BS: First Joke thread for 2006

Subject: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 05:19 PM

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

---

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 06:06 AM

A visitor to Israel on holiday happens to be in Jerusalem when they having the ceremony of unveiling the tomb to the unknown soldier. He has a guide with him to explain proceedings.
After the mayor makes a speech, the unveiling proceeds and the visitor sees that it says on the tomb
                            Isidore Cohen
                            Born Kiev 1893
                            Died Tel Aviv 1953

The visitor"I thought this was the tomb of the unknown soldier.
Guide.      "That's right. It is."
Visitor    "But it says Isidor Cohen Bor.....
Guide.    "Yes,yes. As a tailor he was Very well known. But as a soldier,pht..............nobody'd heard of him.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John O'L
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 07:12 AM

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"An interrupting cow"

"An inter-" "MOOOOOOOO!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 09:56 AM

Q. Why did Jane Russel ?

A. Cos Max Factor.

I'll get me coit, eric

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The PA
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 10:58 AM

Horse goes into a bar and ask's for a scotch. Barman says 'why the long face' !

Bear goes into a bar and says 'can I have a ...................scotch'
Barman says 'why the big paws'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Moses
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 11:23 AM

Question:- How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Answer:- Six. One to stir the mixture and five to peel the Smarties.





(Smarties are candy coated chocolate beans for those not resident in the UK)


And yes, I am a blonde!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 01:03 PM

"Widow"

A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted
by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like
all men who have been married before, your husband
sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.

"What stopped him?" asked the first.

"I started talking about my next husband," replied the
second woman.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 09:59 AM

"The Blonde and Snow"

One winter morning in upstate New York, the
husband and the blonde were listening to the
radio while eating breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10
inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so
the snowplows can get through." The big chest
blonde went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast,
the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to
12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." She put on some
clothes and went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast,
when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went off. The well endowed
blonde was very upset, and with a worried look on
her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that
all men who support blonde women, the husband
said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Me again
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 06:20 PM

A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bar tender here?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 04:30 PM

Fourth Joke Thread for 2005

Looks like I started a tradition (but then, I used to be in the SCA)!
Do it once - get burned at the stake for doing something different never done before - do it twice - it's Tradition!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: michaelr
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 06:38 PM

(Smarties = M&Ms)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Alba
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 09:45 PM

Britney is driving down the Highway when her cell phone rings.
It was her Boyfriend urgently warning her, " Listen Babe, I just heard on the News that there's a car going the wrong way on the the Highway your on. Please watch yourself!"
"It's not just one Car" said Britney, "there's hundreds of them!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Jan 06 - 06:26 AM

A man walks into the street and the moment he steps onto the curb and raises his hand a taxi swings by and stops. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You just landing a taxi without waiting. Thats the sort of think Frank would have done."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. Now there's an amazing guy who did everything right. Never a foot wrong. Whatever he did, its was perfect, like he didnt even need to try."

Passenger: "Nobodys perfect. Everyone has a few clouds over them"

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. And he drove like a dream, calm, collected and was never late for anything."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. He knew what a lady wanted in bed too, sensitive. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Cabbie: "I married his f***in' widow."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 13 Jan 06 - 01:28 AM

Terrorists capture Bill Clinton, Al Gore And George Bubbya Bush. They sentence them to death by firing squad. First they put Clinton up against a wall. Just before the firing squad shoots him, he yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone runs for cover, and Clinton jumps over the wall and escapes.

Gradually, the firing squad reassembles, and puts Gore up against the wall. Just before they are goinig to shoot him, he yells, "LOOK OUT! A TORNADO!!!"

Everyone runs for cover, and Gore jumps over the wall and escapes.

Meanwhile, Dubbya has been watching all this, and thinks to himself, "I get it. Just before the execution, I yell out an alarm of some natural disaster, and everyone scatters, and I can escape." The squad puts him up against the wall. Just before they shoot, Dubbya yells out

















FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 04:55 AM

How do hedgehogs reproduce?


















Cautiously.
Very, very cautiously

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 10:46 AM

Got this one from the BBC and I thin......

Did you hear about the chap who looked up "paranoid" in the dictionary?
It said


















What do you want to know for?

Auto

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: HuwG
Date: 30 Jan 06 - 02:50 PM

A man once had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his penis. They split up. She said he was trying to put words into her mouth.

<g>

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 30 Jan 06 - 03:21 PM

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," Rodney retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's a hoot," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks --too bloody much. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in Africa on safari and you told that witch doctor to go fuck himself!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 31 Jan 06 - 09:38 AM

"Daddy, do all fairy stories begin :'Once upon a time' ?"
"No, son, they can also begin: 'If you elect me, I promise....'"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM

"Moses Behind Enemy Lines"

Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Vacation Bible School.

"Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission
to lead His Chosen People out of Egypt. When he
got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across
safely. Then he used his cell phone to call
headquarters for reinforcements. They called in
an air strike of the Israeli Air Defense to take out
the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher
did, you'd never believe it!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:58 AM



    "Who's there?"

    "Man with a limp."

    "Man with a limp what?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:40 AM

LOL!!

George Carlin is still spot on:

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall
Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates
a hostile work environment!


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer
now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking
around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing
to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 11:18 AM

I doubt that George Carlin wrote any of those things Kat. Check out his website - he gives the lowdown on how often he is misquoted.

