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26 Jul 07 - 11:41 AM (#2111829) Subject: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'And here we are again - I'm too idle to browse threads too long. W |
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26 Jul 07 - 11:48 AM (#2111837) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum An old couple, silver anniversary. She: What did you think when you saw me naked for the first time? He: I wanted to suck your breasts empty and to bang your brains out. She: And what dou think about me now? He: I think I succeeded quite well. |
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26 Jul 07 - 12:42 PM (#2111887) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy Continued from the 3rd 2007 joke thread... |
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26 Jul 07 - 05:14 PM (#2112096) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Sex is bad for one. For two, GREAT !! (Jackie Mason) Ivor |
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26 Jul 07 - 05:16 PM (#2112100) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus From a celebration of Peter Cook. "As a trade unionist, I'm often asked why I vote Conservative. The answer is that I'm a stupid c***." Ivor |
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26 Jul 07 - 09:36 PM (#2112272) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Mike Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
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27 Jul 07 - 12:13 AM (#2112312) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Les B Just heard this tonight at a jam. An anatomy professor is about to give a lecture on involuntary muscle contraction. He realizes his normal text is a bit boring, so decides to use a more lively introduction. He walks up to a pretty young female in the front row and says "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you have an orgasim?" "Of course," she replies, "He's off hunting deer with his buddies." |
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27 Jul 07 - 11:36 AM (#2112674) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: *daylia* lol! |
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27 Jul 07 - 03:45 PM (#2112840) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Pseudolus Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?" Frank |
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27 Jul 07 - 06:22 PM (#2112955) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Donuel Alberto Gonzales is reported to have contracted Jon Lovitz syndrome. It is highly contagious and is presents symptoms such as: 쳌 Compulsive lies, yeah thats the ticket! 쳌 not remembering being told something, 쳌 "zoning out" in conversations, 쳌 being late or forgetting to show up when expected, 쳌 speaking without thinking, 쳌 pressured rapid-fire speech, seemingly random, and aimless hopping from one topic to the next, 쳌 perceived as aloof and arrogant, or tiresomely talkative and boorish, 쳌 easily frustrated or bored, 쳌 leaving a mess, 쳌 procrastination (difficulty starting tasks), 쳌 incompletion (starting tasks, household projects, or book reading, but not completing them before new projects or new books are begun, leaving a never-ending to-do list), 쳌 underestimating the time needed to finish a task, 쳌 insecurity and self-esteem issues because of unmet high personal expectations, and 쳌 often a high achiever, even an overachiever, but with poor self-image because of beliefs that more could be accomplished if not for disorganization. 쳌 often pressures goverment officials to sign documents when they are under sedation for major surgury. |
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28 Jul 07 - 06:37 AM (#2113194) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus A.H. was so angry about the anti-Nazi jokes that he ordered the culprit found. Eventually, the Gestapo arrested the Jewish comedian Yossel von Goldblum and brought him to (him -[phtt]). who saud,"Are you the one who invented the joke about me and an ass?" "Yes." "And the ridiculous slander that I have only one ball?" "That was mine." "And the one about the day I die will be a Jewish holiday?" "Yes, I thought that one up, too." "You pig!!!!!!! Don't you know I am the Fuhrer of the glorious Third Reich, a great empire that will live a thousand years?" "Ha! Ha1 Ha! That's hilarious. But you can't blame me for that one. Never heard that one before." Ivor |
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28 Jul 07 - 03:58 PM (#2113528) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Donuel, I guess you must mean that I'm qualified to be Attorney General in place of Alberto Gonzales! Almost all of that seems to fit me! Dave Oesterreich |
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28 Jul 07 - 06:03 PM (#2113602) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie Two drunks taalkin' and one says, Dave! If aah banged your Missus and she had a bairn - Wad that mek us related? Dave says, "Whey no man! Burrit wad mek us even" |
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31 Jul 07 - 02:40 AM (#2115290) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Geordie, please say it in English. |
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31 Jul 07 - 05:07 AM (#2115326) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Wilfried, er, he did. Perhaps you meant in standard English. Ivor |
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31 Jul 07 - 05:07 AM (#2115327) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Michael TRANSLATION Two inebriated men are talking and one says; Dave! I've had sexual intercourse with your wife and she's subsequently given birth; would that make us related? Dave says, Why no, but it makes us even. Mike |
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31 Jul 07 - 11:26 AM (#2115579) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum LOL! Thanks, Mike |
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07 Aug 07 - 06:45 PM (#2121200) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! |
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09 Aug 07 - 11:04 AM (#2122488) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Judge: And what did you think when you grabbed the claimant under the skirt? Defendant: I thought a horse was canoodling me. |
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10 Aug 07 - 09:25 PM (#2123407) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: wlisk DON'T MESS WITH US OLD MEN........... The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in." |
