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BS: First Joke thread for 2006

Dave Hanson 14 Aug 06 - 07:20 AM
The Fooles Troupe 14 Aug 06 - 12:18 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 04 Aug 06 - 11:17 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 04 Aug 06 - 11:16 AM
Bill D 03 Aug 06 - 03:25 PM
Bill D 03 Aug 06 - 03:24 PM
Bill D 03 Aug 06 - 03:13 PM
wlisk 03 Aug 06 - 01:28 PM
Jim Dixon 03 Aug 06 - 10:33 AM
Amos 02 Aug 06 - 07:22 PM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Jul 06 - 09:26 AM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Jul 06 - 09:24 AM
Mrrzy 20 Jul 06 - 08:00 PM
Bill D 20 Jul 06 - 05:21 PM
Wesley S 20 Jul 06 - 03:17 PM
GUEST 19 Jul 06 - 09:48 AM
wlisk 18 Jul 06 - 09:51 AM
Rman 18 Jul 06 - 05:32 AM
GUEST,Ralphie 30 Jun 06 - 11:04 AM
Roger the Skiffler 30 Jun 06 - 08:49 AM
HuwG 02 Jun 06 - 07:50 PM
Splott Man 02 Jun 06 - 07:55 AM
ToulouseCruise 01 Jun 06 - 11:25 AM
The Fooles Troupe 31 May 06 - 07:08 PM
GUEST,jason elliott from fivemiletown in northern 31 May 06 - 08:36 AM
GUEST,shaun oshea 31 May 06 - 08:34 AM
GUEST,rennie 31 May 06 - 08:28 AM
wlisk 27 May 06 - 11:40 PM
The Walrus 27 May 06 - 04:06 AM
Uncle_DaveO 26 May 06 - 09:37 PM
Uncle_DaveO 26 May 06 - 04:03 PM
Uncle_DaveO 23 May 06 - 11:09 AM
autolycus 22 May 06 - 02:47 AM
heric 22 May 06 - 02:18 AM
Uncle_DaveO 21 May 06 - 08:45 PM
Uncle_DaveO 21 May 06 - 08:43 PM
autolycus 21 May 06 - 12:31 PM
Folkiedave 21 May 06 - 11:35 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 May 06 - 05:17 PM
Mrrzy 04 May 06 - 08:38 PM
GUEST,Mrr 03 May 06 - 03:06 PM
Wesley S 03 May 06 - 02:15 PM
autolycus 25 Apr 06 - 05:49 PM
clairerise 14 Apr 06 - 05:19 AM
Roger the Skiffler 13 Apr 06 - 09:33 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 29 Mar 06 - 02:43 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 29 Mar 06 - 02:28 PM
GUEST,Larry K 29 Mar 06 - 11:29 AM
Bill D 29 Mar 06 - 11:05 AM
Metchosin 29 Mar 06 - 10:23 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 07:20 AM

Breaking news.............A two seater Piper Cherokee has crashed into a cemetary just outside Dublin.............so far the emergency services have recovered one hundred and three bodies.

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:18 AM

Second Joke thread for 2006


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:17 AM

Hear about the Policeman that married a Prostitute?
He dragged her down to his level.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:16 AM

Since cod-Scots dialect hus intirrrd ra threid, whit aboot this ane:

Wee wifie tellin hurr pal that she's wint tae the Doacturr, an he's tauld hurr she's pregnunt. Hurr pal asks hurr,
"Huv ye hud a check-up?"
"Naw," wis the ansurr, "it wis a wee Glesga fella."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:25 PM

Did anyone notice that an anagram of George Bush is "He bugs Gore"?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:24 PM

TAE A FERT

Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter a feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind
The neeps an tatties an mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blowin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonna have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum tight tae yer chair
Tae try an stop the reekin air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry
A'body roon about me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis it him I shout wi accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout an stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fer me
Whit a fuss at Rabbies perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:13 PM

The following were (supposedly) answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered the radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 01:28 PM

LIVING WILL

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were
discussing dying. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in
a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smartass.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 10:33 AM

Monica Lewinsky took her blue dress to a dry cleaner, and told the clerk she needed it by Friday.

The clerk was hard of hearing, so he asked, "Come again?"

She said, "No, orange juice."

—told by Phyllis Diller in the film, "The Aristocrats"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Amos
Date: 02 Aug 06 - 07:22 PM

"The Purina Diet"

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told
her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
& that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it
was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and
a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.



(Author unknown)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:26 AM

"Three Things You Need To Survive"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy
scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things
you should bring with you in case you
get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several
hands went up, and many important things
were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly
raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of
water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is
to find the right direction, the water is to
prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?"
asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing
Solitaire, someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:24 AM

"Aptitude Test"

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant,
so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how
many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit
at home now!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 08:00 PM

What's 18 inches long, blue, and makes women scream? (Apologies in advance....)












-Crib death...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 05:21 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 03:17 PM

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
..................................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
.................................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 09:48 AM

You are in a two seater car and you have a fire-engine alongside you doing the same speed.

