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31 messages

BS: The wife!!!!

18 Aug 10 - 12:31 PM (#2967923)
Subject: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Georgiansilver

If you want a happy time with your other half gents... learn from this:-
You should go to a restaurant twice a week... She on Tuesdays you on Fridays.
You should sleep in separate beds... hers in USA yours in UK.
Try to always hold her hand... that way she can't shop.
When she has a mud pack tell her how good she looks.... NOT how bad she looks when the mud comes off.
Acknowledge that you married 'Miss Right' but don't tll her you didn't know her first name was 'Always'
If you don't talk to her for a long time... don't worry... it's not polite to interrupt anyway.
When she asks what's on the TV... don't answer 'Dust'
And finally... please remember that Marriage is the largest single cause of divorce!!!!


18 Aug 10 - 12:32 PM (#2967926)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Ebbie

I gather that you are divorced? :)


18 Aug 10 - 12:44 PM (#2967940)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Morticia

Gosh, hackneyed, rehashed and bitter misogynistic comments....that makes the world a better place.


18 Aug 10 - 12:45 PM (#2967942)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Noreen

..splitting my sides...


18 Aug 10 - 01:02 PM (#2967954)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Georgiansilver

Ebbie... yes I am divorced but please believe this to be a lighthearted look at life.. not a serious poke at the female gender.... Noreen seems to have picked up on that.....


18 Aug 10 - 01:08 PM (#2967955)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: olddude

A elderly couple when on vacation in the Holy Land, while they were there his wife passed away. The undertaker told the man "well you can ship her home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here for $150 dollars. The man thought about it and said well I will have her shipped back home.

The Undertaker said, "I don't understand, why would you spend that kind of money, wouldn't it be nice to be buried in the Holy land?"

The man replied. " Well a long time ago,   a man died here, he was buried here, and in three days he arose again from the dead - I just can't take that chance"


18 Aug 10 - 01:27 PM (#2967964)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Old Vermin

There was the Thomas Hardy short story - or was it poem - about the ancient couple who were about to be separated when they went to the workhouse....


18 Aug 10 - 01:30 PM (#2967968)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Little Hawk

This is a problem I don't have to deal with...


18 Aug 10 - 01:46 PM (#2967976)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: gnu

I had words with the wife but I didn't get a chance to use any of mine.


18 Aug 10 - 01:52 PM (#2967980)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: katlaughing

I tend to agree with Morticia...it's old, very old crap, but in fairness:

Another oldie. A man died and was cremated. His widow sat with some of his ashes in one hand. She said to him, "Fred, ya know that diamond ring you never bought me? Well, here it is" as she held up her other hand flashing with a big diamond ring. "And," she said, "that beautiful condo in Hawaii I wanted? Got that, too, here's the deed." She held up a piece of paper indeed showing a very costly paradise home deed. Then she looked at the pile of ashes in her hand and said, "And, Fred, remember that blow job you always wanted? Here it is!" And she blew his ashes off her hand.

So, light-hearted...how many stereotypes do you want to dredge up?


18 Aug 10 - 01:55 PM (#2967985)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: olddude

LOL, that was great Kat


18 Aug 10 - 02:43 PM (#2968034)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Bill D

another steroeoype


18 Aug 10 - 03:53 PM (#2968074)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: gnu

I recall the Capp funny with Flo asking Andy sommat while he was on the stoop with Chalkie who was fast asleep... "Shhh.. I'm watchin Chalkie's fag burn down to his fingers."


18 Aug 10 - 04:20 PM (#2968092)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Little Hawk

We need another thread. "The Dog!"


18 Aug 10 - 04:42 PM (#2968102)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Old Vermin

OK, seeing that this thread is cheerfully degenerating, a story from a man I worked with. CRAFT moment about who he was, but he did a passable generic US accent, which would elude me. Why it was set in the US, I have no idea, but so it is.

Setting it down in type seems to demand more detail than the oral framework, so the folk process has duly operated.

Anyway:

There once was a wealthy investment banker who in the good years had a weekend retreat out in the country, far enough to be tranquil, but not too far to get back to NY early Monday morning.

The banker's wife was a kindly and thoughtful soul.They had married when both had been younger and he perhaps less driven. But at least he could afford for her not to work - outside the home anyway. There were no children.

She mentioned over the weekend that the local mailman was about to retire, and wondered if after a few years of solid service to them and many more to the rest of the community, they might give him some sort of decent retirement gift. After all, the man was a widower, saw little company except for his customers and faced a major life transition.

