BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!

29 Nov 09 - 11:41 AM (#2776086)
Subject: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

I am deeply disturbed about the fact that some people keep referring to Santa Claus as an Elf. It's outrageous. He is a fat human with round ears and way too much facial hair...or perhaps he is a dwarf afflicted with giantism (if that's even possible), but he in no way resembles an Elf.

This is what an Elf looks like:

A male Elf

Does Santa Claus look anything like that? Hell no. If he were an Elf, he'd be considered a freak of some kind, an embarrassment and an offence to the entire noble race of Elves.

It's shocking. How long must we put up with these inane Christmas songs and blurbs that call Santa Claus a "jolly old elf" when he is nothing of the sort? Enough of this, I say!

Again, this is what an Elf looks like:

Arwen in battle mode

And, no, they do not toil in service of WalMart, nor will they come down your chimney on Christmas Eve and leave you an X-box or a new blender. Uh-uh. They have much better things to do than that.

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29 Nov 09 - 11:50 AM (#2776093)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Ebbie

OK, that was interesting. Striking (no pun intended) beings. But without scale it is difficult to know their size. Can you provide that?

As for Santa, do you have any pictures of him earlier than those given by the Night Before Christmas author? Make your case, man.

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29 Nov 09 - 12:03 PM (#2776101)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

I have it on good authority that most Elves are quite tall. The adult Elves generally range from about 5'10" to 6'3" as far as I know. They are generally slender in appearance and have long hair. They do not favour facial hair. In fact, I don't think male Elves normally even have facial hair. They are extraordinarily long-lived and maintain a youthful appearance for hundreds of years. An Elf can easily live 800 to 1,000 years, but since life presents many hazards, Elves are more likely to eventually meet some tragic or heroic end in battle or misadventure than to die of old age...and they probably prefer it that way.

Now, Santa....Santa Claus is a pretty bizarre phenomenon, and I am quite suspicious about his origins. I think that like Lassie or Trigger or Rin Tin Tin, Santa Claus may have been played over the years by a whole series of actors who all look more or less alike, and that those actors have been hacks and rejects picked out by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, and that the whole thing is a total fraud for the purpose of selling product.

Check out this shocking photo:

Would you trust this guy with your kids?

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29 Nov 09 - 12:05 PM (#2776102)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: WalkaboutsVerse

Poem 224 of 230: THE NATIVITY

Vis-à-vis S.C.,
    I prefer to see
Christian children's glee
    When they play-out the
Coming of J.C. -
    The Nativity.

(C) David Franks 2003
From http://blogs.myspace.com/walkaboutsverse (e-book)
Or http://walkaboutsverse.sitegoz.com (e-scroll)

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29 Nov 09 - 12:08 PM (#2776106)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: MGM·Lion

Those were certainly very beautiful young people shown in your links: but I have never come across any such in the employ of our celebrated National Elf Service.

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29 Nov 09 - 12:37 PM (#2776115)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Wow. Very well done films, Gargoyle. Now that I am aware of the Lappland connection, the whole thing is becoming much clearer. Santa Claus is really a ravening beast...but a beast that can be tamed if one knows how. Those Lappland hunters are a bit like Elves themselves, though like most humans they are not as well groomed as Elves. They're very well versed in self-discipline, though, and that's good. Elves tend to be more cheerful than that and to smile more than those guys do. You have to be cheerful if you're going to live for up to a thousand years at at stretch or you'd never make it through. Elves don't get depressed. They get sad sometimes, but they don't get depressed. An Elf verging on depression is an Elf who finds something positive to do instead.

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29 Nov 09 - 01:30 PM (#2776152)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Rapparee

Oh, LH, you're spouting a crock. You've succumbed to the propaganda of the People-Elf Treaty Alliance (PETA). What you have pictured are actually pictures of Vulcans (pure bred ones, not half-breeds like Spock).

Elves are about .5 meters tall (at the most), use cosmetically pointed ears (their ears are actually much like ours, only larger), have either skin tinted either blue or green, and the pupils of their eyes are vertical, like a rattlesnake's. The bite from their pointed teeth is poisonous and can, in children, the elderly, and those with suppressed immune systems, be fatal. Hygiene is not among their strong points and you can usually detect them by their odor long before you can see them.

