BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 11:57 AM

Be glad I didn't tell my version of "The Aristocrats" joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Amos
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 10:19 AM

That is purely AWFUL, Cluin!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 03:30 AM

Once upon a time there was a little boy by the name of Billy. Now Billy was your ordinary sort of little boy who did all those ordinary little boy things... like running and playing, eating and yelling, busting shit up and grudgingly going to school. As a matter of fact, it was one day when Billy got down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, that he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group. They were talking animatedly about the Toeknock Spirit. Being a bright little boy, Billy was curious as hell.
   "Hey! What's this Toeknock Spirit?" Billy piped up.
   "You don't know what the Toeknock Spirit is?" the children asked in disbelief. "You just stay the fuck away from us."
   While they waited for the bus, no one would play with nor go near Billy, nor even talk to him. They just stood some distance away, pointing and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused and discouraged, boarded the bus along with the rest of the children.
   "Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the children said as they passed him. "Billy there wants to know what the Toeknock Spirit is!"
   The bus driver turned an intent glare on Billy.
   "You don't know what the Toeknock Spirit is?" he asked Billy pointedly.
   "No, sir," admitted Billy shyly.
   "Little bastard!" spit the bus driver and he ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
   When the bus got to school, Billy waited until all the other kids got off, then he debarked by the back door in silence. He couldn't help but notice all the children in the schoolyard pointing at him and scowling or laughing. But nobody talked to him or came near him until the bell rang for class. He had become The Boy Who Didn't Know About the Toeknock Spirit.
   In silence they all lined up for class, with Billy's classmates avoiding touching him or even looking in his direction as they filed in.
   Class, at least went on as usual. After the Pledge of Allegiance, they worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then they were asked to take out their History text books. Billy did as requested but his mind soon began to wander. That is, until he heard the teacher mention something about the Toeknock Spirit.
   Billy's hand shot up and the teacher called on him.
   "Miss, what's the Toeknock Spirit?" asked Billy hopefully.
   "What's the Toeknock Spirit? What kind of smart-ass question is that?" screamed the teacher. "You get yourself down to the principal's office right now, young man. No, I don't want to hear any more! March!"
   So Billy left the classroom dejectedly, closed the door and headed down the long dark hollow-sounding hallway to the principal's office. He'd never been sent there before but had heard enough horror stories about what happened there from all the "bad" kids on the playground to make him fear the worst. Every step he took resounded heavily in his frightened little soul. He was sure he was going to meet his doom. He wondered if The Strap" was really metal studded and six feet long as he'd been told.
   He got to the principals office after what was both the longest and strangely shortest period of time in his whole young life. He slowly opened the large, heavy door and timidly entered the office, cringing inwardly at the mixed smells of methanol duplicator fluid, cheap aftershave and pre-teen fear. Behind a battlescarred and imposing desk, sat the principal.
   Mr. Torvald, the principal, was a large man, not flabby, but hulking and muscular, his sinews toughened by years of military service in the Marines and, later, dealing with problem students in a very physically imposing way. He fixed his one good eye (the other had been gouged out in a bar fight in Manilla years before and the empty socket now hid behind a leather patch because the principal eschewed cosmetic prosthetics as effeminate and unworthy of him) on Billy as if he was still a drill sergeant dealing with a new recruit. He spoke in a deep gravelly voice.
   "Billy," he asked slowly and disarmingly quietly. "What are you doing here?"
   "Mr. Torvald, I just don't know what's going on today," blurted Billy, near tears. "Everyone's been acting so weird and mean to me today, and, like, they're all treating me really badly. Even my teacher... she sent me to you just for asking a question in class just now."
   "Now, Billy. That sounds serious," rumbled Mr. Torvald, leaning forward.
   Billy involuntarily leaned back.
   "There must be something behind it all," reasoned the principal. "What was this question you asked, anyway?"
   "I... I... wanted to know..." stammered Billy in trepidation, "...what the Toeknock Spirit is."
   "What?!" roared Mr. Torvald, snatching off his leather eyepatch to expose Billy to the horror of his raw gaping eyesocket. "You don't know what the Toeknock Spirit is? That's it! I'm calling your mother! You can consider yourself suspended!"
   The principal stood up, came around his desk, grabbed Billy none too gently by his thin shoulders and thrust Billy out of his office. He ordered Billy to go home immediately, saying he would stop by Billy's house later to have words with his parents.
   In confused tears, Billy, made the long walk home, realizing how far it actually was without the bus ride. When he finally got homee, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
   "Billy!" she cried, coming down the walk to meet him, "I've been so worried about you! What happened?"
   "Mom..." Billy got out between sobs, "Everyone... was being so mean to me today... I had to sit... in the back of the bus all by myself... and nobody would talk to me... and... and the teacher sent me to the principal's office... and the principal suspended me..."
   "Oh, my poor baby," consoled his mother. "But why?"
   "It's all because..."began Billy, wiping his tears off his snotty nose, "...because I asked about the Toeknock Spirit."
   The slap that his mother gave him across his cheek rocked Billy back a couple of steps. He looked up at her glaring face in disbelief. She looked apoplectic and Billy could see she was just barely holding her temper in.
