BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern

Subject: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:32 AM

In Honour of MOAB'S birthday May 5th and also Mother's Day (May 8th this year) the Tavern is open.

The front door of course is conveniently located for ALL mudcatters (one of the beauties of this virtual tavern) and the East door is currently located in the Grand Tetons, the Western door opens onto a lovely little coral atoll in the South Pacific with an enclosed lagoon, sandy beach and tropical flowers in abundance. The southern door for some wierd reason opens into Stilly River Sage's back yard (mind the poisen ivy!) and of course 'Spaw's DOOR OF DOOM is boarded over to prevent use. The northern door opens onto Little Bear Creek "between Laramie and Boulder, where the yellow flowers are firing up in the Spring, and the nodding grasses whisper in the sunset"

No jello pit by MOAB's special request - but Bee-Dubya-Ell has promised blueberries from the 2007 crop (by special arrangement with the Time Lords) and rumour has it that there are single malts begging to be tasted.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:34 AM

Leo, are you proposing a roll in the blueberries?!?!?!?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:44 AM

*blush* not in front of MOM!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:37 AM

Sage walks to the door of the tavern and sees a monitor over by the bar staggering under the weight of the thread it is attempting to download. It looks like the whole MOAB thread is trying to arrive via that link! "That'll scare anyone off if the poison ivy doesn't," she thinks to herself. This might be a tidier way to visit the MOAB (just click on the last page). "Me, I'm going to head out of my back yard, back into the tavern and over to that atoll." (It's raining in the Texas backyard this morning.)

Ah--I see my Negra Modelo is chilling in ice, and I brought along some of my home-made guacamole since it looks like a good day (at the atoll) to sit in the shade and drink beer and munch chips. And tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo--a big date here in Texas, and much bigger in Mexico. (It's the day a small Mexican army whupped a big French army in Puebla in 1862.)

Good day to start a party! Here in Texas it will from from Thursday through Sunday at least! Happy Birthday Momma MOAB!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:40 AM

oops! But heck - it's only 7600 plus posts!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:47 AM

(Sounds great but the Grand "Breasts" are actually NORTH of Laramie and Boulder, so you must've already had a few when you posted, eh, MMariodarlin'?) **BG**

Have fun,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:51 AM

since when have the doors around here opened in any logi-hic-al order? I just swept the mess and opened the place up.

The problem may have been my caffiene levels have fallen too low.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:58 AM

LOL! Well it was nice to wake up to, anyway. T'anks, dahlin'...:-) Bert's credit card still in order?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:04 AM

Bert's credit card still plugged in and still solvent!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:08 AM

Oh, yes, and they upped Bert's limit this year, did you notice?

A duck drifts by in the gently lapping waters of the atoll beach, and a couple of 'catters are out wading. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:30 AM

Have you noticed all the seashells on the beach? I found this one and THIS one.

I thought this might look good as a centerpiece. and maybe use this for a spittoon?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 May 05 - 12:05 PM

I would greatly appreciate a LARGE Talisker, please. About a liter. And three (3) regularily-sized ice cubes.

Thank you.

Aren't the mountains lovely?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,boozetender
Date: 04 May 05 - 12:15 PM

Have a quart of Talisker, that okay?

that will be 42 cents for the Talisker, and 199.31 each for the three ice cubes. Your total is $598.35. Shall I put it on Mr. Hansell's Simollian Card?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: artbrooks
Date: 04 May 05 - 01:28 PM

The time machine is operating today? Ahhhhh...good. Could I have a pitcher of Ballard Bitter, please? And a large bowl of no-salt, no-carbs, no-fat, no food value whatever...but taste just like the real thing...potato chips?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 May 05 - 01:32 PM

A UPS truck arrives at the Southeastern door and the driver bounds* into the Tavern carrying a large box. "Got a boxful of spats here for someone!" he cries out, "And there's a box of silver-tipped walking canes and a box of silk tophats still on the truck. Somebody wanna gimme a hand?"


Bounding is the required mode of movement for UPS drivers. Shuffling is frowned upon and mosying is a guaranteed pinkslip.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 01:42 PM

You got that right on UPS drivers! They're tops* in their field.

