BS: But God loves chimps!

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jul 09 - 02:12 AM

Not a bad idea. I bet it pays better than his present job.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Gurney
Date: 07 Jul 09 - 06:10 PM

To quote Gerald Durrell's mother, when her home was invaded by escaped zoo Chimps, "They were better behaved than many guests that I've had!" She served them tea and biscuits.

But, they were Chimps that had received the benefit of human contact.

Perhaps Chongo should become a missionary?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Jul 09 - 10:54 AM

A chimp never misses an opportunity like that.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Mr Happy
Date: 07 Jul 09 - 08:02 AM

Last weekend, 30 chimps escaped from Chester Zoo & broke into the food stores, helping themselves - such ingenuity!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/8135603.stm

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 07 - 05:20 PM

LOL!!

Larry, thank you. You have taught me a great lesson in humility. I forsake my swollen pride-in-species and will henceforth think twice about any naming rights, dominion, eating rights, extermination and hunting priveleges over any other species. This will take a great effort on my part, being deeply canalized from youth into the notion of our special nature as Man, but I will make the effort.



A

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Bill D
Date: 15 May 07 - 05:15 PM

that's the way it is

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: InOBU
Date: 15 May 07 - 02:39 PM

Will Chimp Life Get Human Rights?

By Barbara Ehrenreich, AlterNet.
Posted May 11, 2007.
http://www.alternet.org/rights/51729/

Hiasl, a 26-year old Austrian-based chimpanzee, is
petitioning the courts for human status, and let me be
the first to extend him a warm welcome to our species.

My animal rights activism has never gone beyond the
cage-free eggs' stage; it's the human possibilities
raised by Hiasl's case that caught my attention. If a
chimpanzee can be declared a person, then there's
nothing in the way of a person becoming an ape -- and
I'm not just talking about a retroactive status applied
to ex-husbands. In fact, I predict a surge in trans-
specied people, who will eagerly go over to the side of
the chimps.

The transition need not involve costly, time-consuming,
surgical arm extensions and whole-body Rogaine
treatments, since we are practically chimpanzees
already. We share 99 percent of our genome with them,
making it possible for chimps to accept human blood
transfusions and kidney donations. Despite their vocal
limitations, they communicate easily with each other
and can learn human languages. They use tools and live
in groups that display behavioral variations
attributable to what anthropologists recognize as
culture. And we may be a lot closer biologically than
Darwin ever imagined.

Last May, paleontologists reported evidence of inter-
breeding between early humans and chimps as recently as
5 million years ago, and proposed that modern humans
are the result of this ancient predilection for
bestiality.

Hiazl's motivation is economic: The animal sanctuary
where he resides has run out of funds, and, in Austria,
only a person can receive personal donations. Many
humans in this country may be similarly motivated to
seek chimp status. There are individuals who commit
crimes in order to gain access to the free food and
medical care available in a prison. How much easier and
more pleasant to have oneself declared a chimp and win
entry to the soft life of a zoo animal! Not only are
the guards friendly, but one's enclosure has been
designed with far more psychological forethought than
the average office or cubicle.

True, not all chimps have it as easy as Hiazl, who
spends most of his time watching TV. There's the danger
of being sold to a pharmaceutical company for research,
for example, but this should decline as chimps achieve
human status. We can't expect much progress on
chimpanzee rights in Bush's America, according to
Elizabeth Hess, author of the forthcoming book Nim
Chimpsky: The Chimp Who Would Be Human. But in addition
to the Austrian debate, the Spanish parliament is
considering a bill to extend "fundamental moral and
legal protections" to apes. Once apes achieve these
protections, American humans are going to want them
too. I'm thinking food, shelter, and medical/veterinary
care.

Another reason to make the human-to-ape transition is
the sex, at least if you're smart enough to declare
yourself a bonobo or pygmy chimpanzee. Bonobos, who are
genetically as close to humans as larger chimpanzees,
use sex much as we use handshakes - as a form of
greeting between individuals in any gender combination.
See an old friend, and you start rubbing genitals
together, with mutual orgasm serving as a hearty "How
ya doin', pal?" Plus, bonobo bands are female-
dominated, which should be a special enticement to
women investigating their chimpanzee transition
options.

There are is another, less selfish reason, to seek
chimpanzee status. Like me, you may be a wee bit
disappointed in our own species. Here we are - the
tool-wielding, word-spouting brainiacs of the earth --
and what have we done with our powers? We've poisoned
the world, encrusted it with our unsightly
infrastructure, and exterminated most of our fellow
earth-dwellers, from elephants and tigers to fish.

