BS: The History of England part one.

Subject: BS: The History of England - part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:03 PM

Way back when, a long time ago, we were building chicken houses.

Now it's easy to build a chicken house, you just sit your chicken in the middle of where the house is going to be and then you drive a post in the ground at a suitable radius. Now the chicken will look at the post and then it will turn its head. But when a chicken turns its head it doesn't do it smoothly, it will turn its head with a short jerky movement.

So you drive another post in the ground where the chicken is looking now. Then you wait for the chicken to turn its head again and drive another post in the ground right at the spot the chicken is looking at. And you keep doing this all around in a circle.

The chicken can't see the gaps between the posts 'cos it looks at the first post and then turns its head with a jerk and then it sees another post and so on. So you have effectively trapped the chicken in its pen, because it can't see the spaces between the posts.   

We started off by building our chicken houses out of wood, but folks would come and chop up the posts for firewood so we had to resort to building them out of stone. You can still see a few of them left dotted around the English countryside.

Now we didn't call them hen houses because they didn't have a roof so we called them hen places or hen worlds. Our word for world back then was Gee, you see it used today in words like geode and geography. That one that's still standing on Salisbury plain was called Stone Hen Gee which got shortened over the years to Stone Henge. You will notice that the stones are quite close together compared to the one at Avebury just a few miles up the road.

I don't know why archaeologists haven't figured out what it was. They come up with all sorts of crackpot theories like it was a temple or an observatory or a calendar.

But its true use is quite clear from its name, its a hen house "Stone Hen world".

And the one at Averbury, that name is quite clear too if you just think about it a little.

Folks to this day still call a bird house an Aviary which is simply derived from the name Avebury.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:16 PM

It's all urban legend ... started by the Romans I believe.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:22 PM

Not 'Urban Legend'!!! All those that we built near the towns were plundered for building materials, so only the RURAL ones are left.

Oh, and then the Urban Councils passed laws that stopped people keeping chickens in town.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:23 PM

No, no...it's all true. No one named Bert would fib, prevericate or even lie outright.

Besides, chickens were a LOT bigger years ago. That's why the stones are so large. Those chickens are the reason that mammoths become extinct in Britain -- the druids had nothing at all to do with the extinction of the mammoths.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:24 PM

"Urban Councils passed laws that stopped people keeping chickens in town" .... and goats too. If the chickens where kept in coups, where did they keep the goats?

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:27 PM

Interesting, absolutely interesting ... and who says one cannot learn things from the Mudcat.

Funny ... I always thought the history of Britain started at the tiem of the Roman occupation ... or was it an occupation?

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:31 PM

Oh YEAH! You thought you'd got me there didn't ya Number6.

Well if it's 'written' it's 'history'. Even if I only just wrote it. So there!

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:34 PM

Then what the hell do I believe now ... Bert or the Romans ??

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:42 PM

Well I WAS THERE! AND I helped build it. Them Romans are all dead and gone.

So ya'd better believe me or I'll come down there and punch yer bleedin' lights out.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:45 PM

Ok .. Ok .. don't develop an attitude over this .. I believe ya ok .. yeah, monster sized chickens roamin over the English countryside ... I guess the Brits had a lot to eat (protein) back then.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:47 PM

Ocourse we 'ad to eat a lot of protein. We 'ad to carry them big bleedin stones all the way from Gallia.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:50 PM

By God !! You are making sense Bert. It all makes sense. Of course, the mystery of Stone Henge er Stone Hen is coming to light.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:24 AM

"Urban Councils passed laws that stopped people keeping chickens in town" .... and goats too. If the chickens where kept in coups, where did they keep the goats?"

In Groups.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 04:04 AM

Bert, I find your ideas both original and amusing, unfortunately, the amusing parts are not original and the original parts are not amusing.

Sir jOhn from Hull where are you when we need you ?

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:53 AM

sIx - you COULD try history books rather than belief (?)


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:56 AM

Of course, groats occur in goups...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:56 AM

History is written by the winners. Truth is remembered by losers, but Truth will eventually triumph over History.

Never forget what D'Israeli Gladstone, the great British Prime Minister once said: "The Truth is out there."

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Desdemona
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 09:19 AM

Everyone knows that Stonehenge is the first British roundabout!

Duh.

~D

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 10:44 AM

I thought Stonehenge was an early attempt to invent the wheel by committee...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 10:49 AM

Obviously whether the stones are close together or further apart depends on whether you used a near-sighted chicken or a far-sighted chicken to make the initial placements.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:11 AM

And blind chickens escaped and terrorized the countryside, even knocking down stones and freeing their cohorts to attack the Cohorts.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:15 AM

No, No, No, You've got it all wrong. Stone Henge was an overtaking bay for the chickens, when they got stuck behind a caravan on their migration down to Cornwall....

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:20 AM

You do realize that the chalky soil is composed mostly of weathered giant chicken droppings?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:23 AM

Chickens don't migrate! Those chickens in Cornwall are original settlers from ancient times. Chicken are VERY territorial and would have thrown those large stones at interlopers. When they did, they cried "DUCK!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:40 AM

And when the ducks ducked the chickens shouted chicken?

:D (tG)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:47 AM

And you realize what is all over those white cliffs of Dover - it ain't bluebird droppings, no.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:53 AM

Another little known fact of English History

THE LEGEND OF BUDDE WASSER

Back in time, when the world was younger then it is now, roughly 1067 AD or so, the English were suffering a great dilemma. Willy the Bastard and his Norman crew were running rampant across the countryside, and being as they were winning they expected to get things for free; things like sex, food, clothing, and beer. Especially beer.

