goodbye, Mum

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: GUEST,Partridge
Date: 26 Jul 05 - 07:41 AM

I said good bye to my mum almost 8 years to the day, I still have a mum shaped hole but life does go on. I remember going to whitby festival the year she died and in every bloody sing around people were singing dead mother songs.............lots of tears.......mopped up by lots of good friends.

I feel for you
love

Pat x

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: BoatinWend
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 04:58 PM

Oh how sad. Sabine big hugs from me too.

(((((((((((((((((Sabine))))))))))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Susanne (skw)
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 04:47 PM

A big hug, Sabine! The day before you wrote this my mum was told she has lung cancer, but at least I'll be able to look after her for the time being. I dread thinking further ahead.
Take strength from the good memories of the life you shared!

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Mooh
Date: 25 Jul 05 - 05:52 AM

Hopes and prayers to you and yours in this difficult time.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: annamill
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 11:09 PM

I am so sorry for your loss, Sabine. I lost my younger sister last year to a horrible desease called Crones. From the time she was 25, she walked around with a colostomy(sp) bag on her hip. She was 45 when she finally left us. She was so tired. I miss her.

I'm 60 yrs old and I often wonder what I could do to make my passing easier on my two children. We've had our moments of love, and our moments of anger. I want them to remember and feel the love, and realize that the anger was quickly forgotten and long time forgiven.

I could write a letter, or make a cd (actually easier) to tell them my thoughts and feelings. I raised them to be awfully independent and now they are too independent and, though they love me, they make up their own minds about their lives. I guess I'll be like Nike. Just do it!

My daughter doesn't realize how much she will miss me. We talk almost every day. My son, though we don't talk as much, loves me very much and always just expects me to be there. It's going to be hard for them. They will wish they had said "some such thing" before I was gone and now "they never will".

When we lose a loved one I guess there are regrets sometimes. Mostly I just want them to be kind to their children and try not to make the mistakes I made with them. Above anything else, and I think this is what every parent wants for their children, all I want is for them to be happy.

You will miss your Mom, Sabine, and probably will have some regrets over what you said, or didn't say, or did or didn't do. Just remember, she loved you and just wanted you to be happy.

Love and light to you,
Annamill

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: CStrong
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 09:39 PM

Lost my mom on April 1. She was in the hospital with pneumonia, and living under the sceptre of an aortic aneurysm. She was rallying against the pneumonia, and my sister and I were getting ready to arrange transitional care.

I kissed her goodnight, went back to the hotel, and got the call at 3 a.m. Oddly, it was the pneumonia not the aneurysm.

She was one great lady. I know how you're feeling.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Gillie
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 03:56 PM

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

Having lost my mother and my partner's mother this last year, I know what you are feeling.

It is right to hold on to that last memory. Mine of my Dad was of him giving me a protective hug whilst stood in the doorway at Binns. It was very special.

Love and light to you

Gillie

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: GUEST,DB
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:45 AM

Dear Sabine,

We've probably never met but I feel for you.
I lost my Mum in 2001 and my Dad last year. My Dad never got over my Mum's death and because he was quite a bit older than her he found it very hard to cope. He spent most of last year in hospital, with a few weeks in a nursing home (where he was much happier). After his death the nursing home asked me to pick up his personal belongings and that was probably the point at which both of my parents' deaths really hit home.
I really don't want to give you 'advice' - it's not my place. You will probably find that your grief will go through lots of stages - all perfectly natural (although not always expected). You've probably made a good start by talking about your loss in this forum.
If it helps, one thing that helped me was a folk song - have you heard 'The Unquiet Grave'? A young man sits over the grave of his sweetheart who, "in greenwood she is lain". The song goes on:

"I'll do as much for my sweetheart
As any young man may,
I'll sit and mourn all on her grave
For a twelvemonth and a day.

When the twelvemonth and one day were past
The ghost began to speak
Why sittest thou here all on my grave
And will not let me sleep?"

The young man begs one last kiss from her but the ghost warns him that it would be his last.

My interpretation of this song is that mourning for the dead is perfectly right and proper but, eventually, (the mourner's) life has to go on. I came to an understanding that, in order to honour the memories of the people who gave me life, I had to live the rest of that life as fully and as well as possible.
I also know another person who was deeply affected by this song but I won't give any more details as it feels like betraying a confidence.
Who said that folk songs aren't relevant to today?

Love,
DB

PS The version of the 'Unquiet Grave' that I quoted from was from Lucy White of Hambridge, Somerset (coll. Cecil Sharp, 1904). Lucy and Cecil may have left us long ago but didn't they leave us a wondeful legacy - God bless them both, wherever they are!

