BS: First Joke thread for 2006

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:11 PM

Tommy Shaunessy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the Irish whiskey forever."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared just ahead.
Tommy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:31 PM

another song...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: cobber
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:15 AM

Damn. I was just going to book a ticket to Guam in the hope of a job

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Fidjit
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:50 AM

Hear about the Jew that had his pullover nicked?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 07:49 AM

Salesmanship

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 12:49 PM

See, a guest can be worthwhile sometimes. lol.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 05:51 PM

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 05:57 PM

Chinese Sayings

"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."

"Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok."

"Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked around."

"Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War not determine who right. War determine who left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand"

"Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:01 PM

Joey....don't forget this one...


Man who has sex on ground get piece (peace) on earth.




Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:09 PM

Daddy's Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,coltish ankle
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:10 PM

Cat's Diary

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was, hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:11 PM

Men Are

Men are like... Laxatives... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like... Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like... Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like... Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like... Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:15 PM

Screw

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:55 PM

Two blokes sitting on a park bech for a few hours in silence.

Then one sighs a big, deep sigh.

The other responds,"You can say That again."

Auto.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 08:47 PM

Men are like public toilets. The nice ones are always engaged and the rest are full of crap.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Larkin
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 08:48 PM

A   couple who work in the circus have been trying to have a baby to no avail so they go to adopt a child. In the interview they are asked about their jobs - he says that he's a clown in and that he works with kids and what a great place the circus is to grow up in . She says she's a tightrope walker and altough the adoption officer is worried about her safety, she reassures him. So says the interviewer," do you want a girl or a boy"-- He says "we're not really bothered as long as it fits in the Cannon!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Feb 06 - 09:27 AM

Old couple in church. She says to the husband "Oh, I've just released a silent fart, what should I do?." He replied, "Get batteries for your hearing aid."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Feb 06 - 12:51 PM

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble?"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing?"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark?"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not?"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!" Some days I feel like that too! Giok

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: robomatic
Date: 10 Feb 06 - 02:29 PM

Mohammed goes into this bar and...





...the cartoon on the wall doesn't look at all like me!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 12:01 PM

"The Football Hero"

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,AMus
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 02:30 PM

robomatic, I expect you believed you were funny and not a flamer

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 02:33 PM

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 07:57 PM

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Feb 06 - 05:17 PM

This one goes down well in a warehouse,u.k. setting.

The Bulgarian chief of police calls in his assisstant, gives him a human skeleton and says,"See what you can get on this skeleton."

The assistant goes off.
He doesn't return for the rest of that day.


Nor the following day.




Nor the day after that.


He returns, the day after that, looking as exhausted as it's possible to be.

The Chief says to him,"Well you took your time. Nevermind.

"Did you get anything on the skeleton."
His assistant says,"Yup......














"He confessed !!"



Auto.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,coltish ankle
Date: 15 Feb 06 - 01:29 PM

Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you."

"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"

"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night."

"Yore a VIRGIN??"

"That's right. Please be gentle."

"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"

With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.

"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"

"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the heck you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the heck ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere?"

"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"

"A VIRGIN?"

"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the heck outta there as fast as I could!"

"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 06 - 01:55 PM

I would of course tell you the one about the nun on the clowns back but it's 'virgin' on the ridiculous'!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 17 Feb 06 - 09:18 AM

I thought this one might appeal to El Swanno & Catspaw, given Tris' affection for fire engines:

The Fireman is out cleaning the fire engine at the local station when a small boy appears sitting on a miniature fire engine and being pulled along by a small dog. The fireman decides to have a word with him,
"That's a nice fire engine you have, its nice and clean as well" he says but then noticed the tow rope was tied round the dogs reproductive organs and said "I think it might go a bit faster if you put that rope around his neck."
The little boy thought for a moment then said "yes I
guess you are right but then I wouldn't have a siren."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 06 - 10:45 AM

Or a fireman friend of mine who introduced his two friends to me and said. "This is my friend Hosea and this is my other friend Hose b.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 19 Feb 06 - 07:02 PM

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman," smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it" The masses bated breath is earshatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says,"Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie" The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you?" To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous".

The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead". The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"B*gger" said the barman,"what from".

The rabbit said...












Mixing Me Toasties!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Feb 06 - 09:27 AM

Oneliners

If you understand something today, it must
be obsolete.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a
grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

When in doubt . . . mumble.

To make a long story short, there's nothing
like the boss walking in.

Samuel Alito: Born on April Fools' Day
and nominated on Halloween. Is that
some kind of omen?

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth
before someone suggests it.

When a man is young, he is so wild, he is
insufferable. When he is old, he plays the
saint and becomes insufferable again.

Just think, this will be somebody's good ol' days.
How sad.

The easiest thing to be in the world is you.

