BS: Favourite insults

Subject: BS: Favourite insults
From: Stu
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 04:42 AM

This is the gene police - get out of the pool!

So many freaks, so few circuses

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 05:06 AM

Bought a whole heap of fridge magnets in the summer... all of them have an insult from Shakespeare on them. I think my favourite has to be 'thou smellst like a mountain goat' but it missed out this one which is fantastic...

'Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood'. (From King Lear).

Limpit is doing Shakespeare for her school project this term... I think I'm going to regret this...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Paul Burke
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 05:11 AM

From Staveley, near Chesterfield, said to a blundering apprentice: "When tha were born, they threw t' wrong bit away".

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: The Shambles
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 05:13 AM

You rotter!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: gnomad
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 06:57 AM

"You jackamanapes scourings of a lock-hospital pisspot!"

Can't remember where I came across that one, and I have never used it, but I relish rolling it around in my mind when people I must not offend get to wind me up. One day, maybe.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: GUEST,Dáithí
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 07:43 AM

...also from WS
"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 08:53 AM

one that sticks in my mind, from Nick Fenwick:-

last time I saw a face like that, a zookeeper was feeding it buns...

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:18 AM

Is that your own brain or are you breaking it in for an idiot ?

Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill, " Winston if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee "

Churchill to Bessie, " Madam if you were my wife I'd drink it "

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:21 AM

George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill two tickets for the first night of his new play saying " bring a friend, if you've got one "

Churchill replied that he couldn't make the first night, but he would come to the second night, if there was one.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: kendall
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:23 AM

Mine is way too gross to post here.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:46 AM

The Monty Python team have come up with some good ones. From the Architect sketch -

"That's the kind of blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage"

And of course the French insulting the knights in 'Holy Grail'

"I wave my private parts at your Aunty."

"Your mother was a hampster and your father smells of elderberries"

:-)

But my favourite is not so much an insult as a curse - Apparantly translated from one of the Arabic languages.

"May the hole in your arse heal up."

Eeeeuccchhh.

:D (tG)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 10:37 AM

There's something soul-satisfying in informing a particularly offensive driver that he (or she) is a slack-jawed pig-fucker.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 10:42 AM

My favorite printable one:

You bubble-mouthing, fog-blathering, chin-chuntering, chap-flapping, liturgical, turgidical, base old man!

- Christopher Fry, The Lady's not for Burning

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 10:45 AM

Oh - and just remembered Jimmy Jewel to Hilda Baker

"You knock-kneed knackered old nose-bag"

They don't write comedy like that any more...

:D (tG)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 11:12 AM

You can be replaced by a void.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: GUEST,Dazbo
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 11:23 AM

may you live in interesting times

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 11:55 AM

From King Lear:

"You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face"

'Nuff said!

~D

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: BuckMulligan
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 12:39 PM

Another Churchillian:

(WSC) - Madame, you are ugly (or words ot that effect)
(Madame) - And you are drunk!
(WSC) - Indeed, but in the morning, I shall be sober.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 12:56 PM

Mr. ________ has a face we will never forget, both of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 01:09 PM

Mine is: You are the illegitimate product of a zombies wet dream....

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 02:44 PM

"Please be sure to send me an invitation to your mother's wedding".

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 02:50 PM

George S. Kaufman seated next to a blathering old bitty at a dinner party turned to her and asked, "Madam...Do you have any unexpressed thoughts?"

She was obviously not a Mudcatter.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 03:07 PM

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you.

--Bob Dylan, "Positively Fourth Street"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 04:08 PM

1. Aah see you've found the antidote to Oil of Olay/Grecian 2000/

2. Hey Pet! What's you and your sister been up to since Cinderella got married!

3. If wit was shit you'd be constipated

4. If brains was dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose

5. Why do I call you 'Babe'? You've seen the movie????

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 04:20 PM

Ah.. if you were any more stupid, I'd have to water you once a week..

I'd happily engage in a battle of wits but I don't like to fight an unarmed opponent.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 04:27 PM

I think one of the most insulting thing one can say to someone is

You're the epitome of 'nice'

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 04:54 PM

Someone said to me last week that you haven't got the manners of a pig...but I stood up for you and insisted you had.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: frogprince
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 08:45 PM

Just remembered something I haven't heard since grade school:

"I saved your life yesterday; I killed a s**t eating dog"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:38 PM

Churchill---my hero---above comment about poison was, supposedly, to Lady Astor.    Iloved the Shaw one. Good for the Bulldog.

    Another Churchillian one---you, sir, are a modest person with much to be modest about.


Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 09:40 PM

Now let us try this one---not Churchillian.   

Would that the world had more people like you. Then it would be easier to see whom to avoid.

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 10:28 PM

"That isn't right. It isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli

Exchange of toasts at a convention:

Here's to the American eagle,
That wonderful bird of prey.
It flies from Maine to Mexico
And shits on Ioway.

Then here's to the State of Iowa,
Whose soil is already rich --
It needs no turd from a bald-headed bird
Or a red-headed son of a bitch.

