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04 Jul 99 - 04:18 PM (#92348) Subject: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. New Summer Story: (Sound of Waltzing Matilda being strained through a Cuisinart). Scene -- London. "Send him in Moneypenny, if you can get your tongue out of his ear." "Mmfh", replied the intercom. Moments later Bond entered, shaken not stirred. "Hallo, upper case m., What's up?" "Bond, if you spent more time paying attention to world affairs, and less at the gaming tables, you would know what was, as you so horribly put it, up." Bond put himself on his best behaviour briefly. "Bands, Bond." "Bands, sir?" He gave his eyebrows that Sean Connery quizzical look. Women fainted in Zanzibar. "Bands, Bond. We believe that the Americans are about to invade Australia under cover of marching bands." "Omigod, upper case m.!" "Obviously, GHQ and HMSO are PO'd about this, being NATO and ASEAN, and the rest. Do you think you could sort all this out without too much quizzicalness?" "Yes, Sir. Where do I start?" "You start in Australia. In a town called Possum." "Anything else I need to know, upper case m.?" "Yes, Bond, there is one thing. We have it on the highest authority that ......" |
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04 Jul 99 - 04:30 PM (#92351) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Duckboots ....Australia is a very long way from here, and because of budget cuts you'll be flying tourist class. It was either that, or put Hogan on the case. He's already there you know. |
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04 Jul 99 - 04:37 PM (#92352) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: catspaw49 Bond knew a better way.
"Operator, put me through to Catherine the Great." Less than 4 hours later he was winging his way on Qantas. |
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04 Jul 99 - 04:44 PM (#92354) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. Bond narrowed his eyes. Women fainted in Iceland. "Are you suggesting, upper case m., that Mudcat Dundee is going to be my local contact?Migod, Sir." "Can't be helped, Bond." shrugged upper case m. "Liason with the disgusting colonies, that sort of thing." Upper case m smiled. "However, we do have some compensations for you, Bond." He flicked on the intercom. "Moneypenny, if you have recovered, could you send.... |
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04 Jul 99 - 04:49 PM (#92355) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. (all this recent past history came flooding back into Bond's mind as he sat hunched over in tourist class) |
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04 Jul 99 - 05:36 PM (#92372) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: AllisonA(Animaterra) Just then a thought struck him. He struck back. After a brief tussle Bond emerged unscathed from beneath his seat. Staring down at him was a pair of deep brown eyes like limpid pools of.... whatever limpid pools are made of. Coffee or tea sir?" she purred. Bond frowned at the flight attendant. Women fainted in Toronto. "Don't you have anything stronger than that?" "Certainly, sir. Wallaby?" After a bewildered pause, he ordered a bottle of Toowoomba Red. Glass in hand, he picked up his cell phone. "Cath, is that you? Yes, love, no questions now. Get me Possum Air Tours- and quick!" As he hung up, he looked over his glass to the seat in front of him, where to his chagrin he saw... |
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04 Jul 99 - 05:41 PM (#92374) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: AllisonA(Animaterra) (Brief pause for a bit of thread creep) I just had to let you all know that while doing a brief web search for an Australian winery I found that there really is a company in Queensland called Possum Air Tours!! It seems forordained..... Possum Air Tours |
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04 Jul 99 - 05:49 PM (#92377) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. [o, god., Animaterra! Anyway....] Upper case Q! "Upper case Q? What are you doing here?" "Bond, what are you doing in tourist class?" "Catherine paid for my upgrade in rubles!" snarled Bond."But, Q, what are you doing here?" "You left in such a hurry Bond, you didn't give us time to show you the toys we have for your latest adventure." Q reached over to his briefcase, and pulled out..... |
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04 Jul 99 - 05:56 PM (#92379) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: AllisonA(Animaterra) A boomerang, a didgereedoo, and a strange wooden object about 5 inches long, a bit thicker than a man's thumb, with small knobs at each end. "What's this?" asked Bond. "We don't know" replied Q, but we think it holds the key to your ultimate confrontation". Just then Bond's cell phone beeped. "Cath- did you get hold of Possum Air? You go, girl..er, woman! Put them on for me, would you?" He paused, then gasped as he heard the voice on the line. A voice he hadn't heard in years. A voice that resembled nothing so much as... |
