Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-

Subject: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: GUEST,best heckle> best response
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 08:12 AM

well, i'd like to hear peoples quotes of heckles, there are some very quick witted funny people who yell stuff at you whilst you play, don't you ever yell back?

You at a small pub in a country town in Aussie pub Nimbin or busking on the Streets of Byron Bay (see****) anyhows, It's famous heckles, the crowd loves you or hates you, either way, they love music.

heckle:------------------Response...
Play something we know....shut up, listen and you'll hear it, as the band launches in to a 11/8 prog rock tune.

Punter 1: jumps on the mic, hustles the bass player: you guys are fu**ed! i am going to run you out of town!
Punter two 2: I love you guys, can i buy you a drink of top shelf?
drummer:what the? bass player: Vodka please?

Random horn players who play inbetween songs, frustrating.

good horn plays who rock up just becuase you are in town? nice.

The travellers the adventures: Giving lift to a very drunk and creative aboriginal man who lit a fire by the road to attract a car :-) way cool! his 16 17? daughter was bout to have her 2nd child? and lots other scary things, poor man had lost his wallet.

the strange poeple you meet, everywhere come from all over the world and australia. At the end of the gig they hang out in the st.


****the crowd is famous for great one liners and the town for stange things happing.
like> a couch being thrown from a balcony on the road, a brawl of 40+ people, other very bizzare things..
Friday night 'The Driftwoods' out the front of the great northern Byron Bay Australia, original, Influenced, northcoast Aus music.
Busking is a funny thing.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 08:27 AM

Heckle... Is that your own mouth or are you running it in for an idiot?
Reply...Yes mate, when would you like it?

Giok

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: JulieF
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:08 AM

Sat with a friend at St Pats event. Lots and lots of kids running around and doing the things kids do

He's playing the fiddle stops and says 'There's some one crying'

I say - 'If you stopped everytime someone cried you would never get anywhere'

one day I will use that one again.

J

and that was the day that the audience cried when I sang but that's another story.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:11 AM

Doc Watson's ranks way up there. In response to a noisy person in the audience, Doc said, "It's OK son. I remember the night I had my first beer."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:27 AM

Heckle: You suck!
Response: You swallow.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:28 AM

Good all-purpose response: I'm glad I'M not an asshole.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:29 AM

Always remember... YOU have the mike.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:34 AM

Another all purpose response.

And which village are you the idiot of?

G☺

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: mandotim
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 11:34 AM

Heckle: 'You sound like Hendrix playing the ukulele!!!'
Response: (In broad Lancashire accent) 'Turned out purple again!'

Response to a noisy, incoherent drunk; 'Lets have a bit of respect folks, we have a medical miracle in here tonight; let's hear it for the worlds only surviving brain transplant donor...'

Response to someone persistently requesting 'play a Dylan song' in a session; each performer plays their favourite Dylan song, simultaneously. (Scary thing is, it still sounds like a Dylan song!)
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: GUEST,Frug
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 01:32 PM

General response to hecklers.........
"hey you ought to get a manager instead of sitting there handling yourself"

Frank

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: patriot1314
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 02:02 PM

Gordon Menzies of Gaberlunzie.....
"I refuse to enter a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: alanabit
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 02:32 PM

"His brain will last forever, it's preserved in alcohol".
To a young heckler:
"Quiet son, you'll have to work too when you grow up."
"That's what happens when you store strong beer in a weak head."
"Ah, every ass likes to feel he can bray the loudest."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: Bo
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 03:50 PM

In response to a fair amount of chatting at the back of the room I heard the performer tell the couple that he would follow them home and talk while they were performing.
It may be an old chestnut but it made the whole room laugh and did embarrass the couple enough for them to leave soon after.
If it works.....use it!

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Dave Masterson
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 04:00 PM

I like the Derek Brimstone direct approach - one night at the Coach House Farningham many moons ago, to a woman at the bar more interested in the sound of her own voice than his. "OI,

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Dave Masterson
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 04:02 PM

Aargh!! clicked the wrong button. Where was I..

I like the Derek Brimstone direct approach - one night at the Coach House Farningham many moons ago, to a woman at the bar more interested in the sound of her own voice than his. "OI, you in the red dress, SHUT UP!"