   "I can't talk to you right now and I don't want to see you right now." his mother said slowly and dangerously. She was biting back a shriek of righteous outrage. "Get up to your room immediately!" she ordered. "Get! Just wait until your father gets home!"
   His cheek burning with pain and his heart feeling ten times worse, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on his bed, letting full vent to his tears. They soon soaked his pillow.
   After some amount of time, he heard his father's car pull in and the car door shutting. He also heard another car pull up and Mr. Torvald's unmistakeable voice calling his father's name. A few seconds later he heard the downstairs door open and his father and the principal come into the house talking animatedly. His mother's voice soon joined the conversation. Though it was obviously quite heated, couldn't hear what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
   "Billy," his father began in that growling tone he saved for when his son had misbehaved, "Your mother and your principal tell me you've been acting badly lately. But I would like to hear from your own lips what you've done?"
   "Dad, I haven't done anything!" Billy protested through his tears. "I just don't know what the Toeknock Spirit is!"
   His father clsed his eyes tightly and clenched and unclenched his fists several times, breathing deeply. It was several seconds before he could answer.
   "I see..." said his father in an even more dangerous tone. "Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And you can forget about dinner!"
   Billy's father slammed the door and stomped off. Billy stared unbelieving at the door for almost a minute before collapsing on his bed again in tears. He was exhausted from all the emotional stress and the long walk home. He cried himself to sleep and his parents never came up to his room that night. They didn't trust themselves not to lose their temper with him.
   Billy woke in the dark of the night, cold and damp and dejected, his dried tears leaving salty tracks on his cheeks. He didn't know what had woken him but he thought he had heard a voice through his dreams.
   Then, from nowhere in the darkness of his room, he heard a voice.
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy..."
   Billy sat up with a jolt. He scanned around the room, peering in the near-pitch dark, trying to find the source of that breathy, but somehow kindly sounding voice. But he wasn't sure where it came from.
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit. Come find me, Billy."
   Now he knew! The voice was coming from outside his window.
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit. Let me help you..."
   The voice was strangely calming and Billy uncannily felt more at ease that he had the whole terrible day. He got up[ and went to the window and looked out. It was dark, with no moon, but the stars were out.
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit... Come with me, Billy... You will see..."
   Billy HAD to know, now. So Billy went back to his bed, pulled his shoes and jacket on and went back to the window. He climbed out the window and onto the roof.
   "Billy.... Come on, my boy... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy... I can help you..."
   Billy still couldn't see where the voice was coming from but he could sense it was near. He followed.
   "I am the Toeknock Spirit..."
   Following the kindly voice as it moved away from him, Billy jumped down off the roof and headed toward the sidewalk.
   "Follow, Billy.... Follow... Follow the Toeknock Spirit, Billy..."
   Still feeling safe and curious, Billy followed the voice down the road until he got to the edge of the nearby Park Woods. He'd played there many times in the daytime with his friends before this past awful day had happened. He wasn't afraid of the woods and the voice was leading him there anyway.
   "Come on, Billy.... it's me... the Toeknock Spirit, Billy... follow if you want to know..."
   Billy followed into the Park Woods. It was very dark there. He could hardly see anything now, and he kept falling down and walking into things, though he knew these paths very well. But, he wasn't scared. That kindly voice was just ahead of him, drawing him on.
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy..."
   Billy folllowed and he now was pretty sure where he was headed.
   "Billy.... That's right... Follow, Billy..."
   Suddenly, Billy was out of the Woods and could see much more now. He was on the shore of little Taylor's Lake on the edge of town. He'd been here many times before as well, though never at night.
   "Billy... out here, Billy .... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy... You're very close now..."
   It was coming from just off shore. Billy still couldn't see much, but he thought he saw a lightly glowing form just above the water. He went to the water's edge and bumped his knee against something dark and hard.
   "Billy...."
   It was a rowboat. Billy knew it was there. He'd been out in it with some of the older kids, but never by himself, even in daylight.
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit... Hurry Billy... you'll soon see..."
   Billy decided. He'd come this far. He'd see it through and finally know. He climbed in the boat and pushed off shore.
   "Billy.... Good... Come to me... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy... Let me help you..."   
   With some difficulty, Billy fitted the heavy oars in the oarlocks and began to row. It was slow going, but Billy was determined now. He slowly got closer to the voice.
   "Billy.... You are almost here... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy..."   
   Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. Finally When he was about half way across the small lake, he heard the voice more clearly than ever:
   "Billy.... I am the Toeknock Spirit, Billy... I'm up here, Billy. Look up!"
   It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to peer into the moonless night above him to finally see what this elusive Toeknock Spirit. He suddenly lost his balance and the boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy drowned.
   "Oh, Billy... When boating, you should always wear a personal flotation device..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: GUEST,maturist
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 01:07 AM

