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01 Nov 08 - 09:16 AM (#2481575) Subject: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert ...well, I wish the sumabich would... Last night he figured that the deck right off our bedroom would do just fine... From the looks of his offerin's I'd say he must be a purdy big sumabichin' bear, too... B;~( |
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01 Nov 08 - 09:21 AM (#2481577) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: jacqui.c Are you sure that it's not McCain delivering his message right to your door? |
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01 Nov 08 - 09:25 AM (#2481579) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert If is was then McCain is one hell of a man judgin' from the size of his "message"...lol... B;~) |
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01 Nov 08 - 09:47 AM (#2481587) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: John MacKenzie Any sign of hanging chads? XG |
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01 Nov 08 - 10:37 AM (#2481609) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bobert, a bear kin tear your door down, toss you aside like a rag doll, drink up all yer beer, smoke all yer weed, make love to yer wife, eat all yer food, wreck yer truck and exit yer house any way it wants. Iffen you do something dumb, like decide ta shoot it, it'll place yer gun in such a place ya'll walk straight up and down fer the rest of yer life. And that's jist a new-born cub. The adults are a lot worse. Best thing to do is to understand that the bear left that calling card as a present and bears think that iffen you don't treasure it and honor it (like you would an autographed picher of, say, Pres. W) you'll make it REALLY REALLY angry. So reverently scoop up what was left and put it in a golden urn with crystal sides. Use it as a centerpiece at every meal, and keep it in a place of honor in yer house. Otherwise...the bear will get mad and you don't want that to happen. |
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01 Nov 08 - 10:54 AM (#2481621) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: CarolC It was a belated housewarming present... a gift for the compost pile. I'm sure a nice big pot of honey would be a suitable reciprocal gift. |
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01 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM (#2481623) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Cluin He's just returning the favour, seeing as how people have been dumping their crap in his home for years. |
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01 Nov 08 - 12:59 PM (#2481714) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bill D He couldn't get in or... Progress IS being made you need to train that bear! |
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01 Nov 08 - 01:03 PM (#2481719) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert lol, bill... btw, the "Progress" one didn't work fir me... |
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01 Nov 08 - 01:10 PM (#2481729) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: topical tom Where's Sarah Palin when you really need her? |
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01 Nov 08 - 01:26 PM (#2481744) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: John MacKenzie She's having a wink |
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01 Nov 08 - 01:26 PM (#2481746) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bill D Obviously, that site doesn't allow 'hot linking', but if you copy & past the link, it will work. http://www.thehumorarchives.com/attachment/154/bearshit.jpg |
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01 Nov 08 - 10:02 PM (#2482098) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: EBarnacle Now, if we can get it to wear a dress, we can name it Pope. |
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01 Nov 08 - 11:32 PM (#2482141) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: JennieG Geez Bobert I don't know why you are worried......now if the bear had been IN the bedroom instead of on the deck, you would have had cause for concern! Cheers JennieG in Oz where the only bears we have are drop bears |
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02 Nov 08 - 12:03 AM (#2482158) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee I'm a-tellin' ya, Bobert, that there bear's after yer honey and yer honey's the P-vine. |
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02 Nov 08 - 12:52 AM (#2482175) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: catspaw49 Ya' know................Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys were visiting Clete's great aunt Dora down in Pennington Gap and started back north yesterday morning. Now I don't think it was them but the timing's about right and you never know. Buford has been known to go a week without a crap and then when he lets go.................well, your description makes me at least suspicious. If it was them at least they won't be back (you hope) as they're miles up the road by now (you hope). Course it also depends on how often their van breaks down.................. Spaw |
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02 Nov 08 - 01:42 AM (#2482190) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Cluin Easy way to settle it. Is your pic-a-nic basket gone? |
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02 Nov 08 - 05:25 AM (#2482292) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: John MacKenzie Was it a Boo Boo, or a poo poo? XG |
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02 Nov 08 - 08:50 AM (#2482369) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert Oh, it was poo allright and unless Buford been eatin' lots of persimmons then I think we can rule Buford out... So last night the bear decided to knock over an 8 foot longs section of iron fence... Fell right on a bunch of the P-Vine's azaleas... That is a bad thing for a bear to do... Now she wants me rent a bear costume and sit out in the middle of the yard tonight with the "big gun"??? I'm not completely sold on that idea... B~ |
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02 Nov 08 - 09:01 AM (#2482377) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: John MacKenzie She wants you bare, in the yard, at night? |