"Good" elves are an oxymoron: they are simply setting a trap for humans, whom they consider an excellent food source.

The elven races include pixies, gnomes, kobalds, gremlins, brownies, fairies and tommyknockers. Dwarfs, leprechauns, cluricans, trolls, banshees, pookas, the costa bar, poltergeists, and the rest are NOT elves and should never be confused with the evil little creatures.

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29 Nov 09 - 01:53 PM (#2776169)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Oh, for heaven's sake. What a classic case of misdirection, Rapaire. Sure, I'm aware of those little beings you are referring to, and they have been colloquially called "Elves" by people who don't know any better. It's a misnomer. It's like when people called the inhabitants of North America "Indians", because Columbus thought he'd reached Asia. North American Indians aren't really Indians but people have gotten used to calling them Indians. It's the same with those so-called "Elves" you are referring to.

Real Elves are taller on the average than humans, they have somewhat pointed ears, and they are very good looking and regal in appearance. Their morality is of such a high level that someone from Pocatello would be as a shambling subhuman in comparison to them, and would probably feel very uncomfortable in their presence, sensing for the first time what a primitive and wretched lifeform he really was.

Yes, I know all about pixies, gnomes, kobalds, gremlins, brownies, fairies and tommyknockers. They're interesting little creatures, and people do refer to them mistakely as "Elves", but they are not Elves at all.

The Elves are divided into subgroups known as Dark Elves or Dunmers (dark-skinned), Wood Elves or Bosmers(mid-tone skin color), and High Elves or Altmers (pale skin).

The High Elves are said to be the elder race of the three and they have the most complex culture in some respects. The Wood Elves are superb archers, even moreso than other Elves.

They are no longer found at all on this world. They once did inhabit it, but they now live on another world in a parallel dimension, having left this one to be ruined by men. Therefore they are no threat whatsoever to humans...nor to anyone who doesn't threaten them first, I might add. There have been longstanding disagreements between Elves and Orcs, but that is not your concern.

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29 Nov 09 - 01:55 PM (#2776170)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Ebbie

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What to believe? Who to believe? I request evidence, I demand evidence.

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29 Nov 09 - 02:04 PM (#2776172)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Will Fly

Coincidentally I was watching Miracle on 34th Street on UK TV this afternoon. The evidence is conclusive: Edmund Gwenn IS Santa Claus!

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29 Nov 09 - 02:51 PM (#2776196)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Rapparee

There is plenty of evidence, if LH would only open his eyes and comprehend what he sees.

Take, as two examples of many, the work of Sigmund von und zu Clostenhans in Germany, Scandinavia and the Balkans; or A. J. D. (he prefers to go by his initials as he is working on a Ph. D. in Chemistry at this time, which will be his fourth) on the comparison between the "hidden folk" of West Central Illinois and those of Northern and shoreline Delaware.

No, Santa Claus is NOT an elf. But neither are those who you claim to be.

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29 Nov 09 - 03:09 PM (#2776215)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Well, at least we agree that Santa Claus is not an Elf. That's a start.

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29 Nov 09 - 03:36 PM (#2776233)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Mysha

Hi,

Let's see, what do we know about Santa?
* Elderly gentleman, obviously not a little baby boy just being born in a cave somewhere in the Levant;
* Comes around every Christmas, apparently not a dead Saint called Nicolas who is lying in his grave and awaiting the last day;
* travels by reindeer sleigh, not likely to be a Norse god travelling on an 8-legged horse, then.

Having eliminated the usual suspects, what else do we know:
If he were an elf, he would:
* be longlived;
* have a hoard of some kind;
* have magic that protected his hoard from ever diminishing;
* reward those who were kind;
* not have magic to open doors, and thus would need to find a different way to enter a house.

Difficult. Does Santa match any (or all) of the above?

BTW, don't forget elves existed long before Lord Dunsany wrote The King of Elfland's Daughter

Bye
                                                                Mysha

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29 Nov 09 - 04:01 PM (#2776241)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: gnu

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

There is it is.

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29 Nov 09 - 04:06 PM (#2776244)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: skarpi

Santa is not an Elf !!!!

He is a fat human with round ears and way too much facial hair...or perhaps he is a dwarf afflicted with giantism (if that's even possible), but he in no way resembles an Elf.