But whoever wrote it - it's funny stuff.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 12:13 PM

I did search his website, Wesley, thanks. Found one reference to his ten commandment piece, but could not find the text. I've written back to my friend who emailed it to me, a fellow Texan, btw, and asked for his source. He is not the type to send out spam and/or unsubstantiated quotes, so I believe it is Carlin. We'll see what he says.:-) Glad you liked it, anyway.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From:
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:02 PM

3 guys get stranded on an island with a tribe of cannabals. After struggle they are all caught. The leader says "I will grant each of you one wish and then we will kill you and turn your skin into boats."

The first guy says "I want a gun." The leader gives him a gun and he kills a couple of them and they catch him and turn his skin into a boat.

The second guy says "I want a grenade." The leader gives him a grenade and he throws it and kills a few of them and they catch him and turn his skin into a boat.

The third guy says"I want a knife." The leader gives him a knife and he repeatedly starts stabbing himself saying "screw your boats, screw your boats."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:13 PM

Two old guys are pushing their carts around WalMart when they inadvertently collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I was looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she's 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:34 PM

Every set of funny quotes sent around in e-mail seems to be attributed to George Carlin, usually falsely.

I'm pretty sure those ones above are from Lewis Black. I know for sure the "constitution" one is.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mr Happy
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 08:06 PM

I asked the waiter
for a chicken Tarka
he said do you mean
a chicken Tika
I said no Tarka
it's like a tika
but "A little otter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Ron Davies
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:43 PM

This year, both groundhog day and the State of the Union address occur on the
same day.

As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one
involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little
intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:45 PM

LOL

That is very good, Ron.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bert
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 02:15 AM

The courthouse here in Colorado Springs has a false front to the building. But they'll still make YOU swear to tell the truth.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 05:46 AM

An ecumenical joke stolen from Barry Cryer:
On a train in Ireland, man comes down the aisle
"Is there a priest on the train, it's a desperate emergency?"
No response.
Comes back the other way. "Is there a vicar on the train then, it's really serious?"
No response.
Tries again. "Is there a rabbi on the train, we can't hang on much longer?"
No response. A man puts his hand up. "I'm a Methodist lay preacher, can I help?"
"No use to us, man, you won't have a corkscrew!"

Rts

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: menzze
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 06:06 AM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 04:50 PM

Google's Quote of the Day, today, Feb 3, 2006

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
- Hunter S. Thompson

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM

Or as Ozzie Osborne said..."Christmas is a time for all the family to be together...but there are some good things about it as well"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 09:48 PM

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. ---Groucho Marx

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Feb 06 - 03:56 PM

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to have to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and artificial fluids to keep me going. If that ever happens, just pull the plug and let me die with dignity."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV, threw out all of his beer and called the undertaker.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Feb 06 - 09:41 PM

What's the difference between a regular rodeo and a gay rodeo?

At a regular rodeo, people yell, "Ride that sucker!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Alba
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 01:44 PM

refresh...some fresh air up at the top is needed me thinks:)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 07:45 PM

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She moved around to see each child's work. As the teacher got to little Sally, who was working away diligently, she asked what the drawing was going to be.

Sally replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher asked, "But don't you know that nobody really knows what God looks like?"

Without looking up from her drawing, Sally replied, "They will in a minute."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 07:53 PM

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
Heather, 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't squat with your spurs on:
Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. --
Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 12:01 PM

A driver is pulled over by the police.

"You were speeding there sir" says the oficer "that was 31 in a 30 limit"

Oh is that bad" Says the driver.

Yes sir I m writing you a ticket.

You know says the driver I tried to join the police force once but wasnt allowed in.

Oh what happened you failed the medical or what.

No my parents were married.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:48 PM

The alternative version goes:

"Why were you speeding?"

"My wife left me for a policeman and I thought you were giving her back....."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 08:38 AM

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says,

" I just let a silent fart.
         What do you think I should do?"

He replies
       " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 12:11 PM

"The Lament Of The Second"

The grief-stricken man threw himself at the
grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how
senseless is it! How worthless this carcass
about me, because you are gone. If only you
had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel
as to take you from this world, how everything
would have been different!"

A clergyman nearby overheard him and said,
"I assume the person lying beneath this
mound of earth was someone of great
importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man.
"It's my wife's first husband!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:16 AM

How are gypsies and cigarettes similar ?
They come in 10's or 20's and are barred out of every pub in the Irish Republic.

The M2 motorway out of Belfast is being named after George Best.
It's always blocked.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:24 AM

Could this turn this into a music thread?
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: gnu
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 02:18 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice: "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 02:20 PM

I didn't realise I'd sent that one to you too gnu.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Naemanson
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:02 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Roger the cookieless Skiffler - PM
Date: 10 Aug 05 - 09:21 AM

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have heard this same thing from many different sources. It seems to be a very popular myth. In fact there was a writer for ESPN who made the mistake of believing it and mentioning it in a column on the internet. He got into big trouble with the Government of Guam. The senatorial representative wrote to ESPN and demanded an apology. She got it. Believe me, this one is a myth.

How do I know? I live on Guam. I have friends in the community. Some of those friends are experts in the history and culture of the island, past and present. This was never the case and it certainly would not be allowed now. Guam has been a Christian society, mostly Catholic, since the 18th century. The priests would be horrified and the parents on this island would be outraged at the idea.

Makes a good story but be careful who you repeat it to.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:11 PM

Tommy Shaunessy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the Irish whiskey forever."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared just ahead.
Tommy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:31 PM

another song...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: cobber
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:15 AM

Damn. I was just going to book a ticket to Guam in the hope of a job

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Fidjit
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:50 AM

Hear about the Jew that had his pullover nicked?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 07:49 AM

Salesmanship

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 12:49 PM

See, a guest can be worthwhile sometimes. lol.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 05:51 PM

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 05:57 PM

Chinese Sayings

"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."

"Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok."

"Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked around."

"Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War not determine who right. War determine who left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand"

"Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:01 PM

Joey....don't forget this one...


Man who has sex on ground get piece (peace) on earth.




Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:09 PM

Daddy's Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,coltish ankle
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:10 PM

Cat's Diary

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was, hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:11 PM

Men Are

Men are like... Laxatives... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like... Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like... Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like... Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like... Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:15 PM

Screw

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:55 PM

Two blokes sitting on a park bech for a few hours in silence.

Then one sighs a big, deep sigh.

The other responds,"You can say That again."

Auto.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 08:47 PM

Men are like public toilets. The nice ones are always engaged and the rest are full of crap.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Larkin
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 08:48 PM

A   couple who work in the circus have been trying to have a baby to no avail so they go to adopt a child. In the interview they are asked about their jobs - he says that he's a clown in and that he works with kids and what a great place the circus is to grow up in . She says she's a tightrope walker and altough the adoption officer is worried about her safety, she reassures him. So says the interviewer," do you want a girl or a boy"-- He says "we're not really bothered as long as it fits in the Cannon!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Feb 06 - 09:27 AM

Old couple in church. She says to the husband "Oh, I've just released a silent fart, what should I do?." He replied, "Get batteries for your hearing aid."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Feb 06 - 12:51 PM

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble?"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing?"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark?"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not?"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!" Some days I feel like that too! Giok

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: robomatic
Date: 10 Feb 06 - 02:29 PM

Mohammed goes into this bar and...





...the cartoon on the wall doesn't look at all like me!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 12:01 PM

"The Football Hero"

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,AMus
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 02:30 PM

robomatic, I expect you believed you were funny and not a flamer

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 02:33 PM

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 07:57 PM

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Feb 06 - 05:17 PM

This one goes down well in a warehouse,u.k. setting.

The Bulgarian chief of police calls in his assisstant, gives him a human skeleton and says,"See what you can get on this skeleton."

The assistant goes off.
He doesn't return for the rest of that day.


Nor the following day.




Nor the day after that.


He returns, the day after that, looking as exhausted as it's possible to be.

The Chief says to him,"Well you took your time. Nevermind.

"Did you get anything on the skeleton."
His assistant says,"Yup......














"He confessed !!"



Auto.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,coltish ankle
Date: 15 Feb 06 - 01:29 PM

Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you."

"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"

"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night."

"Yore a VIRGIN??"

"That's right. Please be gentle."

"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"

With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.

"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"

"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the heck you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the heck ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere?"

"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"

"A VIRGIN?"

"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the heck outta there as fast as I could!"

"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 06 - 01:55 PM

I would of course tell you the one about the nun on the clowns back but it's 'virgin' on the ridiculous'!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 17 Feb 06 - 09:18 AM

I thought this one might appeal to El Swanno & Catspaw, given Tris' affection for fire engines:

The Fireman is out cleaning the fire engine at the local station when a small boy appears sitting on a miniature fire engine and being pulled along by a small dog. The fireman decides to have a word with him,
"That's a nice fire engine you have, its nice and clean as well" he says but then noticed the tow rope was tied round the dogs reproductive organs and said "I think it might go a bit faster if you put that rope around his neck."
The little boy thought for a moment then said "yes I
guess you are right but then I wouldn't have a siren."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 06 - 10:45 AM

Or a fireman friend of mine who introduced his two friends to me and said. "This is my friend Hosea and this is my other friend Hose b.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 19 Feb 06 - 07:02 PM

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman," smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it" The masses bated breath is earshatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says,"Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie" The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you?" To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous".

The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead". The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"B*gger" said the barman,"what from".

The rabbit said...












Mixing Me Toasties!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Feb 06 - 09:27 AM

Oneliners

If you understand something today, it must
be obsolete.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a
grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

When in doubt . . . mumble.

To make a long story short, there's nothing
like the boss walking in.

Samuel Alito: Born on April Fools' Day
and nominated on Halloween. Is that
some kind of omen?

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth
before someone suggests it.

When a man is young, he is so wild, he is
insufferable. When he is old, he plays the
saint and becomes insufferable again.

Just think, this will be somebody's good ol' days.
How sad.

The easiest thing to be in the world is you.

Please, no math jokes. It will only cause
division.

France is a good example of immigration
out of control.

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

If brains were taxed, my spouse would get
a rebate.

I was born free, but now I'm expensive.

Evian flu? I knew that fancy bottled water
was gonna cause a problem!

Unless I can vote in the nude, buying jeans
and a T-shirt sounds like a poll tax to me.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a
picture is worth a thousand words, how
dangerous is a fax?

Despite the liberal use of holy water, chanting
and even garlic, my Corvette keeps getting
repossessed.

A pat on the back, though only a few vertebrae
removed from a kick in the pants, is miles
ahead in results.

Suicide bombers prove again that women
are smarter than men.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the
$10 haircut you used to get for five dollars
when you had hair."

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85
dollars. That is why, in the Navy, the Captain
goes down with the ship.

I have a problem with boxing. I don't understand
any sport where a guy who makes $11 million
is called "the loser."

A piece of advice should be like the common cold.
If you've got one, keep it to yourself.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

It's not a 'lost' look you see in my eyes, it's
a 'get lost' look.

Poor Arnold. I guess he's a one-term-inator.