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10 Aug 07 - 10:16 PM (#2123428) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: frogprince Someone must have thought of this before, but I really don't remember hearing it: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, making love? Spike. |
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11 Aug 07 - 02:17 PM (#2123813) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the first step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl was now mortified, and turned around furiously and told the man off. "How dare you touch my body that way," she yelled. "I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly for the third time, I kinda figured that we must be pretty good friends." |
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13 Aug 07 - 07:55 PM (#2124840) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Why God made Mums -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!! Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring 3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you Your mother & not some other Mum? 1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me. What kind of little girl was your mum? 1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mum need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mum marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 2. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between mums & dads? 1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work. 2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your mum do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mum perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. |
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13 Aug 07 - 09:13 PM (#2124900) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bill D One of the reasons I fret about the internet....there were 452 Google hits on "God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair "...now there will be 453. And I am a pedant..the whole 'Mum' bit is not a joke ...so sue me in Pedant's Court...*grin* Here is a joke: Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
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13 Aug 07 - 09:33 PM (#2124911) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe "Results 1 - 10 of about 82,900 for 'This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them'" :-P |
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13 Aug 07 - 10:03 PM (#2124925) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bill D LOLOL...figgers! *one mark for Foolestroupe* ...at least it IS a joke. |
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14 Aug 07 - 08:32 AM (#2125135) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum ... and one of these 82,900 is here nice coincidence, isn't it? |
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14 Aug 07 - 12:56 PM (#2125294) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Well, if 2 people have quoted the same thing from the internet, then that proves it's true. a woman gets into a railway carriage, where there's a chap reading the paper. After a while, she says, "Excuse me." He puts his paper down, and she continues, "Hope you don't mind me asking, but are you Jewish?" "No," thus the man who resumes his paper. After a short while, she says,"Sorry, but aren't you Jewish?" He says,"No,I'm not" again and resumes reading. A longer pause but she's still not satisfied, "I'm very sorry, but I'm sure you're Jewish." He puts his paper down and says, "Well, actually, yes I am Jewish." Now she's satisfied but adds, "Mind you, you don't look Jewish." Ivor |
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15 Aug 07 - 06:15 AM (#2125863) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Well, if 2 people have quoted the same thing from the internet, then that proves it's true shit is beautiful - 30 trillions of flies can't be mistaken |
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15 Aug 07 - 04:13 PM (#2126335) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: wlisk A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. " "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?" |
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15 Aug 07 - 07:48 PM (#2126491) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe The Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. That is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was silent. Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible mistake, I never said you belonged to the Ku Klux Khan. I simply told a friend that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fainted and the congregation roared. |
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16 Aug 07 - 08:47 AM (#2126933) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Telephone Poll" The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." |
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16 Aug 07 - 08:49 AM (#2126935) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Jar Number 47" A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr.. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home very angry. One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..." Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room! |
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16 Aug 07 - 04:03 PM (#2127337) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Ebbie Blue Suit A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the decease’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment, the mortician returns her check. The check is blank. He says, “There’s no charge.” “No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says. “Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. “You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. “So I switched the heads.” |
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17 Aug 07 - 01:54 AM (#2127637) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: JennyO KAKSOD!!! (Killed Another Keyboard Squirting Out Drink - Liz's invention) Ebbie, you really ought to warn a person before you post things like that! Then when I read it to John, he was literally doubled up with laughter (no keyboards nearby, fortunately)! |
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17 Aug 07 - 05:55 AM (#2127733) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,HuwG at strange office A man wanted to end his life by being run over by a steam locomotive. With so few of them left in the world, he had difficulty finding one. One day he went on holiday, and to his joy, found a railway line with working steam engines. He leaped in front of one and was killed instantly. He was chuffed to pieces. |
