Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....

Subject: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 04:35 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Spawned by overwhelming requests, well one or two anyway,(the most recent coming from my wife when she said to me, "Don't you have something you need to be doing?) I initiate this thread of instrument related jokes with the oldie but goodie: What's the difference between a Banjo and Trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Ted from Australia
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 08:09 AM

I just tried to submit the full and complete list of banjo Jolks but the mudcat -quite rightly rejected it

Regards Ted

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:24 AM

GOOD ONE TED !!!!!!!!I'd give you a Scrugg's style fanfare, but I'm feelin' a bit "frail."

catspaw

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From:
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:01 AM

It takes a real man to play one of those things. Those clawhammers are heavy. Those banjos without neck and strings are called snare drums, and you can play them with toothpicks. A lot easier.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:19 AM

So on to the classics huh?

What's the difference between a trash fire and a banjo? Yeah, that's it...Ignition Source.

What do you call 300 banjo players in a large closed room? ...A Target Rich Environment.

catspaw....c'mon folks, we're leavin' you the easy classics!!!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Bill in Alabama
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:24 AM

Catspaw-- NOI, but we've been through this (quite thoroughly) a year or so ago; perhaps that's why your not getting much of a rise from the group on this topic.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Margo
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:33 AM

What's the difference between a banjo player and a mutual fund?

The mutual fund eventually matures and makes money!

*grin*

Margie

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 10:56 AM

As a bad banjo player I've heard 'em all. My favourite is

What does it mean when the Banjo player is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Tony
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 03:01 PM

Bajno Tamborine on a stick.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 03:59 PM

Hey Bill, again NOI...but I didn't start the thread! But let me handle this..

Banj you incredible dumbass......You should have done a forum search first!!! Then again having two threads of Banjo jokes is a bigger joke than I've read so far!! Or is this like the "pair/pear" thing. You're sneaky and sly and NOT to be trusted. Oddly enough, I like that. My god, we may be twin sons of different mothers!!!

catspaw

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Sam Pirt
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 04:48 PM

whats the difference between a bloke with a banjo walking down the street, and a rat walking down a gutter with an accordion? The rats got a booking to go to!!!

Why are banjo's lighter then accordions? So you can chuck them futher!!

Bye, Sam

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: SeanM
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 05:17 PM

Two men die and go to heaven, one a poor pauper who has begged his whole life, the other a banjo player...

At the gates, St. Peter stops them and says..."Both of you are worthy of entrance. But first, I will tell you why. The first of you has never had an easy life. Everywhere you've gone, you have fought for the slightest scraps of hope. People would not look you in the eye as they passed you on the street. Cities have turned you out. Many a day ridicule has been your only sustenance, and entire societies have derided your existance - yet you persevered, without hope, without any sign of improvement in your life. For this, you deserve to be let in. Now, on to the beggar..."

Rimshot, please...

M

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: DonMeixner
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 06:41 PM

What is perfect pitch? Get the banjo in the trash can with out hitting the sides.

Mom and son walking down the road and they find a Bowtie Mastertone lying in the ditch.

" Look Mommy, someone lost their Banjo" " People don't lose banjos son, They throw them out."

How do you get a working banjo player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

One waitress to another. "Whats the difference between an Banjo player and a canoe? "Canoes tip."

Whats the difference between a broken clock and a banjo player. The broken clock has the correct time at least twice in one day.

Don Meixner

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 07:10 PM

I love it...Catspaw, not only sons of different mothers, I bet we went to different schools together also! I take your kind comments as they were obviously intended, an admiring compliment, Thank You!! To Ted of Australia, I don't think there is such a thing as a COMPLETE list of banjo jokes, it seems that the list grows with each passing day. I have some 47 pages of banjo jokes and I am always hearing something new! I make an attempt to play a clawhammer style and hear no end of jokes. I love each and every one of them.To Bill in Alabama all I can say is that this may have been covered a year ago, but a good joke needs recycled every now and then....You of course know the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?..... One is noisy and obnoxious, the other is a bird!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 07:10 PM

I love it...Catspaw, not only sons of different mothers, I bet we went to different schools together also! I take your kind comments as they were obviously intended, an admiring compliment, Thank You!! To Ted of Australia, I don't think there is such a thing as a COMPLETE list of banjo jokes, it seems that the list grows with each passing day. I have some 47 pages of banjo jokes and I am always hearing something new! I make an attempt to play a clawhammer style and hear no end of jokes. I love each and every one of them.To Bill in Alabama all I can say is that this may have been covered a year ago, but a good joke needs recycled every now and then....You of course know the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?..... One is noisy and obnoxious, the other is a bird!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 07:12 PM

OOPS!!!!! Musta hit the sendbutton twice! Whadda ya want from me, I'm a banjo player.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 08:16 PM

Dear Don...King of the Electron Boost...