People like you are the reason people like me
need medication.

If people looked like their passport pictures,
few nations would let them in.

Men aren't attracted to me for my mind.
They're attracted to me for what I don't mind.

Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to
be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she
were a real woman, would have no internal
organs because her waist is too small.

I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in
the missing organ department . . .compared to
Ken.

I was always taught to respect my elders but,
it's getting harder and harder to find one.

Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you
hit the ball and someone else chases it.

College prepares the young adult for the business
world. It teaches one how to sit and look interested
for fifty minutes.

I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this
much, he doesn't like it when you join in.

One of the oldest human needs is having
someone to wonder where you are when you
don't come home at night.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make
once.

So, this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: sinpelo
Date: 20 Feb 06 - 12:54 PM

"Stupid Jones"

A psychiatrist was just about to take a lunch break in his surgery when a man burst in unannounced. "Do you have an appointment?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No Doc. But you gotta help me! My life sucks! Everything I try to do goes wrong and `I can't seem to help myself behaving like an idiot......."

The psychiatrist stopped him at that point. "OK OK! First things first. Let's get you registered." he said "Name?"
"Jones" said the patient
"First name?"
"Stupid"
"No" said the psychiatrist "I mean your REAL first name, not a nickname"
"That IS my real name!" said the patient
The psychiatrist looked up in amazement "You mean your parents actually Christened you 'Stupid'?"
"Yes" the patient said "Is that a problem?"
The psychiatrist put his pen down and leaned back "Mr. Jones, I think we have found the seat of the problem already!"
"What do you mean?" asked the patient
"It's what we call 'expectation fulfilment' " the psychiatrist explained "Your parents named you 'Stupid' which implies a perfectly clear expectation. You have lived your life fulfilling the expectation your name suggests. I assure you, Mr. Jones, that, if you change your name, you will change the entire course of your life."
"Really??" said the patient "That simple?? Just change my name?"
"Trust me" said the psychiatrist "Change your name and call me in a month and let me know how things are then"
The patient was delighted and left the surgery feeling happier than he could ever recall.

A month later, the patient rang the psychiatrist: "A fat lot of good your advice was!" he snarled "I changed my name and my life STILL sucks!"
The psychiatrist was astounded "I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Jones......"
"SMITH!" the patient corrected "It's Stupid Smith now!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Feb 06 - 05:05 PM

mixing me toasties (Probably most Americans have never heard of it.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 01:09 AM

I posted the rabbit one just above to a Yahoo Group I run. It took well over 24 hours for the post to go thru - others posted after it went thru before it.

I wonder if the NSA is flagging all messages with the word 'mix' in them for scanning, just so they can catch those nasty terrorists who want to mix nasty things?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bert
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 01:39 AM

Nah, it just took them that long to get the joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 08:10 AM

Old Marine

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 21 Feb 06 - 08:42 AM

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid
are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new
game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is A
couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother Asks him what
he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends
and I played 'Let's see who has the largest   weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is That true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 11:44 AM

And Now Something Positive About Women And Men

Are you fed up with the battle of genders? Men and women are different - without question. But instead of stressing the negative sides of men and women, why not praise the positive ones?

So let us start with women:

Women are compassionate, full of love, and socially directed. Women shed tears when they are happy. Women are always doing small things to show that they are caring and concerned. They never will give up in a struggle to get what they are thinking to be the best for their offspring (best schools, best doctor ... )
Women alway smile when they are no more able to rise. They know how to convert a simple meal to a gala dinner.
Women know how to get most for their money. They know how to console an unhappy friend. Women are bringing joy and laughter into this world. They know how to engage children in play for endless hours! They are lovely and loyal.
Women have a will of steel behind their tender attitude. They would walk miles to help a friend in distress. Women are easily driven to tears by injustice. They know to give a man the feeling of being a king.
Women make the world a happier place to live in.

And now men:






Without effort they are able to lift heavy weights and to kill spiders.

(this is dedicated to my beloved wife to whom I am married for nearly 28 years. The description fits.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 11:58 AM

I got a sweater for Christmas. I was hoping for a moaner or a screamer.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: JennyO
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 12:15 PM

I hoped Jennie G might knit me a ski jumper - one of those medallists from the Olympics would do nicely....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 09:39 PM

Carlos Mencia

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Feb 06 - 09:41 PM

Jose Jimenez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 03:24 PM

An middle-aged farmer wanted to pass his farm on to an heir and so succesfully courted a woman much younger than himself. He called at the doctors to make sure his sperm count was OK and was given a small bottle for a sample.

He came back two days later with the top still on and the bottle empty.

When asked why there was no sample he told the doctor he had tried with his left hand, and his right hand.

He told him that his wife had tried with her left hand and her right hand. She had also tried with her teeth and they had got the woman from the next farm to give it a go.

She had tried with her left hand, with her right hand, with her mouth and teeth. She had even taken out her false teeth and tried like that.

But despite all that effort........................














They still couldn't get the top off the bottle.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 10:12 PM

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."

"You've become *what*?"

"A prostitute, father."

"Praise the Lord! I thought at first you said a Protestant."

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. :||

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 10:27 PM

Posted by CarolC on another thread.

Have your sound on.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:10 AM

Widow goes to funeral parlour to see hubby's remains the day before the public viewing. "Oh, dear", she says,"You've put him in that black suit, I never liked that suit, I wish he had had a blue one."
"Leave it with me, madam," said the funeral director. "I'll see what we can do."
She returned for the public viewing and her hubbie was there in a blue suit. She thanked the funeral director who explained. "After you left yesterday we had another client in about your husband's size. His widow didn't like his blue suit and wished he has a black one......After that it was a simple matter to switch the heads."

