BS: The History of England part one.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 10:02 AM

(psst...Rapaire....if you had planned on typing gnu gnus, would you have almost typed ung sung?)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 10:01 AM

As an aside, the ancient Chinese had a parallel practice but only used laying hens held several meters above small bowls of soup. Egg drop soup continues to be a staple on the menu of Chinese restaurants.

Now, let us get back to Jolly Olde Endgland.

Nest? I mean-Next?

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 06 - 09:30 AM

Hold it. Hold whatever it is you've got in your hands. Hold it tightly, because there is new news (or, as I nearly typed, wen swen).

A recently discovered manuscript, found in the the lower reaches of Castle Rising and dated from the time of Good King Art(hur), discusses the problem of bird droppings in great and rather disgusting detail.

The birds were not usually chickens, for as Janie has pointed out chickens were (usually) considered sacred. Sure, chickens were sometimes involved, but the heretics and apostates who involved chickens were splashed with sacred oil and roasted on a gridiron. This was called a "chicken barbi cue" (from the ancient Pictish goddes "Barbi" and the Indo-European proto-word from which the word "cook" is derived) and was quite The Event.

Back to bird droppings.

Birds, usually caught in the now-extinct towns of Byrde Lyme and Byrde Nette, would be gathered and confined in boxes. To the music of cithera and bagpipes the boxes would be taken to a high place where and ceremoniously released by the high priests. (Note that according to the manuscript only priests did this; the priestesses remarked "What a stupid guy thing! Barbi is gonna be reeeealllly pissed off if them birds get hurt!)

Naturally, most of the birds simply flew away. But a few, and especially chickens, would fall all to the ground many meters below. The sudden stop did the bird little, if any, good.

As this denegrated from some sort of religious rite it became a game children and young pages played, especially at Camelot: they would take a bird up into the rafters of the Great Hall and try to make a dead-center bulls-eye on the Round Table. Chickens would take some extraordinary bounces when they hit and it was considered good fortune to have one of them bounce into your lap or wine cup. The other knights would yell in unison, "You're Chicken!" to the lucky receptor.

That's where the idea of bird droppings came from. (It should be noted that the modern town of Talkeetna, Alaska has an annual celebration similar to this ancient ceremony, but having no birds the natives of Talkeetna celebrate Moose Droppings.)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 09:21 PM

Now that you mention it....

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 09:11 PM

Have you ever noticed that "rendered speechless by the honor" and "rendered speechless by the horror" look a whole lot alike?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:48 PM

"You do realize that the chalky soil is composed mostly of weathered giant chicken droppings?"

Sorry to disillusion you Mmario, but we exported all that chickenshit to America, and they're still using it to make politicians and journalists.

I guess we must have missed a bit tho'. How else to explain Tony Blair?

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:46 PM

If it's a satelite thread, then you have to be very careful to throw the BS in all directions equally.
If you throw it only in the direction you're heading, you'll slow down and crash into the accreating mass of Moab, and if you throw it 180 degrees the other way, you'll eventually build up escape velocity and hurtle randomly across the sky, and end up in the music threads.

Boys own book of 101 fun, safe and informative things to do with a planetesimal and a mass driver. Pub. BGC, FBI and freinds.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:05 PM

I, I--I'm rendered speechless by the honor....