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17 Aug 07 - 06:15 AM (#2127741) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: John Hardly Xerox Corp has announced the introduction of an environmentally friendly new copier paper that will require the harvesting of thousands fewer trees every year. According to the press release, all the materials required for the new copier paper are entirely synthetic, except for the kittens. |
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17 Aug 07 - 06:15 AM (#2127742) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: John Hardly A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official.... who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." |
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17 Aug 07 - 08:24 AM (#2127803) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: deadfrett I gave the wife a Mood Ring. When she's happy,it turns green. When she's mad it leaves a red mark on my forehead. |
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17 Aug 07 - 02:01 PM (#2128052) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wesley S An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale." |
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17 Aug 07 - 02:27 PM (#2128072) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Cluin One from my 4 year old niece today: Q: What do you call two banana peels? A: A pair of slippers. |
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17 Aug 07 - 05:47 PM (#2128220) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST, Ebbie JennyO, your John's reaction is the same as I had. hahhaha It still strikes me as hilarious. |
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18 Aug 07 - 02:51 PM (#2128713) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus A chap in a new town needs a suit and finds a local tailor. measurements are taken, 'ready in a coupla days' and so on. When he returns to the tailor and tries on the suit, he notices a crease down the back of the jacket. The tailor says, "Yeh, well, if you just bend a little to your right...", whixh he does, and the tailor continues,"There you are !" "Yes," says the man,"but look, now there's a fold on the left." Thus the tailor,"Right. And so just pull your left shoulder back, " which he does,"There you are - vanished." The man continues,"And now there's a roll on the right front." The tailor reponds,"Right and now you twist a bit to the right and bend a little forward. Perfect." "You're right," says the man who pays and leaves. He's spotted walking along the street by two women. One says, "Oh, look at that poor unfortunate man, must be terrible to be like that." The other says, " True, but has he found a fan-tas-tic tailor !" Ivor |
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20 Aug 07 - 09:18 AM (#2129612) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler Can’t remember if we’ve used this one: Bill & George Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton’s personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said. “When I’m president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn’t do something that self-indulgent!” Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, “I found out who pissed in your saxophone.” RtS |
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20 Aug 07 - 10:48 PM (#2130114) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mickey191 Laughed Out Loud Roger! It could very well be TRUE!!! |
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21 Aug 07 - 01:55 PM (#2130510) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus LOL Roger. A mother buys her son two shirts. he takes them upstairs, tries them on, and comes down in one of them. She says, "So what's wrong with the other one?" Ivor |
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21 Aug 07 - 02:43 PM (#2130543) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,NEIL A guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm. He tells the barkeep, "I’m a bit down on my luck right now. Could you spot me to a shot and beer if I show you something amazing?" The barman says, "It would have to be pretty bloody amazing." The man says, "Well, check this out then," and pulls out of the box a chipmunk and a tiny little piano. The chipmunk proceeds to play "The Minute Waltz" in 49 seconds without missing a note. The bartender says, "Well, you did indeed amaze me," and brings the man his shot and beer. A few minutes later the man calls the bartender over and says, "That almost hit the spot, but if I show you something even more amazing will you spot me another?" The bartender asks doubtfully: "More amazing than the piano playing chipmunk?" "Just watch," he says and pulls out a little mongrel dog and sits him on the bar. With the chipmunk accompanying the dog proceeds to sing "Danny Boy" so beautifully and full of emotion there's not a dry eye in the house. So the man gets another shot and beer. After a few minutes the bartender comes over and offers a thousand dollars for the dog and the chipmunk. The man says, "Well, the chipmunk's been with me for quite a while. I could never part with him. I will, however sell the dog for $500." They strike a deal and the barkeep pays up and takes the dog to the back room to feed him. A patron at the bar begins berating the man, saying: "Are you crazy selling that dog for $500? Why, a dog that can sing like that has to be worth more than that." The man turns to the patron and with a wink he whispers: "It's alright. The chipmunk is a ventriloquist," and hurries out of the bar. |
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21 Aug 07 - 02:45 PM (#2130546) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,NEIL AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE A DYSLEXIC AGNOSTIC WITH INSOMNIA,PLEASE DON'T LIE AWAKE TONIGHT WONDERING IF THERE REALLY IS A DOG. |
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22 Aug 07 - 09:37 AM (#2131051) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "First Date... or Not" A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium: What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page. "Chapter 1: The First Date." He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while. When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?" She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further. He asks, "Great! What do you think, dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!" "Fine, I'll pick you up about nine; you should be finished eating by then." |
