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BS: Empty Nest Syndrome

GUEST,Guest snivelling wreck 31 Dec 06 - 08:53 AM
Emma B 31 Dec 06 - 09:06 AM
GUEST 31 Dec 06 - 09:07 AM
GUEST 31 Dec 06 - 09:11 AM
kendall 31 Dec 06 - 09:15 AM
KT 31 Dec 06 - 10:05 AM
Linda Goodman Zebooker 31 Dec 06 - 10:48 AM
SINSULL 31 Dec 06 - 11:19 AM
Sorcha 31 Dec 06 - 11:58 AM
MBSLynne 31 Dec 06 - 12:10 PM
Nancy King 31 Dec 06 - 01:07 PM
Ebbie 31 Dec 06 - 01:23 PM
dianavan 31 Dec 06 - 01:29 PM
kendall 31 Dec 06 - 02:51 PM
GUEST,mg 31 Dec 06 - 03:28 PM
Uncle_DaveO 31 Dec 06 - 03:59 PM
KT 31 Dec 06 - 04:11 PM
dianavan 31 Dec 06 - 04:57 PM
Amos 31 Dec 06 - 05:46 PM
Stilly River Sage 31 Dec 06 - 06:09 PM
Midchuck 01 Jan 07 - 11:19 AM
GUEST,Snivelling wreck 01 Jan 07 - 06:20 PM
GUEST 01 Jan 07 - 09:03 PM
Amos 02 Jan 07 - 12:02 AM
kendall 02 Jan 07 - 12:25 PM
autolycus 02 Jan 07 - 01:08 PM
Mrrzy 01 Oct 19 - 12:56 PM
Mrrzy 01 Oct 19 - 12:57 PM
Jim Carroll 01 Oct 19 - 01:56 PM
leeneia 02 Oct 19 - 01:11 AM
BobL 02 Oct 19 - 03:01 AM
Stilly River Sage 02 Oct 19 - 10:30 AM
Mrrzy 02 Oct 19 - 12:23 PM
Bill D 02 Oct 19 - 01:42 PM
keberoxu 02 Oct 19 - 02:04 PM
Mrrzy 02 Oct 19 - 02:52 PM
Charmion 05 Oct 19 - 09:43 AM
Donuel 05 Oct 19 - 10:10 AM
Mrrzy 05 Oct 19 - 01:57 PM
Donuel 05 Oct 19 - 02:17 PM
Mrrzy 05 Oct 19 - 03:25 PM
Donuel 06 Oct 19 - 12:03 AM
Mrrzy 06 Oct 19 - 07:34 AM
Charmion 08 Oct 19 - 10:38 AM
Donuel 08 Oct 19 - 01:41 PM
Tattie Bogle 08 Oct 19 - 08:06 PM
Mrrzy 09 Oct 19 - 10:32 AM
Donuel 09 Oct 19 - 10:58 AM
Donuel 09 Oct 19 - 12:58 PM
Dorothy Parshall 09 Oct 19 - 04:52 PM
Mrrzy 09 Oct 19 - 05:43 PM
keberoxu 12 Oct 19 - 02:44 PM
Mrrzy 12 Oct 19 - 07:59 PM
Donuel 13 Oct 19 - 06:21 AM

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Subject: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: GUEST,Guest snivelling wreck
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 08:53 AM

Knew it had to happen , saw it coming, tried to be supportive and smooth the transition for both my lads,but had absolutely no idea how bereft it would leave me. Have given myself stern talkings -to, awarded myself treats , talked encouragingly to myself, found lots of distractions to take up the slack and tried so hard not to collapse into a snivelling wreck in front of them but I just cannot find anything to fill up that yawning chasm.I know that it's ridiculous, neither of them are dead for gawd's sake,they live only a few miles away,I can and do email occasionally and they do pop in from time to time,but d'you know that makes it worse because I know they're not going to stay. Miss their loud, idiotic, boisterous company .Even just telling you I can hardly see the keyboard and my sleeve is wet through. Pathetic, I agree.What else should I be doing ? Besides fetching a new hankie . Does it get better?


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Emma B
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 09:06 AM

No - you just get grandchildren :)

And don't snivel - just think of the "private" bathroom :)

Seriously good luck with your new found and, it is to be hoped, soon to be exploited independance.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 09:07 AM

Don't despair...Just as it is getting better, they come home with piles of stinky laundry and Play Station warhoops!


