BS: Beer.

Subject: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 03:34 PM

Does anyone know where i can find an effective beer-monkey repellent?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 04:01 PM

Why would you want to keep the beer monkies away? Isn't that why you go to the pub?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Padre
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:21 PM

You could offer them Brown Derby beer, which would cause them to run screaming from the pub, and never return!

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:49 PM

LOL...Padre, yes, and also Canadian Ace...but there are some GOOD beers that we have shared that might do the same, but we won't mention those, will we?

(well, maybe Belgian Rodenbach)

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:53 PM

Oh yes, I remember trying that one once - only once.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: mandoleer
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 05:59 PM

Blissfully ignorant am I too. What is a beer monkey? I've met lager louts, and real ale people that would rather go without than have a pint of keg, but never knowingly monkeys. A word or warning, though. Make sure one of them isn't the Librarian before you refer to monkeys....

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 06:56 PM

The beer monkey: Fact or fiction?
The terrifying truth behind the myth
by Benson Hedges
For those of you who think you have never met the beer monkey, or know what an utter bastard he really is, then just cast your mind back to the last time you went drinking. When you awoke from a fitful night's sleep after the night before, did you get the feeling that your room had been rearranged? A feeling of slight disorientation may have ensued as you struggled to remember quite why your mountain bike was now parked unceremoniously halfway inside your wardrobe.

You would struggle in vain my friend, because it wasn't you who put it there. As you slowly sit upright in your bed, nursing that brain-melter of a headache, you may recall becoming aware of a very unpleasant taste in your mouth. Almost like... no! It couldn't be that?! Oh yes it is, oh yes siree!!

If you managed to make it to the bathroom before you peed yourself, you'd have undoubtedly had a nasty surprise when you looked in the mirror. How did your hair get to look so utterly crap? And where did all those spots come from? And wasn't it a good job you never pulled last night so whoever the lucky (?) person was didn't have to look in your toilet bowl and see quite the most disgusting collection of rancid turds imaginable. Are your guts really that bad?

Relax. The answers are coming.

Here is what actually happened: You arrived home at about a quarter past eleven at night feeling very good about yourself after a pleasant night out drinking with friends. You got merry but remained in complete control the whole time. Seconds after you handed the taxi driver a tenner and told him to keep the change, the beer monkey raced toward you from the darkness of your back garden. You had an instant gut feeling that something was terribly wrong, then WHAM! The beer monkey delivers a perfect neck chop and you fall to the ground, unconcious in seconds. He drags you back into your house, taking care to spread fag butts and half empty lager cans all over your next door neighbours' beautifully-presented garden masterpiece.

Once inside, he has you completely. As you lie dazed on the kitchen floor, the beer monkey powers up your hifi and plays your latest club anthem CD at full whack. As the walls pound from the relentless kick drums, he goes to work on your lounge, farting and smoking 20 Marlboro in as many minutes.

He crushes Kentucky Hot Wings into your sofa and raids your linen basket for the skiddiest pair of pants he can find then puts them under a cushion, ready to be discovered by whoever next sits in that chair. He drops some of your face moisturiser on the settee and lays a porno mag nearby to imply a late night chicken choker session.

You finally get to your knees, hearing all the commotion in your house, but before you can say "What the fuc*k ?" the beer monkey runs you over with your mountain bike, which you had been keeping in your spare room. After blatantly crashing your bike into your wardrobe, the beer monkey walks back into the kitchen and pins you down. He opens your fridge and forces you to drink seven cans of lager on the trot. He gives you a quick punch or two in the guts, and then drags you off to the bedroom, ruffling your hair all the way.

He then throws you down on the bed and starts throwing clothes everywhere. The next door neighbours are now banging on the wall from the pumping club music, so the beer monkey shouts a few obscenities, then turns off the hi-fi, making sure to set the timer so it goes off the same time the next night.

Feeling pretty pleased with his efforts by now, the beer monkey carries out his piece de resistance. He takes quite possibly the biggest shit ever in your bog, and instead of flushing it, he takes a small sample and rubs it around your gums as you lay there on your bed in a coma from the lager he gave you. Just one thing left now, he takes a bottle of cooking oil from your kitchen and pours it on your face and hair.

He bellows in triumph, drops a sickening fart, and then finally, at last, he leaves your house in search of his next, unsuspespecting victim.

So now you know just what the beer monkey is. He is a complete bastard. There's just one thing we forgot to mention. The beer monkey nearly always signals his approach by a noise which sounds uncannily like a football song being sung by drunks late at night.