Now beer, being the qintessential English drink that it is, was far too important to the average bloke in the street to allow these Norman dogs to be quaffing it under their noses,especially if the pig-dogs didn't pay for it! And since practically every household prided itself on the quality of their brewing it truly hurt that the Normans could not even appreciate the quality - as their palates had been ruined by drinking that effete Norman wine. Can you imagine, the Normans actually preffered the fermented grape to a properly brewed malt beverage!

Now in considering what to do the doughty English considered well; for if they merely hid their brewings, the Normans were sure to search high and low, uncovering more then just the beer barrels. It would never due for the Norman men at arms to discover just how many English goods were escaping taxation!

While the Anglo-Saxon brains seethed furiously trying to discover an escape from this dillemma a thought finally struck. In the springtime and up until barley harvest when stocks of the previous years barley were nearly exhausted it was customary to use the lees of a previous brewing and double or triple the normal amount of water to make a weak, poor, nearly colourless and tasteless "beer" which, though beneath contempt under normal circumstances, was sufficient for children, serfs, apprentices and the poor. It was better then water, after all, though barely. This drink (for it was difficult indeed to term it "beer") was oft times known as "budde wasser" for it was brewed in the time of the budde (or budtime); spring. But it was known as "wasser" rather then "ale" for few cared to give it the dignity of actually considering the drink to be a proper brew. You could see through it! but for the Normans it would certainly be sufficient - in fact they would probably never notice.

thus the brewers used the spent grains from their actual beermaking to brew batch after batch of budde-wasser - which was left conveniently poorly hidden so that the Norman soldiers could plunder it at their will. The TRUE ales were much better hidden.

Over time budde-wasser became Budwiesser. And thereby hangs the tale.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 01:41 PM

This just keeps getting better... BRAVO!!! You guys have made my day.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:04 PM

Julius Caesar attempted to invade Britain in 55 BCE. He didn't make, but not for the reasons he gave. Recent discoveries in a chalk pit, found when the overlaying soil collapsed (and dropped four navvies, a policeman, and an urn of tea into a pit approximately three feet deep) have clearly shown the presence on the cliffs of Dover of a line of giant chickens, possibly ridden by Picts and their allied tribe, the Chufles.

It was written in a now-lost manuscript of Deodorius Cassius Lupus that one of the most chilling sights in the Ancient World was an attack by Picts riding giant chickens, followed by the Chufles with their warbrooms.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:13 PM

Do not forget the ancient tin mines, all of which were dug by Picts and Chufles. They would sell the tin ore to Beaker Traders, who wanted it to make bronze, which was the reason the Picts and Chufles sold it to the traders, the coin of the day being bronze.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: GUEST,DB
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:22 PM

I suspect fowl play...

Well, someone had to say it!!!

Don't look at me like that!!!    Sorry!!!

...I'll get me coat ...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:25 PM

After the Romans were defeated, all of them falling into the deep trenches dug by Picts and Chufles, the giant chickens, seeing all the carnage, felt very remorseful. They were fearful of retribution if Rome should hear of their deeds, so they roosted on top of the trenches and laid eggs until the trenches were fully covered. These were the first Guilted Eggs known to history.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:36 PM

Shortly after that - one of the famous woman warriors of the island took a giant guilted chicken egg, cracked it in half, and used the egg cups as part of her armor. The protective garment she invented was named after this famous warrior Queen, and became known as the "bodicea" - but somewhere along the way it lost the "a".

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:51 PM

I have it on good authority that goats were kept in "Tees" a shortened version for TeePees, borrowed from Native Americans LONG before Columbus sailed, eons before he sailed. Goatherders always had a certain kind of inverted V beard which, to this day, is known as a goat-tee, an obvious contraction of goat and teepee. (Well you wouldn't want to sprout a goat-pee, now wouldja?!)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:52 PM

England's own history is easily summed up in three words. Rape, pillage plunder.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:56 PM

The bodice quickly caught on among the Pict women. Being very atheletic, active types, they quickly came to value the greater support the new armor offered.

The giant chickens gave a rough, bouncing ride and the development of the bodice made the ride much more comfortable for these buxom lasses. But as they rode along on the backs of the chickens, the two halves of the bodice tended to bounce against one another, making a knocking sound. A whole troup of female warriors galloping along on their chickens, was quite something to hear and see. It is thought the phrase 'Would you look at those knockers' originated from this period in Pict history.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 03:21 PM

Students of Etymology now believe that it was these flocks of pictish warrior women that led to one common phrase; since bystanders would gleefully announce to invaders the approach of the women on their riding chickens With shouts of "you're going to get flocked!" - soon shortened to "Flock You!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 04:39 PM

Much later, the Normans held sway over the major towns, but many unsubdued Anglo-Saxons in the countryside made it very dangerous for Norman officials to move about from town to town. Carrying the mail was a particularly precarious occupation. Mail carriers were frequently accosted on the roads and by-ways between towns, robbed of their freight, and sometimes even killed.

As with children everywhere, the children in the towns made up street rhymes and games. One game that young boys in particular liked to play was "Who Will Carry the Mail." The rules and actions associated with the game have been lost to history, but the accompanying rhyme is still commonly heard with some more modern adaptions, and suggests it was a game of bravado.

