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Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....

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Banjer 26 Mar 99 - 04:35 AM
Ted from Australia 26 Mar 99 - 08:09 AM
catspaw49 26 Mar 99 - 09:24 AM
26 Mar 99 - 10:01 AM
catspaw49 26 Mar 99 - 10:19 AM
Bill in Alabama 26 Mar 99 - 10:24 AM
Margo 26 Mar 99 - 10:33 AM
Steve Latimer 26 Mar 99 - 10:56 AM
Tony 26 Mar 99 - 03:01 PM
catspaw49 26 Mar 99 - 03:59 PM
Sam Pirt 26 Mar 99 - 04:48 PM
SeanM 26 Mar 99 - 05:17 PM
DonMeixner 26 Mar 99 - 06:41 PM
Banjer 26 Mar 99 - 07:10 PM
Banjer 26 Mar 99 - 07:10 PM
Banjer 26 Mar 99 - 07:12 PM
catspaw49 26 Mar 99 - 08:16 PM
SeanM 26 Mar 99 - 09:18 PM
Banjer 26 Mar 99 - 09:45 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 26 Mar 99 - 09:54 PM
26 Mar 99 - 11:00 PM
SeanM 27 Mar 99 - 12:24 AM
Banjer 27 Mar 99 - 03:32 AM
catspaw49 27 Mar 99 - 03:54 PM
Banjer 27 Mar 99 - 04:25 PM
Night Owl 27 Mar 99 - 10:15 PM
gargoyle 28 Mar 99 - 12:07 AM
Banjer 28 Mar 99 - 11:27 AM
steve in ottawa 28 Mar 99 - 02:45 PM
steve in ottawa 28 Mar 99 - 02:58 PM
gargoyle 28 Mar 99 - 06:36 PM
gargoyle 28 Mar 99 - 06:40 PM
Roger in Baltimore 28 Mar 99 - 07:46 PM
Banjer 28 Mar 99 - 09:04 PM
Banjer 28 Mar 99 - 09:06 PM
Banjer 28 Mar 99 - 09:09 PM
steve in ottawa 29 Mar 99 - 10:23 AM
Steve Latimer 29 Mar 99 - 11:37 AM
Banjer 29 Mar 99 - 06:39 PM
29 Mar 99 - 11:23 PM
Banjer 30 Mar 99 - 04:30 AM
Bill D 30 Mar 99 - 11:45 AM
Big Mick 30 Mar 99 - 12:10 PM
Night Owl 31 Mar 99 - 10:10 AM
Banjer 31 Mar 99 - 06:38 PM
Banjer 03 Apr 99 - 05:28 AM
Barbara 03 Apr 99 - 08:41 AM
Banjer 07 Apr 99 - 02:22 AM
Night Owl 07 Apr 99 - 02:43 AM
Rick Fielding 07 Apr 99 - 02:48 AM
Banjer 07 Apr 99 - 02:49 AM
bseed(charleskratz) 07 Apr 99 - 03:51 AM
bseed(charleskratz) 08 Apr 99 - 07:51 PM
Banjer 08 Apr 99 - 08:56 PM
Bert 09 Apr 99 - 02:33 PM
Banjer 10 Apr 99 - 08:18 PM
Banjer 13 Apr 99 - 09:23 PM
Barbara Shaw 13 Apr 99 - 09:47 PM
Banjer 13 Apr 99 - 10:18 PM
dwditty 10 May 99 - 02:31 PM
Banjer 16 Jun 99 - 06:28 AM
Fadac 16 Jun 99 - 10:35 AM
Bert C. 16 Jun 99 - 12:37 PM
katlaughing 16 Jun 99 - 04:12 PM
Captain Swing 16 Jun 99 - 07:53 PM
Chris Seymour 16 Jun 99 - 11:09 PM
Chris Seymour 16 Jun 99 - 11:10 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 16 Jun 99 - 11:53 PM
Chris Seymour 17 Jun 99 - 12:06 AM
Banjer 17 Jun 99 - 06:29 AM
Banjer 17 Jun 99 - 06:41 AM
annamill 17 Jun 99 - 11:10 AM
Chris Seymour 17 Jun 99 - 10:18 PM
Banjer 22 Sep 99 - 06:51 AM
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Subject: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 04:35 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Spawned by overwhelming requests, well one or two anyway,(the most recent coming from my wife when she said to me, "Don't you have something you need to be doing?) I initiate this thread of instrument related jokes with the oldie but goodie: What's the difference between a Banjo and Trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Ted from Australia
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 08:09 AM