Behind you is a police car doing the same speed.

In front of you is a galloping pig.

What do you do next?

Get off the kiddies roundabout you're drunk.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 09:51 AM

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs?

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the
edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really
trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he "Would you like a
juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or
maybe a rotisserie chicken?

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm
starving."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Rman
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 05:32 AM

A truck driver comes upon a priest hitch-hiking at the roadside so he stops to give him a ride..

After a few miles the truck driver sees a lawyer at the roadside and, forgetting that the priest is with him, he swerves towards the lawyer.

At the last moment he remembers the priest and swerves to avoid the lawyer. The truck driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me father!"

The priest replies "Don't worry my son. I got him with the door."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 30 Jun 06 - 11:04 AM

How do you greet a drunk Italian....

Hi Tiddly Eyetie.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 30 Jun 06 - 08:49 AM

A teacher walked into the class and said, "Today children we are going to do some maths problems. Tell me, Billy, if three birds are on the fence and you shoot one of them, how many would be left?"

Billy replied, "None. The shot bird would fall to the ground and the other two birds would be frightened away by the noise".

The teacher said, "The actual answer is two, but I like the way you are thinking."

"Let me ask you a question," said Billy. "Three women are eating a lollipop. One is licking it, one is crunching it and one is sucking it. Which of the three women is married?"

"I am not sure, Billy. I'll say the one who is sucking it," said the teacher.

"No", said Billy, "the correct answer is the one that is wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you are thinking!"

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: HuwG
Date: 02 Jun 06 - 07:50 PM

After Gene Pitney died while on tour in Cardiff, his family telephoned the undertakers, to ask when the body could be returned to the US for burial at home.

They replied, "It depends what you want us to use for the coffin (casket). If you want us to do it in oak, it'll take seven days. But it's only, 24 hours from balsa ...".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Splott Man
Date: 02 Jun 06 - 07:55 AM

And Cpt Kirk has a final front ear...

but Davey Crockett was King of the Wild front ear...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 01 Jun 06 - 11:25 AM

BREAKING NEWS:

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 May 06 - 07:08 PM

I thought only Davy Crocket had a Wild Front Ear.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,jason elliott from fivemiletown in northern
Date: 31 May 06 - 08:36 AM

wot do u call a person with 3 ears?

a human

ha


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,shaun oshea
Date: 31 May 06 - 08:34 AM

how do u no a catholic is lookin through a key hole?

you can see both his eyes.

ha ha


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,rennie
Date: 31 May 06 - 08:28 AM

wots the lightest thing in the world?

a penis, even a thought can lift it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 27 May 06 - 11:40 PM

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"



George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."



"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"



"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Walrus
Date: 27 May 06 - 04:06 AM

I'll apologise in advance.

Walrus



A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just
continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so! .
< BR>Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out
what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ....." he replied -
*
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*
* "......... she sells C cells by the sea shore"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 06 - 09:37 PM

"Important Person"

On a bookstore display shelf, my five-year-old daughter spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him," she said.

Surprised she recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States."

"I know he was important," she agreed.

"How did you know that?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 06 - 04:03 PM

"Job Creations:
How The Government Functions"

Once upon a time the government had
a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from
it at night." So they created a night watchman
position and hired a person at $18,000.00
a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the
watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and
hired two people, one person to write the
instructions for $22,000.00, and one person
to do time studies for an additional
$22,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the
night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department
and hired two people. One to do the studies
for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports
for an additional $31,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people
going to get paid?" So they created the following
positions, a time keeper for $35,000.00 annual
salary, and a payroll officer for an additional
$35,000.00, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable
for all of these people?" So they created an
administrative section and hired three people,
an Administrative Officer at $155,000.00 per
year, Assistant Administrative Officer
$125,000.00, and a Legal Secretary for an
additional $100,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this
operating for one year with a budget cost of
$574,000.00 and we are approximately $18,000
over budget. We must cutback overall costs until
we can get a tax increase to balance our budget."

So they laid off the night watchman.......


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 06 - 11:09 AM

"A Retired Husband"

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months your husband, Mr.
Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of
behavior and have considered banning the
entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from the trouble your husband has caused. All
complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.

Wal-Mart Complaint Department MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people's carts when
they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....
and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and
asked to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can
help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security
camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his
nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in
the hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department,
practiced his "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and
when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement
came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room,
shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled,
very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 22 May 06 - 02:47 AM

Oh,ok, young children, then.




    Two women friends meet after quite a while, one of them pushing a buggy, two little ones aboard.

    "So, how old are the children?," asks one.

    The mother replies,"The doctor is two, and the accountant is three."




      Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: heric
Date: 22 May 06 - 02:18 AM

Little Jon went for a walk one summer afternoon with his grandpa, which they liked to do. At one point Jonnie blurted out "Grandpa, look at those two dogs! That's not right!!" His grandfather looked, and, as he wasn't authorized to enter that discussion, he thought quickly, and was quite proud of hmself for thinking quickly: "Jonnie. That's all right. That dog at the back has hurt his paw, see? He may have stepped on a thorn or some broken glass, even. The other dog is is friend, helping him to walk back to his owner."