It goes like this:

"Who will carry the Mail?"
"I'll carry the mail."
"Through the woods?"
"Through the woods!"
"But what about the Saxons?"
"Flock the Saxons."
"You'd flock a Saxon?"
"I'd flock a chicken."
"Why, you dirty fowlflocker you.
You ought to be hung upside down from a tree and fed Ex-Lax"
"I'd sh*t!"
"You'die!"
"Then who'd carry the mail?"
(another kid jumps in and it begins again)
"I'll carry the mail"
etc.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: GUEST,AR282
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:04 PM

>>And you realize what is all over those white cliffs of Dover - it ain't bluebird droppings, no.<<

The white cliffs of Dover were the biggest disappointment of my travels. I always imagined crossing through the English Channel and seeing huge towering cliffs gleaming white in the sun. Instead all I saw was a low somewhat chalky looking hill with a radio antenna or something on it.

As for Stonehenge, sorry, I do not believe a word about this being chicken pen. Really. Unless of course someone can prove the builders named it that. If aviary is related to Avebury, then Avebury is a Roman designation since aviary comes from the Roman "augur" a fortune-teller who plies his craft by watching the flight of birds. While Stonehenge was not built by druids, it is certainly a calendar--the evidence for this is overwhelming.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:18 PM

" It is thought the phrase 'Would you look at those knockers' originated from this period"

the entire phrase was " 'Would you look at those knockers on that CHICK!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:21 PM

AR282 ... do you really believe everything you read?

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:10 PM

I am.... and... loving it! Great history!

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:17 PM

Calendar? Calendar? If Stonehenge were a calendar I'd like to see the size of the woman who strained her veggies through it.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:20 PM

oh, sure...here you are

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:34 PM

Yep, She's a big Briton, Bill ...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:17 PM

Janie, a warning before your posts, please, so I don't spit all over my keyboard!!**LOL**

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:19 PM

How many keyboards do you go through Kat??

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:55 PM

Three keyboards a week, but it would be five with the proper condiment, Gunpowder Mustard. They just don't taste right without it...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:58 PM

Another invention that arose from the unique collaboration of the chickens and peoples of the British Isles was feather dusters.

It is not surprising, given the key role chickens have played in English history, that they were honored, even hallowed. Treated like honored guests, hens were free to roost anywhere they chose, and could often be found nesting indoors. It is said that even King Arthur's throne hatched more than one clutch of cluckers.

While still much larger than the chicken of today, by the time of King Arthur, the true Giant Chicken was rare. The average chicken by that time was probably closer to the size of a Newfoundland dog.

(Paleontologists speculate that the evolutionary downsizing was probably due to the fact the mammoths were at last extinct and the great size of the original British chicken then became a liability. Natural selection by then favored smaller chickens. Myself, I believe housewives began selective breeding for smaller sized chickens. More later on that interesting topic.)

The glorious days of the Amazonian warrior princesses of the Picts had long passed. The main task of women was to care for hearth and home. In those far off days there was no air conditioning. In fact, it is unlikely there was glass in the windows. A woman could dust from daylight until dark, only to find that the surfaces where she began that morning were covered again in dust by the time she finished that night. These smart and observant women noticed when chickens moved across the benches and tables, that dust free trails were left in their wake. But who would dare pluck a sacred chicken?

There was, however, still the problem of bird droppings. A rather significant problem, that. And the bird dropping really bothered the women. The bird droppings infuriated the women. Although they appeared to be meek and mild goodwives, the blood of warriors still ran in their veins. They told stories among themselves of the warrior princesses of old, of how they had mastery over the chickens and rode upon their backs. And the chickens were rumoured to have been much, much larger animals in those olden times.

According the legends of King Arthur's time, one goodwife, one day, errupted in rage at the chicken poop in the soup. Breaking the hundreds of years old taboos, she shot her arm out, grabbed the nearest hen by the neck and snapped it. In a rage, with the chicken neck still firmly clasped in a murderous grip, the goodwife swung the chicken round and round the room in a fiercesome dance. As she swung, the tail feathers of the chicken swept along benches and tabletops, collecting and holding the dust that had coated every flat surface in sight.

