BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Feb 07 - 07:14 PM

Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Feb 07 - 11:32 AM

This thread is continued with the First Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 07 - 09:41 AM

"Missing God"

God had been missing for several days. Michael, the
Archangel finally found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly
pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.
Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of White people, and over
there is a continent of Black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will
be extremely hot, while the is one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to
a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and
streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from
Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found
traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there
would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...Wait 'til you
see the nincompoops I put there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 06 - 12:18 PM

Now continued here...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 15 Dec 06 - 10:01 PM

During these serious times , people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Dec 06 - 11:21 AM

Three old guys aged 70, 80 and 90 are discussing life and reminiscing.
"If I could have one wish now" says the 70yr old, "I would want to be able to pee without interruption, without having to strain to get it out".
"If I could have one wish" says the eighty year old, " I would want to have a great bowel movement each day as this constipation and discomfort really gets me down"
The ninty year old says, "I have never had trouble peeing..I pee regularly at 6.30 am and I always have a free bowel movement at 6.45am, I have been that way all my life"
"And what would you wish for" asked the others.
"I just wish I could wake in the morning before 8am" he replied.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: HuwG
Date: 11 Dec 06 - 06:32 AM

A man goes into a bar. He finds himself drinking next to two men in dusty working clothes.

"Can I ask what you two do for a living?" he says.
"Sure. We're both bricklayers. And how about you?"
"Oh, I'm an electronic engineer."
"What's that?"
"Oh, I design computers and peripherals. In fact, I've just been awarded a patent for a device I've just invented. It allows microchip components to be located to within 0.0000314 of a nanometer, with 99.9997 percent reliability".

"Ah, you'd be no good in our job, then", says one of the brickies. "Our gaffer says we have to be spot on, every time."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Dec 06 - 09:45 AM

Bin Laden sends George Bush a coded message
to let him know he's still alive:

   370HSSU 0773H

Bush is baffled condi Rice and her aides and
even the FBI, CIA & NSA can't decipher it.

They ask the I.R.A. for help.
within minutes the I.R.A. replies:

"Tell the President he's holding the
message upside Down.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Nov 06 - 01:39 PM

"Voice"

A Man was walking down a street when he heard
a voice from behind, "If you take one more step,
a brick will fall down on your head and you will
get killed."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front
of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while, he was going to
cross the road.

Once again, the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you,
and you will die."

The man did, as he was instructed, just as a car
came careening around the corner, barely missing
him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "I'm here to save you from disaster!"

"Oh, yeah?" the man exclaimed, "And where the hell
were you when I got married?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Mrr at work
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 10:41 AM

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Walrus
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:09 PM

Stolen from another site:

The Mistress

Herbie and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

Herbie's wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife angrily, "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, all our perks come from my job. If we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar and Merc in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, Herbie's best friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Mike?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

The wife pauses for a moment, looked up an says, "Ours is prettier,".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 08:27 PM

The Fooles Troupe did that, in their own inimitable style - a looooong time ago... I can't find that one at the moment, but try this one then...

Fooles: Once upon The Steps,
or Flickering Fateful Feathery Fingers

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 09:49 AM

Three nuns died in a car crash. At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter said that they would each have to answer a question correctly before they would be allowed in.

The first nun, being a novice, got a simple question: "What was the name of the first man?"

"Adam " she replied.

"Yes", said St. Peter "You're in"

The second nun's question was a little more difficult: "From what did the Lord create Eve"

"From Adam's rib"

"Yes, you're in" said St. Peter

St Peter explained that as the Mother Superior, the third nun's question would be more difficult still: "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?"


"Oooh!" said the mother Superior, "That's a hard one"

"Yep" said St. Peter, "you're in"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 09:34 AM

What were the first words that Adam said to Eve?










Better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 08:04 AM

Poultry and People...

You yell "duck" to save them, but "chicken" to insult.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 07:17 AM

What were the first words that Eve Said To Adam







I enjoyed them "Granny Smiths" last-night

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Nov 06 - 07:43 AM

Once upon a time, a man found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ailing father died. He decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men....

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Nov 06 - 05:33 PM

"Red Rubber Ball"

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were
all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter
and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball
in the water and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial
numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: 3refs
Date: 13 Nov 06 - 04:59 AM

Husband and Wife at Deli!

