral they even allowed the Americans to refill their planes on the way to Iraq. They would have allowed the same to the Iroquois but they did not fly to the USA.

The Irish have a lot of trouble with the English because of Northern Ireland. In Ireland most people are Catholics. "Catholic" means something like "all over" or "everywhere", the Catholics want the Irish to have power everywhere in Ireland. They show this by wearing green. They are also called "Publicans". On the other side are the "Royalists" who want Ulster to keep the English Queen. As they are constantly protesting against the Publicans they are also known as "Protestants". They wear orange most of the time, except when playing Holland in the football. There are also some Pressed Aryans, they wear paisley patterns and do not dance.

Among these groups there is a lot of fighting, so they have their own armies. The Catholics have the Irish Publican Army, while the Protestants have the Glasgow Rangers. There are also an Irish and an English army. So it is very complicated to find out who is fighting who. Especially as the soldiers themselves sometimes do not know who they just shot dead. In this case politicians have to take over and explain the term "collateral damage". This is a bit like "friendly fire", you are dead, but it is OK, as nobody really meant to kill you.

In Ireland sport is very popular. But it is also confusing. When Irish people play proper football, they call it soccer. The most popular teams are Manchester United, Fai Muppets and Celtic Glasgow. The last are also known as the "Celtic Tigers" because they wear green-striped shirts. Publicans love them because they beat the Glasgow Rangers.

But if the Irish are talking about Football, they mean their own version which allows the ball to be carried in the hands, gives points for missing the goal and yellow cards only when you kill another player (or speak English on the playing field). Hurling is very similar, but players are allowed to use Irish baseball bats as weapons. If players are wearing skirts, hurling is called camogie. There is also handball, but this is similar to squash. The Irish are not very successful at international sports except when they are sitting on a horse or there is a chance to beat the English up without penalty, as in rugby.

It is similar with driving, Jordan is an Irish team in Formula One. Most problems with driving come from the fact that the Irish actually drive on the wrong side of the road. This is not as complicated as it sounds because their cars are built the wrong way round as well. So in traffic everything that is left in Germany is right in Ireland and everything that is right is wrong. This also makes it a bit more complicated when Irish people are giving directions. So a lot of tourists get lost when they drive in Ireland, especially on the famous Ring of Kerrygold.

Tourists are a big income in Ireland and are made welcome a hundred thousand times. The Irish like strangers very much and invite them into their houses. This is because they like to get news and stories from foreign countries and like to be guestgivers. Then they sit around the turf fire, sing songs and drink Guiness or Whiskey, which is like Scotch, only Irish. Guiness is the national drink and black, it was invented by Martin McGuinness and tastes a bit like beer.

Irish music is very nice and many Germans listen it. Older people hear the "Dubliners" (which are also a book) and "U2" (which are also a plane). Younger people like more Westlife and Samantha Mumba (who also was in the Time Machine, but she is not a typical Irish girl). Also famous are "Riverdance" which won the Eurovision contest and Michael Flatfoot who left "Riverdance" and became the Lord of the Dance. He has a big house, but his girlfriend left him. Other people with big houses in Ireland are Enya (who made the music for the 11.9.), Jeremy Irons (who was the "Lion King") and the American ambassador (who has the house where the English were in before, this is in the Fenian Park in Dublin).

If you want to make holidays in Ireland, you can lend a gipsy caravan with a horse and lots of colours. This is the traditional Irish way of holiday and you will meet many travellers in caravans as well. They are all camping on green fields together, have campfires, games and are welcome everywhere. You can get to Ireland cheap if you fly with Ryanair. But they only have a small service because they are a "no thrills" airline. If you want more thrills, Cunni Lingus is the way to go.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 05 - 10:41 PM

Mudguard, that is wonderful!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,brucie
Date: 14 May 05 - 05:29 PM

'A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.' (Anon.)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,brucie
Date: 14 May 05 - 05:42 PM

The DNA research is coming along . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Fidjit
Date: 15 May 05 - 02:48 PM

At a dinner party a man burped. The host then said, "How dare you before my wife". "Sorry", said the man. "I didn't know it was herturn".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 15 May 05 - 04:02 PM

Hubby is sat up in bed reading the newspaper just before turning the lights out and his wife comes into the bedroom stark naked.

She pulls on brow and says "Look at the wrinkles".

Then she pulls under her eyes and says "Look at the bags".

Then she points to her breasts and says "Look how they droop".

She looks at the back of her legs and says "See, I have cellulite!"

She looks at hubby still reading the paper and says:

"Can't you see anything nice about me"?

"Your eyesight's good! he replies.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 05 - 02:33 AM

Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken

GENEVA—After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Jerome Maliszewski, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." Attendees at the combination summit and potluck dinner labeled it a qualified success, regretting the altercation that broke out between factions with differing views on skewer length.

