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25 May 07 - 07:44 AM (#2060556) Subject: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'It's time to continue the rather bulky Second Joke Thread for 2007 here. |
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25 May 07 - 07:57 AM (#2060561) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO I'll have to submit a Jike later today. Dave Oesterreich |
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25 May 07 - 08:24 AM (#2060573) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: JennyO I'd submit a jike if I had one. Is it anything like a bike? |
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25 May 07 - 08:45 AM (#2060585) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Dave Hanson Are you jiking ? eric |
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25 May 07 - 08:55 AM (#2060592) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: fat B****rd 'ere, wot abaht Jike The Peg ? |
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25 May 07 - 08:57 AM (#2060593) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: John MacKenzie Yikes ! |
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25 May 07 - 09:04 AM (#2060597) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver In the sixties I had an Austin Mini Moke with an open top of course...would it now be known as an 'open Mike'? |
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25 May 07 - 09:29 AM (#2060611) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: redsnapper Australian jokes only? |
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25 May 07 - 09:34 AM (#2060615) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: beardedbruce http://research.yale.edu/cgi-bin/swahili/main.cgi?right_frame_src=http%3A//research.yale.edu/cgi-bin/swahili/lookup.cgi%3FWord%3 ng'ombe jike (or gombe jike), pl ng'ombe jike (or magombe jike) { English: cow (female) , pl cows } [Terminology: agriculture] noun 9/10an, - [ edit entry ] [ photos: upload ] [see also: jike] Swahili Definition: jike la mnyama jamii ya nyati anayefugwa na hutumiwa kupata sana sana maziwa na pia nyama, ngozi, na kwato zake hutumiwa kutengeneza gundi jike , pl majike { English: female (animal) , pl females } [derived: -ke adj] noun 5/6an, - [ edit entry ] [ photos: upload ] |
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25 May 07 - 09:46 AM (#2060625) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Whu naads a thord jike throud onywoy? |
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25 May 07 - 09:47 AM (#2060626) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie By heck! Aah hope the humour's ganna improve before lang! A divvent get that last one - is it in some strange Durham dialect? It's certainly not Geordie! |
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25 May 07 - 10:05 AM (#2060650) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Jim Lad Just had to come in for a wee lik! |
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25 May 07 - 10:32 AM (#2060681) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Dave Hanson It's probably some soft southerners accent Geordie-Porgie. eric |
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25 May 07 - 11:03 AM (#2060699) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Jim Lad Girdie Pirgie? |
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25 May 07 - 11:07 AM (#2060704) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Jawdee Pawgee....now does that sound Geordie or what? |
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26 May 07 - 02:27 AM (#2061188) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Dave Hanson No. eric |
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26 May 07 - 11:14 AM (#2061324) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO To get back to the intent of the thread (all jiking aside), here's one: ---- Can cold water clean dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of SW Alberta. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!" |
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26 May 07 - 11:23 AM (#2061332) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with Holy Scripture, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Roman Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children they have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in. 1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears. 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles. 7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. 9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels. 22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
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26 May 07 - 11:38 AM (#2061338) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: JennyO Okay, that one is probably all over the internet, but I hadn't heard it before. Uncle DaveO, you owe me a new keyboard (she said, mopping up the sprayed tea). |
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26 May 07 - 12:02 PM (#2061349) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Okay, here's another: (actually, two-for-the-price of one blonde jokes) "Experience" "Miss Johnson. I see under 'Experience' you only have clerical type work listed," said the executive. "Why exactly do you feel you're qualified to manage a department store such as ours?" "Easy..." the pert little blonde replied. "At least twice a week, my former boss would call me into his private office and give me the business." ----- "Hysterical Blonde" A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically again. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" "No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died, too!" |
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26 May 07 - 04:57 PM (#2061476) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Bill D An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The Scotsman dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better. So the Scotsman did. The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." |
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26 May 07 - 05:06 PM (#2061480) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Bill D The factory shipping manager discovered a box on the loading dock labelled, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!" Management was called in, all employees were ordered to stay clear of the box, and the bomb squad was summoned. A bomb technician arrived, donned his heavy gloves, helmet, and safety gear, walked onto the loading dock and then very carefully opened the carton. Inside were 250 signs reading, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!" |