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22 Aug 07 - 03:22 PM (#2131366) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Nigel Parsons A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.' The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.' The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.' Don't you just love lawyers? |
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23 Aug 07 - 05:42 AM (#2131801) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe An Australian Political Joke... (for those who keep up with the news...) What's the difference between Howard (PM) and Rudd (Opposition Leader)? Well Howard says Rudd is a Cunning Stunt, whereas Howard is ... |
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25 Aug 07 - 10:42 AM (#2133301) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "First Day of Psychiatry Class" The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," stated the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she replied. "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas. "How about the opposite of woe?" He said, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." |
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26 Aug 07 - 06:00 PM (#2134065) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie Aah wez offered 8 legs of venison for £50 but aah thowt is wez two deer!! Aah've just seen a man playin' 'Dancing Queen' on a didgeridoo - Aah thought "That's aboriginal" Me mate saez he'd just got a job at a bowlin' alley - Ah says, "Tenpin" - He says, No! Permanent!" |
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26 Aug 07 - 08:04 PM (#2134138) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe It was April and the aboriginees of a remote Northern Territory area asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he could not tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and the members should collect firewood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days, he called the Bureau of Meterology and asked "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The answer was that the coming winter was going to be quite cold. So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meterology again "Does it still look as though it is going to be very cold?" The answer was "Yes it is going to be a very cold winter." The elder went back to his tribe and told them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Later he then called the Bureau again and asked "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" said the mereorologist, "It is looking more and more like it will be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" asked the elder. The weatherman replied "There are reports that the Aboriginees are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's a sure sign." |
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27 Aug 07 - 05:09 PM (#2134801) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie An office manager had been told by his head office to 'downsize' his staff and he'd worried hard and long and narrowed the choice down to two members of his team, Alice, who was OK at her job but was a bit of a 'party animal' and Jack who was also OK at the job but was a bit of a chauvanist pig. The manager could not decide so he decided to give the two people the option to 'resign' On the day in question he arrived at work and found Alice at the coffee machine looking a little 'worse for wear' and he said to her, "Alice! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off" Alice replies, "I've got a bitch of a hangover! Would you mind jacking off this once" |
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01 Sep 07 - 07:56 AM (#2138283) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe What's this? ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ Ma Waltzin' Tildes! :-P |
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01 Sep 07 - 01:10 PM (#2138424) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it." -- Anonymous |
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06 Sep 07 - 09:21 AM (#2142343) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Wandering through Siberia you will notice a pressing lack of public lavatories. So they offer you a peregrinating privy. It consists of two medium sized sticks: One to support you, the other to wave away the wolves. And the there is the de-luxe-edition with an additional stick to hang your greatcoat on. (Old army yoke I just remembered today) |
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06 Sep 07 - 05:33 PM (#2142772) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy So these two bumpkins are walking along and find the biggest, deepest hole either has ever seen. They throw a rock in to gauge the depth - silence. They heave in a bigger rock - silence. They scout around and find a railroad tie, throw *that* in - still silence. They're looking at each other, scratching their heads, when along comes a goat, runs to the hole, jumps in, and disappears. Now the two are standing there with their mouths open. A bit later, along comes a farmer, asking Have you seen my goat? Well, says one, we saw *a* goat - it ran up and jumped in this here hole! Strangest thing you ever saw! Nah, says the farmer, that can't be *my* goat. *My* goat was tied to a railway tie. |
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06 Sep 07 - 05:55 PM (#2142790) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Nickhere How about this one? Two guys are sentenced to be executed. On the appointed day, they are led out to teh scaffold. "Any last wishes?" asks the executioner. "Yes" says the first guy "Could you please play James Blunt's 'You're beautiful' so i can hear it one last time before I die?" "Sure thing" says the executioner. "And what about you? Any last request" he adds, turning to the other guy condemmned to die. "Yes, could I be executed first, please?" |
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06 Sep 07 - 07:20 PM (#2142859) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie They've developed a powdered verson of Viagra so that you can spoon it into your tea & coffee. It dosn't inprove your sex-life but it stops your biscuit going soft |
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07 Sep 07 - 03:41 PM (#2143478) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie Woman goes to hospital after having phone sex. They removed 2 Nokias, a Samsung and 3 Motorolas but no Siemen |