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02 Nov 08 - 09:12 AM (#2482390) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: topical tom Oh, the bear she shit in the shavings The bear she shit in the shavings The bear she shit in the shavings And covered it up with her paw. Maybe put some shavings on the deck? Cleanup might be easier.You'd just have to shovel shavings rather than shovel shit. |
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02 Nov 08 - 10:28 AM (#2482444) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: EBarnacle It probably makes great compost. |
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02 Nov 08 - 10:44 AM (#2482451) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: jacqui.c Bobert - that is one BRAVE bear! Doing damage to the P-Vine's dahlias? |
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02 Nov 08 - 11:29 AM (#2482490) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert He ain't all that brave 'er the sumabich would do it in broad daylight... Actually, I think this is the same bear who ventured into the yard a couple months ago and she gave him the dickens... Scared Mr. Bear half to death... So now the sneeky sumabich waits a couple hours after the lights go out... Okay, he is a quick learner... I'll give him credit there... Yeah, I might have to pull my Elmer Fudd routine on him if he keeps messin' stuff up while we is sleepin'... Hey, Mr. Bear, how do you spell "BANG!", huh??? 'Er "PUMPKIN BALL"??? Yeah, answer me than one, will ya, ya little weizel... B~ |
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02 Nov 08 - 12:14 PM (#2482516) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Ebbie Oh, the bear she shit in the shavings The bear she shit in the shavings The bear she shit in the shavings And covered it up with her paw. Get real. Generally speaking, the male bear doesn't hang around to raise the young'uns so the chances are that she doesn't evn know her paw. |
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02 Nov 08 - 03:23 PM (#2482649) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bee-dubya-ell Okay Bobert, here's how ya git ridda that bear: Wait 'til this winter when th' crick's frozen over. Then take yer axe out t' th' crick an' chop a three or four foot hole in th' ice. Take some frozen crowder peas an' sprinkle 'em around that hole in th' ice an' then go hide someplace nearby. Then, when that ol' bear comes to th' crick an' bends over t' take a pea, sneak up behind him an' kick him in th' ice hole. |
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02 Nov 08 - 03:52 PM (#2482675) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Cluin Slewfoot high on a mountain, tell me what do you see? bear tracks, bear tracks, looking back at me you'd better get your rifle, boy, before it's too late that bear's got a little pig and he's headed for the gate now, he's big around the middle and he's broad across the rump running ninety miles an hour, taking thirty feet a jump he ain't never been caught; he ain't never been treed some folks say that he's a lot like me well, I saved up my money and I bought me some bees they started making honey, way up in the trees I chopped down the tree but my honey's all gone ol' Slewfoot done been here and made himself at home (chorus) the winter's coming on now; it's forty below river's frozen over now, so where can he go? we chased him up the gully and corner'd him well and shot him in the bottom just to listen to him yell (chorus) |
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02 Nov 08 - 06:04 PM (#2482752) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Big Mick From one old country boy to the next, I would recommend a load of rock salt in the ass of that misguided bruin. If that don't work, then I would tell you that a bear skin rug makes a very nice floor covering........ shit ...... forgot where I was at ....... let me get my hat ....... |
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02 Nov 08 - 06:13 PM (#2482763) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Georgiansilver If you want to know how to treat a bear... this is how!!!!! |
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02 Nov 08 - 06:17 PM (#2482766) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bobert, iffen yer gonna SHOOT that b'ar use a 12 gauge with them big ol' slugs in it -- and one of them semi-autos with the plug out so's you can shoot and keep shootin'. Anything less is just gonna make that b'ar mad, and then the b'ar is gonna take it out on you. And YOU might be Mighty Mister Macho King Of The Hill his own self but that b'ar is gonna make you into confetti afore'n it dies. Damned UGLY confetti, too. Kin I have the rug from the skin? |
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02 Nov 08 - 06:25 PM (#2482778) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert Sorry, G-Silver, but I like B-Micks idea alot better than gettin' into a fist fight with this bear... The only problem I have with the rock salt is that ya' gotta clean yer gun right after usin' it... Think I'll just give him a load of #7 shot... And if that doesn't bother him then the punkin ball can't be too far behind... But seriously, I'd hate to have to shoot the sumabich... I'm purdy sure I know this bear and, geeze, he's probably more misunderstood than anything... Now deer??? I shoot them like pop bottles... B~ |
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02 Nov 08 - 08:50 PM (#2482897) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bobert, if you got a 12 gauge you might consider using them "bird bomb" shells. The ones that shoot a cherry bomb at the critter. They don't hurt 'em none but it does scare the cra...stuffing out of them and make 'em retreat. Biologists up in Alaska and the Arctic use 'em to scare bears off, and if it'll work on the polar bear or a grizzly it'll work on that poor little black bear that's botherin' you. Yer local gun store might have them shells. They're pricey, but hey, if you don't have ta kill it, skin it, dress it out, butcher it, and eat it.... |
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02 Nov 08 - 10:52 PM (#2482963) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: topical tom Ebbie: LOL! Good one! |
