The Wiser Maid (please critique!)

Subject: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 08:27 PM

OK, I've finally cracked. I've listened to one too many "broken token" song where the young woman, after cooling her heels on the beach for seven years, has her faith "tested" by her returning sailor, who has clearly been far too busy drinking grog and pinching wenches to lift the quill and write her a letter...anyway, I digress. The poor young doormat passes the test, whereupon he throws his arms around her and says "Oh boy, you've been faithful, now we can be married!" and she says, "Goody goody gumdrops!" instead of smacking him upside the head, which would be my reaction.

So, here's my version. It needs some major work, as there were several cliches I couldn't seem to avoid and some phrases that lack a certain je ne sais quoi ("his returning ship to sight?" Whaaa?). It's far too long as well. But I'd love to hear anyone's opinion--positive or negative. Pardon me while I don my asbestos longjohns...

Note: I'm sort of hearing the melody to 'I Am A Maid That's Deep In Love," as performed by Jacqui McShee & Pentangle. Not sure, though...the song's already long, and the rather drawn-out pacing of this melody might just stretch it out longer. "I am...a maid...in waiting...for...my Johnny..I...do pine...?"

OK, shutting up now. Here it is. Fire away.

Molly



THE WISER MAID
(Harpmolly)

I am a maid-in-waiting, for my Johnny I do pine,
And though for seven years he's gone, he lingers in my mind;
I have put off all suitors gay, all lords and men of might,
And spend my days upon the shore, his returning ship to sight.

It happened then one evening, as I walked out alone,
A handsome youth approached me beneath the setting sun.
He bowed with courtly manners, he offered me his hand,
And asked if I might walk with him along the white sea-strand.

"O, you are not the first to ask, neither the first refused;
For seven years have lords and poets sought me as their Muse.
But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love John returns from his long ship's command."

"The sailor's life is dangerous," this young man said to me,
"For storms do rage, and waves do toss the ship upon the sea;
What if your love be drowned and lost, and all his vows the same?
Will you then wait forever here, your hope a dying flame?"

"My hope will never die," I cried, "and steadfast shall I stay;
Despite your sweet and honeyed words, you'll not draw me away.
If my dear love be drowned and lost, then likewise I shall be,
And gladly will I lie with him beneath the deep blue sea."

"Your faith is true," he slyly said, "and this I well admire,
But could it be that seven years have caused his own to tire?
What of this John you love so well? What word do you receive?
For surely he'll have written you of his brave, noble deeds?"

Upon these words I must confess a tear I did let fall;
For of my John for seven years I'd had no word at all.
But bravely I did smile, and said, "His letters they are long,
And of his love I am assured; he'll never do me wrong."

When this deceit had passed my lips I blushed and dropped my gaze;
But what I saw when next I looked, my eyes it did amaze!
Gone was his cloak, his feathered cap; gone was his satin glove;
And handsome John before me stood, his eyes ablaze with love.

"My precious jewel, my lovely Molly, now I can breathe free--
For seven years my only fear was your forsaking me.
I know you've waited long, my love, and long it's felt to me;
But you have passed the test, and now it's married we will be!"

O, then he clasped me in his arms and kissed me long and sweet;
And on my finger slipped a ring with gold and gems replete.
"O, what say you, my dear?" quoth he, "shall we to chapel go?"
I bent my lips unto his ear and sweetly answered, "No."

Then at his feet I threw the ring, my temper mounting strong,
"For shame!" I cried, "and twice for shame, to do me such a wrong!
For seven years I've languished here while you at sea did play,
And now you seek to test my love--how well I am repaid!"

My Johnny has gone back to sea, his tears and pleas in vain;
And I have made a handsome match, a far more tender man.
My husband he is rich and young, he's honest, fair and wise;
He values me above the sun, and NEVER tells me lies!

---

Click to play

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 08:36 PM

""O, you are not the first to ask, neither the first refused;
For seven years have lords and poets sought me as their Muse.
But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love John returns from his long ship's command."


