BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 05:10 AM

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This is the follow on from the Third Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 05:13 AM

This is a guide for classifying technicians. The higher the number, the less desirable the technician is:

7   Bill, the village idiot.
   Bill is totally incompetent. The only reason he is working is because he is 1) married to the boss's ugliest daughter, 2) the boss's son or 3) the son of the boss's boss. You might as well kiss your computer goodbye once it gets into Bill's hands.

6   Mr. Rent-a-tech.
   Mr. Rent-a-tech is the guy who gets contracted out by a company to fix computers. Mr. Rent-a-tech is called in when you live outside of the Manufacturer's rep's service area. Mr. Rent-a-tech is really Captain Hammer or Pop in disguise. He's likely never seen a computer like yours before and doesn't even know how to take it apart. He'll usually spend a few days making your computer unrepairable. With your luck, the warranty will run out just before he is done with your machine.

5   Captain Hammer
   Captain Hammer used to be a mechanic. Captain Hammer never goes anywhere without his claw hammer. He uses his trusty hammer to seat expansion cards so they will never come out and to pound in those pesky chips which are trying to unseat themselves. While clawing out an expansion card or memory chip, he can sometimes remove the slot or chip socket from the motherboard at no extra cost. He usually finishes off your computer by yanking it off your desk because he snagged his coat on one of the new nails protruding from your case.

4   Pop from Mom and Pop's 'puters
   Good old Pop really tries but he really doesn't know a thing about computers. He jiggles boards around just to see if they are loose while the computer is still powered up. He'll even pull boards out and reseat them while the machine is running. Some of the expansion boards in your computer will end up in the wrong slots - 8 bit cards in 32 or 16 bit slots and 16 and 32 bit cards placed in 8 bit slots.

3   Try everything Fred.
   Try everything Fred tries everything the can think of which is not related to the problem just in case. Unfortunately, Fred does not know how to properly re-connect things. So expect your hard drive to be connected to your floppy controller and your floppy drive connected to your ESDI controller. He'll even plug things in backwards just because its easier to plug them in this way.

2   The guy from XT's R Us
   This guy knows only a little bit about computers. He'll low level format your hard drive at an 4:1 interleave factor that will make it slower than a CD-ROM drive. Basically, he got his training from a institution which advertises on the backs of matchbooks and in Popular Mechanics. Any replacement ram chips he stuffs into your machine are likely from some old XT.

1   Dr. Fixit.
   Dr. Fixit really knows how to fix computers. Too bad for you he is never around when you need him. Dr. Fixit, never stays long with the outfit he works at, this is because he usually finds someone who will pay him better for his talents than his current employer.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 04:50 PM

Did you know that any blonde joke works just as well as a Bush joke? I just found that out when my republican colleague started telling jokes I'd heard about Bush as if they were blonde jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Dead Horse
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 06:17 PM

So just how many Bushes does it take to change a light bulb, huh?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 29 Sep 05 - 06:28 PM

You'll have to ask someone at Halliburton that question, Dead Horse. If Iraq is any example, about ten thousand.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 09:33 AM

Two Scottish Jokes from another forum.

Why was the prisoner lonely?


Off all the cows in the field which one was on holiday?











because he was in his sel'

the one wi' the wee calf

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 01:09 PM

This may have occured ealier in this and connected threads but I love it so much:

Did you hear about the man who forgot to take his homeopathic medicine?












Died of an overdose!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 02:00 PM

LOL, Les in Chorlton. Good one!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Sep 05 - 07:44 PM

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Monday.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 08:10 PM

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Catholic woman, and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and keep the house spotless. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 09:44 AM

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK, smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing........... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 02:22 PM

And didn't I read somewhere that Intelligent Design had been disproved...
...by the existence of the Kansas School Board?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Juan P-B
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 01:45 PM

A Lady's story
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself forcoming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 07:55 PM

Drunk in a biker bar...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 05 Oct 05 - 05:14 AM

A trucker is sitting in a truckstop eating his dinner when about twenty bikers drive in and park up. They all swagger into the truckstop the biggest biker sits by the trucker and starts to eats the truckers dinner then drinks his coffee. The trucker sits and watches then gets up and leaves.
The bikers calls out to everyone in the room " Not much of a man was he"
The waitress replies " Not much of a driver either. He has just backed his truck over 20 motor bikes".