Wife: Would you you like some headcheese?

Husband: How many times have I asked you not to call me Cheese in public!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Nov 06 - 04:07 PM

I'm from Minnesota, yah know. And vhen I vas a boy I luffed dose Minnesota yokes, yah know, about Ole and Lena. And here'ss a few yust for you!   (Un-PC, I suppose, but dere it iss.)


Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said "Where are you?"
    Ole answered, "Ve vere walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
    The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"   The phone seemed to go dead.
    The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her ofer to Oak Street, dat's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put dem all on board, and he had the same plane as you go here, yah know."
    Reluctantly, the pilot gave, in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
    Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
    "Yaaah, I tink ve're pretty close to vhere we crashed last year."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"   "Yust a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, den," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
    "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?"   "No, I don't," answered Ole.   "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere goes five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lars: "Ole, stand in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
    The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
    So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, "Ole died. Boat for sale."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch.   Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Did you eat your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
   "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.   A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
    "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
    "How come?" asked Lars.
    "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"   Ole replied, "No, I'm Norwegian, and my name ain't Valter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And dot's enough!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Cruiser
Date: 17 Oct 06 - 06:39 PM

I was searching for song lyrics to the song "Upstairs in the Bedroom" when I saw this cute little joke. I am sure it is well known but it was the first time I heard it and got a good laugh from it. The only jokes I usually hear are on some Saturday nights when I listen to Prairie Home Companion.


Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 17 Oct 06 - 06:06 AM

Autolycos;
I heard a different version, given by the groom at his weddig speech.

He said they'd agreed that he'd make all the big decisions, & she would take the smaller, less important ones.
(deathly quiet from all females present, including bride & brides mother).

He continued "So I'll decide things like whether we support the war in XX, who is going to win the big match, & whether the government is doing enough about disaster relief; and she will decide things like, where we live, who our friends are...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Autolycos
Date: 16 Oct 06 - 06:28 PM

Husband is explaining how comw his marriage has lasted so long.

"When My wife and married, we agreed that I'd make all the big decisions and she'd make all the small ones.

(Long pause) "Fortunately, so far we haven't had any big decisions."


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Oct 06 - 08:10 AM

White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie?

You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for
church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it, while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom--a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect! Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother. Alice was horrified; she was beside herself. Everyone would know what would they think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent, and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. Having already RSVP'd, she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...

and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her face when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair.

Then she heard the hostess, who was a prominent church member, say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Becca72
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 02:46 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.   
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.   
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.      
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Amos
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 05:34 PM

Old but good:

TTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:    ; &nbs p;No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:    Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 09:40 AM

"First Dental Exam"

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
for his first cleaning and check-up.

The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation
but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to
do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as
well. "How old are you?" No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how
old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied
the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist
asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked,
"Can you count?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 09:38 AM

"Sales Call"

A salesman telephoned a household, and a
four-year-old boy answered. Salesman: "May
I speak to your mother?"

Boy: "She's not here right now."

Salesman: "Well, is anyone else there?"

Boy: "My sister."

Salesman: "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?"

Boy: "I guess so."

At this point there was a very long silence on the
phone.

Then:

Boy: "Hello?"

Salesman: "It's you. I thought you were going to call
your sister."

Boy: "I tried. But I can't get her out of the playpen."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 02:13 PM

So the old Irish couple had been married for 60 some-odd years when the old lady died. Well, they had a fine wake, and while they were carrying the coffin into the cemetery, one of the drunken pallbearers staggers into the gatepost and almost drops the coffin. At the shaking, however, there is a loud knocking from the coffin, and lo and behold, the old lady's alive! She lives another 7 years, and then dies again. Again, they have a fine wake, and as they are weaving their drunken way towards the cemetery, you hear the old man's quavering voice... Careful at the gate, boys! Careful at the gate!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 11:48 AM

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,IBO
Date: 01 Oct 06 - 08:09 PM

Worlds shortest joke       2 gay cowboys      YUP, YEP

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 06 - 07:27 PM

It's not funny when this thread drops off the page.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 30 Sep 06 - 07:29 PM

A week after their marriage,

the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.

"My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Sep 06 - 09:05 PM

Vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can we to 'jazz' it up a bit?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"

She claims,"that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"

Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Sep 06 - 06:55 AM

There are nine bums in a bar and in walks Bill Gates.

