BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th

Subject: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Bugsy
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 06:45 AM

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My Daughter's mother in law is turning 60 and they're having a party for her.

My daughter has to give a little speach and wants to make it a series of "you're so old....." Jokes.

Anyone got any??


Cheers


Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,60-year-old
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 08:10 AM

You're giving her a party - but you want to make sure she doesn't enjoy it?
However, if she's sixty she will have been young in the sixties. Maybe you could use that, ask her if she remembers it.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 08:22 AM

Your so old that you could be your own grandfather(mother)...

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: artbrooks
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 08:22 AM

Sorry for the long cut-and-paste...it's from an e-mail I received recently and I don't have a link to this.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,, Frisbees and the pill

There was no: radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,       "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.   


This Woman would be only 58 years old! This means YOU !!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Amos
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 10:04 AM

Well, I would dispute a coupleof the details. Dishwashers were around fifty eight years ago, for example.

But the sentiment is true enough.

A

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 10:15 AM

You are so old, that when you were born, the American flag only had 3 stars on it.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Becca72
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 10:21 AM

In 1850, Joel Houghton patented a wooden machine with a hand-turned wheel that splashed water on dishes, it was hardly a workable machine, but it was the first patent. In 1886, Josephine Cochran proclaims in disgust "If nobody else is going to invent a dishwashing machine, I'll do it myself." And she did, Josephine Cochran invented the first practical (did the job) dishwasher. Josephine Cochran had expected the public to welcome the new invention, which she unveiled at the 1893, World's Fair, but only the hotels and large restaurants were buying her ideas. It was not until the 1950s, that dishwashers caught on with the general public. Josephine Cochran's machine was a hand-operated mechanical dishwasher. She founded a company to manufacture these dish washers, which eventually became KitchenAid

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: LilyFestre
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 11:33 AM

I'm planning a party for someone turning sixty very soon....went to a party on Sunday for someone who turned sixty and spent Saturday with yet another woman who was turning sixty! I'm thinking there was a large return of WWII folks back in February of 1946! :) :) :)

Michelle who doesn't know any "You're so old jokes...."

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 11:35 AM

I wouldnt have known about dishwashers, but 58 years ago, as of now, is 1948.... so stop & think...RADAR existed...TELEVISION existed....
PENICILLIN existed.

Maybe they didn't though when that thing started doing the rounds of the 'net, some of these email things seem to be so old, & people just pass them on & pass them on.

Anyway, to bring it back to topic, what about:

Youre so old, they had to invent fire just for your 1st Birthday Cake, or something like that?

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: LilyFestre
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:00 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:26 PM

One reason, I suppose, that I don't care much for 'You're so old' jokes is because of my own age. But I don't remember ever liking them. Remind me too much of Don Rickles' humo(u)r.

I hope she retorts with "Somday you'll be as old as I am- if you're lucky.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: JennyO
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:39 PM

You're so old, your back goes out more than you do.

You're so old you were a waiter at the last supper.

You're so old when you walk by a graveyard, guys come running after you with shovels.

You're so old that when you went to the 'Antiques Roadshow,' someone appraised you!

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at work
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:41 PM

You're so old, when you were born the dead sea was still sick..

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:45 PM

I rather think jokes about being old are best from people who are getting on themsleves. Rather like "ethnic humour".

Got any 80 year old family members around who could make a speech with jokes about this young hippy who thinks she's grown up just because she's turned 60?

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:51 PM

Ah, old age... sure beats the alternative!

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:04 PM

How about she turns it around and finds jokes about how 60 is the NEW 30 or 40 and what it is like to have a MIL who is so close in age to herself?

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:15 PM

I am almost 60. What's funny about that? I have heard all the bathroom jokes; all the sex jokes; all the 'failing body part' jokes, etc. I have responded to about 120 emergency scenes this year. Helped save a half dozen lives this year. Two kids I took out of a fire years back will never think of me as being 'old'. I was about 52 at the time. They just remember me as the firefighter who took them out of a dangerous place.