I just tried to submit the full and complete list of banjo Jolks but the mudcat -quite rightly rejected it

Regards Ted


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:24 AM

GOOD ONE TED !!!!!!!!I'd give you a Scrugg's style fanfare, but I'm feelin' a bit "frail."

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From:
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:01 AM

It takes a real man to play one of those things. Those clawhammers are heavy. Those banjos without neck and strings are called snare drums, and you can play them with toothpicks. A lot easier.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:19 AM

So on to the classics huh?

What's the difference between a trash fire and a banjo? Yeah, that's it...Ignition Source.

What do you call 300 banjo players in a large closed room? ...A Target Rich Environment.

catspaw....c'mon folks, we're leavin' you the easy classics!!!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Bill in Alabama
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:24 AM

Catspaw-- NOI, but we've been through this (quite thoroughly) a year or so ago; perhaps that's why your not getting much of a rise from the group on this topic.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Margo
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:33 AM

What's the difference between a banjo player and a mutual fund?

The mutual fund eventually matures and makes money!

*grin*

Margie


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:56 AM

As a bad banjo player I've heard 'em all. My favourite is

What does it mean when the Banjo player is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Tony
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 03:01 PM

Bajno Tamborine on a stick.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 03:59 PM

Hey Bill, again NOI...but I didn't start the thread! But let me handle this..

Banj you incredible dumbass......You should have done a forum search first!!! Then again having two threads of Banjo jokes is a bigger joke than I've read so far!! Or is this like the "pair/pear" thing. You're sneaky and sly and NOT to be trusted. Oddly enough, I like that. My god, we may be twin sons of different mothers!!!

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Sam Pirt
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 04:48 PM

whats the difference between a bloke with a banjo walking down the street, and a rat walking down a gutter with an accordion? The rats got a booking to go to!!!

Why are banjo's lighter then accordions? So you can chuck them futher!!

Bye, Sam


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: SeanM
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 05:17 PM

Two men die and go to heaven, one a poor pauper who has begged his whole life, the other a banjo player...

At the gates, St. Peter stops them and says..."Both of you are worthy of entrance. But first, I will tell you why. The first of you has never had an easy life. Everywhere you've gone, you have fought for the slightest scraps of hope. People would not look you in the eye as they passed you on the street. Cities have turned you out. Many a day ridicule has been your only sustenance, and entire societies have derided your existance - yet you persevered, without hope, without any sign of improvement in your life. For this, you deserve to be let in. Now, on to the beggar..."

Rimshot, please...

M


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: DonMeixner
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 06:41 PM

What is perfect pitch? Get the banjo in the trash can with out hitting the sides.

Mom and son walking down the road and they find a Bowtie Mastertone lying in the ditch.

" Look Mommy, someone lost their Banjo" " People don't lose banjos son, They throw them out."

How do you get a working banjo player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

One waitress to another. "Whats the difference between an Banjo player and a canoe? "Canoes tip."

Whats the difference between a broken clock and a banjo player. The broken clock has the correct time at least twice in one day.

Don Meixner


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 07:10 PM

I love it...Catspaw, not only sons of different mothers, I bet we went to different schools together also! I take your kind comments as they were obviously intended, an admiring compliment, Thank You!! To Ted of Australia, I don't think there is such a thing as a COMPLETE list of banjo jokes, it seems that the list grows with each passing day. I have some 47 pages of banjo jokes and I am always hearing something new! I make an attempt to play a clawhammer style and hear no end of jokes. I love each and every one of them.To Bill in Alabama all I can say is that this may have been covered a year ago, but a good joke needs recycled every now and then....You of course know the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?..... One is noisy and obnoxious, the other is a bird!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 07:10 PM

