BS: Culinary Disasters

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:20 PM

Tom Allbright...you are a simple-minded pillock! You look like the proggeny of a daft Irishman wot mated wif a bowlegged donkey! I know your kind...worthless gutter trash wot tries to act way above their station in life, puttin' on airs and bloody well messin' up every bleedin' fing they touches. I w9uldn't trust you to unscrew a light bulb nor would I trust you wif any female crature under the age of majority. YOu are a public disgrace, and I 'ope your momma takes you over 'er knee and wallops you a good one, you creetinous layabout!

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:17 PM

Allow a layer cake to cool before frosting it. Otherwise one layer slides off the other. I did. It did.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Bard Judith
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:07 PM

As a fairly young and adventuresome cook, I added gelatine powder to hot milk - thinking it would result in that creamy fluffy stuff you get in these layered desserts...


(winces just remembering this)

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Sorcha
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:38 AM

I once dropped a rubber spatula in a blender of whirling pesto....
My dad once wanted to take some of the acid out of a pot of tomato based chile.....tossed in a handful of baking soda.....

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: ranger1
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 01:23 PM

A little bit of unpopped popcorn in a hot air popper goes a very long way...

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Peace
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 12:34 PM

If God wanted whisky to be mixed with other things, He would have put it in at the factory.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 10:09 AM

Been there, done that, drunk it!!
G.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,GUEST, Bob L
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 08:34 AM

A disaster not exactly culinary, the only time I ever poured good whisky down the sink was after adding tonic water instead of soda once... .

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:53 AM

I'm past the pasta, I'm a pasta faster
I say holy moly to a plate of ravioli
Won't wear my bikini for cunning linguini
For the scar on my belly I thank tagliatelli
I may be considered by my friends to be petty
But I'm not going to fight with no more spaghetti
You may say "To eat pasta you ought'er"
But last time I did, I got in hot water.
So thank you brothers, thank you sisters
But I don't want any more pasta blisters.
Pass the taters!

G.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,A Slob
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:47 AM

Cooked up a really great looking fluffy omelette with all the green vegie things to impress the new girlfriend. Problem was that beforehand I had used some industrial strength degreaser that they used to sell in the UK (called Gunk if my memory serves me well).
Problem was that I didn't actually taste it before serving up and I must have had a bit of a head cold also cos it smelled and tasted like that stuff you put in chemical porta potties.
Impressed she was not.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,A Slob
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:39 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:34 AM

Recently I had a disaster with pasta (oh it rhymes!)...

I was cooking what was going to be a gorg meal when... I stirred the pasta, got hot water on my hand, pulled it back quickly and managed to scoop up a big scoop of boiling water and flick it all over my stomach...

Result was....I left everything bubbling away, including the sauce, which I hadn't finished seasoning or adding too - to tend to my huge burn.

Meal was a disaster with pasta, pasta overdone and sauce... yuk!...

Have only just got rid of the blister, and not particularly fond of pasta anymore.

E.W.I.S

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,Arne Langsetmo
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:30 AM

There was a time I misread "cups" for "tbsp" when doing a lemon meringue pie recipe. My mother wondered why I had to go to the store for more corn starch. Taste was OK, but the texture....   ;-)

Having learned my lesson, I was the wiser. Not so my brother. Determined to bake a pumpkin pie one year, but having no canned pumpkin, we resolved to use fresh pumpkin instead. But the filling was so liquid (uncooked) that he thought it might use some thickener, and added corn starch. I kept telling him that just a little went a long distance, but he insisted on putting in enough to make a syrup ... uncooked! Needless to say, when it came out of the over, nice fresh pumpkin aroma, but it might have served better as a hockey puck or a frisbee.

Cheers,

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: David C. Carter
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:15 AM

We'er in my mates kitchen,his mother has cooked us lamb chops,spuds and green cabbage.My friend is having a little trouble cutting his green cabbage.Meantime,his mother is walking up and down mumbling,"What the hell have I done with the scouring pad?".

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 08:31 PM

"There are no culinary disasters. This was a creative attempt to add variety and interest to our customary but somewhat monotonous routine of family meals, and you should appreciate the extra effort applied to providing you with this delicacy."










"NOW SHUT UP AND EAT IT!"

"The hammer's in it's usual place in the drawer if you need to break the bit of crust off...."