If You're Over 40:



Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone

Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis

ABBA - Denture Queen

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom

Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair

The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends

Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising

Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication

The Troggs - Bald Thing....

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 01:05 AM

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy: "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,"You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy,"You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcould nay find him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand
and yells....SUPPLIES!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 07 Dec 06 - 12:30 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a ten year old boy were adrift in a lifeboat.

Oh wait a minute let me check Little Hawk's rules up above.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 06 - 11:04 PM

An incredible story about an elephant's memory


A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man.

The man couldn't help wondering if, these many years later, this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly. Then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back expectantly.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, mangling him horribly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:19 AM

My wife thinks this is not mature, but I think it is funny at least.

1985. This man sitting on the sofa, elder daughter L., 5 yrs) in right arm, younger daughter (T., 3 yrs) in left.

T. (just so): I am a little joker!
L.: I can't hear you!
T.(louder): I am a little joker!
L.(louder): I can't hear you!
T.(still louder): I am a little joker!
L.(still louder): I can't hear you!
Enter Mama: What nonsense is going on here?
This man: We are playing parade ground.
Mama: And what is your part, you old jackass?
This man: Drill supervision.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 15 Mar 06 - 06:03 PM

Rapaire

LOL

Ivor

PS Sorry for delay.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Mar 06 - 02:26 PM

A young woman, it is said, came up to Samuel Johnson (of dictionary fame) at a party. Surprised by his lack of personal hygiene, she exclaimed, "Doctor Johnson, you smell!"

"No, madam," he replied, "You smell. I stink."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Mar 06 - 11:32 AM

Mrs.Webster gets home from a night out with the girls. Getting upstairs, she finds Mr.Webster, he of dictionary fame) in bed with the maid.

Mrs.W. exclaims,"Mr. Webster, I AM surprised."

He replies,"No, Mrs.Webster, IIII am suprised. You are amazed."