Thus, the feather duster was invented.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:00 PM

~~~A PROCLAMATION~~~

As Poet Lariat to The Royal Court of King khandu of Mississippi, and since he's not here to do it himself, and since even if we was here he wouldn't think of it, I do proclaim the following on his behalf:

This thread has shown itself to be bullshit of an extremely fine quality. As such, it is hereby elevated to the status of official satellite thread to The Mother of All BS Threads.

Additionally, Bert and Janie are hereby awarded the title of Honorary MOABite.

Congratulations, Bert and Janie! Your shovels and rubber hip-boots await you!

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:05 PM

I, I--I'm rendered speechless by the honor....

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:46 PM

If it's a satelite thread, then you have to be very careful to throw the BS in all directions equally.
If you throw it only in the direction you're heading, you'll slow down and crash into the accreating mass of Moab, and if you throw it 180 degrees the other way, you'll eventually build up escape velocity and hurtle randomly across the sky, and end up in the music threads.

Boys own book of 101 fun, safe and informative things to do with a planetesimal and a mass driver. Pub. BGC, FBI and freinds.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:48 PM

"You do realize that the chalky soil is composed mostly of weathered giant chicken droppings?"

Sorry to disillusion you Mmario, but we exported all that chickenshit to America, and they're still using it to make politicians and journalists.

I guess we must have missed a bit tho'. How else to explain Tony Blair?

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 09:11 PM

Have you ever noticed that "rendered speechless by the honor" and "rendered speechless by the horror" look a whole lot alike?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 09:21 PM

Now that you mention it....

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 09:30 AM

Hold it. Hold whatever it is you've got in your hands. Hold it tightly, because there is new news (or, as I nearly typed, wen swen).

A recently discovered manuscript, found in the the lower reaches of Castle Rising and dated from the time of Good King Art(hur), discusses the problem of bird droppings in great and rather disgusting detail.

The birds were not usually chickens, for as Janie has pointed out chickens were (usually) considered sacred. Sure, chickens were sometimes involved, but the heretics and apostates who involved chickens were splashed with sacred oil and roasted on a gridiron. This was called a "chicken barbi cue" (from the ancient Pictish goddes "Barbi" and the Indo-European proto-word from which the word "cook" is derived) and was quite The Event.

Back to bird droppings.

Birds, usually caught in the now-extinct towns of Byrde Lyme and Byrde Nette, would be gathered and confined in boxes. To the music of cithera and bagpipes the boxes would be taken to a high place where and ceremoniously released by the high priests. (Note that according to the manuscript only priests did this; the priestesses remarked "What a stupid guy thing! Barbi is gonna be reeeealllly pissed off if them birds get hurt!)

Naturally, most of the birds simply flew away. But a few, and especially chickens, would fall all to the ground many meters below. The sudden stop did the bird little, if any, good.

As this denegrated from some sort of religious rite it became a game children and young pages played, especially at Camelot: they would take a bird up into the rafters of the Great Hall and try to make a dead-center bulls-eye on the Round Table. Chickens would take some extraordinary bounces when they hit and it was considered good fortune to have one of them bounce into your lap or wine cup. The other knights would yell in unison, "You're Chicken!" to the lucky receptor.

That's where the idea of bird droppings came from. (It should be noted that the modern town of Talkeetna, Alaska has an annual celebration similar to this ancient ceremony, but having no birds the natives of Talkeetna celebrate Moose Droppings.)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 10:01 AM

As an aside, the ancient Chinese had a parallel practice but only used laying hens held several meters above small bowls of soup. Egg drop soup continues to be a staple on the menu of Chinese restaurants.

Now, let us get back to Jolly Olde Endgland.

Nest? I mean-Next?

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 10:02 AM

(psst...Rapaire....if you had planned on typing gnu gnus, would you have almost typed ung sung?)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 10:20 AM

A bit later in history - during the reign of Henry III (who was only 9 when he became king) Geoffrey of Montfort invented parliament. The way the sotry goes, Geoffrey, who as any good English Noble of those days, spoke Norman (which is a sorta Britishized version of French- only not really) looked around and thought to himself - "Sacre Bleu! Le Roi est neuf, comment passant? Allez parlez au Mont!" - which, roughly translated means - "holy sh*t! Leroy (his nickname for Henry III) has gotta lotta nerve! (Because - face it, how many adults want to be bossed around by a nine-year-old?) Let's go talk about it on that hill!" So he gathered a bunch of his cronies, lickspittles and other important people and went up on a hill where they couldn't be overheard and decided what they were gonna do.

these little talks became a regular thing - and the "Parlez au Mont" became known (because no one could spell in those days - mostly due to the fact that the Meriam-Webster Dictionary hadn't been published yet) as "parliament"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 11:57 AM

The numerous King Henrys of England were a constant thorn in the side of the French. King Henry I (reigned 1100-1135) wrested Normandy back from his brother and began the consolidation of English power on the Continent. (The Norman Conquest of England in 1099 has proved to have been a double edged sword for France.) Henry II (reigned 1154-1189) was also the Duke of Normandy and Count of Anjou. Although Louis VII of Frances fought his dominance, by the end of the reign of Henry II, he controlled more holdings in France than did the French monarchy.

Scholars generally agree that the word 'onery' derives from 'Henri', (pronounced on-ray) which is French for Henry. There is no consensus, however, on what this signified. Some believe the French developed an expression 'He is Henri' to indicate a person was difficult and quarrelsome, as was the French experience of the Henrys of England. Others believe the term derived from the rather randy reputation of several of the English Henrys. We all know of Henry VIII and his many wives. English scholars also know that Henry I was noted for the largest number of illegitimate children of any English king. The count ranges from 20 to 25 illegitimate issue from Henry I, depending on the source one cites.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 04:00 PM

i hope this isn't the staellite thread to MOATs. I don't want that, any other threads satellite. There's enough arson already with satting allight threads.

this iis part one on#f the history and seemed to come in partway thru. Where did the chickens come from. And the Picts. Who pict them, I'd like to know from on eo of the learned historians?