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 08 Oct 05 - 07:38 AM

Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the bad girls live...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Oct 05 - 08:16 AM

He's got a little list, and checking it twice...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Dead Horse
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 12:00 AM

You'd have a little list if you had to drink all that sherry & eat them mince pies every year!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 10:19 AM

Hey - we had a Santa (Flash) game about that last year - now where did I put the link?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 21 Oct 05 - 03:29 PM

A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raised their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shoot! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goats.' "

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Juan P-B
Date: 21 Oct 05 - 06:28 PM

In 1936 the, then, King of England gave up all rights to the throne so that he could marry a divorced woman called Wallis!

The present heir to the English throne has gone and married a divorced woman who looks like Grommit!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 21 Oct 05 - 11:38 PM

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,gs
Date: 22 Oct 05 - 05:22 AM

Regarding the sants feeling jolly thing a little way back...I don't see what he has to be jolly about, he only ever comes once a year and its always down a chimney.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Dead Horse
Date: 22 Oct 05 - 08:49 AM

So he has "grate" sex!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Justa Picker
Date: 28 Oct 05 - 07:09 PM

Ultimate Beer Troubleshooting Chart

When drinking beer and something is not right, look up the sympton below, determine the fault, and apply the recommended action.

The SYMPTOM
The FAULT
Your ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless................
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Gurney
Date: 29 Oct 05 - 05:07 AM

Guest gs, Santa may only come once a year, but when he does, he fills your stocking!

There's a man up in the isthmus,
and they call him Father Christmas,
and we think he's rather queer,
for he comes but once a year!

'Cosher Bailey' verse

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Nov 05 - 05:18 AM

One liners from a South African comedian called Barry Hilton

1. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early".

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

14. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There's so many places they can hide."

15. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

16. I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

17. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

18. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

19. With my old man, I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

21. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times I was reading it.

22. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy for birth control.

23. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Den
Date: 03 Nov 05 - 09:04 AM

RTS I guess Barry HIlton has been listening to Rodney Dangerfield.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Nov 05 - 11:47 AM

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked.... but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well.... I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer.... but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Nov 05 - 11:48 AM

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Nov 05 - 05:55 AM

Man goes to the zoo... but when he arrives there is only a dog...











It was a shitzu

(GROAN)

...and you've probably seen these already:
Obviously not much thought involved when these domains were set up!
>
>First there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
>www.whorepresents.com
>
>Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
>www.expertsexchange.com
>
>Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
>www.penisland.net
>
>Need a therapist? Try:
>www.therapistfinder.com
>
>And there is an Italian Power-Generation company:
>www.powergenitalia.com
>
>Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
>www.molestationnursery.com
>

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 06 Nov 05 - 09:51 PM

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," in the newspapers, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

               370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside-down."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 02:08 AM

The rabbi's son (RS) is leaving the CNN-building.
A friend (F): What did you do there?
RS: A-a-a-applied f-f-for a-a-a-a jo-jo-job.
F: What job?
RS: N-n-n-news a-a-a-anchor-m-m-m-man.
F: And did you get it?
RS: N-n-n-no. A-a-a-all a-a-a-anti-Sssssemites.

With best regards to M.G.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 02:28 AM

I heard that joke told and afterwards a man in the audience (MIA) came up to the comedian (C) and said:

MIA: That w-was a g-g-g-good j-j-joke that

C: Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.

MIA: N-n-no, n-not at all! I'm n-not J-J-Jewish am I?


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 10:08 AM

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, and each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at Work
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 01:54 PM

A boy was riding in the back seat on the way home from his little brother's Christening. He was crying. The mother turned around and said, "Joey, what's wrong?". The boy replied, "Well, in church the priest kept saying that he wanted us to live in a good Christian home, but I wanna live with you guys!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 06:41 PM

A "Boudreaux the Cajun" Joke, shamelessly stolen from another site:

Boudreaux and GI insurance

Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay the beneficiary $200,000.

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Nov 05 - 12:38 PM

I'm sure a lot of you have already seen this, but I hadn't so here it is...

~S~

---------------------------------------

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with:

Carnation Milk is best of all...

The old lady said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"

She sent in her entry, and about a week later a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we are not able to use it...."

This was her entry:

Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 14 Nov 05 - 09:29 AM

Mr York's pub was losing custom. Young locals wanted somewhere to have a dance & a DJ but he had no room. So he bought an ex-army marquee and put it on the car park. It was a great success but business tailed off in the cold weather. His son was an art student so they put in a patio heater and son painted a mural of tropical seaside scenes on the canvas. When the customers saw the result they said:

(wait for it!)

"Now is the winter of our disco tent made glorious summer by this son of York".

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 21 Nov 05 - 01:00 PM

An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they ended up putting him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility,they come to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Arab!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,DB
Date: 21 Nov 05 - 05:42 PM

A newly married couple move in next door to a Dirty Old Man (DOM).
One day the voluptuous young wife (VYW) is in the garden, hanging up the washing, and the DOM is leaning on the fence leering at her; she is trying to ignore him.

