At Last! Unitarian Jihad!

Subject: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:43 PM

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian
Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have
no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if
so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I
feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting,
must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least
not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian
Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God
subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming
Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his
objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has
your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have
fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no
abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you
been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right
to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth
to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever
happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs
saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every
American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the
world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel
like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate
Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews,
Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole
for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have
we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat
or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record
that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and
Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of
Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with
brains enough to understand the difference between political belief
and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions.
We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators   
and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the
day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance
by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people
to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we
institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally
introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists,
spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists
will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all
stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard
from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe
it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are
not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the
birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is
not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him
because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent
around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members
and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday
Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning.
Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from
nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and
cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens
declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of
undeclared rationality. People can still go to France,
terrorist leader says. Michael row the boat ashore, and then
get some of the local kids to pull the boat onto the dock,
and come visit with [e-mail]

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:44 PM

Sorry. This (for all its cultural importance) was meant to be "downstairs".

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 May 05 - 09:49 PM

"Just because you believe
it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are
not doing harm. "


Can I put this in my "NON-Partisan political comments " thread?
(this is the first I have asked permission about- but I would hate to miss the coffee and cookies in the Gandhi room...)

Subject: Sign me up
From: OtherDave
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:00 PM

The most sensible thing I've read all week:

Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true.
Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm.

Bless you, Uncle Dave.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:24 PM

Bearded Bruce:

As far as I'm concerned, you can do as you like with it.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Bill D
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:34 PM

A truly inspired ummm, brilliant piece of work. I'd read it from a soap box in the park, but they stoned the last guy who tried to make sense there.

Hey...didn't someone post Pope Benedict's email recently? He probably needs to read this.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Peace
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:47 PM

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." President Dubya.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Alba
Date: 04 May 05 - 10:59 PM

ah clarity abounds as usual from GW...lol
Blessings
Jude

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:05 PM

Damn, Dave, that is some reasonably cool sh*t. And you can put that in the minutes!

~S~

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Peace
Date: 04 May 05 - 11:09 PM

Have to agree with Susan.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: CarolC
Date: 05 May 05 - 12:33 AM

Looks like Robert's Rules of Order is their bible though...

;-)

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST,Mark Cohen, away from home
Date: 05 May 05 - 12:45 AM

Utah Phillips predicted this, you know. Many years ago, I heard him say, "Just yesterday the Unitarians burned a question mark on my front lawn."

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: BK Lick
Date: 05 May 05 - 03:35 AM

In case anyone's interested in learning more about Jon Carroll's San Francisco Chronicle column (copied here without attribution) and the considerable stir it has caused, here's a good place to jump in: Unitarian Jihad

        —BK Lick. aka Brother Hand Grenade of Patience

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 05 May 05 - 07:53 AM

Best piece I've read in ages.

Linn (aka Sister Whip of Warm Charity -- or Sibling Spikey Mace of Enlightened Compassion)

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: A Wandering Minstrel
Date: 05 May 05 - 07:59 AM

How excellent

The Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: OtherDave
Date: 05 May 05 - 08:37 AM

I think I'll go for 'the Lochaber Axe of Congeniality.'

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 05 May 05 - 08:42 AM

Prepareth the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: jeffp
Date: 05 May 05 - 08:58 AM

Absolutely brilliant!

jeffp aka Brother Dagger of Courteous Love

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 05 May 05 - 09:01 AM

Jumping onboard the Unitarian Jihad Train...Wahooouu!

"Sister Blunderbuss of Rationality"

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST,kat coming in the back door
Date: 05 May 05 - 09:17 AM

Thanks, Dvae! I LOVE it!!!!

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST,John O'Lennaine
Date: 05 May 05 - 09:45 AM

Brother Shotgun of Courteous Debate is glad to see there are still pockets of rationality about. Today has been a good day.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 05 - 11:16 AM

I, Claymore of Tolerant Rationality, concur whole-heartedly!!

A

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 05 - 11:25 AM

Unitarian Jehovah's Witness -- goes door to door for no apparent reason.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST,My Unitarian Name
Date: 05 May 05 - 11:27 AM

I really think I like this better than my blues name:

"Heat-Seeking Missile of Sisterly Helpfulness"

If I am accurate in this naming, you will know who I am quite easily.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST,jacqui.c
Date: 05 May 05 - 11:50 AM

Dave - this is great. At last a voice of reason!

Where do I sign up?

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 05 - 01:18 PM

BK Lick mentioned that the article was "copied here without attribution".

Since the very first paragraph mentioned that it had been "sent to me at the Chronicle", and the last paragraph gave the author's e-mail address at the SFChronicle, I didn't see any necessity of giving further attribution. I thought it was obvious.