Oh he´s an Elf aright , no worry , but to fit in the human
dreams he have to change him self .

and Ebbie , I thought you had met some of them already :)
have good elf night Little Hawk and may you dream them
they are my friends ........

all the best Skarpi Iceland

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29 Nov 09 - 04:47 PM (#2776268)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Mrrzy

I thought he used to be an elf but now is human-sized, kinda with the obesity epidemic, he was already fat so could only grow...

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29 Nov 09 - 04:59 PM (#2776278)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: gnu

Human? How can he get down the chimney?

Don't you have any regard for the children?

Any child that still might not suspect it's all a ruse aimed at an attempt to quell dissention and misbehaviour could easily discern the deception proferred if such were touted.

Have you no regard for the adults which need said ruse to keep the little buggers calm and in line as the commercial machines whip them into a tempest during the most holy of seasons?

Next, I suppose you'll be allowing them to open "just one present" before the holiest of days. Ja***!

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29 Nov 09 - 05:03 PM (#2776281)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Oh, I AM a dangerous subversive, aren't I, gnu? ;-) Next I'll be suggesting that there is no point in voting for either the Republicans OR the Democrats!

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29 Nov 09 - 05:23 PM (#2776291)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: JennieG

What gender is the elf? So far all evidence seems to point to male only. Are there female elfettes? If not, how is the elven line carried on for the future?

Cheers
JennieG

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29 Nov 09 - 05:25 PM (#2776292)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: gnu

I do not consider you dangerous in the least.

Young children might.

After all, it's all about the children, innit?

Think of the children.

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29 Nov 09 - 05:37 PM (#2776301)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Well, gnu, I'm not suggesting Santa Claus doesn't exist...I'm suggesting he isn't an Elf. I don't think children really care whether or not he's an Elf, do they?

JennieG - You can't be serious. There have been many famous female Elves in stories about Middle Earth and other such tales and there's no such thing as an "Elfette". A male Elf is an Elf. A female Elf is an Elf. They're all Elves. And they live in total equality quite regardless of gender, so what's the point of designating a female Elf by some separate term like "Elfette" when she's already a fully-fledged Elf in the first place?

When a female Elf goes to war, she is often referred to as a shield-maiden, however, that being a special honor. Elves are particularly proud of their fighting shield-maidens, and it's a role taken up by a fair number of female Elves (perhaps 15 or 20 per cent of them) as a regular thing, and by all of them when it becomes a necessity. They are well versed in the use of weapons such as the sword, the dagger, the spear, and the bow.

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29 Nov 09 - 05:43 PM (#2776303)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: gnu

Ahhh... apparently, I don't know a lot about elves. In a way, I think that's a good thing.

Ho Ho Ho. See ya.

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29 Nov 09 - 05:57 PM (#2776317)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Neither do the people who call Santa a "jolly old elf". ;-)

I might mention that the female Elves who go to war are generally those who are unencumbered by various other domestic responsibilities (someone has to stay home to care for the children and keep the home fires burning, after all)...and who also have a particular aptitude and liking for the martial arts. All Elves learn the use of weapons and combat techniques while still in their youth, but a few of them develop a lifelong passion for it and become specialists, and it is from those few that the shield-maidens draw their numbers. It's an individual discipline, totally up to the individual. Elves do not have any hierarchy of rank, and no Elf must follow an order given by another, but some rise naturally to leadership due to the respect they've earned among their peers. In that case others will follow their lead with full confidence.

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29 Nov 09 - 06:18 PM (#2776330)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Ed T

Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story. Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.
Disgruntled Cobbler Elf: Lazy bum! Couldn't even make a clog!
Papa Elf: You can bake cookies in a tree. As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season. But the third job, some call it, uh, "the show" or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop. From Elf (2003)

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29 Nov 09 - 06:21 PM (#2776332)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Gaaaahhh!

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29 Nov 09 - 06:35 PM (#2776344)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Joe Offer

No question about it. He's a Nelf.

-Joe-

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29 Nov 09 - 07:21 PM (#2776365)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: JennieG

Ooohhhhhhh.......

Cheers
JennieG

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29 Nov 09 - 09:30 PM (#2776426)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: frogprince

"They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves."