Another old chestnut - "Can you hear me at the back? Cos I can hear you!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Joybell
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 05:32 PM

I usually work close to people so most comments worth repeating are along the lines of strange questions and silly statements. A few of my favourites:

Lady: Do you sing any low songs? (I'm a soprano)
Me: Yes but I sing them in a very high voice.
                              ***********

Man: Could you sing a song for my wife's birthday. One with her name in it? It's Marilyn.
Me: (fronting up to his table) Happy birthday to you
                               Happy birthday to you
                               Happy birthday Dear Marilyn
                               Happy birthday to you.
                            ****************

Lady: You have a lovely voice, what are you doing with it?
Me: Shhh! I stole it from "....." (name of a current popular singer).
                      ****************

Lady: Are you trained?
Me: Yes indeed! They give me my own kitty-litter box here. It's over there in the corner.
                     
                Cheers, Joy

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 05:39 PM

I believe it was Laurence Olivier who was appearing as Richard III and calling out the famous line "A Horse! My Kingdom for a horse!" Immediately after, someone in the audience gets scattered laughter with "HEE HAWWWW!" and Olivier, never skipping a beat, points to the heckler and improvizes "if no horse is available, yon Braying Ass will do!", bringing down the house.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: GUEST,ALBA
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 09:21 PM

Billy Connolly to some idiot who was shouting out requests, "Look; don't tell me how to do my job and I won't come to your work and tell you how to sweep up!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 05 - 09:29 PM

Dick Glass in response to a rude remark from a person in the audience took the microphone which had been angled down and stood it straight up. His remark? "This is for you."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: alanabit
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 02:09 AM

Not politically correct these days, and I have no idea of who said it:
"Madam be quiet. I have only two hours to make my living. You have all night to make yours!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 03:12 AM

A couple of friends went to see Alberto Y Los Trios Paranoias at nottingham Uni in the late seventies. Rat Scabies, drummer with The Damned, was in the audience, and heckling.

The vocalist (whose name escapes me for the nonce) stopped, and asked for a light to be shone on said drummer.

"This, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of a wanker!"

Alternatively, Elton John was apparently performing in front of an audience which included Prince Andrew, who was, it seems, heckling. EJ looks at the Prince, and said "You, Sir, may be a Prince, but I am a Queen!"

epn

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Charmion
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 09:35 AM

The late, great Stan Rogers, playing at a rather nasty club in Ottawa in August 1981, to a businessman loudly anecdoting through "Lies":

"Sir, sir -- Yes, you sir. First time on the planet, sir?"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Teribus
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 10:13 AM

Max Normal, a very good street entertainer, being given a really hard time from a drunk, while working what was a very good crowd:

"Damn pity that you're Dad didn't settled for that blow-job"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Mr Fox
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 10:26 AM

Audience member: "Can you sing far away?"

Bad floor singer: "I don't know that one"

AM: Far away from HERE, I meant. Bugger off!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 10:40 AM

During a performance one evening, comedian Billy Connolly was interrupted by an obnoxious heckler.

Fortunately, Connolly had a ready reply:

"When they put teeth in your mouth they spoiled a perfectly good ass!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 12:54 PM

"Excuse me Sir/madam, but the objective of heckling is to make ME look stupid!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: Folkiedave
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 01:04 PM

Another Connolly one - Last time I saw a mouth like that Lester Piggott was behind it.

Dave

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: Bainbo
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 03:26 PM

Hartlepool folk club, some time in the 80s
Floor singer: "This is a song about a man who's been working on the land for 50 years."
Voice from the back: "He must have had a bloody big Thermos."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: kendall
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 03:33 PM

Jud Strunk was being heckled by a drunken woman. Finally, he stopped and said to her "Look lady, give me a break. I wouldn't pull the mattress out from under you while you were working."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Tyke
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 07:32 PM

If I am the heckler it's always intended to enhance the evening or to get my own back! Honest! About 10 years ago I was about to sing a song on one of the special nights that the Baca Pipes Folk Club has had in celebration Jenny Scot's long reign as long suffering and dedicated club organizer. At her 30th year I started by trying to give a short introduction to my song. When Jenny herself, who was MC and trying to give everyone a song, the Club was packed out with singers, who had come along to wish her well heckled me thinking I was going to tell a Joke! Before I had said one word. Jenny said, "No Jokes just sing," I replied, "It's no Joke watching your whole life pass before my eyes I can tell you!"