Of course, what makes humans especially obnoxious is
our tendency to believe in our absolute superiority
over all creatures. We alone, of all species, have come
up with religions and philosophies that declare us
uniquely deserving of global hegemony. Yet one by one,
our "unique" human traits have turned out to be shared:
Chimpanzees have culture; dolphins make art (in the
form of bubble patterns); female vampire bats share
food with their friends; male baboons will die to
defend their troop; rats have recently demonstrated a
capability for reflection that resembles consciousness.
We are animals, and they are us.

But just because you want, for whatever reason, to
attain the status of a chimp, don't assume that you'll
make the cut. Just as we don't know how the Austrian
court will rule in Hiasl's case, we have no reason to
believe that the chimps will have us.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 07 - 01:55 PM

Oh, Chongo, Chongo. Get your head clear, little buddy. You surely realize that if it weren't for homo sapiens there wouldn't even BE a God, don't you? I mean, it wouldn't have been possible to generate such a bizarre concatenation of externalized self-representative Infinitude without the ability of language to divorce the spirit from its own actual experience and create synthetic frameworks. Surely, you understand that, don't you? Well...maybe not. But take my word for it....


A

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: KB in Iowa
Date: 15 May 07 - 01:49 PM

an inordinate fondness for beetles

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 15 May 07 - 12:23 PM

Yeah, I see you guys are all dead from the neck up, just like I thought. What a sorry bunch of bozos. The biggest load of bull I have ever heard just came from Amos. So you think you homo sapiens are God's Chosen, do ya? That's a laugh and a half! I figger that God has just about run out of patience with you humans by now and is probably workin' up a plan to wipe you all off the face of this planet, cos you've screwed up everything you touched on it so far. Yeah, that's my theory. This planet is gonna be inherited by chimps, baby. You guys will be history.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 May 07 - 12:16 PM

You also don't see them playing banjo. Kinda cancels things out, don't it?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 07 - 11:44 AM

God does not love chimps. And he is not too fond of gorillas and he's kind of indifferent about the fate of monkeys. One by one, he has walked away from these species, turning his Gracious Attention onto his true favorite, homo sapiens. EVen though scientifically we are just a branch of the chimp world, WE know the difference. You just can't argue with God. You don't see no chimps going around naming all the birds, beasts and fishes, do ya?


A

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Big Ape Louis
Date: 15 May 07 - 10:04 AM

That's rich, Rapaire! The Boss'll like that one. Maybe Chongo's here because his head is solid bone and he tastes bad too, huh? Probably like a pile of week-old dog poop, 'cause that's what he looks like.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 May 07 - 09:45 AM

So...Chongo got lucky or had a very hard head.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 15 May 07 - 05:56 AM

Chimps Kill and Eat Chimps

O.K. - I couldn't resist the inflammatory title, but it's an MSNBC report on the article cited by Wolfgang immediately above.

John

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Wolfgang
Date: 15 May 07 - 04:14 AM

Female-led infanticide in wild chimpanzees

Current Biology, Volume 17, Issue 10, 15 May 2007, Pages R355-R356

You may not be able to see the article, so here is the main finding:

Infanticide by male chimps has been documented at all places where these animals are observed. Jane Goodall had once observed female infanticide but interpreted the incident as the attack by a pathological female. Now there is new evidence of coalitionary infanticide by females attacking females not belonging to the group (or new arrivals), taking away their newborns and killing these with a bite in the head.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Big Ape Louie
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 09:28 PM

Chongo the Chump. Listen up, Chump-boy. The Boss said to fold, spindle and mutilate you and we're gonna do just that. You stiffed him on that South Side deal and he don't like that at all, not at all. You better get it on and get it off really soon, because pretty soon you ain't gonna have the equipment to do anything more than pee -- and even that's gonna hurt.

Just a word to the wise, Chump-boy Chongo.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 07:56 PM

They're like people about that. A variety of opinions.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,My keepers Brother
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 07:51 PM

do Chimps love God?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 06:40 PM

I know you, Louie. You're nothin' but a big noise. Like somethin' ya would hear if you put yer ear to a drainpipe that's connected to one of the public toilets at the stadium durin' the World Series. And you smell that way too. Matter of fact, you're worse than the worst human, and that's sayin' a mouthful. Go crawl back up yer tree and quit ruinin' the neighborhood with yer smelly presence, you lowlife bindlestiff chump.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 03:49 PM

I'll say this for him -- he knows how to get all the action he can handle. Bonobos, man -- now THERE's a primate made fer lovin'....


A

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Feb 07 - 03:27 PM

He's shacked up with some little bonobo on the East Side.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Big Ape Louie
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 08:43 PM

Chongo Chimp. That little piece of...you know where the Boss found Chongo? Hanging in his bottom hair after he took a dump. And God might love chimps, but he sure didn't love Chongo, seeing the face He gave him. I dunno why Chongo ain't been around here much lately. Maybe the Boss finally flushed the can.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Gurney
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 06:09 PM

There was a young girl from Dundee
who was raped by a Chimpanzee.
The result was quite horrid,
all balls and no forehead,
ate peanuts, and lived in a tree.