I love this verse- but the end is a little weak- "long ship's command"?

"Until my true-love Johnny steps upon this windswept sand."


?

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 08:36 PM

I think it is very performable as is...

If the live performances show up holes, then you have something to work on.

Don't try to rush it - the key is the slow pacing... like all those lengthy 'broken token' songs...

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 08:40 PM

Yeesh, you all are quick!!! I nip over to the woad thread for five minutes...*grin*

Yeah, "ship's command" is pretty weak. The other phrases that are making me cringe are the aforementioned "returning ships to sight", the heinous attempt to rhyme "receive" with "deeds* (shudder) and the awful "gold and gems replete". Well, if the song doesn't work out I can always eke out a living writing Victorian erotica *giggle*.

Kidding...thank heavens I have a decent day job. But thanks for the quick response. And Foolestroupe, thanks too...I'm overall pretty proud of it, but I'd like to work out a few of the kinks before I subject an audience to it.

Thanks and keep it coming!

M

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: frogprince
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 08:45 PM

make it, "upon the shore, waiting his ship to sight", and the meter works; as for me, apart from picking a nit that small, I give it a big thumbs up.

um, maybe still a rhythmn problem: "his homing ship to sight"?

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: frogprince
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 08:50 PM

P.S. Wouldya believe I saw just the first post, and three catters got there while I typed my own.

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 09:43 PM

I aint no poet but maybe try;

have put off all suitors gay, all lords and men of might,
And spend my days upon the shore, his homeward ship to sight

But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love John returns from his ship's command.


Just drop the 'long'

Might even try;

Until my true-love John is freed from his captain's command.


Whatever it is a good song with a nice twist in the tail. Would love to hear it being sung.

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 10:37 PM

Ooooooooooohhhh!! :)

I really, really like that a lot. "from his captain's command." Yay! Thanks shanghaiceltic...

Still musing over the "ship to sight" line. I like "his homeward" ship but it still seems a bit awkward. And "his coming ship" is kind of weird too. Maybe I should just abandon the whole ship sighting thing. It's pretty obvious why she spends her days on the shore, anyway. (Hehe...I must have a beach obsession. My other favorite song is "Maid On The Shore", where the young girl spends her time wandering along the beach preying on poor defenseless pirates who only wanted to take her aboard and, er, listen to her singing! Really! (Another great feminist karma folksong *grin*).

Anyway...maybe I could play on the later line "your hope a dying flame" and say something about light? Hmmm...

Thanks again for feedback everyone!

M

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: MMario
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 11:44 PM

*grumble* just what I need - ANOTHER blasted song from the woman's point of view. *whinge*

Can I steal use it?

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Amos
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 12:41 AM

have put off all suitors gay, all lords and men of might,
And spend my days upon the shore, his returning ship to sight.


"I have put off a hundred men, though fortunes they had earned
To spend my days upon the shore to see his ship return"

This would also eliminate the tired phrase :suitors gay". It could be stronger, I am sure; but the point is there are lots of ways to look for a sail that don't have to end in the awkward "ship to sight".

A

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: GUEST,Shanghaiceltic
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 01:54 AM

I think you shold try and keep the line with the ship returning somehow in some form. It expresses a longing for the lass to see her loved one and seems to me to be part of the crux of the story even though she refuses him later. The imagery is very good.

Even though you actually mention her walking on the shore I still conjured up a picture of a woman on what I think used to be called a 'widows walk' the balcony of a house overlooking the sea port where often the captians wife would pace up and down looking for her husbands ship.