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:00 PM

~~~A PROCLAMATION~~~

As Poet Lariat to The Royal Court of King khandu of Mississippi, and since he's not here to do it himself, and since even if we was here he wouldn't think of it, I do proclaim the following on his behalf:

This thread has shown itself to be bullshit of an extremely fine quality. As such, it is hereby elevated to the status of official satellite thread to The Mother of All BS Threads.

Additionally, Bert and Janie are hereby awarded the title of Honorary MOABite.

Congratulations, Bert and Janie! Your shovels and rubber hip-boots await you!

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:58 PM

Another invention that arose from the unique collaboration of the chickens and peoples of the British Isles was feather dusters.

It is not surprising, given the key role chickens have played in English history, that they were honored, even hallowed. Treated like honored guests, hens were free to roost anywhere they chose, and could often be found nesting indoors. It is said that even King Arthur's throne hatched more than one clutch of cluckers.

While still much larger than the chicken of today, by the time of King Arthur, the true Giant Chicken was rare. The average chicken by that time was probably closer to the size of a Newfoundland dog.

(Paleontologists speculate that the evolutionary downsizing was probably due to the fact the mammoths were at last extinct and the great size of the original British chicken then became a liability. Natural selection by then favored smaller chickens. Myself, I believe housewives began selective breeding for smaller sized chickens. More later on that interesting topic.)

The glorious days of the Amazonian warrior princesses of the Picts had long passed. The main task of women was to care for hearth and home. In those far off days there was no air conditioning. In fact, it is unlikely there was glass in the windows. A woman could dust from daylight until dark, only to find that the surfaces where she began that morning were covered again in dust by the time she finished that night. These smart and observant women noticed when chickens moved across the benches and tables, that dust free trails were left in their wake. But who would dare pluck a sacred chicken?

There was, however, still the problem of bird droppings. A rather significant problem, that. And the bird dropping really bothered the women. The bird droppings infuriated the women. Although they appeared to be meek and mild goodwives, the blood of warriors still ran in their veins. They told stories among themselves of the warrior princesses of old, of how they had mastery over the chickens and rode upon their backs. And the chickens were rumoured to have been much, much larger animals in those olden times.

According the legends of King Arthur's time, one goodwife, one day, errupted in rage at the chicken poop in the soup. Breaking the hundreds of years old taboos, she shot her arm out, grabbed the nearest hen by the neck and snapped it. In a rage, with the chicken neck still firmly clasped in a murderous grip, the goodwife swung the chicken round and round the room in a fiercesome dance. As she swung, the tail feathers of the chicken swept along benches and tabletops, collecting and holding the dust that had coated every flat surface in sight.

Thus, the feather duster was invented.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:55 PM

Three keyboards a week, but it would be five with the proper condiment, Gunpowder Mustard. They just don't taste right without it...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:19 PM

How many keyboards do you go through Kat??

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 07:17 PM

Janie, a warning before your posts, please, so I don't spit all over my keyboard!!**LOL**

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:34 PM

Yep, She's a big Briton, Bill ...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:20 PM

oh, sure...here you are

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:17 PM

Calendar? Calendar? If Stonehenge were a calendar I'd like to see the size of the woman who strained her veggies through it.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 06:10 PM

I am.... and... loving it! Great history!

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:21 PM

AR282 ... do you really believe everything you read?

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:18 PM

" It is thought the phrase 'Would you look at those knockers' originated from this period"

the entire phrase was " 'Would you look at those knockers on that CHICK!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: GUEST,AR282
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:04 PM

>>And you realize what is all over those white cliffs of Dover - it ain't bluebird droppings, no.<<

The white cliffs of Dover were the biggest disappointment of my travels. I always imagined crossing through the English Channel and seeing huge towering cliffs gleaming white in the sun. Instead all I saw was a low somewhat chalky looking hill with a radio antenna or something on it.

As for Stonehenge, sorry, I do not believe a word about this being chicken pen. Really. Unless of course someone can prove the builders named it that. If aviary is related to Avebury, then Avebury is a Roman designation since aviary comes from the Roman "augur" a fortune-teller who plies his craft by watching the flight of birds. While Stonehenge was not built by druids, it is certainly a calendar--the evidence for this is overwhelming.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 04:39 PM

