BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?

Subject: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 01:16 AM

Personally, I prefer a Korean-made Fender Standard Stratocaster, though the current crop of Mexican-made ones will certainly work in a pinch. Nice heft. Lots of deadly momentum when you swing it. Sure, the neck will probably snap but, hey, you're probably going to jail anyway so what does it matter? At least you won't be irritated by those scratchy pots* anymore.



*No, not flower pots. Potentiometrs, aka volume control knobs.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Kaleea
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 02:48 AM

Bee-are we to assume that when you say "instrument" you are referring to musical instruments? there might be a difference in the answers you get.
   The guitars I saw in Korea years ago (about30) were barely worth using to bludgeoning--I certainly hope they are made beter nowadays.
However,I digress. I've long thought that a musical saw might be interesting to use when the need arises to bludgeon an assailant.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: GUEST,Fullerton
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 02:55 AM

You can maximise bludgeoning effectiveness by using an old Eko Ranger 6 - Nice guitars - They were fitted with a large (5 inch cube!) block of wood which helps to give momentum in ones pre-bludgeoning swing.

However these are nice instruments and they probably don't deserve it.

Any Yamaha keyboard from the PSR series. They deserve it.

My friend bought a korean Strat. He took it home played it for an hour or so. Then he placed it carefully in the centred of a roaring fire and burned it. He has "issues."

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 03:19 AM

Well, yes, musical instruments mainly. But, hey, who's to say you can't play a tune on a sledgehammer?

And weren't the victims on Perry Mason almost always killed with "Blunt instruments"? Who was this Blunt person and exactly what kinds of instruments did he make? Can't have been guitars or I'd have heard of them. Accordions, maybe?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 03:51 AM

Absolutely any banjo will do, the long necked ones give you a good arc but avoid the fretless ones as they don't offer a good enough grip when you swing them.
Then of course there's the ubiquitous didgeridoo some of which are a nice weight. I suggest the initial onslaught be made using bodhran frisbees which will soften the victim up.
Don't do this in Australia where they like didgeridoos, and a bludger has a different meaning.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: John O'L
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 03:52 AM

An iron-framed upright piano will cause serious injury, and will be easier to swing than a grand.
(Any brand'll do.)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: mooman
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 04:39 AM

There is none better than the "Barnsley Fighting Guitar" or metal-bodied resonator guitar as it is more commonly known outside Yorkshire.

(Not that I advocate any form of aggressive behaviour of course)

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 04:51 AM

120 bass piano accordion: the straps would let you give it a hell of a swing and if the accordion breaks: who cares?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 06:32 AM

a blunt one

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:15 AM

Fully inflated bagpipes. If the instrument doesn't do it its last cries will.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: eleanor c
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:22 AM

My Irish flute teacher's euphemism for bludgeoning is "ego reassignment", a phrase which he used in explaining to me what a shilleleagh is , aka "The Blackthorn Stick" of the song, which I had wrongly assumed meant a Blackwood Irish flute.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:25 AM

I have a late teens/early 20's tenor banjo with a 1" thick body- and a one-piece turned wood resonator.

I think it would put a dent in any metal-bodied guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: John Hardly
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:25 AM

Sure, if you have enough time to actually sneak up on someone, a Strat would perhaps do the job. In reality though, when faced with the need to bludgeon, speed is as necessary as heft. People don't hold still for a good bludgeoning like they used to.

Yamaha FGs will work nicely. The hollow body adds speed to the outer arc of the swinging bludgeon, and plywood will hold up to even the most intense WHAM! without breaking apart too severely. If you insist on a more "boutique bludgeon" I would suggest Taylor to Martin -- bolt on necks will hold up much better that the traditional dovetail joint.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: MMario
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:26 AM

I've found some singers are experts at bludgeoning with the voice.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: mooman
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:28 AM

Yes Bruce,

But would it put a dent in some of our less desirable denizens (many of whom have skull of >1" thickness of some form of dense material)! (;>)

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:35 AM

for that, I would (try to ) play it!

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: John Hardly
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:41 AM

If I had a Stratocaster
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: mooman
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:47 AM

A Strat is good...
...but a Hagstrom Swede packs more punch!(I used to be over 6 foot before I started playing one but sold it and moved to harder ground just in time...)

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:54 AM

For close work, a washboard is hard to beat (but easy to play-badly!)
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 10:20 AM

I seem to remember an interview with Pete Townsend where he said that he stopped smashing Fender guitars because they were too hard to break. And if anyone would be an expert on the matter it would be Pete.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 12:21 PM

this one... you can then bury the body with it.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 01:32 AM

I can't reach the guitar link Bill D

Pianos are too heavy for me to heft with amy Dicky Back (and Dicky Knee wouldn't help much either), but if you can lure the unwitting bludgee to stand on the spot marked 'X', then you should be able to suspend the thing from a pulley on the 3rd floor.

120 Bass Accordions are too heavy (too much inertia) to get a good swing - the bludgee would be well away. I suggest any form of 'button accordion' - a melodion would be fine...

I do have an Indian Harmonium which would only need a slight runup, like a caber tosser.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Charmion
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 10:10 AM

If you grabbed them in the right place, you could do some fairly smart work with a tenor recorder or the bass drone of a bagpipe. Have you considered the stabbing capabilities of a good-quality whistle?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 10:53 AM

strange, Foolestroupe...I got a 'not found' message too..

but I backed into the site...here, and found the list...scroll down near the bottom to "shovel guitar"

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: *daylia*
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 10:56 AM

I vote the cello. Much lighter than a piano! When you're all bludgeoned out you can use the spike for impaling, the strings for strangling too!

