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26 Aug 11 - 07:58 PM (#3213238) Subject: BS: Horrific Puns From: DrugCrazed I'm bored. So, while I'm procrastinating, anyone know any horrific puns/jokes I can add to it. The sort that make you fight to quell the urge to find the creator and slap him with a fish for going there. I'm not talking about Christmas Cracker style bad. I'm talking the jokes they thought about putting in the crackers before realising that including them broke several human rights. The shameful thing is that all of the ones I've included so far I've laughed at. |
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26 Aug 11 - 08:03 PM (#3213240) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: DrugCrazed Oh, and it goes without saying that you've only yourself to blame if you click that link and lose your brain. (Notice I didn't explain it: All it is is a page that loads a random pun from the ones I've put up there. I'm meant to be writing a feature, but this is more fun) |
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26 Aug 11 - 08:11 PM (#3213244) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Nigel Parsons One of the first to come up: "A man walks into the doctors and says 'I can't say f or t'. The doctor replies 'Well, you can't say fairer than that then' How did the man make his first statement, and be understood? "I can'__ say e__ or _ee" |
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26 Aug 11 - 08:17 PM (#3213246) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Nigel Parsons I was visited by the grim reaper last night, but I scared him off, by hitting on the head with my vacuum cleaner. Now that's what I call dyson with death A. I think it should be 'hitting him on the head' B. Apparently a Dyson is not a 'vacuum' cleaner. Cheers Nigel |
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26 Aug 11 - 08:42 PM (#3213254) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,Mrr From my son, at the end of a very, very, very long bat/bar mitzvah, as they were starting the last song or whatever it was... Hey Mom! It's the grand finally! |
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26 Aug 11 - 08:55 PM (#3213261) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Don Firth The king got sick and tired of his jester's gawdawful puns, especially about the king himself. So he forbade his jester to make any more puns about him. Any subject the jester wanted, but not the king. The jester responded, "But sire, the king is not a subject." That did it! The king condemned his jester to be hanged. As the jester was standing on the gallows with the noose around his neck, a messenger came from the king, saying that he would be reprieved if, from this moment forward, he never, ever, committed another pun. No more puns and he wouldn't hang. The jester said, "Well, no noose is good noose!" and died with a silly grin on his face. Don (I'll be back!) Firth |
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26 Aug 11 - 09:53 PM (#3213279) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Nigel Parsons The King foubd himself marooned on a desert island, with no company except for the court jester. Within a week he was at his wit's end! |
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26 Aug 11 - 09:55 PM (#3213280) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Nigel Parsons "A fellow of infinite jest" "He hath borne me on his back a thousand times!" |
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26 Aug 11 - 10:28 PM (#3213288) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Bill D Some of the best...or worst... are quick retorts: once upon a time, my ex-wife & I raised a baby fox..(whole story in itself)...but one day, we found this half-grown fox scooting around on it's bottom, obviously uncomfortable. We grabbed him and investigated and found that he had eaten some chewing gum, which had passed thru without being digested, and was thoroughly matted in the hair around his anus...*sigh*...so, we trimmed, pulled, and cleaned...etc...and that evening, we told the story to my friend Dwain....he listened to the story politely as we raved about POOR fox, chewing gum, clean up...etc...then remarked knowingly, "so....chicled the shit out of him huh?" (not sure how to spell that..chicle is easy, but since the verb form doesn't really exist, .....anyway, it SOUNDS good)..(chickled??) |
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27 Aug 11 - 12:25 AM (#3213311) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Bev and Jerry Acupuncture is a jab well done. A backwards poet writes inverse. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Now aren't you sorry you asked? Bev and Jerry |
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27 Aug 11 - 12:42 AM (#3213314) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion A man wanting to borrow money went into a bank and asked one of the tellers, "Are you the loan arranger?" "No sir," he replied; "I'm Wyatt Earp." ,.,.,.,. Two Texan boys who were setting up a cattle ranch couldn't think of a name for it. "Call it 'Focus'", their mother suggested, overhearing the conversation. "Why 'Focus', Ma?" they asked. "Because," she said, "its where the sons raise meat." ~Michael~ |
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27 Aug 11 - 12:45 AM (#3213315) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: frogprince If Art Theime finds this thread, you all may be sorry : ) |