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29 Nov 09 - 09:36 PM (#2776429)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Ed T

Trust your elf,
Trust your elf to do the things that only you know best
Trust your elf
Trust your elf to do what's right and not be second-guessed
Don't trust me to show you beauty
When beauty may only turn to rust
If you need somebody you can trust, trust your elf.

Trust your elf
Trust your elf to know the way that will prove true in the end
Trust your elf
Trust your elf to find the path where there is no if and when
Don't trust me to show you the truth
When the truth may only be ashes and dust
If you want somebody you can trust, trust your elf.

Well, you're on your own, you always were
In a land of wolves and thieves
Don't put your hope in ungodly man
Or be a slave to what somebody else believes.

Trust your elf
And you won't be disappointed when vain people let you down
Trust your elf
And look not for answers where no answers can be found
Don't trust me to show you love
When my love may be only lust
If you want somebody you can trust, trust your elf.

You, you got to trust your elf ....

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29 Nov 09 - 10:03 PM (#2776446)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Excellent, Ed! I would indeed trust my Elf.

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29 Nov 09 - 10:28 PM (#2776459)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Amergin

He's a dwarf who was taking certain products like extenze for male enhancement...and instead grew taller instead of larger....

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29 Nov 09 - 10:50 PM (#2776470)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

And fatter...

He should sue the producers of those products for false advertising.

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30 Nov 09 - 01:21 AM (#2776519)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: MGM·Lion

An important point not so far touched on is that elves, whatever their physical appearance, are not right bright. We have as authority for this two of the most authoritative of English writers whose word on any subject cannot be gainsaid. The great Alexander Pope asserted -

"I do not write for such dull elves
As have not a great deal of ingenuity themselves."

This was adduced by the incomparable Jane Austen in a letter to her sister about 'Pride & Prejudice':--" There are a few typical errors. A 'said he' or 'said she' would sometimes make the dialogue more immediately clear; but I do not write for such dull elves as have not a great deal of ingenuity in themselves."

Now the intelligence and ingenuity of Santa Claus (aka by the right- and elegantly-thinking by his true and original name, as in the Mummers' Play, of Father Christmas), as bringer of gifts to all, is surely undeniable. Further proof indeed that he is NOT an elf.

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30 Nov 09 - 02:06 AM (#2776524)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Ernest

No, Santa can`t be an Elf. If you go out to do your christmas shopping you will see that he has been cloned umpteen times.

So Santa is not an Elf. He`s thousands of them!

;0)
Ernest

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30 Nov 09 - 03:04 AM (#2776543)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Dave Hanson

Does he use the National Elf Service then ?

Dave H

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30 Nov 09 - 03:28 AM (#2776548)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: MGM·Lion

Sorry, Dave — I made that joke in 5th post to this thread...

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30 Nov 09 - 08:27 AM (#2776674)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Rapparee

And right you are to be their friend, Skarpi!

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30 Nov 09 - 11:44 AM (#2776805)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: EBarnacle

LH, you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. Humans, as a race are biologically degenerate elves. Similarly, homo sapiens has gradually interbred with and displaced homo neanderthalis, even though everyone can identify neanderthals and other trogolydites among us.

Elves have the ability to live, and live well, where we are not aware of them. As the literature frequently states, elves keep track of humanity and often take back children who have the potential to rejoin their stock. They leave inferior elves in their place to be raised among their degenerate descendants as humans.

These changelings do not really fit in well among the general human stock and frequently are referred to as "fairies" by those exogenous to their group. In general, they rarely breed and tend to eliminate themselves from the gene pool within one generation.

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30 Nov 09 - 12:01 PM (#2776819)
Subject: RE: BS: Santa Claus is NOT an elf!
From: Little Hawk

Those are interesting points, EBarnacle. Yes, it's long been clear to me that Elves are the archetype of ourselves at our very best, an ideal to which we can aspire if we choose to, but we may never fully attain it. This is also evidenced by the fact that they are virtually ageless in their beauty, another thing most of us would very much like to achieve, if we could. They seem to represent both perfection and immortality.

Santa Claus, on the other hand, seems to be the archetype of conspicuous consumption...although, on the positive side, he also represents generosity and the gifts of love.

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