*This is in contrast to Airborne Express drivers, who have perfected the "fragile carton drop kick" delivery technique.

Rapaire, did you notice the nice shells over there outside your door?

Ya know, we need some spicy hot chili to go with all of this beer and chips and aguacate. And some fajitas. Are you planning to grill some skirt steaks, MMario? What creature will provide them?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 02:07 PM

I didn't know tophats were made in silk. I thought they were a place in the bible. learn something new everyday!

Who wanted the Transubtantive Potato Chips? I like the packaging - especially the "any literal content is illusion, as is life" motto.

Well - I had a nice dinosaur picked out to make fajitas from - but someonething stole the carcasse and buried the skeleton up in South Dakota.

But there's a guy in Japan who claims to have crossed jellyfish with giant clams, which produced offsring with two meter hemisperical "skirts" of muscle - not counting the tentacles! Suppose those would work.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 May 05 - 02:08 PM

hey Bee-Dubya! where are the berries?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 May 05 - 02:17 PM

Better those shells than these.

He has no weapons, just a gentelman's rapier and dagger, and a knife and spoon with which to eat.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 03:01 PM

Hmmm. I think I could go for some plain ol' Angus beef this time round. What say we charge a couple of Bert's card?

Here's a sample of what I heard MMario listening to in the kitchen while he cooks.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST
Date: 04 May 05 - 03:16 PM

sure thang! Grass fed okay?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 May 05 - 03:50 PM

Is it safe to come out of the bathroom now? Been in here a while and it's starting to get tedious.....

Line me up with a chocolate genever please!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 May 05 - 03:53 PM

Mmmmmmm...grass fat steers! Mmmmmmmmmmm...got any buffalo too? (Vegetarians and vegans please note: no animals are either used or harmed in any way in MOAB's celebrations. Eat up -- they're not meat unless you want them to be.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 May 05 - 03:57 PM

"ONE...TWO...KICK....TURN
ONE...TWO...KICK...TURN"
A woman dressed as a large lobster struts her stuff up to the bar, gently places a pudgy calico cat with an attitude on the stool next to hers and demands a huge JD on the rocks with a twist.

"Let the games begin!. The rest of the New England contingent is somewhere behind me. They were side tracked by Seamus and a fire hydrant. So nice to attend a party I don't have to clean up after. Pass the berries please and some of those imaginary chips. Alice will take a salmon steak and the sexy UPS man."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: darkriver
Date: 04 May 05 - 03:58 PM

Rapaire,

I'll take your suggestion as our reality, then.

And what sight could be more awesome than a vast herd of shaggy Tofulo stretching across the plain, with some lovely volunteers ambling in join the barbecue as guests of honor? (a brief chorus of "I am weary; I must rest.")

Bartender, an espresso stout!
Thanks.

doug

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,Barkeep's # 1 assistant
Date: 04 May 05 - 04:03 PM

Now Hear This!

I ain't servin' no food or drinks unlessn' you get that cat cloaca offa this year bar now! No duck butts, no cat butts, no frog butts on my clean bar! Can't you see I cleaned it up special just for this year party?

Thank you very much. Now what kind of drink would you be having, miss?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,beertender
Date: 04 May 05 - 04:08 PM

da nada!

besides Prime Tofullo we have Breast of Chickpea-hen; Planked fillet of fresh caught Sockeye Soylmen.

I do caution you not to try to pet the Tufullo that are passing by though - they have quite a tempah!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 04:09 PM

Hmmm. I guess he means the barstools also.

Sins, is your calico here for the beer, the food, the dancing, or to chase ducks?

Have some guacamole.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 May 05 - 05:15 PM

Over in the corner, near where the Christmas Tree is annually destroyed, he places his gift to MOAB: a large box, wrapped in gayily colored paper and sporting a large fuscia bow. On it, there is a card that reads To MOAB, from your most beloved child, Happy Birthday and Happy, Happy Mother's Day.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 06:20 PM

Mom doesn't like you best! She said she loves all of us equally! Amos and RR and I all heard her say so!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 May 05 - 06:52 PM

Ok, got Seamus past the five fire hydrants and lord knows how many trees. I'll have a nice cold Chardonay and Seamus will eat anything going. The Cap'n should be here soon so put a couple of lobsters on to cook please and don't forget the melted butter!