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 09:36 AM

So sorry Sabine. Not a day will ever pass that you won't think of her.....and that's good. Great memories will fill the void you now feel and in those memories and the stories you'll tell, her life goes on. My best thoughts are with you.

Spaw

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Azizi
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 08:01 AM

Sabine, I tried to PM you but for some reason the "Send a message" feature wouldn't work for me.

I wanted you to know that this thread inspired me to start one on Mother in Spirituals and Blues.

I hope that reading that thread and this one gives you some measure of consolation.

Positive vibrations,

Azizi

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Jeanie
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 05:54 AM

Sabine, I know so well the overwhelming feeling of being lost that you cannot describe, that you spoke of in your last message. Like you, it is just me and my daughter who are left and although my mother had good friends, we two were the only family at her funeral. It's nearly two months now since my mother died, so we are still in very early stages along the way, but I already recognize the things that Helen has spoken about: seeing something in a shop and thinking,"Oh, that'll be lovely to give mum for her birthday", or, if something has happened at work during the day, thinking "Oh,I can't wait to tell mum about this !" Whenever this happens, there is that drawing of breath and initial feeling of standing in front of a gaping gulf, but then, somehow, along comes a very strong feeling that both she and my father are not very far away at all.

I am sure you will find, as I have, that you and your children will give and receive great strength and love from and to each other. Know, too, that you are not alone, and you have many kindred spirits here on Mudcat, thinking of you.

I have an idea you might be from Germany, Sabine ? Here in England, there are all kinds of formalities and paperwork to do in preparation for a funeral and then for sorting out a person's finances, and no doubt it will be similar for you. That can feel an overwhelming task, too, when you are the sole person responsible - so I will be thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead. I know it's a cliche, but take one step and one day at a time and you WILL get through it. There have been various things I have dreaded (such as going to the Registrar's office to collect my mother's death certificate) but none of them has ever been as bad as I had imagined them to be, and I tell myself that now, when facing another task that has to be done.

The next big task facing me is to sort out my mother's flat and arrange for it to be sold. A valuer is coming there next week to put a value on the contents (furniture, ornaments etc.), that has to be done for tax purposes before her finances can be finally sorted out. We haven't touched anything there yet (apart from throwing away food in the fridge), so it still has the feel that she has "gone away on a short trip" as someone else posted here. It is going to feel very uncomfortable having some stranger poking around there, but I am trusting that, as with previous things I have dreaded, it will be OK.

I think that the reading Helen spoke of, about the ship, is the same as the one I read at my mother's funeral. Here it is:

'I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at least she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says: "There she goes !"

Gone where ? Gone from my sight - that it all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There she goes !" there are other eyes watching her coming, and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts: "Here she comes !" '

'A Parable of Immortality' by Henry Van Dyke.

***********************************************

With much love to you, Sabine
- jeanie

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Helen
Date: 23 Jul 05 - 08:26 PM

I'm sad to hear your news, Sabine.

I lost my Mum 3 years ago and the "Mum-shaped hole" (thanks for that, Sapper82!) is still there. I found that just after she went I was busy and still in the initial stages of shock. People around me were asking whether I was all right and whether I needed anything, but the period from a few weeks after until almost a year after, other people think you should be over it. That was when I really started to miss my Mum, because of our regular phone conversations and I'd still be saving up little stories to tell her, and when I saw things in shops and thought "Mum would like that, I'll buy it for her" and then had to do a double-take because then I remembered she was gone.   Someone said that initially you think that maybe she's just away on a short trip and that she'll be back and then you realise that she won't be back here at all - in this life.

But she isn't gone. I still feel her presence.

The poem that Shanghaiceltic quoted is the same one that Mum always loved and that we read out at her funeral. The other one is about waving goodbye to the ship disapppearing over the horizon - from our perspective - but reappearing on the horizon and being greeted from another perspective.

Look after yourself, cherish the memories, be happy that you could be with her the night before, and draw your family close and share your love of your Mum and of each other.

I'll light some candles for you all here in Australia.

Helen

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 23 Jul 05 - 07:54 PM

It won't register yet awhile, but you are obviously part of a larger family that loves you. Go down the list from time to time. Eventually it might help.      Tw

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Azizi
Date: 23 Jul 05 - 06:38 PM

My condolences to you.

There are no words I can say, but I am sending you positive vibrations.


Azizi

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: alanabit
Date: 23 Jul 05 - 12:17 PM

I am very sorry to hear this news Sabine. I know your life has had some changes over the past year or so. You will be in my thoughts here in Köln.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Sabine
Date: 23 Jul 05 - 04:02 AM

Thank you all for your kind words.
It really helped me a lot. The imagination that nearly all over the world candles are burning... It will help her to enlighten her way, I am sure.