'Freed of' might work better than 'freed from'

Can I be your agent ;-)I'll make sure MMario pays his royalties and we can work out the percentages later just sign here _________

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 09:53 PM

MMario...hehehe...I'm flattered! Be my guest. You might want to wait until we've got the kinks worked out, though...;)

Amos: Wow! Wow wow wow. That is *excellent*. With your kind permission, I'd love to use it. I'm going to have to attribute this song to "Molly B. and the collective Mudcat Brain Trust". :)

Shanghai: My parents used to own a beautiful Victorian bed and breakfast in Ashland, OR that had a widow's walk, and I used to go up there with my harp and sit looking up at the Shakespeare Festival while I played. I love that image too...though it's kind of hard to have a conversation with a "handsome youth" from there. Unless you're Roxane and he's Cyrano. *g*

M

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 10:01 PM

P.S. I have one other line alternative that I'm not totally happy with, but at least it rhymes. Eurgh. Instead of:

"What of this John you love so well? What word do you receive?
For surely he'll have written you of his brave, noble deeds?"

I'm trying this:

What of this John you love so well? What word do you receive?
For surely he'll have written home, your sorrows to relieve?"

Still not great, but slightly more legitimate.

M

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: frogprince
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 10:12 PM

but the "brave, noble deeds", being in John's own words, kinda points up how full of his own doodoo he is...

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 10:28 PM

So true! So true! That's why I'm having a hard time parting with it. But not that many things rhyme with "deeds". By the way, www.rhymezone.com is turning out to be a great resource. :)

M

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Amos
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 10:52 PM

Feel free, no royalties or credits required.

A

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 02:34 AM

Sorry to refresh this, but I had to share. :) I think I've managed to finish! I've got a melody written (with the kind assistance of John P, btw) and have tweaked a few more lines. I'm feeling tempted to debut it at this year's Dusty Strings Holiday Open House. *grin* Hopefully it won't put the audience to sleep...

Another friend helped me with that blasted "gold and gems replete" thing. He suggested,

O, then he clasped me in his arms and kissed me long and sweet,
Then on my finger slipped a ring, and knelt down at my feet.
"Oh, what say you, my dear?" quoth he, "shall we to chapel go?"
I bent my lips down to his ear and sweetly answered "No".


Since that was the only line left that I really couldn't stand, I think I can reasonably call the song finished. Mimosas all around!

Thanks again for your help, everybody. If I can figure out how to make a MIDI file of the melody, I'll post it (yeah, sure, that'll happen soon)...

Molly

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Brían
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 10:02 AM

A beautiful piece of work, harpmolly. On scanning it, I find mysylf humming THE JOLLY BEGGARMAN to it. Would you mind if I sing it at SINSULL's September Song Circle to that melody?

B

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Brían
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 11:10 AM

That should be I find myself humming a slow version of THE JOLLY BEGGARMAN.

B

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: open mike
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 02:32 PM

if he was gay why would he woo a girl??!!

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Effsee
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 03:51 PM

Isn't there a tune called "Molly on the Shore"? Don't know it myself but wouldn't that be appropriate if it fitted?

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Stewart
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 04:18 PM

Of course there's the Irish traditional fiddle tune "The Wise Maid" which is probably Molly's inspiration for her title. Then there is a tune by Irish fiddler Dale Russ called "The Slightly Less-Informed Maid" - "a reel similar in its first measure to a standard called The Wise Maid, only not so much, hence the title." Perhaps Molly, you could write a sequel called the latter.

Cheers, S. in Seattle

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: MMario
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 04:25 PM

looking at this better late then never I see

"But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love John returns from his ship's command"

and immediatley think:

"But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love Johnny returns once more to land"

but that's neither here nor there...

Can you post the completed version?

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Jeri
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 04:52 PM

'Replete' doesn't bother me and 'deeds'/'receive' doesn't either. I wouldn't really notice them if you sang the song.

What makes me stop and think 'huh?' just a bit is And spend my days upon the shore, his returning and pray his ship to sight.
Amos's ideas good too, but I'd sing 'denied' instead of 'put off'. It's too close to 'pulled off' to escape the possibility of drunken rudeness.

'And all his vows the same' sounds a bit odd, as in what do HIS vows have to do with it? Maybe 'and though his vows the same'. Still not ideal. Perhaps rhyme something with 'remain'.

