BS: How to answer a woman when she...

Subject: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 03:48 PM

How do ya answer a woman when she asks one of those dumb questions, like, "Do these jeans make my rear end look too big?" or "Do you think my nose is too big?" or "Do you think my feet are too big?"

Well, why does a dame ask "Do you think my nose is too big?" What for, when she already knows the answer and there ain't nothin' anyone can say that'll convince her otherwise?

I don't fall for it anymore. The last one that asked me that, I just grinned and said, "Kid...if the Titanic had had a honker the size of yours the damn iceberg would've got the hell out of the way right quick, and a whole lotta people wouldn't of drowned that night."

You shoulda seen the look! Then she started laughin'. It usually works, but your timing has got to be good. No fear. Gets 'em every time, if ya handle it right.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 03:50 PM

"why does a dame ask "Do you think my nose is too big?"

Insecurity mostly...

The best answer to any of those questions is "I love you."

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 04:07 PM

Way to go, Clinton.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 04:12 PM

Yeah, you can do that...but then she's got you at an emotional disadvantage from the getgo, and she'll keep workin' on it...and she'll still be insecure all the time anyway cos she won't really believe you think her nose ain't too big. She'll keep comin' back to you with the same old problem, and sayin' "I love you" won't be enough after awhile. Soon you will have to buy her flowers and candy and take her out to a swanky joint just to get her halfway toward bein' happy. She'll get moody sometimes without no reason and burst into tears and she'll end up blamin' you for it. You will find yourself jumpin' through hoops tryin' to convince her that her nose is "just fine", and she won't buy it. The harder you try, the deeper the hole gets. One day you look up and realize you can't see daylight anymore cos that hole has got so deep. And then what? She leaves you, because it's all your fault that things went sour.

Ha! I seen it enough times. The tender trap. Never give your power away to your partner just for the sake of a moment's peace, cos peace is not what you will find at the end of the line.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: terrier
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 05:26 PM

"too big for what?"
May as well go down fightin'

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 05:42 PM

Chongo, tell your master/mentor that he's all wet.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Beer
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 05:55 PM

"Well, a question ain't really a question
If you know the answer too."
John Prine

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 06:28 PM

I ain't got got no master or mentor, Ebbie. I am a one-ape show.   If yer talkin' about the Hawk, he ain't my mentor. He and I disagree on a lotta things. We was made in pretty different moulds.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 06:30 PM

Another good reason to put an end to 'guest' posts....

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 06:55 PM

Yeah, right. While we're at it, why not end everything that isn't your idea, Clinton, and that will make everything wonderful, won't it? We can have a forum where Clinton Hammond runs absolutely everything. Boy, what fun that would be! More fun than a barrel of monkeys. I bet people from all over would want to visit just for the joy and good vibes...but they'd have to join up first, right?

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: gnu
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 06:57 PM

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 08:03 PM

OK, now I understand, Chongo- Little Hawk is your alter ego. Or t'other way 'round.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Charley Noble
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 09:14 PM

Fortunately Clinton doesn't have an altro ego. One is more than sufficient.

Charley Ignoble

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: JennyO
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 09:21 PM

Ya may not like everything Clinton says, but on this thread he has given a very good, insightful answer. In fact, the ONLY answer I've seen here so far.

If someone is so insecure that saying "I love you" doesn't help, they probably need psychiatric help. Some people are a bottomless pit, and the trick is in recognising that early enough that you don't get buried too. Been there, done that, got the t shirt and (fortunately) climbed out of the pit.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Nov 06 - 10:10 PM

My son has this figgered out, early in life, and I am sure it will stand him in good stead for years to come. See, from his Navy service on a sub, he has learned how to talk (and appropriately) in his sleep and even look alert and interested. I saw him put this to use one day when my dau-ibn-law spoke to him while he was half-asleep on the couch. He answered, perkily, "You're beautiful, baby! I love you! And you're right, as usual!" And went right back to snoring, with a big shit-eating grin on his face.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 01:14 AM

Best answer I heard/read is in "Operating Instructions" by Anne Lamott (I also heard her tell the story at a lecture). I don't know that a guy, or a chimp ; > ) could safely tell this to a woman he's involved with romantically, but a friend could. The story goes something like this:

Anne went shopping with her best friend to buy a dress for a first date. She tried on a dress and modeled it for her friend, saying, "Does this make my hips look too big?" or something of a similar ilk. Her best friend, who was undergoing chemo for breast cancer, had no hair left and was in a wheelchair replied, "Annie, you don't have TIME for this."