IIIIIIII thought Stonehenge was a funny way of makuing doors swing.

And once again, not only have the Celt cults and Iceni the moon cults have been written out of history, but not a word about us Jews. Are you sure my ancestors weren't giving those chickens grief. Chickens and no Jewish people wielding non-dairy axes ??!! Hard to swallow. Ah, I've just found a Roman printed book, found outside Driffield, saying the same thing.Go on,prove me wrong.


   ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 04:23 PM

Are you talking about waaaaaaaaaaaay back, when Moses parted the waters of the English Channel?

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 07:04 PM

The Picts were picked by the same people who killed the kilts. In ancient times, kilts were not made of wool, as they are today, they were made of animal hides. To make anything from an animal hide one first had to find where the animal was hiding. More often than not the animal would be found hiding beneath a really nice looking fur coat. At first, people tried to hide under the fur coats with the live animals, often with disastrous results. Fortunately, the DNA of those people is no longer part of the gene pool. More intelligent people were able to figure out that it was easier for them to hide under the fur coat if they first dispatched the animal that was previously hiding there.

It's hypothesized that the first conversation in which the word "kilt" was used went something like:

"Org! How you today hide where Bear hide yesterday?"

"Well, Dorg, being a much more highly evolved example of Homo Sapiens than you and your ilk, I killed the bear and took his hide."

And Dorg, not being the brightest cinder in the campfire, began to refer to Org's new apparel as a "Bear hide kilt".

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 07:25 PM

The Picts and Chufles were of the Iron Age. Although largely assimilated by the Romans and later the Anglo-Saxons, many of their tool designs are still in use. This may be because in the process of assimilation they discovered the wisdom in seeking strong alloyances.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 24 Apr 06 - 11:14 PM

The famous historian, BWL, is acknowledged as the leading scholar on matters relating to the kilt. (It was he who discovered and translated the ancient stone tablets found in the hills above Loch Ness. These tablets revealed that the Picts were one of the lost tribes of Israel. When the tribes went down to Eygpt, the leader of one tribe misheard the instructions. As a result, he lead his people to the English Channel instead.)

But I digress. Back to kilts. Over time, it was recognized that sheep were a lot less treacherous to deal with, and kilts began to be made more commonly of wool. After several centuries it was no longer remembered that kilts were originally bearhide. It was not until BWL published his translation of the first stone tablet that we finally began to understand how the tradition of being bare under the kilt evolved. Over time 'bear hide kilt' and transformed and transposed into 'kilt hide bare.'

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Apr 06 - 11:48 PM

Recent discoveries in the Orkneys have cast some little doubt, albeit not much of a little, on BWL's theory of early kilt materials, at least up in the Orkneys.

Preserved in a beet bog a kilt made entirely of chicken feathers was found by Nils MacNilson in 1956. MacNilson, a local former, used it until his death in 2005 as a cover and comforter for his forms. He told his son, "Aye, laddie, an' it keeps 'em reat wahrm an' comfy, it does" many times, so often that the kid got sick of it. The story of the feather kilt was documented not only by MacNilson's diary, but by the archealogist who was with him when he found it.

DNA samples from the feathers demonstrate conclusively that the kilt was indeed made from the feather of the chicks of the legendary Giant Chickens of Scotland, those used by the Picts and Chufles as their war mounts.

The kilt itself is crudely dyed in the plaid of the Clan Offal, a sett of bile green over puke beige and bruise blue. The belt around the top of the kilt -- a feature not often seen today -- is braided of crude rawhide strips with the hair side inside (which probably caused the wearer a certain amount of discomfort).

The kilt is currently undergoing restoration and study at the Musee d'Orkney in Glensgudal, where it can be viewed by appointment.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 05:34 PM

See, told you so. The Picts as one of the lost tribes. What did i tell you. Just don't know yet how they got lost. Possibly Moses came down from the mountain, saw them worshipping the Golden Chicken and told them to get lost. being obedient chaps, they obliged.

When they got to Scotland, they told their story, preceded by the standard "This'll kill you,", misheard in thos eparts as "This'll kilt you. The Picts hurled theirPicts away and asked the tailors for a killt.So the tailors killt them and became the new Picts. Later they started to make Picts=tures. So Hollywood actually started by Scoyyish killer tailors who just sort of got themselves lost again.

The original sources for all this also got lost, but my intuition never fails.



   ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 08:51 PM

One of the picts earliest and most revered goddesses was Oestre. Every spring, they would dance and sing and drink and feast and otherwise celebrate the returning fertility of the soil. It was so very joyful, after a long winter in Scotland, a winter famous for gray clouds, gray buildings, gray mud, gray snow, gray hair, and generally gray everything. And the one thing that the picts wanted was COLOR! (Being in the Orbit Of Britain they wanted colour, but you know what I mean.) They heard that eggs could be dyed colors other than what came out of the chicken, and they decided to dye the eggs plaid, mostly because they couldn't agree on a color.

Anyway, they soon discovered that packets of plaid dye just weren't available in Scotland. They apparently tried all over Europe -- Gaul, Hunland, Hellas, Roma, Carthage, Hibernia, Iberia, Thule -- and not a packet of plaid dye was to be found. Anywhere.

Eventually, they gave up and decided to dye the eggs blue. This decision was simple, because they had hundreds of packets of blue dye (called "woad") that had been sent as samples from dye makers all over Europe.

Collecting eggs was, they discovered, quite difficult. The Battle Chickens did not, most emphatically, want to surrender their unborn progeny! Trying to take the eggs made the chickens quite peckish, and the pecked picts finally gave up in disgust. Being picts, it didn't occur to them to use turtle, eagle, robin, duck, turkey or other eggs instead.

Then Loffa, the Wart Chief of the Sgudan Picts, tripped over a haggis someone had carelessly left running loose and fell into a vat of boiling woad.

Loffa was fished out uninjured (woad in those by-gone days had a very low boiling point, about 21 degrees C.), but he was bright blue from head to foot. The other picts decided that dyeing people was just as good as dyeing eggs and a lot more pleasant than being pecked at by a ten cubit tall chicken, and enthusiastically built huge woad vats all over Scotland, connecting them with a vast network of trails which were, of course, called "woadways".