Eventually the DOM says, "excuse me missus!"

And she says, crossly, "yes, what do you want?"

The DOM says, "I'd love to kiss your tits!"

The VYW shrieks in outrage and yells, "you dirty old git, I'm going to tell my husband what you just said and he'll come over there and kill you!"

She rushes in doors and comes back with hubby. The DOM is still leaning on the fence.

Hubby yells, "what have you been saying to my wife, you filthy old pervert?"

The DOM says, calmly, "I just said I'd love to kiss her tits, that's all."

Hubby says, "right, you're dead!"

The DOM says, "I'd give a thousand pounds to kiss her tits."

The VYW says, "a thousand pounds?"

"Yes" says the DOM.

The VYW says, "well, I suppose we could do with money ... we need a new washing machine and that second bedroom needs decorating ... I suppose it wouldn't do any harm ..."

Hubby says to the VYW, "OK, get your bra off" and to the DOM, "right, get on with it!"

The DOM begins to fondle the VYWs fine bosom, making whimpering and moaning sounds as he does so.

Hubby yells, "well, go on, kiss them then!!"

The DOM says, "can't, I haven't got any money!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 08:07 PM

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten.
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for
    eternal darkness;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under
      the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark'
      the whole time;
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong
      light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb
      and screwing the country.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 08:08 PM

Hu's On First

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 10:50 PM

1)Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2)hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3)wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4)thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5)finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
6)measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7)breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
8)vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9)knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10)classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
11)dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12)promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13)executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader



KEEP READING...



Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the

Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,

Project Leader

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:08 PM

There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:10 PM

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:14 PM

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty weird).

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:16 PM

Paul Harvey quoted Argus Hamilton:

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. The owners no longer want their team's name to be associated with crime. So from now on the team will be known as The Bullets.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 09:51 AM

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

RtS
(Kemo Sabe)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Gurney
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 02:40 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with :
A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.   The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye --they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

-the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't
remember who the hell I've sent it to!

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


Sorry about the cut-and-paste, but the author knows wherof he writes. He's forgotten that he left the hose running in the first sentence!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 09:45 AM

One for our Antipodean colleagues, stolen from today's newspaper:

Australian family at the zoo. One lion licks another lion's behind.
Child asks inevitably: "Daddy what is that lion doing?"
Father replies: "He's just eaten a Pom and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

RtS
(Pommy B*****d)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 09:55 AM

Australian jokes are just too easy...

Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral



An English tourist visiting the Outback of Australia notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 06:42 AM

Oh AUSTRALIA...
(well actually it probably applies in many 1st world countries now too)

OH, so true.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN MALAYSIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AUSTRALIA

Keep this circulating.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 07:02 AM

Old Australian (and racist) joke...

How do you know when a plane load of English immigrants has landed?

When the pilot switches the engines off - it carries on whining.

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 07:08 AM

Unfortunately, not all whingers in Australia are Pohms...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 01:23 PM

Why are Irish jokes so simple?

So that the English can understand them.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 12:34 PM

Did you hear about the Australian lad who was given a new boomarang for his birthday?

He spent the next 20 years trying to get rid of the old one.






We are in a Southern State, where there has been a drought. A local minister does something about it.
One Sunday, in church, he thus:
"Lord, we is prayin' to you"
Cong. Ohhhh,yes.
We is an agricultural country, as you know.
Cong. Ohhhh,yes.
And we aint seen no rain fer months,Lord.
Cong Ohhhh,yes.
So Lord, we is prayin' to you fer rain.
Cong. Ohhhh,yes.

The congregation disperse.
Monday, still a drought.
Tuesday,still nothing.
Wednesday, it starts to rain.
By Thursday, it's raining hard.
On Friday, it's falling down.
Come Saturday,it's frightening.
The congragation manage to get to church by boat.

The minister speaks.
Lord, we is a poor farming community.
Cong. Ohhhh yes
And we were suffering a drought, so we prayed lass week for rain. And Lord you sent us rain.






But this is RI----------DICULOUS !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 07:55 AM

He spent the next 20 years trying to get rid of the old one.

That just has to lead on to a Les Barker's poem:

I Don't Like My Boomerang

I don't like my boomerang.
I know what you're going to say:
If you hate your boomerang so much
Why don't you throw it away?
That's all very well in theory.
It may seem that simple to you.
Why don't you throw your boomerang away?
'Cos I threw it away yesterday too.

There are times when life is not easy.
There are days when the future looks black.
There are days when you throw your boomerang away.
There are days when your boomerang comes back.