@ shanghaiceltic
strange..... at least you've posted a poem which is very dear to me. A friend of mine send it to me (in German, of course) some years ago when my Dad died...
I've read it the last days, several times... and also remembered that my Mum liked it.

*sigh*
It's so hard and I nearly don't know how to cope with it all.
I'm feeling so lost, now, at least, I am a motherless child, thoug at the age of 42.

We all feel lost, the children and me.
No husband, no brothers no sisters. Just the three of us are left.
And that really is a feeling I can't describe....

All the best to you all and thanks again.

Sabine

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 10:59 PM

Hi Sabine,

Here are two pices which brought me some comfort when I lost both my step-mum and my father in law in one week.

'Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near, just around the corner,
All is well.'

Death is nothing at all..
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I, and You are You
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still,

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me
In the easy way in which you always used,
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together,
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever more a household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant: There is absolutely no unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligable accident.

My condolences to you

VBR Frank

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: GUEST,SINSULL
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 04:18 PM

I am sorry Sabine. At least you had that last cup of coffee together. Celebrate her life.
Mary

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: MBSLynne
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 04:06 PM

Oh Sabine! My eyes also filled with tears when I read that. My Mum is nearly 80 and I know I will have to face this before long. At least, when you are over the initial shock and grief you will have the consolation of knowing it was quick and that you had hugged her not long before. There are a lot of us sending you thoughts and love and blessings.

Love Lynne
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabine))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: gnu
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 03:09 PM

Thoughts and prayers.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Janie
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 03:03 PM

Oh Sabine,

I am so very sorry. Prayers for you and for your Mom.

Janie

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 02:42 PM

Never a good time for this to happen. The Bad News is: You'll miss her always(voice of experience). Don't get hung up in anything you hear about the "Stages Of Grief". They are not chronological. You can be in one or a dozen of them in the same instant.
Safety information: You have had a shock. Scientifically, the part of your mother that became you was already in her body when she was born. For her to be "gone" is a *S*H*O*C*K* to your system. Don't spend too much time alone. Let several special friends know to keep their friendship-radar on in your direction and watch out for you(again, voice of experience).
Someone once told me that he used to think his family was rich. Their curtains, sheets, etc. were beautifully hand-embroidered. It was in his late 'teens that he discovered it was his mother's way of dealing with damages and low income -- she mended things with this handwork and kept their home nice with no money. He said he understood when there was a hole in the fabric of his life he must find a way of "embroidery" to keep the "edges of the hole" from raveling and finally destroying the whole fabric. He told me when I was going through the same thing you're dealing with now. It helped me summat.
God Bless you and keep you safe. Your best friends can't do much to alleviate the pain, but hold the tissues (v.o.e.). Keep well.    Tw

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: CapriUni
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 01:44 PM

Death is always a surprise, even when we know it's coming, someday. My last conversation with my mother was over a pay phone in the lobby of the student union building at the university. I'd found out she'd died when I called back two days later (in the same lobby) to continue our conversation.

She'd been in the last stages of cancer, so we all knew the end was near... but still.

That was almost 14 years ago now. I still miss her. But now, I remember the laughter more than the pain. I trust the same will be true for you, in time.

Cherish that hug, and the laughs, and the good spirits. They'll be with you always.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: sapper82
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 01:38 PM

Sabine, you currently have a large, Mum shaped hole in your life with VERY sore and tender edges that will hurt when you touch them.
As time goes by those edges will get less tender and painful to touch and, though the hole will always remain, you will eventually be able to accept the loss and remember the happy memories.
Bob

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: fat B****rd
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 01:35 PM

I'm so sorry to read of your loss, Sabine. Do take care.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 01:31 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. There's never a good time for it.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: KT
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 12:53 PM

Sabine, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too, understand what it's like. You said, "And now she's gone. I can't understand it." It does take a while to get your head around it. She remains with you in so many little ways, in your heart, in your memories, in the things you say and do, in the many things she taught you. A day will come when these little recognitions of her presence will make you smile. Take good care of yourself as you weather this heart storm. Know that good thoughts are coming your way from afar. KT

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: hilda fish
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 12:39 PM

Sabine I just read your message and my eyes filled with tears for you. I am visiting England - am here in Kendal in the Lakes District. I will light a candle for you mum and will also send a special blessing to you, the daughter dear who no longer has her mother with her in this world. May she watch over you and you feel it to be so.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: open mike
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 12:06 PM

Sabine, how lucky she was to have you close by.

And how wonderful that she was in such a positive space
just prior to the end....or perhaps it is just the beginning
...of a wonderful joiurney for her....treasure the memories.

