Folklore: Limericks...know any good ones [15]

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Joe_f
Date: 20 Oct 05 - 09:17 PM

A lady lubricious and lewd

Once stood in a queue in the nude,

And a man down in front

Hollered out "I smell cunt" --

Just like that! Right out loud! Fucking rude!



Now everyone loves a butch guy.

That's a fact that we cannot deny.

But between butch & bitch

Is such a small switch --

Just the difference between U & I.



There was once a young lady named Sue,

Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw,

But one leads to the other,

And now she's a mother.

Let that be a lesson to you.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Quotation marks & car horns are warning signals that are used by the vulgar to express their emotions. :||

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: UncleToad
Date: 20 Oct 05 - 09:08 PM

I am glad some good 'catter raised this thread from the abyss...

Great Material!

Uncle(FeelsGoodToLaff)Toad

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Byrhthelm
Date: 20 Oct 05 - 11:58 AM

There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When they asked him why
He said in reply
It's because I always try and fit as many syllables on the last line as I can.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Schantieman
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 10:53 AM

A relative lady called Bright....

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Dead Horse
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 06:22 PM

No

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 04:48 PM

refresh til I can come back and read 'em

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 06:45 AM

A rocket explorer named Wright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 06:25 AM

................................
to travel much faster than light,
He set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.


does anyone know the first line?

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Pseudolus
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 02:21 PM

My all-time favorite which is from another limeric thread but I couldn't find it nor remember who posted it...

There once was a man named McKnight
Whose limericks were never quite right
They's go on just fine
til the very last line
And they they just seemed to fall apart somehow.....


I'm sure I didn't get that word for word but....

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 02:13 PM

There was a young girl from Aberystwith
Drove her chaff to the mill to make grist with
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Sep 05 - 08:01 AM

There was a young man named Morse
Who went for a ride on a donkey
He tripped on a hummock
And fell on his head
And got up and said tut! Tut!

A man from Henly in Arden
Whos wife........................ er perhaps not

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 08:02 PM

oh...when I said "that last one", I meant 'guests' contribution...Ron Edward's offering is merely about # 3 on the most quoted of all time...*grin*....It has been translated into several languages, including Latin!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 07:59 PM

left out the limerick!

"There was a young fellow named Hyde,
Who fell down a privy and died.
His unfortunate brother,
Fell down another.
And now they're interred side-by-side."

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 07:56 PM

getting worse here. That last one was truly hopless.

How come when a limerick thread starts, there are a predictable 9-10 that ALWAYS show up? If YOU have known it for 40 years, chances are everyone else has too.

There are a few nice creative attempts up there...and several that are pretty good and NOT from the list of "25 most repeated limericks of all time"

Let's dig up some like this gem! (and DO attempt to keep the basic limerick meter, perhaps?)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Ron Edwards
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 07:47 PM

there once was a plumber named Lee
who was plumbing his girl by the sea
said the gal to the plumber
I hear some one coming
said the plumber still plumbing Its ME

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Sep 05 - 04:31 PM

there was a man called pete
who liked the smell of womens feet
when his wife found
without a doubt
there was no action under their sheet

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 16 Sep 05 - 01:16 PM

But when she bent down, the doggie went round,
And gave her a bone of his own!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: UncleToad
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 05:41 PM

You 'catters have come up with some real good'uns.

Finish this'un...

Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor doggie a bone

Uncle(Can'tRememberThePunchLine)Toad

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Lanfranc
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 07:39 PM

Variations on a theme....

Once a lesbian whore from Khartoum
Took a gay Arab up to her room
But they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, and with which and to whom.

There was a Scots whore from Pitlochry
Who once turned a trick in a rockery
When she found he had come
All over her bum
She cried, "'Tisnae a f**k, it's a mockery!"

A New York hooker called Sandy
Was quite preternaturally randy
She serviced ten cops
And several wops
And a fire hydrant because it was handy.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Midchuck
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 06:49 PM

An incredible fact, although true
Concerning the sage, Lao-Tzu
Is that when questioned how
One attained the Great Tao,
He replied, and in English, "F*** You!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Sep 05 - 09:34 PM

What about the one where she offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night long he was on her and off her?

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,bigp
Date: 13 Sep 05 - 08:13 PM

You may have heard these before...........