I am (against my better judgement) forced to add to your perfect pitch joke. TRULY Perfect Pitch is when you lob an accordion and it smashes iself down ON TOP of a banjo!

catspaw

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: SeanM
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:18 PM

Can't... resist... one more... joke...

An old folk singer is travelling abroad, and one day wanders into a city. As he asks around for places to play, he's struck as to how everyone he talks to loves traditional music, and reveres the music more than he's ever seen. Finally, he's directed to the town square, where he's told that the 'National Treasure' will be playing. Not wanting to miss such a thing, he runs to the square. Thousands of people throng the square, surrounding a flower-bedecked platform, where a banjo player sits on a jewel-encrusted stool, wearing the finest of clothes, and playing the finest banjo the musician had ever seen. Soon, the banjo player played. It was the most beautiful sound that our musician had ever heard, perfect in tone, quality and clarity... as he looked around, he saw the entire crowd weep with joy as they listened. After a while, the player stopped, stood and bowed, and then sat down. Promptly, the crowd began pelting him with rotten vegetables and eggs. Perplexed, the musician asked one of the townspeople why they would love this man so much, only to treat him so poorly after such beautiful music. The answer he recieved was: 'This man is our national treasure. Never before, and never again will anyone play as well as he on any instrument.

But...

He IS a banjo player, after all...'

M>

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:45 PM

Man walks into a bar: "Hey bartender I got a new banjo joke for you!" "See that black belt on the wall kid? That's mine, I'm a banjo palyer and I ain't got much sense of humor. See that guy over at the table? He's my cousin. He's a banjo player and he ain't got much of a sense of humor. And this here is Bubba." The man looks over at the large, tatooed figure on the bar stool in a black leather Hell's Angel's jacket, "Bubba's a banjo player too and he doesn't take kindly to criticism. Are you sure you want to tell your banjo joke in here?" "Well not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!!!"

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 09:54 PM

At least there's one thing banjos are good for: smashing accordions. --seed (frailin' seed, that is)

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From:
Date: 26 Mar 99 - 11:00 PM

Why do banjo players have brown feet?

From stomping the s*** out of people who tell banjo jokes!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: SeanM
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 12:24 AM

Ah... an anonymous banjo player no doubt!

Have we checked inside our underwear's lining? Banjo players usually have their name there...

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 03:32 AM

You're assuming that banjo players have underwear!!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 03:54 PM

Well they do 'cause they wear them outside their pants!!!

catspaw

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 04:25 PM

Little Johnny told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be a banjo player. His mother said, Sorry son you can't have both, you can either grow up or be a banjo player!

Whatayamean....wear 'em outside my pants? Who wears pants? (In this family I do, and I have my wife's permission to say that!)

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Night Owl
Date: 27 Mar 99 - 10:15 PM

Heads up y'all.....I heard a rumor today that "Camille in Cahoots", an excellent FEMALE Clawhammer Banjo Picker may be lurking in the shadows.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 12:07 AM

(Throws banjo out the window)
~Why....you've thrown my banjo out the window!!!
@It was out of tune, anyway.

~My wife used to play the banjo a lot, but since the shildren came she doesn't have time
@Children are a comfort, aren't they?

~Would you donate five dollars to bury a saxophone player?
@Here's thrity dollars, bury six of 'em.

~Don't you just love the sweet twang of banjo player?
@I'd rather hear his death rattle.

~What's the matter with the banjo player?
@He bent down to snipe a cigar butt and someone stepped on this hand and broke two fingers.....now he plays only the blue notes.

~A man offered $100 a string to me to stop playing the banjo.
@Did you stop?
~Yeah - now I'm learning to play the harp.

~Your wife just eloped with the banjo player who lives next door?
@Yes.
~You take it rather calm - you don't seem to be surprised or excited!
No, there's no reason to be. We stood the banjo clanging as long as we could. This morning the wife and I tossed to see who should get rid of him. She lost

~Your son is making good progress with his banjo. He is beginning to play quite nice tunes.
@Do you realy think so? We were afraid that we'd merely got used to it.

~I just got rid of my banjo in part exchange for a new car.
@I didn't think they accepted things like that for a car.
~Well, this case was an exception. The dealer happened to be our next door neighbor.

Before I learned to play the banjo I used to be troubled with my neighbors, but now I haven't any neighbors.

~He's a banjo player.
@How did he get that bump on his head?
~Playing a banjo
@Oh, in front of someone's house?
~No, in front of the trombone player.