(((((sabine)))))

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Big Mick
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 10:12 AM

I only can pray that I will share your luck when it is my Mother's time for the passing. To have been able to have conversation, coffee, and a hug as the last memory shared on this part of the trip is a blessing. Thank you, Sabine, for the warmth you have given me this day. I shall call my parents straight away and just let them know I love them.

As for you, I want you to know that I am sorry for your loss, but hopeful for your grieving. In the examination that follows a time like this, the richness of memory, and even the pain of the leaving, grant those we love their immortality. I hope you sing your Mother's songs for many years, and let those that follow know who she is. Your own life and your own passing will be enriched for it.

Wishing you all the best,

Mick

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Charmion
Date: 22 Jul 05 - 10:08 AM

I'm so sorry, Sabine.

The last clear memory I have of my mother, who died of liver cancer when she was only 51, was at breakfast on the morning I returned to university to begin my second year. She was sitting in her accustomed place at the head of the dining-room table, drinking tea from her special cup and staring at the top of my head with an odd expression on her face. Suddenly she said, in a dreamy voice, "Your hair looks just like the feathers of a baby chick, yellow and sticking straight up." Two weeks later she went back to the hospital for the last time, and four days after that she was dead.

I'm actually very grateful that I never saw her again after that last breakfast, for that is how I remember her, gazing at me over the edge of that cup. Perhaps if you focus your thoughts about your mother on your last evening together, when you had coffee and a hug, it will eventually overcome the memory of finding the husk that she left behind when she went to a better place.

Ch

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 10:55 PM

My deepest condolences to you, Sabine, and to all the others in this thread who have recently lost a loved one. May you all find whatever comfort you need during this time.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 10:40 PM

It's good you had that last night with her and that her spirits were up. May your memories sustain you through this difficult time. I lost my dad nine months ago and it still hurts, a lot. Sorrow shared seems to be more bearable. We are here for you...there are a great bunch of people here...good listeners, empathetic and helpful. Lean on us when you need to...talk it through if you've a mind to...best to let it out and not get all bottled up.

In sympathy with Light and Blessings,

kat

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: jacqui.c
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 10:29 PM

Commiserations Sabine. I hope that your good memories of your mum will help you get through a difficult time.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Ebbie
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:39 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{{Long Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:28 PM

You only get issued on set of Real Parents; one of each.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: khandu
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:19 PM

Tears of shared sorrow shed here for you.

k

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: kendall
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:16 PM

In the space of two months I lost my only sister, then two of my dearest best friends. It bites, and you have my deepest sympathy.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Sorcha
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:04 PM

Sabine, my thoughts are with you also. I've lost my mum, 7 years ago now, and I still miss her, but it does hurt less. I didn't have to find her tho....just got a call.

Carry on as best you can, dear.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 09:00 PM

My thoughts are with you, Sabine. I'll light a candle for her, and one for you too.   


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Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 08:22 PM

I'm sorry sabine.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: CharleyR
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 08:17 PM

Sabine, I'm really sorry to hear that. My grandma died suddenly two weeks ago and while I realise it's not the same as losing a parent, we were really close and I'll miss her so much. She was talking about moving house too, had started playing the piano again, full of hope for the future. Even though I was at the funeral I still just can't understand how she could not be there any more.

I hope you have family and friends who can be with you now and that you have lots of happy memories of your mother you will be able to look back on in the future. I wish you all the strength you need.

Charley

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 06:58 PM

Commisserations Sabine !!

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Jeanie
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 06:51 PM

Sabine, I am so sorry. Like others who have already posted, I lost my mother, too (7 weeks ago). Each new day will be different. With every good wish for love, light and strength to see you through. Do get in touch by PM if you would like to talk.

With Love and a big hug
- jeanie

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: skipy
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 06:40 PM

So sorry to read this, don't know you, never knew your mother, but so sorry to read it, be strong.
Skipy

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 06:38 PM

Aw, Sabine, I am sorry; this must have been a shock for you.

Courage.


A

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: skarpi
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 06:36 PM

Halló Sabine , I know how it is to say goodbye to our mom and dad
I may be faraway across the atlantic ocean but I´ll light a candle for her and you ,
Best whishes Skarpi Iceland.

Subject: RE: goodbye, Mum
From: Tig
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 05:04 PM

Hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{XXXXXXXX}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lost my mum earlier this year so know a bit about how you are feeling at the moment.

Subject: goodbye, Mum
From: Sabine
Date: 21 Jul 05 - 04:18 PM

today I found my mother. dead in her flat. yesterday evening we shared a last cup of coffee and I gave her a big hug when I left...

so sudden her parture though she'd suffered from cancer and the therapy seemed to be helpful. she wanted to move to another flat nearby in September..

full of hope, though, and full of energy and love.

and now she's gone....

I can't understand it....

Maybe you can light a candle for her to show her the way.

many thanks

Sabine