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09 Sep 07 - 08:28 AM (#2144528) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus "I did a speed-reading course. Then I speed-read War and Peace in 7 minutes. "It's about Russia." (Woody Allen) Incidentally, does anyone know any jokes about Islam? I know a lot of ones about Judaism and Christianity. The only one i know comes in a sequence "Shit Happens" Atheism I don' believe this shit. Televangelism Send money or shit will happen to you. Capitalism This is MY shit. Islam Shit happens because it's the will of Allah. etc.etc. Ivor |
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09 Sep 07 - 09:38 AM (#2144556) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Partridge Ladies & Gentlemen I give you the Beaufart Scale: FORCE DESCRIPTION OBSERVED EFFECTS 0 Calm Nothing happeing despite your best efforts. 1 Light airs The sort of slight "parp" which leaves one slightly disappointed. 2 Light breeze No "parp" this time but much more smelly - aka the "Silent But Deadly" leading to a delayed reaction in the recipient and the accusation "f**k me was that you?" 3 Gentle Breeze A bit louder this time but not so loud that you cant blame the dog and get away with it! 4 Moderate Breeze A good, all round fart with a meaty aroma tending towards rotten eggs. Dog sniffs his own backside quizzically. 5 Fresh Breeze One of those farts where the urge to lift ones bottom cheeks and let rip becomes very strong, often leading to marital discord. 6 Strong Breeze And strong smell too! A real ripsnorter which causes everyone, including the dog, to leave the room in disgust, leaving you to chuckle hysterically to yourself. 7 Near Gale A real danger of "follow-through" from this one which causes the next-door neighbour to bang on the wall and complain about the noise. 8 Gale The one that rips the hole in your trousers or for those of the female persuasion give you that "Marilyn Monroe" moment. Dog flees the house whining piteously. 9 Severe Gale Even the perpetrator feels nauseous at this one! Should be reserved only for Aunts that you dont really like and Jehovas Witnesses. UN Security Council becomes concerned that you may be secretly developing WMD's. 10 Storm "Follow through" no longer a suspicion but a distinct possibility. Aroma almost unbearable. UN Security Council demands you allow inspectors to examine your "facilities." 11 Violent Storm You're really starting to regret that Vindaloo you had last night arent you? US threatens unilateral military action. 12 Hurricane It really is time for a change of underwear methinks. Neighbours don protective NBC suits and gas masks. The cruise missiles are en-route by the way! |
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09 Sep 07 - 09:41 AM (#2144559) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Partridge Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk. |
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09 Sep 07 - 09:46 AM (#2144561) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Partridge An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down". |
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09 Sep 07 - 03:53 PM (#2144771) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Keith A of Hertford I sent a friend Geordie P's office joke. He sent back.. I liked that one! In fact, had she not had a hangover, Alice might have replied: "Look, if you were any sort of a man you would lay me and jack off at the same time." |
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09 Sep 07 - 04:06 PM (#2144787) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Genie I heard that Little Hawk went to see the doctor recently. The first admonition the doc gave him is, "You're going to have to stop masturbating." "Why do I have to do that," Hawk asked, bewilderedly. "So I can examine you," replied the doctor. |
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09 Sep 07 - 06:16 PM (#2144890) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Two bleokes order their meal in a restaurant. As the waiter is about to depart, one man says, "Can I have a glass of water?" "Yes, sir." The other chap says, "Yes, I'll have a glass as well, and can you make sure it's a clean glass." The waiter goes. Shortly, he returns with the two glasses and says, "Er, which of you gentleman was the one who wanted the clean glass?" Ivor |
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09 Sep 07 - 06:27 PM (#2144894) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: RangerSteve A church pastor is in a diner talking with some of his congregation and mentions that the church organist is ill and won't make Sunday's service, and he doesn't have a replacement. Over in the corner another member of the church hears this and says, "Pastor, I can play the piccolo and I'm really good and I can play all of the hymns and I know if you let me I'll do a great job". So the pastor agrees to let him have a go at it. On Sunday morning, the pastor gets up in front of the congregation and explains the situation. Then he announces that they will sing Hymn number 22. The piccolo player whispers to him "I'm sorry, Reverend, but that one's too hard. You have to pick another". The Pastor says, "We will instead sing Hymn number 102". The piccolo player whispers "Sorry, but that one's also too hard, you'll have to pick another". The pastor tries hymn number 341, with the same result. Someone in the congregation yells out "Piccolo players a mother fucker". There's a dead silence. The pastor then says "Will the person who just called the piccolo player a mother fucker please stand up. No one does. He then says "Will the person sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker please stand up?". Again, no one stnads up. "Will the person sitting next to the person sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker please stand up?". Someone stands up and says, "Pastor, I'm not the one who called the piccolo player a mother fucker, and I'm not sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker, and I'm not sitting next to the person sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a mother fucker. And I don't care who called the piccolo player a mother fucker. What I'd like to no, however, is who called that mother fucker a piccolo player?" |
