BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)

Subject: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:21 PM

It's that time of year again. . .

Sage was out in the yard this weekend, smelling the smoke from grass fires in the county as they're fanned by high winds and remembering the time MMario's aurouch barbecue got a little out of control outside the South Door* (the Oz entrance) of the Tavern and burned a swath all the way down to the beach. Nearly scorched the squid on his way up for a visit, he did. Calamari on the hoof it would have been.

Getting out a broom, she pushes twigs, sand, grass, and an opportunistic pack rat's nest out of the front door. Finding a shovel and bucket she clears out the ashes from the last fire and dumps it into the compost pile out back. Rubber gloves and a heavy-duty sponge are then used to attack the bar and the stove top behind it.

Finally, she fills a large pot with apple cider and sets it on a low flame with a generous handful of mulling spices floating on top.

The tavern's open! Come on in!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnu
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:27 PM

My, my, my... that smells delightful. Please, keep, an ale whilst the spices perform their magic.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:29 PM

That time of year already? (Only 27 shoppping days until Christmas! 0r Hannakuh for that matter!)

Hmmmmmmmmm - Italian tradition says seven kinds of seafood for Xmas Eve; but that might upset the squid, I'd hate to serve a relative of his. This year's menu may take some careful planning - I may even ask the freds to deliver something from other-space...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:32 PM

What kind of ale is in stock around here? Is it in the fridge or in a cupboard (warm)?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:39 PM

Oooo any mulled wine at the bar?? I'll have one!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:44 PM

Thank God! A Tavern-- just what was needed! (I thought some of you ladies were going to slash one another's throats there for a bit!)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnu
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 01:48 PM

Why, I am quite sure there would be at least some Turkey Turd Beer left. I'll look outside near the garbage bin... not likely the sanitation department would have accepted it.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 05:22 PM

Don't trip over my dogs out there on the back porch, and look out for the spotted one--she likes to jump and lick your face.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 05:23 PM

Got a couple of bars of chocolate here... anyone fancy a fondue?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Candy
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 05:47 PM

I'd love a babycham boys.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 07:17 PM

I'd like a Polygamy Porter, por favor. And my smallsword came today.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: open mike
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 07:51 PM

oh oh armed and dangerous.
please check you weapons at the door..
no sharp words, either please,
and as the pen is mightier than
the sword, please leave them
in the cloak room, too.

then we can proceed to enjoy
each other's company, and with
oral or aural tradition
can commence to share stories
songs and poems of by gone
days and the present..and
future?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 09:29 PM

Is there anyone over in the Mudcat Recovery Ward these days who'd like to wheel or stroll in through that hall closet? I'm not talking about Nurse Ratched!

Maybe Katlaughing has been hanging out in there a trifle too long after her surgery?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: open mike
Date: 28 Nov 05 - 11:27 PM

well if kat comes i hope she brings peaches!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 08:35 AM

I dug the fondue pot out of the cupboard Liz, hope you don't mind that it is "sixties" avacado green - really doesn't go withh the rest of the decor - but it works a treat!

Do you prefer fruit, or sponge cake for dipping with chocolate fondue - or my favorite, dip more chocolate!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 08:52 AM

The Punkoid noted the open door, and the warm, comforting smell of beer and food gently wafting its way out of it. Carefully avoiding an extremely upset bunch of Pack Rats looking for a new home, he sidled over to the door, and peered in.

Mmmmm - chocolate (carefully impersonating Homer) - and lots of beer too! Hey, there's celery in that chocolate! Wow! Now, can I get near enough the fire this year?

Quietly, to avoid too much attention, the Punkoid snuck into the bar. He crept over to the fire, and warmed himself for a few minutes. Then, with little respect for the gentle discussion of chocolate in the background, he yelled...

Hey, Bartender - how does a guy get a beer round here!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 09:02 AM

Geez, you could bring a bazooka in and it'd be safe. Things like that simply don't work for what they were intended for in here -- a bazooka might blow bubbles or squirt water, but it certainly wouldn't work like it was intended to. The very idea!

I'm going to use the sword for roasting weenies and toasting marshmallows for s'mores (with dark chocolate); that way you can relive your childhood camping experiences (chocolate covered clothes, sticky hands, upset tummies, fear of the one-armed lumberjack who slaughtered a whole family up on Spook Mountain and who still roams these woods...). So anyway, if someone would be kind enough to bring me another Polygamy Porter, I'll get this fire started.

(You'd think that they'd let me use the fireplace, but noooooooooo, they're all drinking and singing over there, so I'll just start the ol' campfire right here. These drapes will make a neat-o background to the flames, too.)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Essex Girl
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 09:13 AM

I've dusted off the quart pot (you are supposed to drink mulled wine out of a quart pot aren't you?) and bought a bag of marshmallows for the fondue. Some amaretto biscuits would go down well.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 09:21 AM

el punkoid - you've been in here before; you KNOW the bartender is whoever is closest to the tap, and at the moemnt that's *YOU*! So get rapaire his Polygamy Porter will you? I'd just like a pint of Ol' Peculier with a chaser of drambuie.

Hey Rapaire - sure, bazookas don't work in here the way they normally would - but on the other hand seemingly innocent objects can be deadly! Remember the Christmas tree a couple years ago? Or what about that bowl of Guacomole that tried to eat Cleigh?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: artbrooks
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 09:29 AM

Isn't Polygamy Porter 3.2% Utah beer? Tastes good, though...and they do a COOL t-shirt! Time machine workin'? Give me a Ballard Bitter, please.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 11:36 AM

Time to set up a grill out back for the salmon. But I'd better lock the dogs up in the pickup camper shell first. No telling what they'll do once these cats and ducks and the squid start turning up. They've already chased the packrats under the back porch.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 12:24 PM

No, it's real beer, not that 3.2 peewater. And I like the slogans:

"Bring some home for the wives" and "When one is not enough".

There's also Provo Girl.

And...believe it or don't...there's a distillery opening in Salt Lake City! Yes!

Stand And Deliver...Talisker, please! Thank you.










Dang, I didn't think those drapes were flammable. Shucks, I guess it'll be a vertical weenie roast.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 02:48 PM

You'd better get a strainer and fish all of that charred cloth out of the jello pit. Fast thinking on the part of that duck to knock the rod down to topple into the pit.

I hear some scraping sounds outside--sounds like someone is dragging a tree this direction.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Morticia
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 03:15 PM

well, I found this tree, just at the back of Trafalgar Square......didn't think anyone would miss it.

Erm.....is it me, or have the ceilings got lower in here?

Bugger......someone give me a large Aberlour, then I'll think about taking it back.....course, we'll have to detach those cats first.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 03:37 PM

don't cut the tree - we'll just raise the roof! (a nice feature of a virtual Tavern - it responds to figures of speech) - all together now - a rousing verse of "Good King Wenceslaus" should give us a bit more space under the cieling.

dum de dum de dum de dum - ready?

Good King Wenceslaus looked out...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 03:47 PM

'pon his feets uneven,
Whilst the snoo lay round about
Cold and wet and heavin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 03:49 PM

Deck us all with Boston Charlie
Walla Walla Wash and Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezing on the trolley
Lullabye, lillabye, Louisville Lou!

Don't we know archaic barrel....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 03:56 PM

Gives the jello that smokey taste....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 03:58 PM

The Punkoid finished pouring beers for rapaire and MMario, and handed a bottle of Aberlour to Morti.

Hey guys - I don't know whose card it's on this year, but there's only one thing for Morti to put in that glass of Aberlour... the rest of the bottle! Hellfire - I'm glad it ain't my plastic!

Picking up a pint of his beloved Fighting Cock (that's Bourbon, just for a change), the Punkoid resumed his place by the fire.

Good King Wenceslas got p****d
On the feast of Stephen.
Says we Sir, two lights you've missed
Into this bag be breathing.
Brightly shone the crystals green
Due to excess wassail
Christmas is a groovy scene -
God Bless Barbara Castle!

With apologies to Private Eye, The Abominable Radio Gnome, circa 67!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 04:34 PM

A window on the north wall opens slowly. Through it comes a large tarp, a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a rather rotund tortoise shell cat. "Move it, Alice!" It's cold out here. And in pops SINSULL "If the asbstos blanket doesn't keep him under control, I'll lock him in the Ladies with Alice Pisspot."

"Pinot Grigio chilled for me. I brought this to share later." she says, putting the bourbon on the table in the back booth. El Punkoid sighs and fills her glass. "She's here to screw up my fun again."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 05:36 PM

Who ordered the 'Wenceslaus Pizza'?


Deep pan, crisp and even....


with chocolate.


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 06:32 PM

[BACKTRACKS]

It's dark here......
Can't recall which tunnel I came down to reach this point, they all look the same from here.....
"Oh" something smells good! A hint of spice, perhaps nutmeg and cinnamon, maybe cloves....... I'll try to follow my beak, then.

Ah, I can hear something, soounds like people talking...... can't quite make it out...... something about quack rats?
Getting closer now.
Was that someone asking for a fondle?

It's getting warmer though....

Sounds of singing in the distance...


What's this long cold hard thing underfoot. Feels like a bozooka... didn't think you could still get them. Wonder if it still works? Whoosh.......
Well! I didn't expect balloons and flowers.......

Can't be far to go now....
I'm sure I can feel carpet underfoot....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 11:44 PM

Coats with torn linings and loose buttons gradually appear in front of Geoff as he trips over a low pile of galoshes. The cupboard between the Tavern and the Recovery Ward looms in front of him, and he sees light coming from under the door to the left. . .

"Galoshes and bazookas. What will they think of next?" he mutters to himself as he rises from his knees and staggers into the room, musical instrument in one hand, whiskey glass in the other. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 08:53 AM

Flexing claws, the Stray Tabby Cat climbs gratefully down the tree, winds her way over to SRS, nose in the air and greets the Tortoiseshell Cat who got there before her. 'Salmon? Did someone mention salmon?'

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:02 AM

Well, if I can't roast weenies, whatever shall I do? Waitwaitwait...it'll come to you...waitwaitwaitdrinkdrinkdrinkwaitwaitwaitdrinkdrinkdrink...

AHA! I have it!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:03 AM

be afraid. be very afraid.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:09 AM

*goes to close the wardrobe door from which Geoff recently emerged*

Hmmmmmmm...I've never noticed this before - look, there's a little plaque on this - reading:


C. S. Lewis Memorable Wardrobe

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: jacqui.c
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:11 AM

I knew I'd find SINS in here - just go where the booze is !

Any chance of a large Chardonnay please? I've spent most of the week being Nurse Ratched to Kendall since his cataract operation and I need to relax in a nice comfy chair by a good fire.......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 11:33 AM

Turkish delight, anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 12:50 PM

Bazookas, galoshes and ducks, oh my! Bazookas, Galoshes and Ducks, OH MY!!!