Ivor

P.S. I would like to draw people's attention back to the first word of the thread.
And I don't know how to.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Mar 06 - 10:58 AM

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging his gin as he sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"Good golly!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: labougie
Date: 12 Mar 06 - 08:22 AM

I rather liked (as an alternative last line):

In his crypt - fitted out as an aviary.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Mar 06 - 09:07 PM

A habit obscene and unsavory
HOlds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery.
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keep in an underground aviary.

But the prior of Dunstan St. Just,
Consumed with erotical lust,
Raped the bishop's prize fowls
(His treasured young owls)
And a little green lizard, what bust.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: labougie
Date: 11 Mar 06 - 08:48 PM

When Titian was mixing Rose Madder
His model was poised on a ladder.
'Her position' said Titian, 'Inspires coition'-
So he nipped up the ladder and 'ad 'er.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Mar 06 - 08:51 AM

The Aristocrats is told similarly about the upper classes and the Royal Family.

Except slightly different punch line - "What do they call this family? "Why, they are called the Aristocrats".

It is (reputedly) a sort of "a secret joke" known only to professional comedians who tell it amongst themselves.

Clearly it isn´t!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 11 Mar 06 - 04:47 AM

Johnny came home from school, and proudly announced "I learned a new word today".

Suspiciously Dad replied "What letter does it begin with?"

"F", came the reply.

Slightly worried dad said "What letter does it end with?"

"M" said Johnny.

"Oh! That's OK, so what's the word?

"FUCKEM"

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Mar 06 - 08:43 AM

The lobbyist was brought up before rural judge for drunken driving, public intoxication, and generally rude conduct. He pled guilty and was fined $1,000 and costs.

With a smirk he pulled a well-stuffed wallet out of his back pocket and counted out the total amount. He handed it to the baliff and say to the Judge in a VERY supercilious voice, "Will that be all? I can pull more out of my wallet if it's not. I wouldn't want to leave this hick town with a debt."

The Judge, enraged, smacked down his gavel and roared, "And ninety days for contempt of court! And let's see you pull that out of your ass-end pocket, smart boy!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Mar 06 - 05:53 AM

Bertrand Russell gets arrested in Trafalgar Square, when he was protesting against the possibility of nuclear weapons being used.

He's taken to prison.

In prison, a warder askes him,"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a philosopher."

"A philosopher? What does that mean , then?"

"It means tha I think."

"Oh. I see. Well, squire, do you think you could clean out your cell?"





Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Mar 06 - 09:16 PM

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all them there lawsuits
going on Im feeling kinda left out .... how do I get in on some of that
action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they got cancer,and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got
themselves fat."

His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

The Newfie answers...."Neider bye, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: bobad
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 03:20 PM

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 02:34 PM

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. I wonder how mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 02:31 PM

Den, that was a lot of work for very little reward.
I for one thank you.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 05:39 AM

Oh, that one goes,

Some musicologists finally get permission to open Beethoven's tomb, as they are sure they will find something of profound importance.

The lid is opened and they find a little wizened figure pouring over a manuscript, regularly scratching out stuff on the score.

"Ludwig?", one of them calls,"Is that you, Ludwig?".

"Ja," comes the reply,"It is me."

"Ludwig,vut are you doing?"

"Can't you see? I'm decomposing."






I also love the true story about the English composer Vaughan Williams.

He put down his baton (he conducted,too) at the end of his own 4th(?) symphony, one of his most discordant works and remarked,

"Well, if that's your modern music, you can keep it."


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Mar 06 - 03:48 AM

Ludwig decomposing?

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 07:55 PM

I walked by Beethoven's grave and heard the entire Ninth symphony being played backwards.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 07:23 PM

"Ludwig,"said Mother Beethoven.

"Yes, muzzer"

"Come down now, you're dinner's ready."

"I caan't muzzer, I'm compawsing"(going for the accent)

"Oh,Ludwig, you and your da da da daaaah;da da da daaaaah>"

"Zat's IT muzzer!!!!!. Muzzer , you're a genius !!"




iVOR

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 02:44 PM

Ron - the version I got (source unrecorded) was ,

"You could fit all the sincerity into a flea's navel abd still have room for 2 caroway seeds and a publicist's heart."