(I'm looking forward to watching barkeep's assistant trying to remove Alice's butt from the counter - I know who I'd put money on. SINS - you should have let Ed come along too - that would really do it!)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 May 05 - 07:48 PM

Better not tell JenEllen it's Korean Pup for sup!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Amos
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:12 PM

Or any kind of Angus. He may be ripe, but he ain't that ripe!!

Give me some psychic lineament for my weary soul, Barkeep -- something strong in spirits. And a large mug of old brown to wash it down!! Gawd, I hate bureaucracy!!! Didn't this nation used to have a soul???? Don't get me started.

Here's to our fair mother, the Fairest of All Mothers, the MOAB, who loves us all equally and leaves her money to me.

And some for RR and Stilly and MM and not for Rapaire because he would just spend it on swords and guns.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: rumanci
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:14 PM

Barkeep ?    Don't these poor hard workers catering to your every need deserve a name ???
LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:29 PM

Well, if they would introduce themselves we'd call 'em by name.... or something....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,Gluon the Duck-Dog
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:31 PM

QUARK!!!!*



*Gluon's entire vocabulary consists of the word "QUARK!!!!", but it can mean many things depending on the tone in which it is spoken. In this case, it means, "Hey! There's a cat on the bar with the same name as my asshole!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:44 PM

Oh! The blueberries! I shipped them by UPS Next-Day. Are you sure they're not here?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:47 PM

Quark was the name of the Ferenghi barman in Deep Space Nine - looking at the bartender I'm beginning to see a resemblance. Just take away the blond wig (it's got to be a wig, surely!)......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: rumanci
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:48 PM

btw
as it is the right day here

Happy Birthday MOAB

may you have many more ......blueberries or no blueberries

and I'll have a large Woods please .......cheers Bert !

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,Office of the Space-Time Continuum Police
Date: 04 May 05 - 08:59 PM

To whom it may concern:

It has been called to our attention that the establishment known as the "Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern" is in violation of numerous laws governing the Space-Time Continuum. The noted violations are as follows:

1) Unauthorized use of timewarps to serve blueberries from the 2007 crop of one "Bee-dubya-ell".

2) Unauthorized use of spatial folding, stapling and mutilating apparatus so as to have the establishment's various doors open onto exotic locations. The only locations onto which the Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern's doors are authorized to open are Indianapolis, Toledo (Ohio, not Spain) Detroit and Newark.

3) Failure to have a jello pit on the premises as required by Article 73, Subsection 2376A.

4) Having a band of middle-aged men dressed only in spats and tophats play "Happy Birthday" at extremely loud volume on various Strats and Les Pauls while using every cheesey electric guitar effect ever conceived.*


*What? You say you haven't seen any nearly nude guitar-slingers wearing tophats and spats? Hah! Just wait!

________________________________________________________

To whom it may concern: We the undersigned do hereby authorize and condone all sub-space and space-time continium, para-universal and multi-temporal aspects of the psuedo-location known in commonality as the "MudCat Tavern" in this current, its prior and any possible future incarnations.

(signed)

OZMANDIUS - Ruler of the Universe
The Galactic Overlord
Mentor
YWHV
The Shambles
Mrs. Oscar Gordon (aka the Empress of the Known Universes)
Zues et al
The Time Lords (including but not limited to) Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who, Dr. Who

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:35 PM

Alice spies the DogDuck, sniffs, and is instantly "in love" AGAIN. The mailman is on vacation, so any port in a storm.
She sidles up, sniffs his butt, ignores the foul mouthed human attempting to dislodge her from the bar, and plops down cuddly in his way. "MEOWWW" she purrs and looks beguilingly into his eyes while side stepping a bar rag and pissing on its owner's hand. "Hi sailor. Looking for a good time?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:58 PM

He looks over the pile of gifts for Mother, which is growing larger with every passing minute.

