What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 11:12 PM

Refreshed as a Special Birthday Present to Art

July, 2008


Much Love from your biggest fan,


Spaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Dec 02 - 08:27 PM

too scared to buy them we just used ballons

---

Continued

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Helen
Date: 06 Dec 02 - 04:47 AM

refresh for the sake of this thread:



      BS: Portraying an 'Art Thieme' in calendar

but please post to part 2 of this thread rather than here - see Roger in Baltimore's link two posts up.

Helen

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Jun 99 - 12:33 PM

Well see RiB ol' budddy, there wasn't a blue clicky thing on #2 and I hated to give Will a bad example.

I also send my apologies to Square Deal, Square Shootin', Square Root Joe Offer, who discovered, on this very thread, a website for Dental Dams.

catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 20 Jun 99 - 11:47 AM

For all who read this, please note that Catspaw is emotional, impulsive and unstable. Otherwise, how to explain that he violated a direct ORDER from the esteemed Mudcat God, Joe Offer. (See the posting just before Catspaw's) Do not follow his example by continuing to post on this thread. There is a follow-up thread What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer II

I was also going to criticize Catspaw for the audacity of keeping this tasteless thread alive. However, I noticed the last posting on "Concom II" is my "refresher" post.

Your humble servant,

Big RiB

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Jun 99 - 08:45 AM

Just an example for Will on how to refresh a thread. He asked a sincere question and I am trying to be helpful......that's all. 'Course it is "Father's Day" and all.......................

catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Joe Offer
Date: 26 Jan 99 - 03:11 PM

Peter T. does not want to miss a single exciting message, so he has started a new thread and asks that we don't post any new messages here, lest we crash his browser.

Click here

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: ANNON Y MOUSE
Date: 27-Jan-99 - 05:28 AM

DID THIS PUT IT BACK ON TOP?

Well, yes it did, but this thread has gotten too big and we're trying to get people to use the new thread if they want to continue the discussion.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Jan 99 - 10:34 AM

I think that I shall never see,
A poem as bad as Kilmer's TREES.
So here I leave the rhyme-scheme of that horrid verse,
With hopes that never e're shall I be known to write
A poem that's any worse!

Art (no condom intended)

Art Thieme (pun intended)

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 11:27 PM

them abject apologies ain't what they usta be...methinks I detect a 'tiny' note of cynicism...

(oh, well, catspaw...maybe you can be forgiven just this once..)

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 11:17 PM

Ah Bill...may I humbly beg forgiveness. As I see so clearly now, this is not the place for my common, one minute limericks. No indeed. Obviously with such a high caliber and erudite audience, I assure you I will no longer go for the quick laugh. I promise future limericks with polish of both rhyme and meter. Once more I fervently pray you open your heart in charity to such an abject failure.

catspaw

Can anyone help me out with a rhyme for "Blow it straight out your ass?" **grin**

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: The Shambles
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 02:37 PM

Bill D

I liked very much the meter one.

Art

But as a native of West London, I still have not recovered from it's being rhymed with condom.

No more please!

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 12:45 PM

re:catspaws attempt at a limerick back there..it has a traditional rhyme scheme ok,

"Dan, feeling his sexuality peak,
Went to the WC, a condom to seek.
But when a coin it did miss
And fell in two inches of piss,
Says Dan,"Tis more disgusting than 'Bubble & Squeak'"

but...
There was an old gasman named Peter
With a match poked around a gas heater
Touched a leak with his light
And rose out of sight
And, as anyone even vaguely familar with the more subtle nuances of the art of poetry can tell you,...he also ruined the meter!

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Charlie Baum
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 04:10 AM

Some things have no "off" button: The song "99 bottles of beer on the wall" once it gets past the verse "minus three bottles of beer on the wall", investigations by the office of the special prosecutor (i.e., Kenneth Starr), and this thread.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 01:24 AM

Awfergawdsake...What is this? Some kind of prophylactic version of the "The Cat Came Back"?????? catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: gargoyle
Date: 24 Jan 99 - 01:05 AM

JOE: A "demon spawned child" is still the responsibility of the father

"Now if P over U be inverted
And the squre root of U be inserted
X time over P,
The result Q.E.D.
Is a relative," Einstein asserted.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Art Thieme
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 05:44 PM

It just dawned on me. (Dracula's last words.)

Mine too--in this thread anyhow.