The sourcing to Ernie Kovacs I took fro m a dict.(to repeat, that's 'dict.') of comic quotes.


"Oscar, I passed your house the other day."

Wilde," Thank you."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: WFDU - Ron Olesko
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 11:59 AM

The one quote that I love is - "Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in the navel of a flea and still have enough room for a network president's heart."

Having spend 12 years at a network, I think Allen was being kind in his assessment!   Watching the "powers that be" come up with their programming decisions is amazing.

On the other hand, I do think that when Allen made his comments, TV was in its infancy. People like Kovacs would come along and show the true art that could be conceived with the medium.   TV is easy to dismiss because of "junk", but it can also offer a lot of "mature wit and humor" as well!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 11:50 AM

I agree heartily with Allen on his every point.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 11:24 AM

Personally, I find both Chaucer and Shakespeare to be real knee-slappers. (Really!)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: WFDU - Ron Olesko
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 11:21 AM

"Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. (Ernie Kovacs.)"

I'm not sure if that quote actually came from Kovacs or not.

Fred Allen once said "Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.. [It is] radio fluoroscoped; the triumph of machinery over people; a "medium" because anything good on it is "rare.""

Kovacs saw television for the opportunities that it presented and he became one of its innovators.   Allan was never a success on televsion.

Other quotes from Allen:

"Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in the navel of a flea and still have enough room for a network president's heart."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"A kind of radio which lets people at home see what the studio audience is not laughing at."

"The triumph of machinery over people."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: JennyO
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 10:52 AM

Two nuns are driving down the street behind the Bobbitts' car. At that moment, Loreena rolls down the window and flings her husband's penis out the window, and it hits the windshield of the nuns' car behind them.
Shocked, one nun turns to the other and says "Jeeez - did you see the size of the dick on that moth?"

Two nuns are in a bath. The first one says, "Where's the soap?" and the second one replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 05:08 AM

Mature, witty, and not for adults only:

When Cicero saw his son-in-law Lentulus, a man of very short figure, girt with a long sword he said: "Who tied my son-in-law to the sword?"

(Translated form the original Latin)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 12:38 AM

Two nuns were driving along in a car. Suddenly Dracula lands on the hood and tries to get at them through the sun roof.

"Quick, sister!" screams the driver, "Show him your cross!"

So the second sister sticks her head out the window and yells, "Oi! You! Get th' fuck off our car or I'll kick your undead ass!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 06:44 PM

A little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up I want to be a musician". Mom replies, "Son, you can't have it both ways".

Which part of the United States government is in charge of everything outside? The Department of the Interior.

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 06:01 PM

Two nuns were bicycling through one of the old European cities. The younger, who was unfamiliar with the neighborhood they were in, said, "Sister Mary, I've never come this way before."

"It's the cobblestones," came the reply.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 03:53 PM

A priest and a rabbi used to meet each other every wednesday, both on bikes.

One wednesday, the priest is riding along and comes upon the rabbi on foot. Gets off. "Rabbi, where's your bike?".

Thus the rabbi,"Dunno. I just can't remember."

Priest says," I have a suggestion. I lost my bike once. So the following sunday, instead of delivering the sermon, I simply read out the Ten Commandments. Finished the service, people left. As I was leaving, I found my bike propped up outside. Obviously,'Thou Shalt Not Steal' had pricked someone's conscience. Problem solved."

The rabbbi replied,"Sounds good.I'll try it," and they go their ways.

The next wednesday, the priest is cycling along, and meets the rabbi, back on a bike.

"Rabbi,I see you've got your bike back. Did you try my method?".

Rabbi replies,"Certainly did. Instead of my sermon, I began reading out the Ten Commandments,and when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. THEN I remembered where I left it."

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Den
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 01:54 PM

Here you go.

The circus comes to Belfast and wee Jimmy decides to take the day off
looking for work and bring a little enjoyment into his otherwise mundane life. "To the circus cries Jimmy," as he climbs into a black hack on Castle street. "Is that Carlisle Circus?" says the hackneyed hack handler. "No way mucker," says Jimmy, "take me to Duffy's Circus."