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27 Aug 11 - 01:04 AM (#3213316) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion Three recent immigrants from Eastern Europe:~ "My wife can have no children. She is unbearable." "No, no: you mean she is impregnable." "Not at all: she is inconceivable." ~M~ |
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27 Aug 11 - 01:12 AM (#3213318) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Smokey. Two old budgerigars sitting on a perch: "Can you smell fish?" |
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27 Aug 11 - 02:54 AM (#3213327) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,888 No noose is good noose. |
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27 Aug 11 - 05:05 AM (#3213344) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: DrugCrazed And you thought I'd be sorry. Thanks for spotting the mistake Nigel, I was coding in a frenzy. I'll go add some of these and correct my mistake. |
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27 Aug 11 - 05:17 AM (#3213346) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,Peter Laban The Keats and Chapman episodes by Myles na Gopaleen would be the stuff to read. |
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27 Aug 11 - 05:21 AM (#3213349) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,Peter Laban OK then, here's one of them: Keats's Irish terrier, Byrne, failed to come home one night. Chapman found the poet playing the violin, and remarked on his composure. "Keats smiled . . . 'And why should I not fiddle,' he asked, 'while Byrne roams?' " |
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27 Aug 11 - 05:23 AM (#3213351) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,Peter Laban Chapman and Keats went on tour with a pair of performing bears. Keats refused to believe they were tame and harmless, but consented to feed them. Chapman found Keats injecting a local anesthetic into the bears. They were numb but upright. "Chapman flew into a feverish temper and demanded the reason for this brutal and cynical outrage. 'There's safety in numb bears,' Keats said." |
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27 Aug 11 - 07:22 AM (#3213371) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST There was, of course, the Sun's magnificent headline after Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic: Super Cally go Balistic - Celtic are Atrocious |
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27 Aug 11 - 07:39 AM (#3213379) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: alanabit Following India's bad luck in the recent cricket maatches, here are a few shocking puns just to make sure we offend cricket fans too! Cricket jokes: Why is it safe for Indian cricketers to eat lots of curry? They don't get the runs. What do total eclipses and the Indian cricket team have in common? There's about a century between them. Why do Indians sometimes wear turbans when they work in the City? They can't find a bowler. Why do Indian cricketers set the fairest quizzes in the world? They don't hold any catches. Why don't Indian cricketers go on holiday to Brighton? They are already sick of walking back to the Pavilion. What makes Indian cricketers such good troopers? The time they spend in the field. Why don't the Indian bowlers retire and work as postmen? All those wayward deliveries. How do you know Indian cricketers are not introverts? They get out a lot. Why doesn't crime pay in India? They usually get caught. Why did the Indian batsman fail in his audition for Long John Silver? He kept losing his leg stump. What do Indian batsmen and foxes have in common? They are out for ducks. Why do Indian cricketers miss their wives so much? It was the last time they scored. How do you know the Indian cricketers have a work ethic? They spend so little time on strike. |
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27 Aug 11 - 08:50 AM (#3213398) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Naemanson "Horrific Puns?" No such thing. Puns break down into two categories: those that are funny now and those that return later to tickle your punny bone later. |
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27 Aug 11 - 09:16 AM (#3213414) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion A pun ~ my word! |
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27 Aug 11 - 09:52 AM (#3213424) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Richard Bridge Have you seen my newt? What do you call him? Tiny. Why do you call him Tiney? Because he's my newt! |
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27 Aug 11 - 09:53 AM (#3213426) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: DrugCrazed Naemanson, it's a well known fact that there are cases in the Human Rights Court because of excessive punning ;) |
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27 Aug 11 - 10:19 AM (#3213432) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Bill D A famous one: "Aristotle Onassis wanted to purchase a home in Hollywood. the realtor took him to various homes of the rich and famous. Onassis was photographed looking at the home of the movie actor, Buster Keaton. The Los Angeles Times' caption for the photo was, "Aristotle contemplating the home of Buster." |
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27 Aug 11 - 02:02 PM (#3213538) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,Suibhne Astray I remembered this morning a classic an old friend came up with for a song on his album of free-improvised guitar music. I'm not sure if the name Dave Maddison means anything to anyone here, but for coming up with the title Innuendo and Out the Other he deserves a certain immortality. |