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29 May 07 - 03:32 AM (#2062899) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum ih shot! - is a there a cimpassoinate cline whi can change the totle? |
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29 May 07 - 09:06 AM (#2063072) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: JennyO Heh heh - dod yiu inly just nitoce the mostake, Wolfroed? Why din't yiu PM Jie Iffer? |
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29 May 07 - 12:49 PM (#2063231) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Becca72 A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" "Yes I am," replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" |
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29 May 07 - 01:22 PM (#2063264) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Bee-dubya-ell After his thirtieth birthday celebration, the son of a wealthy oil sheik was summoned before his father and told it was time for him to quit his playboy ways and take a wife. The son told the sheik that he had been dating three women, each of whom he was equally fond, and that choosing between them would be difficult. So, the shiek devised a little test. The son was told to give $10,000 to each of the three women and make his decision based upon how wisely the money was spent. The first woman spent the entire $10,000 on gifts for herself. The second spent all the money on gifts for the sheik's son. The third spend half on the sheik's son and half on herself. The question is "Which one did he marry?" Answer: The one with the biggest breasts, of course. |
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29 May 07 - 02:33 PM (#2063347) Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007 From: Rog Peek Be-Dubya-ell That jike reminds me of another which warns against jumping to conclusions: Teacher in a class of primary school children posed them a problem: "There are three crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one of them, how many crows are left?" Johnny put up his hand. "Yes Johnny." said the teacher. "Two Miss" Johnny replied. " Well actually Johnny, the gun shot would have frightened the other two crows away, so there wouldn't be any left at all, but, "she said, "I can see where you're coming from!" Later that day, Johnny met the teacher in the corridor. "Can I ask you a question Miss"? "Yes" she said, "of course you can." "Well" he said, "There are three ladies walking down the road, each holding a lolly pop. Two of the ladies are licking their lolly, and one is sucking hers, which one of the three is married?" he asked. The teacher became a little embarrassed, "I suppose it's the one sucking her lolly" she whispered. "No" Johnny replied, "It's the one with the wedding ring, but," he retorted with glee, "I can see where you're coming from!" |
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31 May 07 - 07:34 AM (#2064781) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Mistake corrected, Wilfried - but I kinda liked "jike." [grin] -Joe- Thanks, Joe |
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31 May 07 - 08:29 AM (#2064811) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum An old joke, when Austria was a great empire ... One Englishman - a gentleman two Englishmen - a club three Englishmen - a Commonwealth one Frenchman - a charmer two Frenchmen - a love affair three Frenchmen - a marriage one German - a pedant two Germans - an association three Germans - a war one Austrian - a cavalier two Austrians - a sloppiness three Austrians - there are no three Austrians; the third always is either a Hungarian, Czech or Jew |
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31 May 07 - 10:14 AM (#2064894) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: JennyO Aww - wot a shame. No more jikes. I was getting sorta fond of them! |
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31 May 07 - 10:24 AM (#2064902) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Walrus Wilfred, Your 1,2,3 piece reminded me of a comment I once heard about the Welsh.. If you left a Welsman alone on a desert island with enough tools and materials, when you came back, aong the buildings there would be two chapels, the one he uses and one he wouldn't go to if you paid him! |
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31 May 07 - 01:57 PM (#2065078) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy A Hungarian is someone who can go in a revolving door behind you and come out ahead... Everybody used to know that one. |
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31 May 07 - 10:05 PM (#2065412) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Amos Cows The Constitution The Ten Commandments Cows Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to, their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. The Constitution They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. The Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. |
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03 Jun 07 - 02:34 PM (#2067425) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST "Sunday Clothes" A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. "Hello," said the little boy. "Hi," replied the little girl. "Where are you going?" asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl. "Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church." "Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy. "I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. A bit later, they came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl. "My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy. "I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across." "That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked: "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and Methodist." |
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04 Jun 07 - 08:29 AM (#2068052) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO "How Dumb Can You Be?" Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense", said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. |