These are rather nit-picky things. Whatever you do, you are going to get such huge applause and shouts of 'you GO girlfriend!!!'
The song was waiting to be written. I came up this one verse quite a while ago:

If he goes to sea, survives that danger
Comes home and pretends to be some stranger
Then says "It's ME" who over death did win
I'll tell him he should go and try again

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Brían
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 07:21 PM

Ya know, If yer sawed THE WISE MAID(fiddle tune) in half, filed the ornaments off it and duck-taped it tergether, you jus might be able to sing these words to it.

B

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 23 Sep 05 - 11:52 PM

Wow :) Thanks again for the suggestions. I've been obsessively playing with GarageBand for hours (damn this infernal fancy new Macintosh! Social life? What's that?) and have created a weird blues incarnation of the song. Hehe. Yes, I'm evil. (I'm not sure if I can turn my melody track into a MIDI--if I figure it out I promise I will post it).

Stewart, I knew there was a tune called "The Wise Maid" but I didn't know about Dale Russ's tune. I'll have to check it out. Come to the DS Open House and you can witness the song's debut. :)

Anyway, for those who have kindly requested it, here is the revised song in all its elongated, endless glory. I know I should probably cut a verse or two, but I don't wanna! Pbthpbthpbth!!!

Here we go...damn the torpedos...

The Wiser Maid

I am a maid-in-waiting, for my Johnny I do pine,
And though for seven years he's gone, he lingers in my mind;
I have put off a hundred men, though fortunes they had earned,
And spend my days upon the shore to see his ship return.

It happened then one evening, as I walked out alone,
A fine young lord approached me beneath the setting sun.
He bowed with courtly manners, he offered me his hand,
And asked if I might walk with him along the white sea-strand.

"O, you are not the first to ask, neither the first refused;
For seven years have lords and poets sought me as their Muse.
But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love John is freed from his captain's command."

"The sailor's life is dangerous," this young man said to me,
"For storms do rage, and waves do toss the ship upon the sea;
What if your love be drowned and lost, and all his vows the same?
Will you then wait forever here, your hope a dying flame?"

"My hope will never die," I cried, "and steadfast shall I stay;
Despite your sweet and honeyed words, you'll not draw me away.
If my dear love is drowned and lost, then likewise I shall be,
And gladly will I lie with him beneath the deep blue sea."

"Your faith is true," he slyly said, "and this I well admire,
But could it be that seven years have caused his own to tire?
What of this John you love so well? What word do you receive?
For surely he'll have written home, your sorrows to relieve?"

Upon these words I must confess a tear I did let fall;
For of my John for seven years I'd had no word at all.
But bravely I did smile, and said, "His letters they are long,
And of his love I am assured; he'll never do me wrong."

When this deceit had passed my lips I blushed and dropped my gaze;
But what I saw when next I looked, my eyes it did amaze!
Gone was his cloak and feathered cap; gone was his satin glove;
And handsome John before me stood, his eyes ablaze with love.

"My precious jewel, my lovely Molly, now I can breathe free--
For seven years my only fear was your forsaking me.
I know you've waited long, my love, and long it's felt to me;
But you have passed the test, and now it's married we will be!"

O, then he clasped me in his arms and kissed me long and sweet;
Then on my finger slipped a ring, and knelt down at my feet.
"O, what say you, my dear?" says he, "shall we to chapel go?"
I bent my lips down to his ear and sweetly answered, "No."

Then at his feet I cast his ring, my temper mounting strong,
"For shame!" I cried, "and twice for shame, to do me such a wrong!
For seven years I've languished here while you at sea did play,
And now you seek to test my love--how well I am repaid!"

My Johnny has gone back to sea, his tears and pleas in vain;
And I have made a handsome match, a far more tender man.
My husband he is rich and young, he's honest, fair and wise;
He values me above the sun, and NEVER tells me lies!

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Jun 07 - 11:36 PM

Don't know how I missed this before, Molly, but I LOVE it!!