I dislike humor that targets age like it's something to be ashamed of. The jokes are seldom funny, and I am not ashamed to be 59. If I live that long, I won't be ashamed to be 70 either. Mileage may vary; this is just my opinion.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Don Firth
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:54 PM

I'm so old that when the Big Bang occurred, I'm the one who yelled, "What the hell was that!??"

I'd suggest that you be sure the honored guest is receptive to this kind of humor before inflicting it on her.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: LilyFestre
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 01:55 PM

We joke about age in my family. My Nana, who is 80+ years old informs me that age is a state of mind and by watching her, I'd say she's absolutely correct! She and my grandfather were still rollerskating (holding hands...isn't that SWEET?!) when they were in their mid 70's. Rock on, people!

I think you really have to know your audience to make wise cracks about age. Some people can laugh at themselves and some can't. Some folks don't mind the number at all while others become depressed. But ashamed? What on earth would a person feel ashamed of their age for? If anything, it's an ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!! :)

I hope that when I turn 50, 60, 70 and beyond that I can laugh about it and think back on what a wonderful life I've had and how fortunate I am. :)

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 02:41 PM

I'm so old, that when I bend over to tie my shoes, I think, "Now, is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 03:10 PM

You need an archaeologist to do your makeup

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Bert
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 03:14 PM

I'm not OLD at 67, so what the hell's funny about someone being 60?

*GRIN*

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: fat B****rd
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 03:17 PM

I'll be 60 next year and have recently been "early retired" I immediately contacted Roger The Skiffler for guidance and bought some wooly tartan slippers and a baggy cardigan.
I must get out more 'cos I never see anybody to make "oldie" jokes at me.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Amos
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 03:21 PM

...you had a teen crush on the first Neanderthal...


...God invited you to a sock-hop.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Don Firth
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 03:34 PM

I'm 75 and still going strong, and I can attest to the fact that inside every septuagenarian (no, that's not a religion), there is a teen-ager saying "What the hell happened!??"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 03:52 PM

what about the one about remembering when there were no digital watches?

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: cobra
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 04:02 PM

Heard about the discussion between a post-Modernist and a Mafioso? The PM made him an offer he couldn't understand.

Well, he WAS over 60.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,Obie
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 04:20 PM

Fron the revue, Rise and Follies of Cape Breton Island:
John Alex and Annie are reminising about their honeymoon years ago....
Annie: "You couldn't wait to get my stockings off!"
John Alex: " Well tonight dear........you'll have time to knit a pair!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Don Firth
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 04:31 PM

On their wedding night, after their marriage was consummated, she went into the bathroom and cried. Trying to re-enact their honeymoon on their fiftieth anniversary, he was the one who went into the bathroom and cried.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 05:17 PM

How about a nice "old" song?

Introduce it by saying that in honor of the occasion you've got a special song, just in her honor.

(To the tune of "Silver threads among the gold".)

Supposing her name is Helen, it would go:

Helen, you are growing oh-old
Rocks don't get as old as you.
You're not quite as old as God is
But you're older than primordial stew.

Yes, my Helen, you will bee-ee-ee
Older than the rocks and trees.
Yes, my Helen, you will bee-ee
Older than the rocks and trees!"

I've used it a number of times over the years, and it's always been well received.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 08:49 PM

"I think you really have to know your audience to make wise cracks about age. Some people can laugh at themselves and some can't. "

Many of these 'jokes' are unfortunately 'mature' - and not really the sort of thing that I would want a young daughter of mine to say to her grandmother in public (but that's just MY personal opinion) - I DO like Uncle_DaveO's suggestion, however.

And just to be fair, there are a couple that would be OK - if you can't guess them, then you're just not on my wavelengh.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: The Walrus
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 10:27 PM

A couple of lines.
How about

"Congratulations, you're 60 ... What do you want to do when you grow up?"

or

"Life begins at Forty - Happy Twentieth Birthday!"