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11 Sep 07 - 03:21 PM (#2146635) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Cluin Once upon a time, in the land of Nodd, there lived a beautiful queen with magnificent and legendary breasts. They were hailed by poets from all over the world as being the most perfect of their kind and were considered the formost of the country's national treasures. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for consummating his desire would be death should he try to touch these regal fun bags, but he had to try. So one day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said finally that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but that it would cost 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed. The next day, Horatio made up a special mixture of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Right after she had gotten dressed, the itching began and soon grew intense. She could get no relief. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this problem, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only the saliva of a Dragon Slayer, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch. The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the royal bosom. The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was even hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his home, Nick found Horatio waiting, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. His desires now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, Nick told the physician there was no way he was going to pay the agreed-upon fee. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer to his chambers. The moral of the story... Pay your bills. |
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11 Sep 07 - 07:18 PM (#2146843) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Why do men have transparent lunch boxes? So they know whether they're going to work, ot soming home from work. Ivor |
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11 Sep 07 - 08:52 PM (#2146892) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bee-dubya-ell A big game hunter was hunting in the jungle when he came across the carcass of the biggest rhinocerous he had ever seen, with a little Pigmy standing beside it. He asked the Pigmy, "Did you kill that?" The Pigmy said, "Yes I did." The hunter then asked, "What did you use to kill it with?" The Pigmy replied, "My club." Amazed, the hunter asked, "Well, how big is your club?" The Pigmy replied, "Oh, there's about thirty of us." |
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11 Sep 07 - 09:17 PM (#2146900) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe The English Gentleman was out in the woods hunting Game, when he came across a scantily clad young female. "Are you Game?" he asked her. "Yes", she said. So he shot her. |
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11 Sep 07 - 09:21 PM (#2146904) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Alba A man goes into a Store and asks "Do you sell Polish Sausages?" The Store Assistant asks "Are you Polish Sir?" The man becomes annoyed and abruptly asks the Assistant " If I had asked if you sold Italian Sausage would you have asked me if I was Italian. If I has asked if you sold Kosher Hot Dogs here would you have asked if I was Jewish? Why ask me if I am Polish just because I came into your Store looking for some Polish Sausages?" "Well, because this is the Home Depot Sir" replied the Store Assistant. |
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12 Sep 07 - 04:58 AM (#2147089) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Michael Foolestroupe- I first heard that from Rambling Sid Rumpo. (Not sure what that proves; but I like both.) (Not sure what that proves either.) Same source:- K.W. "I was walking through a field the other day and saw a beautiful young woman driving towards me one of those big farm machines." K.H. "A tractor?" K.W." Well I think I must have done because she-" K.H."I don't think we need to hear anymore, thankyou." Mike |
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12 Sep 07 - 05:19 AM (#2147097) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store." So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!" RtS |
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12 Sep 07 - 05:26 AM (#2147109) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Mike, I - ahem -er- think you -er- 9cough, cough) - er - do know what it proves. LOL esp. Bee and Roger ( and millions of others - what do I hit to find all the joke threads, if i don;t work it out first) very very lazy (on holiday) Ivor |
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12 Sep 07 - 07:44 AM (#2147189) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bryn Pugh One I heard from Hamish Imlach (the Gods be good to him) many years ago, but it still makes me chuckle : What's a good way of keeping flies out of your kitchen ? Keep a bucket of shit in the lobby. |
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12 Sep 07 - 08:49 AM (#2147236) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe If you put "Joke Thread" into the Filter at the top of the Threads List Page and set the date back a few years, most of the ones I started using that title for (at first each successive date thread was crosslinked to the ones before and after) will turn up - a few other joke threads are referenced from in those. But there are so many other joke threads - some of them are from before the days when the BS: id was started. And some of the funniest moments are not jokes, but just happen in some threads, even some of the 'serious' music ones. |
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12 Sep 07 - 09:37 AM (#2147274) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy A new (to me) racist joke: Why paint your canoe black? Because then it won't tip. |
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12 Sep 07 - 02:33 PM (#2147559) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Skipper Jack A pirate walked into an inn and the innkeeper said, Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine!" "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "Well OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I'm fine, really." "What about the eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were out at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye." "Oh come now, you couldn't lose an eye from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook1" |
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13 Sep 07 - 04:08 AM (#2148039) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus Thanks, Foulstroupe - I MADE IT WORK - Hurraaaaaaaaaaaah!! Now to find those classical music funnies. itm,hecmj, Beethoven's Mum, shouting up, "Ludwiiiiiiiiiiiig!" "Yes, muzzer." "Your dinner's ready." "I can't muzzer, I'm compawwwwsing" "Ach,Ludwig, you and your (to the famous phrase) ya -da -da - daaaaaa, ya - da -da - daaah." "Muzzer, zet's it !! zet's it !! Muzzer , you're a genius ." Ivor |