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 11:11 AM

Then again, it all depends on your objective in bludgeoning. If you want to subdue the drunk who is trying to climb onto the stage and commandeer the microphone, a bludgeon such as a Fender Strat is called for. But if you want to thoroughly punish and humiliate the drunk heckler who's been loudly calling for you to play "Stairway to Heaven" between every two songs for the last four hours, a fiddle bow is ideal. You can inflict 7,354 vigorous strokes with a fiddle bow before your victim lapses into unconsciousness. Just remember to use that cheap fiberglass "emergency" bow, not the good one.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 06:03 PM

Do n't forget the Eko Ranger 6 also stays in tune after you've bludged

Gerry

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 06:05 PM

Allegedly

Gerry

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 06:56 PM

I seem to remember that the hero in the TV series Kung Fu used a heavyweight flute quite effectively. (Slung over his shoulder in this picture.)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: John Hardly
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 07:07 PM

ah, yes, grasshopper.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 03 Sep 05 - 11:05 PM

In a good, down and out, bar-room-brawl.....

give me a cheap cello

If bludgeoning is not sufficent your can alway schewer instead.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 04 Sep 05 - 12:52 AM

G'day McGrath,

As far as I can see from the small photograph, that is a traditional sakuhachi (Japanese end-blown, notched bamboo flute).

The mendicant Zen Buddhist priests who traditionally played these were forbidden to carry weapons ... but nothing forbade them from defending themselves, from bandits, with their musical instruments! The favoured self-protection models were made from the bottom section of high-density bamboo (harvested in mid-winter, believe) and with a substantial lump of the heavy root node left in place ... a sort of Oriental, musical shillelagh!

Regards,

Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Mooh
Date: 04 Sep 05 - 01:13 PM

Bludgeon is a cool word.

Seen a number of "First Act" brand guitars which would serve the purpose just fine, as long as it was single use application. They're not very reusable, even as guitars or bludgeons. As for the recipient, any number of world leaders are deserving, and one in particular, but I value my freedom and security too much to suggest which. In the meantime, just to rid the world of crapola axes is reason enough to break them.

It might be more fun to make things out of them though, like a house made of guitars or something.

A guitar catapult would be fun. How far can an average weight electric axe be tossed? (What was that TV show that tossed a piano into a lake?)

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Davetnova
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 03:36 AM

Here is a flute purpose made for the job truncheon flute

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: GUEST,Fullerton
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 08:48 AM

German band Einsturzende neubaten used chainsaws in their act........

I think they were tuned to E..... :)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: GUEST,Fogie
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 10:40 AM

Nothing comes close to a basson- why should it?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: gnomad
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 10:54 AM

How about a Balalaika?

They come in a range of sizes to suit all tastes and degrees of damage required, and I reckon the triangular body should concentrate the power nicely.

Probably give the forensic chaps something of a puzzle too.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Gray D
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 07:31 PM

The piano flinging TV show was "Northern Exposure" - the local artist "Chris"(?) was the flingee. Something to do with releaving his angst. I'm not saying existential mind you, 'cos the show was fictional, so he didn't . . . er . . . exist.

I note that you are all steadfastly ignoring the brass section.

And do the percussion mallets on tubular bells count as part of the instrument? I think I need a ruling here. Referee?

Gray D

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 08:14 PM

Well, yes. I sugested the use of a fiddle bow above and if a bow is an instrument then mallets definitely qualify. So do hammer dulcimer hammers, though bludgeoning with hammer dulcimer hammers would probably require months to achieve any noticeable effect.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Sep 05 - 10:49 PM

"German band Einsturzende neubaten used chainsaws in their act........

I think they were tuned to E..... :)"

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 08:33 AM

a xylophone has a lot of blunt bits, AND also hammers

or how about -

the-beer-bottles-hanging-on-different-lengths-of-string-&-hit-briskly-with-wooden-spoons

even more blunt bits

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: mooman
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 09:12 AM

Didn't Ian Dury have the definitive answer to this engrossing question...?

Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Mooh
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 09:24 AM

Gray D...Thanks for that. Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Gray D
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 04:41 PM

What if one attached strings to an actual bludgeon and tuned them up?

You'd get excellent sustain from the dense material, but only if it was a really good quality bludgeon in the first place.

A pickup could provide added heft, but of course your swing may slowed, even skewed, by the trailing lead.

I'm just trying to be helpful here, you understand.

I don't think you ever explained why you needed the advice, Bee-dubya, perhaps that would help to narrow down the suggestions.

Gray D

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 05:19 PM

if you treated yer audience better, Bee-dubya, you might not need the information

;>)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 08:35 PM

I don't personally need an instrument to use as a bludgeon. It's errr.... a friend that needs it. Yeah....

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: beardedbruce
Date: 09 Sep 05 - 07:21 AM

cheap chello available, will deliver to Getaway...


But the tenor banjo will take it out with one swipe.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: belter
Date: 09 Sep 05 - 03:50 PM

I'd like to sugjest that a wood or bamboo flute is tuff fast manuverable, & versitile. a lite stick will usally beat a heavy crudgel.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Instrument for Bludgeoning?
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 09 Sep 05 - 07:23 PM

I think we migh be being a bit restrictive here. It's clearly a better idea to take them out a distance, with sharpened throwing drumsticks, or a cymbal.

Given the selection of instruments sofar, it will be at a distance, as they'll be running away, rather than hearing them played together...