BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..

Subject: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 09:14 PM

...overeating!

Yes. It's true. According to the latest scientifically conducted poll, 9 out of 10 dachshunds would rather die by gluttony than by any other method, and most of them are seeking to do so at the earliest opportunity.

"Let's put it this way," said Rudi von Weltschmertz, a 6-year old dachsie from Rhode Island. "I would really like the chance to eat myself into a comatose state and risk never waking up. It would be like being in heaven before you die. It would be going out at the top of your game! I'm always on the lookout for a chance to eat myself to death, and if my people were just less watchful it would have happened long ago. I once consumed half of an entire roast beef, 6 roast potatoes, and a pound of pasta, but they caught me in the act. I got my stomach pumped by one of those sadistic maniacs they call vets, and here I am talking to you. It was a gas! I'd do it again anytime."

But what about the remaining 10%? What is their preferred method of self-annihilation? Well, brace yourself, folks. The remaining 10% have opted for sex! Yes, 1 in 10 dachshunds wishes to die fornicating. It's sordid but true. The reason that it's only 1 in 10 is that they're almost all "fixed" these days. Otherwise we could expect to see as many as 30% of male dachshunds at least opting for death by fornication, experts estimate.

Still, gluttony would probably rank as the most popular method of suicide with most weiner dogs, even if they still have their little cojones intact.

As one dachshund, Addie Langmann Schtupfelmeier put it: "I was once faced with a choice between mounting this gorgeous little Schnauzer who was clearly in heat...or devouring 17 chicken pot pies. It was tough to decide. 11 and a half chicken pot pies and one stomach pumping later I KNEW I had made the right decision!"

"URRRP!"

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 09:20 PM

I question your loose use of scientific reasearch on this thread, Little Hawk.

The study was conducted on hungry or horny dogs only. No dogs who needed to pee really bad were asked THEIR opinions.

Shame on you.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 09:21 PM

Dog's philosophy of life: If ya can't eat it and ya can't fu#k it, piss on it.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 09:32 PM

Find me a dachshund who is NOT hungry and is still awake, Peace!

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 09:34 PM

OK. You may be right there, but if he's hungry but he's really gotta pee, hey, ya know?

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 09:50 PM

You sure you're not getting dachshunds confused with Texans?

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 10:22 PM

Well, the Texan in the White House could confuse a dachshund. So, maybe.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: number 6
Date: 04 Jul 06 - 10:38 PM

That is a trait commonly found in those dwarfed legged wannabee hounds. Throw in the Tuetonic social manifests of their politcal beliefs what do you expect. They will devour everything in their way, self indulging in an orgazmic frenzy until they finally drop.

You would never find this in the graceful, harmonious, self discipined, yet sharing nature of the Greyhound.The Greyhound, the true hound BTW.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 03:50 AM

Couldn't you prats just do this childish drivel by PM to save space?

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 04:19 AM

But, Guest of 03:50, aren't you now participating in this childish drivel??

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 04:30 AM

The way to cure your weinerdog of excessive fornication is to put all the bitches on heat upstairs.... because everyone knows, thanks to Les Barker, that Dachshunds with erections can't climb stairs.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Ernest
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 05:58 AM

Number sIx: Greyhounds will run after an ELECTRIC

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Ernest
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 06:09 AM

ooops: wrong button - continued: ...rabbit. This is not folk ;0)

And I think you would find more dachshounds working underground* or on the track of bigger beasts than rabbits than you think.

Little Hawk: Dachshounds who are neither hungry nor sleeping must be sick.

Best
Ernest

*= this is why they tend to make their own decisions - there is no one to order them around there, so why obey in other places?

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 09:48 AM

Yes, they do have minds of their own. No doubt about that. They also believe that stolen food tastes far better than one's own food.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Scoville
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 12:21 PM

Mine's not even a dachshund and she would definintely love to die by overeating.



And leave us Texans out of it, please.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Ernest
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 02:00 PM

Little Hawk:

Stolen? No, they will see it as food earned by cleverness and perseverance.

And it does taste better than their own food. Otherwise humans would eat dog food.

Best
Ernest

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 02:19 PM

Yes, Ernest, but they also relish stealing from the other dog's bowl. There are three of the little monsters here, and today was toenail clipping day.

What a struggle!