I love it...Catspaw, not only sons of different mothers, I bet we went to different schools together also! I take your kind comments as they were obviously intended, an admiring compliment, Thank You!! To Ted of Australia, I don't think there is such a thing as a COMPLETE list of banjo jokes, it seems that the list grows with each passing day. I have some 47 pages of banjo jokes and I am always hearing something new! I make an attempt to play a clawhammer style and hear no end of jokes. I love each and every one of them.To Bill in Alabama all I can say is that this may have been covered a year ago, but a good joke needs recycled every now and then....You of course know the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?..... One is noisy and obnoxious, the other is a bird!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 07:12 PM

OOPS!!!!! Musta hit the sendbutton twice! Whadda ya want from me, I'm a banjo player.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 08:16 PM

Dear Don...King of the Electron Boost...

I am (against my better judgement) forced to add to your perfect pitch joke. TRULY Perfect Pitch is when you lob an accordion and it smashes iself down ON TOP of a banjo!

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: SeanM
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:18 PM

Can't... resist... one more... joke...

An old folk singer is travelling abroad, and one day wanders into a city. As he asks around for places to play, he's struck as to how everyone he talks to loves traditional music, and reveres the music more than he's ever seen. Finally, he's directed to the town square, where he's told that the 'National Treasure' will be playing. Not wanting to miss such a thing, he runs to the square. Thousands of people throng the square, surrounding a flower-bedecked platform, where a banjo player sits on a jewel-encrusted stool, wearing the finest of clothes, and playing the finest banjo the musician had ever seen. Soon, the banjo player played. It was the most beautiful sound that our musician had ever heard, perfect in tone, quality and clarity... as he looked around, he saw the entire crowd weep with joy as they listened. After a while, the player stopped, stood and bowed, and then sat down. Promptly, the crowd began pelting him with rotten vegetables and eggs. Perplexed, the musician asked one of the townspeople why they would love this man so much, only to treat him so poorly after such beautiful music. The answer he recieved was: 'This man is our national treasure. Never before, and never again will anyone play as well as he on any instrument.

But...

He IS a banjo player, after all...'

M>


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:45 PM

Man walks into a bar: "Hey bartender I got a new banjo joke for you!" "See that black belt on the wall kid? That's mine, I'm a banjo palyer and I ain't got much sense of humor. See that guy over at the table? He's my cousin. He's a banjo player and he ain't got much of a sense of humor. And this here is Bubba." The man looks over at the large, tatooed figure on the bar stool in a black leather Hell's Angel's jacket, "Bubba's a banjo player too and he doesn't take kindly to criticism. Are you sure you want to tell your banjo joke in here?" "Well not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!!!"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:54 PM

At least there's one thing banjos are good for: smashing accordions. --seed (frailin' seed, that is)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From:
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 11:00 PM

Why do banjo players have brown feet?

From stomping the s*** out of people who tell banjo jokes!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: SeanM
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 12:24 AM

Ah... an anonymous banjo player no doubt!

Have we checked inside our underwear's lining? Banjo players usually have their name there...


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 03:32 AM

You're assuming that banjo players have underwear!!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 03:54 PM

Well they do 'cause they wear them outside their pants!!!

catspaw


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 04:25 PM

Little Johnny told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be a banjo player. His mother said, Sorry son you can't have both, you can either grow up or be a banjo player!

Whatayamean....wear 'em outside my pants? Who wears pants? (In this family I do, and I have my wife's permission to say that!)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Night Owl
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 10:15 PM

Heads up y'all.....I heard a rumor today that "Camille in Cahoots", an excellent FEMALE Clawhammer Banjo Picker may be lurking in the shadows.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 12:07 AM

(Throws banjo out the window)
~Why....you've thrown my banjo out the window!!!
@It was out of tune, anyway.

~My wife used to play the banjo a lot, but since the shildren came she doesn't have time
@Children are a comfort, aren't they?

~Would you donate five dollars to bury a saxophone player?
@Here's thrity dollars, bury six of 'em.

~Don't you just love the sweet twang of banjo player?
@I'd rather hear his death rattle.