!!!

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Den
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 02:05 PM

I posted this on Little Hawk's humour thread but I decided it belonged here too.

The circus comes to Belfast and wee Jimmy decides to take the day off looking for work and bring a little enjoyment into his otherwise mundane life. "To the circus" cries Jimmy, as he climbs into a black hack on Castle street. "Is that Carlisle Circus?" says the hackneyed hack handler. "No way, mucker," says Jimmy. "Take me to Duffy's Circus."

Ten minutes later he arrives at the Big Top ticket booth and can't help but notice that the young lady selling the tickets is extremely attractive. Wee Jimmy is well taken and chats amiably with the handsome young ticket vendor. Things are going very well for Jimmy and he persuades the young woman to join him when the show starts. After the ticket counter closes the young woman joins wee Jimmy in his seat and they proceed to get along like a house on fire. That is until the clowns appear in the ring. The crowd cheers and the spotlight sweeps across the rows of excited faces. One of the clowns stares up from the ring when the spotlight stops on the faces of wee Jimmy and his charming companion. This particular clown really fancies the young ticket purveyor and is therefore not amused to see her sitting with wee Jimmy and apparently having a very good time into the bargain. The clown runs to the edge of the ring and calls out for all to hear. "You there." The crowd falls silent with anticipation and the spotlight focuses on Jimmy. "Who me", says Jimmy rather weakly. "Yes you," says the clown. "Could you answer me a question," he continues. "I s'pose I could," says Jimmy clearing his throat and shifting uneasily in his seat. "Well then," says the clown, "are you the front end of an ass?" "No way", says Jimmy. "OOOh," says the crowd collectively. "Well then," says the clown with a satisfied smirk on his face. "Are you the back end of an ass?" "Ohhh", cry the crowd in unison. "No friggin' way," says Jimmy glancing sideways at his handsome companion. "Well then", cries the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd erupt in gales of laughter. The young woman leaps out of her seat and makes a hasty retreat in the direction of away. The clowns tumble across the ring, the drums roll and poor Jimmy slinks out of his seat and hurries toward the exit truly mortified.

He heads down the Falls road silently cursing the smart-arsed clown and his own inability to come up with an answer for him. "If only," thought Jimmy, "I'd had a better education and not left school early to pursue a career as a bodhrán dancer, Ahh but sure the costumes would have turned any impressionable young man's head". Jimmy trudged on, lost in his own thoughts, when out of the corner of his eye he spied a flashing neon sign, that read, "AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee, witty remarks while you wait". "By Jingo," says Jimmy, "that's the boy for me," and he races across the road weaving between overloaded taxis and chain smoking single mothers pushing double barrelled push chairs.

The shop bell dinged as Jimmy pushed open the door an entered AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee's emporium. The room was bare except for a counter at one end, which had a trail of smoke wafting up from behind it. Jimmy walked up to the counter and standing on tiptoe strained to look over it. On the other side of the counter sat a short man in a dark blue three-piece suit and a tattered cloth cap reading the racing form. "Excuse me mate," says Jimmy "is AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee in". The wee man set aside his newspaper and looked at Jimmy through glasses with lenses so thick his eyes appeared to be in the back of his head. "Yes son," he said, "I'm yer man, what's up." "Well ye see," said Jimmy and he related his story about the beautiful young woman, the sarcastic clown and the events at the circus. "No problem," says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, when Jimmy had finished his story. "I'll take care of yer man for ye, for a price." "Name it", says Jimmy. "Twenty five quid", says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "That's steep", says Jimmy. "Its up to you son", says Amazing Harry retrieving his paper. Jimmy thought for a moment, getting his own back on the clown would be great but impressing the young ticket seller would definitely be greater. "OK," says Jimmy, "you're hired." "Right", says Amazing, "we'll see you at the circus the morra."

Next day Jimmy could hardly wait and rushed off up the Falls road for the afternoon matinee show of the circus. True to his word, there stood AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee waiting for him at the ticket booth. As luck would have it the same young woman was selling tickets. Jimmy walked up bought two tickets and after apologising profusely managed to persuade the young woman to join them when the show started. Once inside Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee found their seats and settled in. Jimmy handed the twenty five-pound fee to Amazing and they both waited for the young woman to join them, which she soon did. Just as before, things were going very well between Jimmy and his female companion. The events of the previous day were almost forgotten until the music began and the clowns took to the ring. Once more the spotlight searched the audience and once more the same clown spied Jimmy with his estranged par-amour. The clown once more trotted to the edge of the ring and gazed up at his rival. The spotlight followed the clowns gaze and settled on Jimmy, the young woman and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Well, well", says the clown and the crowd once again fall silent. "May I ask you a question", he says, looking at Jimmy. "Fire away, oul han'," said Jimmy confidently. "Are you the front end of an ass"? said the clown. Jimmy made a sideways glance at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, before answering, "not at all." "Then are you the back end of an ass?" said the clown smiling maliciously. Jimmy could feel his throat tighten as he turned to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, who sat munching popcorn. "Well no," replied Jimmy less confidently. The crowd remained hushed. You could have heard a pin drop. "Well then," said the clown, "you must be no end an ass." Again the crowd roared with laughter, the young woman fled from her seat and Jimmy gaped open-mouthed at AMAZING HARRY.