Much later, the Normans held sway over the major towns, but many unsubdued Anglo-Saxons in the countryside made it very dangerous for Norman officials to move about from town to town. Carrying the mail was a particularly precarious occupation. Mail carriers were frequently accosted on the roads and by-ways between towns, robbed of their freight, and sometimes even killed.

As with children everywhere, the children in the towns made up street rhymes and games. One game that young boys in particular liked to play was "Who Will Carry the Mail." The rules and actions associated with the game have been lost to history, but the accompanying rhyme is still commonly heard with some more modern adaptions, and suggests it was a game of bravado.

It goes like this:

"Who will carry the Mail?"
"I'll carry the mail."
"Through the woods?"
"Through the woods!"
"But what about the Saxons?"
"Flock the Saxons."
"You'd flock a Saxon?"
"I'd flock a chicken."
"Why, you dirty fowlflocker you.
You ought to be hung upside down from a tree and fed Ex-Lax"
"I'd sh*t!"
"You'die!"
"Then who'd carry the mail?"
(another kid jumps in and it begins again)
"I'll carry the mail"
etc.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 03:21 PM

Students of Etymology now believe that it was these flocks of pictish warrior women that led to one common phrase; since bystanders would gleefully announce to invaders the approach of the women on their riding chickens With shouts of "you're going to get flocked!" - soon shortened to "Flock You!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:56 PM

The bodice quickly caught on among the Pict women. Being very atheletic, active types, they quickly came to value the greater support the new armor offered.

The giant chickens gave a rough, bouncing ride and the development of the bodice made the ride much more comfortable for these buxom lasses. But as they rode along on the backs of the chickens, the two halves of the bodice tended to bounce against one another, making a knocking sound. A whole troup of female warriors galloping along on their chickens, was quite something to hear and see. It is thought the phrase 'Would you look at those knockers' originated from this period in Pict history.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:52 PM

England's own history is easily summed up in three words. Rape, pillage plunder.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:51 PM

I have it on good authority that goats were kept in "Tees" a shortened version for TeePees, borrowed from Native Americans LONG before Columbus sailed, eons before he sailed. Goatherders always had a certain kind of inverted V beard which, to this day, is known as a goat-tee, an obvious contraction of goat and teepee. (Well you wouldn't want to sprout a goat-pee, now wouldja?!)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:36 PM

Shortly after that - one of the famous woman warriors of the island took a giant guilted chicken egg, cracked it in half, and used the egg cups as part of her armor. The protective garment she invented was named after this famous warrior Queen, and became known as the "bodicea" - but somewhere along the way it lost the "a".

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:25 PM

After the Romans were defeated, all of them falling into the deep trenches dug by Picts and Chufles, the giant chickens, seeing all the carnage, felt very remorseful. They were fearful of retribution if Rome should hear of their deeds, so they roosted on top of the trenches and laid eggs until the trenches were fully covered. These were the first Guilted Eggs known to history.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: GUEST,DB
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:22 PM

I suspect fowl play...

Well, someone had to say it!!!

Don't look at me like that!!!    Sorry!!!

...I'll get me coat ...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:13 PM

Do not forget the ancient tin mines, all of which were dug by Picts and Chufles. They would sell the tin ore to Beaker Traders, who wanted it to make bronze, which was the reason the Picts and Chufles sold it to the traders, the coin of the day being bronze.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:04 PM

Julius Caesar attempted to invade Britain in 55 BCE. He didn't make, but not for the reasons he gave. Recent discoveries in a chalk pit, found when the overlaying soil collapsed (and dropped four navvies, a policeman, and an urn of tea into a pit approximately three feet deep) have clearly shown the presence on the cliffs of Dover of a line of giant chickens, possibly ridden by Picts and their allied tribe, the Chufles.

It was written in a now-lost manuscript of Deodorius Cassius Lupus that one of the most chilling sights in the Ancient World was an attack by Picts riding giant chickens, followed by the Chufles with their warbrooms.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 01:41 PM

This just keeps getting better... BRAVO!!! You guys have made my day.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:53 AM

Another little known fact of English History

THE LEGEND OF BUDDE WASSER

Back in time, when the world was younger then it is now, roughly 1067 AD or so, the English were suffering a great dilemma. Willy the Bastard and his Norman crew were running rampant across the countryside, and being as they were winning they expected to get things for free; things like sex, food, clothing, and beer. Especially beer.