Please, no math jokes. It will only cause
division.

France is a good example of immigration
out of control.

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

If brains were taxed, my spouse would get
a rebate.

I was born free, but now I'm expensive.

Evian flu? I knew that fancy bottled water
was gonna cause a problem!

Unless I can vote in the nude, buying jeans
and a T-shirt sounds like a poll tax to me.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a
picture is worth a thousand words, how
dangerous is a fax?

Despite the liberal use of holy water, chanting
and even garlic, my Corvette keeps getting
repossessed.

A pat on the back, though only a few vertebrae
removed from a kick in the pants, is miles
ahead in results.

Suicide bombers prove again that women
are smarter than men.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the
$10 haircut you used to get for five dollars
when you had hair."

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85
dollars. That is why, in the Navy, the Captain
goes down with the ship.

I have a problem with boxing. I don't understand
any sport where a guy who makes $11 million
is called "the loser."

A piece of advice should be like the common cold.
If you've got one, keep it to yourself.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

It's not a 'lost' look you see in my eyes, it's
a 'get lost' look.

Poor Arnold. I guess he's a one-term-inator.

People like you are the reason people like me
need medication.

If people looked like their passport pictures,
few nations would let them in.

Men aren't attracted to me for my mind.
They're attracted to me for what I don't mind.

Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to
be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she
were a real woman, would have no internal
organs because her waist is too small.

I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in
the missing organ department . . .compared to
Ken.

I was always taught to respect my elders but,
it's getting harder and harder to find one.

Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you
hit the ball and someone else chases it.

College prepares the young adult for the business
world. It teaches one how to sit and look interested
for fifty minutes.

I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this
much, he doesn't like it when you join in.

One of the oldest human needs is having
someone to wonder where you are when you
don't come home at night.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make
once.

So, this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: sinpelo
Date: 20 Feb 06 - 12:54 PM

"Stupid Jones"

A psychiatrist was just about to take a lunch break in his surgery when a man burst in unannounced. "Do you have an appointment?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No Doc. But you gotta help me! My life sucks! Everything I try to do goes wrong and `I can't seem to help myself behaving like an idiot......."

The psychiatrist stopped him at that point. "OK OK! First things first. Let's get you registered." he said "Name?"
"Jones" said the patient
"First name?"
"Stupid"
"No" said the psychiatrist "I mean your REAL first name, not a nickname"
"That IS my real name!" said the patient
The psychiatrist looked up in amazement "You mean your parents actually Christened you 'Stupid'?"
"Yes" the patient said "Is that a problem?"
The psychiatrist put his pen down and leaned back "Mr. Jones, I think we have found the seat of the problem already!"
"What do you mean?" asked the patient
"It's what we call 'expectation fulfilment' " the psychiatrist explained "Your parents named you 'Stupid' which implies a perfectly clear expectation. You have lived your life fulfilling the expectation your name suggests. I assure you, Mr. Jones, that, if you change your name, you will change the entire course of your life."
"Really??" said the patient "That simple?? Just change my name?"
"Trust me" said the psychiatrist "Change your name and call me in a month and let me know how things are then"
The patient was delighted and left the surgery feeling happier than he could ever recall.

A month later, the patient rang the psychiatrist: "A fat lot of good your advice was!" he snarled "I changed my name and my life STILL sucks!"
The psychiatrist was astounded "I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Jones......"
"SMITH!" the patient corrected "It's Stupid Smith now!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Feb 06 - 05:05 PM

mixing me toasties (Probably most Americans have never heard of it.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 01:09 AM

I posted the rabbit one just above to a Yahoo Group I run. It took well over 24 hours for the post to go thru - others posted after it went thru before it.

I wonder if the NSA is flagging all messages with the word 'mix' in them for scanning, just so they can catch those nasty terrorists who want to mix nasty things?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bert
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 01:39 AM

Nah, it just took them that long to get the joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 08:10 AM

Old Marine

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 08:42 AM

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid
are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new
game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is A
couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother Asks him what
he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends
and I played 'Let's see who has the largest   weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is That true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 11:44 AM

And Now Something Positive About Women And Men

Are you fed up with the battle of genders? Men and women are different - without question. But instead of stressing the negative sides of men and women, why not praise the positive ones?

So let us start with women:

Women are compassionate, full of love, and socially directed. Women shed tears when they are happy. Women are always doing small things to show that they are caring and concerned. They never will give up in a struggle to get what they are thinking to be the best for their offspring (best schools, best doctor ... )
Women alway smile when they are no more able to rise. They know how to convert a simple meal to a gala dinner.
Women know how to get most for their money. They know how to console an unhappy friend. Women are bringing joy and laughter into this world. They know how to engage children in play for endless hours! They are lovely and loyal.
Women have a will of steel behind their tender attitude. They would walk miles to help a friend in distress. Women are easily driven to tears by injustice. They know to give a man the feeling of being a king.
Women make the world a happier place to live in.

