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22 Dec 08 - 04:17 AM (#2521986) Subject: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: John MacKenzie Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Here's looking at you Spaw. ¦¬] |
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22 Dec 08 - 04:45 AM (#2522015) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: Dave Hanson I don't give a shit who you are fatso, GET THEM FUCKING REINDEER OFF MY ROOF. eric |
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22 Dec 08 - 08:07 AM (#2522123) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: catspaw49 Nice one Giok! Spaw |
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22 Dec 08 - 08:07 AM (#2522124) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: GUEST,LTS pretending to work What? All this and you STILL want an announcement in 'The Jewish Chronicle'?! LTS |
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22 Dec 08 - 08:23 AM (#2522134) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: Georgiansilver It was Christmas Eve and Father Christmas had almost finished making all the toys for the girls and boys... but suddenly realised he had run out of glue.. One of the elves was dispatched to get some but by the time he arrived it was almost time for Santa to leave so he was under great pressure to get the toys made. The last toy finished, he loaded his sack on the sleigh but it tore as he did and many of the toys spilled over onto the ground. He instructed an elf to fetch a new sack and he filled it with the toys and was again ready to go. As he put the sack on the sleigh, one of the runners collapsed and the whole thing tipped over, spilling the toys again onto the ground. He instructed the elves to fix it and reload whilst he went for a coffee with Mrs Clause. "Coffee... we haven't any" she said. "OK I'll have tea then" said Santa...."We have no tea either so you will have to make do with water" said Mrs Clause. Santa was now totally stressed and worried about his forthcoming trip... when a knock came at his front door. He opened the door and an Angel stood there. "Where would you like your tree Santa"? Hence came forth the tradition of putting an Angel on top of the Christmas tree at Christmas!!!!!!!! |
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22 Dec 08 - 11:54 AM (#2522196) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: John MacKenzie Christmas Balloon Dance |
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22 Dec 08 - 01:01 PM (#2522248) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: Uncle_DaveO "Santa Claus Is A Woman" I think Santa Claus is a woman..... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man: -Men can't pack a bag -Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. -Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. -Men don't answer their mail -Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful full of jelly" -Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them -Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. -Finally, being responsible for Christmas every year would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men..... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is... I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy! |
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23 Dec 08 - 12:18 AM (#2522702) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: open mike Fruit Cake Ingredients 1 cup water 1 cup sugar 4 large eggs 2 cup dried fruit 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts 1 gallon whiskey Instructions Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway? |
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23 Dec 08 - 01:51 AM (#2522716) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: ragdall Turkey with Popcorn stuffing mix 8-15 pd turkey |
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23 Dec 08 - 06:44 AM (#2522840) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Jokes thread From: bubblyrat Hey !! Open Mike !! That's very funny ! It reminds me very much of a sketch in "Mad Magazine" many years ago, where Robinson Crusoe is unloading cargo from the shipwreck,and rowing it ashore,but keeps saying " And then I took a cup of rum ",until it becomes " I cupped another rum of took" and so on. I bet you remember that too !!...not that I mind ( What? Me worry?). |