John

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: bfdk
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 07:04 PM

LOL Mrs. Olive, you really made my day ;-)

Well, way back, when my cousin (now a strapping 35-year-old) was still a toddler, my uncle was in the recently refurbished kitchen making him a dish of mashed liver in the blender. This was in the day and age before blenders were fitted with safety devices making sure that the lid is always securely in place, before the thing is willing to turn on.

So, when uncle forgot to put the lid on and just flipped the button, the blender started doing, what blenders are designed to do, and the contents of the container were splattered all over the kitchen - walls, cupboards and ceiling alike. Uncle spent the rest of the day cleaning the kitchen - with NO help from his furiuos "better half" ;-))

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,Mesquite
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 06:16 PM

Never microwave hard-boiled eggs. It doesn't work right. And if you heat up Campbell's soup with one, don't do it in the can.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Pistachio
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 06:13 PM

I can burn salad me!

I advise I should stay in the kitchen and not multi- task when cooking under the grill. My daughter knows "tea 'was' ready" when she hears our smoke detector!

Well said Moses.

H.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 06:08 PM

TWO winners, Janie!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: gnu
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 04:33 PM

Oh my!!! Poor child!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Janie
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 04:25 PM

We couldn't figure out why my nephew kept crying and crying until Mom remembered she had been cleaning cayenne peppers just before she changed his diaper.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Janie
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 04:21 PM

Well, the bisquit and the chocolate chip cookie recipes were on the same page.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: gnu
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 04:06 PM

I was twelve years old. I was to have supper on the table when Mum and Dad got home. One night, I cooked Johhny Cake (cornbread) and sausages. It smelled delicious. My old man took the first bite. His face screwed up and he made for the garbage can, spat it out, turned to me and asked, "What the hell did you put in that?"

Unfortuately, there is a difference between Baking Powder and Soda Powder.... I learned it that day. "Meat and potatoes" from then on.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 03:56 PM

It might indeed...I know *I* wouldn't bother you again soon, Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 01:34 PM

Do not use raw garlic buds as suppositories. Never. Trust me on this. It'll get things moving, but not in a way you'll like. Crushed raw garlic buds are even worse, but if you're in a hurry....they WILL get you moving.

You got a vampire to deal with? Fill a shotgun with buckshot and raw garlic buds and give him both barrels. He won't be back soon.

I'm not sure if wasabi works for this, but it might.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: MMario
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 01:31 PM

When the little black specks on the potato chips (crisps to East Ponders) move off the dish by themselves they really ARE ants - not bits of spices.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 01:19 PM

discovered 45 years ago:
When making turkey dressing, it is good to know the difference between a clove of garlic and a bud of garlic.

If you don't, it is good to have volunteers and several pair of tweezers......

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GLoux
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 12:08 PM

"They're not bugs, they're thyme leaves," says dad as he eats his soup.

Son says, "Do thyme leaves have antennae?"

20 quarts of turkey soup went down the drain...bugs in the pasta box...

-Greg

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Sooz
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 09:43 AM

Salt instead of sugar in the custard spoiled a beautiful cherry pie.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Sorcha
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 09:31 AM

Leave the shortening out of pie dough.....twice in a row.
Forget the yeast in bread dough.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 07:24 AM

First 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' take away in UK..Someone purchased a Kentucky fried mouse......bit into it and the tail flopped out....
I believe this is not Urban legend but true.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 06:16 AM

Newlywed culinary thrombosis* wife (previous, NOT current) yells from from kitchen
"How do I tell if my boiled egg is cooked"
Self, using heavy Irony from Dining room,
" Stck a fork in it like potatos"
She did and the mess had to be seen to be believed!!!!





* a Clot in the kitchen

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 05:14 AM

Using icing sugar instead of flour to make a roux for a cheese sauce!
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 05:04 AM

Curry made to taste right when in the midst of a cold!
I froze half of it, and had some a week later. I coulds taste again a week after that.

Duck cassarole, made like chicken cassarole. Duck's rather fattier and stronger tasting.

And about a quater of my chocolate creations, which end up far too rich to be eaten without help from 20 people....

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Hrothgar
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 04:25 AM

I have eaten many things that others might regard as culinary disasters. Had to - I cooked 'em, and it was that or go hungry.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Moses
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 03:28 AM

One of the few times a little prick comes in handy - when cooking eggs in the microwave

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 02:22 AM

You cannot hard boil eggs in a deep fryer.

I'm not making this up, you know...

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Kaleea
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 11:57 PM

That's one of the funniest restaurant stories I've ever heard--er, read!