~What's the matter with the banjo player?
@He bent down to snipe a cigar butt and someone stepped on this hand and broke two fingers.....now he plays only the blue notes.

~A man offered $100 a string to me to stop playing the banjo.
@Did you stop?
~Yeah - now I'm learning to play the harp.

~Your wife just eloped with the banjo player who lives next door?
@Yes.
~You take it rather calm - you don't seem to be surprised or excited!
No, there's no reason to be. We stood the banjo clanging as long as we could. This morning the wife and I tossed to see who should get rid of him. She lost

~Your son is making good progress with his banjo. He is beginning to play quite nice tunes.
@Do you realy think so? We were afraid that we'd merely got used to it.

~I just got rid of my banjo in part exchange for a new car.
@I didn't think they accepted things like that for a car.
~Well, this case was an exception. The dealer happened to be our next door neighbor.

Before I learned to play the banjo I used to be troubled with my neighbors, but now I haven't any neighbors.

~He's a banjo player.
@How did he get that bump on his head?
~Playing a banjo
@Oh, in front of someone's house?
~No, in front of the trombone player.

~I don't think the gentleman next door know much about music.
@Why?
~Well, he told me this morning to cut my banjo open and see whas was inside it.

~I want a samll place in an isolated popsition - somewhere at least five miles from any other house.
@I see, sir - you want to practice the simple life.
~Not at all. I want to practice the banjo.

~I see you advertised your banjo for sale.
@Yes, I saw my neighbor in the hardware store yesterday buying a gun.

~These expensive banjoes are worth a thousand dollars, but I will take 50.
@There must be a string attached to it.

~Does your banjo player ....play requests?
@A lot of times
~Ask him to play pinochle.

~Why do you go over to the window and lean out whenever I play the banjo?
@I want to let the neighbors know it isn't me that is playing.

~Yes, I'm a good banjo player.
@Where did you learn to play?
I granduated from a correspondence school.
@Boy, you sure lost lots of your mail.

~I am going away to study banjo playing
@Good,.... how far away?

~I don't like that banjo player...something is wrong with him...something is missing.
@Maybe his tin cup.

~Why do you always cry when you play the banjo? @I don't know - but every time I play tears come to my eyes.
~Why not stuff cotton in your ears?

~I hear that you are a musician
@No, but I own a banjo.

~Why do you always play the same piece?
@It haunts me.
~It should, you've murdered it often enough.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 11:27 AM

Ah Gargoyle, Just when ya think ya have heard 'em all, here come some new ones!! Very good. Thay shall be added to the collection of jokes, although a couple of the could be construed, at least in my case, to be the truth....
What are the two differences between a banjo player and a terrorist?
1. You can Reason with a terrorist
2. Terrorists have sympathizers.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 02:45 PM

I didn't get a forum search hit on "tune a banjo" (a co-incidence?) so here goes...

What's the quickest way to properly tune a banjo?

Wirecutters.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 02:58 PM

For a good banjo page, do a web search under "joe bethancourt". He's currently found at www.locksley.com


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 06:36 PM

~When they tried the banjo player the judge had to let min go free.
@Why?
~The banjo player was deaf
@What has that got to do with it?
~Well, don't you know that you can't convict a man with a hearing?

~My wife says if I don't chuck the banjo, she will leave me.
@I say!!! Hard luck
~Ye-es.....I'll miss the old gal.

~My husband has practiced a little piece for the banjo
@Good....its about time we a little peace.

~Do you play and sing much?
@Only to kill time
~I must admit...you certainly have a fine weapon.

~I hear that you andyour neighbor are on the outs. What happended?
@I've been taking banjo lessons, and the other day he sent over a note with an ax attached...it said, "Try this for a finger pick."

~You say your son plays banjo like Doc Watson?
@Yes, he uses both hands.

~My son can do anything with the banjo.
@Could he lock in a closet and throw away the key?

~Your banjo playing seems a little raw.
@It shouldn't be...it has been roasted enough.

~My son's banjo lessons are a fortune to me.
@How is that?
~They allowed me to buy my neighbor's house at half price.