I believe in predestination;
My boomerang's future is clear.
On the days that I throw my boomerang away
It's predestination's back here.
There are times it gets me down;
Perhaps I shouldn't let it.
What I can't understand is this:
How did I ever get it?

Sometimes, when in the front garden
I throw it, then hurry in doors.
Within half an hour, there's a ring on the bell
And a little boy says: "Is this yours?"
Once I got really angry.
I taped some dynamite to it,
And without really thinking things through,
I lit the fuse and I threw it.

With hindsight, this was an error.
We learn lessons from life; I was taught it
Is better to think before throwing your boomerang.
Never think after you've caught it.
I've resorted to desperate measures;
Sometimes when I throw the stick,
I try to move house before it comes back
But you can't get a mortgage that quick.

I had a Jack Russell terrier once;
I used to call him Jack.
I used to throw my boomerang for him.
The stick used to bring the dog back.
I've seen the sticker in car windows;
It gets me right here, like a knife:
A boomerang's not just for Christmas;
A boomerang is for life.

Recorded by Les Barker on 'Up the creek without a poodle'
(Mrs Ackroyd Records DOG 012)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 12:21 PM

A group of keyboards have started a letter writing campaign to ban the reading of Les Barker poems.

The Computer-Human Interface Devices Union, CHIDU, claim this habit leads daily to their members being assulted with hot tea and coffee, often requiring major surgery, a long period in therapy with a highly skilled computer fixer, and a full range of the expensive 'Will you work you stupid thing!!!' curses, if they are to ever work again.

Strikes have been promised if action is not taken, with widespread disrupti9n, wiTH FLYING PICKets by the caps-lock , the letter betwen 'n' and 'p' 9n hunger strike, and9nedayacti9nsbythespace bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 06:05 PM

Thanks,JennyO.
2 questions.
How do you come across such a record in the first place?Radio?Friend?Record looked intersesting?Read a review?Where?

Is such a record easy/possible to get hold of?



Another joke.

Two elderly gentlemen, strangers, sit on a park bench for some hours in silence.
Suddenly, one sighs,"Oh dear,oh dear,oh dear," at which point the other jumps to his feet saying,"If you're going to talk politics, I'm off !"

and a little bit from my favourite comedy LP.

"I come from a family of 14 children,




and it was all because my mother was hard of hearing.


I'll be glad to explain,






long as I'm not busy.





You see, every night, when it qwas time to retire, my father would say to my mother,"Do you want to go to sleep or what?", and she'd say,"What?".

Later in the act, he says,"I come from a tough neighbourhood, where we played hopscotch .............with real scotch; cops and robbers..........with real cops;and broadjumping........






with real jumps, a tough neighbourhood."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Dec 05 - 07:51 AM

Autolycus, if you follow this link to Les Barker's website, you will find a lot about the man, and his many books, CD's and videos, and how you can order them.

Even better would be to actually see him perform (an unforgettable experience, to be sure), and buy something there. I had the pleasure of hosting him at my folk club last April. He is incredibly funny, totally natural and with an air of innocence about him that is really charming. We took him to dinner afterwards, which allowed us to spend more time in his company. I wish it could have been longer - he is a real sweetie!

Jenny

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Dec 05 - 05:06 PM

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."


And the robot says... real slowly...

"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 11:04 AM

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."


"Who?"


"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."


"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.


"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."


"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.


"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.


"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.


"After he died, I married his wife."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 12:44 PM

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you
for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope. I know it's true; why else did the Post Office change
to self-stick stamps?

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send
packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens"
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive
cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only
answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time). I no longer have
any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

    WARNING: If you don't send this e-mail to at least
    144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon
    with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head
    at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur
    because it actually happened to a friend of my next-
    door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
    cousin's beautician's plumber.

Enjoy!!
G. ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 09:30 AM

Oh my God!

But nevertheless nice to hear from you again, Jock.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 12:42 PM

Did you hear the one about:-
The cannibal who passed his brother in the desert?
The cannibal who toasted his mother in law on her birthday?
The book about cannibals by Henrietta Mann?
The cannibal who went on a self catering holiday and ate his own leg?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 12:56 PM

Or the cannibal who ate a priest, a rabbi, and a Methodist preacher, and started an ecumenical movement?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: autolycus
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 03:34 PM

Or the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law and she still didn't agree with him?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 03:37 PM

Or the cannibal who wouldn't eat a comedian because he tasted funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 05:54 PM

Or the young cannibal who couldn't join in any games with the missionary's son because his mum had told him not to play with his food.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Splott Man
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 03:59 AM

Then there's the cannibal who played trumpet and formed a band with musoes who all liked exotic perfumes.