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 09:11 AM

Been there last year when mine went to college. It was hard I admit, she's home for Christmas flew in Christmas Eve. Independence was the making of her, she is great, loving it and we are like a young couple again in the house on our own !


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: kendall
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 09:15 AM

I don't mean to preach, but I've known a few parents who doted on their kids to the exclusion of almost everything else. That was their world, and when the kids left they were shattered.
Something about putting all your eggs in one basket.
Get a hobby or another interest to occupy that space.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: KT
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 10:05 AM

Well, I didn't dote and had more than enough to keep me occupied, but still, I understand our sniveling guest. Don't worry, guest. It DOES get easier. In the meantime, be gentle with that loving heart of yours.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Linda Goodman Zebooker
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 10:48 AM

It sounds like you have become dislocated from your tribe. I would advise getting on a committee for something you are interested in or feel strongly about. This will give you a new group of people to focus on and something that you will accomplish together.

My only child is away at his first year of college, and is out of the country. Now that I'm not cooking or being on homework-and-getting-into-college support, I have more free time than I had thought I would, and I have taken up excersing in a systematic way - something I haven't done in more than 20 years. I'm also taking up the guitar and various forms of folk dancing again, and these activities are all reinforcing each other. As a result I find I have more positive energy and feel more confident and competent in other aspects of my life.

Best of luck. It will get easier.

Linda


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: SINSULL
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 11:19 AM

It is hard. But I promise you, when you least expect or want it one of them will show up at your door in need of a warm bed, a hot meal and a hug.
Snivel away. It will do you good. Then, find a hobby or an interest to fill the void.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Sorcha
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 11:58 AM

I have re done a small room all by myself, learned a couple new tunes, got new puppies to raise, started quilting again, had a couple fun 'fights' with the Mr....just lots of stuff to do! (A grand son doesn't hurt either!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: MBSLynne
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 12:10 PM

I wish you hadn't said that! My son has just turned 16 and is talking about what Universtiy he wants to go to and, though my daughter is only 11, I've seen the yawning gap on the horizon! I was just thinking recently that all the years you immerse yourself so completely in your children, you kind of get to feeling that that's life and when you suddenly realize, as I just did, that it's finite it's a bit of a shock.

I sympathise wholeheartedly. I have a few years to go but am already dreading it and I just know I will be like you. I just feel so sorry for my Mother who lives in Australia where my sister also lives, but I live in England and my brother in America.

Love Lynne


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Nancy King
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 01:07 PM

I figure you're not an empty-nester until they get their STUFF out of your house. That usually takes many years...


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Ebbie
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 01:23 PM

I remember a friend from long ago who had five children. As one by one they left home the remaining family spread out to take advantage of new found space.

Then one by one and from time to time each 'child' returned for a period of time and the family had to regroup, the younger kids complaining of having lost their space.

As my friend said, An empty next wouldn't be so bad...


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: dianavan
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 01:29 PM

Oh, don't worry, most kids will be in and out for years.

Thats the worst part. First you adjust to them being gone and then you have to adjust to them being back home again.

Eventually the tide turns and you find yourself wanting to live closer to them - not next door but at least in the same town. You might even be lucky enough to move into their in-law suite when the baby is born.

In the meantime, get to know them as adults and pat yourself on the back for raising independent kids even when you realize that you are dependent on them for a great deal of your happiness.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: kendall
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 02:51 PM

You know you are middle aged when your house is too big and your medicine cabinet is too small.

All three of my girls are within 10 miles of me, and I love them dearly as adults, but I still miss my little girls. Ah, the stories I could tell.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 03:28 PM

Maybe you could take in foster babies or children. There is a great need. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 03:59 PM

My Beautiful Wife and I had just a taste of it in the last three months, and in the worst possible setting.

Our youngest son, Hans, is a Down's Syndrome person, 32 years old. He lives with us, and probably will until he dies or we do.

On October 24 he was admitted to a local hospital with pneumonia, which promptly turned into sepsis. Sepsis is BIG TIME scary stuff, with a 45 to 50% fatality rate. He spent a month and three days in the ICU, which must have been some sort of record. BW and I and our two older "kids", 38 and 43, manned the battlements 24/7, in shifts, for most of that time. And when we were "off duty", at home, we had the worst of empty nest. Even after we no longer had to fear for his life.