There was a young man from Hocket,
Who got blasted up in a rocket,
The force of the blast blew his balls up his arse,
And they found his cock in his pocket

There was a young Nun from Nigeria,
Whos morales were rather inferior,
She done to someone what she shouldn't have done,
And now shes a mother superior

There was a young Man from Leeds,
Who swalowed a packet of seeds,
Flowers and grass grew out of his arse,
And around his balls were weeds

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Flash Company
Date: 09 Sep 05 - 06:48 AM

A young man called Cholmondely Colquohoun
Once kept, as a pet, a Baboquohoun,
His mother said 'Cholmondely,
Do you think that it's colmondely
To feed your Baboquohoun with a spoquohoun?'

It helps if you know the name in line 1 is pronounced 'Chumley Colhoon'

There was a young lady named Gwen
Who just did it now and again,
And again, and agajn,
And again, and again,
And again and again and again!

There was a young man from Darjeelin,
Who got on a bus down in Ealing,
A sign on the door
said 'Don't spit on the floor,
So he lay down and spat on the ceiling!

I'm off to Cornwall for another two weeks now, keep it going whilst I'm away.

FC

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 08 Sep 05 - 11:57 AM

By Edward Gorey:

The babe, with a cry brief and dismal
Fell into the waters baptismal;
Ere they'd gathered its plight
It had sunk out of sight
For the depth of the font was abysmal.

and

Each night father fills me with dread
As he sits at the foot of my bed
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks
But for 17 years he's been dead.

and, a music one:

They had come from the fugue to the stretto
When a bearded young man from the ghetto
Reached forward and grabbed
Her tresses and stabbed
Her to death with a rusty stiletto.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Sep 05 - 08:50 AM

The limerick gets laughs astronomical
In a space that is quite economical
But the good ones I seen
Are seldom so clean
And the clean ones are seldom so comical.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 08 Sep 05 - 05:43 AM

Go for it Flash!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Flash Company
Date: 07 Sep 05 - 11:37 AM

An incestuous young girl from Dunbar
Said 'At golf, I am sure to go far,
I've no putter or driver,
But I'll bet you a fiver,
I can still play around under pa(r)'

There was a young girl from Madras,
Who had a remarkable ass,
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think,
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass!

There was a young lady from Thrace,
Who's corset would no longer lace,
Her mother said, 'Nellie,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face!'

Want any more?

FC

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 04:13 PM

There was a young man from Stroud,
Who was having a bit in the crowd.
A chap at the front,
turned around and said "c***",
Just like that and not very loud.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Flash Company
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 11:12 AM

There was a young lady named Gloria,
Who was raped by the Comte du Maurier,
Then to her surprise,
by three other guys
And the band from the Waldorf Astoria!

Fc

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 08:34 AM

The above were written by Edward Gorey who pens the most exquisite gothic limericks with delicious illustrations to match. I'd write more but my children have stolen all my Edward Gorey books and those were the only ones I could remember.

Here's a bunch more.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Coyote Breath
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 01:59 AM

Gothic ehh?

A foolish young woman named Gwen
Was of seen with the 'wrong kind of men'
She vanished one day
And the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.

or

The disection of Vavasour Scowles
Was a sickener; they came on his bowles
In a firken; his brain
was found Clogging a drain
and his toes were done up in some towels.

The above were written by Edward Gorey who pens the most exquisite gothic limericks with delicious illustrations to match. I'd write more but my children have stolen all my Edward Gorey books and those were the only ones I could remember.

CB

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 04:55 PM

There once was a man named St. John
Who was packing a whopping great engine
In bed, when his wife
Expressed fear for her life
St. John would insist "Stop your whingein'!"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 04:36 PM

Comje on peeps keep it going

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: Schantieman
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 09:30 AM

There once was a man from Dunoon
Who always ate soup with a fork
For he said, "As I eat
Neither fish, fowl nor flesh
I should finish my dinner too quick".

Another young man from Dundee
Was stung on the arm by a wasp.
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "No, it doesn't -
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet".

A lady who lived on the Humber
Had a wond'rous collection of lumber:
Old boots and tin whistles,
A brush without bristles,
Three harps and a fossilised plumber.

*****RUDE ONES BELOW!*****


And I'm sure, 'twas a fellow from Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.

(But it might have been Ghent)

There once was a chap from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it".

Another young fellow from Buckingham...

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 07:15 AM

There was a young man from Mondatta,
Who people thought was a mad hatter.
He was really quite clever,
And will be for ever.
Because he is an avid 'mudcatter'

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 04 Sep 05 - 03:04 PM

There was a young girl from Frod,
Who was having a baby from God.
It was not the Almighty,
That crawled up her nightie,
But the vicar, the dirty old sod.