Once outside the circus tent Jimmy rounded on AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Why the hell didn't you say something?" he yelled. "I was sizin' him up son," replied Amazing, "I wanted till see what he had, I'll be ready for him the next time." "The next time?" said Jimmy "what do you mean next time?" "Listen son", said AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, "you meet me here tomorrow for the show and we'll sort your man out, he'll not know what hit him, I'll put him down that hard he'll think he's surrounded, oh by the way that'll be another twenty five quid."

Next day Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee arrive at the big top. As before Jimmy worked his charm on the young ticket seller who agreed to join him after Jimmy assured her there would be no repeat of what happened before. He tells her he has brought along a friend who is a notorious wit and that the sarcastic clown would definitely meet his match that very afternoon. Reluctantly the young ticket seller agreed to join them when the show started.

When they were all settled in their seats Jimmy waited for the arrival of the clowns into the ring quietly confident that his adversary would meet his match. As before when the clown arrived he made straight for the edge of the ring and the spotlight once more fell on Jimmy. "Can I ask you a question," cries the clown and the audience fall silent. "Ask away," says Jimmy. "Are you the front end of an ass?" says the clown. Oooh, says the crowd. Jimmy looks at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee before replying, "no I'm not." "Are you the back end of an ass?" says the clown. Ohhh, says the crowd. Again Jimmy looks at Amazing Harry a little desperately. Still AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee says nothing. "No", says Jimmy, panic welling up in his eyes. "Well" laughs the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd roar with laughter, the girl runs from her seat as Jimmy turns to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. Suddenly AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee throws his bag of popcorn to the ground, jumps to his feet, stares directly at the clown and yells, "fuck off you red nosed bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 02:19 AM

I dunno wha happened to that p0rn thread, but I wanted to post this there...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Sooz
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 04:30 AM

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (TWO HUNDRED YEARS ON)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, regardless of his persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't get to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And the don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not anymore, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."

Nelson: "In that case...kiss me, Hardy".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 05:30 AM

One for (From) the late Linda Smith , who once described herself as a Dislexic Satanist - She Worships The Drivel .

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 05:31 AM

Oh Yes - By The Way -- 100 !!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 03:04 PM

A Brit. is visiting afriend in the States who takes him to a farm in Texas.

The Brit. gets talking with the Texan.

"How big is the farm.

"If I get in my car, drive out to the edge, and make one circuit, it takes me all day."

"Yes,"sighed the Brit."I had a car like that once."



Auto

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 10:29 AM

A man rushes up from one end of a train to the other shouting "Is there a catholic priest on board?".

On the way back he shouts "Is there an Anglican vicar on board?".

On the third pass through the train he is asking for a rabbi when a man holds out a hand, stops the guy and says "I am a Scottish Presbyterian Minister - can I help?".

"Not at all" says the man, "we need a corkscrew".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 09:00 AM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as! the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak!

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 15 Mar 06 - 10:49 PM

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".


   

Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC Wall Socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Mar 06 - 02:48 PM

NEW State Mottos

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tike Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
Ayuh, we're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobstah
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State
Texas
Se Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Ay, Yep
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
We have more rain than you do
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Becca72
Date: 21 Mar 06 - 01:29 PM

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the fuck off the car!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 21 Mar 06 - 10:19 PM

I got a sweater for Christmas. But I was hoping for a moaner or a screamer.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Mar 06 - 12:19 PM

A fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible
shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance!
Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the fighter
pilot, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it.
The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the fighter pilot,
until he removed his arm from the pig.
They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty
bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to
good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky,
cirrus clouds,a warm gentle breeze –
perfect for a night of romance.
The fighter pilot started getting 'those' ideas again,
so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Mar 06 - 06:37 AM

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him riting frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


            You don't stop laughing because you grow old
             You grow old because you stop laughing !!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 23 Mar 06 - 09:23 AM

And it was Tom Lehrer who said, as part of [fictional and lyrical] a commencement address...

Soon you'll be out, amid the cold world's strife...
Soon you'll be sliding down the razor blade of life...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Mar 06 - 08:17 PM

And I know on what... ooooooooooooooooooo....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 06 - 04:30 AM

And it was Jackie Mason who said,"I like to talk to myself,'cos I found out that you talk to other people you find out that they're not listening, so why should I knock myself out. I cut out the middle man and I talk straight to myself. I listen to what I've got to say, I don't interrupt;if I don't like the subject, I don't bring it up."

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 10:23 AM

Received this in an email...gave me a chuckle....

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ ”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?’ ”

Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, “You little shit! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally, someone throws an eraser at Pedro. Someone shouted “Duck!”

Teacher asked, “Who said that?”

Pedro: “Dick Cheney, 2006!”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 11:05 AM

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died...]

1st woman: "I froze to death."
2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the room watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both be alive..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 11:29 AM

An Irishman goes to confessional and says, “Father, I’ve sinned. I’ve committed adultery against my wife.”
The Father says “To give you forgiveness, I need to know the name of the person you committed adultery with.”
The Irishman says, “I can’t tell you that, Father.”
The Father says, “Was it Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man says, “No, it wasn’t, Father.”
The Father says, “Was it Mrs. O’Callaghan?”
“No, it wasn’t Father.”
The Father says, “Was it Mrs. O’Shaughnessy?”
“No, it wasn’t Father. I can’t tell you who it was.”
The Father says, “Then I can’t give you forgiveness.”
The man leaves the confessional and runs into a friend who asks, “Did you get forgiveness from the Father?”
The man replies, “No, but I got a bunch of good leads.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 02:28 PM

3 women walking along the beach when they see a man lying on a beach-towel. He has no arms or legs

Feeling sorry fr him the fist woman asks him if he's ever had a hug

"No!" says the guy - so she hugs him

Second woman says "Have you ever been hugged?"