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27 Aug 11 - 03:07 PM (#3213571) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion Punning titles of folk records are a sort of genre of their own ~~ I think I once started a separate thread on such as June Tabor's 'Airs & Graces', Barry Dransfield's 'Bowing and Scraping' & the High Level Ranters' 'Four in a Bar'. ~M~ |
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27 Aug 11 - 03:10 PM (#3213573) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion A bluestocking once asked Richard Brinsley Sheridan what he thought the true difference between men and women. "Madam," he replied, "I cannot conceive." ~M~ |
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27 Aug 11 - 03:48 PM (#3213590) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Kit Griffiths Many years ago, Gloria and I used to go to the disco most Friday nights, where we got on chatting terms with a couple called Liz and Dave. Both Gloria and Liz were slightly overweight, and used to swap various dieting tips between dances. Sadly, Dave died, so we didn't see Liz at the disco for some weeks, but when we next saw her, she had lost quite a bit of weight. I assumed that this was caused by grief, stress, etc, but Gloria told me later that shortly after Dave's death, Liz had tried a variant of the Atkins diet. This, apparently involved eating nothing but pork, until you had consumed at least a ton of the stuff. Gloria was so impressed that she tried it, and it worked. And that is -how Liz, the widow of our discotheque, made Gloria slimmer by this ton of pork. |
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27 Aug 11 - 04:02 PM (#3213600) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: fat B****rd Sir Ian Mackellen told of the time he was playing Richard lll in California. Opposite the theatre was a sporting and camping goods store. They ran the advert "Now is the discount of our winter tents" I don't care of that's true or not. I love it. |
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27 Aug 11 - 06:38 PM (#3213679) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Mrrzy In the comic strip Pearls Before Swine there are often very, very, very bad puns, which I shall not reproduce here or my computer will burp. Or something. |
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27 Aug 11 - 07:35 PM (#3213697) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Dave MacKenzie Just off Brian Bevan Island in Warrington there's a camping goods store, and when I was driving for Royal Mail, I used to see the banner, "Now is the season of our discount tents". |
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27 Aug 11 - 08:51 PM (#3213737) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Joe_F One time, out on a hike, I ran five miles with a bear behind. But still the wretched tool contrives to bore. Says he, `They've only take him To the Tender-ship, you see;' `The Tender-ship,' cried Sally Brown, `What a hard-ship that must be!' `Why then,' said she, `you've lost the feet Of legs in war's alarms, And now you cannot wear your shoes Upon your feats of arms!' |
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27 Aug 11 - 11:33 PM (#3213804) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion The poems of Thomas Hood are full of such puns:~ "Ben Battle was a soldier bold, And used to war's alarms: But cannon-ball took off his legs, So he laid down his arms! His death, which happened in his berth, ..." & so ad inf! ~M~ |
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27 Aug 11 - 11:40 PM (#3213806) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion And W S Gilbert, in both the Savoy Operas and the Bab Ballads, was a gr8 punster ~~ &, in real life too. It is said that a man outside the Savoy theatre mistook him for an attendant and said to him, "Here, you, call me a cab." "Very well. You are a four-wheeler." "What!" "Well, you told me to call you a cab and I couldn't call you hansom." BoomBoom. The old ones are still the best. I expect there must be someone somewhere out there who had never heard that b4... |
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28 Aug 11 - 12:07 AM (#3213816) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Neil D Behold the twins, Juan and Amahl. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl. |
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28 Aug 11 - 12:31 AM (#3213822) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: MGM·Lion What did the Leaning Tower of Pisa say to Big Ben? If you've got the time, I've got the inclination. |
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28 Aug 11 - 03:55 AM (#3213844) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: GUEST,Suibhne Astray Robert Wyatt wrote a song a few years back which featured icon tact... |
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28 Aug 11 - 02:01 PM (#3214069) Subject: RE: BS: Horrific Puns From: Nigel Parsons Dudley Moore (In his drunken socialite persona) was asked to judge a masquerade competition (Sci-Fi). Among all the tired old cliches from regular attendees there was one young lady (a newcomer) clad in nothing but green body paint. One of the other judges asked Dudley (still in character) what he thought of it so far ... (no Morecambe & Wise quotes please!) ... And rising, Arthur answered, from the bar. The old order changeth, yielding place to new. And one good costume can corrupt the world ..." At which point he collapsed on the floor in a drunken stupor! |