~Have you ever speculated on why you are so popular in your neighborhood?
@"No, except that I told my neighnbors that I always played the banjo when I got lonely."

~I'm convinced that the music publishers have a conspiracy against me.
@What makes you think so?
~Then of them have refused the same recording.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 06:40 PM

WHOOPS!! type-O's and errors....

The next ones will be typed off line on "Notepad" and edited....

I'm waiting for that chap with 400 to come forward and post.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 07:46 PM

Two banjo players walk past this bar.... Well, it could happen!

Roger in Baltimore


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 09:04 PM

Very good, I like to be able to chuckle at myself.
A banjo player runs up to a cop and says, ARREST THAT KID, HE JUST CHANGED ONE OF MY TUNING PEGS!!! The Cop replies, OH COME ON, YOU CAN FIX THAT!! Banjo player says, MAYBE, BUT HE WON'T TELL ME WHICH ONE!!

How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everybody is relieved when the case is finally closed!!!
Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 09:06 PM

Very good, I like to be able to chuckle at myself.
A banjo player runs up to a cop and says, ARREST THAT KID, HE JUST CHANGED ONE OF MY TUNING PEGS!!! The Cop replies, OH COME ON, YOU CAN FIX THAT!! Banjo player says, MAYBE, BUT HE WON'T TELL ME WHICH ONE!!

How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everybody is relieved when the case is finally closed!!!

Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 09:09 PM

Huh!!????? I guess I liked it so well the first time that i had to do it again!!
While I'm here anyway, Why do banjo players hang a miniature banjo on their rearview mirrors?

So they can park in the handicapped spot.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 10:23 AM

Try this link: http://www.echelon.ca/folkie/misc/banjokes.htm I'm changing internet suppliers at the end of the month so it'll be gone.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 11:37 AM

I like this better as an accordian joke.

What's the definition of a true Gentleman?

Someone who can play the banjo, but doesn't.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 06:39 PM

Steve T, thanks for the link, but I found it to be my source for most of my material on here. I downloaded all 47 pages of the Canoniucal List some time ago....It's a hoot....


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From:
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 11:23 PM

A man decides to take a short vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, essentially untouched Pacific island where the native culture is still intact. He has great expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really needs the time off.

So, he sets sail on his chartered ship to the island paradise. As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the sound of drums. "How quaint," he thinks, "the natives are engaging in an ancient ritual with drums. He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time, the drums are going.

After a few hours, our vacationer begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. So, he asks a native why the drums are going on so long. The native runs away screaming with a terrified look on his face. Thinking he has probably disturbed the sanctity of the native ritual by asking an intrusive question, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation.

After another two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So, he asks another native, "When are the drums going to stop?" The native just looks at him with utter horror. So, he asks again, "Why are the drums going on so long?" This native, like the first one, runs away screaming. The guy relents.

So, after another two days, the man has had it with drums. He grabs the first native he sees by the neck & demands that he make the drums stop. The native replies indignantly, "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums." The man asks him why. Slowly, and with visible pain, the native answers, "Because when the drums are over, the banjo solo starts!"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 30 Mar 99 - 04:30 AM

That last brings to mind the story of St. Peter and three new arrivals to the Pearly Gates:

Wanting to make the new arrivals feel at home St. Peter asks the first one what his IQ is, 150 was the reply. Great said St. Peter, we shpuld get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while.

He then asks the second one his IQ. 120, come the reply. Fine, fine, I'd love to take some time to discuss current world politics with you.

He then asks the third person, who tells him his IQ is 42. FANTASTIC cries St. Peter, I've been looking for years for someone to help me perform a banjo duet!!


How can you tell there is a banjo player at yur door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Mar 99 - 11:45 AM

so, there was a banjo player and an accordianist who got to talking about an article they had read about genetic manipulation, so they volunteered for an experiment to see if gene splicing could improve their musicianship...each got some genetic material from the other. Then they started to practice...and the banjo player kept trying to play "Lady of Spain", and the accordian player kept trying to frail!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Big Mick
Date: 30 Mar 99 - 12:10 PM

You see a banjo and a bodhran lying in the road, which one do you run over first? The banjo, business before pleasure.