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 12:59 PM

drat - I'm having trouble figuring out a menu - the freds offerred to bring in some tribbles - so I was thinking they would be a nearly self-replenishing buffet; but for some reason the freds can't get the blasted things through customs.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 03:09 PM

Leave me alone, you silly cow! Why did you follow me in here anyway? Hey, Punkoid! The lady with the Chardonney wants to see a Yule fire. Help her out, would you?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 05:54 PM

Don't serve tribbles unless you plan to have rolls of dental floss easily accessible at the bar. The freds were pulling your leg, they're tough and really stringy--you might as well cook those packrats under the porch.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: artbrooks
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 06:12 PM

Besides, they are hard to catch and they breed like mad.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 10:28 PM

aLICE CHECKS OUT THE SALMON AND THEN THE STRAY tOM. sHE STRUTS HER STUFF BEFORE HIS NOSE, CURLS HER TAIL ALLURINGLY AND ASKS "dO YOU PLAY THE BANJO?"

dAMN cAPSLOCK!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 10:49 PM

The menu? Roasted archeopteryx, perhaps? With a nice roasted sweet pepper dressing? And some lovely sauteed Amorphophallus titanum for the veggies and vegans in the crowd?

Recites:

If all be true that I do think
There are five reasons why we drink:
Good friends, good wine, or being dry.
Or lest we should be by and by,
Or any other reason why.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 12:00 AM

In headlights, the snow flakes come at you like like swirling stars set free from winter gray galaxies, betraying any sense of speed into a perceived suspension of space and time. To shed the trance effect you cast down your tired eyes. Swirling across the snow-packed highway, ground blizzards seem to gasp up in frozen breath out of snowpacked pavement. Mighty drifts of snow are heaped up here in Northern Nebraska, drifts that lie in the lee of any object with strength to stand against the wind. Crystalline streams rush down the busted corn rows to eddy and twist into the road ahead. A figure is backlit briefly against light shed through an open door, hunching in to sanctuary, the door swings quickly shut.
Miles slide slowly by, then up ahead the tavern, strung lights of red and green and gold. The tires shift unsteadily at the turn, then bite into the frosty crust as the car stops in the parking lot. Buttons fastened, a deep breath drawn and held, and I am in the storm for the brief dash, then inside, closing the door against the blast. I turn and before I can place gloves in pockets, a warm mug of mulled wine is in my hands, and a friendly voice says Merry Christmas, Friend.
A Very Merry Christmas.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 12:41 AM

Wow! You must have come in by the northern door! I heard about that weather!

SRS hands Lonesome EJ a tray with a saucer holding a toothpick with a singed brown and black chunk of what looks like a nugget of jerky. "Try this--you might want to dip it to cut the salt of the soy sauce marinade. MMario went to all the tribble to cook it." The tray with the plate of intergalactic delicacies also holds a bowl of duck sauce.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 12:56 AM

BTW: Someone asked about the tab. We have Bert's credit card, and it still works. Keep on ordering whatever concoctions or confections you can dream up!

Bugger! I thought I'd cancelled that card - Bert

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 04:21 AM

Has anyone actually seen Bert since 2003? He must still be around and making payments, because the card hasn't been eaten by the machine.... but it would be nice if we bought him a drink to say thanks.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 07:51 AM

Thank god the Tavern's open again, I was beginning to wonder what I was going to do this year. Anyone mind if I stay till Boxing Day.

Hmmm. Might be a rash decision, that duck seems to have regrown its sharp and pointy bits and it's pissed already! Is there still a squid in the jello? Do we have sufficient stocks of Owd Roger to last the night? Why do the incontinent ones always have to stand nearest the fire? Answers to these and many more questions are to be found inside the Christmas cracker next to your plate. Ah well, better make the best of a deteriorating situation - barsteward a pint of 6x please and one of those chewy looking bar snacks.

Retires to a quiet corner sips beer and ponders the meaning of life, the university and dried whelks.

A tinsel wrapped christmas spatula floats by and looks at the top of the tree in a knowing way.

December again sheesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 09:01 AM

Geoff the Duck is sitting quietly in a warm corner near to the Southern end of the bar. He is still re-setting his bearings, as the Mudcat Tavern was the last place he expected to find behind the thick oaken door he had recently discovered blocking his path. In fact, he had been in the dark so long that he had almost forgotten his original mistake of leaning too far over the outpulled drawer of a shiny new white ash dresser, down at the furniture warehouse.
It seemed like he had been there for years, what, with the weeks wandering through the winter rimed woods, past the ruins of the deserted castles, the extended sessions drinking with those strange creatures, half man and half goat with funny shaped balls, what did they call themselves? Ah yes! Rugby players...
Finally, he recalls, one day a wrong turn led him into a thicket, and as he turned round to go back to the woods, there seemed to be a distinctive noise and a strange light, the World seemed for an instant to have turned blue and clicky, and instead of the bushes, he was sudenly facing cold stone walls. He had found himself in a circular chamber with a domed ceiling. At intervals along the wall, there were doors. Each was diferent, one was varnished pine, another walnut veneer, a third was dark oak and yet another might have been fine grained plywood with a coloured stain applied expertly to make it look more expensive.
Realisation had suddenly dawned. The forest concealed somehow within the furniture must have been the Magical World known to the select few visitors as Ikea....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 09:04 AM

Overhead, the roof echoes with the tramp of thirty-two tiny hooves and the sound of sleigh runner crunching the crust of the snow. Two footsteps echo downward, the sound of a heavy body and an "AAAAAAAAHHH!" like you make when you stretch after stopping during a long drive to loose your muscles and empty your bladder.

Then, other sounds, other voices, from on high and everyone becomes still and looks aloft, as if they could peer through the Olde Oaken Roofe Beams.

"Outa the bag and grab him, boys!" and the sounds of a scuffle, the sounds of small, elven, fists smacking into rotound flesh.

"Got the old bastard!" "Tie him up good, Jocko!" "Death to the bloated exploiter of Elvish labor!" and other cries in high-pitched voices echo through the room below. Even the squid and the cats are temporarily silent.

"Okay, boys! Shove him down the chimney! Do it headfirst and let's get back to the Pole! You Know Who's Waiting There For Us!"

And a large, white-bearded, soot-covered, Carhart-clad body thumps headfirst into the fire. Tied with ropes, cuffed with handcuffs, chained with chains, it quickly rolls out of the fire, smothering any burning spots on the way.

"Say, friends," says the old man, "Could you untie, uncuff, and unchain me? Hijacked on a pre-Yule test flight by the elves. Who would have believed that the little Commies had it in them?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 10:11 PM

One of the ducks drops down from the rafters and stomps out a burning spot on the Jolly Old Elf's hat and collar, then flys over to sit on the bar next to a calico cat.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:16 AM

Shame about that handcuff key.. .anyone got a hacksaw?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Morticia
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:35 AM

you know Liz, that's awfully close to his...........ooooops...which door leads to the Emergency Room again?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:57 AM

Don't go through the oak one, you never know where you might get stuck!
You should have tried brandy butter, it being seasonal and such likes....
Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 09:35 AM

"Rum, please. Pusser's Admiral, if you have it. Straight up, svp. The 151 proof stuff, gracias. And a lighter. Right, thanks."

He watches as Liz and Morticia drag the bleeding Jolly Old off, screaming, to a private room. Hmmm, he thinks, probably something about the chains and handcuffs. None of his business, though.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 09:48 AM

Blood always brings out a feeding frenzy of some sort...Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,The Giant Squid
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 10:35 AM

Shuffling off behind the threesome, the squid is heard to mutter "direct pressure. Didn't anyone teach these two about direct pressure?" A moment later there is a giddy laugh, a small shriek, then a muffled curse as the squid seizes Santa around his middle so [not] small and tumbles him into the sea. Where he has enough purchase that he can stop the bleeding but nearly drowns Santa in the process. Hauling Santa back onto the beach, it can be seen that the squid's mighty beak has cleanly sheered off the handcuffs, ropes and chains.

"Remember, Santa, I want a REAL Rolex for each arm, not any of those cheesy Chinatown knockoffs."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 11:33 AM

The squirrel sat in a corner of the fireplace contemplating his nuts slowly roasting by the fire when he was awakened from his reverie by the smell of burning hair and a warm feeling in his nether regions. A piece of smouldering Santa hat had landed on him. Quickly brushing himself down and closely inspecting the damage he headed for the bar and a stiff drink. Damn, the bottle opener had gone again so grabbing the duck by the legs he upended it and used its beak to lever off the cap of a bottle of St.Bernadus Quadrupel 12%. Dropping the duck in an undignified heap (no change there), he headed off towards the gaily painted MDF door, reached out and turned the handle...........

The sound of an empty bottle spinning on a stone floor echoed through the half empty doorway!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 05:18 PM

Rapaire, are you planning to run someone through with that pig sticker of yours? Stop running in the tavern with it--the barkeep has some more marshmellows for you. Settle down by the fire. That is Rapaire running with the sword, right? Wait, maybe it isn't. . .maybe it's. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 05:19 PM

Har!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 05:25 PM

Dear God In Heaven Above!

It's the RALPHS!!!

Thank goodness I have my smallsword!!!

And...the rum...the lighter...it's AFTERBURNER TIME!!!!


Whoosh!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 06:48 PM

At that moment, a bedraggled Santa was entering the tavern from the southern door.

Whoosh!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:56 PM

Whilst still musing on his time spent in the strange mystical Nether Universe, GtD was vaguely aware of the arrival of a strangely large and familiar multi-legged and somewhat squidgey shape. As the squid embraced the portly handcuffed gentleman, he was half dreaming of the castle at Caer-Para-Diff where he first met the "front row" before retiring to the steak house on Caroline Street. His mind drifted over the muddy bay of tigers whilst a small and defenceless merganser was viciously assaulted at the bar.
His attention was suddenly drawn back to the present when a door smashed open. Strange, he thought, there seem to be a lot more doors in this place than there ever used to be, and not two the same shape, size or colour! Has a mad carpenter been on the loose since my last visit.
As he tried to make sense of the new arrivals, several members of the party flung themselves flat on the ground. If there is one thing to be learned from a lifetime of experience, and nominal predetermination, a good one is "Know when to DUCK", and he did....rapidly!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 08:23 PM

WHOOSH?

What was all that about, then?
As soon as it seemed safe to move, GtD sidled towards a gap in the bar. He knew when to get out of the line of fire (And when the fire is hot and directional - getting out of it takes on greater meaning...).
He slipped behind the bar and found a half full barrel of porter which appeared to be unattended and in need of company. After sampling it, in the nature of being a good deed on behalf of later visitors, GtD peeked over the counter (oh yes - a peeking duck) to see a squirrel, with the charred remains of a bushy tail, staring wide eyed at the soggy Santa.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 10:02 PM

Because someone (who shall remain nameless at the moment) had taken a mouthful of 151 proof rum and spewed it forth through the flame of the lighter.

Yes, it was the infamous drink called...an Afterburner!!