Ten minutes later he arrives at the Big Top ticket booth and can't help but notice that the young lady selling the tickets is extremely
attractive. Wee Jimmy is well taken and chats amiably with the handsome young ticket vendor. Things are going very well for Jimmy and he persuades the young woman to join him when the show starts. After the ticket counter closes the young woman joins wee Jimmy in his seat and they proceed to get along like a house on fire. That is until the clowns appear in the ring. The crowd cheers and the spotlight sweeps across the rows of excited faces. One of the clowns stares up from the ring when the spotlight stops on the faces of wee Jimmy and his charming companion. This particular clown really fancies the young ticket purveyor and is therefore not amused to see her sitting with wee Jimmy and aparently having a very good time into the bargain. The clown runs to the edge of the ring and calls out for all to hear. "You there." The crowd falls silent with anticipation and the spotlight focuses on Jimmy. "Who me", says Jimmy rather weakly. "Yes you," says the clown. "Could you answer me a question," he continues. "I s'pose I could," says Jimmy clearing his throat and shifting uneasily in his seat. "Well then," says the clown, "are you the front end of an ass?" "No way", says Jimmy. "OOOh," says the crowd collectively. "Well then," says the clown with a satisfied smirk on his face. "Are you the back end of an ass?" "Ohhh",
cry the crowd in unison. "No friggin' way," says Jimmy glancing sideways at his handsome companion. "Well then", cries the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd erupt in gales of laughter. The young woman leaps out of her seat and makes a hasty retreat in the direction of away. The clowns tumble across the ring, the drums roll and poor Jimmy slinks out of his seat and hurries toward the exit truely mortified.

He heads down the Falls road silently cursing the smart arsed clown and his own inability to come up with an answer for him. "If only," thought Jimmy, "I'd had a better education and not left school early to persue a career as a bodhran dancer, Ahh but sure the costumes would have turned any impressionable young man's head". Jimmy trudged on, lost in his own thoughts, when out of the corner of his eye he spied a flashing neon sign, that read, "AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee, witty remarks while you wait". "By Jingo," says Jimmy, "that's the boy for me," and he races across the road weaving between overloaded taxis and chain smoking single mothers pushing double barrelled push chairs.

The shop bell dinged as Jimmy pushed open the door an entered AMAZING
HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee's emporium. The room was
bare except for a counter at one end which had a trail of smoke wafting up from behind it. Jimmy walked up to the counter and standing on tiptoe strained to look over it. On the other side of the counter sat a short man in a dark blue three piece suit and a tattered cloth cap reading the racing form. "Excuse me mate," says Jimmy "is AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee in". The wee man set aside his newspaper and looked at Jimmy through glasses with lenses so thick his eyes appeared to be in the back of his head. "Yes son," he said, "Im yer man, what's up." "Well ye see," said Jimmy and he related his story about the beautiful young woman, the sarcastic clown and the events at the circus. "No problem," says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, when Jimmy had finished his story. "I'll take care of yer man for ye, for a price." "Name it", says Jimmy. "Twenty five quid", says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "that's steep",
says Jimmy. "Its up to you son", says Amazing Harry retrieving his
paper. Jimmy thought for a moment, getting his own back on the clown
would be great but impressing the young ticket seller would definately
be greater. "Ok," says Jimmy, "you're hired." "Right", says Amazing,
"we'll see you at the circus the morra."