How do you get a banjo player out of a tree? Cut the rope.

How do you get a banjo player off your porch? Pay for the Pizza.

What do you call a person who likes to hang out with musicians? A banjo player

Mick


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Night Owl
Date: 31 Mar 99 - 10:10 AM

Sending a message from banjo player "Camille in Cahoots", who is having computor problems this week. When asked to play a tune on the banjo at a music party, (I've seen it with my own eyes, she does get asked!) told a banjo joke instead. Says to say thanks for the jokes and thinks you'd appreciate the fact that NO-ONE objected to telling the joke rather than playing a tune.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 31 Mar 99 - 06:38 PM

What's the difference between banjo and a lawnmower?
The wife gets upset when the neighbors borrow the lawnmower and don't return it!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 03 Apr 99 - 05:28 AM

Whew!! Almost let this thread slide into oblivion...Aren't you all glad I snatched it from that fate, SURE YOU ARE!!! Applause not necessary, just send legal tender...

What do you get when you throw a banjo, an accordian and a bodhran off the Empire State Building?

Applause!

What should one do after running over a banjo?

Back up!

In answer to what probably more than a few of you are thinking....Which of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?

Measles-you can get rid of the measles.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Barbara
Date: 03 Apr 99 - 08:41 AM

The difference between a banjo player and a large pizza?
A large pizza feeds a family of four.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:22 AM

Definition of an optimist:
A Banjo player with a beeper!

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to a song and I say, "I think I might have written that."

Don't tell my mom I'm a banjo player. She thinks I'm a piano player in a house of ill repute!

How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony?
Give only one of them a banjo!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Night Owl
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:43 AM

Geeze...and I was beginning to think there couldn't possibly be more Banjo jokes. Do Banjo players have a list of Guitarists' jokes??


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:48 AM

MUDCAT WARNING: THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE.
Do not tell banjo jokes in front of Cathy Fink. She's heard them all and has ceased to be amused. I tried, and even though we are good friends, her stare was withering!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:49 AM

Sure do, just change the word banjo to guitar and they come out the same. I have only an estimated 243 jokes left, so this thread should die out in a while....(Started with about 271!)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 03:51 AM

We stopped for gas in this little town east of Sacramento last year--it was a real old-fashioned station: I had to pump the gas out of the underground tank by hand. My wife was listening to Mozart on the car radio and when I finished working the noisy old pump I became aware of a strange, discordant sound clashing with Eine Kleine Nachtmusick. At first I thought it it was some kind of radio interference, but when I asked my wife to turn down the radio, I realized someone was playing the banjo and sobbing. The banjo seemed to be in a modal tuning, and was making a sound even more mournful than the sobbing. I walked around the corner of the station and there was a skinny kid of about seventeen frailing away, tears streaming down his face. He looked up for a moment then returned his rheumy eyes to the ground and continued playing and sobbing. I asked him what he was so unhappy about, but he just sniffed, shook his head, and went back his whamming and sobbing. When I headed back to the car, the old man running the station had returned with my change. He saw me coming back from the side of the station and noticed my puzzled expression.

"Don't mind the boy," he said. "He'll get over it."

I was still wondering and I guess I showed it, so the man added: "It's his maw."

"Is his mother sick?" I asked, and when he just looked at me funny, I added. "Did she die?"

"Naw," he said, "she's okay."

I wanted to ask him what the boy was crying about, but I din't want to be intrusive. I looked back at the corner of the station, then back and the man.

"She's okay..." he repeated, and after a pause he added, "he's just cryin' cuz she weaned him."

--seed


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 08 Apr 99 - 07:51 PM

Not wanting to be responsible for killing another thread (and wanting to read the rest of Banjer's stash of hundreds) I decided to revive this thread. And while I'm here, I might as well add another couple of oldies--these I got from Ron Thomasson on the Dry Branch Fire Squad's "Live at Last" album:

What's the best way to tune a banjo?
@Wire cutters.

What are the first words a banjo player learns?
@"Attention, K-Mart shoppers.>"

--seed


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 08 Apr 99 - 08:56 PM

Ah, Seed, let your every wish be my command...

Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six month sto live, a man exclaimed, "But doctor, is there anything I can do?"
"I'm afraid not," said the doctor, "But there is one thing you could try..."
"What, what, I'll try anything..."
"Find yourself a homely girl that plays the banjo and move to Pittsburgh."
"Will that help me live longer?"
"No, but it will make time go by really slowly..."

How many banjo jokes are there?
Only three, the rest are true stories

Why was the banjo player staring at the orange juice?
Because it said CONCENTRATE!!

Banjo tuning is an oxymoron!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Bert
Date: 09 Apr 99 - 02:33 PM

Gotta have one of Bert's True Stories.

I had a friend who played the banjo. We tried to jam a bit, but couldn't seem to keep in tune with one another. It sounded awful! So we did some investigating and we found that the frets on his banjo were in the wrong place. And he'd been playing this thing for months!!!

Bert.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 10 Apr 99 - 08:18 PM

Very good Bert, herewith another story that for all we know could be true!

A bluegrass band convicted of International terrorism and condemned to die in a small Third World country is given one last request. The banjo player, without thinking, shouts out, "If I must die for my country, my last request is to play Foggy Mountain Breakdown one last time!" The mandolin player shouts, "Then my last request is that I get shot first!"

How can you make money as a banjo player??
Hang out your PAY or I PLAY sign!

How do you keep a banjo player from drowning in a foot of water?
Take your foot off his head!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 13 Apr 99 - 09:23 PM

...And here, back by popular demand....(well, somebody on one of the other threads asked about a banjo joke) So here goes...!!!!

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

How is lightning like a banjo?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice....


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 13 Apr 99 - 09:47 PM

Please don't anyone take this personally. NOI, etc. I'm married to a banjo player, so as a banjo wife I have a certain licence for revenge.

Why don't fiddlers ever get hemorrhoids?

Because all the a**holes are on the banjo.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 13 Apr 99 - 10:18 PM

Yes!!! Way to go Barbara. It don't take much encouragement to get me started again...

A banjo player and a guitar player both fall at the same time from a balcony in the top of a sky scraper. Which one hit the ground first?

The guitar player - the banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down!!!

Why did the banjo player walk with his kids to school everyday?
He and the kids were in the same grade...

How can you make a million bucks as a banjo player?
Start with two million!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: dwditty
Date: 10 May 99 - 02:31 PM

An accordion player and a banjo player are hired to play together on New Year's Eve. At the end of the party, the guy who hired them says, "You guys were great. You want to play for me again next New Year's Eve?" The banjo player says, "Sure. Can we leave our stuff?"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 06:28 AM

There was a request for banjo jokes so I refresh this thread.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Fadac
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 10:35 AM

Ok, here are some more:

What did the banjo playe get on his SAT? @ Drool.

What do you say to a banjo player in a suit and tie? @Will the defendant please rise.

What is the differance between a banjo and a chainsaw? @ The grip @ You can tune a chainsaw @ A chainsaw has dynamic range @ A chainsaw has a purpose

Whats the differance between a banjo and a fiddle? @ Burns longer

What is the best way to tune a banjo? @ Wire cutters @ Steam roller @ Blow torch @ Hammer @ all of the above.

Whats the differance between a banjo picker and a garbage man? @ A Paycheck

How to stop a banjo player. @ Put sheet music in front of him

-Fadac


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Bert C.
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 12:37 PM

A while back, Night Owl asked about guitarist jokes. As a confessed banjo picker, here's my favorite:

Q - Why are banjo jokes so short?

A - So guitar players can remember them.

 

Bert C.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 04:12 PM

Just read in today's newspaper that the top selling piece of sheet music, to date, is.....(ta-dum) "Dueling Banjos"!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Captain Swing
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 07:53 PM

A banjo player called Bill phoned his guitarist friend, Graham. "Hey Graham, I'm trying to do a jigsaw but I'm having real trouble. It's got hundreds of pieces and I cn't get any of them to match. There are no corners and there aren't even any straight sides." Graham says "Have you tried to match the colours up?" "All the pieces seem to be the same colour", replies the banjo player. "Well",asks Graham, "what's the picture on the box?" "It's a picture of a cockrel." answers Bill. "This is no good", says Graham, "I have to come and see this jigsaw for myself." So Graham goes round to the banjo player's house, walks into the kitchen and says " Bill for f***'s sake, put the cornflakes back in the box."