(Too bad about the squirrel.)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 10:14 PM

Too bad about Santa! Poor guy's going to be bald until his beard and hair grow back. He'll go around the planet in 23 days looking like Yasser Arafat with his uniformly short stubble.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 09:29 AM

GtD glanced down towards the wall at the far end of the bar. Somebody had written with chalk on the menu board -


    Starters....
                Roast Squirrel
            (WARNING - this product may contain nuts)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 09:36 AM

Alice the cat strolls carefully over to the smoking squirrel, sniffs its tail with great interest, turns and pisses on it. "That will have to do until Micca shows up", she muses as she goes back to see if the salmon is ready.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:16 AM

Fresh from squirrel roasting, he moseys over to a door and peeks through. There, sure enough and just as he suspected, is a sign that reads:

Mudcat Holiday Tavern
Warning: May contain nuts & seafoord. Also may contain alcohol, which may cause dizziness, pregnancy, logorrhea, off-key music, and coyote dating.

He quietly closes the door, doubtful that he will become pregnant, and so quietly consumes a flip.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:29 AM

GtD waves across at SINSULL.
Put out a chair and sit down, the leather topped ones aren't burning as badly as the velvet covered ones.
Have yourself a pint of Rudolph's Revenge and put your feet up for a while.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:33 AM

I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:53 AM

The salmon isn't coming into the room until cats STOP peeing on squirrels.

Sage scoops up the injured squirrel, erases the chaulk board on her way out to the porch, where the squirrel is quickly soaped, rinsed, and released into the rafters.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 01:57 PM

And he quietly picks up his Purple Jesus and retreats, sword in hand, roasted weenie on sword, to the corner where he proceeds to eat his weenie and sing his traditional songs of the season:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

and

"Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Mary and for Holly,
Jessica, Erin, Samantha, Sharon --
All presents waiting for me."

and

"You'd better watch out, you'd better not pout,
You'd better be good I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead."

All the songs he learned as a tender young lad as, clad in tattered rags, he sold burnt matchsticks to bloated oppressors of the laboring classes...and his mind drifts back to his student days, shivering in a garret whilst his stub of a candle guttered in the drafts, a moldy crust of bread and ditchwater his food and drink, but his mind hungering and thirsting for knowledge even though he couldn't afford the textbooks needed for the classes he snuck into, much less a warm coat or something other than a pallet on the floor..

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 03:53 PM

Sage reenters the room and glances around. A warm glow from the fire, a warm buzz from the booze, and she can see that Rapaire has fallen asleep on the warmly-hued fine old walnut bench in the corner reading nook with his head resting on a copy of Oliver Twist. Turning back to the door, she signals to some casual laborers from the neighborhood to haul a large silver fir into the room and securely mount it in it's assembled tree stand. One of the smaller in the group scrambles into the rafters and secures some guy wires. He also tosses down a harness that is still attached to the rafters from two years ago. The harness has dried sap on it from a misadventure with the tree from 2003.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 04:09 PM

Blimey - was the self launching Christmas tree TWO years back?
I'm still shaking in my boots whenever I smell pine needles!!!!!!!
QUACK!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 06:34 PM

Watch out for Doctor Who on TV this Christmas in the UK, the Christmas trees do more than self launch!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Gluon!!
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 06:48 PM

Quark!!

Quark!!

Quark!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:32 PM

While Ms. Sage is busy with her tacky silver tree, Alice sneaks off to the kitchen, helps herself to a giant portion of salmon, tucks a bit away for her fellow kitties, and pisses on the rest. Out through the north door she sneaks. Merry Christmas to all.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:01 PM

He raises his head from his pillow and recites:

The quality of krill is not strain'd,        
It droppeth as a gentle soup from heaven        
Upon the balleen beneath: it is twice bless'd;        
It blesseth him that strains and him that eats:        
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes        
The mighty blue whale better than anything;        
His blowhole shows the force of temporal power,        
The attribute to awe and majesty,        
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of whales;        
But krill is above this watery sway,        
It is enthroned in the hearts of whales,        
It is an attribute to God himself,        
And earthly power doth then show likest God's        
When krill seasons the waters.

And he falls asleep again, without spilling a single droplet.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:13 PM

Clementine, the bold, bouncy, rotund calico races to the rescue, defty tossing a sheet of Saran Wrap over the top of the salmon before the naughty British kitty can empty her bladder on the remainder of the food.

Carefully rolling and pulling the smarmy plastic from the pristine fish, Clementine helps herself to a mighty cat mouthful before strolling off to sleep in the back of the pickup. "What they don't know won't hurt them," she purrs to herself. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:26 PM

Or was that a New England kitty?

Who's making the wassail this year?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 11:24 AM

Note to Stilly - Alice is NYC born and raised which explains a lot. The move to New England didn't mellow her any.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 12:05 PM

Ah, one of those cats with "attitude."

Sage pulls a nice hot knish out of the warming oven next to the stove in the back room, crumbles it onto a saucer, and puts it on the floor in the corner for the NYC kitty to discover.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 02:29 PM

Ah.. is that the aroma of garlic bread I smell? Done to an old Dorset recipe (burnt to buggery).... don't anyone light that candle!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 05:05 PM

"Hmm, what's a knish then?" enquired the Very British Female Tabby who hasn't even peed on a banjo, let alone played one "Well at least Alice left me this stash of salmon.... Now, where can I find the tupperware???"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 05:36 PM

Over in the corner, he turned in his sleep and pulled the buffalo robe tighter around him. Dreaming of sugarplums? no -- he dreamt on of his youth, of working in the sewers of Paris so that he could afford to live on the Left Bank while sneaking into classes at the Sorbonne, of his life in the trenches during The Great War, when the gas and shell and Maxim guns tearing the heart out of a generation precluded him from developing friendships because they would be torn asunder by the implacable enemy; of his service with La Legion Etranger and the miles of hiking through the deserts of North Africa where Berbers lurked behind every dune with their jezails primed; and of that sweet young girl he left behind when he first went to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune, the innocent young thing who he had promised to return to and who ended up marrying Clem Bob Simms, the President of the local university instead.

In his sleep he reached again for the bottle of absinthe.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:33 PM

Rapaire seems to have shifted in his sleep from the Dickens onto a stack of novels of Hemingway and Fitzgerald and Hilton, with some Ezra Pound and T.S. Eliot poetry in there to bring the stack to a comfortable height.

Knish and tell. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 10:55 PM

AAAAAlice! AAAAAlice! No where to be found.
Maybe I better take that knish off your hands Stilly. You can have my soul in return.
Gobble...gobble...Yum Yum

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 07:03 AM

Squirrels have rights too, said the squirrel pulling on an ill fitting but seemingly discarded racoon skin. Hmmmm, Davey Crockett been around here? The skin was tight, covered in stains of a most unsalubrious nature and somewhat threadbare. It also had a large amount of cat hair and duck feathers adhering to the inside of the pockets. The most curious thing, however, was that it was wet and smelled strongly of cephalopod dropping. My god, a squid disguise!!

Think I'll stay in the rafters a while he thought when, without warning, a huge silver tree thwacked him in the hinquarters and pinned him to the ceiling. It was not going to be a good Christmas!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 08:56 AM

What could she have seen in him? he wondered in his sleep. Tall, handsome, virile, wealthy beyond the wildest dreams of Croesus, a doctorate each in physics, mathematics, and astronomy, caring and sensitive and yet an expert outdoorsman able to canoe Class VII rapids using only a single shingle, a former smoke jumper who'd saved an entire mountain village single-handed, one of the founders of Medicins Sans Frontieres -- what could Earleena have seen in him?

He sighed in his sleep for what could have been and awakened suddenly with a Great Need. Sleepily, he stumbled to door marked "Men", little knowing that some trickster had painted over the "Wo". The little icon gave him no pause because of the number of Scotsmen drinking blended whiskey at the bar and who, by the tilt of their kilts, were about to become whiskey frisky.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 09:19 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 09:32 AM

Oh! Rapaire, poor misguided fool, Earleena was of good British yeoman stock and knew the correct spelling of whisky. You shattered your own dreams and illusions by displaying yourself as a COLONIAL!!!

She also understood the significance of the tilted kilt as an obscure Caledonian mating ritual, knowing that the pen is is seldom mightier that the sword when doused with cheap blended whisky. Friskiness is seldom an option.

That squirrel doesn't look very happy up there!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 09:51 AM

well - they've discovered a new animal in Borneo - and I was thinking it might star in our Christmas menu - but it turns out to be a carnivore - and most mammalian carnivores tend to have too strong a taste for most people. So still looking for a good suggestion as to what to serve. I could reheat the leftover Aurochs chili.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 10:08 AM

Why don't you make auroch tamale pie? I have a good cornbread recipe to put over the top of it.

Someone wring out that raccoon in the rafters, please--it's dripping on the bar. Anyone taking bets on when Rapaire decides to retreat from the laddies room? Is he going to hide in a stall in shame until everyone else leaves the room so he can exit undetected?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:03 AM

Christmas 2005
Mudcat Tavern

For The Carnivorous:

Therium Platter - a mixed grill of your choice of the following, grilled to your taste over a mixture of Zitan, Purpleheart, Torimiro and Rapa Nui Giant Palm. Served with a variety of dipping sauces and a side salad.

        Uintatherium
        Baluchitherium
        Chalicotherium
        Indricatherium
        Paraceratherium


Patagonian Doedicurus - boneless bite-sized pieces of tender * filet stewed in the animals own armourplate; over Giant Palm charcoal. Includes chopped Maca, krlìing and skirrets

*Our Doedicurus are prime young animals taken before their growth makes the meat tough. No specimen over 12 foot passes our rigid standards.

Passenger Pigeon - grilled or deep fried served with a side of Rapa Nui Giant Palm heart slaw

Aurochs Tamale Pie (serves 2)


For the Herbivores:

Malabar Gourd a Gratin - the tender gourd baked with cheese and a subtle sauce of Aurochs cream and Dodo eggs

Peruvian Platter - a balanced mix of Yacon and Oca crisps, served on a tender crisp bed of Ulloca leaves

Mashua Medley - white yellow red and purple Mashua , diced, sauted and artistically arranged on a bed of mixed greens.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:30 AM

My, my. That sounds delicious.

And so, have escaped from the --men's Room by the subtle disguise of crawling out a window and returning, whistling nonchalantly, through the side door, he asks quietly for a drink. A triple. Neat. Of Everclear.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:37 AM

1oo the post !!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:45 AM

Leadfingers you swine, lurking in the undergrowth no doubt disguised as a garden ornament!

This man must be an imposter, he claims to be a banjo player!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:58 AM

we'll just turn him in to the Gnome Libration Army for impersonation of a garden ornament. they'll take care of him!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:52 PM

Any chance of another beer in the corner here? I've been singing all evening with little boys, and they aren't half so much fun as big ones.

Pass over some of that Rapa Nui, but please, I like my salads like I like my men... undressed!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 06:01 AM

I thought you liked your salad covered in chocoloate, Liz!
MMario - what about a side dish of Krill. There's a thread
detailing their escape routes, so it should be easy to set nets to haul them in. I'm sure it would keep the old squid out of trouble for a week or two.
Oh and barperson - I'll have a pint of beer - This sounds like a suitable one to go with it - Jolly Roger Christmas Ale.
Good health to all
Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 07:46 AM

And the Men in Tights are moaning all the way to the bank that there
wont be any booze or food left in the Tavern by the time we stop doing Christmas Entertainment for the Hoi Polloi of the Thames Valley !