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Barry Finn
Date: 14 Jun 07 - 12:33 AM

Harpmolly, are you still going on about this one?
I hope so
Barry

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 14 Jun 07 - 02:44 AM

Hehe...wow! I haven't sung it in a while, but I'm definitely still working on it. Probably throw it in at Open House again this year (assuming they ask us back ;)).

Thanks so much, kat and barry! I've gone bright red ;)

Cheers,

Molly

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 15 Jun 07 - 12:44 AM

P.S. One more teensy little revision, and I'm very happy. (not to egregiously refresh or anything ;))

Third-to-last verse: Instead of the line that reads,

"O, what say you, my dear?" says he, "shall we to chapel go?"

(which is clunky and difficult to sing)

instead substitute:

"O, come with me my dear," says he, "and to the church we'll go."

Much smoother, with a fun little internal rhyme (with me/says he). Ahhhhhhh. :)

Thanks again for everyone's help and kindness!

Cheers, M

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 04:05 AM

Molly sent me a MIDI for this song. Take a listen.

---

Click to play

Molly, can you come back and give us a full, up-to-date version of the lyrics?

-Joe-

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 11:23 AM

Thanks so much for posting the MIDI, Joe! And yes, here are the full, totally updated lyrics. I actually decided to group the pairs of verses that go together as one longer verse...what do you all think? (One quick note about the MIDI Joe posted for me...there are obviously rhythmic variations in each verse, and you should feel free to vary the melody or ornament as you wish. The most important thing is that it's in the key of D Mixolydian, so the C is always natural.)

P.S. SO sorry to have let this thread languish (for four years! Yeesh!). In case anyone is interested, one of the reasons I thought to revive it is that I am finally going into the studio this summer to make my first album (YAY!!) and this song is most definitely going to be included!

OK, enough outta me. Here you go, 'Catters! Hope you enjoy it!

The Wiser Maid
by Molly Bauckham

I am a maid-in-waiting, for my Johnny I do pine,
And though for seven years he's gone, he lingers in my mind;
I have put off a hundred men, though fortunes they had earned,
And spend my days upon the shore to see his ship return.

It happened then one evening, as I walked out alone,
A fine young lord approached me beneath the setting sun.
He bowed with courtly manners, he offered me his hand,
And asked if I might walk with him along the white sea-strand.
"O, you are not the first to ask, neither the first refused;
For seven years have lords and poets sought me as their Muse.
But I am not at liberty to walk with any man
Until my true-love John is freed from his captain's command."

"The sailor's life is dangerous," this young man said to me,
"For storms do rage, and waves do toss the ship upon the sea;
What if your love be drowned and lost, and all his vows the same?
Will you then wait forever here, your hope a dying flame?"
"My hope will never die," I cried, "and steadfast shall I stay;
Despite your sweet and honeyed words, you'll not draw me away.
If my dear love is drowned and lost, then likewise I shall be,
And gladly will I lie with him beneath the deep blue sea."

"Your faith is true," he slyly said, "and this I well admire,
But could it be that seven years have caused his own to tire?
What of this John you love so well? What word do you receive?
For surely he'll have written home, your sorrows to relieve?"
Upon these words I must confess a tear I did let fall;
For of my John for seven years I'd had no word at all.
But bravely I did smile, and said, "His letters they are long,
And of his love I am assured; he'll never do me wrong."

When this deceit had passed my lips I blushed and dropped my gaze;
But what I saw when next I looked, my eyes it did amaze!
Gone was his cloak and feathered cap; gone was his satin glove;
And handsome John before me stood, his eyes ablaze with love.
"My precious jewel, my lovely Molly, now I can breathe free--
For seven years my only fear was your forsaking me.
I know you've waited long, my love, and long it's felt to me;
But you have passed the test, and now it's married we will be!"

O, then he clasped me in his arms and kissed me long and sweet;
Then on my finger slipped a ring, and knelt down at my feet.
"O, come with me, my dear," says he, "and to the church we'll go!"
I bent my lips down to his ear and sweetly answered, "No."
Then at his feet I cast his ring, my temper mounting strong;
"For shame!" I cried, "and twice for shame, to do me such a wrong!
For seven years I've languished here while you at sea did play,
And now you seek to test my love--how well I am repaid!"