Cannibal & his jasmine.

(er...that joke only works in the UK)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 04:51 AM

I think you may be wrong about that pun working anywhere Splottie.
Giok ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 09:28 AM

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 07:13 AM

Top 11 reasons Dubya planned to bomb the al-Jazeera network

11. Wanted to send a message to CBS.

10. Ran out of anthrax.

9. Promised Rupert Murdock a lucrative, "no-bid" contract.

8. Al-Jazeera White House correspondent tried to ask a "follow-up" question.

7. It's only terrorism when it's done to us.

6. Attorney General advised that he couldn't torture the al-Jazeera staff.

5. Al-Jazeera website linked to a flash animation depicting Dubya as dim-witted.

4. "Philosophy of life" doesn't extend to journalists.

3. Thought he needed a diversion from the U.S. use of chemical weapons in Fallujah.

2. al-Jazeera ran colorized version of "It's a Wonderful Life."

1. Osama bin Laden wasn't there.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 11:27 AM

The doctor advises the young couple to limit their sexual activities to the days with an "R" only.
They endure for a while, but it is very hard for them ... until she asks: "Darling, isn't it Truesday tonight?"

(Runday, Mornday, Truesday, Rednesday)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 09:23 AM

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and
was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with
her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as
they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there
in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss
other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the
lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York
City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their
chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they
ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "When I caught my
breath, I called him Precious."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: breezy
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:21 PM

Hi Chaps

have you heard this one? apologies if you have


yesterday 21st Dec., saw the 1st gay marriages/civil unions in the U K




In honour of the newly announced gaymarriages Ikea, -self assembley furniture store - are now selling lesbian beds



there's no screwing involved,



its all tongue and groove!



bye

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 04:25 PM

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: Watermelon.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Wesley S
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 07:10 PM

And here I always thought the correct answer was bicycle.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 07:13 PM

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but I have no idea how they get in there.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 02:47 AM

What is flying through the air, rattling?


A sparrow in a chain mail

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 06 - 05:55 PM

"Bullseye Champion"

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender serves him and asks
him if he would like to try the bar game of darts.
Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a
dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart.
A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes
aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!!
Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able
to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before.
The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a
turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it
to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and
orders more drinks, then announces he would
like to try the dart game again. To the total
amazement and wonderment of all the local
drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and
demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and
a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give,
so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the
last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich
on a hard roll!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 06 - 05:57 PM

"Fowl Humor"

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got
lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way
out. He had not eaten anything during this period and
was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald
eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a
couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment,
and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man,
"I would like you to tell me something before I let you
go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on
it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross
between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Ronnie
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 12:05 AM

Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Does your jaw ache, dear reader?
Bwahahahhahahahaha!
Clams!
Poor Little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor Little Clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope Of Houston
Slack!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 10:59 AM

What the chuff have you been drinking !

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 11:55 AM

S[ch]naps? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 09:39 AM

Isn't it about time that this was replaced by the First Joke Thread for 2006?

W

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Wally Wentworth
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 04:56 PM

Amos Hosne had to take a lomg trip into the desert and his camel was not up to it.

He went to see Abu Bobert, the used camel trader. Abu Bobert sold him a camel garnteed to last 10 days with out water.

On the way back after 9 days the caamel dropped dead. Amos had to walk the rest of the way and barely made it alive.

He accosted Abu Bobert and demanded all his drachmas back. Abu said "did you brick him before you left?" Amos said "what the hell is bricking?" Bobert said "when you take your camel to the watering hole and let him drink his fill, you wait untill he just starts to lift his head up out of the water and you clap two bricks together on his gonads. The camel will go UUUUUUUUUUUNNNNHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! and suck up enough water to last that extra day."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: breezy
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 10:50 AM

just mind your thumbs

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The PA
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 08:18 AM

Two ladies on their way home from a night out have to stop for a pee in the grave yard. With no tissues in their pockets one decides to use her knickers and then throw them away, the other used a ribbon of a wreath on a nearby grave. The ladies do what they have to do and go on their way.

The next day the two husbands meet, one says to the other, 'they must have had a good time last night mine came home without her knickers'
The other replies,

"I'll say, mine had her knickers but there was a card inside reading,
with regards from all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 12:59 PM

Let's close this 2005 joke thread. I'll open the First Joke Thread for 2006 right now. See ya there!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 01:01 PM

I see that I'm late: Someone already opened it!   See ya there!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 04:26 PM

Wow! I stsrted a tradition!

(But then, I used to be in the SCA!)

First Joke thread for 2006