The husband hadn't much time - or, indeed, cash - for little people. 'Ah, screw him, give him ten dollars', all the while while peering and pecking at his laptop on the Sunday evening.

On the Tuesday, mid-morning, the mailman called by on his last delivery of the day and his career. The banker's wife chatted on the porch, asked him in and gave him a large glass of fresh orange juice.

Then she looked sweetly at him, took him by both hands, kissed him delicately and very gently led him upstairs, where to his surprise and their delight the widower mailman was slowly coaxed into mutual pleasure with the lady of the house. Thankfully, he had already completed the rest of the round.

When, in the fullness of time, they descended to the kitchen, she further delighted him with a substantial and good breakfast - grilled bacon and poached eggs on buttered wholemeal toast after the authentic English fashion, and proper percolated coffee.

On the table there lay, trim and fresh, a ten-dollar bill.

Recovering his powers of speech, the now retired, tired, sweaty and spent mailman asked, 'Please, thank you, that has made me so happy. Might just I perhaps ask why, madam?'

A fair question when their relationship had hitherto been impeccably proper.

'Well, you see, it was really my husband's idea.

Except for the orange-juice and the breakfast - that was my own idea.'


18 Aug 10 - 04:58 PM (#2968114)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Bobert

Don't even get me started...


18 Aug 10 - 05:42 PM (#2968136)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: ragdall

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


18 Aug 10 - 06:34 PM (#2968195)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: gnu

Hahahahaa... rags... I like THAT ONE!

Even tho, of course, it is stereotypical and demeaning to the elderly. I should be ashamed for having a good laugh at it.

Thanks for the chuckle, rags.


18 Aug 10 - 07:36 PM (#2968232)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: TheSnail

PUT ANOTHER LOG ON THE FIRE


18 Aug 10 - 08:18 PM (#2968261)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Bill D

1st guy: "I got a new car for my wife"
2nd guy: "Nice deal!"


19 Aug 10 - 06:40 AM (#2968483)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Roger the Skiffler

My wife asked me what I wanted for our Ruby Wedding Anniversary.
I said 10 minutes silence would be nice... Would have phoned ya but my jaw is wired up.

RtS


19 Aug 10 - 07:19 AM (#2968506)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: kendall

There was a cartoon of a couple in the office of a marriage councellor. The man said, "God knows I've tried to make the marriage work with, what's her name here."

Speaks volumes, doesn't it?


19 Aug 10 - 08:57 AM (#2968568)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: bobad

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


19 Aug 10 - 09:20 AM (#2968578)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: SINSULL

"Let's pretend we're married. Now get up and get your own damned blanket."
K Morse


19 Aug 10 - 09:49 AM (#2968591)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Noreen

not a serious poke at the female gender.... Noreen seems to have picked up on that.....

Oh no, sorry Georgiansilver but you got that wrong too.

My comment could equally well have been ... *yawn*


19 Aug 10 - 11:35 AM (#2968670)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: theleveller

THE wife? Which wife would that be (yes, I have had more than one).


20 Aug 10 - 09:23 AM (#2969334)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie

THE wife? Which wife would that be (yes, I have had more than one).

Sounds like the Dick Emery character:
"I've been loking for a wife; anybody's wife!"


20 Aug 10 - 10:01 AM (#2969356)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: theleveller

Ooooh, you are awful - but I like you!


20 Aug 10 - 10:03 AM (#2969357)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: theleveller

Actually, it's more Les Dawson:

"I was talking to my first wife - I call her that, it keeps her on her toes....."


20 Aug 10 - 10:31 AM (#2969382)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: GUEST,number 6

The notorious Richard Harris .... I remember him on some talk show way back telling this story ....

"While living in England, Harris popped out for milk and when seeing the paper he noticed that Young Munster were playing in Thomond Park, Co. Limerick, Harris got the next available flight to Ireland. He spent the following 3 weeks on a drinking binge. All was unknown at the time to his wife, who had no idea where he was. When he finally returned to England, he rang the doorbell of his house. His wife answered the door and before she had a chance to say anything, he said, "Well, why didn't you pay the ransom?".

biLL


20 Aug 10 - 12:30 PM (#2969463)
Subject: RE: BS: The wife!!!!
From: Ebbie

Have I had a husband? Oh, yes, many of them. Oh- you mean, of my own?






Zsa Zsa