Art

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Pete M
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 02:39 PM

Ummm Catspaw, - Kin-kyyyyyyy!!!!!!

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 01:48 PM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Back.....Back.....(crack of whip)BACK..BLAST YOU ..BACK!!!

Quick...Somebody get me a Wooden Stake & a mallet...BACK!!

GO AWAY....Lemme' Alone!!! ..AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH...BACK DAMN YOU ...BACK!!!!

WHERE'S THAT FREAKIN' STAKE????

catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Big Mick
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 11:43 AM

Good night, Gracie.

Subject: indeed it doesn't
From:
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 10:28 AM

a machine beside a 'loo'in the Glasgow (Scotland) bus station sells "McCondoms" - Scoth (whisky) flavoured!

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 09:43 AM

It just won't lie down and die will it?

(I suppose this post doesn't help....)

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 09:15 AM

See, Art. Your concom thread got out of hand.

Roger in Baltimore

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Bert
Date: 21 Jan 99 - 08:39 AM

Sorry Art, but I just remembered this one.

To the tune of Villikins and his Dinah (So it must be folk)

Oh Father, Oh Father, I've come to confess
I've left a dear damsel in deepest distress,
Her clothes are all ragged and tattered and torn
and there's something inside her about to be born.

Oh Son, Oh Son, you should have known better
for when I was your age I used a French Letter.
Oh Father, Oh Father, Oh don't be unjust
I used a French Letter, but the bloody thing bust.

Bert.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Art Thieme
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 11:26 PM

OK----As the one who started this thread to polarize everyone, I now declare it to be a HUGE SUCCESS and OFFICIALLY CLOSED!!!!!!!!

NOW, it's up to us to make this work better than a Kosovo truce.

There---it's over...

Art

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Duane D.
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 11:14 PM

Re: Sheye A few years back I worked one summer with a guy from across the pond in England and he once told me some common usage for penis on his side of the pond. One is "python" and another is "dragon." Hence, when a man needs to relieve himself, he says, "I have to syphon the python" or "I have to drain the dragon."

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Alice
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 10:40 PM

Here is my one contribution to this thread. It could just as well go with all the other jokes I added to the 'cheering up' thread. Maybe you have heard this one. -----------

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.The boy insists on the family pack, he explains to the pharmacist that he is expecting to have a big night with his girlfriend tonight. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."… … The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."…

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 10:05 PM

Well, just to be truthful with you Frank, I'm tired of it too. But see, I was tired of all those other boilerplate info threads and this one reached a point where I thought maybe I could nurse it to over 150 posts which was the highest on any of the others. Just thought it'd be funny to have this one get the most response when it's real function was to put an end to the pattern.

But doncha' have to admit that this thing has taken on a life of it's own? And dang if it ain't educational!!! We got close but I do fear it's about to P-O some otherwise nice folks...and I don't want to do that. Also, if I were Max, I'd ask if any of us would mind dumping this whole thing to save a little space in the forum...not exactly needed for posterity.

Damn, it has been fun though!!!!!!! and a thanks to all the other 'Catters for the education!!!

catspaw PS: Joe, I think your wife needs to see the teacher's comments from Dani above. EDUCATIONAL MATERIAL

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Frank McGrath
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 08:13 PM

Big Mick,
Thanks for the honour you bestowed by singing "First Johnny" and I'm delighted you are still a free man.

BUT, unfortunately the Mudcat seems to be imprisoned in this Latex Levenworth, CONDOMned by a Thieme Thread of vulcanised vocabulary.

Will we ever escape unsheathed from this streeeeeeetching story to stand unfettered by repetitive rubberised rhetoric? Will Dick Dental Dam this dire deluge of Durexing dialogue?

And to think it all started with -
“I'm just curious...”

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Bert
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 04:07 PM

I'm sorry to hear that Webster says you can say 'penises'.
I'ts a case of ignorance becoming the norm.
Soon, momentarily will mean soon.

Bert.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Dani
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 02:03 PM

Alright. My mother taught me never to get into a conversation like this, but I held off for this long and HAD TO KNOW what inspired so many posts. It's no credit to me that I was sure y'all had strayed off the topic.

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT. I can never compliment my neighbor's peonies again with a straight face. My Webster's says you can cheat and use 'penises', but that would take all the fun out of it,wouldn't it.