On average, they are now all wealthy.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Crystal
Date: 29 Sep 06 - 04:30 AM

A short history of medicine

I have an earache

2000BC: Here eat this root
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Bill from Brighton
Date: 28 Sep 06 - 03:08 PM

How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb?




















(Get back to me on that one will you?!)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 28 Sep 06 - 12:27 PM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Sep 06 - 08:49 AM

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's beingable to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Sep 06 - 05:03 AM

There was a man that had to go on a business trip in another country, so he asked his friend if he could take care of his pet ape while he was away. His friend agreed, and the man proceeded to give him specific directions.

The man led his friend to a bookcase in his study. He tilted one of the books on the shelf, and the bookcase creaked open. There was a huge steel door with 12 locks. The man showed his friend how to unlock the door, and then they proceeded down a long, dark staircase, lit only by candles. At the bottom of the stairs, there was another huge steel door with 12 locks. The man showed his friend how to unlock this door as well.

The door opened into a huge room, completely empty except for a large cage in the center of the room.

The man led his friend to this cage, and inside sat a small, furry, purple ball. "This is my purple ape" the man said proudly. "To feed and water him, you need only to pull out the drawer in the bottom of the cage, and deposit the food and water there.... Whatever you do... don't touch him!!"

The man's friend thought this somewhat bizarre, but agreed, and assured the man that everything would be fine. The next day, the friend went to the house, pulled on the book, unlocked the 12 locks, went down the stairs, unlocked the 12 locks on the second door, and entered the room.

He went to the cage, opened the drawer, deposited the food and water, closed the drawer, and began to walk away. He stopped about half way across the room, and thought to himself, "I wonder what happens when you touch him?"

He turned, walked back to the cage, and reached in, touching the small purple ball. The ball began to twitch, and then tremble. Suddenly, the small purple ball grew into a huge purple ape, that was foaming at the mouth, growling, and snarling. The friend was instantly terrified, and began to run away. Just as he reached the door, he heard the ape tearing through the bars of the cage. He slammed the door shut, and ran up the stairs.

When he got to the top, he heard the ape busting through the door, and coming after him. He slammed the second door, and closed the bookcase. "This thing really wants to kill me," he thought, as he ran out of the house. As he got into his cab in front of the house, he saw the purple ape breaking out of the front door, drooling, and bearing his teeth. "Drive as fast as you can!" he yelled to the cab driver as the car sped away. They drove for almost a hour, but every time the man turned around, the ape was behind them. "Take me to the airport, I'll bet he can't fly" the man said. They reached the airport, and the man boarded a small passenger plane, took off, and felt safe.

But, when he looked down, he could see the ape running directly after him. "Fly over that huge lake, I'll bet he can't swim" the man directed to the pilot, and over the water they flew. The man looked down, and sure enough, below him, the purple ape swam.

Just then, the plane began to spit and sputter, and the pilot handed him a parachute. "we have to bail" the pilot said. So they jumped from the plane. The pilot's parachute opened, and he drifted safely to the ground.

The man's parachute, however, did not open. He fell straight into the water. As he came up for air, he remembered the purple ape, and began to panic.

He could hear the beast writhing behind him as he swam for his life. He reached a huge cliff along the bank and began to climb, all the while hearing the ape pursuing him to kill him. He reached the top, and began to run. Just then, his foot got caught on a vine and he fell, breaking his leg. That was the end, he couldn't run with a broken leg. He decided to accept that his time had come. As the purple ape rushed up on him, he began to pray to the heavens that all his sins be forgiven. Just then, the ape reached out, gently touched the man's arm, and said....




"TAG... You're it!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 25 Sep 06 - 12:09 AM

Copied from an Australian web site:

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: I reckon he's an accountant.
James: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: Excuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then, it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chris: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: Yes I am married. I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: Well then, it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: Me? Never
Suit: Well, there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: What's that then?
Chris: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: Nope
Chris: Well then, you're a wanker.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: bobad
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 09:38 PM

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: bobad
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 09:15 PM

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 08:51 PM

Amd that, Ladies amd Gentlemen, concludes the display of an infrequently used Martial Art...

Thai Coup!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 11:14 AM

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. I don't know what to feed it.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Two can live as cheaply as one--for half as long.