And now men:






Without effort they are able to lift heavy weights and to kill spiders.

(this is dedicated to my beloved wife to whom I am married for nearly 28 years. The description fits.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 11:58 AM

I got a sweater for Christmas. I was hoping for a moaner or a screamer.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: JennyO
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 12:15 PM

I hoped Jennie G might knit me a ski jumper - one of those medallists from the Olympics would do nicely....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 09:39 PM

Carlos Mencia

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 09:41 PM

Jose Jimenez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 03:24 PM

An middle-aged farmer wanted to pass his farm on to an heir and so succesfully courted a woman much younger than himself. He called at the doctors to make sure his sperm count was OK and was given a small bottle for a sample.

He came back two days later with the top still on and the bottle empty.

When asked why there was no sample he told the doctor he had tried with his left hand, and his right hand.

He told him that his wife had tried with her left hand and her right hand. She had also tried with her teeth and they had got the woman from the next farm to give it a go.

She had tried with her left hand, with her right hand, with her mouth and teeth. She had even taken out her false teeth and tried like that.

But despite all that effort........................














They still couldn't get the top off the bottle.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 10:12 PM

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."

"You've become *what*?"

"A prostitute, father."

"Praise the Lord! I thought at first you said a Protestant."

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. :||

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 10:27 PM

Posted by CarolC on another thread.

Have your sound on.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:10 AM

Widow goes to funeral parlour to see hubby's remains the day before the public viewing. "Oh, dear", she says,"You've put him in that black suit, I never liked that suit, I wish he had had a blue one."
"Leave it with me, madam," said the funeral director. "I'll see what we can do."
She returned for the public viewing and her hubbie was there in a blue suit. She thanked the funeral director who explained. "After you left yesterday we had another client in about your husband's size. His widow didn't like his blue suit and wished he has a black one......After that it was a simple matter to switch the heads."

!!!

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Den
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 02:05 PM

I posted this on Little Hawk's humour thread but I decided it belonged here too.

The circus comes to Belfast and wee Jimmy decides to take the day off looking for work and bring a little enjoyment into his otherwise mundane life. "To the circus" cries Jimmy, as he climbs into a black hack on Castle street. "Is that Carlisle Circus?" says the hackneyed hack handler. "No way, mucker," says Jimmy. "Take me to Duffy's Circus."

Ten minutes later he arrives at the Big Top ticket booth and can't help but notice that the young lady selling the tickets is extremely attractive. Wee Jimmy is well taken and chats amiably with the handsome young ticket vendor. Things are going very well for Jimmy and he persuades the young woman to join him when the show starts. After the ticket counter closes the young woman joins wee Jimmy in his seat and they proceed to get along like a house on fire. That is until the clowns appear in the ring. The crowd cheers and the spotlight sweeps across the rows of excited faces. One of the clowns stares up from the ring when the spotlight stops on the faces of wee Jimmy and his charming companion. This particular clown really fancies the young ticket purveyor and is therefore not amused to see her sitting with wee Jimmy and apparently having a very good time into the bargain. The clown runs to the edge of the ring and calls out for all to hear. "You there." The crowd falls silent with anticipation and the spotlight focuses on Jimmy. "Who me", says Jimmy rather weakly. "Yes you," says the clown. "Could you answer me a question," he continues. "I s'pose I could," says Jimmy clearing his throat and shifting uneasily in his seat. "Well then," says the clown, "are you the front end of an ass?" "No way", says Jimmy. "OOOh," says the crowd collectively. "Well then," says the clown with a satisfied smirk on his face. "Are you the back end of an ass?" "Ohhh", cry the crowd in unison. "No friggin' way," says Jimmy glancing sideways at his handsome companion. "Well then", cries the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd erupt in gales of laughter. The young woman leaps out of her seat and makes a hasty retreat in the direction of away. The clowns tumble across the ring, the drums roll and poor Jimmy slinks out of his seat and hurries toward the exit truly mortified.

He heads down the Falls road silently cursing the smart-arsed clown and his own inability to come up with an answer for him. "If only," thought Jimmy, "I'd had a better education and not left school early to pursue a career as a bodhrán dancer, Ahh but sure the costumes would have turned any impressionable young man's head". Jimmy trudged on, lost in his own thoughts, when out of the corner of his eye he spied a flashing neon sign, that read, "AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee, witty remarks while you wait". "By Jingo," says Jimmy, "that's the boy for me," and he races across the road weaving between overloaded taxis and chain smoking single mothers pushing double barrelled push chairs.