"No!" He says expectantly - So she hugged him

Third woman asks him if he's ever been f*cked

"No!" he says almost beside himself with delight

She says "You will be when the tide comes in!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 02:43 PM

Sorry! The second woman should have snogged him !!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 09:33 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll about in agony.

The woman rushed to the man and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence however, he finally
allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked," How does that feel?"

He repied, "It feels great...............but my thumb still hurts like
hell."


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: clairerise
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 05:19 AM

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 05:49 PM

A vicar and a rabbi used to meet each wednesday on their bikes.

One wed.,the vicar riding along, comes upon the rabbi on foot.

"where's your bike,rabbi?"

"Dunno. Just dunno."

"Well I lost my bike once so the following sunday, instead of my sermon,I read out the ten commandments. Coming out of church after the service, there was my bike. Obviously 'Thou shall not steal' pricked someone's conscience."

"I'll try it,"thus the rabbi.

The following wed., the vicar, cycling al;ong, meets the rabbi back on his bike.

"I see you've got your bike back.Did you try the sermon idea?,"asked the vicar.

"I certainly did, and when I got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery, ' THEN I remembered where I'd left it."


   ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 03 May 06 - 02:15 PM

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 03 May 06 - 03:06 PM

What did the shy pebble say? (Wish I were a little bolder...)

What did the sea say to the shore? (Nothing; it just waved...)

I'll send the rest when I remember them...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 06 - 08:38 PM

What happened to the dog who went to the flea circus? He stole the show!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 06 - 05:17 PM

"Interoffice Memo"
(reportedly real, Snopes is inconclusive)

Subject: Mmm-mmn-good

A woman at our interactive advertising agency
had recently returned from her maternity leave
when she sent the following e-mail:

Whoever used the milk in the small plastic
container that was in the refrigerator yesterday,
please do NOT own up to it. I would find it
forever after difficult to meet your gaze across
a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion
about java applets or brand identity.

Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY
for my son if you get my drift. I will label these
things from now on, but if you found your
coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this
morning, you might think about calling your
mom and telling her you love her.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 21 May 06 - 11:35 AM

A senior partner in a Sheffield law firm went pheasant hunting in rural Dungworth, north-west of Sheffield. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am a senior partner in a large law firm in Sheffield and, if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Dungworth. We settle small disagreements like this with the Dungworth Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The senior partner quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the pheasant."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 21 May 06 - 12:31 PM

The husband of 40 years is explaining the success of the marriage.


   "When we married, we decided I'd make all the big decisions and my wife would make all the small ones.

   "So I decide whether we invade Iraq, what to do about taxes, whether we should change subside regulations and so on. My wife decides where we'll live, where we go for holidays, which schools the children ......................"




    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 06 - 08:43 PM

"Expected Baby"

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling
his first-grade teacher about the baby
brother or sister that was expected at his
house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to
feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed,
but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending
event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and
said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that
baby brother or sister you were expecting at
home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 06 - 08:45 PM

"2 Drops Every 4 Hours"

My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him,
and he determined right away that the baby had
an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.
In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right
ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right"
as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned
with her baby, complaining that the baby still had
an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: heric
Date: 22 May 06 - 02:18 AM

Little Jon went for a walk one summer afternoon with his grandpa, which they liked to do. At one point Jonnie blurted out "Grandpa, look at those two dogs! That's not right!!" His grandfather looked, and, as he wasn't authorized to enter that discussion, he thought quickly, and was quite proud of hmself for thinking quickly: "Jonnie. That's all right. That dog at the back has hurt his paw, see? He may have stepped on a thorn or some broken glass, even. The other dog is is friend, helping him to walk back to his owner."

But Jonnie got a sad look. His little lower lip started to quiver, and he saud "Oh, grandpa, that's so terrible." "Terrible? repeated his grandpa. "Why? What's so bad about that?"

"Oh," said Jonnie, "you go to help someone, and you get fucked in the ass."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 22 May 06 - 02:47 AM

Oh,ok, young children, then.




    Two women friends meet after quite a while, one of them pushing a buggy, two little ones aboard.

    "So, how old are the children?," asks one.

    The mother replies,"The doctor is two, and the accountant is three."




      Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 06 - 11:09 AM

"A Retired Husband"

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months your husband, Mr.
Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of
behavior and have considered banning the
entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from the trouble your husband has caused. All
complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.

Wal-Mart Complaint Department MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people's carts when
they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....
and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and
asked to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can
help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security
camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his
nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in
the hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department,
practiced his "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and
when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement
came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room,
shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled,
very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 06 - 04:03 PM

"Job Creations:
How The Government Functions"

Once upon a time the government had
a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from
it at night." So they created a night watchman
position and hired a person at $18,000.00
a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the
watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and
hired two people, one person to write the
instructions for $22,000.00, and one person
to do time studies for an additional
$22,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the
night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department
and hired two people. One to do the studies
for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports
for an additional $31,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people
going to get paid?" So they created the following
positions, a time keeper for $35,000.00 annual
salary, and a payroll officer for an additional
$35,000.00, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable
for all of these people?" So they created an
administrative section and hired three people,
an Administrative Officer at $155,000.00 per
year, Assistant Administrative Officer
$125,000.00, and a Legal Secretary for an
additional $100,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this
operating for one year with a budget cost of
$574,000.00 and we are approximately $18,000
over budget. We must cutback overall costs until
we can get a tax increase to balance our budget."