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:13 AM

Yummy, he said to himself, chocolate covered krill!

And he sang!

We're men, we're men in tights.
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men, we're men in tights,
Always on guard defending the people's rights.

We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights.
We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!

And having another, sang another in an awful Scottish accent:

We're Men!! We're men in KILTS!
(lisping) YES!
And we all know, what's hanging below, it never wilts!
We're Me-en, men in kiiiiiiilts,
If you lift up the plaid, it can be sayed, which way it tilts!
You might think we're just nancys, but we're surly, pissed off and mean!
And if you call it a dress or skirt, then we'll have to stab ya in your spleen!
Yeah! We're MEN! (manly men!) Men in KILTS! (lisping) YES!
Look down below, and then you'll know, how well we're built!
We're me-en, Men in kiiiiiiiilts,
And we can't think of anything else that rhymes with "Ilt!"
You might think that we're pansies, but you have to be brave to dress like this!
If you keep pissing us off, we'll grab yer throat and give ya a Glasgow kiss!

...and continues to repeat the verses at random and off-key until he again fell asleep clutching his piobrach-and-water....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:42 AM

And I just bet you were doing the actions to that song.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:43 AM

"guilt"" rhymes as does "spilt" and "quilt". Should be another verse in that.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:52 AM

Standing on a stilt, he felt guilt about having spilt beer upon the quilt.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 11:53 AM

Yes, he felt guilt about having spilt beer and silt upon the quilt while on a stilt.

Mostly because when his wife found out he was gonnna be kilt.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 01:16 PM

The guilt was felt upon a gilt guilt stilt, of course.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 08:05 PM

Sorry, no stilts here, but we do have a step-stool behind the bar. Will that help? You'll have to launder your own quilt--just head through the coat closet into the Recovery Ward and use the laundry facilities in there. Better tiptoe so Nurse Ratched doesn't hear you. And don't wake Spaw, if he turns up in there one of these days.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 09:08 AM

Down at the bottom is an ad for "Traditional kilts made from Cornish tartan. Great prices."

And all along I'd thought that the Cornish tartan was an endangered species...good eatin', though.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 11:11 AM

Sage prys a frozen squirrel off of the windowsill on the Tavern porch, and tucks it into her pocket to warm it up.

Brrrrrrrrr but it's cold out that Texas door today! Barkeep, what do we have back there to eat that is hot?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 12:45 PM

*hand-cleaning the 9,651,734,331st krill, before carefully dipping into chocolate and setting aside to allow chocolate coating to harden*

Well - the krill isn't *HOT*, but it isn't cold. and there's a vat of Incandescent Pickle Chili ready

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 01:04 PM

Nothin' like poached squirrel brains on toast! -- for you. I really don't care for them. Thanks anyway. Really, no, I just ate. Help yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 01:54 PM

Mmmmmmmmm roast squirrel.. .very tasty. Comes with its own hazelnut stuffing.....

The Office Party is tomorrow, today everyone else decked the office with swags of tatty tinsel, manky mobiles and putrid yellow paperchains. I grinched in my corner and just put my solitary bauble on the begonia. I'm going out to dinner with a gorgeous young man instead of the office party.... I ain't completely stupid!

So... fill me up Barkeep, got to have a good base on which to lay that Spanish wine! (_)?
LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 02:02 PM

A sharp-eyed cat, sitting on a chair that is tucked under the edge of a table, notices the bulge in Sage's jacket pocket begin to shift as the semi-hairless squirrel inside warms. Her sharp-eyed pooches notice the sharp-eyed cat under the table and begin to wag tentatively and creep forward.

For those who read this secret language of white, you may want to seek cover. It's bound to get messy and noisy.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 04:06 PM

'Hmmm, what's she got in her pocketses?', the sharp-eyed Tabby thinks to herself while keeping a sharp eye on the interested hounds....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 04:13 PM

If that squirrel is named 'Precious' I may toss my cookies. and since they just came out of the oven (white Chocolate, baileys and pecan) and are HOT you don't want that!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 04:57 PM

Toss some of those cookies over this way Mmario, I've not had any dinner today and I'm too tired to either cook or eat....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Reliable Narrator
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 05:36 PM

Overnight the lovely sweet-smelling fir tree was decorated with bows, shiny glass balls, case-hardened gingerbread cookies and assorted animal treats by the Tavern's cats, ducks, and humans. The squid hung the star on the top in a move no one can easily describe, so I won't. In the morning gifts started to accumulate underneath, most of them wrapped in colorful paper. Three notable exceptions were the bags of dry food—dog food, cat food, and dried corn for the ducks. These leaned against the wall beside the tree where they had been placed by a good Samaritan. "Thanks, Mudcat critters, for lovely memories in days gone by" said a note on the sack of corn, attached with a dab of silver duct tape.

Clementine, the rotund calico, sat near the forgotten harness in the beams above the tree, comfortably twitching her tail and eyeing the dogs eyeing the cat eyeing the squirrel in the pocket. A movement in the corner of her eye had Clementine suddenly leap from the beam onto the harness rope and bungee jump swiftly to within three feet of the floor. A large barn owl circled the room, startling all out of their warm holiday contemplation of the food chain, radically shifting their positions from one of "predator" to one of "meal."

Just then, Mmario walked into the room carrying a hot platter of something that smelled wonderful, and Rapaire lurched forward from his bench in the corner. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 05:45 PM

Well, hell, that's a FINE howdy-do! Food for everyone EXCEPT poor old Gluon, huh? You got something against multidimensional, multiquanta, duck dogs or something?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: moonglow
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 11:44 PM

The Texas door swings open violently, almost tearing off its hinges, and fills the room with a blast of frigid air. A young woman wearing a huge jacket, a long flannel skirt, and massive snow-boots steps in, nearly tripping over the threshold in her hurry to get out of the cold. She seems to be struggling with a small bag, which appears to be quite heavy for its size. Dropping it on the bar with a heavy thud, she turns away to close the door, revealing to the observer the label on the package: "For Gluon," written in curly script.

"What the hell is that made of?" she grumbles, glaring at the heavy bag, as she takes off her coat, flinging it into the corner (nearly missing Rapaire). She sits down quietly in another corner, embarrassed as everyone is now staring at her, and calls for a mug of cocoa.

"...and don't skimp on the marshmallows!" She sits back and looks around, as Clementine settles into her lap.

"Whew... I got here early this year."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 03:48 AM

And what is this damn orange fruit doing in my lap?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:02 AM

reading the small script on the label of Duck-dog food:

Collapsed matter, anti-particle clusters, wavicles, gravitons. Less then .001% nutrinos.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:07 AM

So...it's not very neutrinoish, huh? Poor put, it's probably produced on machinery that has also processed antimatter and you know what that'll do to his digesti...where'd it go? And what's that eating sound over there in the other corner's corner?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:15 AM

The almost frozen squirrel feels the heat slowly seeping back into his motheaten fur. It had been a mistake to don the wet skin he realised for not only was he cold and wet but it would take several hot baths with pungent unguments to eradicate the odour of squid. The sooner he did this the better though for every cat in the room had caught the scent and was eyeing him ominously.

Pausing just long enough to thank Sage for her kindness and grab a warming bottle of rum, he dragged himself towards the Recovery Room bathroom. Ah bliss, the warm scented water caressed his aching body, the rum caressed his brain cell and he slipped into a deep sleep.

Back in the tavern they thought someone had started a chainsaw as the snores reverberated through the foundations, shaking the tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:17 AM

At the third try, the cellar door opens witha soft thump. A strange aroma part animal, part stale beer, pervades the room. Through it appears a banner showing a Heath-Robinson pancake machine, the banner lurhes slightly with the shuffling gait of the gnomad which is bearing it. Wild-eyed, hairy, confused and very evidently the source of the aroma, it surveys the room and company with caution.

Seeing no immediate threat it closed the door, and shuffles towards the petfood, muttering.

"Wonder how long I been asleep in that dive...talk out low, and I've been to some places...talk about snow and ice don't usually bother me, but that duck...Try not the pass, it said... but a six foot duck, in red trousers...must know sunp'n, or was that old man ribber?"

gnomad looks dubiously at the petfood, then at the presents beneath the tree, pauses, then rummages ia a carrier marked Google. Placing a beautifully hand-crafted blickie marked "Merry Christmas Gluon" gnomad dusts his hands.

"Excelsior," he remarks, to nobody in particular and spotting the door marked washroom, lurches towards it.

"Food, need food...better get cleaned up first though or they'll toss me out for sure...up i dee, up i dah..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 03:31 PM

Sage feels a damp spot on the side of her pants leg, but can't account for it's source. Pulling her reading glasses out of her pack, she proceeds to the sack of corn and finds the one little piece of white thread in the stitched top that, when pulled, allows the bag to easily zip open. It sticks. She pulls a little harder, and the whole thing suddenly unzips. Still upright against the wall, the open top reveals large yellow whole dry kernals. The bag is a veritable duck cornucopia there under the tree.

Next she turns to the dog food, but stops when a single sharp claw catches the fabric of her pants and barely nicks her skin through her sock beneath. "Hissssss. Not that one. This one."

Right. Cat food first.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 03:43 PM

I'm surprised you got away with feeding the ducks before the cats! You notice Gluon helped himself - but then again, he usually does - or will, orr would have, depending on circumstance. Sometime it is that he shall have.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 04:24 PM

Just luck--and cats can't read. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 05:45 PM

Meanwhile Santa is still in recovery, enjoying the hot tub with six or seven of the female denizens of this place, his mind leaping without a backward glance from dowdy Mrs. Claus to the lovely young ladies with whom he is conversing.

And back at The Pole, Mrs. Claus is trying to deal with an Elf Revolution....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 06:30 PM

Isn't that an oxymoron ~ lovely young ladies/denizens of this place?

I for one wouldn't mind if he would just recover his hand from where it is at the moment and pass me my beer!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 06:15 PM

Just as Liz the Squeak lifted the beer to her lips, a blue tit fluttered onto the bar in front of her and dropped a shiny foil-wrapped piece of dark chocolate.

"Busted," the bird chirped.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 08:39 PM

Meanwhile, up at The Pole:

"Comrades!" said Comrade Nadezhda Krupskaya Claus (nee Mrs. Santa), "We have overthrown the corrupt bourgeoise oppressor! The means of production are in the hands of the downtrodden workers! Let us make a workers paradise here, where everyone works for the good of all! Let us make a peaceful soviet, a commune from which the gifts made by our hands will spread the Good Word to children everywhere, and by our example the revolution we have begun here will eventually engulf the world!

"Yay!! screamed several hundred elves.

"Bullshit," muttered the one called Leon Trotsky Dugashvilii. "That ain't he way the world works." And his cohorts nodded wisely at this observation.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 11:03 PM

Now for the good stuff! shouts a down-trodden underpaid woodcarver elf.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 11:05 PM

Meantime, Alice slinks back through the North door with her precious Baby Fred, Killer of Squirrels and Chipmunks, in tow. "I think he's over here in the bathroom", she hisses. Baby Fred follows, padding lightly and watching curiously for his next prey. "The perfect gift for Mom. I will slip it under the tree carefully killed and bloodless."