The shop bell dinged as Jimmy pushed open the door an entered AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee's emporium. The room was bare except for a counter at one end, which had a trail of smoke wafting up from behind it. Jimmy walked up to the counter and standing on tiptoe strained to look over it. On the other side of the counter sat a short man in a dark blue three-piece suit and a tattered cloth cap reading the racing form. "Excuse me mate," says Jimmy "is AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee in". The wee man set aside his newspaper and looked at Jimmy through glasses with lenses so thick his eyes appeared to be in the back of his head. "Yes son," he said, "I'm yer man, what's up." "Well ye see," said Jimmy and he related his story about the beautiful young woman, the sarcastic clown and the events at the circus. "No problem," says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, when Jimmy had finished his story. "I'll take care of yer man for ye, for a price." "Name it", says Jimmy. "Twenty five quid", says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "That's steep", says Jimmy. "Its up to you son", says Amazing Harry retrieving his paper. Jimmy thought for a moment, getting his own back on the clown would be great but impressing the young ticket seller would definitely be greater. "OK," says Jimmy, "you're hired." "Right", says Amazing, "we'll see you at the circus the morra."

Next day Jimmy could hardly wait and rushed off up the Falls road for the afternoon matinee show of the circus. True to his word, there stood AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee waiting for him at the ticket booth. As luck would have it the same young woman was selling tickets. Jimmy walked up bought two tickets and after apologising profusely managed to persuade the young woman to join them when the show started. Once inside Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee found their seats and settled in. Jimmy handed the twenty five-pound fee to Amazing and they both waited for the young woman to join them, which she soon did. Just as before, things were going very well between Jimmy and his female companion. The events of the previous day were almost forgotten until the music began and the clowns took to the ring. Once more the spotlight searched the audience and once more the same clown spied Jimmy with his estranged par-amour. The clown once more trotted to the edge of the ring and gazed up at his rival. The spotlight followed the clowns gaze and settled on Jimmy, the young woman and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Well, well", says the clown and the crowd once again fall silent. "May I ask you a question", he says, looking at Jimmy. "Fire away, oul han'," said Jimmy confidently. "Are you the front end of an ass"? said the clown. Jimmy made a sideways glance at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, before answering, "not at all." "Then are you the back end of an ass?" said the clown smiling maliciously. Jimmy could feel his throat tighten as he turned to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, who sat munching popcorn. "Well no," replied Jimmy less confidently. The crowd remained hushed. You could have heard a pin drop. "Well then," said the clown, "you must be no end an ass." Again the crowd roared with laughter, the young woman fled from her seat and Jimmy gaped open-mouthed at AMAZING HARRY.

Once outside the circus tent Jimmy rounded on AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Why the hell didn't you say something?" he yelled. "I was sizin' him up son," replied Amazing, "I wanted till see what he had, I'll be ready for him the next time." "The next time?" said Jimmy "what do you mean next time?" "Listen son", said AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, "you meet me here tomorrow for the show and we'll sort your man out, he'll not know what hit him, I'll put him down that hard he'll think he's surrounded, oh by the way that'll be another twenty five quid."

Next day Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee arrive at the big top. As before Jimmy worked his charm on the young ticket seller who agreed to join him after Jimmy assured her there would be no repeat of what happened before. He tells her he has brought along a friend who is a notorious wit and that the sarcastic clown would definitely meet his match that very afternoon. Reluctantly the young ticket seller agreed to join them when the show started.

When they were all settled in their seats Jimmy waited for the arrival of the clowns into the ring quietly confident that his adversary would meet his match. As before when the clown arrived he made straight for the edge of the ring and the spotlight once more fell on Jimmy. "Can I ask you a question," cries the clown and the audience fall silent. "Ask away," says Jimmy. "Are you the front end of an ass?" says the clown. Oooh, says the crowd. Jimmy looks at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee before replying, "no I'm not." "Are you the back end of an ass?" says the clown. Ohhh, says the crowd. Again Jimmy looks at Amazing Harry a little desperately. Still AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee says nothing. "No", says Jimmy, panic welling up in his eyes. "Well" laughs the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd roar with laughter, the girl runs from her seat as Jimmy turns to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. Suddenly AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee throws his bag of popcorn to the ground, jumps to his feet, stares directly at the clown and yells, "fuck off you red nosed bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 02:19 AM

I dunno wha happened to that p0rn thread, but I wanted to post this there...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Sooz
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 04:30 AM

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (TWO HUNDRED YEARS ON)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, regardless of his persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't get to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And the don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not anymore, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."

Nelson: "In that case...kiss me, Hardy".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 05:30 AM

One for (From) the late Linda Smith , who once described herself as a Dislexic Satanist - She Worships The Drivel .

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 05:31 AM

Oh Yes - By The Way -- 100 !!