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Chris Seymour
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 11:09 PM

There are some great ones in here. I'm a banjo player, and I'm looking forward to telling some of these at my next gig. (No, it won't be New Year's Eve, and I didn't leave my stuff there...)

Here's one I heard Michael Cooney tell at the Philadelphia Folk Festival a few years ago:

A guy is browsing in an antique store and finds himself extraordinarily drawn to a brass figure of a rat standing erect.He buys the statuette and walks out with it. He sits down to examine his treasure and notices that there's a hole in the back of the head; he looks some more and sees more holes running down the front. He blows in the top hole and finds he can play it like a flute.

He plays a bit and then gets a start when he notices that a rat has emerged from a hole and is intently listening. As soon as he stops playing, the rat disappears. The guy walks away, then starts playing again--and another rat materializes.

The guy has it figured out--he keeps playing and walks out of town toward the river with a multitude of rats following him. He leads them into the river, where they all drown.

He goes back to the antique store and asks the owner: "Got any of these in the shape of a banjo player?"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Chris Seymour
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 11:10 PM

There are some great ones in here. I'm a banjo player, and I'm looking forward to telling some of these at my next gig. (No, it won't be New Year's Eve, and I didn't leave my stuff there...)

Here's one I heard Michael Cooney tell at the Philadelphia Folk Festival a few years ago:

A guy is browsing in an antique store and finds himself extraordinarily drawn to a brass figure of a rat standing erect.He buys the statuette and walks out with it. He sits down to examine his treasure and notices that there's a hole in the back of the head; he looks some more and sees more holes running down the front. He blows in the top hole and finds he can play it like a flute.

He plays a bit and then gets a start when he notices that a rat has emerged from a hole and is intently listening. As soon as he stops playing, the rat disappears. The guy walks away, then starts playing again--and another rat materializes.

The guy has it figured out--he keeps playing and walks out of town toward the river with a multitude of rats following him. He leads them into the river, where they all drown.

He goes back to the antique store and asks the owner: "Got any of these in the shape of a banjo player?"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 16 Jun 99 - 11:53 PM

Gee, Chris, do you think that would work with Catspaw's possum ocarina? --seed


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Chris Seymour
Date: 17 Jun 99 - 12:06 AM

Seed, I just re-read this whole thread (again) and missed the possum ocarina (I tried a forum search, but it doesn't seem to be working for me at the moment.) My eyes must be tired -- sorry if I posted redundantly and repetitively.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 17 Jun 99 - 06:29 AM

Chris, never apologize for redundancy or repetetiveness, for those are the true marks of a banjo player. I know, cause I am one also!!

Chris, never apologize for redundancy or repetetiveness, for those are the true marks of a banjo player. I know, cause I am one also!!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 17 Jun 99 - 06:41 AM

One more time I shall attempt one of these damn Blue Clicky Thingies. Chris try here for an understanding of Seeds reference to the Possum Ocarina. Obviously you are new on the Mudcat, because this possum thing has been going on for quite some time. There are even links to pictures of it. Cute little thing it is too!

Try clicking here


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: annamill
Date: 17 Jun 99 - 11:10 AM

Yesterday I copied this whole thread and sent it off to my honey Glenns brother who is quite a proficient(?) banjo player, amongst other instruments, and will love them. He lives in Maine. I sent them via e-mail. Maybe this will convince him to join us. He's great.

Love, Anna


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Chris Seymour
Date: 17 Jun 99 - 10:18 PM

Thanks for the clicky thing, Banjer -- now I get it. And Seed, I misinterpreted your reference. I thought you were chastising me because I had posted a joke that was already on the threaed, rather than referring to an existing joke.

Yup, I'm new, but learning.

cheers.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 22 Sep 99 - 06:51 AM

Due to the hundreds of requests, well one anyway for sure, I refeesh this so Poet can chuckle along with us.


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