Creep, creep, creep...POUNCE!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 05:41 AM

Ah Sins, if only you knew how fiction mirrors truth. Cute little kitten Raven bought us a present Friday evening and carefully placed it under the tree we have waiting for its baubles... half a mouse gift wrapped in intestines.

Being a bad kitty he didn't wait until Christmas and started to unwrap it there and then.

Meanwhile, I am all St Nicholas'ed out after our concert last night, and if I never see another bloody timpani it will be too soon!

Pass me the sloe gin, got to keep the throat supple, 2 more carol concerts and 2 more carol singing sessions to go!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 06:59 AM

There is a brief kerfuffle as the washroom door opens to readmit the gnomad, through the door can be seen a number of animals scrabbling and pouncing on each other. The gnomad has been interrupted in mid-toilet, he is cleaner, and has shed the aroma along with his outer garments. He remains hairy and rather dishevelled, but looks otherwise fairly civilised.

Crossing the room to a vacant table, he folds his towel and returns it to the google carrier bag. "Glad I could rescue that at least, always like to know where it is." He sits, repeatedly searches various pockets, and eventually finds his spectacles. He scans the menu, "Hmm, Patagonian Doedicurus� dunno what it is, but it sounds big, and seems to be on special"

Heading for the bar he calls out the order "and can I get you anything from the bar while I'm there? I think I'll be having Calvados myself."

He busies himself behind the bar, murmuring as he does so, "can rescue the rest of my gear when those animals have finished in there...think I'll leave the banner here for decoration...Don't fancy being found dead in a snowdrift with that in my hand...don't fancy being found dead at all, come to that."

He finds a large bag of smoked almonds, rips it open, tips it into a handy bowl, and starts nibbling. He sips the Calvados, and the mug of cocoa which seems to be ownerless on the bar. "Not a lot of music for a Mudcat get-together, think I'll try a quiet one while I wait for that whatever it was, see how it goes down." He steps round the bar, props his back against it, and sings softly..

"Christmas is now drawing near at hand,
Come serve the Lord, and be at His command,
And God a portion for you will provide,
And give a blessing to your soul beside.

Down in the garden where flowers grow in ranks,
Down on your bended knees and give the Lord thanks,
Down on your knees and pray both night and day,
Leave off your sins, and live upright I pray.

So proud and lofty is some sort of sin,
Which many take delight and pleasure in,
Whose conversation God doth much dislike,
And yet He shakes his sword before He strikes.

So proud and lofty do some people go,
Dressing theirselves like players in a show,
They patch and paint and dress with idle stuff,
As if God had not made them fine enough.

Even little children learn to curse and swear,
And can�t rehearse one word of Godly prayer,
Oh, teach them better, Oh, teach them to rely
On Christ the sinners� friend, who reigns on high."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 09:35 AM

Freddie emerges victorious, a bedraggled squirrel held gently in his mouth. Alice proudly struts behind her progeny and the two of them head for the North door.

Note from SINS: "Somebody please stop them. I am still trying to locate the dead vermin currently rotting away somewhere in my sunroom."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 10:18 AM

Cinnamon the pitbull and Poppy the heeler/catahoula have sat quietly as they were told (unlike at home where commands are considered suggestions only) and are all a-quiver to sort out the critters. When their friend the squirrel is carted toward the door their control breaks. Cinnamon goes into stalker mode and moves carefully, slowly, one-foot-moves-at-a-time-entire-dog-level-and-almost-invisible-to-prey

step step run run POUNCE

and there is an explosion of activity. Poppy races in an arc around the cats, nipping and herding them into the doorway. Ducks fly up to the rafters. Cinnamon snatches up the ill-behaving cat with the squirrel still in it's mouth, and happily deposits both at Sage's feet, giving the cat a final big lick. Reaching down to retrieve the wet and nearly-bald squirrel, now looking more like a long skinny rat, she has a passing thought that the big kitten is going to be busy for a while. Washing off industrial-strength dog slobber may require this cat spend time in the recovery ward. She slips the squirrel back into her jacket pocket. "Poppy, head 'em into the ward, that's a good girl," and Gnomad sets down his handful of nuts, steps over to the closet door and quickly opens it wide. "Clear out the loo while you're at it, good girl!" he says, and Poppy makes a loop through the bathroom and more critters head down the hall and slip into the darkened doorway, under the coats. The squid seems to be exempt from all of this, but everything, including a heretofore unmentioned ferret races out of the room, Poppy nipping at their butts, and disappear into the Recovery Ward. Poppy appears in the tavern again a moment later, dopey happy expression on her face as she wags her pleasure at such work.

Someone in the back of the room, transfixed with the cyclonic dog activity, is heard to say "Wow. I hope Spaw doesn't turn up in there today--Ratched is bound to be on a rampage with all of these critters."

While no one is looking, Cinnamon grips the corner of the dog food bag. Her slim hips and waist perfectly still, her broad head and shoulders are a blur as she gives it a huge shake, bursting the sack and broadcasting dog food over the floor. The dogs then happily munch their way around packages under the tree.

A merganzer in a snit decends from the rafters and perches on the open sack of corn. Poppy, always wanting to be helpful, snurfles the duck and seems to understand his request. In a doggie twinkling, the 50# bag of corn is tipped over, broadcasting corn across the floor.

Sage crunches into the room bearing a platter. "Salmon, anyone? Here's another batch ready from the grill."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 11:19 AM

"Wonder what's happened to my punctuation since coming in here? Can't be the Calvados, I've only had a few sips yet... I could offer that squirrel some of these nuts, but they are smoked, it might think I was being sarcastic."

Gnomad eases his way back to the table, giving the assembled dogs a wide berth. "Chocolate dipped krill as a desert?" he muses "sounds a bit fishy to me, still, try everything once, except incest and folk dancing. Never been tempted by incest, but he had a point about the dancing, my knees won't take it any more."

Thinks "I'll risk the nuts. Then maybe the lady with the oranges, cookies, and the pint mug of wine will tell me about the krill, she looks like someone who would know."

"Do you think your friend would like some smoked almonds?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 01:14 PM

Following the rumpus and cacophony of the dogs, cats, squirrels and inexplicable lone ferret, Geoff's attention returns to the length of the bar. He watches in long fascination as MMario tackles his latest addition to the menu. It seems as if Phoenix Flambee may have been a slight misjudgement, as every time he gets it burning nicely there is a sudden flare-up followed by a pile of ashes containing a single large red, blue and green specked egg.
Perhaps it might be better to just boil the egg and have done with it?
Ah!
Such is life...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 01:42 PM

He sits on the floor in the corner, sipping a hot mokli and rum flambee, and toasts another blutwurst, impaled upon his sword, over the flames. "Can't beat it," he thinks, "the drinking makes it possible to do the eatin'." And he continues to listen to the music in his head, even if he can't figure out the words or the melody.

And then a loud swoosh and the place shakes like a bomb went off nearby. A sack thuds into the fireplace, scattering the fire and embers, and as various folks take various actions to put out the result, a woman's voice is heard from within the sack, yelling obscenities and profanities and denouncing her former "comrades."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 02:28 PM

Gnomad shambles over to the bar, but this does not appear to be a good moment to ask Mmario about the doedicurus, as he is still fighting the Phoenix dish.."Salmon looks good, though, I'll have some of that."

He helps himself, and looks over towards the fire, where a figure is beating out the flames with one hand, while apparently toasting some sort of sausage-on-a-sword with the other.."He's going to knock over that vat of mulled cider if he isn't careful..better go rescue it, but I'm not touching that sack, it doesn't sound like my kind of sack at all."

The vat smells as though it has been simmering a long time, all spicy, and the fruit has almost disintegrated.."Anyone mind if I freshen this up a little, got something in my pack should do the trick?" he makes for the washroom door.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 03:04 PM

Sage takes a quick look in the tavern office behind the bar and notices that the google ads at the bottom of the screen are for Apple Cider Presses and something called "Savanah Mixes."

The message board at Google Central slows to a crawl as the room full of people shouts "slow it down, I'm not done with that line yet" as they read along, rapt at the adventures in the Mudcat Tavern.

"I wonder how we can spice that up?" one of the techies softly says to himself. He reaches for his keyboard and types in "F-E-R-R-E-T."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 08:05 PM

The gnomad returns from the washroom (in fact from the T&S in Whitby, but who knows that?) he carries his pack, and has ditched the banner with a strange device. Rummaging awhile he produces a silver bottle, "Ponche Cabalero...I remember this one, smells like cough medicine ought to...30 years since I got it in the Pyrenees...better check it first."

He dips a ladlefull of the mulled cider into the trusty tankard which only leaves his side to be lifted to his lips. Adding a brown syrupy goo from the bottle, he stirs it a while with his thumb, then sips, his eyebrows huddle together briefly, as the liquid slides down. "Not quite right yet, but promising."

He upends the bottle into the cider vat, and forages in the pack again, "All these bottles that seemed a good idea at the time...course the bloody Cointreau died in Bradford after a four hour trip that took fifteen, that would have been the right thing." he holds up a flat bottle marked Enzian-likor, but returns it to the pack, "Don't think that would help any, too bitter...Aha!!Lemon vodka, that's more like"

He repeats the ladle, add, stir, taste routine. This time the eyebrows are ready, and remain steady. "Smooth," say his lips, in a tone that would not convince a singularly deaf post, "Think I'll try the Aurochs chile before I continue the tasting, important to get it right after all."

He heads back towards the bar, where the flames are abating somewhat, "Ferret, eh? Where did that spring from? Weasily distinguished from a stoat of course, that would be stoatally different...Say, any of that Aurochs chile still going?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 12:15 AM

Seems about time for some music! Anyone know any bawdy songs, so this alcohol that gnomad is bailing into the cider will have something to take hold of?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 08:27 AM

Surprising all the Tavern's residents, the door to the Recovery Ward swings open to reveal a Ferret and several Cats hanging onto the doorhandle. Dropping to the floor in a pile of fur, claws & teeth they hastily disentangle themselves - comrades in Arms they may be, but not necessarily good friends yet.

Scanning the Tavern the stray Tabby notices a lone Blue Tit, waving a card saying 'busted' from a game of Grass from the 70's, perched in the rafters. Mayhem ensues as she launches herself into the Christmas Tree closely followed by Clementime and the strangely inserted Ferret with Alice and Baby Fred bravely attempting to bring up the rear....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 09:13 AM

The bag in the fireplace (the one in the south-southeastern corner) wriggles out, trailing ashes and soot. A Rambo-style knife blade appears and slits the sack open. Out crawls someone who is obviously upset, given the expletives she voices.

She throws the knife across the room, right between two of the squids tentacles, sticking it quivering into the wall.

Kicking herself free of the bag she stands and walks to the bar, asking for vodka in a loud voice and denouncing "those who betrayed the revolution" in one still louder.