For many years the picts were happy being blue. But after several generations, the novelty wore off. Roman legionaires would point at them and laugh; even the Chufles, their friends and allies, would smile behind their hands. Finally, sick at heart, a pict named Woady sat on a stile and plucked out a tune on his "binjo" (the national instrument of the Sgudan Picts) that wasn't upbeat. When asked what sort of music that was, Woady said he called it "the blues" because of being blue all the time.

The other picts promptly took Woady to a psychiatric sacham, who prescribed little blue pills. The pills had a bad effect on Woady's liver functions and turned his skin yellow under the woad dye.

For the rest of his life, Woady, completely different now from the rest of the picts, was an outcast. He wrote a song about his life, you may have heard it: it was called "It's not easy being green."


(This data is translated from manuscripts written in Pictish and currently in the possession of the Rare Books and Manuscripts Division of the National Library of Saxe-Coburg-Greta).

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 10:27 PM

One day Woady went berserk. He ran through the villages brandishing an axe, bashing kettles, busting up haystacks, and chasing whoever was unfortunate enough to get in his way. He was suffering from woad rage.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 11:24 PM

ROF!!!!! HOW have I missed this?????

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 08:29 AM

Generations later, when dyeing yourself blue with woad had fallen out of usage; a few of the younger generations found that woad paste appliad to the skin had a mildly hallucigenic effect; so they used to paint designs on themselves in woad - and would usually get a bit silly, especially if they had a drink or two or seven; this became known as being "On the Woad again"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 09:24 AM

Not to mention those who could not choose a light blue, a dark blue, or whatever blue. This was known as the "muddle of the woad."

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 03:51 PM

I have heard you can buy tins of plaid paint. Bit like red and white square nail polish. Only completely different.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 03:55 PM

I *know* you can buy striped paint - but I've never seen plaid.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 05:57 PM

It is all beginning to make sense! How the lost tribe of Israel ended up in Scotland!

Moses didn't actually give directions to the tribes. He issued woadstones for them to use to find their way. To most of the tribes he issued the high woad(stone.) Having told the Golden Chicken worshipping Picts to get lost, however, it behooved him to make sure they did just that. To the Picts, then, he gave the low woad. And we all know from the chorus to the song that the low woad will get ye to Scotland before the high woad.

(Is this now a music thread? Huh?)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 06:03 PM

is it true that famous Blues musicians hire 'woadies' to keep the show wunning?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 06:15 PM

One day, everyone got bored with being everywhere on time, so they made life more excitring by inventing the bus. Now, everyone could go along crammed together, or sometime no-one, as the bus was early so, nobody caught it, or maybe it would decide just not to stop, as it's cold and wet so those people really should stand around until the next one to enjoy it properly.

The very first busses were driven by Buzzards, and our word for Bus driver has descended from this root and has settled into its modern form, Bastards.

Of course this was before the revolution, when all the Bastards were given the choice of actually doing their job properly, or being placed on a diet consisting entirely of thistles and live hedgehogs...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Apr 06 - 06:27 PM

Aren't thistles and live hedgehogs still the primary foods of Scotland?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:08 PM

Moses didn't give directions 'cos what bloke follows or accepts directions.

There was a third type of woad, the woad to the Isles.

Our story also clearly demonstrats the connection between Jews and tailoring, but also how come the Picts thought they were so special, namely their holy origins. Which also explains where the giant chickens originated - Israel !! There we had chicken broth, thought to have originated when a chicken in Beersheba fell ill. It got better after a healthy chicken was done away with to make the broth, or soup (as it came to be known) which brought the sick chicken back to health.

On the arrival in Scotland, this custom eased into a general broth. But gereal broth was not thought an appealing name for it. So the Picts invented Picth, a drink hard to pronounce. So, givemn the name of the country, they called it whiskey. Then when the country was renamed Scotland (we'll get to England later - first things first), the soup was called bouillabaise, but people couldn't pronounce it and the Pict Academy was dumped. Pict broth sounded like a silly description, hence scotch broth. The recipe for chicken soup got stolen by English soup thieves in North-West London. A neat link back to England, so-m-named because S,C,O and T had already been nicked (Eng. colloqu. for stolen). Also, once Scottishland was established, the new country to the south thought they had a fresh angle (=Engle) on what to do with chickens.

(At this point, my current manuscript source stops abruptly on account of it's bed-time.)


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:47 PM

England was originally part of France (which was why Billy the Bastard claimed the throne, but that's a whole different story). During the Great Hoopla Of St. Gwinner's Eve -- a series of tempests that originated in what is now Hungary and swept west across Europe -- a large chunk of France broke loose and was blown smack-dab into poor old Scotland. This chunk of dirt crashed into Scotland (then called "Pictland" or "The Birth of the Blues") right at what is now called Solway Firth and was then called "Land's End." The shock, naturally, was terrific and Scotland, which used to be as flat as Kansas (and actually IS part of Kansas) was folded up on itself, just like the wrinkles on your fender when another car hits your car. Some parts of Scotland (e.g., the Hebrides) broke loose from the shock, and the Great Glen was caused because hordes of rock-eating haggises (H. Petrophagii Li.) had pretty much chewed subterranean tunnels straight out of Inverness in their epochs-long migration to Ireland (apparently the haggises were either unaware or too stupid to realize that between Scotland and Ireland a Great Gulf, or as some say, Gulp, is fixed).

This is, you know, a summary of what happened. You can find the whole, boring story in the closed stacks of the National Library of Scotland.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 09:44 PM

I didn't mention, but I will now that I have time, that Scotland was also very much larger. The shock that broke the Hebrides and the rest free ALSO set adrift the land mass now known as North, South, and Central America. Scotland is not only part of Kansas, but Canada, Bolivia, Patagonia, California, and the rest of the mess. The so-called "Native Americans" or "First Nations" or "Indians" were originally Picts and Chufles who "shot the curl" when they suddenly found their land mass adrift. Traditional Scottish/Pictish dress has been amply demonstrated among the pre-Columbian inhabitants of the Americas.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 10:58 PM