For more News In Brief, visit theonion.com

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: UncleToad
Date: 18 May 05 - 03:24 PM

A really rumpled smelly lipstick stained drunk man holding a newspaper sits down beside a priest on a park bench...after much newspaper crackling and shuffling the drunk leans over and asks the priest what causes arthritis.
"It is caused by drinking too much cheap liquor, running around all hours of the night and by consorting with cheap floozy women," was the priest's reply.
"Oh my," said the drunk.
Feeling he had been a little harsh to the lost soul the priest asked him, "And are you suffering much?"
The drunk smiled, "Not me Father...says here the Pope has arthritis."

"Oh my," says UncleToad...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 18 May 05 - 05:39 PM

To be serious in a joke thread for a quick moment.....

The piece by Foolestroupe is so near the truth as I know it.

Last year I was fortunate enough to dance at the World Folkloriade in Hungary. Clearly the organising committee had thought of worldwide dietary conventions, and the dozens of venues we were at had all been told too and decided that chicken was as neutral as it could be.

So each day for lunch we got chicken. And for evening meal (at a different venue) we also got chicken. It usually came with rice - or noodles. Vegetarians got just rice, or noodles.

Best regards,

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 05 - 09:11 PM

Truth is stranger than fiction Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 May 05 - 05:58 PM

"People who are willing to do what it takes to get elected into public office, are morally unfit to hold such office."
       Unknown

       "Power is not alluring to pure minds."
       Thomas Jefferson

       "Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
       Bill Clinton, before the Monica scandal

       "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
       Hillary Clinton

       "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
       Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

       "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
       Dan Quayle

       "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
       Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and ex-mayor of Philadelphia

       "I've always thought that under-populated countries in Africa are vastly under-polluted."
       Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

       "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
       Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

       "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
       David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

       "It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
       Dan Quayle

       "Solutions are not the answer."
       Richard Nixon

       "The internet is a great way to get on the net."
       Bob Dole

       "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
       Dan Quayle

       "You can't just let nature run wild."
       Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor

       "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
       Dan Quayle

       "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
       Dan Quayle


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 20 May 05 - 06:28 PM

Dave, are you going to repeat this every four weeks? (look at your post from 25 Apr) ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 20 May 05 - 10:20 PM

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
BUSH

       "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
BUSH

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 05 - 04:02 PM

Mudguard:

I guess I could claim it's so good that it ought to be repeated, but the fact is that I had it in my collection of jokes waiting to be sent to my regular daily joke e-mail distribution, and I completely forgot that I had posted it to Mudcat. Sorry.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: frogprince
Date: 21 May 05 - 06:44 PM

"The police are not here to create disorder; the police are here
to preserve disorder" Mayor Richard Daley of Chicago, 1968.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 22 May 05 - 04:21 PM

Uncle Dave,
People who are willing to do what it takes to get elected into public office, are morally unfit to hold such office."
       Unknown

It was Plato, in the Republic.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 May 05 - 07:21 PM

"Warning"

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is when you stop for a red light a
young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends
to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this!

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: HuwG
Date: 28 May 05 - 11:10 PM

A man decides to replace the stereo system in his car. The salesman says, "Rather than just replace the system with the same model, would you be interested in our latest voice-activated hands-off intelligent model ?"

"How does that work ?"

"Let me give you a test drive in our demonstration car." The two get into the demo car and set off. The salesman says "OK. Radio on, BBC Radio 2". The radio turns itself on, and the car is filled with the sounds of golden oldie rock.

"Latest traffic reports, this area". The radio searches the local bands for a while, and then switches to a traffic report from a nearby radio station.

"Classical". The radio switches to BBC Radio 3 which is broadcasting something heavy by Bach. "No, too heavy. Something lighter". The radio switches to Classic FM, which is doing a Vivaldi concerto.

"You see", says the salesman. "This radio is intelligent enough to process and recognise any request, based on your mood and on availiable material". Just then, a child chases a football into the middle of the road ahead of them. The salesman slams on the brakes and screeches to a halt.

"F***ing children !", he says.

The radio starts playing something by Michael Jackson.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 05:22 PM

"Girlfriend Software"

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a
virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for
a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than
the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never
liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running
on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did
not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic
pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 07:26 PM

Shouldn't this have been posted in a 'TECH: thread' Dave?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: bobad
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 09:58 PM

Popular Singers
Inspired by
Fats Domino and
Chubby Checker.

BY DAN GUTERMAN

- - - -

Lard-Ass Backgammon

Heavyset Trivial Pursuit

Paunchy Stratego

Morbidly Obese Battleship

Could Lose A Few Scrabble

Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippo

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: Troll
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 10:13 PM

Slogan on a T-shirt:

                   EMBRACE YOUR INNER OGRE

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 01:03 AM

LOLOL Dave - love it!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 07:41 AM

Third Joke Thread for 2005