~I don't think the gentleman next door know much about music.
@Why?
~Well, he told me this morning to cut my banjo open and see whas was inside it.

~I want a samll place in an isolated popsition - somewhere at least five miles from any other house.
@I see, sir - you want to practice the simple life.
~Not at all. I want to practice the banjo.

~I see you advertised your banjo for sale.
@Yes, I saw my neighbor in the hardware store yesterday buying a gun.

~These expensive banjoes are worth a thousand dollars, but I will take 50.
@There must be a string attached to it.

~Does your banjo player ....play requests?
@A lot of times
~Ask him to play pinochle.

~Why do you go over to the window and lean out whenever I play the banjo?
@I want to let the neighbors know it isn't me that is playing.

~Yes, I'm a good banjo player.
@Where did you learn to play?
I granduated from a correspondence school.
@Boy, you sure lost lots of your mail.

~I am going away to study banjo playing
@Good,.... how far away?

~I don't like that banjo player...something is wrong with him...something is missing.
@Maybe his tin cup.

~Why do you always cry when you play the banjo? @I don't know - but every time I play tears come to my eyes.
~Why not stuff cotton in your ears?

~I hear that you are a musician
@No, but I own a banjo.

~Why do you always play the same piece?
@It haunts me.
~It should, you've murdered it often enough.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 11:27 AM

Ah Gargoyle, Just when ya think ya have heard 'em all, here come some new ones!! Very good. Thay shall be added to the collection of jokes, although a couple of the could be construed, at least in my case, to be the truth....
What are the two differences between a banjo player and a terrorist?
1. You can Reason with a terrorist
2. Terrorists have sympathizers.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 02:45 PM

I didn't get a forum search hit on "tune a banjo" (a co-incidence?) so here goes...

What's the quickest way to properly tune a banjo?

Wirecutters.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 02:58 PM

For a good banjo page, do a web search under "joe bethancourt". He's currently found at www.locksley.com

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 06:36 PM

~When they tried the banjo player the judge had to let min go free.
@Why?
~The banjo player was deaf
@What has that got to do with it?
~Well, don't you know that you can't convict a man with a hearing?

~My wife says if I don't chuck the banjo, she will leave me.
@I say!!! Hard luck
~Ye-es.....I'll miss the old gal.

~My husband has practiced a little piece for the banjo
@Good....its about time we a little peace.

~Do you play and sing much?
@Only to kill time
~I must admit...you certainly have a fine weapon.

~I hear that you andyour neighbor are on the outs. What happended?
@I've been taking banjo lessons, and the other day he sent over a note with an ax attached...it said, "Try this for a finger pick."

~You say your son plays banjo like Doc Watson?
@Yes, he uses both hands.

~My son can do anything with the banjo.
@Could he lock in a closet and throw away the key?

~Your banjo playing seems a little raw.
@It shouldn't be...it has been roasted enough.

~My son's banjo lessons are a fortune to me.
@How is that?
~They allowed me to buy my neighbor's house at half price.

~Have you ever speculated on why you are so popular in your neighborhood?
@"No, except that I told my neighnbors that I always played the banjo when I got lonely."

~I'm convinced that the music publishers have a conspiracy against me.
@What makes you think so?
~Then of them have refused the same recording.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 06:40 PM

WHOOPS!! type-O's and errors....

The next ones will be typed off line on "Notepad" and edited....

I'm waiting for that chap with 400 to come forward and post.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 07:46 PM

Two banjo players walk past this bar.... Well, it could happen!

Roger in Baltimore

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 09:04 PM

Very good, I like to be able to chuckle at myself.
A banjo player runs up to a cop and says, ARREST THAT KID, HE JUST CHANGED ONE OF MY TUNING PEGS!!! The Cop replies, OH COME ON, YOU CAN FIX THAT!! Banjo player says, MAYBE, BUT HE WON'T TELL ME WHICH ONE!!

How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everybody is relieved when the case is finally closed!!!
Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 09:06 PM

Very good, I like to be able to chuckle at myself.
A banjo player runs up to a cop and says, ARREST THAT KID, HE JUST CHANGED ONE OF MY TUNING PEGS!!! The Cop replies, OH COME ON, YOU CAN FIX THAT!! Banjo player says, MAYBE, BUT HE WON'T TELL ME WHICH ONE!!

How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everybody is relieved when the case is finally closed!!!

Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Mar 99 - 09:09 PM

Huh!!????? I guess I liked it so well the first time that i had to do it again!!
While I'm here anyway, Why do banjo players hang a miniature banjo on their rearview mirrors?