After that month plus, he spent most of a week in ordinary care at the hospital, followed by ten days in a nursing home. Hans has been at home for about four weeks now, gathering strength slowly. The doctor says he can go back to work (at his job in the laundry at the nursing home where he recuperated) on January 8.

You want to hear about the haunting pain of "empty nest" and the fear thereof?   Believe me, I can tell you.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: KT
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 04:11 PM

Part of the heartbreak, guest, is not just the emptiness, but the realization that your relationship will change. It has to and if we've done the job we set out to do in raising them, the best part of us wants it to. But when those roles first shift, it's hard.

Also, when you consider that every decision you've made in the last 18-20-some years has been with that child's best interest in mind, and now he or she is not even consulting you when making major decisions, a part of you says, "Hey, wait a minute!" yep...changing roles....

But it WILL be okay, you'll see. And as Sinsull said up there, go ahead and snivel all you need to. It's part of the mending....


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: dianavan
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 04:57 PM

Good point, KT.

When your decisions are based on 'whats best for them', you are now faced with 'whats best for me'. It takes awhile to consider your own needs and make choices accordingly.

It also takes awhile to learn how to shop and cook for yourself.

I still bring home too much food and cook for a small army.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Amos
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 05:46 PM

Hell, it's not as though that wasn't the whole idea all along! I agree the vacuum.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 06 - 06:09 PM

I have one foot in, one foot out, so to speak. My daughter is learning independence as she experiences her first year of college in a town far enough away to make moving into a dorm practical. I have a teenaged son at home, a freshman in high school. We're adjusting to having just the two of us here, and it is surprising to my daughter to sometimes meet a united front when she wants something to go back to the old way and it doesn't (she always rode in the front seat in the pickup, he in the back. No more. He's also taller, so has a stronger claim on the leg room).

Life goes on. I have a million things to do once I have the time and room and am not running kids all over and doing extra laundry and cooking, etc.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Midchuck
Date: 01 Jan 07 - 11:19 AM

We rely on music and cats, mostly.

Peter


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: GUEST,Snivelling wreck
Date: 01 Jan 07 - 06:20 PM

Thank you, all of you, for your kindly, funny and wise responses.Don't know any of you, you don't know me, but you answered me all the same, and I really appreciate it, thank you.
So glad to hear that your story has a happy ending Uncle DaveO, that must have been quite a nightmare for all of your family.

xxxxxx


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Jan 07 - 09:03 PM

Yes indeed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 07 - 12:02 AM

I meant to write, "I agree the vacuum is an experience -- like childbirth itself -- that seems harder than you could have imagined. But there are scvores and hundreds of alternative communication channels, engagements and commitments for you to put your energies in to once the kids claim their own sovereignty. This is WHY you raised them, after all -- to live their own lives. A good role model will continue to show how the next wave should be taken by rising to the channel. My MIL, 84, is a widow and keeps a medium size house up. She has hundreds of friends and belongs to numerous groups from Opera to dog rescuers. She never runs out of interest in the world and the things going on it. Start building your next phase."

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: kendall
Date: 02 Jan 07 - 12:25 PM

Guest, the cartoon came out so fuzzy I can't read the caption.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Jan 07 - 01:08 PM

You love your children. That's wonderful and precious in itself.

   Personally,I'd never tell anyone whay they should do. I'd suggest you ask yourself what you want to do. More real.

   And life goes on. I learnt that after a break-up when I thought I'd all but walked off a cliff.






       Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Oct 19 - 12:56 PM

Aargh. Terrified. One kid out of house because he's unlivable-with. Just found out other kid and girlfriend who has lived with us for years have found a house and are moving out at the end of the week. I have *never* lived alone. And they think they are taking the cat! I'm a mess.

They are renting a house! So great. I know.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Oct 19 - 12:57 PM

I meant to ask Sniveling how it turned out?


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Oct 19 - 01:56 PM

I heard my sister and a friend discussing their mutual desire for more children (both were well past childbearing age)
The friend joked "I know, we could have one between us"
My sister said "Which half do you want; the half that pees or the half that cries"
Jim carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: leeneia
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 01:11 AM

Mrrzy, kids moving out and moving on is something we all have to live with, but no law says you have to let people take your cat.

Time to unsheathe the sword of rebellion!