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04 Jul 99 - 05:56 PM (#92380) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: katlaughing the Vice-Regent of Possum. "A pompous ass", thought Bond, to himself, although the aura of his thoughts hung like a cattle rustler's ghost rider in the sky. Women on the plane fainted one after another like dominoes. The VC squinted his eyes and peered closer at Bond. "Oh, hallo! What say, old chum? Coming out to have a bit of the outback with us are you?" (The VC was NOT from Oz; he was an "old boy", one of Bond's dreaded old schoolmates.) Just as Bond was about to answer with a swift retort (is there any other kind?), the plane gave a lurch and suddenly tilted sharply to the right, throwing a beautiful redheaded woman onto Bond's lap, where she didn't faint. |
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04 Jul 99 - 06:02 PM (#92382) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: The Shambles an ocarina shaped like a possum. Bond did not ask Q why he was wiping it, or why it had a little piece of string hinging from it, as he knew that Q was going to tell him all about it anyway. "This little piece of string" said Q, " Is for |
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04 Jul 99 - 06:29 PM (#92392) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. trying to hold the story together, against the lurching of the plane and the Internet". Upper case q frowned. "By the way, Bond," continued upper case q, "who is that woman on your lap?" She smiled. "My name is Possy Galore." Men reached into the overhead space and pulled down oxygen masks, put them over their faces, and began to breathe in the prescribed manner. |
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04 Jul 99 - 07:11 PM (#92407) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: bseed(charleskratz) If I can stop choking from laughter, I'll try to post to this thing (written hopefully, concerned about the sudden death of so many of the threads I've assaulted). Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Bond, in the first class pottie (allowed to use it not because he possessed a first class ticket, but because, like his father, he was eight feet tall), SonofJaws stroked a finger gently along the edges of his stainless teeth. A thin line of blood the full length of his finger assured him the teeth were in fine fettle, whatever that means. He sucked on the finger for a moment, savoring the taste of his own blood and dreaming about Bond's... |
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05 Jul 99 - 09:21 AM (#92522) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: The Shambles (Meanwhile.) At the world headquarters of (The) PARTY Of SINISTER SMILING UNBALANCED MEGLO-MANIACS. (A close up of ) A small stunted hand, with many golden rings, strokes the albino wombat on his lap and a rasping voice is heard to say........ |
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05 Jul 99 - 09:44 AM (#92525) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. "Have you seen the Times this morning, Ms. Legsandbumsanova?" Tatiana thrust her epee through her muscled opponent, and came back to rest. Lackeys came and dragged the corpse away, as she dabbed the sweat off her finely honed Russian muscles. "No, devushka, I have not." The rasping voice attempted a seductive purr. "It seems our Mr. Bond has been sent out by the Prime Minister to help the strained relationship between America and Australia." He held up the headline: BANNED BANDS BIND BENDS BONDS: BOND BOUND He laid it down, the fold revealing the crossword done in pen. "Ms. L., I think it is time for you to go down under." "But we have already done that twice today; and besides, your marsupial is tired." Meanwhile, back in the First Class bathroom on a QANTAS jet somewhere over the Pacific.... |
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05 Jul 99 - 12:40 PM (#92568) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: LEJ Bond expertly unsnapped Miss Galore's push-up bra."I am extremely grateful," whispered Bond," that there is room for the four of us in here..." His lips caressed her smooth shoulder. He noticed, in passing, a delicate tattoo of a koala bear with a patch over it's eye."Are you," hummed Bond, " some sort of a naturalist with an interest in optometry?" She groaned in satisfaction, her elbow inadvertently triggering the commode button. "Ah,"exhaled Bond,"flushed with passion." LEJ |