So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 10:23 AM

Try this link: http://www.echelon.ca/folkie/misc/banjokes.htm I'm changing internet suppliers at the end of the month so it'll be gone.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 11:37 AM

I like this better as an accordian joke.

What's the definition of a true Gentleman?

Someone who can play the banjo, but doesn't.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 06:39 PM

Steve T, thanks for the link, but I found it to be my source for most of my material on here. I downloaded all 47 pages of the Canoniucal List some time ago....It's a hoot....

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From:
Date: 29 Mar 99 - 11:23 PM

A man decides to take a short vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, essentially untouched Pacific island where the native culture is still intact. He has great expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really needs the time off.

So, he sets sail on his chartered ship to the island paradise. As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the sound of drums. "How quaint," he thinks, "the natives are engaging in an ancient ritual with drums. He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time, the drums are going.

After a few hours, our vacationer begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. So, he asks a native why the drums are going on so long. The native runs away screaming with a terrified look on his face. Thinking he has probably disturbed the sanctity of the native ritual by asking an intrusive question, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation.

After another two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So, he asks another native, "When are the drums going to stop?" The native just looks at him with utter horror. So, he asks again, "Why are the drums going on so long?" This native, like the first one, runs away screaming. The guy relents.

So, after another two days, the man has had it with drums. He grabs the first native he sees by the neck & demands that he make the drums stop. The native replies indignantly, "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums." The man asks him why. Slowly, and with visible pain, the native answers, "Because when the drums are over, the banjo solo starts!"

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 30 Mar 99 - 04:30 AM

That last brings to mind the story of St. Peter and three new arrivals to the Pearly Gates:

Wanting to make the new arrivals feel at home St. Peter asks the first one what his IQ is, 150 was the reply. Great said St. Peter, we shpuld get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while.

He then asks the second one his IQ. 120, come the reply. Fine, fine, I'd love to take some time to discuss current world politics with you.

He then asks the third person, who tells him his IQ is 42. FANTASTIC cries St. Peter, I've been looking for years for someone to help me perform a banjo duet!!


How can you tell there is a banjo player at yur door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Mar 99 - 11:45 AM

so, there was a banjo player and an accordianist who got to talking about an article they had read about genetic manipulation, so they volunteered for an experiment to see if gene splicing could improve their musicianship...each got some genetic material from the other. Then they started to practice...and the banjo player kept trying to play "Lady of Spain", and the accordian player kept trying to frail!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Big Mick
Date: 30 Mar 99 - 12:10 PM

You see a banjo and a bodhran lying in the road, which one do you run over first? The banjo, business before pleasure.

How do you get a banjo player out of a tree? Cut the rope.

How do you get a banjo player off your porch? Pay for the Pizza.

What do you call a person who likes to hang out with musicians? A banjo player

Mick

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Night Owl
Date: 31 Mar 99 - 10:10 AM

Sending a message from banjo player "Camille in Cahoots", who is having computor problems this week. When asked to play a tune on the banjo at a music party, (I've seen it with my own eyes, she does get asked!) told a banjo joke instead. Says to say thanks for the jokes and thinks you'd appreciate the fact that NO-ONE objected to telling the joke rather than playing a tune.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 31 Mar 99 - 06:38 PM

What's the difference between banjo and a lawnmower?
The wife gets upset when the neighbors borrow the lawnmower and don't return it!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 03 Apr 99 - 05:28 AM

Whew!! Almost let this thread slide into oblivion...Aren't you all glad I snatched it from that fate, SURE YOU ARE!!! Applause not necessary, just send legal tender...

What do you get when you throw a banjo, an accordian and a bodhran off the Empire State Building?

Applause!

What should one do after running over a banjo?

Back up!

In answer to what probably more than a few of you are thinking....Which of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?

Measles-you can get rid of the measles.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Barbara
Date: 03 Apr 99 - 08:41 AM

The difference between a banjo player and a large pizza?
A large pizza feeds a family of four.

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Banjer
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:22 AM

Definition of an optimist:
A Banjo player with a beeper!

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to a song and I say, "I think I might have written that."

Don't tell my mom I'm a banjo player. She thinks I'm a piano player in a house of ill repute!

How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony?
Give only one of them a banjo!

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Night Owl
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:43 AM

Geeze...and I was beginning to think there couldn't possibly be more Banjo jokes. Do Banjo players have a list of Guitarists' jokes??

Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes, let the dueling begin....
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 07 Apr 99 - 02:48 AM

MUDCAT WARNING: THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE.
Do not tell banjo jokes in front of Cathy Fink. She's heard them all and has ceased to be amused. I tried, and even though we are good friends, her stare was withering!