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05 Jun 07 - 08:26 AM (#2068992) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied, "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling? "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a hoot?" |
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05 Jun 07 - 08:35 AM (#2069005) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: John MacKenzie I was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw 4 pall bearers carrying a coffin. 3 Hours later I was passing the cemetery again and the same 4 pall bearers were walking around, with what looked like the same coffin. I thought to myself, 'Those guys have totally lost the plot' G. |
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05 Jun 07 - 12:32 PM (#2069201) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Walrus Giok, OUCH ! W |
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05 Jun 07 - 11:00 PM (#2069676) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: dick greenhaus The 1-2-3 joke I heard way back when was about Russians. 1 Russian = a gentleman 2 Russians = a Party 3 Russians = a schism 4 Russians = The Budapest String Quartet |
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06 Jun 07 - 06:05 AM (#2069819) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Splott Man Forgive me if this has already gone in: 1 Welshman = a gentleman 2 Welshmen = a committee 3 Welshmen = a choir |
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06 Jun 07 - 08:53 AM (#2069907) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum And now something totally different: When Cicero saw his son-in-law, a very short man, girded with a very long sword he exclaimed: "Who tied my son-in-law to the sword?" |
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06 Jun 07 - 11:42 AM (#2070006) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Schantieman All these Europeans remind me of a saying my late ex-father-in-law (work that one out!) told me about regarding getting boys to help with a job: One boy be a boy; two boys be half a boy and three boys be no boy at all. Steve |
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08 Jun 07 - 12:28 PM (#2071522) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy Under the category of Don't Mess With Old Folks: George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" And another: An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." And, from a different department: A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." |
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08 Jun 07 - 11:04 PM (#2071912) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mickey191 3 GREAT ONES!! THANKS |
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09 Jun 07 - 10:31 PM (#2072572) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Ythanside Big Issue seller, standing in the rain at street corner. Bentley pulls up at the lights. BI seller steps forward and knocks on window, and when it opens he says to the driver 'Sorry to touble you but I'm flat broke. I've sold nothing today and I'm soaked through and frozen. Could you lend me 50p for a cup of tea?' Driver removes cigar from his mouth and sneers 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be. William Shakespear.' Lights change and Bentley moves off. BI seller stares for a moment then starts running, catching up with the Bentley at the next lights. He bangs on the window. When the startled driver opens it the seller shouts 'C*nt! D H Lawrence!' |
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10 Jun 07 - 12:51 AM (#2072629) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: katlaughing Just read this at a pastor's online spot: An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ' choose life' license plate holder, the ' what would Jesus do' bumper sticker, the ' follow me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." |
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11 Jun 07 - 11:16 PM (#2074342) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: katlaughing Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are some winners: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (I think #14 is my fav!) |
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12 Jun 07 - 12:58 AM (#2074398) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bert I like 23. |
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12 Jun 07 - 01:55 AM (#2074411) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum My favourite is #4. Thats's love! |
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12 Jun 07 - 03:46 AM (#2074450) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Walrus One or two (No. 9, for example) are lifted from elsewhere, but one or two those work well (for me, at least). No.s 17 & 21 have a very Detective Fiction/Film Noir feel (imagine the lines spoken by a 'Sam Spade' or 'Mike Hammer' character). I fing 19 & 20 worth noting and No. 6 is actually quite a nict illustration (if put in the right context) Thanks kat. Walrus |
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12 Jun 07 - 09:43 AM (#2074705) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Larkin Two old guys were sitting in the pub chewing the fat - one says I've got a new job working in the toilets at Piccadilly - His mate asks how's it going . Horrible says the first bloke - it's full of men cottaging = there's condoms everywhere and then there's the junkies leaving their needles everywhere - Do you know, a bloke came in last week for a shit - it was like a breath of fresh air! |
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12 Jun 07 - 12:11 PM (#2074862) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Schantieman No. 6. Definitely. S |
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12 Jun 07 - 01:06 PM (#2074915) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Ythanside Kat, that list is as brilliant as a headlight or a torch or a star that is as brilliant as another list like that one, or like, whatever. Got any more? |
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13 Jun 07 - 07:26 AM (#2075606) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!" |
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13 Jun 07 - 01:18 PM (#2075976) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Geordie-Peorgie (Sans Cookie) Hello, is this the RCMP?" [RCMP = Royal Canadian Mounted Police] "Yes. How may I help you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He's hiding drugs inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the RCMP SWAT team officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no drugs. They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and then they left. The next day, the phone rang at Mike's house... "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, buddy." |