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03 Nov 08 - 07:55 AM (#2483149) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert Well, Rap... I have the Wes Ginny version of the "bird bomb"... They called bottle rockets 'cept I don't use no bottle... I just use my hand for a launcher... I've got it down purdy good so that if the rocket don't mess up I can usually get the thing into a herd of deer 200 feet away when it goes "Bang"... Now that is good, clean fun... But, yeah, I have a 12 guage (Winchester Model 1300 Featherweight pump)... I figured that if things get to testy between my and Mr. Bear then a punkin ball outta it might get me a nice bear skin rug... (You wouldn't shoot that bear, would ya, Bobert???) Well, let me put it this way... It would tear me up to shoot the bear but between engagine in hand-to-hand combat with him and pulling the trigger, I'm pickin' the trigger, thank you... B~ |
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03 Nov 08 - 07:57 AM (#2483151) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Paul Burke But is the Poop a Catholic? |
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03 Nov 08 - 09:10 AM (#2483216) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bobert, Ol' Dan'l Boone and other folks who passed that way used ta hunt b'ars with a big ol' knife. They'd light inta the b'ar an' go at it. Saved powder an' ball. 'Course, the other folks who passed that way usually passed that way, iffen ya git ma drift. So iffen ya feel ya gotta shoot 'em, stand back an' aim straight an' keep shootin' until the suckers down and then shoot some more. Holes in the rug kin be patched up, holes in you are another story. |
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03 Nov 08 - 10:23 AM (#2483292) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: GUEST,Donegal Danny Catspaw reminds me of one Seumas Montgomery, who is recorded as saying, "I only ever shite once a month ... I don't go anywhere that day". One time a farmer saw what he thought was a pile of lime lying unused, and asked could he buy it; "Ah, maybe there's not so much lime there as ye'd think". |
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03 Nov 08 - 03:16 PM (#2483588) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Gurney 'Dear Mr. Ursus, We are in receipt of your deposit of the 31st....' Good luck, mate. The worst we get is next-door's dog barking. Her Indoors thought it would be lovely if we lived among the wildlife like that. I gave her one of my looks. |
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03 Nov 08 - 03:54 PM (#2483635) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Well, Gurney, I live in a city of about 56,000 people. So far this year we've had mountain lions, bears, elk, moose, and deer wander around, including three lions on the campus of the University. This doesn't include stuff like skunks and porcupines and other little critters. |
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03 Nov 08 - 04:49 PM (#2483708) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Sorcha Coons, possums, wild turkeys, deer......a lion was 'sighted' a mile from town, but never showed up again. A lion WAS killed near a Scottsbluff elementry school last year....IN a town of 15,000! (Bluffs is 30 miles from me). Can we count those !@#$%! grackles and starlings? Damm poopy birds. So far no moose, elk or bear.....had a bear down on the river a while back. He kept going. |
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03 Nov 08 - 06:09 PM (#2483820) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Had an email from the city a while back thanking everyone who helped remove the dead cow from the river.... |
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03 Nov 08 - 06:39 PM (#2483863) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert Yeah, dead cows in the river is bad enough but it's the live ones who have access to our streams and rivers who concern me alot more... And we wonder why the Chesepeake Bay is so sick??? Did anyone ever think that we don't need tens upon thousands of tons of cow manure adding nitogen and other nasties to the water??? Now as fir getting in a knive fight with Mr. Bear, Rap??? That's right up there with getting into a fist fight with the sumabbich... Ain't gonna happen... My Winchester holds 3 shots (4 if you break the law) and I think three 12 guage punkin balls in Mr. Bear is about all the lead that he can use... But good news... He didn't come 'round last night that we know of so manybe we ain't gonna have to have no altercation at all... That would be nice... B~ |
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03 Nov 08 - 06:47 PM (#2483874) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bobert, iffen I was you and I had to fight a bear I'd bring the heaviest firepower I could to the fist fight. Yeah, I know that shootin' an unarmed fella is unfair, but I'd want a 12 gauge, a .338, a machine gun, and several hand grenades just in case I couldn't shoot straight. And then I'd get serious! |
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03 Nov 08 - 10:33 PM (#2484022) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bee-dubya-ell As a general rule, I do not care much for handguns, but if a bear was shittin' on my porch I'd be shellin' out for one of these. Bears is what .44 mags was made to shoot, not people. |
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03 Nov 08 - 10:35 PM (#2484023) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Gurney Dear Mr. Rapaire, please don't fall out with me. |
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04 Nov 08 - 09:44 AM (#2484395) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Big Mick Yep, Bee dub, that is precisely what the old .44 is made for. In the springtime, for the opening of trout season in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan ( we call that the UP hereabouts, but I spelled it out fer my friends across the various ponds of water) that is what I carry just in case some bruin up there decides it wants to tangle with the Mick whilst he is tricking the trout. That .44 will make them do a 2 and a 1/2 backflip with a tuck. I also carry a foghorn (aerosol can with a horn for use by boats), and now some bear strength pepper spray. I would prefer not to have to shoot the animal, but if they are determined to wrassle, then they are wrasslin' with the Ruger. Bobert, you might want to try the pepper spray. If you can make that critter associate your house with the nasty burning eye thing, he just might steer clear. Speaking of the UP, most of you know that the Mackinac Bridge separates the upper peninsula of Michigan from the lower peninsula (the part that looks like a mitten) of Michigan. Do you know what the Yoopers (UP'ers) call folks from the lower peninsula? Trolls. That's because they live below the bridge. Damn turkeys are like rats around here. Mick |