But Jonnie got a sad look. His little lower lip started to quiver, and he saud "Oh, grandpa, that's so terrible." "Terrible? repeated his grandpa. "Why? What's so bad about that?"

"Oh," said Jonnie, "you go to help someone, and you get fucked in the ass."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 06 - 08:45 PM

"2 Drops Every 4 Hours"

My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him,
and he determined right away that the baby had
an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.
In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right
ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right"
as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned
with her baby, complaining that the baby still had
an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 06 - 08:43 PM

"Expected Baby"

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling
his first-grade teacher about the baby
brother or sister that was expected at his
house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to
feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed,
but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending
event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and
said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that
baby brother or sister you were expecting at
home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 21 May 06 - 12:31 PM

The husband of 40 years is explaining the success of the marriage.


   "When we married, we decided I'd make all the big decisions and my wife would make all the small ones.

   "So I decide whether we invade Iraq, what to do about taxes, whether we should change subside regulations and so on. My wife decides where we'll live, where we go for holidays, which schools the children ......................"




    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 21 May 06 - 11:35 AM

A senior partner in a Sheffield law firm went pheasant hunting in rural Dungworth, north-west of Sheffield. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am a senior partner in a large law firm in Sheffield and, if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Dungworth. We settle small disagreements like this with the Dungworth Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The senior partner quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the pheasant."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 06 - 05:17 PM

"Interoffice Memo"
(reportedly real, Snopes is inconclusive)

Subject: Mmm-mmn-good

A woman at our interactive advertising agency
had recently returned from her maternity leave
when she sent the following e-mail:

Whoever used the milk in the small plastic
container that was in the refrigerator yesterday,
please do NOT own up to it. I would find it
forever after difficult to meet your gaze across
a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion
about java applets or brand identity.

Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY
for my son if you get my drift. I will label these
things from now on, but if you found your
coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this
morning, you might think about calling your
mom and telling her you love her.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 06 - 08:38 PM

What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus? He stole the show!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 03 May 06 - 03:06 PM

What did the shy pebble say? (Wish I were a little bolder...)

What did the sea say to the shore? (Nothing; it just waved...)

I'll send the rest when I remember them...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 03 May 06 - 02:15 PM

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 05:49 PM

A vicar and a rabbi used to meet each wednesday on their bikes.

One wed.,the vicar riding along, comes upon the rabbi on foot.

"where's your bike,rabbi?"

"Dunno. Just dunno."

"Well I lost my bike once so the following sunday, instead of my sermon,I read out the ten commandments. Coming out of church after the service, there was my bike. Obviously 'Thou shall not steal' pricked someone's conscience."

"I'll try it,"thus the rabbi.

The following wed., the vicar, cycling al;ong, meets the rabbi back on his bike.

"I see you've got your bike back.Did you try the sermon idea?,"asked the vicar.

"I certainly did, and when I got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery, ' THEN I remembered where I'd left it."


   ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: clairerise
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 05:19 AM

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 09:33 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll about in agony.

The woman rushed to the man and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence however, he finally
allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked," How does that feel?"

He repied, "It feels great...............but my thumb still hurts like
hell."


RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 02:43 PM

Sorry! The second woman should have snogged him !!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 02:28 PM

3 women walking along the beach when they see a man lying on a beach-towel. He has no arms or legs

Feeling sorry fr him the fist woman asks him if he's ever had a hug

"No!" says the guy - so she hugs him

Second woman says "Have you ever been hugged?"

"No!" He says expectantly - So she hugged him

Third woman asks him if he's ever been f*cked

"No!" he says almost beside himself with delight

She says "You will be when the tide comes in!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 11:29 AM

An Irishman goes to confessional and says, “Father, I’ve sinned. I’ve committed adultery against my wife.”
The Father says “To give you forgiveness, I need to know the name of the person you committed adultery with.”
The Irishman says, “I can’t tell you that, Father.”
The Father says, “Was it Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man says, “No, it wasn’t, Father.”
The Father says, “Was it Mrs. O’Callaghan?”
“No, it wasn’t Father.”
The Father says, “Was it Mrs. O’Shaughnessy?”
“No, it wasn’t Father. I can’t tell you who it was.”
The Father says, “Then I can’t give you forgiveness.”
The man leaves the confessional and runs into a friend who asks, “Did you get forgiveness from the Father?”
The man replies, “No, but I got a bunch of good leads.”


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 11:05 AM

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died...]

1st woman: "I froze to death."
2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the room watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both be alive..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 10:23 AM

Received this in an email...gave me a chuckle....

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ ”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?’ ”

Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, “You little shit! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally, someone throws an eraser at Pedro. Someone shouted “Duck!”

Teacher asked, “Who said that?”

Pedro: “Dick Cheney, 2006!”


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