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13 Sep 07 - 10:21 AM (#2148297) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Questions That Haunt Me . . .” Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway! Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your rectum? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Dave Oesterreich |
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13 Sep 07 - 10:22 AM (#2148300) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "Senior Dress Code" Many Seniors (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how they should present ourselves. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedos and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker And last, but not least...my personal favorite: 13. Thongs and Depends Dave Oesterreich |
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13 Sep 07 - 11:02 AM (#2148346) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: MudGuard Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes ... ;-) Another question: at which precise moment does a pig become porc (or a cow beef)? When it gets slaughtered? When it gets divided into parts? |
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13 Sep 07 - 04:52 PM (#2148477) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO At the point where it passed from the hands of the Saxon peasant to become an item for the table of the Norman overlords. On that principle, I'd expect when (it was/they were) made into the cut that was to be cooked. I suppose the cooks and servants in the Hall would be using the jargon of their masters when dealing with an item for "the boss". My guess. YMMV. Dave Oesterreich |
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13 Sep 07 - 06:02 PM (#2148540) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Maxine This one is a ripper!! Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." So they met and it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." |
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13 Sep 07 - 10:08 PM (#2148718) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe "If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?" In Asian countries, they expect that a can of food has a picture that reveals what is inside. Heinz had to stop putting pictures of babies on their Baby Food Line... |
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14 Sep 07 - 04:08 AM (#2148862) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: autolycus For this joke , the reader needs to know that Lipchitz and Epstein were famous sculptors. You knew that? Well I didn't know, I'm sorry, we hadn't been intro...........anyway, A guest arrives at the day-after-the-bar mitzvah dinner. She surveys the opulent scene, the mouth-watering food, and in the centre of the main table, a life-size sculpture of the bar mitzvah boy loving created out of chopper liver. "What do you think of the sculpture of my boy Bernie?" "I've never seen anything like it," says the guest,"Who did it? Lipchitz or Epstein?" "Lipchitz, of course!" replied the mother," Epstein only works in egg and onions." Ivor |
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14 Sep 07 - 12:58 PM (#2149244) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Bert Heinz had to stop putting pictures of babies on their Baby Food Line... I guess the dog food makers had to do the same. |
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14 Sep 07 - 08:15 PM (#2149545) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: HuwG I vaguely remember an old rhyme ... There once were three people called Stein There was Gerd, there was Ep, there was Ein Gerd's writings were bunk, Ep's statues were junk, And nobody understood Ein. Anybody know the source ? (sounds like Dorothy Parker, but I can't place it.) |
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16 Sep 07 - 12:53 AM (#2150243) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: BK Lick He: Do you like Kipling? She: I don't know, you naughty boy -- I've never kippled. |
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16 Sep 07 - 04:56 AM (#2150254) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: julian morbihan He: Do you like Dickins? She: I don't know. I've never been to one. |
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16 Sep 07 - 05:40 AM (#2150274) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Partridge Mildred and Earl Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. |
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17 Sep 07 - 09:11 AM (#2151049) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?' |
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18 Sep 07 - 01:32 AM (#2151650) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Hahahaha! ROFL! Good One DaveA. but it's a bit like number 27, isn't it? :-P |
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18 Sep 07 - 04:29 AM (#2151706) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Another question: at which precise moment does a pig become porc (or a cow beef)? When it gets slaughtered? When it gets divided into parts? At the point where it passed from the hands of the Saxon peasant to become an item for the table of the Norman overlords. On that principle, I'd expect when (it was/they were) made into the cut that was to be cooked. I suppose the cooks and servants in the Hall would be using the jargon of their masters when dealing with an item for "the boss". My guess. Good guess, Dave. It is confirmed somewhere in Scott's Ivanhoe where a Saxon complains about changing old alderman Ox's name to Beef when entering the Norman's table. Sorry to enter this so late but I was abroad some days. |
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18 Sep 07 - 05:40 PM (#2152162) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO "A Good Question" A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" |
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18 Sep 07 - 06:47 PM (#2152227) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Ahh sigh - someone deleted the blank message thus my previous now falls flat... |
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19 Sep 07 - 09:03 AM (#2152588) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: wlisk In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. |