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13 Jun 07 - 05:28 PM (#2076181) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie If Isla St Clair married Barry White Divorced him and married Brian Ferry She'd be......... Isla White-Ferry |
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13 Jun 07 - 05:47 PM (#2076192) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: katlaughing LOL...glad you folks enjoyed those! I don't have any more of those kind, but like a bad penny that keeps turning up like the fresh dirt on Dracula's grave, but only when the sun goes down like baaaaad Penny in the red light district, I do have another funny (apologies if it's a duplicate): Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooo? (I told him) It's been a year." There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore. |
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14 Jun 07 - 12:28 PM (#2076974) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Becca72 It's Halloween and all the little boys and girls go to school in their costumes. Little Johnny is dressed up like a pirate. His teacher says "Oh, look. Little Johnny is the pirate king! Where are your buccaneers?" Johnny says, "under my buckin' hat". |
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14 Jun 07 - 11:41 PM (#2077484) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: katlaughing COWBOY BOOTS An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Snowbirds" in Arizona. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Wal-Mart, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He saunters into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything Different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room, completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat." *** |
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16 Jun 07 - 11:56 AM (#2078671) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus What's the difference between a Rumanian and a Bulgarian? They will both sell you their grandmother,but the Bulgarian will deliver. |
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16 Jun 07 - 12:28 PM (#2078687) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bill D A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!" |
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17 Jun 07 - 06:41 AM (#2079125) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
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23 Jun 07 - 09:18 AM (#2084800) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Two men are having a pint in the local bar, one says to the other; "I'm getting thoroughly sick and tired of our dog." "Why?" says the other, "I thought he was a well behaved, intelligent dog?" "Normally he is" admits the first man, "but of late, he's taken to chasing anyone on a bicycle." "Oh no, are you going to put him down? Give him away or what?" "Nothing that drastic." says the first man, "I'll just take his bike away from him." |
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23 Jun 07 - 09:22 AM (#2084802) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see #2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. So... It must be a bug. |
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27 Jun 07 - 02:52 AM (#2087989) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Pilgrim I'll post this one because it officially becomes out of date today... Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy'. "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f'ing accident either." Pilgrim |
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27 Jun 07 - 11:16 PM (#2088755) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy Anybody remember the one about the eagle and the soul? |
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28 Jun 07 - 02:06 AM (#2088807) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Cluin The only cow in a remote little Highland village stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow down in Perthshire for 100 pounds. They bought the cow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time and the people of the little Highland village were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his task. The people of the little remote Highland village were very upset and decided to ask Piper MacKay (who did a little veterinary work on the side and who was visiting his cousins in the village) what to do. They told Piper MacKay what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away," the village leader said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side." Piper MacKay thought about this for a minute and then asked, "Did you by chance acquire this cow from Perthshire?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Perthshire?" Piper MacKay shrugged, "My wife is from Perthshire." |
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28 Jun 07 - 06:30 AM (#2088903) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Fogie This one is from Bev Peg who sings skiffle and tells stories. He had a friend called Kevin, who was into tattoos, and had a map of England on his chest. Bev says he wasn't the brightest bulb in the socket, but at least you knew where you were with him! He went to a pet shop, having decided to buy a goldfish. The owner told him to take his pick, and asked if he wanted an aquarium. Kevin said he didn't care what star sign it was! They met on the street and Bev asked where he was going to. Kevin was off to the hardware store to buy a file. His goldfish had developed a lump on its head. You can't do that, says Bev; it'll kill the fish. Kevin said he wouldn't buy too raspy a file and he was sure it would be OK. A week later they met up again. How's the fish? asked Bev. It died! I told you that would happen. Kev didn't think it was the file, and thought maybe he'd used a bit too much pressure in the vise! |
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28 Jun 07 - 11:14 PM (#2089678) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: RangerSteve The one about Blair may be out of date in the UK, but change Tony and the Mrs. to Bush and Cheney, and it's good for a little while longer. |
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29 Jun 07 - 06:27 PM (#2090440) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing! |