He watches, quietly sippling his rock-and-rye....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 12:09 PM

Liz's blue tit flutters down from the rafters and lands on Mrs. Clause's hat.

Carolling voices are heard outside the northern door, their feet crunching in the snow. Their choice of song is nontraditional.


My mistress is a shuttlecock composed of cork and feathers
Each battledore sits on her deck and bumps her on the leather,
But cast her off which way you will, she recoils to another still
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

My mistress is a tennis ball composed of cotton fine,
She's often struck against the wall and banded underline,
But if you would her wish fulfil You'd pop her in the hazard still,
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

My mistress is a virginal, and little cost will string her
She's often reared against the wall for any man to finger,
But if you would my mistress please you'd run division on her keys
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

My mistress is a cunny fine and of the finest skin
And if you'd care to open her the best part lies within,
Yet in her cunny burrow may two tumblers and a ferret play
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

My mistress is a tinder box, would I had such a one,
Her steel endureth many a knock both by the flint and stone,
And if you stir the tinder much the match will fire at the touch
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

But why should I my mistress call a shuttlecock or bauble,
A virginal, or tennis ball? Which things are variable,
But to commend I'll say no more: my mistress is an arrant whore
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 01:06 PM

"Er..Maam? I have some fine lemon vodka here if that would help, I was about to put it in the mulled cider, but I think your need is probably greater." gnomad waves the bottle, he is careful not to smile in case it would be anti-revolutionary. The newcomer appears to dislike anti-revolutionary behaviour.

He ferrets in his pack again (could this be the source of the other sudden arival?) and triumphantly draws from it a monstrous bottle of grappa.."I'll be glad to stop lugging this one around."..he dips, stirs, and tastes in the now-established routine. The quaver in his voice is attributable to the Aurochs chile, honest, "This will be ready in just a moment, folks..just keep it away from flames and sparks." he upends the grappa bottle into the vat and goes over to the bar to badger Mmario for some cloves.

En route he passes GUEST, who is singing lustfully. "Aaah..Stranger? There's is some rude mulled cider if that would please you, and if you feel up to it perhaps we could have Oyster Nan to follow?" he shuffles on towards the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 03:27 PM

Karbeep? Anudder pleesh.

(_)?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 06:17 PM

"Sorry to keep you waiting, been getting cloves for the mulled cider. I see you've tried the red wine and the beer in that (_) but the handle seems to be loose. Shall I provide one of ours, yes a quart pot of course..and what would you like in it..can I tempt you to try the cider?"

He waves the ladle in what he considers an encouraging fashion, and succeeds in knocking a bowl of snails off the bar. They scatter noisily on the floor, attracting the attention of the duck, who moves in for the kill.

"Quick, help me shell these before the duck gets 'em. He's welcome to eat them but if he gets a whole one..well it ain't pretty." They scrabble on the floor, but are unable to get to all the escapees before the lady in red siezes the gnomad by the scalp.

"More Vodka, capitalist running dog!"

"I expect there's some behind the bar, but I don't know that brand. If you slip behind the bar, Maam, I mean Comrade, you can choose your yourself. Excuse me for the moment please, I need to rescue some oppressed masses for, I mean from, exploitation." he doesn't smile, nor does she. Her grip relaxes, and she stomps behind the bar. The gnomad drops to the floor, and grabs for the last snail but is beaten to it by the duck.

"Oh well, there's a warning not to get too closed behind him. Yes I'll bring the cider over, and thanks for the help with the snails, though I fear we didn't quite get them all. Have you tried the chocolate-dipped krill yet, any good?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 06:59 PM

Sage walks out to her pickup, opens the camper shell, and pulls out 2 gallons of apple cider fresh from a friend's cider mill. Back inside she pulls out another large pot, empties the jugs into it, follows with a handful of mulling spices, then turns it on low on a burner way at the side and the back of the industrial stove. A little augmentation is good, but the brew that Gnomad has conconcted has a greenish fog floating over it that would make John Carpenter proud. There are occasional little sparks emanating from the tainted pot, evidence that Gluon probably had a paw in the adulteration of this brew.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 07:03 PM

Four bottles of Stoli later, the woman starts to weep maudinly.

"Oh, hell. Why did I bother to overthrow that Capitalist Oppressor and free the elves from his iron hand? The ungrafetul...unGRATEful little bassards...din't do nothin' but FREE 'em...tried to make a wokrers padarise and see what happens...jis a buncha foo towt high mothe...."

And just then, the door to the deck opened and in walked the bearded man in the Carharts, his face somewhat smudged with what appears to be various shades of lipstick. He takes in the weeping woman in a moment, stops dead, and exclaims, "Oh, hell. Hortense Louise? Is that you??"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 07:43 PM

The sparks take effect on the cider vat, and the green fog vanishes, replaced by the steady flame of burning alcohol, gnomad frowns. "Well that's a bit of a waste, but I did warn no sparks..reminds me, I meant to keep back a bit of that grappa for lighting the primus stove..still waste not, want not."

He approaches the sword-wielding barbecuist "Would you like to take over this here fire-pot? You will be able to cook a lot of sausages, and can drink the fuel if you're careful. What is that thing anyway, some kind of black pudding?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 11:13 PM

Sage drops a few cloves into the cider on the stove, then takes a dipper of the adulterated cider to taste for comparison. She coughs and her eyes water.

Whoa! Rocket fuel. Are you trying to solve the energy crisis with this stuff?

Tossing the rest of the cider to the side, she doesn't notice that the flaming liquid has landed on the pet food near the tree; the cat food burns and heats the adjacent corn. Too late, she realizes the golden kernels sent by the Mudcat benefactor are popcorn. A small artillery section seems to have entered the tavern, as the popcorn kernels jump everywhere, landing in drinks and food and on sleeping animals and drunks.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 13 Dec 05 - 06:33 PM

The sound system crackles to life in the bar and the strains of Stan Freberg's "Green Christmas" fill in once the carollers move on.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 03:23 AM

gnomad eases his way over to where Mrs Clause's knife is stuck in the wall, he tugs it free, and pops it into the washer.

"Good blade that, but might be safer here for a few hours" he returns to his own table, crunching through popcorn, and not obviously moved by the loss of the cider.

The badger sitting at the table, however, does move him "Wh..?" the question dies on his lips, but the badger answers anyway.

"Should have asked nicely for the cloves, not badgered him..and don't ferret in your pack either. Anything animal-related is going to cause you trouble, it just gives the techies ideas"

gnomad slumps into his chair, and eyes the badger, that it should speak is less disturbing than the clothes it wears.

"Abandonned your quest have you? I sent you here so you didn't have to try the pass, and could get straight to Kansas. Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?"

gnomad look guilty, and silently retrieves the banner, which he re-attaches to his pack. He makes for the washroom door.

"No sneeking back to the Tap&Spile" adds the badger.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 03:56 AM

Returning from the washroom, gnomad has evidently resumed the quest, along with his unsavoury outer garments. Noticing the duck, he is about to ask for the bill, but remembers in time,

"Check, please...Oh on Bert is it?..most kind, please give him my regards" he wonders who Bert can be, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter that much.

"Get a move on, Shrove Tuesday will be on you any time, and if JohnInKansas is going to make you the professor's machine he's going to need at least a day or two."

gnomad heaves on the pack, relieved it is now somewhat lighter. He glares at the badger, deciding that ray-bans and a smoking-jacket is not the look he would choose for himself. The badger has not finished, he is a badger after all.

"and now you want me to tell you where to go." though it is clear gnomad would rather do the telling, "Go through the Kansas door, obviously, and say thank you to these nice people before you do! Maybe sing them a song, but make it quick, not one of your wrist-slitters, and NO Excelsior"

gnomad has had enough of this, also an idea. He focuses on the smoking jacket, which crumbles to ashes, and the badger vanishes. Leaning on the bar, gnomad sings,

Oh, All the money e'er I had,
I've spent it in good company,
And all the harm I've ever done,
Alas it was to none but me,
And all I've done, for want of wit,
To memory now I can't recall,
So fill to me the parting glass,
Goodnight, and joy be with you all.

If I had money enough to spend,
And leisure time to sit awhile,
There is a fair maid in this town,
That surely has my heart beguiled,
Her rosy cheeks and ruby lips,
I own she has my heart in thrall,
So fill to me the parting glass,
Goodnight, and joy be with you all.

Oh, all the comrades e'er I had,
They are sorry for my going away,
And all the sweethearts e'er I had,
They would wish me one more day to stay,
But since it falls unto my lot,
That I should rise and you should not,
I gently rise, and softly call,
Goodnight, and joy be to you all.

He eyes the multicloured row of doors, and picks one. As he lurches out there comes a burst of song, "Oklahoma, where.." the door swings shut, and the aroma begins to disperse.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 05:13 AM

Strange how quickly you can get used to a three high bank of multicoloured, multi-textured, and obviously multi dimensional (by the look of the creature which just poked its head through - not around - THROUGH the pink spotted one) doors.
Geoff the Duck in his heart of hearts KNEW they had not been there when he had last visited the Tavern, but already they felt as though they had been one of the first parts built, with the bar, lounge, kitchens and jello pit simply tacked on as an afterthought, or several afterthoughts. Where was the Minstrels Gallery? Oh yes! it was still just visible behind the Christmas Tree. There seemed to be several eldrich shapes stoking a log fire with red and green tunics, and arguing about new uniforms for their workers co-operative. It looked as if left unchecked they would soon be coming to blows. Perhaps they should just wear checked uniforms?
Perhaps another pint would help?
What a good idea!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 06:43 AM

The squirrel eyed the thronging mass with interest. There were a lot of strange concoctions being drunk and in copious quantities. SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE, and soon by the look of it. The rest rooms were full of strange creatures half man, half beast and half cut. An idea was forming in his small nut bound mind - THE PORTABLE TOILETS!!!
All he had to do was arrange for them to be shipped over, and there were spare reindeer about to pull them. A quick hose down and they would be in business.

Ah! blessed relief, and a chance to make a few bucks.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 12:26 PM

A wooden board with a knife and a piping hot loaf of banana bread filled with this season's pecans appears on the bar.

Let it cool a little first or you'll burn your mouths on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 03:38 PM

You lookin at my pink spotted drawers?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 10:43 AM

hot nuts, spotted drawers. never mind.