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: BobL
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 03:01 AM

I rather think the cat would have something to say on the matter, could it but speak.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 10:30 AM

Having pets isn't the same as having grown children in the house, but they breathe life into a place and they're usually devoted to you. When my kids come home to visit they enjoy playing with the dogs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 12:23 PM

How can I physically stop them? I have stated definitely that they aren't but I don't think they are going to Obey. I said it was cruel, to me *and* to the cat...

Thrilled to bits, though. Trying to show that instead of despair. Don't want to go through the roommate-vetting I haven't done since college but now I have an available bedroom. Ah, interesting timed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 01:42 PM

Our nest has been empty since my son was married 2 years ago. Now they have just bought their first house... large enough for one.. or both.. of US to share someday if age and wellness make it hard to maintain the empty 'nest'.

I can barely imagine the feeling of switching roles... but I'm rather glad of the option.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 02:04 PM

Scary times, Mrrzy.
There are opportunities within the crisis,
but you need to feel calm in order to find them.

Don't squash the emotions, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 19 - 02:52 PM

Times, not timed. Sorry. Hard to proofread what is hiding behind the Automatic Linebreaks/Submit line.

I try to feel my feelings, after years of therapy about not feeling them, I do.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Charmion
Date: 05 Oct 19 - 09:43 AM

Mrrzy, ask your departing kin if they would consider adopting a homeless cat and leave your cat with you!

Cats love their homes even more than humans do, and some find it very difficult to adjust to change.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Oct 19 - 10:10 AM

I thought we had an empty nest with a house too big and medicine cabinate too small. We watched our youngest go off to Nashville with his girlfriend to become a man. Imagine my surprise when he came back a woman.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Oct 19 - 01:57 PM

Charmion, I already have. And Donuel, how's your daughter?


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Oct 19 - 02:17 PM

He wears a pink fisherman's hat, traning bra and awful pink tights


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Oct 19 - 03:25 PM

She, no?


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Oct 19 - 12:03 AM

I learned at the airport that pronoun changes are not required.
His hair looks much better though.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Oct 19 - 07:34 AM

Interesting!


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Charmion
Date: 08 Oct 19 - 10:38 AM

I have a trans cousin. I learned that "Hmm, okay" was the correct response when this truth was revealed to me, and that I was wise to not react to her more extreme reactions (posted on social media) to her experiences of her new life.

I kept off her Facebook page because I did not know what to say and therefore posted nothing. It later occurred to me that it's a good thing Facebook did not exist when I was thrashing through my early years as a young soldier in the early 1970s, so my parents and older relations did not have to suffer through my more extreme reactions to those experiences.

My young cousin has calmed down a fair bit, now that life on the other side of the gender line is less new to her.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Oct 19 - 01:41 PM

Seeing things from many perspectives takes off the sharp edges.
If what he thinks feels right is being done for the wrong reasons it may be a mistake. If he thinks less will be expected from him as a female, I would consider that wrong. I only see the same personae and behavior with a different dress code.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 08 Oct 19 - 08:06 PM

As for those kids that go away and keep coming back, I heard it described tonight as "boomerang kids"! Both of mine were: daughter did a 4-year degree away from home, but then a 2-year postgrad course in our home city, so, guess what, she lived back with us again. Son was more like a yo-yo: one year away, couple of years back, another year away, back home for final uni year when flat got too expensive.....!
Now they both live in their own respective homes, but in same city as us, which is very nice!


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Oct 19 - 10:32 AM

I am seeing a lot about empty nests, but not so much about syndrome or issues with mental health surrounding being an empty nester... You guys really have lives. I am jealous. And I'm going to start learniing Italian. Gotta help, going back to school, right? Regression is a wonderful thing, and not just for statisticians.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Oct 19 - 10:58 AM

I am jealous about learning Italien.
What do you mean about regression?


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Oct 19 - 12:58 PM

I enjoy the boomerang experience. I would enjoy it more if he pursued education.


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Dorothy Parshall
Date: 09 Oct 19 - 04:52 PM

I would not think of more schooling as "regression" but as Progression! Moving on and learning is adventurous!


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Oct 19 - 05:43 PM

Multiple regression is one way of doing statiatics if both variables are continuous. But it also means going backwards in growth...


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Oct 19 - 02:44 PM

is the universe telling you to
relocate where you can find work ??


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Oct 19 - 07:59 PM

I can't hear it I can't hear it lalalalalalala


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Subject: RE: BS: Empty Nest Syndrome
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Oct 19 - 06:21 AM

The Protestant work ethic is not meant for artists
if survivql can be achieved without it.


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