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23 Jan 10 - 11:35 PM (#2820027) Subject: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: GUEST,Mudcat Member [anonymous for now] Seriously, I've been doing sex for a quite a few decades. Its quite enjoyable, as far as I can remember. But just lately I'm beginning to find it a bit of a chore. This morning, I thought I'd initiate something to cheer the wife up as she's been ill for a couple of weeks and a bit down in the dumps. After about half an hour in I was starting to regret ever thinking that would be a good idea. My arm was cramping and my fingers were loosing flexibility and feeling. Worse of all, I kept getting wafts of noxious bad breath and other unpleasant odours from further below the sheets as she blissfully enjoyed my hard efforts oblivious to my increasing discomfort. I was starting to feel unwell myself. To cut a long story short, I had to do all that was required to ensure mutual happy endings. Then she had cheek to make me go downstairs to make a pot of tea for both of us, and she even demanded toast and apricot jam, even though she finished the last pot off at Xmas, and then stared sulking when I joked the only apricot preserve we still had left was spicy winter pickle. When will it all be over, and I can get some well deserved rest. |
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23 Jan 10 - 11:38 PM (#2820030) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Joe Offer Anonymity [grudgingly] accepted - but I think this thread belongs in the non-music section... -Joe- |
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23 Jan 10 - 11:55 PM (#2820040) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Donuel Older sex is indeed the same and different An enlarged protate does help me last longer. Why do prostates grow but not other things? I heard a cure that involves a saw and a pimento? , btw a shower cures that odour thing. |
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24 Jan 10 - 01:00 AM (#2820054) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Backwoodsman Too much information! :-) |
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24 Jan 10 - 01:29 AM (#2820057) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity Me thinks someone was tightening their G string, to play 'Those Were the Days', and got melancholic...and ran to the 'puter, instead of arguing with their spouse! (Wink) GfS |
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24 Jan 10 - 01:31 AM (#2820058) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Bugsy "When will it all be over, and I can get some well deserved rest." Do you require the lyrics, the chords, or the tune? Cheers Bugsy |
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24 Jan 10 - 03:42 AM (#2820081) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Liz the Squeak Hey, quit bitching - at least you're getting some! LTS |
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24 Jan 10 - 04:00 AM (#2820088) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Lizzie Cornish 1 Put the spicy winter pickle on your wife and maybe she'll wake YOU up. Go to the bathroom first, brush those teeth and all other bits, preferably not with the toothbrush though, unless this brings an apricoty smile to your face, of course.. If so, remember to throw said toothbrush away after...in case 'wife' picks wrong one up... Now, WHY do I have this feeling that this thread is going to have us all spluttering uncontrollably before the day is out.. :0) |
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24 Jan 10 - 04:01 AM (#2820089) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Acorn4 As per another thread somewhere, Morris dancing is better! |
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24 Jan 10 - 04:45 AM (#2820099) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Smedley Sex is OK, but it can't really compete with a really great meal. (Please place your 'eating' puns here: ) |
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24 Jan 10 - 04:55 AM (#2820102) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: John MacKenzie Sex, is like Contract Bridge. You don't need a partner, if you've got a good hand. I think it was George Burns who said, sex after a certain age, is like playing pool with a strand of cooked spaghetti for s cue. (There ya go Smeds, an eating metaphor) |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:00 AM (#2820123) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: MGM·Lion Well, there's the joke from the late 60s — Mrs Portnoy: Now Alex, all this pussy you've been eating - are you sure it's kosher? |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:17 AM (#2820134) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: bubblyrat The people who administer the Alms Houses where I live, Henley Municipal Charities,are very strict about this (No sex please,this is Henley !) and one is not allowed to have a person of the opposite sex staying the night ! Of course, I ignore the rules as often as possible,and,indeed,it adds a certain frisson of excitement to the proceedings,knowing that one could be evicted from one's home (just let the bastards try,says I !!).I suppose in the 1600s,when the houses were built,people,assuming they made it to 60 or over (unlikely), were not expected to be capable or even desirous of carnal knowledge ! |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:19 AM (#2820138) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: artbrooks Well, not knowing what side of the pond you are on, I'm not sure if it is more apropos to say "lie back and think of England" or "ask not what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for your country". Just keep in mind that your partner's pleasure is always more important than your own. Or, alternately, what's a little hand cramp between friends? |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:42 AM (#2820159) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: kendall Jeez, I hope I don't ever reach that age! |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:43 AM (#2820160) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: VirginiaTam Give her a good whack on the rump, tell her to get cleaned up and go buy YOU some apricot jam. Or you could read this to her. http://atlas.csd.net/~cantelow/cgi-bin/poem_view.pl/critsolo/817/0/1 Might induce her to clean up her ... errrrr act. |
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24 Jan 10 - 07:16 AM (#2820182) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Midchuck I think it was George Burns who said, sex after a certain age, is like playing pool with a strand of cooked spaghetti for s cue. Or the redneck version: "I been f***in' so long with a limber dick, I could row a boat with a rope!" P. |
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24 Jan 10 - 07:25 AM (#2820190) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Georgiansilver As I have aged, I have at last realised that sex with a partner is OK but it's not like the real thing!!!! |
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24 Jan 10 - 08:11 AM (#2820231) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: VirginiaTam LOL - the real thing... That's priceless. |