At another I engaged a member of the audience in my act (Act!) he was rudely walking between me and the rest of the audience carrying a fresh pint to his seat. It was pint of IPA and looked more like Larger so I said, "I did not think you would be a larger drinker". "No no" he replied it's a new bitter that the Landlords got in he said proudly "!
"Is it that recycled stuff?" I said.

Heckling in my honest opinion when appropriate add quite a lot to an evening. But timing is everything. After all it might be just a night out for you but the guest is trying to earn a crust. Leave your mobile phone on and risk a table visit during my song if it goes off and you start talking on it! Point your mobile at me so that the person at the other end can listen and I'll use it as a microphone.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 08:54 PM

Love inuendo....it is best when the audience laughs....and the heckler is clue-less.

JIBES are so impromptue - and dependent upon the IMMEDIATE (fractional seonds) that I cannot recall "gag-lines" that will work.

There is a spontanity and rapoire' you must work out with each, individual audience....(but for some strange reason...different people in the same venue seem to draw the same responces.)

If you are not naturally "vulgar, rude, crude, lewd" (and most I,IV,V er's are not) you will need several weeks immersion in the "bawdy threads" area of the DT to develope the talent.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

A well "strapped Barbor's Razor slash" above the gonads .... can leave the hapless heckler wondering why there are two red marbles on the bar-room floor."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 23 Nov 05 - 08:56 PM

Nice job "GUEST"!!! -

An understanding of diction - can sometimes place

B.S.

"above the line."

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 01:56 AM

Frustrated open stage performer:

"Why don't you save your breath for your blow-up date?!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 04:22 AM

My favourite heckle, reserved for friends and used sparingly so as not to lose its punch:
    " Do you know any good songs?"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 05:51 AM

Tony Capstick, looking very meaningfully at a chattering fool in the audience said very meditatively, just think about that.....they can put a man on the moon......

Nick Fenwick (Geordie teacher in Brum who I think was at one time with Mad Jocks) was a great one with repartee. Wonderfully aggressive style....anybody remember his stuff?

A Derek Brimstone one - Oi! you can't talk in a folk club.... Sorry,it's simply not allowed...I mean, it's desecrating the aura of awe and silence in a sepulchre of culture .....why, it's like farting in church.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Malachy
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 06:59 PM

W/ldrummer, I do remember Nick Fenwick. Lived in the flat above a friend of mine in Edgbaston, Bham, late 70's . Great bloke, player, singer..and razor sharp wit.
Mal

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: alanabit
Date: 25 Nov 05 - 04:16 AM

Nick Fenwick played our club in the seventies. I wonder what happened to him.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Rasener
Date: 25 Nov 05 - 04:45 AM

Went to a company strip do back in the seventies.

This bloke kept on heckling and giving the stripper a hard time. He kept on constantly shouting "Get em off"

She stopped and walked up to him and in a very loud voice said

"If your dick is as big as your mouth, you can have it off with me tonight"

At that she opened his trousers pulled his pants away from his stomach, picked up his pint and poured his pint down him. She then calmly fastened his trousers up again. She went back and carried on.

That bloke never lived it down. I can still remember everybody walking by him at work the next week saying things like "hello big boy"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Gurney
Date: 26 Nov 05 - 02:09 AM

Pete was singing, Dave was talking at the bar:

"Dave!" "What?" "Shut up!" "So is mine! Do you think it's the weather?" (Audience roars) Pete, with wry grin "Spoken like a true professional.... your mother."

(Frank) Heckle heckle...   Me: "Frank! I always thought you were a wit, and now I find I'm only half right!"

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: alanabit
Date: 26 Nov 05 - 04:58 AM

The Villan:
I heard a similar story about a heckler during a sexy number. The young lady stopped the music and looked purposefully at the young man: "That's the difference between the boys and the men. The boys want to see what's underneath. The men know..."

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Nov 05 - 06:06 AM

An after-dinner comedian at a black tie do responded to a heckler with a curious stare and asked "Who cut your hair?" followed up a little later with "I'd ask for my money back if I were you"

The heckler then became the butt of all his jokes throughout the act.