Is this confirmation of the theory that Native Americans are indeed one of the lost tribes of Israel?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 10:59 PM

So it's true, then? We really are all related? Must explain the tatoos and body piercings of the younger generation. They have simply found their roots.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 10:18 AM

No, they're just being as silly as we were during the '50s and '60s. (And the 1850s and the 1860s and the 1920s and the 1340s and....)

The folks who we know as The First Americans or Amerindians or Paleolithic Indians or whatever else you want to call them are descendants of the Picts and the Chufles. DNA typing has proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. In fact, when an Anasazi was asked about it he replied, "Hoot mon, mon, aye, our ancestral tales tell of our land setting sail from our native home where we painted ourselves blue and rode giant chickens into battle. Same thing for the White Mountain Apaches and the Blackfoot and the Potawatomies and the Seneca and the Powhatans and the Objibway and the Bloods and the Sioux and all the us. In fact, we've approached the World Court and are suing to regain our native land. Brits out! Scotland Forever! Sound the piobrach!"

Traditional songs of the American Indian reflect their lost heritage. Songs like "Pict up your troubles in your old kit bag" and "On the Pictish side of the street" and "They're moving father's barrow to build a sewer" and "Scotland the Brave."

Still more evidence: at the bottom of this thread right now are ads for "Native American Genealogy" and "Visit your Scottish Roots." And if Google says it, it must be true.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 01:48 PM

Actually, the Great Glen is the Fault line where Northern Scotland joined the rest of the UK. It used to belong between Greenland and Newfoundland, but the Scots stole it, as they wern't getting enough rain.


The Chickens were used to break it away from where it started.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 04:37 PM

Mad, yer all mad I say! ROF!

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: dianavan
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:49 AM

Its no wonder giant chickens were worshipped in ancient England!

Everyone knows that the giant boulders of Stone Henge slid into place on a man-made trench filled with chicken shit and diluted with abundant rain water. Once in place, a rope was tied around the top of the giant stone. It took very little effort to push the bottom and let the stone slide into an upright position, while pulling on the rope. All of the stones were placed there thanks to the giant chickens and the abundance of chicken shit and rain.

The trenches were then covered with soil and cabbages and kale were grown in abundance. This was the beginning of the agricultural cycle in what is now known as England.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 08:03 AM

Thank goodness. We've got back to England ! Unfortunately, while my sources are quite clear for Scotland, Israel and, as you've been saying, Bolivia, they are murky about England. Hard to see thru the mists of steaming chicken soup.

It does look as tho' people kept turning up on these islands. The reasons are not always clear, which explains why a common response round here to many questions is "Haven't got a clue". There were Picts, Celts, Australians (prematurely), Bolivians, Angles (the cute ones eventually developing tax havens and the theory of gravity - they were a very serious lot back then - and the obtuse ones building Stone Hen (as the quickest way to make battery farms,) and inventing the Industrial Rev ...... sorry, bit a drift there. There were Jutes (Jewish people, naturally, don't look so surprised), Normans and Celts, who brought the rest of the food - potatoes, leg of lamb, haggis and no greens (so no change there.)

   What time's part two?


   Sorcha - the nicest thing I've read today, so far. And yet, we can't argue with the manuscripts. Well, they will insist on remaining silent.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 08:37 AM

Part two is the Future, which is unwritten. It smells a bit like Chicken Korma though....

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:23 PM

BTW, what does ROF mean?


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:46 PM

It's an old Chufle abbreviation for "Romans Out Front!" and would be shouted ("ROF! ROF!") when the Legions came to confiscate goods to pay the voluntary tax imposed upon the Chufles by Rome. This is also the origin of the Roman epithet "British dogs!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:58 PM

Let me rephrase that.

   BTW, what does ROF mean.       SORCHA.

   Sorry to shout. It's those bloody Roman dogs that Rapaire has kindly introced, minus their bowls of chicken soup laced with weed killer, or to say that more directly, Roman dog killer.

   Thank you.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:59 PM

Rapaire -you are sick man to pull Ivor's leg like that. You know perfectly well it is of Pictish origin and means " Roll out the Flockers."

Actually, Ivor, I think it means rolling on the floor (with laughter.)

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 06:04 PM

Of course, the Chufles and the Picts now want to know what "Sorcha" means.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 06:07 PM

Very hot weather girl?


   Ivor


   PS IIIIII don't mind having my leg pulled. Could do with the stretch.

Nevetheless, thanks for looking after me,Janie.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 07:52 PM

Lady of the smoking fiddle?

    Sorcha was the main goddess in the Chufle pantheon. Sorcha was the Goddess of Fire. There are many legends about Sorcha--she was always depicted playing a fiddle, often so intensely that smoke would arise from the bow. One story fragment about Sorcha refers to her great amusement at the antics of the giant chickens, who apparently adored her. She was said to have found the chickens to be so funny that she would literally collapse on the floor in laughter.

Chufles would leave tokens of adoration to Sorcha at small shrines found along ancient roadways throughout Britain. The tokens were called chits. The Picts referred to them as Chufle Chit. The Romans referred to them as chicken chit.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 10:22 PM

I forgotten that I'd read about that in the Codex Chuflii, which is attributed to Julie Caesar, even though it's in someone elses' handwriting and the style, grammar, and internal dating seems to show that it was written sometime after August 17, 1897. But that's all by the way.

What the Codex does state is that the Centurions and other NCOs in the Roman Army -- especially those making a career of it -- would collect those "chits" and use them as indication of rank. To the ordinary legionaire, these people were known as "chicken chits" -- an appellation has continued, almost unchanged, in armies down to this very day. Indeed, it approaches certainty that a soldier or sailor or marine or airman in some armed service somewhere is at this moment discussing "this chicken chit outfit" with a comrade in arms.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 01 May 06 - 01:48 PM