Turning, he spies the Police notice, walks over, rips it to shreds, and shouts at the top of his voice (which really isn't very loud at the moment)

“Forget it,
coppers!
Anachronistic
anarchy rules,
time is a myth
foisted onto
the
proletariat
by the fat cat
bosses!! Arise,
you
downtrodden!
You have
nothing to
lose but your
chains!
Revolution
now!!!!”

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:15 PM

[Sage sighs]

I just love it when he does that WordPerfect html stuff!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:48 PM

The shouting is too much for his poor tortured throat, and he breaks into a coughing fit. Not to worry about the Time Cops -- they don't want his germs anymore than he does.

Just to be certain, just to be sure, he looses his rapier in its scabbard and draws it out about six centimeters. Suddenly the joint is filled with the most wonderful song, song that would make the zephyrs that ply the forests or the very angels in heaven envious --

I was layin' round town in a house of ill fame,
Laid up with a rough, tough hustlin' dame,
When a hop-headed pimp with his nose full of coke
Beat me outta that woman and left me stone broke....

And the realization bursts on everyone that this, THIS, is the famous Bawdy Ballad Blade, the Legendary Singing Steel of Lusty Lyrics, and they need have no fear of the Time Cops, none at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:12 PM

Sage hums Oh, that Strawberry Roan. . . which reminds me--do we have the makings for shortcake back there in the kitchen or maybe for a buffet? No? oh, well, then give me another Negra Modelo please.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:15 PM

I know nothing about electric guitarists wearing only spats and tophats planning to crash Mom's party. Honest.

By the way, there's a Fedex Freight truck at the East door with a bunch of big boxes that say "Marshall" on them. Should I sign for them?


Anyway, here's a song for Mom on her birthday.

"M" is for the "m" that's not in "aardvark".
"O" is for the "o" not in "migraine".
"A" is for the "a" that's not in "onion".
"B" is for the "b" not in "ptomaine".

Put them all together, they spell "MOAB",
The Mother Of All BS Threads she's called.
'Cause if "em-oh-ay-bee" did not spell "MOAB",
It wouldn't spell a Goddamned thing at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 May 05 - 12:05 AM

Reprising a very funny episode in MOAB history makes Mom feel good. Thank you, BWL. You're a good son. When people get a bit drunker looser maybe someone will read your story about the two dogs to us. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,Ralphs
Date: 05 May 05 - 07:26 AM

Har!* We are Ralphs. Har! Ralphs heard that stupid human creatures are having a party for the one they call MOAB. Har! Ralphs didn't think humans would be able to thoroughly enjoy themselves without a little annoyance to go along with the festivities. Har! Well, here it is! Har!

Har! Barkeep! Har! You still got some of that Giant Squid around here? Har! See if you can use some of it to whip up one of those things they serve in that little bar out near the Pleiades! Har!


*Ralphs are the most annoying race in the known Universe. They invariably shout "Har!" after each sentence. It really starts to get on people's nerves after a short while. The populations of entire planets have been known to pack their bags and head for greener pastures instead of sharing their planet with a handful of Ralphs.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 05 May 05 - 08:45 AM

Happy Birthday MOAB-Mom! Sorry about the ralphs. They weren't invited, honest - but you know that if we tried to get rid of them they'd only get more annoying.

GLUON!

If you are going to do THAT with Alice - go in the back room! I hope you weren't planning on kissing MOM with that tongue! *shudder*
swapping spit is one thing...swapping hairballs is just GROSS!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat MOAB Mother's Day Tavern
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 05 May 05 - 09:20 AM

Hello. We're simply sending a message. We're not really here. Just like every civilized race we won't have a thing to do with those (shudder!) Ralphs.

Did you know that they are the only race ever to be declared anathema and expelled from the Great Intergalactic Council of Sentient Species simply because they exist? That wasn't even done with the Whorlies, who used to exploded inhabitated planets "just for kicks, ya know?" That they have been denied permission to have any dealings at all with other civilized races? (Of course, that's only civilized races, so your race doesn't count.)

Anyway, we wanted to with your m/paternal source of cybergenetic material a joy-filled origination moment.