DC

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: GUEST,Andy
Date: 26 Nov 05 - 10:48 AM

From a club compere to a drunk heckler, in the 60's
'Stand against the wall son, that's plastered too!

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Nov 05 - 03:14 PM

Another Billy Connolly one - 'Talkin' tae you is like washing a hankie!'

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: GUEST,Grez
Date: 19 Oct 06 - 12:05 PM

Nick Fenwick was a fine one for one line put-downs.

"I've seen your shirt on Telly........... Interference"

"Don't go drinking on an empty head."

"Don't heckle me, I'm a professional..... like your mother."

Were three of his which I'm still using!

(Smart bloke and great guitarist too!)

If you read this, Nick - RESPECT!

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Oct 06 - 10:31 AM

Adam, of Gog Magog Molly.

Adam 'we're about to do what we do best!'

Audience 'Drinking? Trouble making?' etc

Adam 'We're about to do what we do 5th best, and dance'

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Oct 06 - 12:04 PM

Famous anecdote of John Barrymore, who considered audience as at best a necessary evil. He loathed having them make any sound (except thunderous applause at the right places.)

There was a lot of flu going around one winter in New York, and Barrymore was performing in one of the Shakespear history plays. Lots of coughing, at various places in the audience.

At the beginning of a new act about half way through the play, Barrymore entered, wrapped in a voluminous cloak. The coughing resumed.

He opened his cloak and withdrew a large, fresh haddock, and with a sweep of his arm slung it out into the audience. "There! Chew on THAT for a while, you damned walruses!"

Beat that one, if you can!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 20 Oct 06 - 01:07 PM

It's horrible to be in the audience and have that cough. I was at the opera one time, and the cough from flu came back. I wanted to trade with a woman on the end seat so I could get up and go out when I felt it coming on. I was three seats in from the aisle--no big deal, but she wouldn't do it. I guess she preferred to hear me cough? In the end I missed a lot of the opera, standing out in the hall, beause I feared a knife in my back if I didn't get out of there.

SRS

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Cats
Date: 21 Oct 06 - 05:32 AM

When I worked in theatre we had Oh Calcutta in and the same guy booked the same seat for a whole week ~ middle front row. After the second night of him flashing to the cast and heckling, one of the cast stopped, walked over and looked down at him. Calling the rest of the cast over she just said, 'Come and look at this, it's like a willy but smaller!'

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Mark Ross
Date: 21 Oct 06 - 10:54 AM

"Hey lady, do I come and bust your red light bulb when you're working?"

Mark Ross

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: The Sandman
Date: 21 Oct 06 - 04:04 PM

I was performing in apub in IRELAND ,And a tourist asked me did I know The Wild Rover,Ireplied I do I do , I met him Only this morning and he had a bad hangover.Dick Miles

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: The Sandman
Date: 21 Oct 06 - 04:13 PM

when they circumcised you they threw away the wrong bit.

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: oggie
Date: 21 Oct 06 - 05:11 PM

Many years ago I was introducing a song about transportation and made the gag about Aussies walking with a limp, 'It's the ancestal ball and chain'. At which point a six foot seven bloke unwound himself from his chair, walked up to me, lifted me up the lapels and said 'We'll have no more cracks like that you pommie b******d' and dropped me down again. Strangely enough I couldn't think of a witty rejoinder!

All the best

oggie

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Oct 06 - 03:06 AM

perhaps.... Sometimes They Come Back......

I liked the Arnold brown one, Am I hearing the long term effects of Junior Aspirin, maybe?

Subject: RE: Folklore: best Audienc Heckle, best performer res-
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Oct 06 - 03:23 AM

The best sort of heckler is one who can stand being the butt of jokes for the rest of the evening.... which is why Les Barker and I get along so well.... he's picked on me more times than I care to mention.... must be love! But I taught him not to do 'Captain Indecisive' and 'Jason and the Arguments' in the same set...

LB - We're Jason and the Arguments
Audience - No we're not!
LB - Yes we are!
Audience - No we're not!
LB - Yes we are!
LTS - Errrrrrrrrrrm....

Collapse of many stout parties into their beer and orange squash.

LTS