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05 Jul 99 - 04:22 PM (#92625) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: bseed(charleskratz) "Fascinating," thought SonofJaws as he plummeted earthward, as had his father before him, "who'd have thought an eight foot, four hundred pound man could have passed through the plumbing of an airplane commode, even in the first class section? I guess I'm being punished for forgetting the first thing my mother ever taught me: 'Always put down the toilet seat after use.'" Just before a rather difficult landing on earth, SonofJaws mused, "I wonder why James Bond looked so unlike my daddy described him? I was expecting a bit of a woose..." --seed |
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05 Jul 99 - 04:50 PM (#92637) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. And then surprisingly, Son of Jaws did not hit the earth at all, but splashed into the vast Pacific, narrowly missing a coral island. The wave from his splash rocked the S.S. Possum, some distance away. Son of Jaws smiled glintily, and began swimming in the general direction of the tramp steamer, simultaneously restarting his theme music. There would be a rematch between him and Bond soon enough. Meanwhile, hurtling high above, Bond and Possy were finishing off their entrance requirements to the mile high club. Many frequent flier points ahead of them, a battered looking Subaru owner was sitting in the Daisy Bates Memorial Stadium, listening to the famed Oz Marching Band, the Rolfing Harrises, practicing their stirring Olympic entry: "If you change your mind, I'll be first in line; I'll be upstairs free; take a chance on me...." Sitting beside him on the sands, chewing a frozen dingo, was..... |
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05 Jul 99 - 05:03 PM (#92641) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: The Shambles Hiroshi Ogura, a very heavy wrestling type of gentleman. With his free hand he reached into his steel lined bowler hat, to answer his mobile. "Hello" he said...... |
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05 Jul 99 - 05:28 PM (#92646) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: LEJ "Hiroshi..." hissed the sinister voice. Ogura immediately recognized the nasal tones of his old employer."Dr. Geltdigit?" There was a crackle of static, then "Yes, Hiroshi.Go to gate LL of the arena. A short man carrying a sawed-off digiridoo will say to you this;' The wombat shuns combat.' you must answer 'but a Roo will pummel you." After this he will place a Midnight Oil CD in your hand. The liner notes contain the number of a Swiss bank account in your name.200,000 English Pounds have been placed in that account." "Thank you," said Ogura. "Wait," snarled Geltdigit," there will also be instructions on when and where to intercept a certain interloper, a British Agent named Bond." Ogura grinned. He had an old score to settle with James Bond, and he might have done the deed gratis.Placing the Bowler back atop his head, he... |
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07 Jul 99 - 11:14 AM (#93104) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. sat back to watch the show.
At that precise moment, in a tippytop secret facility, deep in the Mojave Desert.... |
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07 Jul 99 - 12:59 PM (#93135) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Den meanwhile far out on the pacific. Things were not passive. The tramp steamer lurched against the shock waves...caused by the great marching band blast. Sonofjaws held tightly to the anchor chain and pulled himself on board the tramp steamer where he was greeted by a shabbily dressed man. |
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07 Jul 99 - 01:25 PM (#93149) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Steve Latimer 'Glad ta meet ya mate,' bellowed the gnarled ancient Aussie seaman. "Platypus is the name, William Platypus." SonofJaws was just about to introduce himself when shots rang over the bow. "Duck Bill Platypus" he shouted and hurled himself to the deck... |
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07 Jul 99 - 01:40 PM (#93154) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. [today's marsupial joke award to steve!!!] |
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07 Jul 99 - 02:56 PM (#93173) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Den When the smoke cleared Sonofjaws picked himself up of the deck and assisted Mr Platypus to his feet. "Sorry about that I was just cleaning it and it went off," the voice belonged to another untidy man who emerged from the cabin. Sonofjaws could not help but notice the crew of this tramp steamer were an unkempt bunch to say the least. "I'd like you to meet first mate Fenn", said Platypus. "Sean Fenn, ex-Irish revolutionary, We couldn't find a part for him in the Irish Tale or any of its off shoots". Sonofjaws stared into the eyes of the man named Fenn. He new he'd seen this man before but where, where... |