I need a drink.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 01:10 PM

Look out for the cider with the fog bank--it has a real kick. Save everyone the task of transporting you--if you're going to serve yourself some, take your mug into the Mudcat Recovery Ward, like down on a bed, then drink it.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 01:11 PM

Proof read proof read proof read. Doesn't amount to much of a double entendre, but like I said, "lie" down on the bed before sampling that drink.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 01:13 PM

And I thought you were going 'Valley girl' on us.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 07:28 PM

The small green door just to the upper right of the large oak panelled one opens a crack and a thin hairy nose pokes around the edge of it. The whiskers at the end of the nose twitch a few times as it sniffs the air. It extends a little further until a pair of bright beady blue eyes can be seen.
The eyes glance furtively about, then the whole head disappears back through the door. A long, but not rat like tail now swings out of the door hole. It is followed by the glistening haunches as the legs scrabble about for a footing. The creature slowly lowers itself until it is hanging by its front paws fron the lower edge of the door frame. It is larger than it first had appeared, the body almost half the height of the large oak door it is about to drop past.
Like a giant lemming, it suddenly abandons caution and lets go completely, landing with a "thud" on the polished floor of the Tavern.
The strange creature sits up, looks around nonchalantly as if it had made a smooth entrance and did not look like the bastard offspring of an anteater and a wallaby. It half hops and half scuttles across the room and is just reaching full speed on its way to the Texas Exit when it hits the edge of the lime jello spilling over the edge of the pit. It is too late to check velocity or to alter direction. The beast suddenly finds itself on a tangent of the lime-scented pool.
It is strange how a particularly determined individual can reach the end of what should be logically possible - the way the coyote following the road-runner still runs in thin air for seconds before plummeting into the canyon. This particular animal shows no such fortitude. It reaches the half way point across the pit, shrieks like a bagpipe and lands spreadeagled iin the green slippery mess.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 07:42 PM


SPLOMPH!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Morticia
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 07:51 PM

Could someone fetch the whatever-it-is out of the jello pit, only, it's shedding? NOT the meat hook, Gluon, it isn't lunch......yes, you have had lunch, yours and everyone elses, I think.......no, it's not pudding either, just fetch it out and open a door.

I don't know which door.....try the spotted one...no, not that one. That one leads to your snack cupboard, doesn't it? My mother didn't raise any eejits, you know.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 10:40 AM

Sage thinks to herself "since no one seems interesting in sustaining the singing I'll just turn on the easy listening holiday Musak station over the PA system--that'll gall 'em into getting their act together!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 01:09 PM

MUSAK????? I just threatened the Customer Service people over at Hannaford's about that damn MUSAK! Turn it off! Turn it off!
"COME they told me
Par RUM PUM PUM PUM
A new born king to see
PAR RUM PUM PUM PUM
Our finest gifts we bring
PAR RUM PUM PUM PUM
To lay before our king..."

Not polite to lay anyone before a new born king. Child abuse I suspect. HMMMM.

Meantime, Alice, Freddie, the calico, the squirrel, the thing in the JELL-O pit and a few ducks join in on the chorus

MEOW Quack QUack Growl Squeak
Quack Quack Growl Squeak
Quack Quack Growl Squeak

"So to honor him
MEOW Quack Quack Growl Squeak
When he comes (BAck to the laying, I guess)
Quack Quack Growl Squeak"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 01:58 PM

Sage observes, not for the first time, that spell-check does nothing for syntax errors. Bangs head against bar, then moves closer (but not too close) to the jello pit to take a look at the creature floundering in it. It resembles a giant sloth. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: jimmyt
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 07:46 PM

A pounding on the door reveals a stranger in a Brown coarse cloth cape and hood pulled down over his beady eyes. He shuffles in, sniffs the air, and announces that he has been informed the Christmas spirit is lacking here, and he intends to cheer up the lot. "Hold this (*!&@#_($*+{_)(Door open for a minute, " he muttered, and went out the door. He returned a few moments later with a spectacular fir tree perfectly shaped and decorated in every color of the rainbow with the oddest ornaments. "As soon as you get used to this beauty, step forward and select a garment from the tree to suit your needs," Boomed the evil smelling stranger in the hood.

As the smoke cleared and the tree was more clearly seen, the oohs and aahs continues as people gathered closer for a look. "Wow", said Liz, "I wonder who would think of decorating an entire Christmas tree with THONGS???" "Surprise!" said jimmyt removing his brown monk's robes to reveal a gold lame' jumpsuit and white shoes and matching belt. "Someone rustle me up a sex on the beach and some fig newtons! I am gonna stay awhile."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 09:09 PM

I'm driving through Indiana on Christmas eve in my old Chrysler "old paint" and my eyes are making spikey halos around the rare and odd street lamp. It looks like I'm running into some nasty weather as a nasty slap of the wiper on each upstroke is making me grit my teeth. The transmission sputters and swears ceaselessly ...ggggdamudamudamudamu... gggggdamu damu damu...The windshield wipers smears a constant veil of ice and oil fighting for superiority clacking in counterpoint to the transmission...ggggdamdamu k damdamu k damdamu gggdamdamu...
Somewhere near the Kentucky border the transmission sizzled with a fffffggggdamdamdamdamfffffffffff and the engine wailed wwwwwwooooaeeEEEeaaaaaee so turned it off, ggg ggg ggg gug. dead.
The sudden quiet and reprieve from the haranguing profanities was heavenly, but desolate. So quiet now I can hear my heart.

Silence. Wind and whistling.

Where am I going to find help this time of night on Christmas eve. The only sign of civilization is a collapsed snow covered fence. No lights. No cars. I can't fix a doorknob, there's no sense even trying to look underneath the hood. Last year in the city the mechanic said he could find parts for this car but it could take up to a year. Something about my car being discontinued after the first hundred cars wouldn't start. ...

Wha is that somebody comin this way. How on earth could anyone be out here? My suppressed thoughts of freezing to death in this Chrysler surfaced for a second. I tried the door but it was frozen shut . I rolled down the window which only went down 3 inches and stuck. My lips puckered through the 3 inch opening and I tried yelling HELLO but it came out HELWOE like some sort of desperate Elmer Fudd.
The snow outlined specter of a man slowly sauntered up and said "howdy".
Silence. I scooted out the other side of the car and got out and said "I think my transmission burned up so I was wondering if there was anywhere around here that I might find a gas station, bus station or a town or anything...um ...by the way I'm Jean Shepard" Silence.

" Zeke's the name"...

Thoughts of a killer on the road filled my mind during the awkward moments of frozen silence.

"Stayere" and Zeke turned and walked away.

In a frigid minute or two, I hear a distinct blum blum blum blum a farm tractor with a homemade plow emerges from the darkness.
Zeke had a chain on the Chrysler and was pulling us while I steered.
Two turns later and we are at the barn. Zeke called out with no more than a loud whisper "boyz, torch". Just then 3 young men were pullin two tanks, one silver and one gold while the third had a coil of something with what looked like a stick of metal incense slightly smoking. "Jesus Christ" Zeke yelled having cut his hand pretty good on the transmission housing and was now wrapping both hands with a rag.

A brilliant light emerged from beneath the Chrysler punctuated by a commotion among some cows and sheep deeper in the barn. In less time than it took to get to the barn, Zeke was done and turned the key. The engined purred, then he put it in gear. There was still a sound but it was something like alleluyalleluyalleluyalleluya.

How much do I owe you, I asked with relief and disbelief in my eyes.
"Nuthin, zonthe house... anyway Walmart done put me outta business years ago." and with a salute type wave he and the boys headed back into the barn.
I protested saying "But its Christmas eve and I owe you..." but they were already out of sight.
Driving out I saw a sign I hadn't seen earlier. Zeke's Garage and Divine Church o Mary.
Back on the road the radio crackled back to life after a year of silence... with Christmas carols that matched the new sound of the transmission in pitch and rhythm. allayluya allayluya allayluya...
Zeke's garage and divine church, jeez what a tax dodge that must have been, but man, its a miracle, old paint has never driven so well.
And I was suddenly humming Christmas carols with the wind and howling and allayuya allayluya transmission purring into the new Christmas night.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 09:52 PM

Over in the corner, he opens his knapsack and pulls out...a model train. Quietly, he begins working on it, hoping to make it run again. Soon, he puts it down and skewers another sausage on his sword and begins toasting it over the coals of the campfire in the middle of the room.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Reliable Narrator
Date: 18 Dec 05 - 10:47 AM

The Storyteller Donuel subsides into silence, sipping a mug of mulled cider and watching the inhabitants as they shift quietly around the room, eating, drinking, constructing toys, but they wait hopefully for more stories or songs.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 05 - 11:25 AM

The MAngy Menagerie Manger Chorus gives up on the Drummer Boy and launches into "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"
...
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You may say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe...

But no one joins in on the chorus so they drift off in different directions. Freddie and Alice take their new found friend, the squirrel, over to the bar and pour him a strong one. "Squirrel Bourbonnaise" whispers Alice and Freddie pours him a double.

"My buddy, my buddy
Nobody quite like you..."
Croons the slightly inebriated vermin, all tail, no fur.

The three lock arms and head for the North Door. "Come on" says Freddie. "There's a nice warm bed at our place. "Awww, you guys are the best" sloshes the squirrel.
And the door shuts carefully behind them.

Alice slips back and grabs some salmon. "Never cared much for squirrel" she purrs. "Too bony. A little salmon, a little wine...nice end to an evening"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 05 - 11:35 AM

SINSULL sighs and calls or the dogs to intervene. Meantime she wanders over to the JELL-O pit and tries to extract the sticky, hairy mess that is barely able to keep itself afloat. "Something in aspic", she muses, grabs it by the scruff of its neck and gives a heave.
Nasty noise like a cow walking in mud, a cry of freedom, and it lands safely on the side of the pool as SINSULL loses her balance and catapults in head first.
]\$##^*&!@#!!! CRAP! I hate Christmas.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 05 - 11:50 AM

The scent of roasting sausage distracts her from her current predicament.
"Is that a Lionel "O" gauge, with engine, tender, boxcar, tank car, flatcar, and caboose. I don't see the original transformer but no, DON'T plug it in! The track (3 rail) is rusted. Get the dirt and dust off the train. But don't plug in the transformer! Don't!"


Note to self: Finish wrapping the goddam presents and stop fooling around.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Dec 05 - 05:00 PM

There's the sound of a low powered motor scooter outside... followed by a knock on the door.

'Who ordered the Christmas Pizza special?'

'What's Christmas Pizza?'

'Deep pan, crisp and even!'






















I'll get me stocking.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Dave Earl
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 04:12 AM

Arriving rather later than others and muttering things about "work" being a four letter word ending in "k", Breton Cap asks is the party still going and have you any real ale left?

Just the ale please I've had enough chocolate.

If you've no ale I'll have a single malt.

Who or what is that lying on the floor over there?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 08:51 AM

Someone charge a round for the entire house on Bert's card, will you? I got to show off my spiffy brand new grand-niece saturday at a party for HRH Albert - she upstaged both Al and Her Majesty Victoria - her first public perforance - and at 8 days old!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 09:06 AM

Eating his toasted sausage and quaffing a flagon of rum, he sits on the floor with his naked blade across his lap, running a model locomotive around and around and saying, "Choochoochoochoo WHOO WHOOO choochoochoo...." until everyone nearby has been driving nuts.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 09:29 AM

With his dog Grommette which seems to be growing 1 cm. per hour, donuel is at the table sketching a picture of Martin Gibson, the haloed Saint of Mudcat, who is depicted spreading love, encouragement and good cheer.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 01:36 PM

Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear oh dear.....

You might want to leave that ladies bathroom for a while... don't use any redneck airfresheners in there....