No wonder we humans keep them in cages.


Chongo seems fairly civilised though. Is he Scottish?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Cluin
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 04:12 PM

2 more days...

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 04:10 PM

Heh! Funny you should mention that...

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Cluin
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 04:08 PM

You waiting for the full moon, Hawk?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 03:46 PM

'Sokay, LH. I got a .45 too.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 03:08 PM

(snicker! snort!) Oh, there's gonna be hell to pay around here when "the hairy one" returns.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 02:56 PM

You could be a plastic surgeon and use him in the "Before" picture.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 02:34 PM

If Gawd loves Chimps, how come he made them so damn yewgly, is what I wanna know. If I were a doctor, I'd hire Chongo to stand outside my office making people feel sick.

A

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Bee
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 02:28 PM

It's no surprise chimps are our closest relatives - we shouldda evolved from the ape ancestor who spawned the bonobos, definitely. What was Gawd thinking?!

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 02:23 PM

No but we allow dogs, whilst foxhunting, to tear a fox apart. Men kill each other for other peoples causes etc etc

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 02:19 PM

And humans kill and eat chimps.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 08:55 AM

I am not so keen on chimps since I saw the 'Trials of life' film in which a group of wild chimps trapped a monkey and ate it as they pulled it to pieces. I suppose humans can be and are as bad in many ways but we have to live with them.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 08:15 AM

Well, Ms. P., those "prurient tales" told over at "The Butcher's Arms" in Cheswick have certainly enhanced your reputation. Winnie can spin a tale, that's for certain! No one there would have thought you liked leather corsets and riding whips....

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Wolfgang
Date: 31 Jan 07 - 05:35 AM

Male coercion and the costs of promiscuous mating for female chimpanzees (New article in Proceedings of the Royal Society B)

The link may not be accessible to you, so here is a bit of the summary:

sexual coercion is the probable primary function of male aggression against females. Specifically, we show that male aggression is targeted towards the most fecund females, is associated with high male mating success and is costly for the victims.

Very humane behaviour. Beat her before making love.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:00 PM

Who's a clever boy, then?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Captain Ginger
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 03:43 PM

Well hellooo...
Ding dong!

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 03:33 PM

Gentlemen, if you think I am going to waste any more of my valuable time pandering to your prurient flights of fancy here you are entirely mistaken. Go ahead and spin your silly tales. It won't do you any good.

* PR

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 03:21 PM

I'd heard rumors that a Certain Marriage was In Trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 03:13 PM

Tsk, tsk yourself, Penny. You know you get a perverse thrill from the attentions of men of the "lower classes"! Admit it! Winston can't keep up with a hot-blooded vixen like you, can he? We know what happens after Winston passes out from too much gognac each night. We know about the surreptitious visits to low-life drinking establishments populated by unwashed men in dirty workshirts! It's there that you find true satisfaction, isn't it? The smell of sweat, beer and axle grease is really a turn-on for you, isn't it?

You may ridicule men like Tweed, but we all know you have to go change your nickers afterwards!

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 Jan 07 - 01:57 PM

I heard from an acquaintance that you were taking my name in vain again on this forum, Tweed. Tsk, tsk. Like a pesky mosquito or some other miniscule and unpleasant form of parasitic life you come back again and again to annoy your betters. Well, I suppose that is all that a parasite has to look forward to in its short and miserable life, isn't it? You fear that I am lost to you now? Ha! Ha! Oh my, that is amusing! As if we ever moved in the same circles...

* PR

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 05:55 PM

" God help the children of that union!"

It didn't hurt Ron Jeremy, did it?

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Tweed
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 04:46 PM

Yaz, I know, and I'm ashamed of myself for it. I can't leave with no forwarding address as pore Penelope would not be able to stay in touch and she is crazed enough already without adding fuel to that fire. I fear she is lost to me now though. I heard that she'd gone to Africa to study gorillas and ended up a silver-back's bitch. God help the children obv that union!

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 11:25 AM

Boy, Tweed, I'd hate to be in your shoes after making those ill-considered remarks. My advice, man, is this: take a long trip to some very remote place, and leave no forwarding address.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 11:18 AM

Ain't no bars can hold a Colobus Monkey.

We got four little thumbs, man, AND a tail.

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 04:04 AM

Hehe...

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 03:59 AM

Enough with the chimpist comments. Just remember, two of the little guys fronted Oasis for years, and no-one noticed..........

Subject: RE: BS: But God loves chimps!
From: Slag
Date: 10 Jan 07 - 03:04 AM

If Shat-ner were as highly evolved as a chimp, HE would have been the Science Officer!