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 11:04 PM

I recall the time me and Eddie ate at the Japanese restaurant. Me Eddie 'ad not seen Japanese food before and 'e fought the green wasabi stuff was salad dressin', so 'e up and popped a spoonful of it into 'is mouth! Me Eddie loves salad dressin'. Well! You should've seen it. 'E gives a startled sorta of grunt and 'alf staggers up out of 'is chair! The chair creaks alarmin'ly as Eddie's 'ands fly up to 'is face, and 'e starts turnin' a deep shade of red right to 'is 'airline. 'Is gruntin' changes to a sort of inner groainin' and 'yperventilatin' and the tears is pourin' from
'is eyes, which is buggin' out most 'orrible.

"My Gawd! Me 'usband's 'avin' an 'eart attack!" I yells out.

Lit'tle Japanese people come runnin' from all sides, wavin' their lit'tle arms around and jabberin'.

Me Eddie gasps desperately and staggers around, knockin' over tables and chairs. 'E siezes a full pitcher of ice water and tilts 'is 'ead back and pours it full in 'is face. Poor Eddie did not realize that water makes the wasabi 'orseradish 'otter than ever! As the water 'its the wasabi in 'is mouth, Eddie utters a screamin', 'owlin' sound that freezes the blood of all the people in the restaurant. The Japanese staff shrink back before the terrible spectacle just loik in them Godzilla movies.

Eddie yells again like a madman and hurls the water jug across the bar where it crashes into a million bits amongst many bot'tles of Sake and other such 'ard liquor. Pandemonium reigns as Eddie stumbles and lurches about the restaurant in a frenzy, leavin' devastation in 'is wake. 'E 'eads for wot 'e finks is the loo, but instead it's the kitchen! At the entrance, Eddie collides wif a Japanese lad wot is bringin' out several trays of 'ot food, and the 'ole lot of it goes flyin'. It looks like a Peter Sellers scene from the Pink Panther.

Eddie, now blinded by the effects of the killer wasabi reels to 'is left and crashes bodily frough the flimsy drywall into the washrooms, panickin' several people 'oo precipitately abandon their various private ablutions and run out to the street. In the washroom Eddie purges 'isself mightily in one of the basins. I've 'eard worse sounds, but I carn't say I remember when.

Well, 'e sort of recovers 'imself after a bit, and eventually comes out of the washroom (frough the door this time) and looks around loik a man 'oo 'as emerged from a bombed-out ruin, all disheveled and 'aggard like.

"Olive," 'e says, gaspin'. "Olive, we are goin' 'ome. Now."

And so we did. Frankly, I fink they was glad to see us go. I 'aven't been back and I ain't 'eard from them either. No news is good news, I figure. I asked the neighbours to tell 'em we 'ad moved to Ireland suddenly and unexpectedly if they ever came round seekin' damages.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: GUEST,bardford
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 10:29 PM

While pumpkin seeds (in the shell, no less) in the supermarket bulk bin may look kinda like blanched almonds , they do have a different taste and texture, and ought not to be substituted for same in baking...

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: jimmyt
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 10:21 PM

Check the barley for weavels (even though you just bought the barley today), before serving cock-a-leekie soup to guests...full of bugs.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Peace
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 09:13 PM

The fried eggs didn't turn out so good.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:46 PM

"What you mean "we", Green Frosting?"

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Peace
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:38 PM

"wasabi"

Hey, isn't that what Tonto called the Lone Ranger?

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:35 PM

Hahahahahahhhhh!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:17 PM

The little pile of green frosting on the carrot round that comes with the sashimi is NOT frosting -- it's wasabi, and it's open your sinuses right up if you taste it all by itself.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:07 PM

I also had an adventure with the salt shaker at the Chinese restaurant. The top came off and a whole shaker full of salt went straight into my egg drop mushroom soup...along with the shaker top, of course.

They saw it happen, and hurriedly brought me another bowl of soup and another salt shaker, which I examined quite carefully this time before using.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:01 PM

A lost bandaide in the Thanksgiving stuffing. Nasty.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: Peace
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 07:21 PM

Yeah. And any cake made by Sara Lee. Even if it hit the rug.

Subject: RE: BS: Culinary Disasters
From: bobad
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 07:16 PM

1970, communal living, 4 or 5 stoners, 3:00 A.M. doing a bakery trip, pies to be specific, one of which (bannana cream if my memory serves me well) doesn't make it from oven to table and ends up on the floor, whereupon said stoners descend upon it with forks drawn. Ah! the good old days.