W

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Bugsy
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 03:17 AM

Thanks for all the suggestions "Muddies". Keep 'em coming!

Let me assure those who are concerned about the MIL's feelings, that she will love having these "Age salvos" shot across her bows, and to
those who, find these jokes tasteless, I can only say, humour comes in all shapes and sizes,and whatever size or shape yours is - it's a damned sight better than having non at all!

CHeers all


Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 05:08 PM

Passed around quite a bit on the ineternet/email loops - your grannies reply:

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said loudly enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

John (a little past 60)

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Bugsy
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 08:14 PM

Very True.


Cheers


Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Don Firth
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 08:22 PM

Great, John! I love it!!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 10:44 AM

"I hate a song that makes you think ... you are either too old or too young or too fat or too thin or too this or too that. Songs that run you down or songs that poke fun at you on account of your bad luck or your hard travelling.

"I am out to fight those kind of songs to my very last breath of air and my last drop of blood.

Woody Guthrie.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 10:03 PM

I'll be 69 in a couple of weeks. I can remember when it was funny that there would someday be a *class* of '69.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Bugsy
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 10:06 PM

Well....If "Woody" said it, it must be "Law"


CHeers


Bugsy

saidhewithabroadgrin

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,tom
Date: 22 Oct 06 - 10:27 PM

Your so old you sat next to Jesus in 3rd grade.

Your so old when you were younger the beach was just rocks.

Your so old when you went to file for retirement the man at the desk asked for your social security # and you replied 1.

Your so old you used to date Ben Franklin and the key to his kite was actually for your apartment.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Oct 06 - 10:03 AM

if it was the UK it would be:

"You're so old that the agism laws down work retro-actively........"

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Claymore
Date: 23 Oct 06 - 07:48 PM

I remember asking my Grandmother about what had changed in her life the most, and she replied that when she was 13 a man first flew at Kitty Hawk, and when she was 75, a man landed on the Moon. That was a 62 year span, and it took us thousands of years to develop the wheel.

Oh, and by the way, I'll be 60 myself in 1 week...

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Oct 06 - 05:06 PM

My Mum,who's 90,liked this one.

Did you hear about the man of 86 who married a woman of 79. They spent their honeymoon getting out of the car.




    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Don Firth
Date: 24 Oct 06 - 05:17 PM

"Ye gods! Will you please do somethng about that squeaky chair!??"

"It's not the chair! It's my back!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: dagenham doc
Date: 24 Oct 06 - 05:26 PM

Sixty! A time when you wake up in the morning and start thinking, in a moment of insane and irrational optimism, that in a week or two you'll be feeling as good as ever!!.

T......

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 25 Oct 06 - 02:28 PM

A little old lady is in court for stealing a tin of peaches - She abdent-mindedly popped them into her bag and not the shopper

The judge decides to be lenient due to her confusion and asks her how many peaches were there in the tin

"Three" she replies

So the judge snetences her to 3 days in the slammer

Just then her husband pipes up and says, "She stole a tin of peas too!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: GUEST,edward inglefield
Date: 30 Oct 06 - 03:16 PM

you are so old you shit cobweb

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 11:02 AM

I used to know a lot of aging jokes when I was 60, but it was so long ago that I've forgotten most of them.

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: The Walrus
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 11:35 AM

Dick,

You know what they say. As you get older, the second thing to go is the memory. Now if I could only remember what the first one was.....

W

Subject: RE: BS: 'you're so old...' jokes needed for 60th
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Oct 06 - 08:43 PM

Ways to know you have reached a certain age:

Before you do anything, you have to do something else, usually piss.

Something that lasts a long time (say, a blanket) wears out, and you
buy a new one, perhaps for the last time.

The hair on top of your head, if any, is too sparse to hold back the
hair in front, if any.

The president of the United States is younger than you are.

You get an extra meal when you floss your teeth.

You see an obituary and say "Was that old bastard still alive?"