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 02:22 PM

This isn't drivel, it's ART.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Ernest
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 03:31 PM

I can imagine that, Little Hawk....toenail clipping day.... :0)
and for 3 of them... I never had more than two at a time...
Good luck
Ernest

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Amergin
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 11:56 PM

Dachsunds re great...they are so full of personality...many's the time I have woken up with a dachsund tongue in my mouth.....because she was dancing and desperate to go potty....and of course hungry.


Tobble Dobble and the Food Route

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 10:40 AM

Yeeeuch, in your MOUTH !!!
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Ernest
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 05:51 AM

Giok: there are openings in the human body that would have been even more pervert...
Ernest

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 06:14 AM

I seem to remember reading (a long time ago) of a woman who was taken to Casualty (the ER) with a dog bite on her... frontal bottom area.

When questioned she finally admitted to smearing the aforeunmentioned area with peanut butter and getting her German Shepherd dog to lick it off... the dog got rather enthusiastic and she got more than a quick thrill....

Stick to spreading it on your toes...   Happiness is a labrador and a jar of peanut butter.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 07:10 AM

Penis butter?

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 09:40 AM

Oh, yuck!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 10:27 AM

You spread the peanut butter on your toes and get the labrador to lick it off.... less chance of losing an important bit but just as much fun...

I used to know a wire haired dachshund who would stand for hours licking toes... oddly enough, he was called Max. Funny how life is full of little coincidences....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 10:38 AM

I can also recall one or two dachshunds who were foot fetishists. They're kinky little monsters.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: GUEST,Dashing Dachshund
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 12:35 PM

Feet? There are feet?? Gimme the feet. I love feet almost as much as food.



There's food?

:>

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 12:37 PM

More food than you can imagine, Dashing! And it's all waiting for you. On top of the dining table. On the kitchen counter. In the refrigerator.

Just think about it!

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: GUEST,Dashing Dachshund
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 12:43 PM

You are so cruel Little Hawk! You know my little legs can't reach the dining table. I shall pee in your sneakers and put my cold nose in your squishy bits next time you're lying on the floor and I shall lie across the doorway and trip you up.

Then I shall lick your feet because I just can't help myself.

:>

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 05:35 PM

You are an absolutely typical dachshund, Dashing. ;-D My advice is, bark and bark and bark until it drives everybody in your place nuts. It will make people nervous, and they'll spill food on the floor and drop plates and stuff. The instant the food hits the floor...it's yours!

Another good routine is to drop by the neighbours' place if there's a barbecue happening, and steal fool...or beg for it. Cute behaviour can go a long way with strangers who haven't grown cynical regarding your charms. Little kids are also easy to steal food from, because they're not that far off the ground either...but I mean the really small ones. Avoid bigger kids like the plague! But I didn't have to tell you that, did I?

You might also look into stealing from very small dogs...like chihuahuas, shitzus, that sort. Some cats can also be terrorized into abandoning their supper, but it depends. Taking on the wrong cat can be a rather nasty experience, to say the least.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Jul 06 - 03:42 AM

Dashing - er.. how can I put this.... If you want feet to lick...well... I don't wear socks.... I can feed you choicest titbits from Limpit's plate (but don't bank on getting any chocolate) and I've got a few cats you can beat up... the pond is too high for you to fall in and there's a hole in the fence so you can dig up next door's lawn...

How's about it?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 08 Jul 06 - 10:59 PM

I had just stopped reading the joke thread when I saw this title and my first thought was...........BOOKA!


I hang my head in shame.



Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 04:16 AM

Whatever BOOKA means ?

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Tootler
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 07:03 AM

This thread is dachshundist.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 11:44 AM

Yes. It is virulent dachshundism at its very worst. Mea culpa.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 02:28 PM

I.m not dachshundist.... I'll let any dog lick my toes....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Tootler
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 07:05 PM

Dachshundism is a cancer at the very heart of our society and we should take steps to root it out and punish the perpetrators with the full rigour of the law.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 06 - 06:21 PM

Dachshundists in Idaho are punished to the fullest extent of the law, which includes (but is not limited to) requiring the owners to carry the little buggers to their "business" when the snow is more than a centimeter (or one-half inch) deep. Alternately they are sentenced to community service shoveling snow to create paths for dachsies.

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: kendall
Date: 11 Jul 06 - 09:46 AM

Come on folks! Basset hounds are far worse. One dropping from a Basset is as big as some Dachshund!

Subject: RE: BS: 9 out of 10 dachshunds prefer death by..
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Jul 06 - 09:50 AM

Bassetts don't just lick feet, they do Lickerish Allsorts.
G.