Heard it lately?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 07:04 PM

Flippin' A, man! I know where you are, like, comin' from. You would fit right in good in my town, Blind River, the greatest little town in the whole flippin' world! Where do you live? When I finely get outta jail can I come and, like, visit you for a few months? I will help you drink, eh?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: mandoleer
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 07:14 PM

Ah well. The beer monkey would have problems here. No lager in the fridge. No lager in the HOUSE. (Occasionally some Czech lager, but rarely. Definitely no British brewed lager.) No fag ends - he'd have to bring his own. Not enough hair to ruffle, and clothes everywhere anyway so wouldn't know the difference. He'd never get my mountain bike up the stairs, and finding the wardrobe would be another job. Also no club anthems in the house (except on Radio 1 on a Sunday night if Drama on 3 is on - can't stand most radio plays). Seven pints of lager? That's equal to about two pints of proper beer or cider, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 24 Apr 05 - 08:24 PM

This better not be another smear on primates. I am fed up to the hackles with these dumb stereotypes.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Kaleea
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 05:53 AM

I "heard" they were those critters sent by the wicked witch of the west that come at flying you & attack you after you've been imbibing & are considerably lubricated.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 10:37 AM

Yes, yes, that's the bastard! That's it! The beer monkey! Sometimes he drags someone really ugly in off the street and puts them in your bed, too...there's just no end to his wickedness, i tell you...

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: GUEST,Nellie Clatt
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 10:38 AM

A cure ? Tetleys bitter, it's enough to cure anyone from drinking.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 10:42 AM

I thought, maybe, there might be some sort of aerosol you could spray on yourself before embarking on a voyage to the pub...like mosquito repellent...

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 10:42 AM

My original intent upon joining the internet was to track down and buy the original Danish Giraffe beer.

10 years later I still have had no help in obtaining this priceless commodity.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: mooman
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 11:01 AM

You need only have asked Donuel!

Giraf

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: mooman
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 11:03 AM

And what are these scurrilous remarks about Rodenbach!

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 11:07 AM

I reckon it's time to conduct a series of experiments. Today, i'm going to drink Stella, and see if the beer monkey gets me. Tommorrow, Tennents...Wednesday, Special Brew...actually, urgh, not Special Brew...

Funny thing is...the beer monkey gets you even you're drinking whisky. Or is that the whisky llama?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 11:22 AM

mooman, thanks but here in the land of the free we are not allowed to have the Danish beer by order of the ATF at the "request of domestic beer makers and the US imposed limit on alcohol content.

It would take a friend to mail it to me in the US since commericial retailers told me they are only willing to ship a pallet of beer and it may or may not be intercepted at customs.

An Atom bomb would probably get through but if I ordered beer it would probably get nabbed.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: mooman
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 11:41 AM

Guess I'll have to hold on sending you that crate of Delirium Tremens from here in Belgium then Donuel! (;>)

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 01:03 PM

IF you want to Fed Ex 4 six packs to me I could make it worth your while. I could pre pay, pay pal or any number of things.

As for my drinking habits, I have two or three beers and about 6 small Drambuis over the course of a year.

Giraffe Lager bottled in Denmark is what I have been seeking.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 01:10 PM

Abstinence.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: wildlone
Date: 25 Apr 05 - 04:04 PM

I for one kept away from the Beer side of Sidmouth when I was there.
Beer
Have you got your folk festival sites mixed up?
There are monkeys near to Swanage
Wareham Monkeys
dave

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 03:11 AM

Abstinance makes the hear grow fonder.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 05:17 AM

I must confess I'm not that fond of Rodenbach. I prefer Grimbergen.

But if you need any help with that case of Delerium Tremens, just give me a call.. I presume you have the appropriate glass with pink elephants on?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: gnu
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 06:03 AM

OH, those beer monkies. I thought you meant the ones with the trays who perform acrobatics weaving through crowded bars to deliver the beer.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 08:29 AM

The bastard got me. I woke up this morning next to a bag of mushroom pakora, wearing nothing but underwear and covered in drool...

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 08:59 AM

That's a beautiful picture Bliss.....

I don't think I've ever played host to the Beer Simian... although the Cone fairy did visit once.

LTS


The cone fairy - well how else does a 3ft, orange and white traffic cone end up at the bottom of the bed?

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 09:17 AM

Ooh, the cone fairy...the cone fairy....lol, she's got a lot to answer for too...

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Davetnova
Date: 26 Apr 05 - 12:39 PM

Well at least nobodies ever called ME a mushroom pakora.

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 04:58 AM

Why was the pakora wearing nothing but underwear>?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: gnu
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 07:52 AM

I recall a beer monkey incident with a fellow who worked for my father years ago. Dad received a call at work one morning and the fellow asked, "Do you know where I am?"... "No."... "Well, this call wasn't long distance, so I should be in fairly soon."

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: mooman
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 08:02 AM

The same way the 50km/hour fairy attached a one metre round sign to my daughter's bedroom wall Liz!

Richard

Subject: RE: BS: Beer.
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 27 Apr 05 - 12:17 PM

The beer monkey once made me steal a sign off of a security company. Some effing security company, eh? can't even secure their own signs...man...

The pakora was dressed in a little paper bag. i wasn't, cos the beer monkey had stole all my clothes except for my (co-ordinated, thankfully) bra and knickers. What a bastard...but the strangest thing is, i found my jeans in the shower...