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30 Jun 07 - 09:43 AM (#2090847) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Information?" (read it aloud) "Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." Dave Oesterreich |
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02 Jul 07 - 10:18 AM (#2092374) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Tavern vs Church" The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene. A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased - until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them. He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge. At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don't." |
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02 Jul 07 - 03:20 PM (#2092574) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Folkiedave This may take some working out for those not familiar with the Barnsley accent. A man from Barnsley wins the lottery and goes into a jewellers. "I'd like a gold statue of mi dog ". "18 carat?" "Nar, aytin a bone". |
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03 Jul 07 - 12:23 PM (#2093163) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie What time is it in BArnsley when there's a sandwich on the clock! Summat te ate |
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12 Jul 07 - 02:22 PM (#2100883) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST Hey diddle diddle the cat down a piddle over the bathroom mat the little dog laughed to see such a fun so he piddled all over cat. |
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12 Jul 07 - 06:28 PM (#2101076) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST I LOVE this joke--Cluin posted a different version above. Sven got a new cow & when he inspected her, he pulled on each teat. As he did this the cow farted with each pull. He wanted show his friend, Ollie the new cow. He told Ollie to pull on the teats & see what happens. The cow farted with every pull. Ollie says: "You got this cow in Minnesota!" Sven was surprised and asked "How did you know?" "My wife is from Minnesota" replied Ollie. |
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12 Jul 07 - 06:39 PM (#2101085) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Mickey191-Guest The previous "Sven" joke is mine. Lost my cookie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery" |
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13 Jul 07 - 10:29 AM (#2101594) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,ib0 My wife has a small tattoo on the inside of her left thigh,If you put your ear to it you can smell the sea. |
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13 Jul 07 - 05:04 PM (#2101937) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: breezy Ah Grimsby , thats where I get off. |
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13 Jul 07 - 10:59 PM (#2102147) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mickey191 We must forge ahead. A minister, on his wedding night, comes back to the bedroom after brushing his teeth. He finds his bride lying naked on the bed, he is shocked. He says, "I expected to find you on your knees," he says reproachfully. "Well alright, but it always gives me the hiccups." |
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14 Jul 07 - 05:46 AM (#2102278) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: HuwG Perhaps not a true joke, but inspired by the "Barnsley accent" ones, I will relate a story told by my mother, who once worked as a Clerical Officer at York District Hospital. A man in overalls once walked into Casualty Reception, and announced "Ah've got t'Gravel". The nurse on reception asked where it hurt, and he replied, "Nay, it doesn't hurt lass. Ah've told you, Ah've just got t'gravel." The Houseman was summoned, followed by the Registrar, and the Senior Registrar. They did no better, and as each more senior doctor was summoned, they could be seen frantically leafing through pathology manuals, trying without success to find the definition of "Gravel". Eventually, the Consultant was fetched. "Now then my good man, what are the symptoms, exactly ?" he said. The man replied, "Symptoms ? What do you mean, symptoms ? Ah've bin trying to tell t'lass, and t'other folk, and now Ah'm telling you, Ah've got this lorry load of gravel outside. Where do you want it putten' ?" |
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18 Jul 07 - 01:39 AM (#2105677) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe A man married for 25 years took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a l0 inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blond." "Now, we have a nice house,a nice car, a big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your end of things." The wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a cheap sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV. |
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18 Jul 07 - 01:43 AM (#2105678) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Peace Best piece of humour (greatest punchline) I have ever encountered on the Mudcat. 1) Subject: RE: BS: Things Learned at Mudcat From: Charley Noble - PM Date: 17 Jul 07 - 08:28 PM I've looked at threads from both sides now, Some are gross and but still somehow It's thread's illusions that I recall; I really don't know much at all! Charley Noble 2) Subject: RE: BS: Things Learned at Mudcat From: Peace - PM Date: 17 Jul 07 - 10:25 PM Ya got the makings of a song there, Charley. Have you considered a title for it yet? 3) Subject: RE: BS: Things Learned at Mudcat From: Foolestroupe - PM Date: 17 Jul 07 - 11:32 PM Little Boxes? |
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18 Jul 07 - 10:46 PM (#2106453) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Cluin Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh. (tell it to a 5 year old; they'll love it) Here's another one my 4 year old neice tells Q: How do you catch a bear? A: First, you dig a deep hole and fill the bottom with with ashes. Then you place peas on the ground close to the edge. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole. |
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19 Jul 07 - 04:44 AM (#2106608) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too." |