Can we have a window open please?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 05:16 PM

In another corner, Santa Claus and his wife, Hortense Louise Claus, are busily making up their differences in a very snuggly fashion. Indeed, an onlooker might feel that it was an inspiring performance if anyone was impolite enough to look. Several empty bottles surround their chosen couch.<.i>

And putting his model trains away, wiping the grease and soot off his sword and sheathing it, he finishes off the flagon and falls, face forward, to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 05:21 PM

HEY! Is someone going to get me out of the JELL-O pit?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Dec 05 - 10:31 PM

Sage has finished washing the dogs and they're asleep in the Mudcat Tavern office, curled up in the armchairs. Spying the slimy green badger, she drags it into the same tub and gives it a quick hose off with the showerhead on a hose.

"Thanks! I needed that!" claims the badger, who then ambles back into the tavern. SINS seems to be in the pit, but not enjoying herself, so Sage snags the harness from over near the decorated Silver Fir tree and swings it to where Sinsull can reach it.

"Catch!"

The harness, neglected for the last couple of years, responds to this attention by magically scooping Sinsull out of the pit--and depositing her in the rafters.

Well, think about it. It could be worse. You could find yourself duct taped to the loo like happened to Liz the Squeak a few years back. Good thing they put in fixtures that duct tape doesn't stick to now.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 04:37 AM

I seem to have a bad loo aura..... bad things happen to me in there.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 11:02 AM

Great! Here I am covered with sticky green stuff, stuck in the rafters with an odd assortment of ducks, cats, and god knows what else. Maybe, I will shimmy down the Christmas tree, go home and take a shower - assuming the squirrel isn't loose in the house and being chased up and down the walls. (Grumble)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 11:29 AM

shimmy on down the Christmas tree
it's a jello cover'd world
Sin's hanging there with the birds and beasts
And doesn't want to drop.

Shimmy on down the Christmas tree,
Let the Christmas spirits flow
She'd like to shower when she gets down
so lets not let her go!

you will get a sentimental
Feeling when you see
Sinsull covered with dried up jello
Have a drink and lets get mello!

Shimmy on down the christmas tree....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 12:28 PM

an odd silence pervades the Tavern as all (not yet un-conscious) beings stare upwards into the rafters - from whence small quivering green spheriods threaten to drop towards the floor.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 07:37 PM

Geoff atches in amazement as Sinsull is gently lowered from the rafters and down to a soft padded stool at the bar. He sends a flagon of anber coloured, but deceptively strong ale to comfort and refresh, following a traumatic experience.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 07:44 PM

Geoff hasn't "ATCHED" for some good length of time.....
it brings back memories!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 08:23 PM

The phone rings , but no one answers it , and the Men In Tights are left wondering if there will be any food or booze left when they get in tomorrow ! Work is INDEED the curse of the drinking classes .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 08:23 PM

200 !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 07:10 AM

NUTS!!!!! Said the squirrel, that blasted Leadfingers has done it again. That's twice he's hijacked a perfectly silly thread and tried to turn it into something approaching normal. Ah well, vengeance will be mine for I have plans to start a ladder in those infamous tights which will start to unravel itself in the middle of his big banjo solo thus exposing him to the assembled multitude. Have pity on THEM dear reader for such things should not be seen by those of a nervous disposition.

The squirrel returns to his post by the mobile toilet block ready to hand out carefully counted sheets of toilet paper to those who can afford to pay his exorbitant prices. But then, a bum in need .......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 04:26 PM

It's not paper I need, numbered or not... but something a bit more substantial!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 04:33 PM

I don't think they make portable fire hoses - they need to have a source.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 05:59 PM

He turns in his sleep, his dreams disturbed by other dreams of other dreams he dreamed. Finally, he manages to roll onto his (fortunately sheathed) sword and is rudely awakened by the impression the shell guard makes on his stomach.

He reaches for the empty flagon and finds it empty, tosses it away.

His head hurts, and only another flagon of...let's see...sack will do. Yes. A flagon of sack. The drink of Falstaff. Yeah. A sagon of flack. The very thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 09:47 AM

Sage glances over at the calendar on the wall above the card reader with Bert's number permanently entered in the memory. A well-rounded Scandianvian woman is wearing a skimpy furry outfit and short heeled boots and is posing provocatively with a Stihl chainsaw (or is that Husqvarna?)

Isn't this solstice? Dec. 22?

Rapaire rolls over on his bench and grunts. A loud fart is heard coming from the Mudcat Recovery Ward.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 10:07 AM

6:35 PM YESTERDAY in the UK;
1:35 PM YESTERDAY in Mudcat Time Zone.

So Is the solstice from the time of the solstice for 24 hours, or is it the first day AFTER the solstice, or is it twelve hours on either side of the solstice, or is it the day the solstice occurs?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 10:11 AM

BTW - NEXT year ('o6) the Northern Hemisphere Winter Solstice will occur on the 22nd in the UK but on the 21st in the US.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 12:05 PM

Santa whizzes past on a test run, circles once and lands on the Tavern roof. Pausing only to wipe the reindeer shit from his goggles and drop a practice parcel down the chimney he shakes the reins and takes off once more into the night.

Back at the North Pole Mrs Santa awaits his return and the customary excuses for his lateness. After last year's fiasco with the recovery truck she bought into Reindeer Rescue, no more hoof flats now.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:07 PM

The test parcel bounces into the fireplace, thumps to the hearth, bounces and then finally rolls to Rapaire's feet. The package begins to wiggle and vibrate. . . soon, a claw emerges through a small hole, followed by an animated long nose, and then the creature forces its way out of the bundle. The distinctive yellow highway paint across his nine bands tell a story of a hard life in his younger days.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:10 PM

hey - that thing that just crawled out of the package looks just like the handbasket my Aunt Liz used to have - only alive.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:29 PM

As we watch in wonderment, the animal takes a great deep breath and sort of self-inflates. It peers short-sightedly around the Tavern, extends a claw, scratches its head, moves the claw sideways until it makes contact with a large urn shaped brass spitoon, taps it three times and breaks into SONG.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 03:07 PM

It's an 'aintno'?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 06:29 PM

OOOh, an armoured dildo!!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 07:17 PM

Q: How many Texas A&M Aggies does it take to eat an Armadillo?

A: Two. One to eat it, and one to watch for cars.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 09:22 PM

Slogging back a good drink of sack, he returns to the corner and slides straight down onto the floor, where he sits in dissipated pose, gently drooling, while his spirit takes wing for DC....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 01:18 PM

Meanwhile, the giant squid is feeling neglected so begins the squishy approach to the southern tavern door.

"Barkeep, is there any pickled herring back there? And I'd like a glass of a dry white wine, please."

The room is remarkably quiet, for one so crammed with people and animals. Sort of like the calm before the storm. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Dec 05 - 12:41 PM

The Mudcat Recovery ward has opened again, between the holidays, so calico Clementine can convalesce. Last week she was caught (by the back leg--but luckily no breaks, no broken skin) by Cinnamon (who is now banned to the back of the pickup truck in the Tavern parking lot). Clementine's uninjured except for a dislocated jaw that she got when she bit Cinnamon on the nose. Any extra salmon tidbits from the bar may be put in her little bowl and sent back to her royal behindness, who is curled up in a doughnut-shaped kitty bed that seemed suitable for a kitty to convalesce in.

Cinnamon is contrite and is on antibiotics for cat bite and will also happily accept salmon tribute to her bodacious self (since she managed to crawl under or leap over the back fence three times after the cat-fiasco).

Rapaire managed to leave a snoring holographic image of himself in the corner on the bench while he is in reality off in Pound Laundry for a week.

After a false start, SRS has identified the SS who liberally scattered clues around the 'Cat. Blue tits as red herring--a good one! A bottle of sparkling cider to My Guru Always Said, please, barkeep!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 26 Dec 05 - 01:51 PM

Squid peers short sightedly into the darker recess of the Tavern.
It can see small shapes in a tank.
"Pickled Herring?" he asks quietly.
"Totally soused!" replies the herring in the corner... "Come on in, the alcohol's lovely...!"


Glad to see a familiar old friend, Squid slips into the water and decides whether to join the mutant turtles for a scotch on the rocks at the shallow end, or perhaps to head into the smoking room with the haddock. He takes a glance back into the Tavern where he can see a squirrel roasting its nuts by the fire. Just beyond, where the bank of doors is lit up with fairy lights, he sees Gluon's cousin Muon mooching through the pink spotted door and floating gently to a point equidistant from the floor and the lower beams of the Minstrels Gallery.

Squid thinks "It's time I had a short rest" and slips under the surface leaving a string of bubbles.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Dec 05 - 07:05 PM

If anyone asks, it was me painted the yellow plague cross on the door..... wheel me into the Recovery Ward and hook me up with an IV of cough syrup..... got a stinker of a cold which looks like turning to a chest infection... Limpit has had her cough for nearly 3 weeks now and Manitas has come out in sympathy.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Clementine the Calico kitty
Date: 26 Dec 05 - 09:29 PM

My mistress discovered an abscess on my chest this afternoon, and are taking me to the vet tomorrow hisssssss!. I do like the vet, and don't mind the ride, but when that assistant tries to pick me up, hisssssssssss! I just can't contain myself!

Can I camp out with you on your bed, Liz? I promise to move away if my abscess decides to drain.

Purrrr purrrrr purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 27 Dec 05 - 06:42 AM

'Can I swop that Cider for a bowl of Baileys please? Many thanks for a fine chase!' purred the Stray Tabby as she wound around the Sage's legs. 'Pickled Herring? Got any salmon & scrambled eggs I can take in to Clementine?'

Meanwhile the lone Blue Tit is joined by a Great Tit and a whole colony of Long-Tailed Tits all scrambling for the best positions in the tree and rafters. 'Anyone got any nuts?' sang the avian choir, as they were joined by a Nuthatch

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Dec 05 - 07:20 AM

So if nuthatches eat nuts... what do blue footed boobies eat?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 27 Dec 05 - 05:40 PM

Great Tits?
Blue footed Boobies?
I think I'll just lie low....
Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Dec 05 - 08:11 PM

Hi Lilly Hi Lilly
Hi Low Hi Low
Hi Lilly Hi Lilly Hi Low...
SINS slips into the fish tank in the hopes of dissolving some of the green sticky stuff now totally dried into a glistening coating - a lovely holiday statement actually.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Dec 05 - 12:14 AM

Sins, did you know there is a sauna and a hot shower in the recovery ward? Clementine is in next to them with a pile of old towels to sleep on, letting her wound finish draining before she's allowed near the furniture. She might enjoy your company!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Dec 05 - 07:55 PM

Rapaire should be back pretty soon to remove the hologram long enough to wake up and say something profound. Or at least amusing. But don't get too close if he starts swinging around that sword stick of his.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Dec 05 - 08:07 PM

"It's not easy being green..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 29 Dec 05 - 09:06 AM

So - do we stay here for the New Year's Eve Party or do we do a phaze-shift and start over with a nice clean new Tavern?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Dec 05 - 10:42 AM

Do you know how to do that? Without losing Sinsull in the process? She's so sticky she might disappear with the clutter if you're not careful.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 29 Dec 05 - 11:07 AM

It's as easy as stepping through this door