My Johnny has gone back to sea, his tears and pleas in vain;
And I have made a handsome match, a far more tender man.
My husband he is rich and young, he's honest, fair and wise;
He values me above the sun, and NEVER tells me lies!

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 11:28 AM

And...film at 11! Here's The Wiser Maid performed at my CD release party on Friday night. :)

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: Anglogeezer
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 12:41 PM

Molly
Congratulations on a grand song.
I've been singing it since you first posted it and audiences always love the twist at the end!!

Good Luck with the album.

Jake

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 02 Oct 11 - 03:19 PM

Quite excellent. I like the idea of standing the broken token notion on its head. Here's one I did a few years back with that idea in mind. A bit more soft-hearted...:

The moon it was hidden,
And the night it was still
As a tired weary figure,
Trudged over the hill.
And he came to a window,
"Are you wakin', my dear"
And a voice came like thunder
"We'll have none of that here!"
"For I've never seen you,
And you've nothing to gain here
And you'll not be stayin' here
So just cut and run.
So be off now, young stranger
You're dancin' with danger
For I've got you in range an'
My hand's on my gun."

"Oh Nancy, my bonny,
Can't you see that it's me
Your handsome young Johnny
Come home from the sea.
Now I tried you to test you
And you passed very well
But now I am wet through
And it's raining like hell."
"So give over your jokin',
this rain's got me chokin'
can't you see that I'm soakin,
I'm wet to the skin.
Take a look at this token,
you can see that it's broken
so won't you just open
and let me come in."

"Oh Johnny, be easy,
I've bad news and good,
For I'm not your lady,
Let that be understood.
You that must know that your Nancy,
Has wed with the squire.
But you've taken my fancy,
So come in by the fire."
"And don't think I'm jokin',
this rain's got you chokin',
I can see that you're soakin,
You're wet to the skin.
Forget that old token,
Sure, the bloody thing's broken,
so just wait while I open
and I'll let you come in."

But Johnny stood shaken,
And he cried out "Oh no -,
If my Nancy's been taken,
Back to sea I will go."
"Oh Johnny", says Nancy,
"Two can play at that game
And what's sauce for the gander
For the goose is the same."
"Let's be done with the jokin',
this rain's got you chokin'
I can see that you're soakin,
You're wet to the skin.
Let's just mend the old token,
And join what was broken
so just wait while I open
and I'll let you come in."

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 24 Oct 11 - 12:57 AM

Hah!! Love it, McGrath! And my apologies...I posted my update and never got back to check on the thread! My bad...

Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 24 Oct 11 - 12:58 AM

P.S. and Jake, thanks! Glad to hear you've been test marketing it for me. ;)

Subject: RE: The Wiser Maid (please critique!)
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 24 Oct 11 - 04:18 PM

Harpmolly:
Doubtless this is now in its finished form, and I've only just seen the thread.
Had I got in sooner I would have made a couple of suggestions. And, not being backward in coming forward, I'll still put them:
"O, you are not the first to ask, neither the first refused;
The secong half of this line seems at odds with the stresses in other verses. Maybe "nor first to be refused". And if that was the case, the 'neither' (which I don't like in a second clause, having been brought up with "either/or & neither/nor") could migrate to the first half of the line:
"O, you are neither first to ask, nor first to be refused;"

I bent my lips down to his ear and sweetly answered, "No."
'Sweetly answered'? this isn't in keeping with her following words & temper. I would have replaced 'sweetly' with 'sourly', but the sound is wrong. How about "sternly answered 'No!'"?

But there again, why meddle with what is an excellent song?

I got pleasure just from reading!

Thanks

Nigel

Subject: RE: The Wiser Maid (please critique!)
From: GUEST,blogward
Date: 25 Oct 11 - 04:23 AM

My 20pence worth:

I put my lips close by his ear and whispered to him, "No."