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19 Jul 07 - 06:42 AM (#2106662) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler Some of these may be new! I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbeque? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes outta its a**e." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? RtS |
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21 Jul 07 - 05:10 AM (#2108067) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.' The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers.He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.' A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over thecounter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said . . . . 'Mop and bucket, Till 5' RtS |
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21 Jul 07 - 06:16 PM (#2108350) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus "What shall we get Charlie for his birthday?" "How about a book?" "Oh, no, he's got one of them." Ivor |
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21 Jul 07 - 07:01 PM (#2108363) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Peace "To Whom It May Concern: "Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible." Delivered a short time later: "That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line." |
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22 Jul 07 - 06:04 AM (#2108498) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Ernest Ivor, you forgot the last line: "and even that is not fully coloured yet....! |
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22 Jul 07 - 08:48 AM (#2108535) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Ernest - think that's a second example of a joke with two successive puchlines. I like it either way. With yours, we laugh fully at Charlie. Without, the spear is aimed at everyone who hasn't got the hang of the book thing. IMO. Peace's reminds me of a cartoon. Boss to employee, "Jones, you've been with us 20 years. You've never been late, always done your work, only spoken nicely to everyone, never rushed away early. " Jones - what's your angle?" Ivor |
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23 Jul 07 - 12:15 PM (#2109333) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: wlisk If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! A few days later: ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START |
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24 Jul 07 - 11:09 PM (#2110601) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe PRISON VERSUS BEING A HOUSEWIFE * In prison you get three square meals a day. * At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. * In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. * At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest Lego creation. * In prison you get to watch TV, cable even. * At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. * In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. * At home you get to read weekly readers staring Dick, Jane and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. * In prison all your medical care is free. * At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. * In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. * At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. * In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. * At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space too and what the hell is free time again? * In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. * At home.... stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya? |
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25 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM (#2110948) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,IBO I THOUGHT A HUNGARIAN WAS A WELL ENDOWED GORILLA |
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25 Jul 07 - 12:47 PM (#2111014) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wesley S An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!" |
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25 Jul 07 - 01:07 PM (#2111034) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum A police officer comes home early and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. He draws and shoots his best friend without uttering a word. Says his wife: If you continue so, you soon won't have any good friends at all. |
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25 Jul 07 - 01:29 PM (#2111057) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Nigel Parsons This is (allegedly) a true incident that happened in New York. An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow '$5,000' The Italian replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?' |
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26 Jul 07 - 09:27 AM (#2111719) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Michael From a friend's grand daughter: Grandma I know a joke but it's rude:- Boy to teacher: Miss, Miss, Jenny's wet herself. Teacher: Jenny why didn't you put your hand up? Jenny: I did Miss but it leaked passed my fingers. Mike |
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26 Jul 07 - 09:31 AM (#2111728) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Pilgrim RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP 2. WON'T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" |
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26 Jul 07 - 10:22 AM (#2111764) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe 100 - Bingo! |
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26 Jul 07 - 11:43 AM (#2111831) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Continued with Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 |
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26 Jul 07 - 12:56 PM (#2111899) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Nigel Parsons Mrzzy: in response to earlier request. Two souls were ascending to heaven, when they passed two eagles. "Ah, eagles" said the souls. The eagles were too polite to reply! How do you know when you've passed an elephant? You can't get the toilet seat down! What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of a Mini? Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of a Mini! |
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27 Jul 07 - 04:01 AM (#2112384) Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler I think this insults just about everyone! The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. The Swiss, as always, have taken the phone off the hook. RtS |