Occasionally I teach a vocabulary course for high school-age students. The word 'euphemism' is sometimes tough to get across without some good examples. Thanks for the fodder.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 12:02 PM

Sheye, You need to check back on the thread to our erudite friend Bert who was so good as to help me with my vocabulary. I mean he knows things like "telescopic,hirsute, copulatory appendage" too. I think "penes" came up just before that. Very educational thread. You probably need to stay out of the coffee room for awhile.catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Sheye
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 11:39 AM

...and this just in...

President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien. Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton. "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that,Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Sheye
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 10:54 AM

This just keeps getting better. Love your story, Mick, even the new, improved version! I am trying to get my head around the imagery of standing in two inches of water in front of a condom machine. Quoi?

I was reading this thread and walked into the coffee room. Asked my fellow workers if their plural to penis was penises or penes. The responses were:

- silence - I don't even want to know how that came up. - Where do you go at night? - Who needs more than one anyway?

I once dated a guy who referred to his as The Snake. At least one of them was honest about their demeanor!

Sheye

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 10:51 AM

Yeah Art..that's uh...uh...nice,uh......er,yea,..new rhyming pattern...sure,cool.....Awferchrissakes...Look Art, both of us are probably a few jingles shy of a tambourine... but that was just awful. New rhyming scheme...yeah, right. Lemme' take a shot....

Dan, feeling his sexuality peak,
Went to the WC, a condom to seek.
But when a coin it did miss
And fell in two inches of piss,
Says Dan,"Tis more disgusting than 'Bubble & Squeak'"

Not great either but at least it is a traditional rhyming scheme. catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: ArtThieme
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 10:10 AM

Dan, so turned on in need of a comdom, Bangs on the machine in West London, His biceps so muscular, Do damage corpuscular, And condoms rain down like snow.

(note new ryme scheme)

Art

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Big Mick
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 08:58 AM

LMAO, LOL, holding my sides with tears rolling down my face. I knew when I told the story, I would not get away unscathed. Let Liam know that in the grand Irish tradition, he can tell any story he wants, and I will swear to it.

All the best,

Mick

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Liam's Brother
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 08:45 AM

First of all, I like the ones with the red race cars on the packet. You can find them in the men's toilet in most pubs in the UK. There are, though, typically 4 problems in purchasing them there:
1) The odds are at least 50/50 that the machine will take your money and give you nothing in return
2) Buying things like this is a men's room is a great way to meet blokes and, if that's not your thing, it could be embarrassing for the other party
3) I always seem to be standing in at least 2 inches of water when I do this and at least 1 coin always seems to slip from my fingers
4) The machine is usually placed right next to the door and I get smacked by it at least 5 times during the transaction as intoxicated patrons enter the WC.

Second, and this for Big Mick who wrote above on 18JAN at 8:54PM about he and Liam being in a pub together, I have checked with Liam, Mick, and he tells me that the incident you describe did not happen that way at all. He left with the young lady! All the best,
Dan

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 20 Jan 99 - 04:52 AM

My husband likes to refer to his 'pork sword'. Unfortunately I usually get it wrong and call it a 'pork sausage'. Quite the wrong imagery I'm afraid.

My daughter calls hers a 'winkie', and then got very confused when a little boy assured her that girls don't have winkies.

I remain silent on the subject of mine...

Kris

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Big Mick
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 09:49 PM

Big Catspaw,
I have never used "penes" in my life. But I learn so much here. Where the hell else would I learn a song like McGrath's.

Frank,
speaking of your song, I did indeed do it in a small group after the performance. I just sang it to a tune that I made up to fit. The guys and gals just roared. I, of course had to help them with vernacular a bit. They absolutely roared. I got the distinct impression that I may have to do this more. I had one advantage though, my dear friend. I had just finished doing a benefit for a slain State Trooper. Wasn't much chance of me landing in the pokey. When next I am in Ireland, I will pay you your "royalties" in Uncle Arthur's and songs.

Mick

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 09:39 PM

Damn, maybe we DO need a thread on this! Big Ed?

No, the first thing said will be, "I don't have Privates, I have Generals." Yeah, I think we need to pass on that thread idea...bu,uh...Big Ed? Sounds in need of a limerick...but I'll pass on that too...as Bert says, they aren't in the DT. On the other hand, or maybe I should say arm, with very little modification, limericks can be sung to "She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain."