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Barrie Roberts
Date: 04 Sep 05 - 12:34 AM

A couple of 'religious' ones:

There was a young lady in Crewe
That the curate was longing to screw,
She said, 'I'd rather the Vicar,
He's thicker and quicker
And six times longer than you!'

There was a young curate named Bings,
Who discoursed upon God and such things,
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like two jellies on springs.

And a tongue-twister:

To his girl said the lynx-eyed detective,
'Could it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit---
Or is it my sense of perspective?'

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 07:04 PM

There was a young spinster from York,
Who diddled her clit with a fork.
With a knife she tried too,
But did not have a clue,
A knife did not have enough torque.

There was a young spinster from Idaho
Who rode into town to rideaho,
She could lie on her back,
And open her crack,
But preferred to do it from the Sideaho.

There was a young spinster from Dover,
In her garden did try to bend over,
But for heavens sake,
She sat down on the rake,
And thought that it was Casanova.

There was a young tart from Toulouse,
Who was rumoured to be somewhat loose.
She removed of her pants,
In the middle of France,
And ended up in the caboose.

Any more for any more........

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 04:21 PM

My daughter, now 38yrs.old, wrote this one in 5th grade.

A grasshopper hopped on a square.
He hopped on a girl sitting there.
He chirped in her ear,
Which filled her with fear,
And sent her sky high in the air.

Love to all.                  Tw

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 02:02 PM

There is a Mudcatter named Shambles
Who bores us with incessant rambles.
He thinks that his fate
Is to cause 'mass debate'.
So let's toss him...













....Into the brambles

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,There was an old spinster from York,
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 01:49 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: UncleToad
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 12:28 PM

and these...

There was an old spinster from York
who diddled her clit with a fork

There was a young cowboy from Idaho
who rode into town to rideaho

There was a spinster from Dover
in her garden did bend over

There was a young tart from Touloose
who was rumored to be quite loose

Uncle(KeepEmComing)Toad

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 02:32 AM

Geeze that did come off badly didn't it? LOL.......Sorry all! I think I've gotten used to jacking around with Shambles so much that I ain't fit for real folks no more.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:38 PM

yessir, 'spaw...I mean nossir, 'spaw....


(not bad, eric...considering...)

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 07:18 PM

We've had about a hundred limerick threads but what the hell.........

I like the alliterative quality of this one:

There once was a man named Magruder
Who met a nude and he wooed her.
But she thought it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
But Magruder was shrewd...and he screwed her.

A beautiful image here.......

THe was a young man named Glass
Who had two balls both made of brass.
When he rubbed them together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

These two make a conversation of sorts.........

While I sat by the Duchess at tea
She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me!

But the Duchees turned and asked me
If an eggplant I ever did see.
When I replied, "Yes," rather bored
She said "Sir you've explored
Up a hen's ass much further than me!"

A little bestiality..........

Pretty young Janice McNair
Was had by a man all covered with hair.
Then he took off his hat
And Jan realized that
She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear.

For the beer lover..........

A pretty young miss named Ann Hiser
Claimed that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance
And found Schlitz in her pants
Now he is sadder...Budweiser.


Don't get me started. BTW, don't post "The Farter from Sparta" as it has been posted several times before here.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric.
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 07:14 PM

There was a young man from Ghent,
Whose prick was exceedingly bent.
To save him much trouble,
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming..He went!

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric.
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 07:10 PM

With poetic licence Bill D:-

A girl who went out wearing nothing,
From her boyfriend received a good cuffing.
It was not for her rudity,
or general crudity,
But because she was getting a muffing.

Bartender please draw me a pint,
Of your best American ale,
It's not that I worry
Bout other pubs slurry.
But it always looks a bit pale.

A young man once spent a whole month,
Enjoying each wonderful night.
Although all the covers
On his bed were all loose,
The bugger was always up---tight

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Bernie
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 06:27 PM

A pirate,so history relates
Was horsing around with his mates
He fell on his cutlass,which rendered him nutless
And totally usless on dates


A strapping young fellow named Cass
had two balls of fine,solid brass
When jangled together,they played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.


A fine-looking lassie named Lee
Was raped by an ape in a tree
The result was just horrid,all arse and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 05:41 PM

"A girl who went out wearing nothing,
------------------------------
------------------------
------------------------
--------------------------------"

"Bartender, please draw me a pint,
------------------------------
------------------------
------------------------
--------------------------------"


"A young man once spent a whole month
------------------------------
------------------------
------------------------
--------------------------------"


*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Limerics...know any good ones
From: GUEST,Slim Eric
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 01:35 PM

Although they were 'bless' full,
They were so unsuccessful,
He ended his days in a tent.