And incidentally, thanks for the link, BK Lick. Interesting.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 May 05 - 01:34 PM

Let us all sing the hymn now .."We Would Rather Not be Moved", led by Brother Headthumper of Indiscriminate Pummeling

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Dani
Date: 05 May 05 - 01:48 PM

Amen!

Too funny. Thanks for the lighthearted (?) laugh.

Dani

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: heric
Date: 05 May 05 - 01:59 PM

(The attribution was pretty darned obvious, Unc. I went and read it there. Peace, brothers.)

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Alba
Date: 05 May 05 - 02:13 PM

From Sister Nail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism (do they know me well or what!!!)

I extend a warm and loud Jihadaylouyah to my Brothers and Sisters
At last, action, kind of...well a little..oh bu***er it...at least I have my name which is good for starters.
:>)

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 May 05 - 02:24 PM

ah, I have 'received' the title of "Brother Flaming Hammer of Balance"--- Couldn't have done better if I had studied it for years!

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 May 05 - 02:29 PM

Take the name given or create one's own? Kinda like having multiple Mudcat memberships.

"Sister Broad Axe of Loving Forgiveness"

Helpful when removing virtual artificial limbs.

~S~

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 May 05 - 02:30 PM

Brother Neutron Bomb of Forgiveness....




I may forgive, but I never forget.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: PoppaGator
Date: 05 May 05 - 02:43 PM

I am now officially "Brother Sword of Mild Reason," thank you very much.

Those of you with even better Unitarian Jihad names than mine: Were you assigned a name by the website accessed via BK Lick's blue clicky, or did you cheat and make up your own?

Oh well, it's all good, right? As long as we all carefully consider Moses' Ten Suggestions in everything we do...

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: BK Lick
Date: 05 May 05 - 03:45 PM

Since the very first paragraph mentioned that it had been "sent to me at the Chronicle", and the last paragraph gave the author's e-mail address at the SFChronicle, I didn't see any necessity of giving further attribution. I thought it was obvious.

Well, maybe not so obvious to some, like beardedbruce, OtherDave, Bill D, WYSIWYG, brucie, or jacqui.c, for instance.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 May 05 - 04:18 PM

BK,

Don't lay that one on ME. I don't care WHERE he got it, I appreciated his sharing it. My whole response came from the delicious idea he'd brought us. Mudcat needs Unitarian help!

And so do I, apparently.

~Sister Mushroom Cloud of Mild Moderation

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Amergin
Date: 05 May 05 - 04:20 PM

I be Brother Guillotine of Loving Rationality.

No need to lose your head over this, brothers and sisters.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Donuel
Date: 05 May 05 - 04:57 PM

Wonderful example of amplified zero tolerence squared.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Peace
Date: 05 May 05 - 05:02 PM

I am Daddy Bebop of the Heavenly Toke. Yo. What it be like?

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 05 May 05 - 05:24 PM

Cross reference the master work by one Les Barker on The Church of the Holy (wholly) Undecided.

Brother Wysi of the Wig.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 05 - 05:25 PM

BK Lick, I call your attention to the fact that, in addition to the fact that the source was listed in the post (admittedly now prominently, and not in my words), I purposely did not sign the post, as I normally do on "almost" every Mudcat post I submit. I did not because I didn't want anyone misled that I was the author.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: kendall
Date: 05 May 05 - 05:37 PM

At last, a voice of reason! Thanks.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: wildlone
Date: 05 May 05 - 05:44 PM

At last we know who bombed the British consulate in New York

dave

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Burke
Date: 05 May 05 - 05:52 PM

Sister Garrote of Courteous Debate
On appeal changed to:
Sister Main Gauche of Sweet Reason

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Peace
Date: 05 May 05 - 06:24 PM

"copied here without attribution".

Jaysus, it was clear from the first sentence of the first post that it wasn't UDO's.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 05 May 05 - 06:32 PM

I got Sister Boot Knife of Moderation. They know me well!

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 05 - 06:35 PM

"Heat-Seeking Missile of Sisterly Helpfulness"

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 05 - 07:08 PM

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Looking at All Sides of the Question.

Get yours.

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: John O'L
Date: 05 May 05 - 07:42 PM

Brother Hand Grenade of Patience -

Your objection to the manner in which the topic was posted has been noted and discussed, possibly at greater length than is warranted.
Let's just move along, shall we?

Brother Shotgun of Courteous Debate

Subject: RE: At Last! Unitarian Jihad!
From: Peace
Date: 05 May 05 - 07:45 PM

I have to admit that I want to be in the radical liberal faction of the Unitarian Jihad. There IS none.

























YET!