Next day Jimmy could hardly wait and rushed off up the Falls road for
the afternoon matinee show of the circus. True to his word there stood
AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee waiting for him at the ticket booth. As luck would have it the same young woman was selling tickets. Jimmy walked up bought two tickets and after apologizing profusely managed to persuade the young woman to join them when the show started. Once inside Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee found their seats and settled in. Jimmy handed the twenty five pound fee to Amazing and they both waited for the young woman to join them, which she soon did. Just as before, things were going very well between Jimmy and his female companion. The events of the previous day were almost forgotten until the music began and the clowns took to the ring. Once more the spotlight searched the audience and once more the same clown spied Jimmy with his estranged par-amour. The clown once more trotted to the edge of the ring and gazed up at his rival. The spotlight
followed the clowns gaze and settled on Jimmy, the young woman and
AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Well, well",
says the clown and the crowd once again fall silent. "May I ask you a
question", he says, looking at Jimmy. "Fire away oul han'," said Jimmy
confidently. "Are you the front end of an ass"? said the clown. Jimmy
made a sideways glance at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master
of Repartee, before answering, "not atall." "Then are you the back end
of an ass?" said the clown smiling maliciously. Jimmy could feel his throat tighten as he turned to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, who sat munching popcorn. "Well no," replied Jimmy less confidently. The crowd remained hushed. You could have heard a pin drop. "Well then," said the clown,"you must be no end an ass." Again the crowd roared with laughter, the young woman fled from her seat and Jimmy gaped open-mouthed at AMAZING HARRY.

Once outside the circus tent Jimmy rounded on AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Why the hell didn't you say something?" he yelled. "I was sizin' him up son," replied Amazing, "I wanted till see what he had, I'll be ready for him the next time." "The next time?" said Jimmy "what do you mean next time?" "Listen son", said AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, "you meet me here tomorrow for the show and we'll sort your man out, he'll not know what hit him, I'll put him down that hard he'll think he's surrounded, oh by the way that'll be another twenty five quid."

Next day Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee arrive at the big top. As before Jimmy worked his charm on the youn ticket seller who agreed to join him after Jimmy assured her there would be no repeat of what happened before. He tells her he has brought along a friend who is a notorious wit and that the sacastic clown would definately meet his match that very afternoon. Reluctantly the young ticket seller agreed to join them when the show started.

When they were all settled in their seats Jimmy waited for the arrival of the clowns into the ring quietly confident that his adversary would meet his match. As before when the clown arrived he made straight for the edge of the ring and the spotlight once more fell on Jimmy. "Can I ask you a question," cries the clown and the audience fall silent. "Ask away," says Jimmy. "Are you the front end of an ass?" says the clown. Oooh, says the crowd. Jimmy looks at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee before replying, "no I'm not." "Are you the back end of an ass?" says the clown. Ohhh, says the crowd. Again Jimmy looks at Amazing Harry a little desperately. Still AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee says nothing. "No", says Jimmy, panic welling up in his eyes. "Well" laughs the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd roar with laughter, the girl runs from her seat as Jimmy turns to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. Suddenly AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee throws his bag of popcorn to the ground, jumps to his feet, stares directly at the clown and yells, "fuck off you red nosed bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: JennyO
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 10:22 AM

I had no trouble watching it with Firefox, either.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 10:16 AM

"If he is outstanding in his field he has probably worked harder than most don't you think?"

Maybe it's winter.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 08:15 AM

If he is outstanding in his field he has probably worked harder than most don't you think?

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: MaineDog
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 08:01 AM

A farmer outstanding in his field may do well, but a farmer who works out in his field will do better.
MD

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 05:16 AM

Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. (Ernie Kovacs.)

And to anticipate the next question, a television is a box with a screen on which you can see people that you wouldn't want in your home,(or as it has become recently,and significantly, your "property")

Three threads for the price of ...er - um - ( wanders off, muttering about conundra)

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Paul Burke
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 03:58 AM

Sorry, Rapaire, the U in UTP stands for UNSCREENED.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Amos
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 12:23 AM

Safari handled it okay. You may need to update your player.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: mack/misophist
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:46 PM

Opera 8.51 handled the video nicely. So did Firefox 1.5.0.1. And Galeon 1.3.19. Then I stopped checking.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 09:20 PM

Bill D - that monkey video came thru on my Win98SE with MSIE V6 - but with dialup I didn't wait to see it all. Know the joke anyway... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:12 PM

...and the lead dog ALWAYS has to be concerned about the reach and intentions of the #2 dog...

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 06:56 PM

The view looks the same to all but the lead dog.