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04 Nov 08 - 03:11 PM (#2484803) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: EBarnacle Mick, Thanksgiving is a'comin'in. If yer gonna go arter him proper, why not do slug loads in your shotgun? The point is to stop Ursus, not annoy him. |
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04 Nov 08 - 03:28 PM (#2484823) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Mick, a .456 Casull'll have more stopping power than a .44 mag. But if it was MY butt on the line I'd like one of these or maybe one of these. Messin' with bears I want a one-shot stop solution. |
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04 Nov 08 - 03:47 PM (#2484836) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bee-dubya-ell Dang, Rap, the object is to stop the critter in his tracks if necessary, not to turn him into bear-fetti. |
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04 Nov 08 - 03:49 PM (#2484837) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bee-Dubya, I've always felt that if was him or me I'd druther it was him. |
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04 Nov 08 - 03:50 PM (#2484838) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee ('Course, I also believe with all my heart what my brother once said: If you need even ONE bullet you probably shouldn't be there.) |
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05 Nov 08 - 04:29 AM (#2485362) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Liz the Squeak "but it does scare the cra...stuffing out of them " Surely the object of the exercise is to prevent him defecating on the decking, not adding to the pile?! LTS |
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05 Nov 08 - 08:10 AM (#2485492) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Well, that would be Bobert's problem now, wouldn't it? I'm just a-tryin' ta help the ol' boy out. (grin, grin) |
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05 Nov 08 - 05:15 PM (#2485997) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Gurney Defecating on the decking? Isn't that a line from 'The Good Ship Venus?' |
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05 Nov 08 - 10:32 PM (#2486204) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: EBarnacle Of course it is: There's Fecal else to do! |
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05 Nov 08 - 10:49 PM (#2486215) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee The bear just misunderstood: Bobert had said, "Just leave the bowl on the porch when you're done." |
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06 Nov 08 - 04:16 AM (#2486315) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Liz the Squeak Be grateful he didn't knock on your window and ask for a magazine! LTS |
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06 Nov 08 - 08:00 AM (#2486435) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Bobert Well, 4 days and no more bear poop or even evidence that he's been hangin' 'round... Knock on wood... B~ |
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06 Nov 08 - 09:23 AM (#2486521) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Bobert, why you want to keep bangin' yerself on the haid? |
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06 Nov 08 - 10:06 AM (#2486553) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Ebbie Bobert, not to worry you or nuthin', but when I worked at a wilderness lodge and there were a lot of bears round about, the bears had a pattern. We could practically track them: One would come through, hourly checking out the honey/butter sauce that slathered the wild salmon steaks and which collected in the outdoor fire pit for several, perhaps three, days and then travel on, as the next one would arrive. Your bear may just be travellin'. |
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06 Nov 08 - 03:04 PM (#2486810) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Big Mick Rap, I don't carry the shotgun cuz I am up there fishing, and the cover is pretty dense, and it would be a pain in the arse, and...... whatever else I can come up with. As I said, the pistol is just a final precaution. I try and scare the critter away, hit them with the spray, etc. But if'n its a mama bruin wi' cubs up a nearby tree,.... well, you know. Mick |
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06 Nov 08 - 09:26 PM (#2487089) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Rapparee Well, Mick, if you take an old side-by-double barrel (a "two-pipe") and kinda shorten the barrel and the stock and do a little filing to smooth things off, why it can be just as convenient as a pistol. Of course, you might possibly maybe perhaps have a little tiny spot of trouble with the Law Enforcement Authorities about it, but I'm certain that once you explained they'd probably be okay with it, maybe. |
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07 Nov 08 - 03:56 AM (#2487263) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Liz the Squeak Why don't they just make short barrelled shotguns? Everyone just saws those suckers off anyhoo! LTS |
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07 Nov 08 - 05:07 AM (#2487306) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Paul Burke Liz, you could combine this thread with your hugs thread, and get a hug to last a lifetime... |
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07 Nov 08 - 05:10 AM (#2487310) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Liz the Squeak Hmmm.. I like the idea of bare hugs.... LTS And yes, I did check my spelling. :) |
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07 Nov 08 - 03:44 PM (#2487887) Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi..... From: Big Mick I have one waiting for you, Liz...... **chuckle** Mick |