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24 Jan 10 - 08:32 AM (#2820247) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Acorn4 It's not helped by the new tubes of KY jelly - the old ones you used to be able to roll up like a tube of toothpaste so you always knew how much was left, but the new ones sort of pop back and assume the shape of a full tube, so you never know how much is left - when you squeeze them they sort of make a farting sound as if empty but on the third or fourth squeeze come out in a massive splodge. Which bright spark thought that one up? |
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24 Jan 10 - 08:47 AM (#2820257) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: VirginiaTam farting tubes of lube --- now that's romantic. |
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24 Jan 10 - 09:01 AM (#2820265) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: John MacKenzie It's not the LUBE farting, that I mind |
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24 Jan 10 - 09:05 AM (#2820268) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: kendall It's a slow day around the old corral. |
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24 Jan 10 - 09:46 AM (#2820287) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: GUEST,mauvepink What the heck do you think we have chocolate for? ;-) "Then she had cheek to make me go downstairs to make a pot of tea for both of us,and she even demanded toast and apricot jam"... but it was YOU that initiated proceedings lol "Why do prostates grow but not other things?" Not true. Men's ears grow as they get older and so does their ear and nasal hair ;-) Now it can take you all night what you used to do all night With age comes experience and quality can be a lot better than quantity. The same rules apply though. It's best when both partners are actually in the mood for it. Get a teasmade and toaster for the bedside ;-) Just keep having fun! mp |
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24 Jan 10 - 12:37 PM (#2820388) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Donuel The 'Joy of Sex' came out when I was in my twenties. I suppose its time for the final boomer book on sex to be published. The Chore of Sex. |
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24 Jan 10 - 01:00 PM (#2820397) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: gnu John... "Sex, is like Contract Bridge. You don't need a partner, if you've got a good hand." I've been dealing with this for about 13 years. Before that, I was married for over 10 years. 23 years. Maybe that ganglion on my wrist... hmmm... nevermind. |
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24 Jan 10 - 01:08 PM (#2820402) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Amos It doesn't sound to me like you're doing it right, mate. A |
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24 Jan 10 - 03:24 PM (#2820500) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: John MacKenzie Maybe he should do it left then, Amos |
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24 Jan 10 - 03:27 PM (#2820505) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: artbrooks Kinky |
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24 Jan 10 - 03:36 PM (#2820511) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Mrs.Duck I alwyas knew there had to be silver lining to marrying a clawhammer banjo player ;) |
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24 Jan 10 - 03:44 PM (#2820518) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Richard Bridge Ah, pluck and roll. |
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24 Jan 10 - 03:47 PM (#2820522) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Rasener Did you push her head under the bedsheets when as you say "and other unpleasant odours from further below the sheets" Maybe you should Muff Dive instead |
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24 Jan 10 - 04:38 PM (#2820572) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: John MacKenzie Well OP, they do say. If sex is a pain in the arse, you're doing it wrong. I'll get me coat |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:28 PM (#2820690) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Bill D "KY jelly"?? Naaawww..if one really needs extra lubrication... pure coconut oil! (health food stores and such places) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Somehow, this silliness brought up a line I hadn't thought of for many years. An old guy was asked if being a bachelor was a problem, due to certain things he was missing. "No", he replied, "I was married once, and sex is easier now. If it's too tight, you can loosen it. If it's too loose, you can tighten it. And if you get tired, you can quit!" But I do agree with Kendall, "I hope I don't ever reach that age!" (which reminds me of the OTHER old line.. "Once a king, always a king, but once a knight's enough") Which reminds me of several of the joke threads...but.... |
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24 Jan 10 - 06:32 PM (#2820696) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Donuel I can't just play bridge all day, I have chores to do. |
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24 Jan 10 - 09:03 PM (#2820828) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Rapparee I'm not sure I remember how to play bridge. Doesn't it have something to do with nudity and simplifying integers? |
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24 Jan 10 - 10:22 PM (#2820861) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: mousethief I'm clearly not as old as you farts, but I'm taking notes. O..O =o= |
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24 Jan 10 - 10:35 PM (#2820867) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: MGM·Lion ==they do say. If sex is a pain in the arse, you're doing it wrong.=== Unless, presumably, you are one of those into spanking! I understand there are quite a lot of them... |
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24 Jan 10 - 10:53 PM (#2820877) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Donuel Viagra is a supply drug. It serves virtually no demand. It helps real old men to have sex that takes a very very long time. How many hot women demand to have sex with a real old man for ever and ever and ever. Yet doctors keep supplying decrepid old farts with the stuff. |
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24 Jan 10 - 11:06 PM (#2820884) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: mousethief You know as well as I do that they give Viagra to really old men to keep them from rolling out of bed. O..O =o= |
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25 Jan 10 - 10:44 AM (#2821046) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Michael Try a different card game, like Patience. (If you call it Solitaire it has a different meaning) Mike |
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25 Jan 10 - 10:56 AM (#2821058) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Amos There's plenty of demand for Viagara by those who need it, I think... A |
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25 Jan 10 - 10:57 AM (#2821060) Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ? From: Dave the Gnome Aren't sex them things that posh people have their coal delivered in? DeG |