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10 Jul 99 - 10:20 AM (#93923) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Peter T. Back on the plane, upper case q looked somewhat miffed. "You've taken your time coming back, Bond." Bond smiled, unruffled. Women in Tasmania lay down for half an hour. "Possy' s 'bilities are endless, upper case q." Q almost understood. Bond sat beside him on the aisle row. "Now look Bond, we have rigged up some specialities for you this time around, so pay attention." Q opened up a long case. "This is an Appalachian dulcimer, first used by the Hatfields and the McCoys. " Q pressed on the 3rd fret. The muzzle of a rifle popped out from the end. "Range of about 300 yards, Bond." Q reached down, and pulled out a trapezoidal shaped instrument. "Not to be confused with a standard dulcimer." Bond reached over to pluck the strings. "For God's sake, Bond, don't. This is a vibration bomb. Pluck the strings in the following sequence" -- Q did this in the air -- "and it will explode. There are also these little hammers" -- Q pulled out two hammers --" Strike it with these, and in addition to an explosion, a fire bomb will shoot fire in all directions. Useful for scattering musicologists." Q reached into the overhead compartment again, and pulled down another two cases. He opened the first case, and pulled out an accordion. "This is an accordion, Bond." "What's special about that?" "Nothing, Bond. It's just a deadly weapon." Q opened the final case. He smiled. Bond looked down. Even he was impressed. In the case lay.... |
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10 Jul 99 - 12:53 PM (#93941) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Night Owl a very old handcarved wooden Limberjack, complete with its dance floor. And there, sitting on the Limberjack's stomach was..... |
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10 Jul 99 - 01:13 PM (#93945) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: katlaughing A black, shiny belly button. "Ah, ah, ah! Bond! Don't touch!" warned upper case q. "You are looking at our latest in microchip virus propogators. One tiny brush against it and you would be dead before you could take another breath!" Having said that, upper case q reached over and carefully placed a small cap over the Button of Death. |
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10 Jul 99 - 01:39 PM (#93950) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: The Shambles But Bond, being an ex commander, knew all about navel encounters and.... |
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10 Jul 99 - 05:29 PM (#93989) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: LEJ decided that everything was ship-shape. It was at this moment that he heard the syruppy tones of the Stewardess, as she placed a warm hand on Bond's thigh."Is yours the meat?" she cooed. Bond was non-plussed momentarily, then she said"Your dinner..you wanted the meat? You look like a man who enjoys his leg of lamb.."Bond smiled, pouring a glass of the Toombawomba Shirah."Oh, indeed," said Bond,"and I must say yours is giving me quite an appetite." She placed the covered dish on his tray table. She turned to upper case Q "and yours would be the vegetarian." She passed Q the dish, who uncovered it to reveal a vegemite souffle' garnished with eucalyptus leaves.Bond opened his dish. It was not leg of lamb. It was... |
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10 Jul 99 - 07:26 PM (#94010) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: Den it was not even food. Lying in the centre of the food tray was a small grey plastic case. Bond glanced at upper case Q and raised an eyebrow slightly. Women everywhere felt light headed. |
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10 Jul 99 - 08:25 PM (#94022) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: bseed(charleskratz) "If you want the meat, honey," the stewardess whispered in his ear, "meet me in the first class potty." Bond blew her a kiss, causing the nuns int the monastery seven miles below to experience multiple orgasms. The flight attendant walked to the potty but was distressed to find it unoccupied. "Oh, crap," she muttered. "Where in hell is SonofJaws? Do I have to kill Bond myself?" Just then the door opened and Bond appeared. "Would you care to fondle my dancing lumberjack?" he whispered, removing the cover that uppercase q had placed over the doll's navel... |
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11 Jul 99 - 01:07 AM (#94063) Subject: RE: A Town Like Possum From: WyoWoman Meanwhile, back at PARTY Of SINISTER SMILING UNBALANCED MEGLO-MANIACS' headquarters, the exhausted marsupial perked up and .... |