The laughter of the Romans and their Chufles was certainly enough to make an ordinary man stop dying themselves blue, but the Picts were not ordinary men.

The real reason that the practice stopped was on account of the fact that polecats seemed to be particularly attracted to the scent of the woad. The polecats would become overpowered by the halucinogenic properties and end up in the woad vat. Now the Picts were not cowardly men and their women liked their men to have a strong musk, but not that strong. Therefore the pratice was given up. It incidentally inspired one of the all time great songs still heard today:

"There's A Dead Skunk In The Middle Of The Woad"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 01 May 06 - 02:28 PM

Scientists have also just discovered evidence of a pictish aqueduct leading from Liverpool to lower Scottland. Pictish writing on the blue tinged stone has been deciphered and tells of the picts finding a superb source of blue dye near the area of today's Liverpool. In order to transport the woad made from this source the aqueduct was erected. The aqueduct was routed so as to avoid any troubles with changes in elevation causing many twists and turns and adding many miles to it's length. The valuable woad had to be protected from any marauders and therefore young male picts were ordered to patrol the length of the aqueduct. Unfortunately when the Romans invaded and observed that the aqueduct was of superior design and beauty compared to their own. In a jealous rage they destroyed it and did their best to remove all traces. Though the destruction was complete they failed in the attempt as the aqueduct was enshrined in history through the song, "The Long and Winding Woad"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 May 06 - 03:12 PM

1oo !!! (Whoopee)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 01 May 06 - 07:46 PM

Returning to the Chufle Chits - since they were holy offerings to the goddess SORCHA, they were frequently known a "holy chit"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 May 06 - 01:08 PM

Recent experiments with woad recipes taken from the long and winding woad have confirmed it's halucinogenic properties. The results of these experiments are rather puzzling. Approx. 33% report that they took fantastic journeys through space and time but woke up in exactly the same place (hence the claim that it is the "Woad to Nowhere"). another 33% all seem to have experienced an epiphany of sorts claiming a feeling of warmth, belonging, forgiveness and love. They claim that it is the "Woad to Redmeption". The remaining 34% claim to have experienced a little of both which has led them to say they are going "Down to the Crosswoads"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 May 06 - 08:53 PM

One of the early Pictish purveyors of woad was a Pict named Rik. Rik would travel from Pictish village to Pictish rath, ballyhooing the wonderful qualities of his woad. He would shout out its benefits at the top of his voice and that was saying a mouthful, for Rik had one of, if not the, loudest voice in all of Pictdom. Eventually he became known as "Bellowing Rik", which was eventually shortened to "The Bellow" or "Bellow Rik."

And his woad WAS good. It really was top quality stuff, and Rik sold it in quantities know as "lidds." He would shout out his wares, and someone would come up and ask if he could "get a lidd of good stuff".

One tragic day Rik was set upon by brigands and riffraff. They stole his pack of herb, the few cupronickel cupronickels he had in his pouch, and murdered poor Rik. The culprits were caught and suffered the traditional Pictish penalty for murder (they were tickled to death by being tossed in a pit of giant garden slugs), but Rik was gone and worse, the location of his secret woad garden was lost forever.

The Picts lovingly prepared Rik for burial, and carried him to his Final Resting Place singing a chant composed just for the occassion. Yes, it was the first performance -- sad though the occassion was -- of that great funeral song, "Goodbye, Bellow Rik's Woad."

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 03 May 06 - 05:50 AM

Of course, when the Angles cottoned on to the benefits of woad, they noticed that its use was accompanied by an increase in casualties, at dawn and dusk, when the light was poor.

Woad, it seems, acted like camouflage in low light conditions.

Thanks to the abundance of chalk in the South of England, the solution was very simple, and it has ever since been standard procedure to have a white line down the middle of the Woad.

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 May 06 - 11:05 AM

You're never going to believe this!
I've just received news that will turn the world on it's ear!

Archaeologists working in the vicinity of Loch Ness have uncovered several woad vats that are smaller and seem to have been deliberately placed in hidden areas not to far from known Pictish settlements. At first the scientists thought they might be hidden storage or places were Picts were experimenting with different woad recipes. But the discovery of several snake skeletons at the bottom of these vats seems to point in a different direction. It had long been fabled that young Picts, looking for a better "buzz" than their parents woad would deliver, would throw poisonous snakes into woad vats and let them stew. The parents would have probably objected to this, hence the small, hidden vats. There seems to be some evidence to support this conclusion as partial skeletons of giant chickens have also been found in the vicinity of these vats. This breed of giant chicken was known to have fed on both polecats and snakes. Because the giant chicken would have to dart in and grab the snake or polecat and then dart out before the picts could catch it, it earned the name of "Woad Runner". The partial skeletons with human teeth marks on the bones indicate what happened when the woad runner was caught by the Picts who were feeling quite peckish (they had the munchies) after their dunk in the woad. The most amazing discovery though would indicate that the known history of the discovery of the new world is false. The snake skeletons are distinctly that of a species of pit viper only found in North America named Copperheads. This means that the Picts must have discovered the new world first and brought the snakes back with them. Thus the legends of Copperhead Woad has been proven to be true.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 May 06 - 11:38 AM

Also, recent finds at Ballyfungus, Ireland -- the sole inroad that the Picts and Chufles ever made in the Emerald Isle -- definitivly demonstrates that caches of woad were hidden throughout the Celtic world. Usually hidden on the tops of high hills and mountains, these were considered the Picts and Chufles top secret woad.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 May 06 - 11:54 AM

P.S. - The archaeologists have also discovered a different recipe used by the Picts during the winter solstice. It was a bit stronger and included seasonal foliage. They are calling it "Holiday Woad"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 May 06 - 12:28 PM

Pictish Berserker = Woad Warrior