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19 Sep 07 - 02:00 PM (#2152785) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie A Lesbian gans in for a smear test The doctor mentions that he's never seen such a clean and well-kept minge. She says, "Well! I DO have a woman in twice a week!" |
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20 Sep 07 - 01:24 AM (#2153213) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Heard it some days ago in Belgium: Why do Belgian women have square nipples? To get the babies accustomed early to French fries. |
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24 Sep 07 - 10:43 AM (#2156294) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Creating Beaurocracy Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana, but as soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here." Sound familiar? Folk Music anyone? |
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24 Sep 07 - 11:45 AM (#2156333) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Says the husband to his wife: Oh my dear, you have a butt like a threshing-machine! In the night in bed he starts to fondle his wife tenderly and tries to mount her. Says his wife: for one tiny straw I won't start my threshing-machine! |
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25 Sep 07 - 10:50 AM (#2157095) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wolfgang A very recent one: "Have you heard that Marcel Marceau has actually died way back in August?" "But why is it only in the News now?" "His family had thought he was exercising for a new pose, until the corpse began to stink." Wolfgang |
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25 Sep 07 - 08:48 PM (#2157427) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy The ape one would work with chimps but not bonobos, who would all have sex and then share the banana. I wonder if it would be simultaneously... |
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26 Sep 07 - 10:46 AM (#2157736) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" |
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27 Sep 07 - 08:01 AM (#2158430) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Continued with the Fifth Koke Thread for 2007 It's Time for a change, isn't it |
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27 Sep 07 - 08:13 AM (#2158440) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Wolfgang I thought I did understand the apes joke until I read: The ape one would work with chimps but not bonobos, who would all have sex and then share the banana. Now I'm looking for a hidden clue. Wolfgang |
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27 Sep 07 - 02:29 PM (#2158695) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Doug Chadwick Well, I took it that "bonobos" was dyslexic for "baboons". Does that help, Wolfgang? DC |
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27 Sep 07 - 02:47 PM (#2158701) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: jeffp Bonobo apes have very active sex lives. |
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27 Sep 07 - 03:04 PM (#2158713) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: Doug Chadwick I didn't realise that a bonobo was a type of chimpanzee. You learn something every day. DC |
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28 Sep 07 - 01:27 AM (#2159047) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Next time, put a consistent name in the "from" box. -Joe Offer- |
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28 Sep 07 - 08:45 AM (#2159232) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Andrez John Howard at the pearly gates While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself, who says that since the implementation of His new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for all eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,"simpers Howard. "I'm sorry but we have our rules," Peter says firmly. And with that he escorts Howard to an elevator, which goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell. When the doors open Johnny finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 24 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse, and standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and other Liberal Party luminaries who have helped him out over the years - Harold Holt, John Gorton, Billy McMahon;they' re all there, and everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him and start to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly. "Hell, son, this is Hell! You can drink and eat all you want without a worry, and it just gets better from there!" Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as he steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens he is in Heaven again and St Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster - and these people are all poor Johnny doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special. "Whoa," he thinks to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!" The day done, St Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell When the elevator doors open he is in the middle of a barren,scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. He is horrified to see his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They groan and moan in pain, their faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder."Welcome, John!" "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Howard. "Yesterday there was a golf course and a club-house, and we ate lobster and caviar, and drank tequila; we lazed around and had a great time and now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!" |
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28 Sep 07 - 08:59 AM (#2159241) Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Andrez Hi folks, Here's something else that I picked up a while ago and thought it would contribute to the continuing edification and appreciation of this thread. Enjoy! > The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. > > One student, however, wrote the following: > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. > > As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. > > With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. > > This gives two possibilities: > > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. > > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. > > So which is it? > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." > > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" >Cheers, Andrez |