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 08:33 AM

An old soldier was killed in action and denied entrance through the pearly door but sent the other direction.
In hell he ist told the bad tidings first: endless unbearable torture, and then the good tidings: he is free to choose any hell to serve his time in.
He is guided around, shouts and wailing everywhere, till he stops before a big door with the loudest roar and shouting behind.
"What kind of hell is this?" he asks.
"The military hell," the devil answers.
"And what is the special torture?"
"You are put on a gridiron, soaked with oil, and lit up."
"Oh my," the soldier says, "that doesn't sound worse than the other tortures I was shown, and I'll be with my buddies. So I'll go to this hell."
"O.K.," the devil says, opens the door and shoves him in.
The soldier can't trust his eyes. He is standing in a giant hall, with a long bar from end to end, and all soldiers in hell are standing there singing, shouting, and boozing like hell.
"Where am I here?" the soldier asks.
"In the military hell."
"But are we not supposed to be put on gridirons, soaked with oil, and then lit up?"
"Oh man - you are in MILITARY hell! Oil is under reserve, matches are in a bottleneck, and when both are available at the same time, the gridirons are away for maintenance!"

Sent in by an old S4

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Sep 06 - 07:31 AM

The way Phil and Megan relax is
To wife-swap at Anna and Max's.
The Meg-Max entente
Do whatever they want.
Shock reaction: an Anna-Phil axis.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: bobad
Date: 11 Sep 06 - 08:04 PM

Sexual urges of men and women
"I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it."
Author unknown

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 08:02 PM

Shakespeare walked into a pub and the bartender said...




















" You're bard."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Roughyed
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 07:58 PM

Probably been done before but life is too short to read all of these jokes. I like the one about the man who collapsed in an Indian restaurant and fell into a korma.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 07:23 PM

From my son Tim, the punster: what do you call someone who's in a coma and will never recover? Comatoast!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Partridge
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 03:15 PM

Some stuff from UK papers and the tube that made me smile

Pat x


1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)



A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Aug 06 - 01:43 PM

Hello Everybody

I was talking to a neighbour of mine and he was telling me about what happened one evening at the Club he was at.
He said to me you now who Murray Walker is, I said yes I do; will for those of you who don't now him he was a Commentator on the ITV Television for the Grand Prix Racing for 25 Years?, will my neighbour was saying there was a quiz on the last-night, and a girl was called up to try and get the answer to a Question,   he said to her,

Question

What Sports Commentator Retired after 25 years of Commentating for the Grand Prix Racing on ITV. The girl said that's terrible why is it that wee the girls always get Sporting Questions, the Person who gave out the question said alright I will give you a clue,

The clue is,    when you put it in your mouth its Hard,      after a while it gets Soft, then after another while there's a liquid comes out of it.

The Girl said with excitement I no I no who, it's,

Dickie Davis

Will the crowd let a big cheer out, everybody was laughing and she thought she got the answer right

And for those of you who don't know who Dickie Davis he was a sporting Presenter for ITV on Saturday afternoon for many years.

And the clue the man was giving was a "Murray-mint Sweet" though she thought the clue was something else if you now what I mean.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Aug 06 - 09:42 PM

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .

    They Walk Among Us!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Bert
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 01:54 AM

Great ones Skiff.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 08:02 PM

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

    They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

They walk among us, AND they reproduce...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 11:18 AM

"Excuse For Being Late"

Jones came into the office an hour late
for the third time in one week and found
the boss waiting for him. "What's the
story this time, Jones?" he asked
sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse
for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong
this morning, Boss. As I was about ready to leave for work, the wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready
in ten minutes, which would have been okay, but then the drawbridge
got stuck. Rather than let you down, I
swam across the river -- look, my suit's
still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a
ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter,
landed on top of Radio City Music Hall,
and was carried here piggyback by one
of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones,"
said the boss, obviously disappointed.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,ADNAAN$$$$$$
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 10:14 AM

YOUR AN IDEUT

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 02:40 PM

"Perhaps on a Kaiser Roll?"

Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor for the menu.

"We don't need a menu here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."

"What? Anything?" asked the client.

"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.

"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."

"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."

"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."

"It certainly was" exclaimed the proprietor. "Tell you what, come with me."

The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plants, animals, and birds. The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.

"That's where your soup came from," he announced.

The client was absolutely floored. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."