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 01:16 AM

Yeah, Ebbie, we are kinda like polar opposites in quite a few ways.

The trouble with humans is they got not much sense of humor. Apes don't have that problem. We laugh at the drop of a hat.

So you wanna get all serious about this, do you, people? Okay. There are some females who are well enough adjusted that the "I love you" bit works just fine. No doubt about it. And there are some who ain't that well adjusted, in which case nothin' works. Those ones, like JennyO said, are a bottomless pit. Then you got the ones who are sorta on the cusp, know what I mean? For them, my method might be the best.

So...you gotta judge the situation by who you're dealin' with, right?

Has any guy ever asked his gal, "Honey, does my butt look too big in these jeans?"   LOL! I wonder. If so, he wouldn't want it to get around, that's for sure.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: skipy
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 08:22 AM

'er indoors asked me "does this make may bum look big"?
My answer:- "no, it's your fat that makes your bum look big".
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Peter T.
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 08:36 AM

"I think your ego is too weak."

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Splott Man
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 09:23 AM

I just say "Yes"
whatever the question.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Becca72
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 09:43 AM

Then there are those of us (women) who know the answer and don't bother to ask the question. It's not the pants so much as the gift of sight that makes my ass look big.
Sounds like you need to hang around with different women, Chongo.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: kendall
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 10:27 AM

That's my girl!

My wife doesn't ask silly questions.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 10:47 AM

It doesn't mater what the rest of the question is, the answer is with good chocolate.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 11:43 AM

Apes don't laugh

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 11:48 AM

You're wrong, Clinton, cos they are all laughin' whenever they think of you.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Scoville
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 11:54 AM

Do women actually ask that or is it just an urban legend repeated for the sake of perpetuating a gender stereotype? I would never even think to ask an SO such a ridiculous question.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 01:45 PM

Wrong again "Congo"....

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Joe E.
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 03:23 PM

Well, I had a girlfriend who was constantly obsessing about stuff like that and asking me those kind of questions. She also was asking "Do you love me?" about 10 or 15 times a day. After awhile I could not answer that question honestly any more.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 03:31 PM

So would an alto ego be singing a different part?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 10:40 PM

I figure the only response that gives a person a fighting chance is to throw one's arms up in the air, scream loudly and flee. Repeat as necessary.

If you *must* answer keep this guiding principle in mind:
"Any man who will never lie to his wife simply has no regard for her feelings."

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 06 Nov 06 - 10:44 PM

Never, never, never answer, exspecially if she's your wife.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Nov 06 - 09:14 PM

I have a large, good friend, who occasionally sets up the question, "Does this mandolin make my hands look fat?" You have to be there.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Scoville
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 10:20 AM

ALL mandolins make hands look fat. It's the whole point of the mandolin. (Although it strikes me that it's always the biggest guy in the band who plays the mandolin. Why is that?)

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 08:12 PM

I'm thinking that a woman who asks that question with sincerity (maybe she feels the outfit isn't flattering) is looking for an honest answer. The woman who asks that question and is looking for attention and receives an honest (maybe not so nice) answer isn't going to go that direction for attention any longer. The first woman is going to be appreciative of the honesty and the second may be ticked off for a bit but she won't be asking you again anytime soon!

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 08:33 PM

Do women actually ask blokes that question? I find it hard to believe.

I think it's just a traditional framework for a joke, a bit like those cartoons of shipwrecked sailors sitting on tiny islands with a coconut palm for company.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Joe E.
Date: 08 Nov 06 - 10:43 PM

I'm tellin' you, man, I had a girlfriend who constantly was asking such questions and nothing you could say would help. I've also had several other girlfriends who did not do that, but when you've had one that does, you don't forget it.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: kendall
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 08:16 AM

I don't know about other women, but my EX wife used to ask such questions. Finally, one day she came in wearing a new blue skirt. She twirled around and asked "Does this make me look like a Mack truck"?
I said "No, Mack trucks are always red." She was not amused.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 09:40 AM

Heh!