He is as brilliant as a dead mackerel in the moonlight -- he shines and stinks.
-- One 19th-century U.S. politician about another, I forget which.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 11:24 PM

May your pubic hair turn into drumsticks and beat the bollocks off you.

(Said to a man, I believe)


Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Bert
Date: 18 Sep 06 - 11:36 PM

You metamorhosing polywog.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: GUEST,Mike Miller
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 01:03 AM

I always liked a comment from the neurotic pianist, Oscar Levant. He said, "I'd like to memorize your name and, then, throw my head away!"

My favorite Kiddish curse (in loose translation), "You should lose every tooth in your mouth but one. That should be for a toothache!"

And, my favorite R rated insult is, "May your wife's pubic hair turn to fishhooks!"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 01:10 AM

There are two things I dislike about you, your face.

To a policeman, " I was going to join the force once, till they found out my mother and father were married.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: The Walrus
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 03:36 AM

"The best bit of you ran down your mother's leg"

You have/XYZ has "A face like a slapped arse"

You look/XYZ looks "like a wasp licking piss off a nettle"
(well it makes a change from "A bulldog chewing a wasp").


Once said of a self important politician:-
"There, but for the grace of God, goes God"

Or for someone who keeps getting into one's line of sight:-
"You might be a pain - but you're not a window pane!"

W

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: The Shambles
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 04:57 AM

Cad.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 10:12 AM

If I wanna really hurt someone's feeling, I'll call them Shambles....

Or Little Hawk......

Even I don't find occasion to be THAT mean very often

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 10:53 AM

Clinton, you are the epitome of nice.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 10:56 AM

Are you not creative enough to get your own line?

thought not....

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 11:25 AM

Lighten up, Clinton. I meant it to be funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 11:41 AM

Really?

Keep your day job then....

:-)

See... that's what emoticons are for... they serve to help convey 'tone' in this text-only medium....

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 12:52 PM

You see, she explained patiently, you had just got done saying that you considered that line the ultimate of any insult and then went on to blast someone else which gave *her* the chance to use your line.

:)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: The Shambles
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 03:05 PM

Pone ubi sol non lucet!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 04:38 PM

I think it's clear enough, Shambles.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 19 Sep 06 - 05:57 PM

Aah once upset a bunch of women in a bar when aah asked them if they were there for the auditions for 'MacBeth'

A face like ..........

A slate-hanger's nail pouch!
A bag of chisels!
The south-end of a north-bound cow!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: GUEST,Dáithí
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 04:27 AM

Not sure if it counts as an insult, but it's certainly a great put down...courtesy of Samuel Johnson who, when asked by its author what he thought of a book replied:
"It is both good, and original. Unfortunately, that which is good is not original, and that which is original is not good".
One of my favourites...
D

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Flash Company
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 09:42 AM

Forget where I saw it, but translated from the Arabic, 'May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.'

FC

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: GUEST,Mike Miller
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 11:05 AM

I love those "translated from the Arabic" curses. My favorite is "All the tanks in the British Army could not separate the hairs of your moustache from the hairs of my ass."

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 03:37 PM

May your next shit be a hedgehog....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Michael in Swansea
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 05:31 PM

"know what I like about you?"
"No"
"F**k all"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 07:47 PM

My all time favourite has just become Hugo Chavez' stand up comedy stylings while at the UN General Assembly podium TODAY.

"24 hours ago the devil was in this room. 24 hours ago the devil was at this very podium. I can still smell the sulfer of the devil . The devil I refer to is the President of the United States George Bush.
It still stinks..."

it gets impossibly funnier, like something Amos or catspaw could write.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Dead Horse
Date: 21 Sep 06 - 03:07 PM

Madam. If The Good Lord, in His infinite wisdom, had meant for women to drive, He would not have invented kitchens!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Sep 06 - 03:27 PM

From Blackadder (to Lord Percy Percy):

You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 21 Sep 06 - 03:48 PM

Blackadder is one of the funniest shows, in my opinion. Now being shown again in NY on WLIW---must be about 30 yrs old now.   I never thought Atkinson's Mr. Bean came close to his Blackadder. Loved his Christmas Carol from Blackadder.

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Inukshuk
Date: 21 Sep 06 - 04:14 PM

Look at you then. Living proof that anal intercourse can produce offspring.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Sep 06 - 11:40 PM

Lyndon B. Johnson had some (I think it was) journalists in the White House for a luncheon, and as one of them happened to be an ordained minister, he was asked to open with a prayer. No sooner had he begun when Johnson interrupted "Speak up, ----, we can't hear you." He replied, "I wasn't talking to you, Mr President."

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Old Guy
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 12:29 AM

Yo Mamma wears combat boots.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 08:20 AM

You are mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.............

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Sep 06 - 09:16 PM

"The meanest man in the United States, unearthed the other day in Chicago,..." -- Beginning of a column by H. L. Mencken (1908)

"'Young Mr. Buckley is getting into low company,' I wrote several years ago apropos the career up to then of William F. Buckley, Jr., Yale '50, and expressed a fatherly hope -- from the vantage point of Yale '28 -- that he would straighten out when he grew up. He hasn't done either...." -- Beginning of a book review by Dwight Macdonald (1954)