Now beer, being the qintessential English drink that it is, was far too important to the average bloke in the street to allow these Norman dogs to be quaffing it under their noses,especially if the pig-dogs didn't pay for it! And since practically every household prided itself on the quality of their brewing it truly hurt that the Normans could not even appreciate the quality - as their palates had been ruined by drinking that effete Norman wine. Can you imagine, the Normans actually preffered the fermented grape to a properly brewed malt beverage!

Now in considering what to do the doughty English considered well; for if they merely hid their brewings, the Normans were sure to search high and low, uncovering more then just the beer barrels. It would never due for the Norman men at arms to discover just how many English goods were escaping taxation!

While the Anglo-Saxon brains seethed furiously trying to discover an escape from this dillemma a thought finally struck. In the springtime and up until barley harvest when stocks of the previous years barley were nearly exhausted it was customary to use the lees of a previous brewing and double or triple the normal amount of water to make a weak, poor, nearly colourless and tasteless "beer" which, though beneath contempt under normal circumstances, was sufficient for children, serfs, apprentices and the poor. It was better then water, after all, though barely. This drink (for it was difficult indeed to term it "beer") was oft times known as "budde wasser" for it was brewed in the time of the budde (or budtime); spring. But it was known as "wasser" rather then "ale" for few cared to give it the dignity of actually considering the drink to be a proper brew. You could see through it! but for the Normans it would certainly be sufficient - in fact they would probably never notice.

thus the brewers used the spent grains from their actual beermaking to brew batch after batch of budde-wasser - which was left conveniently poorly hidden so that the Norman soldiers could plunder it at their will. The TRUE ales were much better hidden.

Over time budde-wasser became Budwiesser. And thereby hangs the tale.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:47 AM

And you realize what is all over those white cliffs of Dover - it ain't bluebird droppings, no.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:40 AM

And when the ducks ducked the chickens shouted chicken?

:D (tG)

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:23 AM

Chickens don't migrate! Those chickens in Cornwall are original settlers from ancient times. Chicken are VERY territorial and would have thrown those large stones at interlopers. When they did, they cried "DUCK!"

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:20 AM

You do realize that the chalky soil is composed mostly of weathered giant chicken droppings?

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:15 AM

No, No, No, You've got it all wrong. Stone Henge was an overtaking bay for the chickens, when they got stuck behind a caravan on their migration down to Cornwall....

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 11:11 AM

And blind chickens escaped and terrorized the countryside, even knocking down stones and freeing their cohorts to attack the Cohorts.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: MMario
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 10:49 AM

Obviously whether the stones are close together or further apart depends on whether you used a near-sighted chicken or a far-sighted chicken to make the initial placements.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 10:44 AM

I thought Stonehenge was an early attempt to invent the wheel by committee...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Desdemona
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 09:19 AM

Everyone knows that Stonehenge is the first British roundabout!

Duh.

~D

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:56 AM

History is written by the winners. Truth is remembered by losers, but Truth will eventually triumph over History.

Never forget what D'Israeli Gladstone, the great British Prime Minister once said: "The Truth is out there."

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 08:56 AM

Of course, groats occur in goups...

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 05:53 AM

sIx - you COULD try history books rather than belief (?)


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 04:04 AM

Bert, I find your ideas both original and amusing, unfortunately, the amusing parts are not original and the original parts are not amusing.

Sir jOhn from Hull where are you when we need you ?

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Apr 06 - 02:24 AM

"Urban Councils passed laws that stopped people keeping chickens in town" .... and goats too. If the chickens where kept in coups, where did they keep the goats?"

In Groups.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:50 PM

By God !! You are making sense Bert. It all makes sense. Of course, the mystery of Stone Henge er Stone Hen is coming to light.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:47 PM

Ocourse we 'ad to eat a lot of protein. We 'ad to carry them big bleedin stones all the way from Gallia.

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: number 6
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:45 PM

Ok .. Ok .. don't develop an attitude over this .. I believe ya ok .. yeah, monster sized chickens roamin over the English countryside ... I guess the Brits had a lot to eat (protein) back then.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: The History of England part one.
From: Bert
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 11:42 PM

Well I WAS THERE! AND I helped build it. Them Romans are all dead and gone.

So ya'd better believe me or I'll come down there and punch yer bleedin' lights out.