One more thing there Mick, congrats on using new vocabulary...or have you always said "penes?" I used to get my new vocabulary from Reader's Digest, but this is better.

Joe ... If you're checking in, tell your wife how educational this thread really is!!!

catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Big Mick
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 08:54 PM

Once I was in the pub with my buddy Liam and a young fella who had just started working for us. At the time Liam and I were about 40 and the young man, a new Union Rep, about 28 or so, was putting the moves on this young one who sat down with us. Liam and I were just sitting there, amazed at the line of blarney and being done with a straight face and all. We were rapt with attention, enjoying the joust. Several jars of Uncle Arthur's finest later, the young fella was still going(the young woman was humoring him), when he asked her, straight faced and trying his best to be a sensitive man of the '90's, "Have you ever noticed how men give cutesy little names to their penes? I looked at Liam and he looked at me, and I said "I don't think Big Ed is such a cutesy little name" and Liam shot back "I call mine Sgt. Steiner, please kiss his helmet". Needless to say, we kind of messed up his line, the young woman started laughing and walked away a few minutes later. This young man has never forgiven us.

Only on the Mudcat would I tell this. And I don't have a clue why. hahahahahah

Mick

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Pete M
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 03:39 PM

Can't compete with Art and Catspaw, but I remember being told about a Nun who was nonplussed when a young member of the class asked what a condom was. She prevaricated and at the next break hurried of to ask the Father's advice. "Oh thats no problem," he replied "just tell him they are a type of protective covering worn by protestants on every concievable occasion."

Pete M

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 03:32 PM

LOL catspaw,

Unfortunately Dick doesn't collect Limericks in DT.

Bert.

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 03:21 PM

Remove camo-condoms from your list of "shoulds,"
'Cause I'm telling you, they ARE the real goods.
I used one last night
And it gave me a fright.
My Willie went off and hid in the woods!

Five Penes? There's a nice tidy sum.
But Art,"fits like a glove?" that's just dumb!
If he came with great force
He'd have much remorse,
When they backfired and blew off his bum!

catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 02:13 PM

Well, My local Army-Navy store is selling camo condoms (with the slogan,"Don't let them see you coming"

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Mo
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 11:51 AM

Looks like Catspaw was right about Art slipping another couple in (Oooh,Er, missus!). Who needs tv comedians when there is the Art 'n' Frank I.T.S. Show!!

Friend of mine's kid, who has been brought up the modern way and knows about sex and the importance of condoms by the age of 10, nevertheless rendered his parents speechless by asking "But Why do you get flavoured ones?". "Over to you dear" murmured the father, as he headed out the door at high speed!

Cheers, Mo

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Art Thieme
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 10:28 AM

Two old ladies waiting for a bus in the rain. One wants a cigarette and lights it beind her hand and puts a condom over it to keep it dry. "That's amazing," says the other woman. "What do you call that & where can I get one?" "You can buy 'em at the pharmacy."

The second woman goes right to the drug store and announces to the sales person that she wants some condoms! The salesperson is rather amazed at the age of the person wanting that item. He askes her, "What kind do you want?" The answer? "Just give me one that'll fit a Camel!"

Art (via an old friend in Texas who must be checking in here at Mudcat & notied our thread. Was sent by E-mail this morning.)

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 10:15 AM

Bert, Good story...I love the way we cannot bring ourselves to simplify the language, for whatever reason...Political Correctness, good taste (what is that?), social status (who cares),etc.

I'm reasonably sure that Karen and I are not the only parents who went through the "Great Penis Naming Game." We settled on "HOOZSHEE"...and don't even ask! I held out for "dick" for a long time, but to no avail. Gee, this could be a new thread in keeping with the rash of these personal info threads lately. "What do Mudcatters call their Genitalia?" No, better not. catspaw

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Big Mick
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 10:15 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........Just read my buddy, Frank i.t.s description of himself. Don't know how I missed it before. "Scoring with the chicks" has a whole different meaning with you, eh Frank?

All the best,

Mick Lane

Subject: RE: What brand condoms do Mudcatters prefer.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Jan 99 - 08:39 AM

Catspaw,

Loved your story of the college class.
Kinda reminds me of a book on entomology I once read. They said that this particular insect (can't remember what it was) had a 'telescopic, hirsute copulatory appendage'
I guess they just couldn't bring themselves to write 'big hairy dick'

Bert.