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: SharonA
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 03:21 PM

The problem with Chongo's original post is that he's talking about two different kinds of questions:

"Do these jeans make my rear end look too big?" Different clothing styles are intended for different body types. For instance, here is a page displaying all of the different styles of Levi's jeans for women -- no less than EIGHTY-FIVE of 'em: all Levi's jeans for women (and you wonder why it takes us so long to try on clothes!) A style that enhances one body type will not look as good on another body type. So, in the case of this question, the woman may well be seeking information, not validation. If the clothing really does not make the woman look her best, regardless of the size of her naked butt, the best answer would be to ask what other styles she's tried on... and, if you KNOW that another style in particular makes her look better, suggest that style choice to her.

"Do you think my nose is too big?" or "Do you think my feet are too big?" Now we're talking about insecurities and the need for validation. Plastic surgery might reduce the size of a nose (though I don't know if it can help feet at all), but any surgery involves risks of complications and my own personal feeling is that it should be avoided unless medically necessary. I'm also anti-Botox (why inject poison into yourself just to make it look like you've been stung by a bee??). Maybe the answer is to tell the woman that you love her too much to let any sawbones cut her up, implant implants in her or suck fat out of her just to fatten his own wallet.

Unfortunately, there are too many men out there who leave good women for good-looking women. Hence the insecurity of the good women, and so much in our media-frenzied culture feeds on that insecurity. It's all driven by greed on the part of those industries that want women to pay them for superficial stuff, to literally BUY into that impossible-to-achieve physical "perfection".

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Cats
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 04:43 PM

Surely all women know that men always have the final word... it's 'yes dear'.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 05:22 PM

Well, you got a good point there about the jeans, SharonA. I will keep that in mind in future.

I hafta admit that I have probably left a few good women for good-lookin' women. It's shameful, but it's true. I guess that is one of my weaknesses. The others are drinkin' a wee bit too much sometimes when I'm depressed and smokin' cigars which I am told is bad for me.

I keep hopin' to find a really good woman who is ALSO really good-lookin', of course. (And who don't mind the booze and cigars too much.) You know how it is...

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 06:36 PM

If a gal ever starts out one of the killer questions with "Do you think...", simply tell her you are underqualified to answer the question, due to a lack of thinking ability...

THEN give her Clinton's answer of "I love you."

Brian.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 07:41 PM

Of course in many times in history and many places round the world the hoped for answer to the question would be "Yes indeed!"

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Bobert
Date: 09 Nov 06 - 07:57 PM

Yes, yes 'n yes....






























Jus' funnin', ladies...

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 08:48 PM

I have discovered the ultimate source for perfect answers to those pesky questions women are so fond of asking!

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Talking to Women

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 09:09 PM

Field testing tonight revealed that 'Ohhh, a Gin and tonic would be really good' does not translate as 'I would like a gin and tonic', it actually translates into her dating this very special* guy, and managing to imply to my better half that it's all my fault...

So Alcohol isn't the answer.




*Hmmmm. I could use a long paragraph to describe him and not get anywhere, so lets just say it's a good thing he's unique....

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 10:30 PM

Har! Har! "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Talking to Women"!!! I love it! I have used some of these lines. This is great. Ook! Ook! Ha! Ha! Ha! Man, I gotta try out some of these other ones tonight at one of them swanky pickup joints downtown.

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: Rowan
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 02:18 AM

"Do you think my nose is too big?"
reminds me of a broadcast of the Science Show (ABC Radio National) about 20 years ago. Robin Williams had a habit of marking every 100th broadcast with a 'special' on a topic and the one he picked for that occasion was Freud's hypotheses about penis envy. Except that every mention of 'penis' or 'penile' was replaced by "nose" or "nasal".

Most entertaining, especially considering some of the stories concerning Freud's dealings with real noses.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: How to answer a woman when she...
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 24 Nov 06 - 02:40 AM

"My dear, you know that I much prefer to see you naked, and anything that conceals your perfect figure is an affront to my sensibilities and my love for you."





I tried that one once.







I recovered after a while.

John