So they laid off the night watchman.......

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 06 - 09:37 PM

"Important Person"

On a bookstore display shelf, my five-year-old daughter spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him," she said.

Surprised she recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States."

"I know he was important," she agreed.

"How did you know that?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Walrus
Date: 27 May 06 - 04:06 AM

I'll apologise in advance.

Walrus



A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just
continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so! .
< BR>Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out
what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ....." he replied -
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* "......... she sells C cells by the sea shore"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 27 May 06 - 11:40 PM

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"



George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."



"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"



"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,rennie
Date: 31 May 06 - 08:28 AM

wots the lightest thing in the world?

a penis, even a thought can lift it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,shaun oshea
Date: 31 May 06 - 08:34 AM

how do u no a catholic is lookin through a key hole?

you can see both his eyes.

ha ha

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,jason elliott from fivemiletown in northern
Date: 31 May 06 - 08:36 AM

wot do u call a person with 3 ears?

a human

ha

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 May 06 - 07:08 PM

I thought only Davy Crocket had a Wild Front Ear.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 01 Jun 06 - 11:25 AM

BREAKING NEWS:

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Splott Man
Date: 02 Jun 06 - 07:55 AM

And Cpt Kirk has a final front ear...

but Davey Crockett was King of the Wild front ear...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: HuwG
Date: 02 Jun 06 - 07:50 PM

After Gene Pitney died while on tour in Cardiff, his family telephoned the undertakers, to ask when the body could be returned to the US for burial at home.

They replied, "It depends what you want us to use for the coffin (casket). If you want us to do it in oak, it'll take seven days. But it's only, 24 hours from balsa ...".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 30 Jun 06 - 08:49 AM

A teacher walked into the class and said, "Today children we are going to do some maths problems. Tell me, Billy, if three birds are on the fence and you shoot one of them, how many would be left?"

Billy replied, "None. The shot bird would fall to the ground and the other two birds would be frightened away by the noise".

The teacher said, "The actual answer is two, but I like the way you are thinking."

"Let me ask you a question," said Billy. "Three women are eating a lollipop. One is licking it, one is crunching it and one is sucking it. Which of the three women is married?"

"I am not sure, Billy. I'll say the one who is sucking it," said the teacher.

"No", said Billy, "the correct answer is the one that is wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you are thinking!"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 30 Jun 06 - 11:04 AM

How do you greet a drunk Italian....

Hi Tiddly Eyetie.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Rman
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 05:32 AM

A truck driver comes upon a priest hitch-hiking at the roadside so he stops to give him a ride..

After a few miles the truck driver sees a lawyer at the roadside and, forgetting that the priest is with him, he swerves towards the lawyer.

At the last moment he remembers the priest and swerves to avoid the lawyer. The truck driver turns to the priest and says "Please forgive me father!"

The priest replies "Don't worry my son. I got him with the door."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 09:51 AM

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs?

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the
edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really
trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he "Would you like a
juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or
maybe a rotisserie chicken?

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm
starving."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 09:48 AM

You are in a two seater car and you have a fire-engine alongside you doing the same speed.

Behind you is a police car doing the same speed.

In front of you is a galloping pig.

What do you do next?

Get off the kiddies roundabout you're drunk.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 03:17 PM

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
..................................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
.................................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 05:21 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 08:00 PM

What's 18 inches long, blue, and makes women scream? (Apologies in advance....)












-Crib death...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:24 AM

"Aptitude Test"

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant,
so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how
many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit
at home now!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:26 AM

"Three Things You Need To Survive"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy
scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things
you should bring with you in case you
get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several
hands went up, and many important things
were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly
raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of
water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is
to find the right direction, the water is to
prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?"
asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing
Solitaire, someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Amos
Date: 02 Aug 06 - 07:22 PM

"The Purina Diet"

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told
her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
& that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it
was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and
a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

---

(Author unknown)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 10:33 AM

Monica Lewinsky took her blue dress to a dry cleaner, and told the clerk she needed it by Friday.

The clerk was hard of hearing, so he asked, "Come again?"

She said, "No, orange juice."

—told by Phyllis Diller in the film, "The Aristocrats"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 01:28 PM

LIVING WILL

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were
discussing dying. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in
a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smartass.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:13 PM

The following were (supposedly) answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered the radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:24 PM

TAE A FERT

Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter a feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind
The neeps an tatties an mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blowin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonna have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum tight tae yer chair
Tae try an stop the reekin air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry
A'body roon about me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis it him I shout wi accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout an stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fer me
Whit a fuss at Rabbies perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:25 PM

Did anyone notice that an anagram of George Bush is "He bugs Gore"?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:16 AM

Since cod-Scots dialect hus intirrrd ra threid, whit aboot this ane:

Wee wifie tellin hurr pal that she's wint tae the Doacturr, an he's tauld hurr she's pregnunt. Hurr pal asks hurr,
"Huv ye hud a check-up?"
"Naw," wis the ansurr, "it wis a wee Glesga fella."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:17 AM

Hear about the Policeman that married a Prostitute?
He dragged her down to his level.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:18 AM

Second Joke thread for 2006

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 07:20 AM

Breaking news.............A two seater Piper Cherokee has crashed into a cemetary just outside Dublin.............so far the emergency services have recovered one hundred and three bodies.

eric