"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. We were clean out of bread that day!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 09:23 AM

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget



RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 07:19 PM

For the sake of completeness...

A while ago there was another Jokes thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 07:13 PM

From the Font of wisdom...

Two fonts go into a bar, and the barman says to them,
"Sorry, we don't like your type in here."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Naemanson
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 04:57 PM

I just found these on a web site called alphadictionary.com. They don't really fit the complete definition of haiku but they aren't bad. I really like the second one.

Haiku Windows Alerts

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Windows has crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

This crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a perfect boat anchor.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software cannot bridge.

Yesterday it worked.
Today, it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Author: Randy?
Contributor: Wendy Middleton

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Splott Man
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 12:00 PM

Another:

Frappe, frappe.
--Qui est la?
Loss
--Loss qui?
Oui, frappe, frappe!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 11:24 AM

A linguist's joke:

Knock knock.
--Who's there?
Objective case.
--Objective case who?
No, objective case *whom*.

--from Verbatim: The Language Quarterly

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Rman
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 05:14 AM

Birds nest?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 04:22 PM

Fine, but what's the stalk of wheat got to do with the riddle?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,decky
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 12:04 PM

As I Walk Up A Stalk of Wheat, I Saw
A Thing That I Could Eat,
It Had Niether Fish, Flesh, Nor Bones,
But I Waited Until It Could Walk On It's Own.




    EGG

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 10:16 AM

What's long and thin and sticky ?
























A stick

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 10:09 AM

No. I'll bite. What?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Decky
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 07:23 AM

Father michael Magillacutty is walking along the street he spies Paddy Irishman walking towards him, paddy is drunk and can hardly stand they meet face to face, the Priest says: Oh my God Paddy look at the state your in your drunk what have you got to say for yourself, Paddy says: yaaa don't call me Paddy ya call me our Lord, the Priest says: ah Paddy why are you saying that for, that is terrible, to say such things as that, what will your wife say, Paddy says: I'am telling the truth, and i will prove it to you Father, so they cross the road to a PUB Paddy opens the door of the PUB and inside the owner looks over to the door and sees Paddy coming in and says: JESUS CHRIST it's not you again

-----------------------------------------------------
do you know the Answer to the ridde I posted above
about! As I Walk Up A Stalk of Wheat?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Rman
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 05:45 AM

What's pink and wrinkly and smells of pee?















Your granddad!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:17 PM

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
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A Carrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 11:43 AM

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem. He was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his penis. The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Guest Decky
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 08:52 AM

Riddle for You's All, you'll get it, it's simple.

As I Walk Up A Stalk of Wheat, I Saw
A Thing That I Could Eat,
It Had Niether Fish, Flesh, Nor Bones,
But I Waited Until It Could Walk On It's Own.

What Was IT.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 06:17 AM

Thre Viking longboats are approaching the Irish coast, a seemingly rich village ahead.
The yarl gives his orders:
"Olaf's boat will do the looting.
Hakon's boat - the burning.
Erik's boat - "
"Oh noooo! not raping again!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: hilda fish
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 04:42 AM

Ivan Milat and a young hitchhiker were walking through the south coast State forest one evening. Young hitchhikers says, "Geez it's dark and scarey in here isn't it?" Ivan answers, "Yep, but more scarey for me as I have to walk back alone"

Oh that is SO sick!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:26 AM

Fellow advertises that he has a talking dog for sale--for $10. Guy calls and goes to see the owner.

"So, the dog really talks?"

"Yes, indeed he does. He's around back. Go introduce yourself and have a conversation with him."

So the guy goes back and the dog says, "How DO you do. My name is Oswald, and yes, I talk."

The guys says, "Tell me about yourself."

The dog says, "Well, I was in the K-9 Corp of LAPD for four years. However, I was seconded to the Drug Squad. I tired of that and the CIA chose me do do some covert work in Iraq. I managed to get photos of their war plans and I passed them on to Washington. Later, I was sent into Russia to bring out a defector. I was finally taken back home to the USA and this kind gentleman bought me for $25,000."

The guy said his thanks and went to the owner. "Man, that dog CAN talk. Why are you selling him for $10?"

The owner said, "Because he's a fuckin' liar."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:19 AM

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said,
"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied,
"Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:17 AM

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First Joke thread for 2006